Alluka talks to Leo for the first time.
Leo played with his fingers, reacting uncomfortably to the situation. He was trying to smile, to speak to the young girl, but it was so hard talking to a stranger. Even now, he sometimes had that reaction with Ashton.
Ashton had been accommodating with him, sparing him of the much more uncomfortable questions.
How his mother found him… he wasn't too sure. In fact, he'd rather thought of being dead, than forced to go back home. He rather than the "girl", that died the moment she left home…
Actually… the more he thought about it, why did his mother come back to find him? He was kicked out of home, by her. Was she so delusional, that she could pretend as if none of that happened? Why is she acting as though she cares, suddenly? Especially, when she's repeating the name of someone who no longer exists…
Alluka looked at the boy puzzled, expecting more of a question, than this eerie, lingering silence. Leo was starting to act weird like he was fighting against an internal struggle he was afraid to talk about. What would her brother do in this kind of situation…?
What would Daniel do in this situation?
Deflect… that's what they would do. She mused to herself, if the conversation became too uncomfortable to discuss, they would immediately change the topic. At least, that's what Killua did more than Daniel. The type of deflection Daniel would do, is more answering the question, in a roundabout way.
Now that she knows Daniel has answered certain questions differently, maybe there were some he was willing to answer with a different response? No, he was bound by Killua. If his boyfriend doesn't want him to talk about it, he is bound by an oath.
But for now, she could at least try some of those tactics to further probe Leo for information "What do you like?"
"Huh…?" The boy froze, eyes now on the younger girl, "What?"
Alluka pointed to one of the cases, "I like pretty dresses, like, the one Ashton made for Juliet. What do you like?"
"Cars, I guess…"
"What about them, do you like?"
Leo started to calm down, mind focusing on the mundane conversation "I like… the design. They look cool."
Alluka gave a nod, now turning towards her brother, "I also love my brother… he's been kind to me. He brought me here, believing Ashton can help me…"
"Help… you?"
The young girl gave a nod "Yup, she has been a little, helpful since we met. But she believes I have much to learn…"
"Ashton… does say that a lot." The older teen mused, smiling at the thought of not being the only one Ashton teases with small snippets of information. But the way she does it isn't like leading them on with endless cliff-hangers.
The woman gets them thinking, by adding a small piece to snack on. She kept giving them a new piece until they had created the picture on their own.
"She says the same to my brother and his boyfriend?"
"He's gay…?"
Alluka gave another nod, "He is… he loves Daniel, his boyfriend, also loves the both of us." The young girl offered, hoping that created a spark in Leo.
"That's good… I wish I had that… A family member that loves me unconditionally." Alluka turned to the boy, waiting for him to speak at his own pace. It was a while before he said anything else, "My mother… she kicked me out of the house when I mentioned I might be trans. I was homeless for a few months before Ashton showed up… She has been helping me… I guess transition… socially. Not physically, yet… I'm not sure. It's so hard trying to understand this process, to know… if you know it's the right thing."
Alluka hummed at the words, "Does it feel right to you?"
"It does…"
"Then shouldn't-"
"Sometimes… it doesn't…"
The girl held her tongue, waiting for the uncomfortableness to settle. A minute later, Leo found his thoughts, "It's a struggle… knowing if it's the right thing… or the right answer. Like, are you even sure yourself?" He shut his mouth, covering it. But it was too late… the question had already been asked "You don't have to answer that… Alluka."
"You're right…" Alluka frowned, "there are moments I feel that way. I'm not too sure when… But I told Killua once, that I'm a girl." She paused for a moment, smiling outwardly, "so he called me his sister… and that made me happy. Every time my family called me a son or a brother… I didn't object, but Killua always did so, for me… it felt like he was the one always trying to make me happy, and it did… But like you said… am I the sister I wanted to be… or am I something else…"
"Ashton says you should be yourself at the moment, that the answer to who you are… you will always find it in the end." The boy smiled meekly, reminiscing on the fact he, himself, had not found the answer to the question.
"Who I am…?" The girl's voice quietened at the question, trying to think of an answer to her own identity. Ideally, she shared it with Nanika… but the question now is, does she believe she's a girl, because Nanika made her this way… or is Alluka a boy, and Nanika's perception of herself, made Alluka believe she is a girl.
It's a conversation she'll need to have, maybe later in life once she has found the answer to her own identity, "I don't know the answer…"
"Neither do I…" The boy shrugged, his attention turning towards the dress, "I just don't what to be that kind of person… it makes me… uncomfortable."
"Oh, the woman outside was your mother… wasn't she."
"She…" The boy sighed, "She is… but I don't see her that way. She wanted nothing to do with me. I thought it was done and dusted… her coming after me again… I don't understand it. All I know is, whatever it is… I want no part in it."
"Daniel and Killua fought against her ideas…"
"That's good…" The older teen sighed, "But it won't change her idea, nor will change the opinions of the others. As long as she surrounds herself with idiots who agree with her… she'll never change her mind."
