I'm only just getting over a cold that is probably not covid, and I'm so tired. Even so, I edited this to better conform to the (stupid) rules of this site. There's sexual content at the end, but I tried to make it non-explicit. Sorry if it's a little disjointed or references things from earlier smut chapters that I didn't put up here - I hate editing this stuff since I have a hell of a time writing it to begin with.

Well-Deserved

Solas finished crafting a magelight, and immediately put up a spell to conceal our conversation as I laced the tent flaps closed, causing me to glance back at him in surprise. "Is that necessary?" I asked. After the day we had been subjected to, I hadn't expected him to want to do much besides sleep. I wasn't at all convinced I wanted to do much besides sleep.

Rather than answering, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, his lips finding the back of my neck. At the touch of his skin on mine, my awareness of him sharpened, and I realized that there were cracks appearing in the calm front he had been putting up since our battle with Widris.

"Oh," I said quietly, turning within the circle of his arms so that I could wrap mine around his waist. "I was starting to think it really didn't bother you - or at least that you weren't ever going to admit to it."

"Cassandra and Iron Bull needed answers more than I needed…" he trailed off, unwilling to put his feelings into words.

"It really was your knowledge that saved us," I whispered.

"It wasn't knowledge," he spat. "It was guesswork. I wagered our lives on my ability to form a coherent - and correct - picture from a woefully incomplete set of facts."

"Because there wasn't much choice," I reminded him. "Do you think we could defeat Corypheus and a mage intent on using the Void to unmake the world?"

"I don't know," he told me truthfully. "Perhaps - had I been given a chance for more targeted study."

"But it wasn't a risk you could take," I concluded.

His arms slid down, tightening around my body and trapping me against him. "No. Ir abelas, vhenan."

I covered his neck and jaw in kisses. "Don't apologize to me, Solas. As far as I'm concerned, you're a hero - a brilliant one."

His bark of laughter was miserable.

"Stop it." I struggled to get free of him so that I could look into his face. "You did your best, and it was enough - if only barely. That's a victory, remember? No one expects perfection?"

I couldn't hear any of the retorts he wanted to make, but I could feel them. I suspected the only reason he didn't voice them was because he didn't want to undermine any of the things he had told me regarding my own feelings of failure after Haven. At least, I supposed, he recognized the similarities, even if that recognition wasn't doing him any good at the moment.

Sighing, I began stripping off my clothes, and after a moment he did the same. I had been sleeping in nothing more than a shift since Solas and I began sharing a tent. Anything more both seemed unnecessary and had the practical effect of leaving me too warm with Solas pressed against me all night; anything less seemed imprudent considering the nature of the activities we were trying not to pursue in camp.

Tonight I decided to forego the shift, and stripped it off along with everything else.

He choked.

"It's not a proposition," I grumbled. He was too far away for me to see clearly as we both undressed, though he wasn't a completely indecipherable blur, either. "I just want to hold you. But...even if it does become more, do you really think anyone would blame us? After today?"

"Likely not," he allowed, swiftly shedding his own layers so he could come take me in his arms and pull me into our bedroll.

I pressed myself against him, luxuriating in feeling his skin against mine as he doused his magelight, plunging us into darkness.

"I cannot forget your face as we stood within the Void-tainted space, trying to reach the rift," he said quietly. "You…"

"Almost gave in to despair," I agreed, since he couldn't seem to voice the thought. "You should have told me what you intended before we got there," I allowed - the one part of the whole ordeal I did blame him for. "It would have made everything easier had I known there was a plan." I wouldn't have been such easy prey for the Void had he not lied, and lied, and lied just before the confrontation.

Another bark of laughter that was more pain than humor emerged from him. "And how was I to tell you of my half-formed intentions?" he demanded. "Before they experienced the Void, would Cassandra have calmly agreed that it might be necessary to tear open the Veil and flood the area with the Fade? How would they have responded - " He broke off as pain and self-loathing arced between us. "I used them as bait and shields to buy us time," he confessed, as though it weren't obvious in retrospect. "You were always the only one who could possibly stop her, and I was the only one who could tell you how."

I closed my eyes against both his pain and my own. "Solas - they would have volunteered for that if you had just offered the chance . You never had to trick anyone into anything."

