A/N: I've been excited about this particular chapter a LONG time (especially since posting Chapter 11). It was one of my favs to write, favs to edit, and it's still one of my favs to reread. Here's hoping y'all love it as much as I do!
Please make sure you mind the tags for this one!
Chapter 19 Content Warnings: sexual content - Choking, fingering, oral sex (guy receiving), and hint of a flashback
Chapter 19: playing with my demons
Caspian
Over the next two months, Caspian can't sleep unless Addie is in the bed with him. He can't study until she's there on her window seat, safe and within reach whenever he needs the reassurance of her touch. He can't quite breathe until the bookshelf clicks and he can wrap Addie in his arms again.
He came too close to losing her.
Now he sees her less, worries more; they agreed spacing out her nightly visits was wise, but these days in between…
He worries.
Part of him still wonders if he should have let her run out of his study and out of his life. Addie's already lost a dear friend, someone she considered family. The maids are only family she has, and Addie lost one of them because she was tangled up with him.
Death always follows him. It steals away anyone who comes too close. Caspian was so sure that when death came again, Addie would be the one he would lose.
It's vile, especially as he watches Addie grieve, but part of him is… relieved. That she's alive to grieve at all, that he still has her.
Caspian knows how ugly such a thought is, stamps it from his mind whenever it arises.
The kindest thing to do would be to order her away. It would break her heart, shatter his, but Addie would have her life back again. She would have what's left of her makeshift family, free to continue as if she never met him. She'd be as safe as he can make her.
Addie's eyes are growing dull, no doubt thanks to her extra workload and interrupted sleep. Of the nights she comes to him, not a single one goes by without her thrashing them both awake. Most nights, Addie whispers an apology and curls into his side, her breath an unsteady, measured thing. Caspian hates the other nights, when she turns away and says nothing until their morning goodbye. When she refuses comfort no matter how he reaches for her.
Last month, after Addie woke them both with a strangled scream, Caspian asked if it was the fire dream again.
"No," she murmured, silent tears pooling in the hollow of his shoulder. "Anna."
Caspian held her as tight as she could stand that night, though he can't say if the pit in his stomach was sympathy for her grief, relief Addie is still here, or guilt that she lost someone she loves because of him.
Because he wasn't strong enough to let her go.
In the darkest hours of the night, when Addie falls back into fitful sleep, Caspian wonders if he could still do it. Make the right choice, break her heart to save her life.
Every time he silently rehearses the words his stomach folds in on itself, twisting in the anticipation of heartache as his heart bucks desperately in his chest. More often than not, Caspian finds himself pulling Addie into his chest and holding her so tightly his arms ache. As he feels her shuddering breaths, as her heart thunders under his fingertips, as he feels the grief rattle in her chest and scrape her hollow, Caspian knows he can't do it. Can't leave her alone in this, no matter how much he should.
There's a veil between them. A shadow alongside her grief, as if Addie knows his thoughts. For weeks, every kiss tastes sharp and musty, like leather left too long in the sun. Like unspoken questions.
Like grief. Like goodbyes.
Like guilt. It's eating her alive.
He can't leave her to be devoured.
Over the weeks, Caspian reassures her every way he knows. He tells her how much he misses her, asks about her day, holds her until she retreats to read by the window, kisses her without waiting for her to lean in first.
It takes almost two months, but Addie slowly comes back to him.
Tonight, Caspian is nose-deep in a book on the history of Telmarine nobility - useful for figuring out any additional lords to prod in the right direction and how best to do it - and Addie is finishing a history of the Hundred Years' Winter. Caspian joined her in the window seat so he could tangle their legs together.
So he wouldn't have to wait to touch her again.
It's been weeks since they've had each other. He understands; Addie is grieving, and Anna would still be alive if it weren't for him. If Addie had never come to him, never loved him like she did, she'd never have lost anyone.
