Chapter 44 – Unforgiving

DISCLAIMER: We do not own Star Wars or any of the characters in it, though we wish we did. xD

Author's Note: In which... Anakin and Obi-Wan talk, and Anakin goes to talk to Ahsoka. :P Beware the imminent foreshadowing. *evil grin*

~ Amina Gila

Vader is agitated when he reaches Obi-Wan's quarters. The Jedi is inside, and he immediately lets him in when he knocks. "Asajj told me I should come talk to you," he blurts out, fists clenching. What is he doing here? This is never going to work. He'll be disappointed. This –

"Why?" Obi-Wan questions, a raised eyebrow betraying his surprise.

A hint of apprehension slithers into Vader's conscious awareness, and he finds that he's unable to meet Obi-Wan's eyes. "Can I talk to you?" he asks instead.

"Of course." The reply is immediate, instant, automatic. "Anytime, Anakin."

He bristles inside at the use of that name, but he doesn't object any more than he objected earlier. Somehow, asking – demanding – that everyone use another name makes it feel too real. It makes it feel as if he is really a lost cause, trying to deny the obvious. You're stupid to think you can reverse this. The mocking voice sounds like Sidious, but it's only the sound of his own doubts and self-loathing making him dig an even hole for himself.

Vader paces to the window, standing there for a minute without actually seeing outside before whirling back towards Obi-Wan. "If I don't find my way back, I'll be letting Sidious win," he tells him, saying what he told Asajj earlier, "But I don't know how to turn back. I don't think it's even possible at this point, and – and I'm afraid of losing whatever is left of myself."

Obi-Wan's expression is open, understanding. "Go on," he requests.

"This is exactly what I was afraid of happening," he admits quietly, slinking over to the couch and sitting down. "I think I've known for a long, long time that this was coming. There's a limit to how much anyone can kill and destroy without… getting lost."

"I know," Obi-Wan whispers, expression shattered, "And I am so, so sorry that it had to come to this for you." He moves closer, sitting down next to Vader. "If I could find a way to fix this for you, I would do it."

"Even if you Fell?" Vader asks dubiously – the one thing which Obi-Wan has always refrained from doing is touching the Dark Side. Even Ahsoka has given in to the temptation, though she rarely uses it.

"Yes," he answers without hesitation, "Even if I had to Fall."

It sends a tingle of warmth through Vader, fleetingly thawing the icy chill wrapped around him. It also reminds him of what Obi-Wan said earlier. "I love you I always will. Never doubt that, Anakin, please." He had never thought, dreamed that Obi-Wan might actually care for him that deeply. It's not something he's let himself give much thought to, because they have hardly known each other, and his ability to form attachments and seek out connections to other is… not something he's terribly proud of.

It seems like such a weakness to crave a deep emotional connection to people, especially those he hardly even knows – relatively speaking; they only met at the beginning of the war and mere months have passed since – but the moment they met again, it was as though something clicked into place. It was as though the Force itself was proclaiming that they were meant to be. Anakin had fought the pull he felt to the Jedi from the beginning only to give in to it when they were imprisoned together with no one but each other and Ahsoka.

The vulnerability he'd felt then, and the knowledge that they were in it together, brought them together. It allowed them to form a bond that became far deeper and more extensive than they could ever have anticipated, given the couple weeks they were together. But it happened, somehow, and Vader doesn't regret it. He doesn't regret the way he's come to care for Obi-Wan; he still can't put a name to their relationship. They don't need one anyways. They are friends who are family. That's enough for him.

"How can I come back?" he questions finally, the icy cage around him flickering once more.

Obi-Wan reaches out, laying a hand on his arm. Vader likes that the Jedi – ex-Jedi? – recognizes how much he needs physical contact. It helps him focus, even if nothing else can. "You have to want to, first," Obi-Wan tells him, "And you have to be able to face what is keeping you from coming back."

Vader looks away, swallowing, as his mind drifts back to what happened before he Fell, how he killed the Tusken Raiders. The power he had felt was intoxicating as always, but then… he had enjoyed destroying them for no reason other than that he wanted to. They were not the enemy. They were not trained soldiers. They were civilians. They were innocents. And – and Obi-Wan is right. Letting go of the Dark Side will mean facing the emotional repercussions of his actions as well as the truth that he cannot undo that. He cannot bring the dead back to life.

Obi-Wan is right, of course.

"I don't know if I can do that right now," he whispers.

"That's what I was afraid of," Obi-Wan admits, but he doesn't sound accusing. He shifts closer to Vader, offering him silent comfort and support. "If you're not ready for that, then perhaps we should focus on keeping you from getting lost any further."

Vader reaches out, gripping Obi-Wan's hand tightly, trembling slightly for a reason unknown to him – or a reason that he is unwilling to admit. "How? Please, Master, tell me what –" He cuts himself off when he realizes what he just said. What was he thinking? That is wrong. It's not – Obi-Wan is not – he would never have wanted to train him, not now after seeing him like this. Embarrassment creeps up, and he feels himself flushing. "Sorry," he mutters, abashed.

