Hi lovely readers!
Thank you so much for all of the review on the last chapter, it means so much! I can't believe this is my 30th prompt! I'm so glad it's this one and I'm so grateful to every single one of you that have requested and reviewed! Thank you!
I was so happy when I saw that this prompt had been requested as I had been wanting to write something like this for a while. This prompt was requested by 11xy15 and hopefully this also covers what fluffyreadsnow wanted too (please say if it isn't). Although sad, I loved writing this one so thank you so much for requesting
** this does contain a miscarriage and talk of loss **
I hope you all like this one!
Every single one of her senses felt heightened. The wheels turning on the trolley that was being pushed down the hallway, despite it being far away she swore she could hear the gentle spin. The smell of disinfectant and bleach made her nose crinkle, the tiniest bit of light breaking through into the dimly lit room caused her eyes to crease at the corners. Her fingers looped around the hand that was tightly grasping onto hers, silently telling him to never let go. Even though her body felt numb, she still could feel so much.
"I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat."
Suddenly, everything around her stopped and she was back in the moment, back to reality with a bang and all that surrounded her now was silence. Deafening, earth shattering silence. She never realised that just a few words could cause someone so much emotional pain and heartbreak, yet as the words sunk in, they did just that.
The sob that left her body was one she didn't recognise, the sound was so unfamiliar she could barely believe it came from her. Immediately, tears were pouring down her face and she could feel her body shuddering as she cried.
Deep down, she knew this was what had been happening. It had all started mid morning. The day began as it always had, their usual 7am alarms waking them from their peaceful slumber. Shivering during her cold morning shower in a bid to wake up and then there was the breakfast. The breakfast that since discovering his wife was pregnant, Sheldon had been insistent on preparing for her. Today was fresh fruit and pastries.
Just four weeks ago when she had finally been greeted by the two lines on her pregnancy test after almost a whole year of trying, Sheldon changed. He suddenly became very aware of the fact he was going to be a father and very aware of the fact that Amy was carrying their offspring. He needed to take care of her, needed to ensure she was eating the right things and taking it easy, resting whenever possible. He was adorable and attentive and Amy didn't know it was possible but she found herself falling in love with him all over again.
This morning she couldn't quite stomach breakfast and settled for idly pulling apart and nibbling on the tiniest croissant she could find. Her morning sickness came in fits and starts, one day she would be absolutely fine and then the next she could spend the first hour of her morning hanging over the toilet bowl. Sheldon was always there though, on hand to hold back her hair, rub her back or offer her a glass of water. He never liked leaving her when she was in that state.
"Could you try again?" Sheldon asked, his voice wavering as his heart sunk. It was only then that Amy became aware of his presence, the tight grip on her hand.
"I really am so sorry"
Amy knew. She knew what it all meant as soon as the first sign appeared. Throughout most of the morning, the dull ache had been constant yet she had been so busy with work, she barely paid any attention to it until she finally stopped. Then came the worst pain of all, sharp, stabbing pains in her side, a pain that she simply couldn't ignore.
After trying to call Sheldon and failing, she set off down the university hallway to try and find him. By now, she was pale and feeling dizzy and sick. Thankfully, after barely any steps at all, she bumped into Raj who could instantly see that something was wrong and led her back to her lab. In her panic, she revealed all about the baby, the baby she and Sheldon had been keeping their little secret until they were sure everything was okay, until they had reached that twelve week mark which for them was just five days away. Just five days.
Somehow, he was able to keep her calm and constantly reassured her. When Amy told him yet again that she needed Sheldon, he suggested calling Leonard who just so happened to pick up his phone right away and be right by Sheldon's side. Her heart broke even more when Sheldon ran into the lab, when she looked into his eyes and saw the realisation hit him just like it did her when the first pain started. It was heartbreaking and the confirmation of their thoughts were made worse when she started bleeding.
"Sheldon, it hurts" Amy had whimpered on their journey to the hospital. Having to watch the love of his life, one of the strongest people he knew wither in pain in the passenger seat with her arms tightly wrapped around her middle, doing all that she could to keep their baby safe broke his heart more than he ever thought was possible.
