A/N: I'm back! I'm happy to let you all know that I've written several chapters for this story so I can update again! The updates will be slow - like once a month (maybe twice a month if I can) - but there will be updates. The chapters won't be proofread from here on out so if there are any mistakes, let me know. I hope you can enjoy this story once again! Please read and review ^^
"Pads, what was that out there?"
"What was what?"
"Please, we both know you're too clever to act like you don't know."
"Oohh, are you calling me a genius? Well, thank you," he said, trying to joke his way through it.
"Pads," James said while sighing. He gave him a look.
"Yeah, whatever," Sirius said, turning to go sit on his bed.
"Seriously, what was that?"
"Nothing. Forget it."
"Padfoot, you can't just say 'forget it' while you were ranting like that just a minute ago." It was Remus who talked this time.
"Oh, I can't, can I? and why is that?" It came out almost like a snap.
"What did I do?" Remus asked, clearly confused.
"Nothing."
"Then what is the problem? Obviously there's something wrong."
"Just… I don't know," he said, sighing, exasperated as he brushed his hand through his hair. "I just got so… Ugggh, so… irritated."
"Okay~" Peter said a little hesitantly. "About what?"
"Like I know!" And he just kept raging. "She is just so… UGGH! And she thinks she knows everything! But guess what, she doesn't! No, she does not! And just leaving me hanging there! And the chocolate! She is just so… so… UGGGH!"
During his whole rant his three best friends just sat there and watched him. James got a little smile on his face, some kind of mixture between gentle and a smirk. He knew how Sirius felt, he himself had felt the same thing for a few years now. Though he was surprised to find Sirius of all people experiencing the same thing.
Remus wasn't stupid. He knew what was going on, even though he himself hasn't felt that way about anyone before. He forbids himself from doing so for obvious reasons. But even so, his eyes turned gentle, soft. Happy for his friend.
Peter was curious. He had known Sirius for six years now. He had never known that the school flirt would be able to feel something like this or something genuine, apart from friendship, at all. It was kind of surprising to say the least.
Finally Sirius stopped, done pacing, just panting, sitting on his bed. And they just started laughing. All three of them just started laughing and Sirius just said there and gave them this incredulous look, which of course only made it worse.
"What the hell is so funny about this?"
"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Certainly not the fact that you're in love," James almost cried out, still laughing.
Sirius looked at him like he had grown tentacles as arms. "Wait. What now?"
"Padfoot, you're in love," Remus said, at least trying to hold his laughter.
"Me? In love?" He just got nods in responds. He rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Yeah, sure. With who then?"
"Hermione," they all answered at once.
"Me? In love? With Hermione? Did you guys get brain damage or something? Did Snivellus do something to you I don't know about?"
"First, I take personal offence that you think Snivellus can do something to us. Second, even if he had, we would've got revenge and you would certainly be part of that. Third, yeah, you're in love with Hermione," James said as he ticked off a finger for each point he just made.
"I'm not. How did you even come to that conclusion?"
"Have you literally not heard what you were saying just a second ago?"
"Yeah, and it was not good. Were you guys even listening to what I said?"
"Yeah, that's how we know."
There was silence for a few moments, Sirius not knowing what they were on about and the other three looking at him, waiting for it to sink in.
"I'm not in love with her, though," Sirius decided to break the silence. "I mean, how could I? She is a bookworm, she follows the rules, she… she is like a second Evans. And we all know that I could never fall in love with Evans." The small protests of James were ignored as he kept talking, "Plus, she did all that stuff I just told you about. How could I ever fall in love with someone like her?"
"How are we supposed to know? We only know that it happened." They looked smug.
"You know what? I've had enough of this. One, I'm not in love with her and that will never happen either. Two, I'm going to bed. You guys are mental." And with that they left him alone and got into bed.
In the days and weeks that followed everything went back to normal. Kind of. Sort of. Sirius acted like nothing had happened, playing pranks, telling jokes, teasing people. Even her. But not before he had acted a little distant towards her for a couple of days. Those days Hermione had often thought about talking to him but she would always talk herself out of it. If he wanted to talk about it, he would come to her.
So for a little while she kept waiting, wanting for him to come to her and explain what had been the problem. Eventually though, she gave up. It was clear that he didn't want to talk about it and she had better things to do than just wait around. She had homework, tests and then there was the matter that she was still looking for a way back home. Because with the amount of time she had been here and all the things that had happened she had almost forgotten about the fact that she found herself in the past, in a different timeline than her own.
So one day, having finished all the work she needed to be done, she found herself once again in the library, searching for information. Information about time distortion, information about time manipulation, information about time travel. Anything that may have a hint of helping her get home.
