Accounting for Mistakes

Everything in Redcliffe Castle was the stuff of nightmares, and thanks to the presence of the Fade, I could see all of it with very good clarity. The dead. The dying. Demons. Letters and journals detailing the despair undermining even those who were supposedly among the victorious.

Red lyrium.

We battled our way through the castle, killing men and women who were more beast than human. By the light of the Fade, many of them appeared grateful for the mercy, though I didn't know whether it was true or if I read too much into what my new sight told me. In any case, by the time we found Alexius, I was ready to lose my sight again, and though I wouldn't have minded leaving without having to kill him, I didn't begrudge Leliana the mercy-killing that precipitated the conflict. The abuse she had been singled out for was...I had thought myself numb to the shock of new horrors until I saw what had been done to her.

Moments later, watching as my friends - my friends and Solas - entered a pact to sacrifice themselves to give Dorian time to work his spell...then a part of me was glad we had killed the Creators-damned magister.

They fought, trying to hold the doors, but eventually they were forced back into the hall. There were demons, Venatori, and obvious abominations. Blackwall fell first, protecting Solas. He blocked a Venatori sword, and a terror demon ripped out his throat, bending to feast on the blood.

Varric fell next, unwilling to use his precious crossbow as a shield against another Venatori blade - and so it pierced him instead. Then, for good measure, another of the bastards ran him through from behind, and bent to take Bianca for himself.

Solas was last. Mana spent, he had nothing left to defend himself with when a shade lifted him and broke his neck.

I know I screamed then - tried to run to him. It hurt. Oh Creators, it hurt so much more than I had thought it could hurt, so much that none of it even felt real. I just knew I needed to be beside him. Needed . Needed, or...I didn't know. I was already moving. If it cost me my life, that was such a small price to pay -

Dorian's hand caught me and I nearly fell to my knees before I heard his voice in my ear: "If you move now, they all die."

It stopped me - barely. My life might be expendable, but Solas's wasn't.

Standing there, muscles burning and twitching with my desperate need to both go to the Solas I had just watched die and also remain in place so I could return to the one who still lived - that was when I thought we had killed Alexius entirely too quickly.

As if what had already happened weren't enough, we stayed just long enough to see Leliana stabbed by one of the Venatori and then ripped apart by demons.

By the time we tumbled back into the present, I was a shivering mess of rage and grief, and had I not so desperately wanted hurt the Void-spawned magister with my own hands, I might have called down lightning and ended everything right there - possibly for all of us, given how fragmentary my control was at that moment.

Entirely forgetting that Alexius had ever meant anything to Dorian, I marched up to him as we emerged from the rift, hardly even noticing that my sight was again reduced to almost nothing. He watched me in blank despair, and made no attempt to stop me as I slammed my fist into his stomach. He doubled over, and I bent slightly to observe the pain and fear bloom across his features. "A year," I snarled. "You had a year free of me - and do you know what you did with it?" He raised his face, and my other fist crashed into his cheek, sending him to the floor. "You failed." My voice was beginning to rise, my chest heaving with something that fell between despairing laughter and desperate sobs. "Your son died anyway, a mindless, twisted ghoul! Tevinter smoldered in its ashes as the rest of the world burned! So tell me: was it worth it?" His mouth worked, but no words emerged. "Was it worth it, you fucking bastard?"

Hands on my shoulders and upper arms held me back as I struggled, seriously considering kicking him. Perhaps in the head. Perhaps the groin. Perhaps I wouldn't stop until he stopped breathing.

"Inana."

Solas's voice.

It was likely the only thing that could have called me from my murderous rage. For the first time, it registered that the visceral, impossible pain of Solas's death had eased, leaving behind only a residual ache. I stopped struggling, and the moment I did, I found myself being pulled into an embrace - but not Solas's. It was Leliana who drew me into her arms.

"You're here. You're alive. You're safe," she told me firmly. Though her arms were around me, there was something oddly impersonal in it, as though she were remedying a problem rather than sharing an unguarded moment with me. "You are safe, Inana."

Maybe she was remedying a problem. Impersonal or not, warmth and the sound of another's heartbeat in my ear was grounding. I found myself calming, my own heart rate slowing as my breathing grew less ragged.

"You must forgive her," Dorian said quietly from somewhere nearby. "We just watched all of you give your lives to send us back here. I don't even really know you and it was rather traumatic."

I took a deep, steadying breath, and Leliana released me. "Better?" she asked.

"Ma serannas," I replied, unable to meet her eyes, and unwilling to meet anyone else's.

