A/N: So, some more talking about the past, and Lily reveals to Severus the arrangement she has with James regarding custody. In this chapter though, James' character is sorta dragged through the mud just a little bit. Beyond all the custody business, Severus reveals to Lily more about how he turned his life around when he came to America, and the changes and hardships he faced along the way with letting go of his anger.
Chapter 8 To Learn And To Grow
"Excellent, Harry, that's very well done," Severus commended, giving the boy what he hoped was a nurturing smile as he stroked Lysander's feathers.
Lysander, for his part, crooned in thanks as Harry's little fingers ran through his pelt. The navy-blue colored thunderbird tilted his head upwards, allowing Harry better access to scratch underneath his head. Harry duly did so. Little crackles of electricity rippled across Lysander's pelt, eliciting a few chuckles from Harry in turn as the lightning tickled his fingers.
From further away, Lily and Azalea watched on from the porch, the former wearing a beaming smile and the latter hard at work scribbling away on a piece of paper. She was working on her latest doodle depicting Harry petting Lysander and she wanted it to be ready for Uncle Sev before dinnertime. The sun was just barely above the tops of the firs and the cool wind rustling through the reserve told them all that dusk wasn't far away. Smiling contentedly, Lily sat back down on the bench next to her daughter, who was still hard at work on her sketch.
"Do you want to have a turn at petting Lysander, pumpkin?" Lily asked gently.
Azalea shook her head quickly, not raising her gaze from the paper to her mother. "Wanna finish before dinner," she mumbled, her lower lip bitten in concentration as she drew.
Lily only grinned in response. "Of course you do."
Azalea offered her mother a fleeting, sheepish grin before shifting her focus to her work with Lily doing the same to Harry and Severus. Her brief distraction meant she'd missed out on seeing Lysander flopping down onto his side as Harry pet the bird's chin. Harry laughed in wonder as Lysander flipped every which way in the gravel, rolling about as a puppy might when they were being played with. With each passing moment, the sun continued to descend lower and lower, and Lily began to hear the distant sounds of the Thunderbirds as they were rounded up for the night by Severus' staff. She briefly wondered why Lysander wasn't returning to the barn but then remembered that he was a senior, and of course, was allowed to stay out for the night. She was distracted from her idle thoughts by Lysander giving a loud squawk and standing up from the gravel to his full-height. Harry leaped back and Severus pulled him away a little further as Lysander began to beat his three sets of wings.
"Back a bit more, Harry, let's give Lysander some space," said Severus, as he pulled Harry further away from the bird about to take flight.
Lysander beat his wings against the air furiously, achieving lift and slowly climbing upwards until he was above the tops of the trees. As he hovered, the navy-blue bird gave Harry and Severus one last look—that to Lily, appeared fond, before raising higher into the sky and flying away. Lily watched the bird fly away over the treetops, and once he'd disappeared from view, her gaze shifting back to Harry and Severus as they approached. Harry's smile was wide and blinding, and Lily couldn't help but smile as well as she witnessed the joyous expression on her son's face. Severus was smiling too, looking on fondly as Harry raced from his side, up the porch to his mother, all the while blabbering away about how cool it was that he'd gotten Lysander to flop over.
Harry raced up the steps of the porch and hugged his mother tightly. "Mummy did you see that? That was so cool!"
"I did see that sweetie, it was very cool indeed," Lily agreed, patting Harry's back as she returned his hug.
"I've—I've never gotten them to flop over before! Uncle Sev told me 'cus that's only when they're comf'table!"
Lily quirked a brow. "Is that so?"
"Yes, it is," said Severus, who had ascended the steps to join them on the porch. "They're a lot like cats in that sense, they'll show you their bellies if they're comfortable, and won't mind flopping over and turning this way and that."
"Really?" she asked, though not really questioning him, more so a vocalization of her surprise.
Severus only returned her not-question with a nod. "I'll see you all shortly, I've—uh, got my evening rounds now."
Lily nodded. She opened her lips to reply but Harry beat her to it.
