A/N: A tough chapter for Severus ahead, but at least he's not alone through it all. Life on the reserve isn't all sunshine and rainbows, Lily learns that firsthand in this chapter, Severus too, even.
CW: Euthanasia of an animal, please don't read ahead if that puts you off.
Chapter 4 The Loss of a Friend
In the days and weeks that followed Severus and Lily's home-cooked chicken dinner, nothing of great significance occurred on the reserve as Lily and her children slowly adjusted to their new lives out west. Severus continued to perform his duties as head of the sanctuary, and otherwise continued to ration his time between his Thunderbirds and assisting Lily and her children in adjusting to their unfamiliar surroundings. Meanwhile, Lily commenced work on her spell-crafting project and continued to learn as much as she could about the new environment she and her children called home; all the while continuing to raise Harry and Azalea as best she could. She hadn't had the time to start her driving lessons with Severus just yet, but she was able to accompany him on a few of his excursions out into the forest as he fed, communicated with, and otherwise helped care for his Thunderbirds. She didn't want to admit it to anyone just yet, not even herself, but seeing Severus so nurturing and caring to the birds that called this sanctuary home really was becoming an addiction of her's. Harry and Azalea would always accompany her on her trips out onto the reserve, much to the former's enjoyment and the latter's apprehension. It was quite clear to Lily that Harry enjoyed spending time with the birds and out in the forest more than Azalea did.
Life continued as normal for about two weeks after their home-cooked dinner and Lily's first foray into downtown Flagstaff. She'd gone back a couple times since then with Severus and her children, wanting to see the sights and help her children get acclimatized to their new environment. But on a sweltering, mid-afternoon day in late July, Lily and her children would get their first taste of what action could be like on the reserve. In the three weeks following their arrival, nothing of note really transpired aside from the occasional dust-up between members of the flock—Frank usually saw to those incidents, and the odd case of an injury or a minor illness that could be treated with the medication Severus had on hand. Severus and Lily were sat around the coffee table in the living room, Lily's children upstairs and put down for their afternoon nap. Lily was fanning herself to combat the sweltering heat while reading one of Severus' book on Thunderbird migration habits; Severus on the other hand, was casting a cooling charm. Having successfully cast the charm, Severus moved to sit back down on the sofa beside Lily when a semi-translucent sparrow patronus burst through the paned-glass window.
In the voice of Tyler, one of the rangers, it began to speak; "Severus, I need your help urgently at Randall's Ravine, Grace struck a tree and fell into the ravine…she's not looking good. Broken wing spars, fractured spine, and lacerations on her—"
Severus didn't need to hear anymore. He leapt to his feat and drew his wand. With an angry shout of; "Accio Medical Kit!" said bag came zooming in through the front door and into his free hand.
He pointed his wand downwards at the floor and looked set to apparate when Lily leapt to her feet, the book she'd just been reading discarded and forgotten on the floor.
"Please let me go with you," she said, reaching for his free hand.
Severus nodded curtly. "Hold tight and keep your distance once we get there, wounded thunderbirds—"
"—Have less control over their electrical impulses than normal, I know, I've read it in one of the books you lent to me." She offered up a small smile with her words.
Severus blinked in surprise, but then refocused on his destination. He pulled Lily close to his side, and gripped her hand tightly in his free hand. Focusing on the bottom of the ravine, he twirled his wand, apparating them to where the injured thunderbird was.
The ravine they were in wasn't all that deep, only about twenty feet below the surrounding land, but the base of the ravine was filled with rocks and stone, a small stream running along the length of the base. They quickly gathered their bearings, re-orienting themselves in their new surroundings. It didn't take long for the pair of them to quickly realize that something was very wrong; the stream—which was usually crystalline-clear, was now tinged a deep crimson, the air held a coppery scent to it that could only mean one thing. Severus turned to look up ravine first, Lily following her friend's gaze soon after, and they saw, as clear as day, the root cause of the reddened river and coppery scent. About a hundred feet away from them along the base of the ravine, a wounded thunderbird laid sprawled out on her side, her head lolling against the rocks, three pairs of askew and all out of sorts, the gashes running up and down her flank bleeding profusely—tainting the stream red. The wounded bird released a groan of distress as the ranger by her side—Tyler, attempted to stem the trickle of crimson from her wounds, but the lacerations were too deep and the blood kept flowing.