Caspian misses her and the easy connection of touch, so desperately the ache in his chest wets his eyes some nights. But until Addie's ready, until she initiates and takes him to bed, he can't ask any more of her.
He has asked enough.
In the first few weeks, he tried to soothe her grief with kisses and gentle, sweeping touches. He whispered reassurances, promises, asked what he could do. Every time, Addie stared into her book until he let her be. She grieves so differently than he.
That's alright. So long as Addie is alive, she can heal. All he can do is wait for her to ask, hold her close when she seeks him out.
The rest is up to her.
Tonight Caspian has finished his reading before Addie, but only just. It gives him time to commit her shape to memory again, from the candlelight catching her frizzed curls to the ever-quicker trace of her finger down the pages, from the curve of muscled shoulders to the swell of her hips, the concentrated crease in her brow and the flush of reddened skin where she nibbles her bottom lip.
When Addie closes the book, she doesn't look up right away. She traces the book's spine reverently, her finger hovering over the golden lettering. Her eyes flicker up only to dart away when he smiles.
Caspian lays a hand on her skirt where it spreads over the cushion. "Shall we to bed?"
Lion's Mane, what a fool way to put it. His trousers are suddenly too tight even as he tries desperately to think of anything but the curve of her lips, the smooth expanse of her skin and -
Caspian tears himself back to the moment, where Addie's eyes are sliding to meet his.
It's not the time. She's grieving.
"To sleep," Caspian rushes to clarify as he clumsily gets to his feet, hand outstretched to help her up.
Addie nods, but she doesn't move to rise or take his offered hand. Caspian sinks back down to the window seat, his fingers itching to smooth away the frown puckering Addie's brow.
Still, Addie doesn't fully meet his eyes. "There's something I want to try."
Caspian's hand strays to her knee and trails down her calf before settling on her bare ankle. "What is it?"
Addie's fingers drum on the book's spine. "Remember that surprise astronomy lesson? Two, three months back, something like that?"
Caspian stills, his thumb quickening over the round of her ankle. They haven't spoken of his uncle or anything about being discovered since he nearly broke both their hearts in a single night. Nearly abandoned her when she needed him most.
"What about it?" he murmurs.
Addie places her bookmark - the first note he gave her - inside the front cover, sets aside the book, and turns so her legs frame his. "I want to try that again."
Caspian frowns; traipsing around the castle in the dead of night isn't keeping quiet, especially with the recent uptick in night patrols. They agreed it's useless trying to pretend they're nothing to each other, but they said nothing about taking such risks.
"We shouldn't be out -"
"Not that part." Addie's gaze snaps up, catches his and holds him captive in the sudden rush of heat sharpened by… is that desperation, this strange light in her eyes? "The other part."
Caspian's cock jerks to life. The hand not wrapped around Addie's ankle fists at his side.
He shouldn't assume. He should not assume. Better to ask, just to make sure. Caspian's voice comes out hoarse when he asks which part, exactly, she means.
Addie slides into his lap as he settles against the wall. While he's occupied with shifting a bit to adjust things, she guides his hand to her neck, her eyes locked on his and so aflame he can't look away.
"This," she whispers. Addie's neck is a smooth, sinuous thing as Caspian's fingers glide over her skin, her pulse thundering against his fingertips. "That alright?"
It's not their usual dynamic. He could hurt her if he's not careful. But the moment a blush rises in her cheeks, Caspian can't deny her or the persistent stirring in his trousers. If this is how Addie wants to start touching each other again, he'll try anything she wants.
Still, he asks if she's certain.
The front of her throat bobs, sliding against his palm as she swallows. Nods, haltingly.
"Help me forget," Addie whispers. "Just for a little while."
Caspian's heart squeezes. That, he can do.
"Tell me if I hurt you," Caspian murmurs. "Or if I'm about to."
Addie nods again and pushes his hand tighter. "I will. Go on."
