Chapter 62 – Death of Dreams

Author's Note: Typical psychological manipulation in Sidious-style. Poor Vader. He's getting so badly screwed over. ;-;

~ Amina Gila

A week passes in a blur for Vader. He meditates throughout much of the day, exploring the Force, the Dark Side, hidden by the shielding in the chamber. He only leaves to take breaks, to eat or drink or use the 'fresher or just walk around. Sidious had encouraged him to use the Force in lieu of sleep, and that is what he's done.

At night, the Sith Master comes here and guides him, teaching him more about the Sith, more about their more arcane powers and abilities. He teaches Vader so much, and it has long since ceased to bother him to look into the mirror and see yellow-red irises staring back at him. The Dark has settled into his bones, into his every cell. He can no longer remember what it was like to let go of it, to have it lapping at his heels distantly instead of curling around him and whispering in his ears.

It is ever-present to him now, and Vader knows that no one in his family would be happy with him. They would be disappointed or sad or angry, and he doesn't want to face that, not yet. He doesn't even want to think about it, so he focuses instead on the Dark Side, on amassing secrets and power and meditating on his passions.

He doesn't want himself to be distracted by the love he harbors for them, knowing how displeased his master would be. Instead, he focuses on his anger and hatred, stoking them, kindling them, dwelling on memories from his distant past when he was a still a slave on Tatooine, and even later under Sidious, though he careful with those thoughts. It would be too easy for his master to sense them, after all, and he needs to learn this power, he needs it so that when he goes to Mustafar, he will succeed.

All of this will be worth it if he can find a way to bring back his mother, to give her the life that she truly deserved, the life that was taken from her so abruptly. He does not know how she would feel if she was to see him now, bathed in the Dark Side, twisted and corrupted beyond the person she would have remembered. Or… perhaps, he does know, but he merely chooses not to think about it. Perhaps it is that his desire to right the wrong of her death is making him willfully blind himself to anything else.

"I'm not afraid of death, Ani, and nor should you be. I'm not afraid to die if it means that you'll be free. I was willing to let you go so you could become a Jedi, and even if that didn't work out, I would still be willing to let you go if it meant you'd be safe. I don't want this life for you. I never have."

He buries those words, that memory, deep down where it can't bother him. He's come this far already; it's too late to turn back.

Vader also rebuilt a lightsaber, taking the one he stole and bleeding one of the crystals, using the components as well as others which his master has to create a new saber not that different from the one that he lost. It is comforting for him to have a lightsaber hanging on his belt, a familiar weight on his hip that gives him the assurance of security. Not that he needs it, of course, because he is plenty dangerous even without a lightsaber. It is only a weapon, one which merely makes him more of a threat than he already is.

The door behind him opens, and Vader opens his eyes, pulling back from the meditative trance in which he has been for the past many hours. Is it night again, already? It doesn't seem as if it has been that long, but time is a blur for him now. It would hardly be the first that he's lost track of the passage of time while drifting in the passage of the Force.

"Master," he murmurs, rising gracefully to his feet and turning towards the Sith.

"You are doing well," hums Sidious, looking at him appraisingly. Vader can feel his master probing at him through the Force, assessing him. "You are growing so much stronger, just as I had foreseen."

He feels a flicker of anxiousness, a desire to ask if it's time yet, if he's strong enough yet to try and bring back his mother, but he quells it. He will be patient. He will wait until his master tells him he's ready. These things can't be rushed, and besides, Vader has very little desire to annoy Sidious by asking.

"Thank you, my Master," he replies instead, daring to meet Sidious' glowing yellow eyes for a moment before looking down at the floor again.

"I came earlier," the Sith Master tells him, "Because I wished to speak with you about Dooku before our training session tonight."

Vader feels the faintest prickle of unease; he dislikes it when Sidious changes their routine, making it harder for him to anticipate anything. Perhaps his place is here, at least for now, but he does not have to like the fear of what Sidious could do to him. He has to trust that his master does have a reason for what he does aside from mere sadism, or else, he won't be able to trust that Sidious really spoke the truth about bringing back his Mom.