Severus tossed Lily a pair of shrunken rubber gloves and boots, which she promptly enlarged and donned without need for prompting. Severus did the same, and the two took off along the ravine towards the bird's side. Tyler was down on one knee by Grace's flank, frantically waving his wand over the three large gashes oozing blood, but his healing skills were rudimentary at best and Grace was loosing far too much, too quickly.
"Tyler," Severus said, placing his hand on the ranger's shoulder. "You've done admirably. Let me take it from here."
Tyler glanced up at the severe expression of his boss and nodded quickly, his eyes briefly darting to Lily, too, the surprise registering on his face to see her there as well. Lily had never met Tyler before, not in person, and was shocked to see the youth on his face. The boy couldn't have been more than eighteen or nineteen years old.
"You got it boss," Tyler said, his long, sandy blonde hair flopping about as he nodded fervently.
Severus took Tyler's place by Grace's flank and resumed his work, trying his best to knit the gashes back together with a suturing spell he invented back in school, Vulnera Sanentur.
"Go," Severus said gruffly, not turning away from his work as he continued to wave his wand over Grace's wounds. "Return to your duties Tyler and…thank you for the work you've done so far."
Tyler looked hesitant, but Severus couldn't see it as he was still kneeling next to Grace and had his back turned to the young ranger. "Are you sure you don't—"
"No," Severus said sternly.
Tyler needed no further prompting, he nodded once at Severus, though the recipient of his gesture wouldn't see it; glanced over towards Lily and nodded too, then apparated away.
"Severus…"
"Keep your distance," Severus ordered, gone was his friendly demeanor. It was all business now and there was no mistaking the authority in his tone as he commanded Lily to stay back.
To Lily's utter shock, Severus stopped waving his wand, the wounds only partially closed, and blood still flowed. Grace groaned again, but this it time it was noticeably weaker, and her blue-gray feathers were tinged with even more red than before. Severus picked up the medical kit and got up off his knee to his feet. With the medical kit in hand, he walked over to Grace's head and set the bag down next to the stream. He placed on hand on her crown, the other cupping her lower beak, both hands stroking her plumage as she bled. Removing one hand, he reached into the duffel bag and retrieved a small golfball-sized capsule, deep red in color and marked with a black Z.
"Grace," Severus crooned softly, as he resumed stroking the shuddering bird's head. "Can you open your beak for me? This will only take a moment and you'll be alright, you'll be okay."
Lily was struck dumb by the gentleness of Severus' words, she drew in a shuddering breath, and exhaled just as shakily. She stared in wide-eyed shock at her old friend, acting so…gentle and calming, it was so uncanny. She'd never even seen him acting like this when he was with Harry, or Azalea, or her; yet here he was speaking with such tenderness to this creature. She couldn't help but stop and stare at Severus' kindness.
"Lily, I need you to leave, please. You don't want to be here for what comes next—"
"I'll stay away Sev, I'll keep my distance," Lily said firmly, but also in compliance with Severus' first command from a moment ago. "But I am not leaving you alone."
Severus' fingers tightened around the golfball pill, Lily thought the thing would crack under the pressure he was exerting, but it didn't. "Fine," he said softly. "But stay back."
He glanced over his shoulder at Lily, the sun shining open his old friend's back momentarily blinding him as she nodded fervently.
The sun was too bright so Severus looked back to Grace and held the pill up to her beak, he resumed stroking her feathers. "There's a good girl, I just need you to eat this, Grace, and all will be well. Do you understand?"
Grace's stormy-grey eyes darted to Severus with surprising sharpness and swiftness, but the sparkle and lightning that usually crackled about within any thunderbird's irises was quickly fading, the electricity leaving her body along with the blood that drenched the stream. Grace eyed the pill with worry, but eventually gave a low croon of approval, it also sounded of defeat and despair that not just Severus, but Lily could hear.
"Open up for me," Severus said, gently parting Grace's beak. Grace whined in pain and discomfort, but opened her beak just wide enough for Severus to slip the pill in. She swallowed without the need to be asked.
The pill acted with remarkable quickness, Grace's shuddering body rapidly began to still— her wings no longer twitching, and her tail ceased thumping the ground; the fading crackles of lightning that had been rippling across her coat now died a swift death. Her eyes stared directly at Severus' as Grace fought to maintain her sight and cognizance as long as possible as the pill took effect. Severus kept stroking Grace's lower beak and the crown of her head, not removing his eyes from Grace's even for a second. He watched the lightning fade, but he didn't flinch or look away, it was the least he could do to lend his dying bird some comfort as she drew her last, raspy breaths. He owed her that at least. Severus pushed down his grief and rallied his compassion as he saw the light leave her eyes, and she drew her final breath. Her eyelids closed, her body stopped twitching, her chest rose, then fell, and ceased to move again.
