Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling. All characters, places, descriptions, etc. (unless original and created by me) belong to her.
Summary: It was a small pack, of course, just the five of them, but together they were something wild. Hermione finds herself in the Marauder's Era with four new best friends.
A/N: Read and review! Let me know your thoughts, your theories! Enjoy!
Chapter 64: Ubi Amor, Ibi Dolor*
1 September 1978
From: The Shelter, Yorkshire
To: Regulus Black, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
Regulus,
Happy last first day! Write me when you can. It's your last year so please at least try to enjoy it a little bit.
- Hermione
2 September 1978
From: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
To: The Shelter, Yorkshire
Granger—
There's a morose atmosphere hanging over the school this year. The sorting hat had some choice words to say. I think it purposefully tries to frighten the first years.
Don't worry about me. Antonin says he's determined to fill your place as—and I quote—"the only thing keeping Regulus from going mad under the weight of teenage angst." I told him he'd have to adopt your innate Gryffindor-ness and he tried to curse me. So, we'll see how that goes.
This will be the second birthday I miss. Look out for him.
And eat a slice of cake for me.
-R.A.B.
3 September 1978
The Shelter
It was Sunday again, and tonight, the Shelter hosted in honor of Sirius' 19th birthday. The little cottage had opened its doors to all of Sirius' closest friends. The rooms overflowed with Hermione and the Marauders, Lily and the Gryffindor girls, other graduates of Hogwarts, some new faces from work, even an Order member or two. It was crowded and loud and messy and chaotic, and Sirius Black fucking loved it. He flashed from room to room like a ray of light, not even the constant center of attention, but just soaking up all the laughter and fun and life. His eyes were bright and his smile never faltered and his drink was always full.
Lily trailed Sirius through the halls, her camera in hand, snapping picture after picture of the party. James and Peter were in the kitchen, leading a group through a convoluted but enticingly fun drinking game. Dorcas and Marlene danced together as they guarded the record player, having shunned some young Auror for his truly shameful taste in music. Hermione laughed as she turned a corner and caught Frank and Alice Longbottom in a heated snogging session.
The house was alive, and Sirius was happy. But there were a lot of people. And it was loud and overwhelming. Hermione craned her neck to check for Sirius before quickly absconding to the second floor. Luckily, the party hadn't seemed to notice that there were stairs in this house. Without thinking about it, Hermione found herself drawn to Remus' room, realizing she was craving quiet and the feeling of safety she always got from her Alpha.
They'd decided to use Remus' room to store everyone's jackets and Hermione's nose wrinkled at the different colognes and perfumes muddling his scent. She pulled open Remus' drawers to find one of his sweaters, pulling it over herself before collapsing on top of the coats piled on Remus' bed.
The music from downstairs still drifted up and there was a slight shake to the whole house, but it was calm here. And quiet. Hermione sighed.
The door burst open, and Hermione sat up with eyes wide. Remus looked back at her, a smirk sliding into place on his tired face.
"Are you guarding the coats?" he asked, turning to close the door behind himself.
Hermione fell back on the bed and pulled her arms around herself. "Constant vigilance," she muttered. She smiled when Remus snorted.
"Well move over then. Two's better than one." Remus plopped down next to her, shifting the coats below him to find a comfortable position. He laced his fingers over his stomach. "That's my favorite sweater, you know."
"I know."
The record scratched downstairs, causing both werewolves to wince at the noise. A collective groan and then a cheer rang out from the floor below as the music picked up once more.
"So…"
"So…"
"Ten minutes and then we'll go back down." Remus moved to wrap his arm around Hermione, pulling her close as his eyes shut. Somehow her presence always seemed to be able to calm him.
"Ten minutes." Hermione turned on her side and cuddled into him, breathing his scent in deep. "Then we've got to do cake, and James said he wants to make a toast or something."
Remus grunted below her. The music changed again and a new roar tore through the house.
"It's just a lot, isn't it?" Hermione whispered into Remus' chest.
"Yeah." Remus took a deep breath.
"But it makes him happy."