"No, it's – it's okay, Anakin," Obi-Wan promises, squeezing his hand. He pauses, hesitating almost. "Do you really… think of me as your master?"

Vader focuses on trying to quell his mortification for the slip-up; it's not something he'd even given thought to in the privacy of his own mind. "Yes? No? It's difficult to explain," he admits. "I have thought, sometimes, about what it would have been like if you had trained me as a Jedi, and I know that if you had, I would not… find it difficult to call anyone 'master,' but…" His voice trails off and he shrugs. "I don't know."

"I'm not upset," Obi-Wan repeats, reaching out to touch Vader's face for a fleeting moment. "I would have been proud to raise and train you. It had been my dearest wish for years that I be able to train you as a Jedi, not because of my promise to Qui-Gon, but because you deserved the chance to fulfill your own dreams."

A sound escapes him, and he lunges forwards, burying himself in Obi-Wan's arms. "That – knowing that you really think that…" His breathing hitches. "It means a lot to me, Obi-Wan. I love you too, you know. You're part of my family."

Obi-Wan says nothing, wrapping his arms around him, holding him with a secure protectiveness that Va- Anakin never thought he could get from anyone – other than his mother perhaps – not like this. "You wanted me to tell you how to refrain from becoming more lost," the Jedi says at last. "Refrain from hurting and killing as much as possible. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. And – and I know that is asking a lot from you, but I see no other way right now."

And again, he knows that Obi-Wan is right. It will be asking a lot. It will force him to control himself far more than he does when in battle. It won't be easy, especially not while he's so immersed in the Dark Side. But… he had asked, and Obi-Wan is trying to help in the only way he knows. Even Anakin can't see another way.

"Okay," he murmurs into Obi-Wan's robes, pressing closer. He doesn't understand why Obi-Wan sometimes seems to be the only person now who can keep him sane. It used to be true of Padme – in a different way, of course – but now that she's not here… He'll always miss her and long for her presence, but maybe it's a good thing that he isn't relying on her for everything. This is – he doesn't normally reach out to anyone for help, but he can trust that, right now, Obi-Wan will be here to help him. "Stay." It's practically a plea.

"I will," Obi-Wan promises, hugging him closer.

After a short pause, the Jedi speaks up again. "What exactly are Tusken Raiders?"

"Hmm?" Anakin mumbles, lifting his head. "Oh. They are – they are a nomadic species on Tatooine. Sapient, but deadly. They – some tribes anyways – attack moisture farmers or other settlers, slaughtering them senselessly. They – they also… capture prisoners for some type of ceremony or something and torture them to death."

He feels more than sees Obi-Wan make a face, his incredulity echoing into the Force. "Killing them, the children, especially, was wrong, and I think you know that, but if they are really… if your description of them is the truth, and not simply what you believe of them, then I don't see how the loss of the adults is a bad thing."

That was – well, it wasn't what Anakin expected to hear. It's weirdly comforting in a way, but it's not enough to give him the final push to letting go of the Dark Side.

**w**

Anakin spends a couple hours snuggling with Obi-Wan and talking to him about nothing in particular before he seeks out Ahsoka. He feels far more stable and more like himself, but at the same time… not. He can feel the Dark Side burning at him, distorting his perspective, making him feel more jealous and possessive. It's different from how he usually feels. Usually, when he's not on the battlefield, he's able to let go of the Dark Side enough that he's able to breathe without inhaling the Darkness as well.

Now, it's different. It's chilling, searing him from the inside out with the sheer coldness of it. He knows his eyes are yellow. He can withstand it for now, but it's only a matter of time before his resolve and his desire to be good still in the face of the evil he's embraced wears away at him. Every moment, he's losing more of himself. Is it really worth it, to avoid facing himself, the truth of who and what he is?

That, he supposes, is the crux of the question. He has always known that his actions were… questionable, to say the least, that he shouldn't enjoy killing as much as he does, but what he did on Tatooine was worse. The entire operation was his choice from start to finish. It wasn't for any greater good. Well, okay, it was, in a way. He did it, partially because he wanted to stop the Tuskens from causing any more damage, but that thought had been an inconsequential one in his mind. He did it because he wanted to feel their suffering.

And he isn't ready to face himself yet. He isn't ready to take a look at himself and accept the person that he has become. Accepting that he is not as… good as he'd always wanted and hoped will be difficult. It will shatter his worldview, his opinion of himself. He isn't ready to do that while he's under Sidious' thumb.

Anakin – he will cling to his name, his own name, for as long as he can – finds Ahsoka in the gardens. She's lounging in a tree, lying back against a branch, and staring up thoughtfully into the canopy. "Snips," he calls, tilting his head back to look up at her.

She perks up, swinging upright and looking down at him. "Hey, Skyguy," she replies, and he feels her probing at him through their bond. "You feel… less conflicted, but still Dark," she observes. "Did you talk to Obi-Wan again?"

Anakin hums. "I just got back from being with him. I wanted to talk to you again."

"Okay," she replies, hopping to the ground and wrapping her arms around him, hugging him tightly. "Do you feel okay?"