"I'm sorry Grace," Severus murmured, stroking her plumage one more time as death enveloped the thunderbird in her cold embrace. "I'm sorry."
There were tears in his eyes, and he knew he couldn't face Lily, not like this, so he kept his back turned towards his best friend as he said; "Go back to the house, Lily, I have unfinished business here."
He couldn't see it because his back was still turned, but seemed visibly hesitant to listen. "Severus, I'm not leaving you alone to—"
"I said go!" Severus shouted, his words echoing off the walls of the ravine.
Severus shakily got up off his knee and stood to his feet, breathing heavily as he willed his roiling mind to calm. Nothing was working…and he knew he couldn't even think about turning around lest Lily see him in the state he was in, he couldn't have that. He stared down at Grace's unmoving head, she was as dead as a doornail now and Severus felt the tears begin to pool as his vision grew blurry. He waited for the telltale crack of apparation, but to his dismay he didn't hear it—just silence save for his labored breathing and the gentle sloshing of the bloodied stream at his feet. Lily hadn't left. There wasn't any telltale 'crack' of apparation, instead the only noise of significance that met his ears was the sound of boots against stone. It grew louder, and Severus knew she was coming nearer, he briefly contemplated apparating away himself but he couldn't muster the focus in his current state to apparate—not when his heart and mind was so addled with grief and despair. He couldn't leave, and Lily was coming closer, he just knew he had to calm himself and seal away his emotions before she could get to—oh.
He hadn't noticed how close she'd come until her cheek touched against the nape of his neck, and her arms wound around his waist. He initially tensed, and Lily immediately loosened her grip, but she didn't leave, instead she just lent him a little more space. Despite the warmth and sense of calm Lily's touch gave him, Severus shrugged out of her arms and walked several paces away from her to stand next to Grace's limp body. He knelt by her head and lifted it gently off the stones, and then shed his rubber gloves so he could feel the faint crackle of lightning within her. It was usually the last thing to go, upon a thunderbird's death, their lightning still fizzling about long after their hearts stopped beating. Severus took a few more moments to calm himself, ironically, it was the crackling of faint lightning within Grace's still body that allowed him to finally put his mind at peace. With a quick jerk of his arm, he wiped away the tears that blurred his vision and stood to his feet, then turned around. Lily was stood where she had been a few moments ago when she'd hugged him from behind, the knowing look in her green eyes so haunting yet understanding. She'd confronted the prospect of death so much more than he had, and that look in her eyes alone spoke volumes of her understanding and her lack of pity.
The sun shone brightly on her back, lighting her up like a halo and almost blinding Severus, but he didn't pull his gaze away from his old friend. The understanding she so clearly showed on her face, in her eyes, was as much evidence as anyone would need that she knew precisely the thoughts that were running through his mind. She removed her rubber gloves and stuffed them in her trouser pocket, then stepped closer to him and grasped his hands loosely in her own.
"I'm sorry," Lily said quietly, her voice radiating sympathy.
Severus nodded grimly, then pulled his hand away. "I need to seal up this ravine," he said, his gruffness returning to his tone.
"I can help you if you'd—"
"No." The insistency in his voice was far greater than before. "I need to do this alone. I'll talk to you…later, after I'm done here."
For a brief moment, Lily insisted on staying like she had previously, but when he turned his head slightly and looked at her with his piercing eyes, it was enough to convince her to back down and take her leave. "Alright, Sev. I'll go now," she said quietly.
Severus nodded just once, casting Lily a brief look. She offered up a small, but sad smile in response, then apparated away with a pop back to the house. No sooner had Lily apparated back to the house when Severus heard a series of sharp, mournful cries from overhead. He recognized who it was immediately, Frank, with Lysander and Nancy, the three oldest Thunderbirds in the flock. Severus levitated Grace's limp body to the side of the ravine and away from the stream, then looked up into the sky just in time to see three large objects approaching at remarkable speed. Severus took a few steps back from Grace as Frank, followed by Lysander and Nancy swooped down towards him. The three birds pulled out of their death-defying dive at the last moment and landed in the base of the ravine with a loud thud, their strong legs absorbing the impact. Lysander and Nancy stepped forward to inspect the smaller Thunderbird's body, Nancy sniffing about near her head while Lysander inspected the wounds along her flank, then released a sharp cry of despair.