"That's why we do it."
12 September 1978
From: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
To: The Shelter
Granger—
The full moon is coming up. How are you feeling? I hate don't like missing these. Though I suppose I may actually be able to sleep through the night not having to listen to the ridiculous howling coming from the Shack every month. I thought the whole point of those three becoming Animagi was to calm the wolf? Maybe I should become one too and show them how it's done.
If only I had a way to successfully sneak out of school…
-R.A.B.
14 September 1978
From: The Shelter
To: Regulus Black, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
Regulus,
For a Slytherin, you're quite obvious sometimes. You know that, right?
I'm doing okay. The house is a bit busy right now. Sirius is finishing up his physical training for the Auror Office. When he's not working, he's sleeping, and when he's not sleeping, he's grumbling. Remus and I have banished him to the garage to tinker with his motorbike when he gets in these moods.
You as an Animagus though? What do you suppose you'd be? Despite your name, I think your Slytherin loyalties would refuse to let you become a lion. But looking at your name…
R.A.B. Perhaps a rabbit?
Let me know the date for the first Hogsmeade weekend?
-Hermione
P.S. Third floor. One-eyed witch. "Dissendium."
17 September 1978
From: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
To: The Shelter
Granger—
I'm not dignifying that with a response.
First Hogsmeade weekend is 14 October. Let me know if you can make it.
-R.A.B.
From: The Shelter
To: Regulus Black, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
Rabbit,
I'll be there.
-H
19 September 1978
The Shelter
"We are not going to the Shack to celebrate my birthday!" Hermione laughed as she threw her napkin across the table at James. He and Peter had made it over to the Shelter for dinner to mark the special day. Lily was uncharacteristically absent from James' side. She'd started work at Mungo's and was currently assigned to the night shift. According to James, she was loving the experience, but it was hard, emotionally and physically draining. She'd lost her first patient just the day before.
"But it's iconic, Pup," James groaned.
"Prongs, maybe we should ask Hermione what she wants to do," Remus suggested.
"Oh brilliant, Moony. Where'd you get an idea like that?" Peter shared a look with Hermione as she rolled her eyes playfully.
"Okay, Pup, what would you like to do for your birthday?"
Hermione looked around the table at her boys and shrugged. "Er, this?"
James threw his hands in the air. "Ugh, hopeless I tell you."
Sirius whipped his napkin at James, catching his ear and making the man yelp. "Oi, knock it off, you tosser." Sirius leveled a devilish grin at Hermione. "Come on, Pup, we just want to celebrate you some more. A measly Tuesday night dinner doesn't cut it. Let us take you out."
She swore it was the wine that was making her blush. "Fine," she conceded. "Fine. But nothing too crazy. Just us—and Lily if she's free."
Sirius winked at her across the table as James whooped and thrust his fist in the air.
23 September 1978
Muggle London
The bar was lively, not too crowded but not too quiet either. Hermione had let Sirius pick the place and smiled brightly at him when she'd walked inside. He'd done well.
The five of them had crowded around a small table and quickly made a solid effort toward getting drunk. A few more people trickled in as the night wore on. Peter and Remus went to the bar to get another round before the bartender got too busy. Sirius threw his arm around Hermione's shoulders as James rattled off a story that was only partly true, but completely hilarious.
Peter returned to the table with his arms full of drinks, Remus nowhere to be seen.
"Pete, how'd you manage to lose a werewolf?" Sirius laughed.
"Not lost," Peter smirked and pointed back at the bar. "Caught."
Sure enough, Remus stood at the bar, absolutely enthralled by a woman in a red dress. She flicked her long brown hair over her shoulder and reached out to touch his arm before throwing her head back in a laugh. Remus looked entirely out of his depth.
"Oh no," Hermione looked back at her friend. "You left him to fend for himself?"
"Predator becomes prey," Peter laughed. "He'll be fine."
"Oh I think he'll be more than fine," Sirius chimed in. Hermione elbowed him but smiled along.
"Good on Moony," James nodded and held out his fresh drink. "To Moony!"