Alluka crossed her arms, "I think some of them will change their mind."
The boy shook his head at the idea, "They won't… not until it's too late for most of them. That's what I believe…"
"Well, I believe they can change their mind."
Turning to face the young girl, the boy spoke coldly, "Do your parents accept the fact you perceive yourself to be a girl? You stated they call you a son or brother. So, the answer would be no… am I correct?"
"They do… but they also don't acknowledge Daniel, even though Killua has strictly stated, he is, in fact, his boyfriend. I actually… pushed the answer out of him. But that still doesn't change that Killua knows he's into guys. Daniel, on the other hand, jokes he's Killua-sexual."
"Is your brother gay or Bisexual? Does he know that answer?"
Alluka hummed, "I believe he has thought about it… but if he's attracted to girls, he certainly hasn't found one he's attracted to."
"Then he too… hasn't found an answer." Leo looked away, biting his lip in frustration.
"Even if he hasn't found an answer to that question… he has found the one he wants to be with. Isn't that enough?"
The older teen chuckled to himself, "I guess your right… identity doesn't define us… it's what we want in the end, that matters. What I want, is not to be forced to be a girl… What do you want Alluka?" The boy found himself looking at the girl once more.
"I want to find myself… the answer to who I am."
"Have you thought of changing your name? Alluka is a strange name… but… my old name, I refuse to accept it, maybe a name change is a way of distancing yourself from who you are, to who you want to be…"
"No…" Alluka shook her head, "It's a strange name, so is Killua… but I only see it as a name, not something that defines who I am."
Leo gave a nod, "That's understandable… but my old name… it hurts just remembering it because it's someone my mother expected me to be."
"What about your father?"
"I don't know… he walked away from my mother before I was born… so I never got to meet him. I don't even know if he's a good person or not. He might be better than my mother, but that's only an assumption from me. But then again… I assume many people are better than my mother. Actually, Ashton is trying to find me, foster parents…"
"Is that what you want?"
"I don't know… I honestly, don't know…"
"Have you told her that?"
The teen shook his head, "No, because… what if the people she finds, not only loves me… I can accept them as not only my new family but am also able to call them my parents… I don't want to deny that possibility."
"I…" Alluka smiled slightly, "I understand…" She looked away, back towards her brother, "I feel that way about my brother. Even though he's one year older than me, I see him as more of a father figure sometimes, than I do as a brother."
"Like… you called him dad?"
"No…" Alluka waved her hands, dismissing the thought, "Not like that. I mean… I feel like he's been more of a parent to me than our parents have. The same could be said about Killua… except, he feels like Daniel's parents, well… one of them, has left an impression on him, more than our own, parents have."
"One of them…?"
"One of them… has not only ghosted his son but denied my brother's request for help. He wants him to act like a parent, and protect his son from a danger that now circles him… but whether Vastorie refuses to protect his son, or acts like the way he's acting… believing that is the proper way to protect his son… we aren't too sure."
"What about the other parent, the one Killua says has acted as a parent?"
"Nathaniel… Killua adores him… I do too. He's trying his hardest to help us, with the information he can gather. But I think his husband ghosting everyone, has impacted him the most… Killua believes that."
"What about Daniel? Does he feel the same?"
"He does… he's the most frustrated in this situation, because of what his father has said to him."
"Which is…?"
Alluka opened her mouth to speak, only to close it again, "I think it's something you should be asking him… it's not in my place to say. I already probably said too much…"
"That's… That's understandable. How about a question about yourself, seeing as I pressed you for more information about others…?"
"Or…" Alluka smiled cheekily, "As my brother would say, a question about yourself, seeing as you know a lot more about us than we do of you…"
The teen chuckled, "I guess you're right. Ask away…"
"I know Ashton chastised me, for asking this question… but I can't think of a better way to ask it. How exactly did you find out you're trans…?"
"That's… such a loaded question."
"She said the same thing too…"
The boy hummed at the comment, "I suppose there are better ways of asking that question… not that I can think of one off the top of my head, right now. The simple answer, is I don't know… not in a matter of I could say I'm arguing I am FTM… or the full-term being Female-to-Male. I only know… that I'm not female… that's for certain. But am I a guy? Maybe…? So far, it doesn't feel wrong… when I accept the pronoun, 'he' and 'him'. But I feel the same if someone were to call me a 'they'. Provided, they do not call me 'she' or 'her'… I'm fine with anything else."
Alluka looked down at the floor, maybe that sentiment... is why Ashton suggested she talked to Leo. Leo knows what they're not, just not who they are… She is in a similar position, just that she hasn't reached the first step, like, Leo has.
"How did you discover that sentiment?"
"I don't know how I stumbled across that answer… maybe it was just from a repeated barrage of my mother insisting, I wore female clothing? It could be the mere fact that looking at a female style of clothing makes me feel icky inside…" Leo held out a finger, responding with a joke "Or fact some clothing is so intricately designed, you need a PhD in engineering, just to know how to put it on…"
Alluka chuckled at the last response, she has seen types of clothing for both males and females, but she could see why Leo made that remark.