At least until another hand on my shoulder made me look up, and I found myself face to face with Felix. "I'm so sorry you were forced to endure that," he told me, his voice gentle and his gaze compassionate. I had been right about him, and he had been right about Dorian. Then I remembered that Dorian wasn't the only one who cared for Alexius - and my shame over my behavior grew, even as my respect for Felix's grace grew proportionally.

"Felix," his father groaned from the floor.

The young man left me to sit or squat down on the floor next to Alexius - I couldn't be certain, could only see the movement. "It's going to be all right, Father," he said.

"You'll die," the older man replied, his voice catching on the words.

"Everyone dies," Felix told him steadily. There was more movement in the area - additional auras - and I knew Inquisition soldiers were taking custody of Alexius.

I finally found the courage to look at Solas and Leliana again, and then glanced toward Dorian. Took a breath. "Ir'el abelas. That was - wrong. I let - everything - get away from me." No one appeared angry or disgusted, at least, but I knew my outburst had been entirely wrong.

"Well," Leliana said quietly, placing a hand on my shoulder that felt much friendlier than her arms around me had a few moments before, "perhaps we will more readily give passes on poor behavior resulting from time travel than we would for other reasons, yes?"

"I think that is a very good policy," Dorian assured her.

I risked another glance at Solas, who hadn't spoken since saying my name. He wore a slight frown, though more from concern or confusion than displeasure, I thought. His lips parted as though he meant to speak -

And the tramp of heavy boots, marching in precise unison, cut him off. Soldiers entered - quite a number of them judging by the blurred movement I could see. The sound ceased abruptly as they apparently found their places in the room.

"King Alistair," Leliana hissed for my benefit.

A voice rang out. "Grand Enchanter. Imagine how surprised I was to learn you'd given Redcliffe Castle away to a Tevinter magister."

"King Alistair!" Fiona said, sounding nervous - for good reason, all things considered.

"Especially since I'm fairly sure Redcliffe belongs to Arl Teagan," the king went on.

"Your Majesty," she said more quietly, "we never intended…"

"I know what you intended," he replied, matching her volume though his voice remained flinty and unsympathetic. "I wanted to help you, but you've made it impossible." There was a brief pause. "You and your followers are no longer welcome in Ferelden."

"But," Fiona gasped, "we have hundreds who need protection! Where will we go?"

I stepped forward carefully, away from Leliana, Solas, and Dorian. "The Inquisition did come hoping for your aid in sealing the Breach," I reminded Fiona, bowing my head briefly in the king's direction and hoping he wouldn't take too much offense.

"And what are the terms of this arrangement?" she asked a little stiffly, clearly aware she had been backed into a corner with no room to negotiate.

"Hopefully better than what Alexius gave you," Dorian said before I could speak. "The Inquisition is better than that, yes?"

"This may be the only chance for freedom these people have," Solas said more quietly, the words meant for my ears alone.

As if there were any question. I was Dalish and a mage - magic was a gift among my people, not the curse humans and flat-ears thought it. The only bonds I would willingly give these mages were those of responsibility - for themselves, for their power, and for the ways their power could be used to help others. "Yes, the Inquisition is better than that," I told Dorian. My voice was still a little rough, but otherwise steady. "We need partners - allies - not conscripts or slaves," I told Fiona. "My people swore we would never again submit to slavery, and that has to mean not engaging in it ourselves," I added more quietly.

She stared at me for a moment, sorting through my words, her eyes searching my face. "A generous offer," she said slowly, still wary. "But will the rest of the Inquisition honor it?"

"The Breach threatens all of Thedas," I pointed out. "We cannot afford to be divided now. Our only chance for success requires your full support."

"It will be honored," Leliana promised. "The Herald has been given the power to negotiate for the Inquisition in many matters - but most particularly in this one."

"I'd take that offer if I were you," the king told Fiona. "One way or another, you're leaving my kingdom."

"We accept," Fiona agreed. "It would be madness not to."

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding, relieved. "Everything is madness just now, so I very much appreciate you deciding not to contribute," I told her. "Perhaps, King Alistair, your soldiers might consent to work with those from the Inquisition to expedite the mages' removal?"

"They will," he told me a little stiffly.

I thanked him anyway. Then Dorian and I excused ourselves - he, at least, knew the proper forms for taking one's leave of royalty - to write the longest report in the history of long reports, putting down every detail of everything we remembered from that hideous future. It was still morning when we arrived at the forward camp. We were forced to light candles before we were finished. Twice, as the first ones burned down to nothing, and we were still remembering small details that we feared to have overlooked.