She must feel his heart hammering, the racing pulse in his fingertips. Her own heart beats strong and unbreakable under his grip. Caspian gives an experimental squeeze, eyes trained on her face.
Addie shivers, her hips pressing down onto his lap. He squeezes again, a bit harder, and her eyes drift closed. A third, and her head tilts back, leaving her neck stretched and oh so vulnerable. If Caspian focuses, he can count her heartbeats in the vein throbbing in her forehead.
"Hold a little longer." Lion, her whisper is already gravelly and strained. But as he starts to ask after her breathing, Addie inhales shakily.
Caspian happens upon an idea.
He clutches the column of her throat, sinks his fingertips into the soft flesh under her jaw, and drives his hips upward.
Addie's choked little gurgle is inhuman, quiet though it is - a stifled approximation of her usual moans. Caspian doesn't stop to think as he spreads his knees and grinds up again. When he starts to loosen his grip, Addie's hand flies up and holds it there, her palm hot as a flame.
It's a lovely angle for watching the desire play across her face, but he can't kiss her with her head thrown so far back.
Caspian slides out from under her, even as Addie squeezes her legs to keep him there. Her whine rumbles against his palm, and he thinks he'd give anything in the world to draw the sound from her again.
Caspian works his legs free enough to stand. As he does, he pulls Addie up with him. She chokes when he gives a little jerk at the end, as she gets fully to her feet. Caspian loosens his grip at once, his lips falling to hers as he asks if she's alright with her breath panting hot in his mouth.
"Again," she whispers. "Please." Lion help him - she's leaning into his hand.
Caspian squeezes again and holds, tugging Addie onto her tiptoes so he can watch her eyes flutter closed. With her lips parted like that, he can't resist claiming her mouth with his tongue.
Addie sucks, wicked creature that she is, and as Caspian chokes back a groan he inadvertently squeezes her harder.
Addie's hands fly to his middle, pulling at his shirt and shoving at his pants as she leans in until her pulse feels like it's his own. Her face is turning red, but her scattered pleas urge him to keep going, don't let go, don't stop.
She seems alright, if frantic, as she shoves his shirt up his torso, her hands like fire across his flushed skin. But moments later, Addie pulls back and sucks in air so quickly her head must be swimming. She sways on her feet, and only Caspian's arm around her back keeps her upright.
"Are you alright?" Caspian tries for tenderness, but it comes out closer to desperation in tandem with the insistent throbbing in his pants.
Addie only whispers one word. A single word, the mere shape of it enough to send Caspian stumbling for the bedroom. His hand softens on her neck as he waits for her breathing to steady.
"Please," she whispers as he backs her to the bed. Her knees bend on contact as something like surrender, like begging, sparks between them.
Caspian's arm tenses; Addie still seems to be recovering, and it wouldn't do to accidentally push her too far. All the same, he envisions throwing her back onto the bed, watching her land on his sheets, splayed out and red-cheeked and begging him to feast on her.
But Addie is making it so very difficult to find his words or summon any sort of coherency. Every time Caspian tries to speak, her kisses or her hands or the insistent hummingbird stutter of her pulse drowns him all over again. It's not fair of her to grasp his hips and claw at his chest and press where he needs her most.
Caspian's never been able to deny her, not really.
He's never wanted to.
Caspian shrugs out of his shirt and Addie yanks him flush to her, her hands flowing across his skin as she keeps her lips just out of reach. It's the most frustrating, delicious sort of teasing, holding him close and yet far enough to frustrate. Caspian tries again, and she holds him just close enough he can brush her lips without tasting her. Addie's smile stretches her mouth, her satisfaction edged with tenderness. She hasn't smiled enough of late.
Perhaps it's time he stopped thinking.
Caspian takes hold of her waist and lifts. Addie sails through the air for a long moment before landing on the bed with her legs spread, her arms thrown wide, and her curls splayed over his pillows. And she, looking up at him in disbelief with another of those scorching smiles breaking across her lips.