"Men clothing is so… simple at times. Five holes, not including the ripped style… one for the head, two for the arms and two for the legs… women's clothing. You got your straps, spaghetti straps, one shoulder, crossover shoulders, back zips, skirts, skirts with zips which are meant to go on your back, not the front… which I totally, haven't done at some stage in my life. Some are designed for comfort, some designed for style… without a lick of sense to how anatomy works. When I see some of the clothing, all I see is a disaster of mechanics which makes no sense to me. But I'm completely getting off the point… and Ashton would roast me for picking on styles she could totally, pull off without tripping…"
Leo sighed, "The point I was trying to make… is women's clothing, makes… me feel distressed. While men's clothing, while at times can be distressing to figure out how to put it on… a large chunk of clothing, is comfortable and not distressing to wear… plus they have pockets. Pockets you can put things in, and not designed to look like it has pockets. As much as those Mini Fourth-Dimensional pocket-sized duffle bags some people carry around, maximise space so they don't need pockets… I'd like to walk out with just a wallet, keys, and phone. Not that I could… right now. I'm stuck here… because it's the only way to remain safe."
"Mini Fourth-Dimensional pocket-size duffle bags?" Alluka asked more out of curiosity, rather than concern for the older teen.
"Women's purses… people make jokes about it…" The teen paused, "But I've asked Ashton for a mint… and she has pulled out a food container… that looked as though it shouldn't have fit in her bag. Just saying… they have Mini pocket dimensions inside them."
"Ah…" Alluka froze, unsure how to respond to the revelation of Ashton being able to tightly pack a handbag.
Leo offered an apologetic smile, "Sorry, for overloading you with information about my problems with clothing and handbags that make no sense at times to me, but if there's one thing to gather from this… It's that I dislike specifically designed clothing and handbags designed for a specific gender, I don't identify with." The boy shivered at the idea of being forced to wear any of that.
"What if…" Alluka thought of something, "it's like in a play? For example…" Alluka pointed at Juliet's dress, "You had to wear something like that for a character you're portraying in a play? Or even a movie?"
"I'd rather opt out of the play or movie than be caught in it…" The older boy frowned, "It causes me distress, even if it's play pretend."
"Do I feel that way…?" Alluka asked herself the question, not expecting a response or addition to her question. Even though she had worn male clothing, Daniel's clothing when he was younger… to be exact. She remembers feeling uncomfortable, unnatural in those clothes. So, she guesses she is like Leo in a sense. She just can't say why she felt that way.
Was it because, even though it fit her, it was still considered small for her? Was it because she was wearing her brother's, boyfriend's old clothes? It's hard to gauge an actual answer without key information.
She's not about to ask Leo, because like Ashton said… people have different answers to the same question.
"I did feel uncomfortable… wearing male clothing, but I can't give an extensive answer, like, you did."
"Shoot… I'll listen."
"It was my Daniel's clothing when he was younger… His sister didn't have old clothes that fit me, so I had to settle for that… I just don't know why it was uncomfortable."
"Your brother is dating Daniel, correct?"
"Yes… I know what you're going to suggest, that was one of my thoughts. But I can't say that's the case… maybe if I could fit into my brother's clothing, I could give a clearer answer…"
"Why your brother?"
"Because he has style, and dresses for comfort."
"Oof, roasting your future brother-in-law, I see…"
"Nah, Killua says that… and Daniel agrees with him." The younger girl chuckled, remembering all the times Killua picked out something for Daniel to wear, only to find out Daniel had liked the choice. Sometimes, she'd even catch her brother blushing from receiving a thank you.
"A young…" Leo raised a finger, "As Ashton would put it, budding fashionista…"
Alluka chuckled, "I guess so… But if I am uncomfortable, in clothes designed for comfortable wear… then I guess, I could narrow it down."
"And if you aren't…"
"Maybe it's just Daniel's old clothes."
"That's a reasonable assessment… Or…" The boy's throat rumbled as he looked over to Alluka, "You could ask Ashton if you could try on male clothing that would fit you. Most of her clothes are not just intricately designed, but very comfortable. Why don't you ask her…? That would help you narrow down avenues."
"What if I do feel comfortable in male clothing?"
"Then if you're still Trans, then it just means there's a different reason as to why you feel that way… plenty of girls, rock male clothing and don't care that they look like guys… actually, there's a term for those people. They're called tomboys. But that's beside the point. For me, it makes me uncomfortable… because it reminds me of an expectation, to be someone I'm not. For you, it might not matter… just like changing your name, might not matter for you."
The older teen smiled, "Just like Ashton says… Be who you are, not who you're expected to be… or who you expect yourself to be. Which is her fancy way of saying, don't be anyone else… but yourself."
So, the idea just hit me… I already know the answer… the question is, can you see it coming, or will it be a surprise. That's all I'll say on the matter.
By the way, some of the comments Leo makes… I have totally, done or know of someone who has done it. Guess which…