And he did. He did speak the truth. Vader sensed it.

"I know he is continuing to plan treason," Sidious continues. "What do you know of his plans? What did he tell you?"

Vader's heart lurches uncomfortably in his chest at the question, and not only because his master is asking him to betray Dooku.

As if sensing his hesitation, the Sith reaches out, patting Vader's shoulder in a manner that is probably supposed to be considered soothing. "I know it will not be easy for you to divulge what Dooku has told you," he comforts, "But you must do it for the good of everyone. Should his plans come to fruition, not only would it mean the downfall of the Sith, but also, it would mean that the Jedi will win this war. How do you ever expect to live freely if the Jedi rule the galaxy? They will hunt you down. They will do whatever they must to destroy you, no matter what it takes, even if it means hurting those Jedi you care for."

Ahsoka isn't a Jedi, Vader wants to protest, but he knows that Sidious is right. No Jedi can ever be a true Sith, and he cannot ever imagine her falling to the depths that he himself has. She has learned a Jedi's restraint, and that is both a good and bad thing. And more than that, his master is right. If the Jedi win, if Dooku wins, then what will that mean for Vader? For his family?

"Do you understand now?" Sidious murmurs. "A life on the run, in hiding, is no life at all, and my boy, you are glorious. You were always made to be a leader, to rule at my side." He lays two fingers on Vader's chin, lifting it so that their eyes meet. "Do you want that? The power of the Empire, of all the Sith, at your beck and call, while you are free to live openly as the person you have chosen to be."

Vader blinks, feeling a little dazed at the prospect of it, of being the second most powerful person in the galaxy. He doesn't want power, per se, but he wants to be able to protect his family. What better way is there? … Right? If he follows Dooku, that would mean war. It would mean loss. And he cannot trust Sidious, cannot trust that his master will really grant him the chance for a family, but… if he does? If he will? It will be easier to follow him when he has already spent so much time building and planning. Helping him slot the remaining pieces into place would be so easy. It would be easy, and he wouldn't have to fear going up against one of the most powerful and dangerous Sith Lords to walk the face of the galaxy.

"I am yours, Master," he whispers shakily, trying not to think about Padme, trying not to think about the last time he uttered these words – it was when he and Padme were engaged. He had gone down to his knees in front of her and asked her, heart hammering in his throat, if she would want to marry him, would want to spend the rest of her life at his side. She said yes, and they had sworn that, from that day forwards, they would belong to each other.

Sidious smiles, satisfied, and maybe a little smug, and he doesn't stop Vader from sensing those feelings through their bond. "Then tell me what you know of Dooku's plans," he requests, stepping back and folding his hands together, waiting expectantly. "Only with your help can we endure his treacherous plot."

He nods, understanding, thinking back to the many conversations which he has had with Dooku about the future. And then, only then, does he realize that… he actually knows very little of the specifics which Dooku intends to employ to overthrow Sidious. He knows what Dooku wants for the future, but how he plans to get there? He knows very little. Dooku never shared it with him, or maybe it was that he didn't ask. Or maybe, a quiet, dark voice whispers in the back of his head, He didn't trust you with them.

"Dooku has been working on getting CIS Senators and political figures who are loyal to only him," Vader begins, relating what he knows. "He has been trying to get military officials on his side as well. I do not know what he plans to do to eliminate you, Master. He never told me, and I…" He hesitates, feeling embarrassed, "I did not pay as much attention as I should have. I was too focused on freeing my mother."

"Had I known that was what held you back," Sidious replies kindly, "I would have done it a long time ago. These miscommunications between us have led to so many unfortunate consequences. Perhaps this is what Dooku's plan was."

Vader frowns at that. "Master?"

"It is simple," Sidious explains patiently. "Dooku has been trying to turn you against me. He thought that I would be so distracted by you that I would not notice whatever it is that he has planned." He chuckles, darkly. "He would not have been wrong. Fortunately, we have rectified that. He will probably be getting desperate, and I – it pains me very much to say this, but Dooku may well think that, because you have joined me, you must be killed."