"I'm sorry Frank," Severus said, meeting the flock leader's gaze unflinchingly, but with sympathy. "There was nothing I could do to save her."
Frank nodded in understanding, and, as though he could sense his friend's despair and discomfort, Frank walked closer to Severus and pressed his head into Severus' palm. He released a low croon of mourning, echoing Severus' feelings for the loss of one of the flock. Severus sighed softly but was able to draw comfort from Frank's gesture and sought to return it. He stroked Frank's feathers then nodded towards Grace's cold body, knowing that it was in their nature to dispose of their own dead. Frank withdrew his head from Severus' palm and then turned his attention to his fellow Thunderbirds. He ordered Lysander to lift Grace's body, while Nancy would support the head, and he, the tail. In unison, the three thunderbirds fluffed out their sets of wings and dug their talons into Grace, they all took to the skies together and soared to the eastern side of the range where they'd bury their fallen friend. Severus watched them go as long as he could until they vanished from view. He removed his boots, shrank them, then stuffed them in his pocket, then did the same for the medical kit. Gripping his wand tightly, he spun on the spot and apparated out of the ravine to its edge, where he then began knitting together a protective enchantment to cover the crevice and ensure that Grace's fate would not befall anyone else in the flock.
As he walked along the edge of the ravine, his mind wandered to the series of events that'd just transpired. He'd never had to euthanize one of his flock before, and he'd only seen it done just once before by Mister Whitehall when one of the males broke through the outer enchantments of the sanctuary and crashed into some power lines. This was the first time that he'd done something like this, that he'd been the one to make the decision to end their life, and the guilt that ran through him was unlike anything else he'd ever felt. When his mother had died, he was only eleven years old and a few months into his first year at Hogwarts, he hadn't felt any guilt then because she'd been claimed by an illness he had no power to stop. When Tobias died(his father, not the bird), he'd done so in a laughably predictable manner by tripping down the stairs in his drunken stupor, breaking his neck. But Grace's death struck him more severely than he could've anticipated, for she was the first bird in the entire flock he built a connection with back when he was a brand-new ranger, and she was the first one who he'd truly grown to trust and be comfortable around. And of course, unlike his parents' deaths, he'd been the one to end Grace's life and even now he started second guessing himself that maybe he could've stopped the blood flow in time.
He shook his head, dispelling the thought. Grace had already lost too much blood and was hanging on by a thread when he and Lily had arrived.
It was the right decision, Severus, don't second guess yourself.
Grace'd died by his hand, and Lily had been there to see it. The fact that Lily had been there when he'd been at his weakest and actually crying—albeit with his back turned, over the loss of Grace was damning to him. To his shock, her reaction had been far more muted and…understanding, even, than he'd have anticipated. Then again, she'd fought for five years in a magical war so perhaps death shouldn't be such a foreign concept to her. Lily had reacted with an even balance of stoicism and grief, a stark contrast to Severus feeling much of the latter and none at all of the former. Where had this come from? The Lily he knew back in school was kind, vivacious, and gentle; yet also judgmental, quick-to-anger, and even possessed a sense of haughtiness and righteousness similar to that of some of the purebloods he knew. Yet this Lily, eight years on from that was leaps and bounds more emotionally mature and was able to wrangle her emotions under control enough to be able to comfort him as he cried. She hadn't judged him, nor had she attempted to speak to him until he was able to gather his thoughts and emotions like she'd been able to do so effortlessly; and she'd been cognizant enough to know that a hug from an old friend lent so much more peace and comfort than words ever could hope to.
In all the times he and Lily had discussed her experiences in the war over the phone, she'd always been rather reluctant to talk about it; only divulging that while she did fight when the situation called for it, her main role within the order was that of a healer. Perhaps, it shouldn't have come as so much of a surprise to Severus that she could seemingly handle death far better than he, then. While Severus had been wallowing in his own grief down by the river, Lily was able to manage her's far more swiftly and come to his hand while his head was spinning; then again, it's not like she had that strong of a connection to Grace like he had. Severus wasn't stupid enough to assume that his stewardship of the reserve wouldn't be all sunshine and roses, he knew the day would come when one of his birds would finally kick the bucket; but of all the birds that it could've been to have this accident, it just had to be Grace. It had to be the first thunderbird that he could genuinely call a friend didn't it? Severus kicked at an exposed root and shook his head in frustration, out of all of them…why did it have to be Grace?