Caspian hardly recognises his own voice as he crawls over, grumbling what a wicked thing she is.
"Do it again." The challenge shines clear and bright and depraved in her dark eyes. She's daring him.
Then, softer, with something fragile creeping back into her voice, "please."
Caspian falls on her at once and encircles her neck again, counting every heartbeat throbbing under soft skin. This is the first time in two months Addie has sounded a little like her old self. He can't falter now, can't let her slide back into the cold, unforgiving arms of mourning.
This time when he dives to claim her mouth, Addie surges to meet him, writhing until he squeezes the sides of her throat. Her mouth falls open as her hands fist in his hair. His scalp tingles, but now he's the one moaning into her kisses, begging her not to stop. The roll of his hips coils the need tighter in his belly, impossible to ignore with Addie licking into his mouth and her neck such a fragile, slender thing in his grip.
He could hurt her, and she's trusting him not to. She's enjoying it - his rising frenzy, his hand tight around her throat as he bucks against her and tries to paw away the skirt trapped between their bodies.
Addie sinks further into the mattress, widening the space enough Caspian can shove her dress up to her waist and find her core.
Caspian swears. She's soaked, dripping onto the sheets, and he could lose his mind from how smoothly his fingers slide into her wet heat. Addie tightens around him instantly, grinding down into his hand in staccato half-thrusts. He strokes up until he finds the spongy patch of skin that makes her hips jerk and her legs shake.
Addie's shout scrapes past her teeth, echoing against his hand as Caspian clutches her as tight as he dares. The moment he tries to loosen his fingers, Addie seizes his wrist and holds him fast, her hips circling desperately in a broken rhythm.
She's close; he's learned that telltale tension in her thrusts as she bucks more shallowly and arches into the heel of his palm. Addie's hand flashes down between her legs, rubbing circles where his thumb keeps slipping.
Caspian speaks before he weighs the words, his mind already half gone with the need to bury himself in her. It would be cruel to stop now; he can't deny her the finish she so deserves.
"Look at me."
Addie thrashes, writhing at the edge as he slightly tightens his grip, but she doesn't meet his eyes. Caspian pulls away, just enough Addie can't reach the spot she needs.
"Look at me, Adelina."
Her eyes fly open and she cranes to meet his gaze at last, the motion drawing his grip the tightest yet. Addie holds him there, looking half mad with that desperate gleam in her eyes.
Caspian shoves his fingers in to the knuckle and curls them experimentally as his thumb rubs messy circles.
Addie shatters.
Her hand falls away as she pulses, all hoarse little shudders and barely muffled cries as Caspian supports her neck. Addie rides his hand until the contractions fade into aftershocks and she sags into the damp sheets, her skin glistening in the candlelight.
Caspian drinks in the sight of her spread over his bed as he slides his hand free. He'll never tire of seeing Addie's face twist just so, hearing her breathing shift from frantic and shallow to the languid sighs of the aftermath. When Addie's eyes flutter open and find his, he sucks his fingers clean.
"What was that about me being the death of you?"
Caspian grins through the pang of Addie's à propos joke and drops a kiss to her hipbone. He can't stop himself from trailing soft kisses up her body, even over her rumped bodice, until he finds her mouth. Those heated, desperate kisses tight with hunger are exhilarating, but these hazy post-coital kisses are his favourites. There's never any rush, just the soft press of Addie's lips and the immaterial stretch of as much time as they want.
"Are you well?" Caspian murmurs in between little pecks. He pulls back just enough to investigate her throat, fingertips ghosting over reddened skin.
Addie plants a kiss on his forehead. "Very well, though I couldn't tell you why."
It doesn't make overmuch sense to him either, but if it brings her pleasure that intense, he can't deny her.
Even so, worry niggles at the back of Caspian's mind. She wasn't the only one who enjoyed it; his cock is still straining painfully in his breeches.
"Did I hurt you?"
