With history out of the way and deal in place, Ashton further discusses progression moments with Alluka.
Ashton leans back into her chair, arms now resting along her legs as wrists dangled over her legs. She had some questions, a conversation she wanted to have with the three young teens… to get to know them better.
However, there was something more important to talk about. It was something that will help with their discussion of nuance … to give Alluka some ideas to help her discover more about herself, without the need to hear hundreds of voices, all screaming different ideas on what's the right way to discover oneself.
With a single finger raised, she pointed at Alluka, "Here's an idea… let's play a little self-discovery game."
Alluka perked her ad up, curiosity radiating behind her eyes.
"It'll help you discover more about yourself, but more importantly… it'll give you, ideas or thoughts to explore about your identity."
"Okay, so how do we play?"
Ashton smiled, "I beg a question where you answer honestly, more so with a thoughtful answer?"
Killua crossed his arms, "So, philosophically?"
"You can, certainly… but this is more for herself to think aloud, rather than in silence. Can you do that dear?"
Alluka nodded "I'll try my best."
"Okay…" The woman raised a single hand, "We'll start small… How about… you name a crush you had? Actually-"
Alluka stuck up her hand, "What exactly is a crush…?"
The woman stared at the girl, wondering if she was serious… the look of confusion said it all. The young girl genuinely didn't have an idea of what a crush was. Maybe… she did know what a crush was, it's just she hasn't been able to give the meaning a name, "Killua… did you never have this kind of talk with your sister?"
"We did… more of the physicality aspect… dealing with ones… physical needs."
"You poor… poor girl."
Daniel interjected himself into the conversation, more in defence of his partner than trying to obfuscate his response to the woman. They didn't just talk about dealing with her needs, they talked a bit about having a relationship. While Killua did joke he'd murder anyone who tried to get close to her… his joke did have a legitimate reason behind it.
He didn't want anyone to hurt his sister… not after everything she went through thanks to their family's interference "We DID… talk about relationships, about naming your boundaries when you get into a relationship, no matter the gender of the partner or how many are involved."
"Oh… that's better. You even involved polyamory, interesting…"
"Yeah…" Killua gave a nod, "One of our friends is polyamorous… they're in a Tri relationship."
"They as in Nonbinary… or they as in you are not stating their gender?"
"The second… at least at first." Killua offered a small nod, "but one of the people he's dating is on the Genderfluid spectrum."
"How so?" Ashton got more curious about their friend. A boy not only in a Tri relationship, one of the partners was fluid, whether that was with their presentation or their identity.
"Identifies as male, but dresses in female attire from time to time. Like a miniskirt, one day pants, the next… for example. However, from my understanding… he was raised that way by his mother, to not care about presentation, but what feels comfortable to him."
"Interesting… so this friend, what would you say his identity is?"
"Pansexual… he wouldn't care about body parts; he loves the person for who they are…"
Alluka reacted more in confusion. So many new terms were being thrown at her. If she wasn't confused about her identity before, she was now.
Ashton pouted, "It seems we're confusing your sister more, than helping her gauge with the conversation. Which ones would you like me to explain?"
Alluka offered a weak smile, "I know about polyamory. It's Nonbinary and Genderfluid that's confusing me."
"To put it in an easy to explain premises, although, this isn't giving the term justice as the umbrella holds a vast difference between one person to the next… a spectrum if you will. Nonbinary is when you present yourself in a manner that doesn't fit male or female stereotypes. They tend to dress in a manner that often, makes it impossible to define them as either. They tend to use the term they or them as their pronouns. Again, it's a basic gist… not a distinct rule."
Ashton adjusted her posture, "As for Genderfluid, they present as masculine or feminine, often interchanging between their identity. One day they may present as feminine… the next they could dress more masculine. However, it's not a rule… they could dress masculine, but still want to be referred to as a she, or vice versa."
Alluka continued to look at the woman in confusion, the information overloading her memory, "Ah… I don't think I fit any of those identities."
The woman chuckled at the girl's confused expression, "It's okay to feel that way. It's a matter of learning more about yourself, to label yourself comes afterwards… or if you don't want to… you don't have to. It's just terms you can use to explain more about yourself… without dropping a huge description about your identity."