After having completed his lap of the ravine and sealing the chasm shut with an enchantment, he apparated back to the farmhouse with a crack. Before entering the house, Severus shed his boots, and then banished the boots, gloves, and the medical kit back to the toolshed. He shut his eyes and inhaled deeply hoping to calm his mind and push his grief to the side for the moment. Knowing Lily was waiting for him inside the house meant he knew he couldn't afford to break down and let his grief show for the death of not just a flock member, but one of the first genuine friends he'd made here. Sighing quietly, he knew he'd have to make his appearance eventually, so he stepped up to the front door and pushed it open. The house was eerily quiet. The only source of noise, that Severus could discern at least, was coming from the sitting room, and sounded an awful lot like the pages of a book being turned. Severus made for the sitting room and paused in the doorframe, to his surprise, Lily's eyes were already lingering on the frame as if in expectance of his arrival. She closed the book in her lap and set it down to the side, then stood from her chair. Her eyes and visage radiated sympathy, but not pity, to his relief.
"Severus," said Lily, wearing a saddened smile. "How are you feeling?"
The sheer sense of—I get what you're feeling, don't bother to hide it from me—in her tone, nearly made him choke on his words. Was there any sense in hiding his grief especially when the person stood across from him was so accustomed to dealing with it herself?
"I'm…feeling a bit better now," Severus said gruffly. He paced into the room and flopped down on the couch opposite to Lily's chair.
Lily sat down next to him on the couch but kept a few feet of space between them. "I'm sorry for your loss. As you can probably guess…I'm quite familiar with…what you're feeling right now. It's never something simple or easy to deal with." Her green eyes searched for his black ones, Severus couldn't help but stare back and quickly found himself entranced with the depth of understanding and compassion he found in his old friend.
"I take it death was a fairly…common occurrence for you, wasn't it? During the war?"
Lily's expression darkened for a moment, unseen lines springing to the fore, before lightening again. "Yes. Death was, as you put it, a common occurrence. Especially for someone in my line of work." She sighed softly and folded her hands in her lap. "But you learn to deal with it, to manage the grief and move past it in time, and if nothing else, you should take pride in the fact that you helped spare Grace's suffering by…doing what you did. It was very noble of you."
Severus didn't care if he was pushing too much, or prying into unwanted memories, but he had to know. "Have you killed someone before?"
Lily bit her lip and blinked slowly, which to Severus was rather confusing since he assumed the answer would be fairly black and white.
"Yes," she said eventually. "But not in the sense you're thinking of, Severus. I'd never killed in…in battle. I much preferred to stun or to disable, if given the choice. But as a healer, and responsible for the health and well-being of my patients, much like you are responsible for the well-being of your flock…tough decisions need to be made some times. So if you count euthanasia…then yes, I have killed."
Severus opened his lips to say something, but a raised hand from Lily ensure that not a syllable left his mouth. He sat back, silently waiting for her to continue.
"At the end of the day, Sev, I've thought about the decisions I've had to make, both on the battlefield, and when treating my fellow order members, and I always strive to never second guess my decisions and…to never dwell on the outcomes. It's a terrible path to tread if you're always thinking, 'oh what if I did this', or 'maybe this would've been better instead of that', thinking like that gets you nowhere and it can send you to a dark place if you're not careful." Lily shot him a sharp, meaningful look to punctuate her message. Her sharp features softened soon after, and she tentatively reached out her hand for his. Her warm fingers sliding over his cool ones was a balm, helping him calm and relax by unquantifiable amounts yet more than words could hope to aid him.
"Don't second guess yourself, Sev, it'll bring nothing but misery and pain. You did the best you could, and as someone who was a healer in all but title, I wouldn't have done anything differently."
"It's not just about what I did though, Lily, it's…" Severus paused, trying and failing to swallow the lump lodged firmly in his throat, "—it's who I had to do it to. Grace was…she was perhaps the first friend I'd made here in America, and was definitely a large part of t-the reason I chose to stay and dig my roots in. She was a good friend a-and was instrumental in helping me to…to adapt, to life here, and why I chose to stay."