"I couldn't take that risk," he countered, even though I could feel him doubting his own certainty.

"Yes," I replied gently, "you could have."

He shook his head and exhaled sharply, trembling and very near tears as I smoothed my hands over his face, ears, and bare head.

"You…every time the parameters of what we're dealing with change, you go back to assuming you can't trust us," I observed, making sure my voice stayed quiet, trying to avoid turning it into an accusation.

His arms tightened around me. "Them," he corrected. "I return to assuming I cannot trust them ."

Them? He didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

"I know it's unworthy - " he began.

"No," I said, stopping him. "You don't have to trust all of us as a group, or trust us each to the same degree - but you should decide to what degree you do trust each of us, and then adhere to it. Then there will be no guilt attached to the telling and not telling of secrets and plans, because you'll have your reasons for speaking or not, and your decisions will be consistent."

My words hit him like punches even though my hands were still stroking his skin soothingly. I felt each of them land through our bond. "You're correct, of course," he told me, miserable, though he was trying to keep it from me. "You make integrity appear as straightforward and effortless as it is appealing, ma vhenan."

There was nothing I could say in reply that wouldn't sound like a criticism, and so I contented myself with continuing to run my hands over his face, head, and neck, soothing away the lines of pain and unhappiness that were beginning to become familiar to me any time he fell into self-recrimination. He held himself consciously tense at first, resistant to the comfort I offered. It was clear he didn't believe he deserved it.

As I continued without further commentary, though, he was slowly - half against his will - lulled into a near trance, and, from there, into something like serenity. Then I let my hands wander farther, across his shoulders, down his arms and then back up again, over his ribs, raising goosebumps and a breathy laugh, quickly stifled. Then I traced the length of his spine firmly, with the flat of my palm, silently encouraging his muscles to loosen - at least a little.

He pressed his forehead to mine and gave a quiet hum of satisfaction that was very nearly a moan.

And it...echoed?

No, I realized, the "echo" had come from outside our tent. I listened more carefully, and then stifled a laugh against Solas's shoulder. "Did Dorian and Blackwall trade tents?" I asked.

Solas seemed confused by the non sequitur - he apparently hadn't heard what I had - until we heard the muffled groan again, followed by indistinct words in Iron Bull's voice. The words might not have been audible, but the unmistakably appreciative tone was.

"So it would seem," Solas said. "I...confess myself surprised."

"Mm, well," I shrugged, "Bull was one of the ones who bedded Dorian - enthusiastically - in wed/bed/behead, so I'm not that surprised. More that Dorian would participate than that Bull would make the offer." I sighed and bent my head to rub my nose against Solas's throat. "Today was a day that might...make someone require comfort, though."

"Do you?" he asked.

"I do, and I'm taking it," I pointed out. "Do you?" I could feel his protest before he even opened his mouth to say it. "It's not that I don't want to cast aside almost three weeks of stifling restraint. I just don't need that. Do you need it?"

"I - " he began, his voice choked with the denial he couldn't quite seem to force out. "I don't deserve - "

"Do me the courtesy of letting me decide what you do and don't deserve from me," I demanded.

He sighed heavily, his breath brushing my face as one of his hands sought and cupped my cheek. "My love. My heart." His voice was rough. "Dirtha em ame then. Dirtha em ane teleros."

"You are certainly awake, and I am real." I took his hand and pressed it between my legs. "I ame nar."

He breathed out an incredulous little laugh. "Emma." I felt him shake his head. "Tel'ame min lanunast." In spite of his professed disbelief, he began stroking me, and I felt his interest growing.

I hooked my leg over his hip to improve his access. "Ar lath ma, vhenan."

"Dasha la'var ongeran ra," he sighed, but he continued stroking and made a satisfied sound as I grew more aroused. He pressed his lips to mine in a brief, searing kiss. "I fear that without you, this world would be as empty as the Void itself - particularly in moments such as this. Ma serannas, vhenan. It's possible you are the first person to ever see me with such clarity. That you do not recoil in horror is - "

"A testament to how harshly you judge yourself?" I interrupted. "Because if you were going to finish that sentence in any other way, I would be forced to bite you."