"Oh… Okay…"
"Now, about earlier… seeing as we got way off-topic. A crush, in simplest terms… at least for this conversation is who you're attracted to. Now, you can't base the whole relationship on a crush, as your crush might not be the best person for you… you may be so vastly different, that what each of you wants, is in the opposite direction of each other." The woman pressed a finger against her knee, casually rolling her finger over the joint, "Think of a person you considered pretty… handsome, someone who genuinely had features that made you think that way about them."
"Someone I thought was cute… pretty or handsome…"
Ashton switched her focus point, now looking between Killua and Daniel "This can be directed at all of you. How about you boys give the girl an idea. Using those above categories… name a crush you once had."
Daniel went first, "Killua…"
"Baka…" Killua flushed red as he ran his fingers through his hair.
"But I'm not lying here… my first crush was you. Actually, I think it's my only crush…" Technically… I did fantasise about Hisoka, but he was pretty good looking without his piercing eyes on you in a disgusting way… also he had his hair down and no makeup. But that neither fits the discussion nor something I want to admit…
"Killua…?" The woman asked the boy, considering Killua was Daniel's first crush, it contradicts her earlier statement about the first crush not necessarily working out as an ideal relationship.
"It's Gon… Gon was my first crush."
"Not a name I recognise… an old friend, perhaps?"
"Best friend… actually. He had a crush on myself… and Daniel as well."
"The polyamorous friend?"
"Yup… casually blurted out he wanted to date the two of us, along with his current partner at the time. The other joined at a much later date…"
"Ah… okay, fair enough. It's safe to assume neither of you wanted that?"
"We're both monogamous…" Daniel clarified, "Although… Killua stated he was a selfish partner. He'd have wanted the partner all for himself, rather than having to share with someone else."
"It's not really, selfish though…" Ashton remarked, "Mainly, for oneself. If Gon wants to date others, even though Killua wanted them to be exclusive, for example… Gon would be more selfish in that scenario. However, if Killua was open to the idea, but restricted who Gon may date… he'd be the more selfish one in the scenario. It's about finding balance, which is the very hard part of being in a polyamorous relationship. There can be hints of jealousy, as long as everyone is aware and it's not getting in the way of who likes who, for whatever reason they justify it with. For a quick explanation…"
The woman brought up her hand, "Person A, B and C may love each other… But Person A might love C for example, because they're kind, while Person B loves Person C because his hobby is something they find endearing."
Killua gave a nod, "That's understandable, but it's not something for me…"
"Or me…" Daniel remarked, "But I have thought about it longer… if it's something that will make Killua happy, I'd happily continue to be by his side."
"Baka…" The boy in question blushed, "I wouldn't want that anyways…"
Ashton looked at the two endearingly, finding the discussion to be pretty informative. The two have an extremely open relationship, having discussed many things in the open already. While Killua seems to be somewhat shy about receiving compliments, it seems like he's the more information savvy of the two.
Daniel however seems to be able to control the conversation, finding the balance between all parties of the discussion involved. Now, it was just to find not only more about Alluka, to help her grow and understand more of herself without giving direct answers. The woman turned to the silent girl, "Sorry, did we make it harder for you to think about it…?"
"No…" The girl shook her head, "I don't know if it's considered a crush, but maybe Kiel. Although… I'd consider him more of a friend than a crush. I haven't made many friends, until, recently… it's not really, something that has crossed my mind."
"You may… share traits with those who are either Asexual or Demisexual. Asexual, you don't have a sexual attraction, but you could have romantic attraction. However, Demisexual is similar, but can also be vastly different. Once they develop a romantic attraction to the person, the physical aspect comes afterwards… you fall in love with the person before you want the physical relationship…"
Alluka gave a nod, "So, terms to help explain away who or how I'm attracted to people."
"Sort of… more so to explain how you fell in love with a person."
Killua pointed at Daniel, "He's definitely, Demisexual…"
Daniel raised an eyebrow at his partner, "How so…?"
"You fell in love with me as a person, waaaaay before you wanted me physically."