Lily's demeanor immediately shifted to one of sympathy. "Severus I'm—"
"Don't," he said softly, yet with a sense of firmness that lent Lily pause. "Just…don't. I know I did was…was right, and that there was no other choice but death. But I just can't help but feel that everything I touch…will turn to ash and cinders. I thought here, that things at the reserve would be different…but it's all the same."
"Severus you know that's not true," Lily said firmly, her grip tightening a bit around his fingers. "Don't wallow about in self-deprecation, I know for a fact that what you claim isn't true."
"And why would you think that?" Severus asked softly, he turned to Lily, looked her right in the eye with his harsh, penetrating gaze. "From when I was young, ever since I was fucking born, I ruin everything, I'm not wallowing in pity, it's a fact. An observation I know to be true."
He yanked his hand away from Lily's, gripped his long, black strands of hair and pulled harshly. "My parents used to love each other, Lily, before Tobias knew Eileen was a witch, before they had me, they actually loved each other. Did you know that?"
Lily shook her head. Severus never spoke of his parents, and when he did, it was only briefly and spitefully. But from the little bits and pieces she'd learned about Severus' home life, she knew she couldn't blame her friend for hating his parents, hearing snippets of what they'd done to their son and the little rumors around Cokeworth about the Snapes was enough to make her hate them solely on Severus' behalf.
"And then here I come along, this…this greasy-haired freak of nature, and I ruin everything. Tobias became…well, the Tobias I had the misfortune of knowing all too well, and my mum a recluse who hardly spoke until her death. And then there's you, Lily, I fucked up what we had too, didn't I? And I fucked up my time at school, I fucked up my prospects back home; so this was the first time in my life something had gone right for me. I didn't fuck this up and I was doing pretty fucking well if I do say so myself, until, sure enough…I fucked up today."
"Severus look at me."
Her tone brokered no room for argument, so Severus found himself turning to face her. For the first time in many-a-long-year, Lily looked genuinely angry. "Lily, I—"
"No. Shut it. You listen to me, now," Lily growled, before rapidly closing the gap between them and seizing his hands brutally in her's. "Me. Harry. Azalea, all of us are proof enough that not everything you touch turns to ash Severus. How can you even think that to be true when…when we're all here, loving the new lives we have because of you!"
Severus shook his head, no words coming to him.
"With Harry especially," Lily went on, further hammering her point home. "I know you haven't built up that kind of rapport with Azalea yet, but with Harry, it's so evident to me, as a mother, that my son hangs off of every word you speak. You've helped indulge his interest in thunderbirds, Severus, there's no denying it, and every time he wants to learn more about them, or your job here, you never disappoint him. So tell me, how does that, in any way shape or form sound like you turning everything you touch to ash?"
Again, Severus had no words. He didn't even open his mouth in an attempt to speak this time.
"As for your parents…the other things, your life back home…most of that wasn't your fault. And while yes, you did fall in with blood-purists and that lot for a while, I think to expect the alternative of you would've been an awful lot to ask, I know that now." She sighed tiredly, the lines on her face sprouting forth once more. "What I mean to say, Severus, is that while things haven't gone right for you in the past, back when you—when we were friends and even before that, most of that wasn't your fault, alright? Call it being a victim of circumstance. It wasn't your fault."
"Alright," Severus said hoarsely, speaking for the first time in what felt like hours. "It wasn't my fault."
Lily's righteous anger seemed to abate slightly, even if only a little. A small smile curled her lip now and her eyes began to sparkle once more. "Today certainly wasn't your fault. Sure. Things might've not panned out the way we would've wanted, but what could you have done differently?"
"I could've sealed up the Ravine for one, if I'd done it before today…Grace wouldn't have crashed and hurt herself."
Lily appeared to mull over the suggestion for a moment, even conceding a slight nod, but then countered with; "Yes, but you're not a seer are you? How could you possible have foreseen that this would've happened?"
"Because it's happened before," Severus said simply. "Not with Grace…but a few years back, another bird named Alain crashed there, he was hurt a bit but nothing…I couldn't manage. I didn't think something worse could happen so I left the ravine unsealed," he explained.
He inhaled a rattling breath, his eyes already wet with unshed tears. "I didn't think something worse could happen. And I…no, Grace, paid the price. That's where you're wrong, Lily, I could've done better, I should've done better. And my fuckup cost of my best friend, her life."