"To Moony!" The three others raised their glasses and drank to Remus.
The night wore on and the drinks kept coming. Remus remained at the bar with his new friend—coming back with another round, James had reported that her name was Jacqueline. Lily finally arrived and pulled James and Peter to join her to spy on Remus. Hermione laughed along with her friends but had no intention of leaving her comfortable spot at the table.
She was tipsy, almost drunk now, in that happy spot where everything was warm and light and fun. She burrowed into Sirius, who leaned down to place a kiss on her head.
"Feeling good, Pup?"
"Never better." Hermione slipped her hand into Sirius'. "Thanks for this, Sirius."
"Of course, Pup," he said as he pulled her closer to him. "Sorry I've been so busy lately."
"What?" Hermione looked up into his eyes. "You've been working. You just started. I totally get it."
"But I promised you a conversation." His voice dropped. Merlin, and there was a dangerous spark in his eye.
Hermione took a breath. This was a turning point. Where was she going? Which way? This was Sirius, and she didn't think turning around and backtracking would be easy with him. She looked him over. All of him. His handsome face, his eyes, the soul that lay behind. The other roads disappeared.
"You did promise me that." She met his eyes and pulled their joined hands into her lap. "I thought you'd forgotten."
"Fuck, Pup." Sirius moved his hand from around her shoulder to tangle in her hair, spanning her neck and running his thumb from collarbone to jawline. "I'm just trying not to fuck things up."
"What do you mean?" She reached for a glass of water from the table, taking a sip and trying to clear her mind a bit.
Sirius touched her chin, pulling her eyes back to his. "I don't want to do this here." His trademark smiling smirk fell in place as his hand fell to palm her thigh. "Come home with me."
Hermione just nodded.
They didn't say goodbye. They didn't stop to chat. They just walked out into the night air, Sirius pulling Hermione close, and apparated home.
The Shelter
Call it the buzz from apparition or from the booze, but Hermione started kissing him the moment they landed. Lifting up on her toes, wrapping her arms around his neck. Just but a second behind, Sirius responded, gripping her waist tight before pulling her as close as he could to his body. And then he was kissing her back, biting at her lip, groaning into her mouth, dropping his lips to her jaw, her neck, her ear. Hermione felt like warm champagne. He nipped his way back to her lips and stole her breath, trading his for hers. Merlin, she never wanted to stop kissing him.
But then he stopped. Sirius pulled back, resting his forehead against hers, panting slightly just inches from her mouth. Hermione's eyes searched his face, but he kept his own closed as he set his jaw. He pulled his head away, intent on not kissing her, but his hands—Godric, his hands were everywhere as he spoke, testing Hermione's focus as he traced her curves and the arch of her neck.
"I don't want to fuck this up, Pup. It's you I need in my life, one way or another, and I'm not giving that up. I know what I want, but I'm not going to risk it if it means losing you."
"Sirius, I—"
"Fuck, Hermione, I'm halfway to being in love with you. But I'm begging you—" Sirius Black dropped to his knees, his hands gripping her hips like they were the only thing keeping him from drowning. He looked up at her with sinner's eyes, looking to repent a sin he'd repeat again and again. "Don't let me fall if I'm falling alone."
Fuck.
Fuck, she wanted him—she did—but…
"I'm not ready." She spoke without realizing. But as she blinked, she knew it was what she needed to say.
"Right," Sirius spoke as air escaped him. He released his claim to her hips and sat back on his heels. "Right, no, of course." He got to his feet, running his hand through his hair and scrubbing it across his jaw.
Hermione reached out to grab his arm before he could keep talking. She turned him to look at her. "I'm saying I'm not ready now, Sirius. I'm not saying no. I'm saying yes. I-I want to see where this goes too, but I need to go slowly." She remembered the feel of his lips on hers, his hands on her body. "For now."
Sirius' face lit up. He stepped up to her and cradled her face in his hands.
"Let me kiss you. Please."
Hermione nodded.
It was bruising and hard and over all too fast, but it made her smile and her pulse start to race once more.