He flinches back at that, shock and horror flooding him. "No," Vader protests instantly, and not even the threat of punishment for contradicting his master is enough to stop the words from pouring out. "No, you're wrong. You have to be. Dooku wouldn't – he wouldn't. Master, he cares about me. He wouldn't do that." He knows that he's practically begging Sidious to contradict himself, to assure him, and he hates it. He hates it, but he doesn't know what else to do, because surely, if Dooku would really – if he could really –

Sidious' face is filled with naught but sympathy, and he grasps Vader's shoulder. "I am sorry."

The world feels like it's shattering around him as he frantically denies the meaning of the Sith Master's words. It's not – he can't – Dooku wouldn't –

"You cannot forget," Sidious continues, "That Dooku was a Jedi. They are taught the mindset of doing things for the greater good. My boy, if Dooku believes that killing me is for the greater good, he will stop at nothing to achieve that end goal."

Vader's trembling, and he can't stop it, no matter how much he dislikes showing such a weakness to Sidious, because – because he's right. He doesn't know how many times Dooku has told him that something is 'for the greater good.' And – and –

Sidious is right, isn't he? Right about everything.

"I can't," he chokes out, shaking his head, unsure what it is that he's even saying. "I can't." I can't believe that, perhaps. Or maybe, I can't accept that Dooku would kill me.

He hardly registers it as Sidious guides him from the room and towards the small living space in which Vader has been staying in, pushing him onto a bench along one of the walls and hovering next to him, hand on his shoulder. Vader leans forwards, scrubbing his hands over his face, reaching up and tugging on his curls, struggling to bring himself back under control. He desperately wants to find comfort from someone; he wishes he could find solace in someone's arms, preferably his mother's… or Obi-Wan's, no matter how much he knows that he ought to be stronger than that since he isn't a child anymore.

"I did not intend to distress you," Sidious says, his voice silky soft, dripping with a concern that Vader can't trust in the least. He can't trust any of this in the least, but – but… ever since he came here, ever since he chose Sidious, the Sith has been strangely… nice. He doesn't want to trust it, but more and more, he's finding that he's beginning to question his distrust towards the Sith Master and wonder if it's really unfounded, if it's really because of Dooku instead of something based on reality.

But… he remembers the way Sidious treated him, the brutality of it all, the torture. It's burned into his mind, and he doubts he could ever forget it. And yet. And yet –

He's confused. He doesn't understand. Anything. Any of this. He's tired of thinking about it, of trying to unravel the mind games that are undoubtedly being played. It's becoming harder and harder to remind himself that Sidious is only using him, that he doesn't care for him at all. Vader questions everything that he once thought to be true.

"It is clear to me that Dooku did not trust you," the Sith adds. "He knew, as I did, that you would come to see through his manipulations and return to my side where you belong."

Vader nods, obediently, blindly, because it makes sense. It makes sense even if it shouldn't, and he doesn't know anything anymore. It is – whatever his master says, it must have truth in it. It feels like the truth to him. The Force has never lied to him in the past, and it is not telling him that Sidious is lying.

And that means…

It's not something he cares to explore.

Because maybe Sidious may believe a lie or may be making erroneous assumptions, but if he's not… if he's not –

"What will – what will we do now, Master?" Vader asks, shakily, sitting upright. Sidious squeezes his shoulder before pulling back, perhaps sensing that Vader finds the touch very unwelcome and foreign.

"I will act on the information that you have shared with me," his master tells him, "And you will continue your training. Soon, very soon, you will be ready to take on missions again." He pauses, and it's a thoughtful silence. "If you should encounter Dooku, will you be able to face him with a clear mind?"

Vader's breath catches in his chest, and he swallows, hard. "No," he admits, staring down at the tile floor, tracing the patterns with his eyes. "No. I – I could not… I do not think I could face him, much less… kill him."