"We all make mistakes, Severus, believe me. I know that better than anyone. Please trust me when I say that dwelling on what-ifs and always having your head in the past will not end well. I've done enough of that myself to know better. Just…focus on the future, learn from what happened, and you won't make the same mistake again. Someone wise once told me that, and I feel it prudent to pass along their message to you."
"And who was it that told you that?" Severus asked.
Lily smiled and shook her head. She wasn't about to tell Severus that the little nugget of wisdom she'd generously imparted on him had been given to her by a man she knew he once hated. "Someone very important to me," she said, leaving it at that.
Severus nodded and discreetly wiped away the thin sheen of tears in his eyes before they could fall. He wouldn't let himself cry with Lily right there, even if it was over the loss of one of the most beloved birds in the flock.. "I'm gonna go now, Lily, I need to…to write a speech I'll give to the guys later once their duties are over. I'll, uh…I'll be in my office if you need me."
"Can I come too?" Lily asked quickly, her tone hopeful. "It might help if I'm there…you know, you could bounce your ideas off me if you like. We've always worked pretty well together when we're collaborating don't we?"
"That we do," said Severus, smiling slightly as he recalled the many group efforts he and Lily had back when they were friends at Hogwarts. "Alright, you can come if you'd like, I may need to borrow that brain of yours since I've never been the best at writing speeches."
"I'll be right with you then," Lily said with a smile. "I'm gonna go check on Harry and Azalea and I'll…yeah, I'll put the kettle on and be right there."
Before Severus could leave the room, Lily took his hand and pulled him back towards her. She hugged him for a few moments, feeling the tension he'd accrued within him bleeding out through the hug, then pulled away.
"I'll see you soon, Sev. Assam tea work well for you?"
Severus stepped back and nodded, his smile blooming just a bit more. "That'd be nice."
Lily's mouth quirked upward into a lopsided smile, then backed away from him and left to the kitchen. As Lily set about preparing a pot of tea for herself and Severus, she felt a slight twinge of guilt run through her about not being entirely forthcoming with Severus. While yes, it was true that she wanted to help him in any way she could, and if said help came in the form of her lending her assistance at drafting a speech so be it; she was more concerned over his mental well-being than his ability to write a speech, but she wasn't about to admit that to his face. She'd dealt with loss and grief far too many times to count over the course of the war, so she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what was going through Severus' mind right now. He was too prideful to admit that he wanted her near him, that he wanted her to be by his side; but she could see it in his eyes that it was true that he needed her with him more than ever. He'd never admit anything of the sort out loud, not willingly, at least, but she knew he'd value her simply being there.
Lily was well acquainted enough with processing grief to know that everyone dealt with it differently, but ironically, the way she and Severus had dealt with grief in the past—such as the loss of their parents, was one of the few areas in which they were entirely the same. She remembered how Severus had been in the weeks and months following the death of his mum when they were first years, how he craved and needed the comfort her mum had been so willing to give him in the wake of his own mum's death. Severus visited her house as often as five or six times a week during the summer between first and second year, all so he could be near her and her mum as much as possible. If it were at all possible, Severus' grief over Grace's death might be even greater than what it was when his mum had died. Severus didn't really miss his mum or his dad all that much, from Lily's observation. His sorrow over his mum's death, at least, stemmed from a sense of mourning over what his mum could've been, and how she may have treated him as her son if she were a better mother. She doubted that Severus actually missed Eileen Snape, and that his grief stemmed from an unending series of 'what-ifs' regarding his mother that played in his head.
Lily didn't understand the way Severus dealt with his grief when she was younger, not until her own parents passed on and she too craved the comfort and closeness that Severus did when his mother died. She found that comfort in James and that was potentially the catalyst behind her and him getting together in their seventh year, when both their parents were either dying or already dead. Ironically, it was by her and James growing closer that she better began to understand how she, and how Severus dealt with their misery in all-too-similar ways, how they both didn't want to be alone if it could be helped. Despite all their differences, Lily and Severus both dealt with their grief in identical ways, something that even the dissolution of their friendship couldn't take away from them. She vowed to be there for Severus in the coming days, weeks, even months if need be; like he'd been there for her and her children when he offered them a roof over their head, and a place to gather herself so she could get back on her feet. She owed him that, at least, after all he'd done to support her in her time of desperation and need.
A/N2: Thank you for ready, and I hope you all enjoyed the chapter!