"Can I go with you?" he asked eagerly.
"Perhaps next time," said Severus, wearing a regretful smile.
He intended on merely apparating around the range to ensure that all the birds had been rounded up by the rangers and that the protective enchantments around the reserve were still holding fast. Taking his truck would use up a lot more time than he would've liked.
Harry looked put out, but wasn't as downtrodden as Severus thought he might've been. "Alright," he said with a pout, his shoulders sagging just a bit.
"Well let's leave Uncle Severus to it," said Lily, ushering Harry towards the door and urging Azalea to her feet. "He'll join us soon enough."
Severus nodded in response, but before he apparated away to the far side of the sanctuary, he glimpsed the piece of paper Azalea was clutching as Lily ushered her to the door. Frowning slightly, he knew it to be one of the many drawings she'd been churning out over the past few days and knew it'd become another fixture of his office soon enough. He gave Lily and her children one last smile as they stepped through the front door line-astern and then apparated away with a crack to the far side of the sanctuary.
Severus went about his duties diligently and swiftly, checking to ensure that each segment of the interwoven protective enchantments was sealed, and occasionally reinforcing them a little where it was needed. Just recently, there had been an article in the Muggle newspaper that a commercial airliner on final approach to Flagstaff's airport reported massive flashes of lightning beneath them as they made their descent, despite there being no inclement weather in the area otherwise. The enchantments were supposed to seal the lightning from the outside, leaving Severus with the problem of figuring out what'd gone wrong. He quickly ascertained the problem that one of the rune stones—which effectively helped reinforce the enchantments, was cracked, so he placed an order for a new one which would come next week. For the time being, the enchantments were holding strong and the remaining rune stones were humming away in the earth just fine, but he'd have to put up with the fact that outsiders would be able to see the lightning his birds gave off within the reserve. He silently cursed that the Muggles couldn't have built their blasted airport pointing in another direction, and cursed his rotten luck that the rune stone had such poor build-quality that it cracked without warning.
Once his lap of the reserve was complete, he made one last apparation jump to the Ranger lodge where he'd meet with Wayne and Maryanne, his two most-experienced rangers, to get the low-down on the day. He also planned on having a chat with them about the cracked rune stone and the importance that they were checked frequently to ensure the enchantments didn't falter or fail.
The sun had already dipped beneath the horizon by the time he made his way back to the farmhouse. Apparating outside the structure with a soft pop, he made his way up the porch to the front door but paused with his hand on the knob when he heard the sound of laughter ringing out from within. It was Lily's laughter, but she wasn't alone, Harry and Azalea were laughing as well. Their laughter sounding like it was coming from the dining room.
"Do you think he'll like it?"Azalea asked, Severus straining to make out her soft voice.
"I'm sure he will, pumpkin," said Lily, sounding assured. "It's your best one yet by far, and I'm sure Uncle Sev will be able to tell that you've put a lot of effort into this one."
"You really think so, mummy?"
The next words Lily spoke, Severus wasn't able to hear, but he was sure it was somewhere along the lines of; 'I know so.'
Having had enough of lingering out on the front porch in the chill, Severus finally turned the knob and opened the door. Suppressing a shiver, Severus stepped into the house as the chatter in the dining room suddenly grew quiet. Severus quickly took off his coat and boots and headed for the dining room. He paced quickly through the quiet halls of the farmhouse, low murmurings coming from the room at the end of the hall. Perhaps the slam of the front door as he entered gave away his presence. So, it wasn't of any surprise to him when he entered the room to find two pairs of green eyes and one of hazel on the doorframe. Three smiles accompanying them.
"Severus. How was it out there?" Lily asked.
"It was fine," Severus said, eyeing the food briefly before shifting his gaze back to Lily. "And yourself?"
The redhead shrugged her shoulders slightly. "Just chatting while waiting for you. But there's also—um, something I wanted to discuss with you, if that's alright."
Severus quirked a brow of curiosity. "I hope it's nothing serious."