"No," Addie whispers, her hands quivering with aftershocks as she combs his hair back from his face. "It just felt like pressure. Really good pressure. It was like… I don't know, like it heightened everything else." Addie tilts her head just so, absently kissing his brow again. "Certainly the hardest I've ever finished. And it helped with the noise, didn't it?"
Caspian makes a valiant attempt to ignore his body's demands, but if she continues talking like that, he'll fall on her begging to let him bring her to a second.
"What about you?"
If there's an articulate answer to that, Caspian doesn't know it. Not after watching her fall apart on his hand after weeks without the touch of her skin. He mumbles something nonsensical into her shoulder as his hips jerk forward, her lips gentle against his feverish skin and half of her body bare on his bed.
Addie shifts beneath him. Caspian's first thought is to complain, or to beg her not to move because he can barely contain himself as it is, but then her hands are pushing his shoulder and he's falling onto his back with his current situation bulging in his pants.
Now Addie is the one crawling over him, her curls spilling over her shoulders and tickling his cheeks as her body covers his. She kisses him leisurely, nibbling at his lips and tangling their tongues as if they have all the time in the world.
One day, some day, they'll have all night and all day. He'll make sure of it.
Silent promises aside, Caspian is not feeling patient or disposed to gentle kisses. He can't stop himself from surging up and devouring her, from letting his hands fondle her curves even through this infernal dress. He was so focused on giving her what she wanted he didn't take time to do anything other than hike up her skirts. Now he's cursing the oversight because Addie is apparently not inclined to get out of her clothes.
Addie's lips part around words he can't make out through the buzzing in his ears. She repeats the question, her breath maddening as it tickles over his lips.
"Can I try something?"
Caspian chokes out the promise he first made so many months ago, before he had an inkling how far it would go. Had he known then what they would become, he'd have said it the first night he met her.
"Anything," he says.
The word doesn't come out as lovingly as he'd like through the gravel in his throat, but Addie doesn't seem to mind. She grins as she kisses his mouth, his hands finding her hair before her lips trail down to his jaw. Addie likes to linger there, to mouth at the skin over his pulse just to remind him of that first time she covered him in love marks.
This time Addie leaves her kisses in a neat line, travelling deliberately down his neck and chest. She sometimes leaves marks there too, when he asks her to. The castle feels less lonely knowing a mark of Addie's making lies beneath his shirt.
Just as the request takes shape on Caspian's tongue, Addie sweeps lower still, her mouth tickling over his stomach. It's a cruel thing to have her curves out of reach. He loves her hair in his hands, but right now, he needs her softness.
Addie mouths at his waistband as her breasts brush his thighs. Caspian's hips surge to meet her, legs shaking as he tries to remember the importance of keeping things quiet. Her fingers curl under the fabric, mouth still pressing those patient, blistering kisses to the thin line of hair down his lower stomach.
She tugs, and his breeches descend. Addie kisses every new inch of skin like she knows exactly what sort of madness she's driving him to. She's challenging him, her lips tight in a smile as she works his waistband lower, lower, but never quite low enough.
Minx. Glorious, impossible woman. No matter how Caspian tries, he can't get any sensible words past the blinding need clawing over his heated skin.
Addie's making a good case against his tentative, patient manner of getting things started. She knows she is; the self-satisfaction rolls off her in waves.
Caspian chokes out her name. Addie gives one last tug, and he springs free.
There's always a slight chill when he undresses. A gentle brush of cool air before he sinks into her, or before he presses himself against her stomach or her thigh. This time, the air is the hot puff of Addie's breath and the lightest whisper of a kiss across his tip.
Caspian makes a noise like a dying man. If Addie keeps teasing him like that, he's half sure that's exactly what he will be.
His hips stutter when Addie's lips brush him again - gently, like she's asking permission. But Caspian has no words to tell her yes or please or whatever entreaties a man in full possession of his wits might say. He only has unsteady hands trying to guide her closer without rushing her and graceless thrusts that still don't bring him close enough.