"Not necessarily…" Daniel frowned, "I thought about it before we started dating… I just didn't have that…" the boy rolled his wrist as he tried to think of the best way to say it. In all fairness, there were moments he wanted to touch Killua, but not in the same way his boyfriend was thinking. However, the more dominant of his thoughts at that time… was how badly he wanted to kiss Killua "It wasn't necessarily the desire to go through with it… so to speak. Remember, I also said-" The boy stopped himself from finishing that sentence. He didn't want to say he proposed to Killua about wanting to have sex with him, while Alluka was asleep… and eight feet away from them.
Silencing the thought entirely, he spoke more reserved about the situation, "Remember during… Yorknew, when Leorio made you hold that expensive ring like you were a showcase boy?"
"Yeah…"
"There were so many times I wanted to kiss you… hug you… hell, I wanted to touch you so many-" He stopped once more, "Making it worse… the kind of touch I wanted, wasn't sexual, in nature… It was mainly your hair and face. Being able to hold it in my hands… it was a comforting thought."
Killua's face remained neutral as he took in those words. While it wasn't overtly sexual as he was accidentally making it out to be, it was sincere. Daniel wanted to hold him for so long, before their first kiss… he was craving physical affection.
He still somewhat felt like the Demisexual label fit his boyfriend. Actually… the longer Killua thought about it, the more the label fitted his partner. Daniel fell in love with him, long before they did the deed "No, my point still stands. You liked me for a very long time… you fell in love with my personality… the me before I… well, you know." The boy gestured to his forehead.
Daniel immediately understood what the boy was talking about. The moment he removed the needle.
"I'm to assume it's not information I'll be privy to…" Ashton asked, lips pursed into a thin line. The three were allowed to have their secrets, but it's such a monumentally moment for them, she wouldn't mind hearing the rest.
Sighing that neither one was willing to say anything, she moved on, once more returning to the main bulk of the conversation, "Wilson Wade, that man's personality could sweep me off my feet…" The woman swooned, eyes glowing with not so much the desire to be with that man… but rather the thought of being romantically involved with him.
But as quickly as that thought came, her expression shifted, "I know that wouldn't work out though…" The was a sense of melancholy within her words, "The balance would be tipped out of our favour… would you happen to know why Alluka?"
The young girl shook her head in response, unsure of the reason.
"I suppose there could be several reasons you wouldn't know… you did say you grew up secluded, as in never taught anything relationship related. The simple answer is… because who I named is a fictional character from a movie. I've never personally met the actor… I don't know what kind of person they are in real life. I do, however, know they're kind in person… but that's all… I've never held a conversation with them."
Ashton pointed a finger out, "It would never work out… which is my next point of discussion, relationships… given that the boys brought up polyamory, I'll use the same basis for the conversation. Whether you have a single partner, multiple, monogamous, an open relationship… even a series of flings… the main thing about it working is compatibility. Be open with each other… find what they are looking for within the relationship. It's not just a matter of consent, although it's very important…"
Ashton's eyes flicked over to the others, "The main goal is to find… pretty much harmony. That being said… what kind of relationship would you like to have, if someone were to ask you right now?"
Alluka pointed to her brother, "I would love to have a relationship, like-"
"Wouldn't work…" Ashton dismissed the answer before she replied.
Killua came to the defence of his sister, "She should-"
"She shouldn't!" Ashton rejected the defence before it could be made, "It's not a matter of me denying what she wants, it's that her goal is unachievable. Killua, is Killua… Daniel, is Daniel… the reason your relationship works, is because of who you are. You two… complement each other, if you will. The two of you have found a balance. She can want similarities, but not the exact kind of relationship. Like I said… nuance is key. A kind and open-hearted relationship maybe what she wants… but the person she ultimately clicks with could be reserved. Maybe they'll open up with only her over time, things can change… the key is to go with the flow in that case."
The woman found herself smiling at her idea, "Find yourself and the right person could slot into your life like a missing jigsaw puzzle. Figure out your flaws… your tastes and find that person who, while doesn't necessarily have to be the polar, opposite of you… but they can help you with your flaws, push you for further self-discoveries… be there… for the person, you are… not the person they want you to be. You understand?"
"I think so…" Alluka gave a nod, "Find the one who is… umm… I guess perfect for me."