"At your pace, Pup." He smiled. "We'll jump when you're ready."
They spent the rest of their night talking. Realizing they'd apparated straight into Sirius' room, they saw no reason to leave. Sirius lent Hermione some clothes and turned around as she'd changed to get more comfortable, gritting his teeth and rolling his eyes as she teased him for his manners.
They climbed onto his bed, and as the conversation wore on, slipped under the covers. Hermione wound her legs between Sirius' while he traced constellations on her arms.
"I should—" Hermione yawned. "I should go to bed." She didn't move.
"Sleep here, Pup." He dug his nose into her hair. "No funny business. Just sleep."
"Remus isn't home, yet." Hermione wound Sirius' arm around her.
"Fuck Remus." Sirius breathed in her hair and hummed. "What shampoo do you use?"
Hermione smiled. "Lavender."
Sirius breathed in again. "Lavender. I like it."
"I know," Hermione whispered. She rubbed her thumb across his knuckles. "Okay, I'll stay."
"Good," Sirius whispered back, sleep already pulling him down. "I sleep better beside you."
"'Mione?"
It was a quiet whisper, and it was a wonder even with her lupine capabilities she even heard it. But something in her pulled Hermione wide awake, sitting up in bed as if someone had spoken right in her ear.
She blinked roughly as her head throbbed at the memory of several rounds of shots. She looked down at Sirius' sleeping form next to her. Before she had time to think through what this night would mean for the future, the whisper came again.
"'Mione?"
Hermione moved out of the bed, careful not to disturb Sirius. She followed the pull down the hall. The faint light of the hallway spilled into Remus' room, illuminating the hunched silhouette of the werewolf leaning against the wall.
"Remus?" Hermione rushed to his side. "Are you okay? Talk to me."
Remus groaned a painful noise of anguish before doubling over violently and throwing up on the floor at his feet. He swayed in place for a moment before crashing to the floor against the wall. Hermione clenched her eyes shut and drew in a deep breath, immediately regretting it before she searched through Remus' pockets for his wand to dismiss the mess.
That taken care of, Hermione wormed her way under Remus to pull him to his feet and toward his bed. His eyes were closed but he was awake, groaning with each and every movement.
"You're lucky I like you, Remus Lupin, because this is ridiculous." She pulled his feet under his covers, noticing his belt was missing and his shirt was done up all wrong. "It's supposed to be the birthday girl who gets embarrassingly drunk."
"'m not drunk," Remus mumbled as he grabbed a pillow and pulled it over his face.
"Right, and I definitely believe you." Hermione rolled her eyes and sat on the bed beside him. She glanced at the clock on his bedside table. "It's three in the morning, Remus. Have you been out drinking this whole time?"
Remus didn't answer. He just groaned and pushed the pillow harder against his face.
"Okay, okay, none of that. You're going to suffocate yourself." Hermione reached out to pull the pillow off. Remus wouldn't let it budge. "Let go, Remus." He didn't. "Okay seriously, let go."
"No," his words were muffled and quiet. "I don't want you to see me."
Hermione pulled her hands back to rest on Remus' leg. She smiled sadly. "I've seen you in all sorts of shapes, Remus Lupin. Why are you hiding from me?"
"I did something bad." Again the words were muffled.
"Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. You tend to worry a lot, you know. It's an endearing quality, but one that hurts a bit too, doesn't it?" Hermione rubbed at Remus' leg. "What happened?"
Hermione couldn't make out the words he'd said next. "I can't understand you, Remus."
He ripped the pillow off his face, cheeks blazing and eyes firmly set on the ceiling above him. "I had sex."
Hermione's eyebrows shot up and her mouth dropped open. Nothing came out.
Remus blinked, eyes darting about before he shifted up to rest on his elbows and look at her. "Well?" His face was begging her. "Say something."
"Remus," she started, unsure exactly where she was going.
He groaned and threw his head back down, pulling the pillow back in place. Hermione struggled not to laugh. She reached out once more to pull at the pillow. This time, Remus let her.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don't hide from me, please." Hermione set the pillow beside Remus' head and laid down next to him. "So you had sex. First time?"