He had never known himself to drive so fast. To say he was a law abiding citizen, he broke every traffic law that afternoon, desperate to get Amy to the hospital. Desperate to make sure she and their baby were okay.
"I know this is a really difficult time" the voice was so gentle and calming, Amy thought that if she had been in a better state of mind she could have lulled her to sleep. "I'll leave you two alone to process the news and come back to check on you soon. If you need anything at all, please just give us a shout" she felt the midwife gently rest her hand on top of hers, for a moment it was reassuring and comforting and then seconds later it was gone and all that she felt was a coldness in its presence.
Amy wasn't sure she wanted to be left alone, she didn't know what she was going to say to Sheldon, she didn't even know if she could speak. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel but all she knew was that she had never felt a pain like this. Never felt a physical or emotional pain like it, it was as if someone had ripped her heart out and shattered it to a million pieces. Their whole future together, the tiny life that they had so many hopes and dreams pinned to was suddenly gone.
Rolling on to her side, turning to face Sheldon, she could barely bring herself to look at him. The tears were blurring her vision so much, all she could make out was his outline. He seemed to be holding her hand tighter, it was about the only thing she could feel amongst the heartache.
"I'm…" Amy started, her whole body shuddering as she took a sobbing breath.
"It's okay, you don't have to speak" Sheldon told her gently as he placed his free hand on her shoulder, he rubbed it affectionately. He wanted to do more, he wanted to do so much more but he was worried that if he opened up he wouldn't ever stop.
"I'm…so…sorry" the words came out in between each sob and Sheldon had to listen carefully to full grasp what she was saying. When he did, he perched himself on the edge of the bed and wrapped her up tightly in his arms. The position for either of them was by no means comfortable but in that moment, he wanted to hold her so tight, squeeze her so tight that every emotion she was feeling, every tiny ounce of pain became his. Despite what he was feeling he wanted to take it all away from her.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. Absolutely nothing" he gently rocked her as she cried against his chest. It was awful, he had never seen her, never seen anyone so broken before. "Absolutely nothing, do you understand?"
—
The car journey home was filled with a tense, unbearable silence. Normally, Amy and Sheldon were the couple that could sit for hours in a comfortable, blissful silence, simply happy that they were in the others company. Now was so different, Sheldon was sure he'd never experienced anything like this before, he was desperate to say anything, to say something to fill the void but he simply couldn't find the words. What did he say? What could he say?
"Tea?" Sheldon asked as he pushed open the door to the apartment. The apartment that they were both in this morning, still pregnant, still full of hope and excitement. Tea always made situations better but even he knew that tea couldn't help with this, he wasn't sure whether anything ever would.
Amy shook her head, her hands sunk deep into the pockets of her long, grey cardigan. She was pale, her body suddenly seemed so small and fragile, like if a gentle breeze seeped through the window, she would fall over and break. Her eyes were still red and bloodshot from all of the crying, if Sheldon looked close enough he could see that there were still tears on her cheeks, falling from her eyes.
"I think" she started slowly. "I think I just want to be by myself" it was the first thing she had said since they had left the hospital. Turning away from Sheldon, she made her way to the bedroom, the door was closed behind her before Sheldon even had time to respond. He understood she would need time alone, maybe he needed that too, maybe it would do them both some good.
After making himself some tea, he made his way over to the couch. He wasn't sure how long he had been making tea, it felt like just a few minutes but when he saw the time on his phone he realised it had been much longer. He figured, without realising, he must have zoned out for a considerable amount of time, his mind and body too focused on other things to concentrate on tea making.
As his screen flashed, he saw various notifications of missed calls and texts mainly from Raj, Leonard and Penny. He thought back on the conversations he and Amy had had about how they would tell their group of friends she was pregnant. Amy was full of all these wonderful, amazing ideas but for now they would be ideas that would never be because now their friends knew about their baby for all the wrong reasons. There was nothing to celebrate, nothing to become excited about.