"Hmm…?" Ashton tried to keep her expression neutral, but a small smile was itching to break the surface "What do you mean?"
"They don't have to be great at everything, but in my eyes… even my brother's, they could be perfect for me."
"That's good…" Ashton turned to Killua, "See… she understands. Do you?"
"Of course…" Killua crossed his arms, pouting from having been picked on. But in her defence, he was the one to try to defend Alluka's original request "Find the one who can love you for everything, not just the things they like."
"Do you have that…?" Ashton asked the boy, noticing the way Daniel looked at his partner before he could reply.
"I do…"
If someone else were to steal a glance, they would've only seen the boy's love-struck eyes, after hearing their partner admit that he has someone who loves him for who he is, rather than only the positive things he sees in Killua.
However, after listening to them for so long… noticing the stolen glances from time to time, that assumption would've been far from the truth… Daniel had been noticing everything Killua says and does, the positives… and the things she believes are negative traits. It seems like Killua has been picking up on those quick, glances from his partner.
"Daniel may have gripes about some things about me, mainly due to my upbringing, but he's never once forced me to completely change everything about myself. He wants me to be authentic; to be myself…" I love him for it… Killua found himself blushing from the thought.
"But you have changed…" Daniel interjected, "I feel like I had a little part to play in that, although… I feel like our friends had a major part in that change. Your family wanted you to be one way… but seeing so many personalities intermingling with one another… you started to find yourself… what you wanted. Although, you could've given your cheeky attitude the boot."
"You say that as if you haven't roasted me once…"
"Name a single time…"
"You said I was like an octopus…"
"To be fair…"
"No!" Killua argued defiantly, "you can never prove that it happened."
Daniel turned to Ashton, "He rolled into my futon, and intermingled his arms and legs with mine, hence… the octopus."
As Ashton burst into tears of laughter, Killua turned away, blushing so red, one may have assumed he had gotten a heatstroke. The boy had nothing to say, to defend himself from the crime. Even if Daniel cherished that memory, it's not something he wished to be remembered.
"I was woken up by him slapping me across the face in his deep slumber, had I moved a second later… he would've tangled his limbs with mine."
The woman continued to roar with laughter, between Daniel's explanation and Killua's beetroot red face, it was just too much for her.
"It's not funny…" Killua argued when Ashton failed to stop laughing after fifteen seconds.
The woman waved her hand, wheezing as she tried to stop laughing. It took a lot of self-control before she was able to completely stop herself from laughing. The moment she was able to stop, she apologized "Forgive me… it wasn't an explanation I was expecting to hear."
"Yes, ha… ha…" Killua mocked, tone oozing sarcasm and annoyance, "Can we please return to the major aspect of the conversation? The fact before the octopus' joke…"
"The fact you changed, without Daniel pushing you to do it…? Sure, contradiction aside, at least with what I'm about to say… it's okay to push someone to change. The thing I'm mainly arguing against is being moulded to fit something perfectly… that's the thing we shouldn't be doing…"
Killua looked away, feeling guilty. There was something he was pushing Daniel into… to fit a specific twist he marked in his boyfriend's mould, "I may have done that… at some point, still technically doing it now."
"You shouldn't be forcing Daniel to completely change something within his identity, but if it's something he wants to work out with you, work out those boundaries."
Daniel gave a nod, "I think… I know what he's talking about. Is it… involving… intimacy?"
Killua sighed, "Yes…"
"We're working through it, so don't worry about you feeling like you are pressure squeezing me into a certain way. I'm not only aware of it, but I'm also open to the idea."
Ashton stepped into the conversation, "As long as it isn't breaking your consent, it sounds manageable without key information. Although, Killua…" The woman turned to the boy in question, "If you pressure Daniel to do something he's not okay with, it's not right. Learn to pick up on those bad habits and try to stop yourself from doing so again… continuing to press your partner into doing something out of his comfort zone, can be borderline abuse… whether it's physical or verbal."
Killua gave a nod, "Understood…"
"I mean it…" The woman reaffirmed her resolve, "This is something Alluka needs to hear, not just the two of you. There's a fine line, one, that needs to be communicated between all parties involved. What one partner may see as enjoyment; another could see as bordering abuse. However, if all the parties involved know it's something one or more of the partners say they're open to… or something they want to explore, then it's okay. Now, I'm not getting into the whole discussion about kinks… but that's the perfect example to use."
