5

Little Toy Bikers and a Woman on the Run

Chapter 160 Replay

After Tara apologized for the way she broke the news of Bela's death before revealing he wasn't the father, Jax hoped that would end the relationship conversation, but if this version of Tara were anything like the teenage Tara, they were just getting started.

"I made mistakes," Tara said softly. "You forgave me."

"There's a difference between mistakes and what you did. You cheated on me and made sure I caught you. You did it to hurt me," Jax kept his voice level and his anger in check.

He was working on being less hot tempered and impulsive. When he led SAMCRO, he needed to make calm, rational decisions. He saw how Clay let his temper get the best of him and how that could have disastrous consequences for the club.

"We would have been happy again," Tara insisted, "if you had just come with me."

Tara was testing his resolve to remain calm. His grip on his temper was starting to slip. This was the same Tara from ten years ago. Nothing much had changed including her inability to face the truth. Their relationship failed because they had problems they couldn't fix.

"When we met, you knew almost from the beginning that I was going to join SAMCRO and one day I would be its president. If I left Charming, how was I supposed to do that?"

Tara shifted uneasily on the couch and drank some beer.

"You could have joined another charter for a few years," she said after a long pause.

"And why would I do that?"

"To save us."

Unfuckingbelievable. This version of Tara was as delusional as the teen version. After everything they had said over a decade ago, she still didn't get why their relationship failed. How could someone who was supposed to be smart not get it? Maybe women were just blind to certain truths.

"We were over," Jax said. "If I left Charming, I would still have had to deal with your crazy jealousy and all the other problems we had."

"You were always flirting with other girls."

"I've been flirting with girls since I was in an infant carrier. Gemma told me I'd look at women and smile at them even then. It's who I am. I never cheated on you. I never even kissed another girl when we were together."

"I only cheated because I thought you were going to cheat. I kept telling you how your flirting with other girls made me feel. The only way for you to know how I felt was for me to cheat."

The anger and heartache came back vividly. He felt like he was nineteen again having this argument with Tara. This was what he didn't want to happen. There was no point in reliving their relationship problems. It had been useless then and it was even more useless now. They had no relationship to try to save.

"Does that still make sense to you?" Jax asked raising his voice.

"No, not really," she said with a sigh. "I was a little crazy when I was a teenager. OK. Sometimes, I was a lot crazy."

"Tara, there is no point in replaying this. We were young and it was our first relationship. Neither of us was perfect. Our relationship was far from perfect. You were crazy. I was selfish and not as considerate as I should have been. Analyzing the past doesn't change it. I've learned all the lessons possible from that time in my life. I've moved ahead with my life. You've moved ahead with your life. I'm just surprised you returned to Charming."

"I realized that I wanted to live in a small town again. I miss that sense of community that I had here."

"Uh-huh," Jax said, not bothering to hide the disbelief in his voice. Scarlett had called it. Tara was back for him. She used to always say how much she hated the small town mindset.

"I know. I was surprised too. I'm not the bratty teenager who hated Charming anymore. Part of that hatred was because I thought if I could get you to leave with me, we could fix us."

This also felt familiar; this endless loop of conversation. It never went anywhere. Nothing was ever fixed. Problems were never solved. Ten years and it was just more of the same old shit. He was back in relationship hell, each of them saying the same things to each other over and over again.

"I can't believe that after all these years, you still are holding on to this fantasy that all we needed to do to be happy was get out of Charming. I've told you that we would still have been the same people—just in a different place. You were so damned insecure about everything; it drove me crazy."

"You were always flirting with other girls."

"That was part of your craziness. You were always accusing me of things I hadn't done. You thought if we moved away, you would have me all to yourself. You couldn't get it into your brain that you already had me to yourself."

"I had to leave to go to school."

"That's why everyone thinks we broke up, but we know the truth. You could have gone to school and we could have stayed together. We could have seen each other on weekends and talked on the phone. You didn't want to do that because you didn't trust me to be faithful despite the fact I never cheated on you," Jax raised his voice in frustration.

He didn't know how to help her feel more secure back then or now for that matter. If he looked at a cashier when he was paying for gas, she would question him about it. After awhile, her constant jealousy began to erode his love for her. And then she cheated.

Her father was gone on a trip to Seattle with his girlfriend of the moment. He was supposed to come to her house that night at nine. She'd left the front door unlocked for him. It seemed odd at the time.

John a teaching assistant from her community college chemistry class was halfway dressed when Jax found them. Tara was naked, clutching the sheet to her breasts. The fight had been too brief. He got in less than a half dozen punches before John grabbed his shirt and ran out the front door, slamming the door behind him.

He did forgive her for cheating, but he couldn't forgive her for the cold way she plotted everything so he'd find her. His trust in her was gone.

"I see now that my plan to show you how I felt by cheating was stupid. I don't know why I didn't see it then. Teen girl craziness, I guess. I am really sorry for the way I treated you."

"None of this matters now. It's ancient history."

"I know. If I hadn't cheated, do you think we would still be together?"

At the best of times, they had a strong, close bond. For the last few months of their relationship, they were out of sync. It just felt like they didn't fit together anymore and he didn't know how to fix it or if it were even possible to fix it.

"It was a high school romance that had run its course. We were at different places in life at the end. I wanted to go out with the guys. You wanted to study and you wanted me to be with you while you did it."

There was a time when he wanted to spend every minute of every day and night with Tara. At the end, spending time with her felt more like punishment.

"I was selfish too. I really wish things would have ended differently."

This conversation was never going to end. It felt like it had been going on for half his lifetime.

"We could have been kinder to each other," Jax said.

Tara finished her beer and tugged nervously at her hair. Jax recognized the hair tugging. It used to mean she was going to say something he didn't want to hear.

"I'm in Charming now," Tara said slowly. "We're kind of in the same place in life." Tara took a deep breath of air and looked at Jax. "Do you think there's a chance for us?"

She was holding her breath waiting for his answer.

Author's Note: There is one last round of this relationship conversation and Jax will tell Tara why he really broke up with her.