It was inevitable that Leonard would tell Penny, Sheldon wasn't angry about that but he didn't know how he would cope seeing her. He especially didn't know how it would make Amy feel to see her. She was currently eight months pregnant, their baby boy being due in a matter of weeks. She had what they wanted, she had what could have been and really soon she was going to have a real little human that would be a constant reminder of what Amy and Sheldon were yet to have.
He let his body sink down into the couch, although he was tired, physically and emotionally drained, he didn't want to close his eyes. He didn't want to think. Instead, he found himself flicking through his phone, trawling through the app, his thumb hovering over one in particular that caused a lump to form in his throat.
Although he knew it was probably necessary at some point, he couldn't bring himself to delete it just yet. To delete the app that told him all about their baby. He had downloaded it a few weeks ago with the intention of informing Amy all about their baby's growth and development as her pregnancy progressed. Just last night he noted that their baby was now the size of a passion fruit, how could something so small and tiny affect them both so much. Before he knew it, with the absence of Amy, he found himself crying.
—
When Amy opened her eyes, she saw it was still dark, glancing at the time she could see it was the early hours of the morning. Without realising, her hand had instinctively fallen to rest against her stomach whilst she was sleeping, she used to love knowing that just beneath her palm was a tiny, little person growing, now there was just nothing and yet she still craved to know they were still there.
She really didn't know how she had managed to fall asleep, she couldn't quite pinpoint when it happened. All that she knew for sure was that she had cried herself to sleep. Carefully, she sat herself up in bed, she was hungry and thirsty and knew that now she was awake and her mind was in overdrive that it would be impossible to return to her sleep like state anytime soon.
It was only once she was sat up, that she noticed the space next to her, the space where he should have been was cold and empty. Why hadn't he come to bed last night? Did he not want to be around her? Had she really shut him out that much? She sighed, running her fingers through her hair as she pulled herself up from the bed. The winter months were drawing in and the chill in the air left her reaching for her dressing gown.
Carefully, she padded across the bedroom, quietly opening the door that led to the living room. The room was engulfed in darkness however, the moon was big and bright tonight and from where it was positioned in the sky, it illuminated their home, she found this strangely poignant. Her heart ached when she saw him lying there, his tall frame sprawled out on their couch, his feet dangling off of the edge. She found herself getting lost watching him, he somehow seemed rather child like as he slept, his eyes gently closed as his eyelashes fluttered. He looked so peaceful and she wondered whether just her, he too had cried himself to sleep.
Making her way over to him, she carefully pulled out the blanket that was draped over the back of the couch and gently rested it upon him. Even though, he was fully clothed, she hated the thought of him being cold. She lowered herself to his level and placed a gentle kiss to his forehead.
"I love you" she whispered. Suddenly, she was crying again. Crying for everything they had lost. It hurt her heart more than she could ever imagine to know that he was hurting just as much as she was. All she wanted was to make him a dad. In the last few weeks he had been so happy, the happiest she had ever seen him. Sure, he was scared, who wouldn't be, but he was so willing to be the best he could be for their little baby.
As he stirred gently under her touch, Amy decided to pull away. The last thing she wanted was to wake him, they both needed to sleep. She made her way across to the fridge where she pulled out a bottle of water and after one quick glance at Sheldon, she headed back to bed.
—
Sheldon woke the next morning to the sound of gentle tapping, the rattle of something he couldn't quite place against a hard surface. For a split second, he swore he incorporated the sound into his dream but before he knew it he was waking up with a start, the blanket Amy had placed over him falling to the floor. He rubbed at his eyes, they still felt wet with tears as he scanned the room for Amy's presence, but like expected he was greeted with nothing, the bedroom door still remained closed.
When his brain eventually woke up and supplied him with the knowledge that the taps he could hear was actually someone knocking at his door, he rose to his feet. Probably a little too quickly as he felt himself start to go a little dizzy. Pulling back the door just a fraction, he noticed Penny standing there, offering him a small, yet sympathetic smile.