"Oh, no, no it's not," Lily said, waving her hand in a flippant motion. "Don't worry. But—um, the food's getting cold, so please sit down."
Severus' brow inched higher, the beginnings of a smirk now curling his lip. Being told to sit down in his own house, the sheer gall of it. Nevertheless, he did as he was asked and claimed his seat to Lily's left at the head of the table. Seeing that his plate was already piled high with food, and that Harry and Azalea had commenced their meals quite some time ago by the looks of things, he grasped his utensils and started to eat. He quickly picked away at his salad, eating the first portion of his meal in contented silence as Harry and Azalea talked in hushed whispers. Azalea seemed to be hiding something on the chair next to her, and she kept shooting Severus furtive glances every few minutes to make sure he wasn't looking. Thought Severus had a good hunch as to what it was that Azalea was guarding so closely. Harry clearly knew about it too as he'd been communicating closely with his younger sister in nigh-silent whispers.
Once he finished his salad, he began serving himself a portion of roast beef, when Lily awkwardly cleared her throat from the chair next to him. Slowly, he set the cut of beef down on his plate and turned to face her. The pensiveness on her face took him by surprise, but he gave her an encouraging nod to say what she'd been wishing to.
"There's some things…that you need to know about the custody arrangement surrounding Harry and Azalea," Lily said slowly, speaking in a hushed tone to avoid alerting Harry and Azalea as they shared their own conversation on their end of the table.
Severus' brow furrowed in thought. He raised his glass of water to his lips and took a swig. "What do I need to know?" he asked after a pregnant pause.
"James'll be coming to America in about a month's time, and he'll…he'll be taking Harry and Azalea back to England for a month. He's—uh, it's part of the arrangement, that twice a year, for a month each time, he gets custody of the kids. Usually, that'll be during the autumn and spring, so come next month he'll take custody of them both," Lily explained.
Severus expelled a quiet huff of air, whether it was of exasperation or concern Lily didn't know, but it worried her regardless. "And of what concern is it to me?" he asked quietly, eyeing lily with an appraising look.
Her slow blink was telling that she'd been caught off-guard by his unexpected question, but she was quick to school herself into a mask of impassivity. "I just thought you'd ought to know. That next month you won't be able to call upon two pairs of helping hands, and that it'll—you know, be just the two of us around here."
"Aside from the rangers and the birds," Severus clarified.
"Right, aside from them of course," she amended swiftly. Lily opened her lips to say something more, her eyes widening too, but the words jammed stuck in her throat and she quickly shook her head.
Seeing this, Severus gave her an insistent look. "What is it?"
For all of ten seconds Lily looked at war with herself. Clearly debating whether to say whatever it was she intended to say, or to hide it and move on. "There's…there's also the small caveat that James doesn't exactly know where I'm staying. Nor does he know that I'm staying with you, Sev. He's—um, we made arrangements to meet in New York where his Portkey will arrive, so I'll have to floo there, and after that he'll take Harry and Azalea back to—"
"—He doesn't know?" Severus asked in a waspish whisper.
At his sudden aggressiveness, the fire in her eyes returned in full-force. "Of course he doesn't Severus, how could I tell him? James was angry enough as it was when I told him I'd started chatting with you on the phone. How'd you think he would've reacted if I told him I moved in with his former enemy?"
Severus licked his lips and contemplated her words. "He wouldn't have liked it," he said slowly, but he couldn't resist adding on; "But I didn't like it when you got together with Potter either. I hated it when you two got together, and do you know what? I got over it, and if I can, so can that toss-pot."
Lily's eyes flashed in warning, her gaze darting to her children who'd suddenly noticed their raise in volume. Clearly, she didn't want them to catch on to their conversation, and that was something he could readily agree with her on. Azalea in particular seemed to have trained her ears on him in innocent earnestness.
"We'll talk about this later," she muttered quietly, earning her a terse nod from the man to her left.