Objectively speaking she knew she had a slim chance – slim to none – of finding something, anything. Especially when even Dumbledore had as good as nothing after all these months. But she just couldn't sit still, wait and do nothing. That only made her feel useless and that was something she absolutely could do without. Feeling useless. She already felt useless because she couldn't help Harry and Ron because she literally found herself in a different timeline. How were they doing? Were they making progress? Was Voldemort defeated yet? How much had she changed the future – her present – by being in the past for so long?
Those questions often whirred around in her head. Those and many, many more. Sometimes she had it a little difficult to stop worrying about everything and when it became too much she would isolate herself, retreat to the tranquillity of the library or the isolation of her bed with the curtains drawn tightly shut.
But now she was back in the library. Not because the thoughts and worries became too much but because she wanted to feel like she was doing something, that she was not wasting time by doing nothing.
But of course her peace and quiet couldn't last for too long. Before she knew it, Lily had joined her at the table with a few books of her own. She didn't mind, not really because it was Lily and she at least respected the rules of the library, whisper or be quiet. But sometimes she preferred to have some time alone.
However, it seems the books were just there for decoration. Lily had hardly taken a seat or she was engaging Hermione in conversation. Well, engaging was a big word. It was more like Lily was raving about something or other that James had done and Hermione was there to listen. Which, once again, she didn't mind, not really.
"… and then he just goes and scares him away. I mean, what's his problem? I was just talking to Sam and he does something like that! The nerve." She was clearly angry.
"Lily, you know exactly why he did it, because he likes you and he was jealous."
"Jealous of what? Like I said, we were just talking. And he doesn't even have the right to be jealous because we aren't even together."
"You know as well as I do that he doesn't care about that. He has feelings for you so he will be jealous either way, doesn't matter if he has the right or not."
"I know, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating."
Hermione could only answer with a look that was some kind of mixture between understanding and amusement.
But before either of them could say anything else, Snape made an appearance.
"So a mudblood can get frustrated? Well, no surprise there. It must be difficult, being an outcast between all these witches and wizards," he drawled.
Hermione thought she saw Lily's eye twitch, in annoyance or hurt she couldn't tell. Nonetheless, the curly-haired witch retaliated.
"One, everyone can feel frustrated, wizards and muggles alike. Two, we're at Hogwarts so that makes us witches. What did you think we were? Decorations walking around? And three, you're a halfblood yourself, which means you're part muggle. So if we're mudbloods, you're just one step above us. Well, if you base rank on blood. If you base it on people's mindset, I think you would be below us mudbloods. Wouldn't you agree, Lily?" Never once did she look away or did her voice waver. She was done with that term. It may not hurt her as much as it used to but she was damned if she would just take it like she used to with Draco.
Lily, a little surprised and shocked about Hermione's reply, said, "Yeah, I think you're about right."
Snape's lips turned into a thin line, his taunt not having the effect he thought it would. "What do you know about my mindset, you ignorant fool. And who wants decoration that comes from a dump? It would only soil the place." And then he just walked off.
Deciding they were done in the library, the girls decided to go back to the common room, not wanting to risk another encounter like that.
"Wow, Hermione," Lily said.
"What?"
"Don't get me wrong, but I never thought you had it in you." Hermione gave her a questioning look before Lily proceeded. "I mean, I know you can retaliate. You do that all the time with the marauders. But I have to admit I was a little surprised back there."
"Well, I was just sick and tired of being called a mudblood. I've been called that for years now and I just had enough."
It was silent for a few moments. Then they both just burst out laughing. They were still laughing when they reached the common room and just before entering Lily said, "Did you see his face?"
Apparently their laughter had gathered the attention of almost everyone present because Marlene asked, "Whose face?"
And she didn't know what was so funny about that question but immediately after she had asked it, the two witches just laughed harder. This of course piqued the interest of the marauders who were sitting in front of the fire. They looked at each other and then back at the girls, questioning looks on their faces.
After a couple of moments Hermione managed to wheeze out a "Snape's face". That name of course wasn't met with laughter but with frowns from their friends.
"Snivellus?" James asked the three other marauders. They just shrugged in response. James then turned to the girls and waited until they had calmed down and had taken a seat on the love seat before asking, "What was that with Snivellus' face?"
And for once, Lily seemed to forget about her dislike for the boy as she just dived into retelling what had happened earlier in the library. And just like them, Marlene and Alice started laughing. The marauders, not so much. On the contrary, they were angry.
"How could you laugh about this?" Sirius asked incredulous.
"Yeah, he called you –" James faltered. He couldn't bring himself to say the word.
"Mudbloods, he called us mubloods. It's okay, you can say it," Hermione replied.
"No, we can't. It's a term worse than most curses."