When I finally stumbled to my tent, I was ready to pass out. I didn't expect company.

I definitely didn't expect Solas.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize someone was there, especially as he was a mage and his aura ought to have given him away. But I was exhausted and I couldn't see - I felt his aura, but I wasn't seeking it out. I thought our tents had just been placed close together. Very close together, because - "It even smells like him," I muttered to myself as I sank onto my bedroll, breathing deeply.

That was when he gave a delicate cough, and managed to cover my mouth fast enough to cut off most of my shriek. His emotions washed over me, making me gasp - dark amusement, concern, anticipation, curiosity. Admiration. Attraction.

Boots approached from outside. "Um, are - are you okay, Your Worship?" Scout Harding's voice asked.

"Spider," I gasped, giving the first excuse that came to mind. "Just a spider. Ir abelas. I didn't mean to wake the camp."

"Oh, no - that's fine," she told me quickly. "It happens. Spiders happen, I mean. Uh - sleep well, Your Worship."

"You too, Harding," I replied, knowing I would probably be amused later, but too busy feeling my heart pound to feel much else at the moment. Her footsteps retreated.

Solas removed his hands from me entirely. "My shoulder is fine," I told him quietly, "if that's why you're here." It wasn't why. I already knew it wasn't. I couldn't be certain whether I offered up the excuse to give him a way out or as retaliation for releasing me, to make it harder for him to tell me why he was really there.

If it was the latter, it didn't work. "You are certain you experienced time travel?" he asked me quietly, but with unmistakable fervor. "Could it have been an illusion? A trick of the Fade?"

"I already told you I sometimes have visions of the future in the Fade," I reminded him. "I would have recognized anything in the Fade."

"Of course," he backtracked quickly. "Well. Such knowledge is a gift. It is vital the Inquisition succeed - to avoid the future you witnessed."

I laughed softly and drew my knees to my chest. "You say that so calmly. Watch out for that step, Inana. Don't drop the tea. Be careful not to scare the halla. Don't let the Veil be torn down by the Elder One while he force-feeds everyone red lyrium until it grows out of and engulfs their bodies."

"The Veil was torn down?" Solas asked, taking particular interest in that piece of my sarcastic recitation.

"I could see," I mumbled, hiding my face in my arms. "I could see - and the only things to see were nightmares. I got my sight just in time to watch my - to watch people I count as friends being horrifically murdered while I stood by and did nothing."

His hand brushed my back - over my clothes, but still warm and meant to comfort. "Not nothing," he told me gently. "You stood by, and waited to come back to the present to ensure their sacrifices - our sacrifices - weren't squandered."

It was only when I looked up and felt cool air against my face that I realized my cheeks were wet. "You tasked me with doing something, when I was there," I whispered.

"Oh?" he replied, his hand leaving my back as though he could already sense what I intended.

Perhaps he could. Perhaps I didn't care.

I didn't surprise him as he had suggested in that future version of Redcliffe - I wasn't sure I could, not when I could barely see him most of the time. Instead, I gave him ample time to reject me if he wanted to, though as soon as I touched his cheek and felt his shock turn to comprehension laced with awe, I knew he wasn't going to reject me.

I leaned in and very deliberately pressed my lips to his. My only experience kissing anyone outside of the Fade was one fumbling attempt with my clanmate Nellar two years before we were supposed to gain our vallaslin. All the rest had been with Solas, in dreams.

Dreams. I hadn't yet told him about my dreams.

We had a lot to talk about.

He leaned in to my hand caressing his face but didn't return the gesture, didn't wrap me in his arms - really didn't move at all beyond his mouth. He kept his tongue carefully to himself. But his lips absolutely devoured mine, as though he were the one who had been dreaming of this for years, and not me. His breath came in harsh pants as his mouth moved against mine, plying me with unspoken promises of profound delight, and he advanced so quickly I couldn't keep up. Beneath my fingers and lips, I felt his hunger for simple things - physical contact, affection, friendship, warmth. He was, at least at that moment, little more than desperate hunger masquerading as a man.

Even so, he was the one who pulled away, shuddering, from the kiss. I spent another moment stroking his cheek, and then closed my eyes and removed my fingers from his skin, absorbing the blow of absence that followed.

"We shouldn't - indulge ourselves that way," he told me. "I shouldn't - not before you understand what it is you do. I believe I must tell you what I know - what I have observed within the Fade - of the shivas'lath before this goes any further."

"Good," I replied, "tell me."