The rest of the meal carried on in idle quiet, Lily making small-talk by asking after Severus' rounds and Severus reciprocating her curiosity by asking how her research during the day had gone. Whether Harry and Azalea were fooled by their display of faux-amicability was anyone's guess, but within each comment they exchanged, there were little barbs here and there that were slightly too subtle for the five and three-year-olds to pick up on. Harry and Azalea were both feeling rather tired after their roast beef dinner, so Lily took them upstairs to get them ready for bed, though Azalea made sure to present Severus with her latest masterpiece before leaving. Severus remained downstairs in the meantime, he switched on the television and idly drank in the local evening news as Lily went about overseeing her children's nightly rituals, then putting them to bed. His lax focus on the television was broken as the sound of quiet footfalls grew louder, heralding Lily's imminent arrival. When she rounded the corner and appeared in the doorway, Severus glanced over at her and breathed a silent sigh of relief that her anger from earlier had dulled to mere embers. She still didn't look all that pleased with him regardless.
"Severus," she said simply.
"Lily." He nodded at the seat, and she promptly strode into the room and sat down across from him.
"I don't want a drink," Lily said stiffly, pre-empting the question she knew he'd ask. "I just…I want to talk, and if you'll give me a chance to explain, I'll tell you why I never told James about…about coming here, with you."
Severus looked as though he wanted to say something more, but soon thought better of it and gave her a nod, encouraging her to start.
"James still doesn't like you," she said quietly. Then, giving a hollow laugh, she added; "The mere idea of me writing to you again was met with disdain and anger on his part. He really hated it and it was just one of the many things that I felt were pulling us apart."
"So I didn't tell him that I was here with you, because I knew what his reaction would be, and he wouldn't have taken it well, Sev, and I couldn't risk that. James is…well, he's matured a lot from when you knew him at school, and Merlin knows he was a bloody arsehole back then, but when the war kicked off he managed to leave most of that behind. So yeah, he has matured, he has managed to leave behind almost all of his school-boy, twat-like tendencies, but there is one area, just one, where he hasn't changed all that much. And that's you. He's still hot-headed and an irrational twat when it comes to you."
"Me," Severus said flatly, clearly unimpressed.
"Yes. You. He still…I don't know what it is, but he still really doesn't like you. Neither does Sirius."
"They have no excuse," he said with sudden gravitas, his tone dropping by a couple of octaves. "I managed to overcome my…my hatred of them, so they have no excuse for not being able to do the same. And Merlin knows I hated them far more than they ever hated me. I hated them because they humiliated and degraded me, Potter and Black loathe me only because I dare to exist and share their air."
Lily winced at the reminder, but she knew, deep down, that her ex-husband and his mates only bullied and attacked Severus for shits and giggles. The Marauders weren't a quartet of noble knights on a righteous crusade, they humiliated and bullied Severus for fun and because they could.
"I know," she whispered. "But there is a reason why I'm no longer with James, Sev, there is a reason why I hate Sirius now, I can't stand that motherfucker as a matter of fact."
Severus damn nearly smiled at Lily's sailor-like swearing. "You hate Black?"
Lily balled her fists up tightly, her knuckles turning white. "Yes. After what I learned about…about what he tried to do to you in fifth year, and he tried to pass it off as a joke, I've hated him ever since then, and I hate the fact that once upon a time I even considered him a friend," she spat.
Severus thought that for the first time in a long time he was seeing his old friend genuinely angry, but her anger began to lessen as she breathed a heavy sigh and relaxed her palms in her lap. "I am sorry for befriending him, and after how he wronged you, tried to have you killed and then tried to pretend it was a fucking joke, I've never thought the same of him since then, Sev."
"He is a Black after all, so it's a given that there's plenty of darkness within him," Severus remarked gravely.
Lily gave him a rueful smile. "Yeah. I guess it should've known. But we're getting sidetracked, back to what I was saying, I do think it's amazing that you managed to get over your hatred of them, rather than them of you." She regarded him seriously then, her smile giving way to a look of respect, and even a hint of admiration. "As you pointed out, you've got many more reasons to hate them, than they have to hate you, and they still hate you to this day. At least Sirius does, James and Remus less-so, but they still don't like you."