"I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now" she completely understood that the last person they needed to see was someone that was heavily pregnant as she was offering up their condolences on a matter they had no comprehension of. "I just couldn't sit across the hallway anymore and not do anything, I just wanted to come over and see how you are." Leonard had kept Penny under control for as long as he could, she was desperate to visit her friends last night and offer a helping hand, she just wanted to be there for them in whatever way possible.
"Amy isn't up for any visitors" he told her, keeping his voice quiet. He had no idea what Amy was doing in the bedroom but if she was still asleep he didn't want to wake her.
"Okay" Penny nodded, Sheldon still hadn't opened the door to her completely, his face remained peeking through the tiny gap he created. "And what about you?" she asked gently. The question threw him and left him scrambling for an answer, no one had asked him how he was feeling. Since leaving the hospital, he had barely spoken to anyone, let alone had an in depth conversation. It caused all sorts of emotions, that he didn't know how to deal with to rise to the surface again.
"I'm okay" he managed to get his words out but the woman that stood before him who had known him for the best part of ten years and had watched him grow into the man he was today, simply wasn't buying it.
"Can I come in Sheldon?" she asked gently, she was being soft and mothering and really right now that's what he felt like he needed. Sighing, Sheldon stood back and fully opened the door for her fo step inside.
He looked her up and down. Of course, he had noticed her stomach growing over the last few months but seeing her now after everything they had been through felt odd. He couldn't quite imagine such a large bump on Amy's tiny frame. Maybe he never would see what that looked like.
"I think Amy might still be asleep so we'll have to be quiet" he explained as he tried to piece the couch back together, rearranging the cushions and tossing the blanket to one side so that there was space to sit down.
"Did you sleep here last night?" Penny asked, gingerly lowering herself onto the couch in the small space that Sheldon had created. Moving right now in any capacity was proving to be very difficult for her.
"Yes" he continued to move the cushions but Penny could see this was a distraction to avoid talking to her. "When we returned from the hospital, Amy told me she needed time by herself. It wasn't my intention to stay out here but I guess I just drifted off," he perched his body onto the arm of the sofa.
"So I'm guessing you haven't really spoken about what happened?" she asked.
Sheldon shook his head. "When we found out at the hospital, she kept apologising. Even though, I kept telling her she had nothing to be sorry for, I think she feels responsible," he explained. He could feel the tears starting to sting his eyes as he was forced to go back and relive yesterday, every single horrible emotion he felt suddenly seemed like he was experiencing it again for the very first time.
"Sheldon, I'm so sorry" Penny reached across and gently placed her hand on his knee, normally he would recoil from this type of contact but right now he found it comforting.
"She was so broken Penny, I've never seen her like that before. She was sobbing and when I held her she was shaking so much and I couldn't do anything to make her feel better. I still don't know what I can do to make her feel better," the tears that were forming in his eyes had now started to trickle down his cheeks.
"I know this might sound like a really cliched response but having you there to hold her would have really helped" he felt her squeeze his knee as she spoke. "But you know, it's really hard to help a hurt person when you're hurting so much yourself." Even though Sheldon had told her that he was okay and that right now most of his upset stemmed from seeing Amy so upset, Penny knew it was much deeper than that. Naturally, he was hurting too.
"I'm okay" he told her again, harshly wiping his cheeks to rid them of tears.
"Sweetie" it was her soft, I don't believe you voice. "It's okay to be sad and to say you're upset because of what happened" she explained.
"I don't want to talk about what happened though" he was crying as little harder this time, his shoulders shaking. "Because, acknowledging it makes it real and I really don't want it to be real" Penny could feel the tears stinging at her eyes now too, seeing him like this was awful.
"Oh darling" as best as she could she shuffled closer to him as he moved his body from the arm of the couch to the space next to Penny. He welcomed her embrace and allowed his head to flop onto her shoulder as he let the tears fall down his cheeks. "Promise me you'll talk to Amy, you both need each other. Please just talk to her," she urged, turning to place a gentle kiss on his head.