"Yes. No. I don't know," he sighs, holding her against him, resting his chin in between her montrals. "The Dark Side will change me into someone I don't want to be… but I'm not ready, not able to let go of it right now."

"I just want you to be okay," Ahsoka whispers, sending him a wave of affection through their bond. "Asajj talked to me. She said that she was going to ask Dooku about returning to her home of Dathomir to see if she could get some advice for you from the Nightsisters."

Anakin laughs despite himself. That is totally something that Asajj would do. "I don't think she'll find what we need, but it couldn't hurt I suppose," he admits. "The Nightsisters are very different from the Sith; they don't use the Force, the Dark Side like we do. But… I suppose we might learn something of interest."

"Don't sound so optimistic," Ahsoka grumbles, poking his side.

He pokes her back, knowing how incredibly juvenile the gesture is. "I'm not very optimistic," he replies flatly. "About anything. But I'll keep my comments to myself."

"I have an idea," Ahsoka declares brightly. "How about you teach me about the intricacies of building a starship engine? You started a lesson that once, remember? But then we got interrupted and never got back to it."

A distraction. She's trying to give him a distraction to keep him from getting lost in his thoughts. Somehow, even if they've only known each other for a few months, Ahsoka is able to understand him and intuitively sense what he needs. He feels his affection for her grow, and he lazily sends it to her through their bond. "Okay, but don't complain when it doesn't make sense."

**w**

Padme pulls herself away from Sabe's bedside only to make a special, brief visit to the Chancellor. She'd promised herself that she would speak with him on Anakin's behalf, so she will. As soon as she finishes with Palpatine, she'll return to Sabe's side. The handmaiden – ex-handmaiden, technically, now – has finally been stabilized, so she'll be transported back to Naboo tonight where she will undergo the surgery and begin the long process of healing. It will be difficult for her, but Padme intends to be there with her, just as Sabe has been with her since she became queen so many years ago.

"It is such a relief to see you alright, my dear," Palpatine greets Padme once she is shown into his office. "I heard about the attack on you. Such a tragedy, truly. My condolences for the loss of your two friends."

"Thank you, Chancellor," she replies gratefully, meaning every word of it, "But that is not why I am here. It's about Anakin."

He leans forwards instantly, expression set with worry. "What is it? Tell me. Did you see him? Talk to him? How is he?"

"He is… struggling," Padme admits, "And I could not get him to tell me anything which I could use to help him or the Republic. He feels trapped with no way out. Before I went to Raxus, and please spare me the lecture – I have heard it already from everyone – I spoke to Master Tachi. She confided in me that the Council has issued a kill-on-sight order on Anakin. That – Anakin has not proven to be so much of a threat that killing him is preferable to capturing him. He is only a pawn. He is not like Dooku."

Not that she would condone such an order on Dooku either, but at least there would be more grounds for it.

Palpatine is visibly troubled by her words. "I have heard nothing of it," he tells her, just as she had expected. "I will speak to the Jedi Council about that at the soonest convenience. While I do not expect they would be able to capture Anakin, I would hate for them to callously execute him without giving us the chance to get answers from him. His actions against Naboo, especially, were very troubling to me. Naboo has been his home, and I know he loves the planet. I never thought he would agree to participate in an attack against it."

Padme winces slightly when he mentions it. Truthfully, she has still not gotten over it herself. She and Anakin will need to talk about it again, at length, and she at least wants an apology from him in addition to an explanation. His mother is on the planet. Why would he ever willingly put her in such danger, even if he didn't care for the planet itself? Too many things aren't adding up, and Padme wishes that she could get answers. She feels so lost, so helpless, and now, she has to be strong for Sabe's sake. There is no one she can turn to or rely on to help her sort this out.

Except Siri, she realizes. Maybe once Sabe is settled on Naboo, she can try contacting her Jedi friend. Perhaps they will be able to put some puzzle pieces together if they talk about the situation. She still doesn't know what punishment Siri faced on her return to Coruscant; hopefully nothing too severe.

"None of this makes sense, and Anakin refused to tell me anything." Padme tries to tone down the frustration in her voice, but she knows she doesn't fully succeed.

The Chancellor sighs. "I will speak to the Council," he reiterates. "We have to start somewhere, I suppose. Let me know if you learn anything about Anakin."

"I will," Padme promises, understanding a dismissal when she sees one. "Thank you for taking the time to speak to me, Chancellor."

He gives her a strained smile. "Of course, my dear. Anytime."

**w**

Sidious watches the naïve, young, foolish ex-Senator leave, a sinister smile on his face. He had not, in truth, known about the kill-on-sight order, but it aggravates him. The Jedi are doing far too much sniffing around for his liking, and if he doesn't know their plans, he can't prepare accordingly. They will not be able to kill Vader though; he is a dangerous, wild animal that can only be controlled by a firm, unyielding master.

He will be the guiding hand that the young Sith needs, and in time, Vader will be able to achieve his full potential. But not yet.

No, there are other things that must play out first. Dooku, Sidious knows, is planning to betray him, so perhaps he should set into motion his plan of locating a suitable replacement. And in the meantime, he needs to find a source inside the Jedi Order who will feed him everything. He has just the person in mind, actually.

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