"I didn't overcome my anger on my own, you know," Severus said as his eyes fell to his lap. "I had Michael, and the birds here, and that…that promise of something better helped me cut away every single attachment I had to my old life, minus you, that is."
"And I'm so proud of you for it," Lily said thickly, and when Severus looked up, he saw tears in her eyes. "I—I know what they did to you and yes, it was brutal, it was cruel, some of it was downright despicable. You got your licks in too, sent them to the Hospital Wing on a fair-few occasions, but they kept coming back for more and more often than not, you usually ended up on the worse end of your…of your fights."
She took a deep breath and wiped away the tears that'd pooled in her eyes with a single swipe of her sleeve. "My point is, Sev, is that you've managed to move past all of it, and you've found it in you to leave all of that in the dirt where it should belong, and they haven't. And you've got far more reason to…to have held on to your bitterness, to your anger and hatred of them—don't deny it!" He sealed his mouth shut. "I know you once hated them, and for good reason too, now that I know the truth behind your—what I once thought was a rivalry." She drew in another breath, and her expression fell towards peace. "So believe me when I say this, Severus, but I am truly proud beyond words, of you, for—for doing what James and Sirius have failed to do. Knowing what I know now, it mustn't have been easy for you."
"Nothing worthwhile ever is," said Severus with wisdom beyond his years. He recalled the words his old mentor once imparted upon him, repeating them in the here and now.
Lily's gaze softened, her eyes flickering with undisguised warmth and gratitude for the man across from her. "Yeah. Amen to that."
She paused then, a quiet sigh passing her lips. "I don't—I never wanted to jeopardize what you have here, and I worry what James' reaction would be if he learned that I'd shacked up with you." She gave him a serious look then. "And as I've said numerous times, you've done something that none of them—meaning James and his lot, have managed to do, despite them having an easier go of it than you."
"Finding peace was essential to this life I've built out here," Severus said simply, as if overcoming his hatred of his old demons, whether they be James Potter, Sirius Black, or Tobias Snape was an easy feat. Severus knew better than anyone it wasn't.
"How did you overcome it?" Lily asked with sudden interest. "I'd have—I'd have thought that…considering all the shite you've been through before and during Hogwarts that it would've been impossible?"
"The key for me, Lily, what truly helped me, was going back to my experiences and thoughts as a child," Severus explained. He leaned back into the couch and breathed a quiet sigh, then lifting his gaze to the maroon ceiling above him.
"When I was younger, before Hogwarts that is, I was…I held much hope, for a better future. A better future when I'd be among my kind far away from all my troubles and pain in Spinner's End. I held on to that hope for so long, and my mother did her best to help me. Telling me all these…wonderful things about Hogwarts, how it would be a dream and that I would love it there. She told me that one day I'd be a great wizard and I'd leave Spinner's End and I'd make a name for myself in the world. She told me that when I was among others like me…I'd have a proper home, and be accepted for who I was." He smiled then, but didn't return his gaze to Lily who was still sat across with rapt attention.
"When I met you." He finally looked at her now. "My hope for a better future beyond Hogwarts doubled, maybe tripled, and my dreams of what my future may hold for me expanded unbidden. It was…it was that hope that kept me going, and that idea that I'd have a better future that I clung to so desperately until it was time to actually go to Hogwarts."
"But it was promptly stolen away," Lily murmured, her voice tinged with regret and sadness.
"Indeed it was. Within the first week, I'd already made an enemy of most of Slytherin by virtue of my impure blood—they loved to call me that favored buzz-word your sister used, 'a freak'." Lily winced at that. "And with your ex-husband and his lot, my reputation within the school was about as low as pond-scum by the end of the first week." Severus sighed again as a rueful smile crept across his features. "My dreams shattered in less than a month, and I resigned myself to the fact that Hogwarts was no better than Spinner's End. It was worse, as a matter of fact. At least at Spinner's End, I could waste away my days by the river with you, Lily, but at Hogwarts, I had no such reprieve, save for when I was in the hospital wing." Another rueful chuckle. "I was untouchable then and Madam Pomfrey would protect me with her life."