Sidious tuts, disapproving, but clearly unsurprised. "I expected as much. I will not ask you to do something that you're not ready for."

He bows his head. "Thank you, Master," he murmurs.

Somewhere inside of him, he's screaming silently, still trying to deny the truth of Sidious' words. The thought of seeing Dooku again, of seeing the Count's disapproval, or worse, his cold aloofness, makes him freeze. It makes him sick. Even facing Obi-Wan won't be as hard, though it will hurt, because from Obi-Wan, Vader expects disapproval, but he also expects understanding. He expects that the once-Jedi will still accept him, that he won't reject him. But Dooku… he doesn't know. He doesn't know. He doesn't want to know, doesn't want to think about his mentor trying to kill him.

Sidious snaps his fingers suddenly, and Vader jumps at the unexpected sound. "I need you focused for the training tonight," he scolds. From his tone, Vader can vividly picture the disapproving frown on his face. "Push past your conflict, Vader. Use it. If you continue progressing as you have been, in two weeks' time, you will be able to go to Nal Hutta to take out the Hutt Council there. I want you to collapse the alliance between the CIS and the Hutts. I'm confident in your ability to succeed. I know how you feel about the Hutts."

"I understand, my Master," he rasps out, swiping at his face and wiping away the few tears that he didn't notice shedding. He lets the Dark Side trickle through his heart, through the chaos in his mind, washing it all away and replacing the pain and confusion with anger and hatred. He cannot afford to have any doubts now, not when he's so close to succeeding, to making Sidious proud, to being able to go on a mission again.

No matter how intensive his training has been, he still misses being in the action, and he has long harbored a certain kind of anger with the Hutts, for obvious reasons. Destroying them will be a pleasure, something he will relish in. It is one thing that he will never be able to regret. They are loathsome creatures, corrupt and evil slavers through and through. Destroying them would be his greatest honor.

Once, Vader dreamed of Dooku being the one to free him, the one who would save him if Obi-Wan couldn't. But that was the dream of a naïve child, a boy who never truly learned that he could only rely on himself, that there would never be a savior who would come for him, that he was forever on his own, at the mercy of those around him. He was a boy who had never learned the meaning of the word freedom. He was Anakin Skywalker.

And Vader is… He is Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith. He is more now than he ever was as Anakin. He is wiser now, harder, darker maybe, but also less vulnerable. Stronger. He is Anakin who has been reforged by loss and death.

He cannot trust Dooku. He never could.

He cannot trust Sidious either.

Both are powerful men, men who want him first and foremost for his power.

But that is fine. He is not dependent on them, on their mercy. He is the son of the Force, and through the Force – the Dark Side – he has been freed, or he soon will be. Victory, and the breaking of his chains, will come with his mother's return. It will come when he becomes the Emperor's right hand. If he is destined to serve someone, it will be a servitude of his own choice. If he chooses his chains, he can also choose to break them.

He knows that.

And Sidious knows that, too.

In time, Vader will deal with the truths about Dooku he has long ignored. He will deal with the numbing, gutting certainty that the man he always looked up to as a child will be out for his blood. But for now, he will train. He will prepare. He will show his chosen master that he is ready. And then, he will go out and show the Hutts that they cannot forever live in luxury and escape the inevitable consequences of subjugating other beings.

He is Darth Vader, and he is Death.

Final Notes: If you want to join our Discord to receive updates or just hang out, here's the invite link, and please delete the spaces! :) discord . gg / nqSxuz2

You can find us on tumblr at fanfictasia (which is our more serious blog which does have controversial posts on it; I won't be offended if you choose to block it, promise), and disastertriowriting (which is our fun blog with crack posts or incorrect SW quotes; we also advertise our SW gift exchanges on there)

And! We have a YT channel for tributes! Please delete the spaces in the link. :D youtube channel / UC_g1M5rSCxJUzQCRS29B6pA

Finally, if you're interested, you can submit a SW gift fic request via the following form (delete the spaces): forms . gle / rmXWtRomMMaULuPa6