Addie's tongue darts out, traces a line up his vein. Caspian wants to watch her, wants to memorise every whisper and touch and kiss of her lips. He tries, but when her open-mouthed kisses slide down and the wet heat of her mouth envelops him, nothing in all the worlds could have kept him from oblivion. Caspian tries for a semblance of control, to keep himself still so he doesn't choke her in a different way this time. But a moment later a single, involuntary twitch of his hips sends him to the back of her throat.
Addie pulls away at once, her throat contracting in a gag. Caspian finds his words then, apologising and trying to sit up. He hisses as her teeth graze him thanks to the movement - not hard enough to hurt, but enough to get his attention.
Her mouth retreats, her hands suddenly tremulous on his thighs and her eyes darting around the bed.
Caspian reaches up to cup her cheek, her breath puffing erratically on his wrist. "Addie?"
"I'm sorry," she blurts. "I just… I-"
"Do you want to stop?" Caspian smooths her hair away from her forehead, his thumb tracing the curve of her cheekbone. She looks like how he feels after a nightmare - frantic from ghosts, fighting for composure, desperate for peace. "We can stop if you want to."
Addie bites her lip and looks away. "But you -"
"I don't mind," Caspian insists. Half an hour's discomfort is nothing; it's more bearable than seeing Addie trembling like a faun in a hunter's sights. "I'd rather know you're alright."
Long moments pass as Addie looks everywhere but him. Is she thinking of that night in the hall? What ghosts have jolted her away from this? Caspian strokes her cheek with tremulous fingers as the haunted look slowly fades from her face.
When she finally meets his gaze, Caspian's breath catches as sudden fierceness overtakes the skittishness in her eyes.
"I don't want to stop," Addie says. Her hands return to his thighs, fingers carving scorching trails up to his hips. "I want… I want…"
"Anything," Caspian murmurs. "Anything, whatever you want."
Addie leans down and wraps steadier fingers around the base of him. Her tongue ghosts across his tip as her whisper tickles his skin, something sharper than determination in the set of her jaw, in her ragged breathing.
"I want to know what you taste like."
Lion's Mane. Caspian chokes on a curse as Addie opens her mouth and sucks him like she sucks his tongue in their more heated kisses. He digs his heels into the bed to keep himself still so Addie can set a rhythm she likes.
So he won't go too far again.
Addie chooses an unforgiving, all-consuming pace, swirls her tongue in messy patterns he never knew existed. Nothing about her mouth is precise, but Caspian doesn't care. The mess helps her hand glide easier, faster, guides him back between her lips when she withdraws too far and cool air gusts over his wet skin.
It comes on far quicker than he expected. It crests as fast as a summer storm - no building roll like a wave or the crawling heat of midmorning. This overtakes him as fast as a lightning strike, with so little warning he barely splutters an alert in case she's changed her mind.
Addie hollows her cheeks and sucks harder and there's nothing he can do but spill into her mouth with helpless prayers spilling over his tongue.
By the time Caspian's blinked his way back to the land of the living, Addie's sitting perched between his legs, dabbing at the corners of her lips and looking… peaceful. Pleased with herself, but peaceful.
"Princes taste good."
Caspian groans through a smile. But the temporary flush of embarrassment is worth it when Addie strips off that damned dress and he can fall asleep with her skin against his. After so many weeks with fabric between them, it's a relief to feel her as she is.
A/N: Whew, there's one way to let off some steam! Do we think everything is all better between the lovebirds now?
Chapter 20 Preview:
Caspian stills before his hand warms her skin, fingers interweaving with hers. "Yes. I suppose you know the rumours that no one who strays deep into the forest comes out alive?"
"Superstitious nonsense," Addie says, leaning back until the steady thump of his heart thrums at her shoulder blade. "More likely it's wolves and hungry bears, not ghosts."