"She would," Lily agreed, smiling tearfully as Severus recounted his story.
"But I digress, I'm getting side-tracked. The key for me, Lily, was to find a point in my life where I had hope and dreams, and to re-immerse myself in that state once more. So, I reminded myself of my hopes that I held close to my chest during the years before we went to Hogwarts, and I tried to embrace that state of mind."
Severus shut his eyes as he recalled the words of his mentor, repeating them over and over again within the sanctuary of his mind before saying them out loud for the final time. "I have purpose, I have value, I have opportunity. Those were three things that he ingrained into me, and in time, I truly began to believe it. Immersing myself in the happiest moments of my past, and seeing now that I could realize what I'd longer for so easily in the present; it allowed me to realize that I didn't have to hold on to my anger any longer. Stewing on it would bring me nothing and would only get in the way of the life I'd so desperately wanted ever since I was a boy, where I have purpose, value and opportunity. Michael told me to remember those dreams I once held, to pore over every detail of them and leave no stone unturned; so that when I opened my eyes, I could realize all of those dreams if I let go of my past and all my anger. Little did I know that once upon a time, he was a man like me, so steeped in his own demons that he had to undergo a similar journey to I." He re-opened his eyes, dark irises fixing firmly on the bottle-green ones across from him. "I owe him everything, Lily, everything. I couldn't have done all this alone."
"And now that you've let go of your anger…your bitterness, you can live a life of freedom and peace," Lily murmured gently, her voice thick with repressed emotion.
"Exactly."
He could see her swallow the lump in her throat, his eyes following it until reaching the neckline of her shirt. He didn't dare go any further. His eyes trained on her's, they widened a fraction as he watched her stand and come around the table to his side. Lily sat down beside him, taking his hand in her's and rubbing the back of it with her thumb in circles.
"I think it's fair to say that…that we've both made mistakes aplenty in the past," Lily began, her voice low and thick. "And I want to do better this time, with what we have between us. I want to do better, and I think you want the same."
"I do," said Severus, confirming her thoughts. "And to start, I have some things I'd like to get off my chest." Lily's eyes lifted to his, her gaze curious and searching. "I don't think I've apologized properly for calling you that word, that day by the lake. I was…humiliated, exposed, my anger and cruelty got the better of me. For that I am sorry."
Lily's heart thudded loudly in her chest as Severus' words washed over her. The truth was, she'd forgiven him for it a long time ago, back when they were still students and they had that all important fight during their seventh year. When Severus affirmed to her that he wouldn't be joining the death eaters, she'd forgiven him right then and there, but she'd just never let him know it yet.
"I forgive you and I'm sorry too, Sev," Lily replied, her thumb resuming its motions over his hand. "I called you that horrid name, and I…I'd known how much it would hurt you—but I—"
"—you wanted to cut me as deeply as possible, proverbially, I mean," Severus finished. "I would know, I did the same when I called you that."
Lily could only muster a nod in response, her head hung low.
"And then there's the whole thing about falling in with Malfoy's lot, I suppose I should apologize for that too," Severus went on, before she had a chance to reply. "They were…they were cruel, and as long as it wasn't directed towards me, I turned a blind eye to it. I was…willfully ignorant of what they were doing. I didn't care that they cursed Muggleborns, I threw in the odd insult as well to cement my position in the group too…and yet…I never saw anything wrong with it until I almost made a terrible mistake."
"We've both made mistakes Sev, and the important thing is that you didn't make a truly terrible one," Lily said insistently. "You got out and left that cesspool behind, and made the right decision in the end, so don't…don't beat yourself up over something you didn't even do and had only thought of doing."