"You know it was," he grumbled, still looking at the ceiling.
"And?"
"And what?"
Hermione scoffed. "How was it? Who was it? The girl from the bar?"
"Yes."
"Yes it was the girl from the bar?"
"Yes."
"Remus, this is like pulling teeth. How was it?"
"Fine."
"Fine?"
"Yes," his voice went wistful. "It was fine. It was… nice. No, no, it wasn't. It was good, really fucking good. For me, at least. Fuck. I'm sure I sucked at it, and we were both drunk, and I'm sure I'm not remembering it right, but fuck, yeah, it was good."
Hermione smiled, this time letting herself laugh. And Remus laughed, too.
Then their laughter died and a moment passed and then another. And then Hermione couldn't tell if she'd just closed her eyes or fallen asleep for a second. Blinking, she looked over at Remus. His eyes were still set on the ceiling.
"Are you okay?" she whispered.
Remus closed his eyes tight, pushing a tear out to fall down to his ear. "No."
"Did you not want to stay? Did something happen?" Hermione's hand sought out Remus' across the expanse of bedding. She squeezed it tight.
"No, I—" He tried to find the words. Hermione breathed in deeply beside him. Remus smelled like fear, and guilt, and shame. He clenched his jaw. "I can't help feeling like I was doing something I wasn't supposed to."
"What do you mean?" Hermione tread forward carefully.
"I just—It's—I'm not supposed to have it, right?" Remus kept his hand in Hermione's, but turned his head away.
"Sex?"
"Sex, relationships, love, whatever."
Hermione's heart broke. "Oh, Remus." She crawled over him to take his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. When he closed his eyes, she placed kisses over his lids and spoke to him anyway.
"You are worthy of so much love, Remus Lupin, of great fantastic love. You deserve relationships that make you excited and giddy and frustrated and sad and angry and stupid." She laughed as tears slipped down her cheeks. "And you deserve sex. Lots of it, as much as you want. With whomever you want. Bad sex. Great sex. Mediocre sex."
"But I'm a mons—"
"Man. You're just a man, Remus."
"But I'm too dangerous."
At his words, Hermione sat back against Remus' thighs, just looking at his face for a moment. "What about me?" she whispered.
"What about you?" Remus furrowed his brow confused, eyes still closed.
"Do you think I'm not supposed to have sex? I'm not supposed to have a relationship?" Her voice started to break. "I'm not supposed to have love?"
Remus' eyes shot open. He sat up and grabbed for Hermione. "No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. Of course not."
"Then why, Remus Lupin," Hermione grabbed roughly at his face again, trying to drive the point home. "Why do you not think the same for yourself?"
"I—" He started to speak but floundered, the words, the reasoning, the logic escaping him.
Hermione gently released his face and pulled Remus into a tight hug. "One of these days, I'm going to get through to you. One of these days, you won't need me to constantly remind you of how wonderful you are."
"I'll always need you, Pup."
When Remus finally settled, Hermione left him room, passing Sirius' with a momentary glance. She could hear his soft snores and glanced back at Remus' closed door before heading to her own room.
She was dead tired, but there was one last thing she wanted to do before she was ready to say goodbye to her birthday. Reaching under her bed, she pulled out the box and letter that had arrived at her window earlier that week.
From: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
To: The Shelter
H—
Happy Birthday.
R.A.B.
Hermione smiled as she ran her hand over the little lions playing across the wrapping paper. She gently pulled it apart and opened the box. A laugh and a sob fought for the first escape from her throat as she brought her fingers to her lips.
She smiled as she carefully lifted Regulus' gift from the box and held it to her chest. With a yawn, Hermione fell back against her pillows, sleep claiming her again almost instantly. Her dreams were filled with magic and laughter and all sorts of beautiful creatures playing in the woods. When Sirius poked his head into her room in the morning to check on her, he was pleased to see a smile upon her face.
He didn't notice the black velveteen rabbit clutched close to her heart.
A/N: *Where There is Love, There is Pain