"Well, apparently not everyone thinks the same about that."
"That doesn't matter, Hermione. It's still a word civilized people won't use," Remus said, joining the conversation.
"But it just remains a word. It can't do much harm, so why stop mid-sentence just because you don't want to say it? If it comes from you, I know you don't mean it." Of course words could do harm, sometimes they even hurt more than certain curses and jinxes. But she wasn't going to avoid the word, if it was used, it was used. It wasn't pleasant but that's just the way it is.
"But it will never come from us. We would never use it! A word or not, if you have principles, you don't use it!" Sirius was getting more and more agitated, the longer this conversation got.
"I know you have principles and I know you would never use it to hurt us. I'm just saying that if it comes up in conversation, you don't necessarily have to avoid it." Hermione was getting a little agitated herself, maybe as a reaction to Sirius's obvious agitation.
"Hermione," Lily tried to get her attention, tried to get her to stop reacting because she saw where this was going. A little more and it would turn out like one of the many previous outbursts between the two. They could both be so stubborn. If she only knew it was just the same between her and James.
"No, they have to understand. Just avoiding a word won't do anything anyway. It doesn't make people stop using it so just name it for what it is. Mudblood. See?" She hadn't seen the twitch Sirius' eye had made when she said that hurtful term and she just kept going. "I said it and what happened? Exactly, nothing. I'm used to being called a mudblood so just use it when there is no way around. I'm kind of immune to it by now."
She was met with silence. Lily looked downright horrified. Why bother to convince others to use a word that is supposed to hurt you, that is supposed to make you feel like you are less than other people? And she was used to it? She had heard the brunette say that on several occasions but there always had been a part of her that hoped it wasn't true.
The other two girls looked at her in shock. And then there were the marauders. Their faces showed a mixture of horrified and rage, pure and utter rage and all in different degrees. But Sirius stood out. How could he not? His fists were clenched shut so tightly his knuckles had turned white, his face was red from the anger he felt, the veins in his neck stood out, he was clenching his jaw and his breathing was laboured. Any time now, the smallest word, smallest move, and he would explode.
"Look, we've had this conversation before. Can we just let it be?"
And that was the last straw. Sirius just let loose. The younger students and the ones that had nothing to do with this were clever enough to leave the common room, they either went outside or to their dorms. But the marauders and the girls just stood there and took whatever he threw at them. Well, what he threw at Hermione. Because he was damned if he would 'just let it be'.
"SHUT UP! You'll listen to what I have to say and you'll listen damn well or I swear to Merlin that I will make you listen!" She was about to say something in return, not one to let someone speak to her like that. But she couldn't say anything as he just went on.
"First of all, I will never use that word. Even if I was being cursed, maimed, tortured to death, that word will never leave my lips. Second, you're used to it? Really? It doesn't bother you? Not even a little bit? BULLSHIT! And even if you were, that doesn't mean that other muggleborns are used to it. Doesn't mean that Lily is used to it!" Normally he never says 'Lily', it's always 'Evans'. Only that small detail was an indicator of how utterly mad he was.
But he wasn't done yet.
He grabbed her by both arms and almost shook her a little as if he would be able to shake some sense into her. However, he refrained from doing so, only tightening the grip he had on her arms. "And you're used to it? You shouldn't even get used to something so vile as that! Who is the bastard that called you that? I swear to God that if I ever find him, I'll torture him so fucking hard he'd wish he was dead." He didn't yell the last part. His voice was serious, steady and all the while he looked her in the eyes, showing her how much he meant what he had just said, how serious he was about it all.
Silence.
That was all that followed after his outburst. Utter silence. No one knew if they should break it or even if they could break it. And if so, they had no idea how. How do they react to that? what do they say? What do they do? So the silence dragged on.
Hermione stood there, right in front of Sirius, him still gripping her arms. She wanted to say something, anything. But she couldn't. It was like the words were stuck in her throat, like something blocked their way out. And so she could only look at him as he kept staring into her eyes.
Suddenly, a tear makes its way down her cheek. Sirius was taken aback, surprised by its suddenness. "Mione, are you crying?" he asked, his voice soft as not to startle her any further.
Everyone was up and about after hearing this, crowding around her. Hermione just looked at him in question before bringing up a hand and wiping across her cheek. And indeed, she was crying.
She just looked back up at him and before anyone knew what was happening, she had wrapped her arms around Sirius' neck and was holding him like her life depended on it. She just started crying as she buried her face in his neck.
Sirius was surprised but hugged her back, all the while looking a little bewildered at their friends around them as if asking for help. But they stayed silent, not really knowing what to do. It was the first time any of them had seen her cry, the first time they had seen her be so vulnerable.