Severus turned to face her with a frown. "I'm not beating myself up over it, I'm simply stating a fact that I was close to committing to the Death Eaters, I likely would have had it not been for…for our talk, Lily."
"Yes but you went out on a limb to pursue a career here, and that…that is awfully brave to me—"
He scoffed. "Says the war hero."
Lily snorted and rolled her eyes, though they still shone with a hint of amusement.
"I still don't understand though Severus…why didn't you tell me that James and Sirius still bullied you in seventh year? Why did you…did you just…keep it all to yourself?"
For a long moment, Severus didn't say a word. He was taken aback by her question and took quite some time to gather his thoughts on it. "I think the answer is…a bit complicated," he said slowly. Lily sat up a little bit straighter and shifted closer to him, her earnest green eyes trained intently on Severus' face.
"One reason I never said anything was…on some level, I thought you might've known already—" he ignored her quiet gasp and continued, "—I thought you were…that Potter wasn't lying to you about that, and that you were aware of the fact that we still fought one another. I did start my fair share of our…erm…skirmishes from time to time, so I wasn't wholly innocent, but Potter and his posse continued to attack me as well away from prying eyes and I'd have thought you were aware of it."
"Severus I hadn't a clue until you told me over the—"
"—I know that now," Severus said curtly, then sighing. "But at the time, I thought you knew…and were perhaps alright with Potter still…still having a bone to pick with me. In the event that you didn't know…I'd also rationalized to myself that if I were to tell you what Potter still did to me…that he still attacked me and only me, never Mulciber, Wilkes or Avery; that you wouldn't believe me even if I said it to your face." He paused, turning to look at her straight on then, his dark eyes burrowing into her's intently. "Tell me to my face Lily, would you have believed me if I told you Potter still humiliated and harassed me? Would you have given me the time of day?"
Lily wanted to be honest, she really did. Her past relationship with James had been built on a bed of lies and would've never lasted thanks to its flimsy foundation. So in the present, she lifted her head and met his gaze resolutely. "I would not have," she said calmly.
Severus appeared to soften then, a quiet sigh passing between his lips. "And there you have your answer. At best, I'd assumed you wouldn't have listened to me, and at worst…at worst I thought that on some level you might've been okay with it."
"Severus I would never—"
"I know that now," he cut across her. "But at the time…I did not."
Lily sighed too, then, her shoulder slumping as she leaned back into the cushions. "I wasn't a good friend back then," she whispered solemnly. "I didn't listen to what you had to say…always judged you, rarely believed what you had to say and didn't stand up for you as much as I should have. I should've been a better friend for you Sev…I hope you can forgive me for that in time."
"—You can't ask for forgiveness Lily, not when I was guilty of the same crime you were," said Severus. "I was…an even worse friend than you were, and I will try to do better."
Her thumb resumed stroking the back of his hand, and moment's later, her head came to rest on his shoulder. "I will do better too, Severus," she promised solemnly. "And when the time comes, I'd like for us to be more than friends."
He couldn't lie to her, not about this, so he said; "I'd like that too."
Lily gave a breathy exhale of agreement, tickling his cheek in the process. For a long moment, they sat there in contented silence, neither quite sure of where to take their conversation next. After a few minutes of silence, an idea popped into Severus' head, a question he just had to voice.
"Does anyone know where you are? Or who you're with?"
Lily pursed her lips together but nodded nonetheless. "Remus does, Remus Lupin—" Severus visibly tensed at the mention of his former tormentor's enabler, but to Lily's complete surprise, he kept a lid on his anger. "He's the only one who does," she added, hoping it would ameliorate his concerns.
"And why would you think to tell him of all people?" Severus asked, his voice waspish.
"Because he's earned my trust and I know he won't tell a soul."
"Not even his mates?"
Lily resolutely shook her head. "Not even them."
Severus looked unconvinced, but decided against lending voice to his concerns. "And will you eventually tell Potter that it was his old enemy of all people you've shacked up with?"