She looked at Killua, silently telling him that it's something he should be continuing to discuss, not some stranger they're meeting for the first time. It's a topic that Killua should be talking to Alluka about, including, his partner.
Little did she know, the boys had already broached the topic with one another, Daniel more leaving it for something to explore much later in life.
Ashton once more continued, "Abuse comes in all forms. For example, using Killua as a basis… if he continued to pressure Daniel into doing something he's not comfortable with… that would be physical abuse… If Daniel was open to the idea originally, and then changed his mind mid-way through… but Killua continuing anyway, that would be the same issue."
Daniel interjected, questioning the woman about something that happened earlier in their relationship "What if I became uncomfortable during, but didn't voice my opinions? Would that be a form of abuse?"
"Technically, yes… during times of discomfort, you should be more open with one another. No matter how embarrassing, uncomfortable or terrifying it may be to discuss…"
"What if…" Daniel hummed, wondering how to word it so he didn't put his partner in a negative light, at least in Ashton's eyes "it was uncomfortable at the start, but okay after a few minutes."
"Still voice it…" Ashton pointed a finger at each of them, "I can't believe I'm having this type of conversation." With teens, I just met, no less… "I'm not even a doctor, let alone the perfect individual to ask with these types of intimate questions. But…" The woman sighed, "It may have been a matter of positioning. Any slight discomfort, voice it. You'll be surprised how a little change can bring you closer…" Or further… but I'm not saying that part out loud, especially seeing how comfortable they are around each other so far.
Pulling her hand back, she once more rested it on her thigh, "Getting off that sort of topic right now, what the two of you agree to, go with the flow but sudden changes should be something you're communicating with one another. That being said… returning to the earlier discussion…"
The woman's expression shifted, a hint of distance in her features as she reminisced on the past "As I brought up earlier, my relationship with my old friend would be considered an abuse of power. I legitimately thought there was love between us… for a time, but there was more of an imbalance of power than love. He held all the cards that could've ruined my life… that did ruin my life, but… not only did he apologise, but he also tried to right his wrongs over the years. I forgive him, even with all the harm he inflicted on me, whether it was unconsciously or not."
Killua raised a finger, "Given the advice you have given us so far… have you ever held a relationship?"
The woman shook her head, "I've had a fling or two… but not a committed relationship."
Daniel felt perplexed at the idea of someone giving them relationship advice, even though they hadn't experienced one. Although, she may be relaying what others have talked about with her, as complied information she had gathered over time. Still… he wanted to know why "Is it not something you wanted?"
Ashton shrugged, "I just never looked for the right one. Given my experience… my standing, it's difficult to have a relationship, without all the eyes trained on me like a surveillance crew. The kind of man I'm looking for must be willing to get to know the me behind closed doors and not afraid to be in the public eye. I don't exactly want to drag him into the constant danger… through the mud… the harm others may inflict upon him because of who I am and what I do for a living. There's a reason I say this…"
The woman found herself frowning at the current discussion, "Whether it's like my story involving my old partner, Leo's mother, Margret McLeod or the situation most likely involving your parents. Abuse is something that needs to be dealt with… as soon as you can. It can be uncomfortable to talk about… especially if the person you're approaching doesn't see it that way. However, your feelings are valid. Learning to stand your ground can not only be the most difficult… but also the most freeing moment of your life…"
She found herself smiling at the idea, given that not only people can change for the better, but a little bit of communication can also go a long way. Her having this discussion will not only get the boys to think about things they'd otherwise ignore… but it could set a standard for Alluka to follow later down the track "It'll help to make each other more comfortable to explore new ideas… to discover more about yourself. Even if the idea of self-discovery turns out to be initial discomfort, things can change… Everything we think and feel… can change if given a push, you just must be ready for the result, whether it's good or bad, depending on our viewing points."
The three gave a nod of affirmation, understanding the topic that was being presented to them.
There were ideas that some didn't like, while other key information opened their mind a little. They're more willing to explore now, it's just understanding how the barriers ticked, that will be the more difficult part to dismantle.