My threat won a real laugh from him this time. "If you begin biting, I will take it as license to do the same," he growled, both playful and, somehow, entirely serious. I hadn't entirely succeeded in talking him out of his guilt, and he resented - a little - the degree to which I had succeeded.

"Terrifying," I assured him, but my playfulness wasn't at all complicated. To underscore its simplicity, I leaned closer to nibble at his ear, giving him the permission he apparently felt he needed to give my shoulder a couple of sharp nips, though they were still more pleasurable than not. The largely pointless nature of the game we appeared to be playing made me laugh. "You once told me I could explore," I reminded him, running my hand down his chest with what I hoped was clear intent.

"You are welcome to explore me at any time, provided you are prepared for the consequences." His fingers teased me, and I inhaled sharply - but also rolled my eyes.

"Yes, orgasms. What a terrible fate it is you're promising," I replied dryly. My hand found what it had been seeking, and he let out a hiss, before pressing his face to the side of my neck, his own fingers stilling - but I could feel his pleasure through our bond and it was enough for the moment.

"You know, we don't have to wait," I pointed out reasonably. "Yes, it's camp, but you have the sound-muffling spell up, and Dorian and Bull are being pretty loud, and - "

He laughed against my skin. "So impatient, vhenan. Right now, we are going to be quick and as quiet as possible. As we intend to leave in the morning - as early as is feasible - we need to sleep soon. I don't wish to be constrained by either time or the presence of others." I couldn't see him in the dark, but I could hear his wicked smile. "When the time comes - hopefully soon, if we could, perhaps, avoid another crisis for a handful of days - I have every intention of savoring you as you deserve."

It was, as promised, quick, though no less satisfying for that - two and a half weeks of mostly sharing our nights while sharply curtailing the activities that should have resulted had left both of us wound up with considerable tension. I wasn't actually certain who hit their orgasm first, but our bond immediately dragged us both into an insulated cocoon of pleasure as each of us pushed the other higher. It must have taken a full minute for enough space to appear between the aftershocks for anything like thought to emerge, but Solas's kisses eventually began to go from desperate to lazy. I wasn't certain how well we had managed the quiet part of quick and quiet, though I didn't remember any screaming, so that was something. Maybe a few moans that the spell wouldn't have been able to smother.

We lay with limbs tangled together in the aftermath, lips still touching more because it was too much trouble to move than because we were actually kissing. I heaved a sigh, coming to a decision. "I'm never moving again."

He was silent for several heartbeats, apparently considering my judgment. "I would argue, but I believe you will have a change of heart when you remember this is a bog choked with undead," he replied at last, taking the trouble to actually kiss me as he finished speaking. Then it was his turn to sigh, followed with a groan as he sat up.

"No one said you were allowed to move," I informed him.

"Nothing prevents you from issuing an official reprimand once we return to Skyhold," he replied, amused, as he began hunting through our packs for something.

"Except the embarrassment of explaining to Cullen what it was you did. Or Fiona? I don't even know whose authority you would fall under."

"I rarely seem to fit neatly into chains of command," he confessed, returning to me with a cloth to clean my leg. "It appears to be my fate."

"Ma serannas," I said, as he gave it to me. "I'm not convinced it was worth moving for, but I appreciate your sacrifice." He chuckled softly and the sound made my skin prickle. "Ar lath ma," I told him with far more sincerity.

"Ar lath ma, arasha."

I wrapped my arms around him when he slid back down beside me, trying to warm his chilled skin, and he hummed his appreciation.

"We can share dreams, if you like," I told him, already feeling drowsy.

"Ma serannas, vhenan - but if I'm to have nightmares I would prefer you not be forced to witness them," he replied. "In any case, I rarely lose control of my dreams. There is no cause to worry for me."

I understood. When I had been having nightmares, I hadn't sought to share my dreams for similar reasons. He didn't need to see himself die.

I took a deep breath, turning my attention to the delicious sensation of his skin against mine, and slept.

Dirtha em ame then. Dirtha em ane teleros: Tell me I am awake. Tell me you are real/physical/not a dream or spirit.

I ame nar: And I am yours

Emma. Tel'ame min lanunast: Mine. I cannot be this lucky.

Dasha la'var ongeran ra: Little as I deserve it