Lily gave a quiet snort and threw Severus a sardonic look. "One day he'll have to know, but I think I'll wait on it for a while until he's moved on and happy so he won't…you know…react as negatively."
"A wise decision," Severus commended, a hint of a smirk playing at his lips. He couldn't resist adding on; "Potter never could resist the urge to have a go at me, so waiting until he's moved on should be for the best."
"My thoughts exactly. James has…well, he's always been a jealous person, so even if he's moved on with someone else when I tell him…I worry his reaction will still be mostly negative."
"I can be a jealous sort too, you know," Severus pointed out quietly, to which Lily only laughed.
"Yeah, I'd gathered that quite a long time ago," she quipped.
He offered her a little smile in response, one which she returned in greater measure. "Do you ever wonder what it would've been like had we…you know…gotten it right the first time?"
"You mean when we were children?"
"Mhmm. Let's say we never lost our friendship, let's say that I was a more understanding friend, and that you never fell in with Malfoy's lot, and that we'd somehow made it work. Where would you have seen us?"
Severus took a moment to ponder her question, ignoring her searching gaze on him as he wracked his brain for an answer. He soon had one. "I supposed I'd have never left. I wouldn't have had reason to. So, had I never involved myself in that lot…Malfoy's lot, I assume I'd try to find work and continue our friendship."
"Just our friendship?" Lily pressed, sounding eager. "You wouldn't have…you wouldn't have made a move?"
Severus' eyes narrowed then, and Lily knew from that alone that she wouldn't be receiving an answer. But to her utter surprise, he began to speak. "I don't know," he muttered carefully. "Wouldn't that depend on whether you were seeing anyone or not?"
"Yeah, I—right, of course it would," Lily replied hastily. "I mean…I probably would've said yes, you know…if I wasn't seeing James or anyone else," she tacked on, earning her a raised brow from Severus.
Evidently, he didn't quite believe her assertion.
"But if things hadn't gone the way they had…and we did make things right from the start, then you wouldn't have Harry and Azalea," he said quietly.
He felt Lily shift slightly next to him, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. "To be honest…I can't imagine what my life would be like without them in it. I'd just…it wouldn't feel right, if I didn't have my children."
"Perhaps things turned out for the best then," Severus said quietly, earning him a surprised look from Lily. Seeing her surprise as confusion, he added; "even if we did get things right early on…and you and I ended up…you know…together—" the faintest blush rose on his cheeks and nose, "—there's no guarantee that one or both of us would've mucked it up and ruined our relationship. And in our many years apart from one another, I'd like to think we've both grown and matured from the idiots we were as teenagers."
Lily released a full-bellied laugh then and smiled in agreement. "We were both idiots," she agreed. "And like you said, I like to think we've both matured plenty from our foolish, teenaged selves."
Severus smiled in agreement.
To Severus, Lily was no longer the be-all and end-all of his happiness, which he'd long ago thought was the case when he was a child waiting to go to Hogwarts. Once upon a time, he viewed Lily as not just a source of happiness, but the source of happiness, for him at least. As a man entering his late twenties, he could now see just how wrong he was and how his greatest happiness in his life 'til this point was the flock, his job, and his life as a whole on the reserve. Sure, having Lily there was an added bonus too, she brought him heaps of happiness in the form of her bubbly, vivacious self, and her delightful children. But Severus now knew that his own happiness and purpose no longer was just limited to Lily and that there was so much beyond his childhood friend that could lend his life joy and meaning. Still though, with Lily back in his life again with her children in tow, that didn't mean he wasn't going to pursue additional happiness with her. He'd missed out on quite a lot of that earlier in his life so he'd take as much as he could get.
A/N2: James was bashed a little bit here, but all for the purposes of the story. In the next chapter when he makes his appearance, it'll be centered around his portrayal as a loving father to Harry and Azalea. I'm not the biggest fan of James to be honest, but for all his faults I do think he'd make a caring and loving father despite my issues with the Jily ship as a whole.
Anyways, I hope you all liked the chapter, and thanks for reading!