—
It was an hour or so later when Amy emerged from the bedroom. She had heard snippets of Sheldon's conversation with Penny and realised that she was right, they needed to talk, no matter how hard it was they needed each other and they definitely couldn't go on like this. It hadn't even been twenty four hours yet and she already missed having Sheldon around.
As soon as he heard the door opening, Sheldon whipped his head round to see Amy stood there. She still looked fragile and small but it seemed like sleeping had done her some good.
"Hi" she was the first one to speak.
"Oh, I'm so glad you're awake. I've been desperate for a shower" he told her rising to his feet. She knew what he was doing, trying avoid the topic of conversation that so desperately needed to be spoken about.
"Could we maybe talk first?" she asked. She knew, no matter how much it hurt, that she had to be the one to make the first move on this. Sheldon would bottle up his feelings and not talk about anything otherwise.
"Okay" he nodded, swallowing hard as he lowered himself down to the couch.
"We have to talk about yesterday" she explained as she moved to sit down next to him. It felt nice just being close to him again.
"I know" he nodded. "I'm sorry I didn't make more of an effort to talk to you yesterday, I was just worried of saying or doing the wrong thing. I didn't want to upset you even more." He was never good with words in the best of situations and right now, he had no idea what to say.
"It's okay" she nodded. "I shouldn't have pushed you away as soon as we got home. I just really wanted to be alone" she explained, she wondered how different things would be, how different things would feel now if they had just talked to each other yesterday. "I'm so sorry Sheldon" she felt her bottom lip trembling and the tears starting to fall from her eyes rather quickly.
"Hey, you don't have anything to be sorry for" he moved closer to her and draped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close to his chest.
"I just keep thinking was it me? Did I do something wrong? They were a part of me and I couldn't keep them safe" she sobbed and she felt Sheldon squeeze her tighter. She knew that the thoughts that had been going round her head all night were completely irrational but that's exactly how she felt. She felt responsible.
"You're not to blame for this Amy. No one is. It's just one of those really horrible things that happen and no one really knows why" his heart was breaking bit by bit, nothing could prepare him for these emotions, not only was he having to cope with losing their baby, seeing Amy grieving was awful.
"It just hurts so much" she'd never coped with loss before, never had to deal with grief. Really, she considered herself lucky that she had made it to her thirties without ever experiencing such a thing.
"I know, I know it does" Sheldon understood, he understood because he too was feeling it all and that realisation alone caused Amy to cry even more. "You know" he sat up straighter and Amy moved away from him, he turned her body to face her and took hold of her hands. "When my dad died, my mum told us all that we were hurting so much because we loved him so much" he found himself trying to keep the tears at bay as he spoke about his dad. "Maybe this is what's happening. Maybe without realising we loved our baby so much and this is why it hurts" he explained. For someone who wasn't great with words, he couldn't have explained what they were going through better.
"I think so too" she nodded her head. "I really did love them so much. It's crazy isn't it? That you can love someone so much that you've never even met," she couldn't quite believe that someone she had only known about for four weeks could make her feel like this.
Sheldon nodded. "I don't think this is going to be easy Amy. Grief kind of comes in waves, one day you think you're absolutely fine and then the next all it takes is for someone to say something that triggers a thought or memory and you're right back to square one" Sheldon explained. "Or at least that's what it's like with my dad" he shrugged, maybe that wasn't what Amy was thinking at all.
"You're going to be such a great dad one day." He would be the most amazing father, she was just sad that that time wouldn't be right now. "Promise me we'll talk, no matter how bad things get, no matter how hard we find things, we'll talk it all out because I really need you Sheldon."
He needed her too. He needed her so much. He couldn't imagine his life without her. Whenever things got bad, whenever he had a tough decision to make or when he had had a rough day at work she was the one person he wanted more than anyone.
"I promise" he nodded.
"We'll be okay, won't we?" Amy asked.
"We'll be okay."
Thank you SO much for reading. As always reviews are always welcome and SO appreciated! I really would love to know your thoughts on this one.
Stay safe
Lots of love.