A/N: James makes his appearance this chapter, albeit a brief one. Lily then returns to Flagstaff and she and Severus have a very important discussion.
Chapter 9 Coming Clean
The very next morning, Lily informed her children of what she'd told Severus last night, that come next month, they'd be going back to England to spend a month with their dad. Severus was still out on the range assisting his rangers with their morning duties, so he wasn't privy to Harry and Azalea's reaction to the news that they'd get to spend all of October with their dad. Their reaction to the news was…fairly mixed, which was not something that Lily expected. On the one hand, Harry and Azalea were nothing less than jubilant at the prospect of getting to spend a month with their dad again. Harry was eager to start flying again and taking lessons from him, and Azalea was just as eager to begin showing her dad her much-improved art once again. On the other hand, however, they were both quite upset about having to leave behind Lily, Severus and all the Thunderbirds. Azalea was especially sad about having to say goodbye—even if only for a month, to her mother; while Harry seemed more put out about leaving the birds behind over anything else. To amp up their enthusiasm for their upcoming trip, Lily tried to regale her children of all the fun things their dad and uncles had in store for them, her tales successfully putting broad smiles on both their faces, any last vestiges of apprehension seemed to ebb away.
With the looming specter of Harry and Azalea's impending departure hanging over them, the month of September passed by very quickly. The date of Harry and Azalea's departure to England arrived before they knew it, and so on the morning of October 2nd, Lily and her children hopped on a plane to fly from Flagstaff to New York. From there, they traveled by floo to the subterranean MACUSA-run facility beneath the city, where the largest International Portkey terminal in America resided. Lily weaved a path through the underground corridors, her purposeful gait successfully parting the crowd of MACUSA-workers as she guided her children towards the terminal. Arriving at the terminal, they paused outside the arrivals area where James would be appearing in a few minutes time. She ushered her two children over to a row of chairs and they sat without complaint. Lily's knees cracked slightly as she knelt down before them—a symptom of her hard work these past few days, she then gently grasped one hand in each of her own.
"Your father will be coming to pick you up in a few minutes," said Lily, putting on a forced smile for them. "Are you excited?"
Harry nodded fervently. "Uh-huh! I'll miss you loads, mummy!"
"Me too!" added Azalea, lending further credence to Harry's words.
Lily smiled broadly at both her children and hugged them tightly. "I'll miss you both very much as well. I'll miss you so, so much; but I'll be counting the days until I get to see you again." Her arms tightened around their backs, and she felt the smaller arms of Harry and Azalea enclose around her as they returned her hug.
"We'll see you soon?" Azalea asked, her voice fretful and muffled against Lily's robe-clad shoulder.
"In a month," Lily said soothingly. Azalea and Harry, especially Azalea, visibly relaxed. "You'll be back just in time for Halloween, and the house will be looking much nicer and all decorated by the time you come back."
Her children started squirming a little then, so Lily extricated herself from their hug and pulled back a bit, a fond smile on her face. "So, in the meantime, I want you to enjoy these next few weeks you have with your father, okay? Can you do that for mummy?"
They both nodded in unison. Lily's gaze softened and a smile bloomed on her lips as she leaned closer again to kiss her children once each on the forehead. They both smiled in response, but Harry tried to cover it up with his embarrassment and quickly squirmed out of his mother's grip.
"Mummy loves you both so much," she whispered, her voice thick and rattling. "So very much. And so does your daddy, too. So, be good for him, and enjoy yourselves, okay?"
"I will, mummy, promise," said Harry.
He held out his pinky expectantly. Lily couldn't help but smile upon seeing it, and quickly wrapped her own pinky around it. Azalea watched her brother and mother wrap fingers with wide eyes; then quickly mimicked Harry's action by holding out her own finger. Lily did the same with Azalea. As she wrapped her far-larger pinky around Azalea's, Lily noticed tears pooling in her daughter's wide, brown eyes. Lily quickly made to hug her and brushed down Azalea's auburn locks as her tears dripped onto her robe.
"W-will we ever see you and daddy together again?" she whispered, a few stray tears dripping down her cheeks.
"I promise you will, I pinky promise," said Lily, now shifting her arms to stroke her trembling back.
She had every intention of coming good on that promise. Perhaps someday down the line, when James had moved on and remarried, and she'd done the same with, hopefully, Sev, then they could all meet together again. In some, long-forgotten corner of her heart, there was an old flame that still burnt for the boy and man James Potter had once been to her, and she doubted it would ever be extinguished. Before learning of what'd really been going on behind her back, when things were so simple, easy, and passionate, before the war and before her responsibilities as an adult, she loved her time with James. But she knew now that things were never meant to be between them, for while the fire of their love was strong, bright and passionate, it was built on kindling of lies and deceit. It was nice to reminisce every once in a while, to the times when her love life had been so easy and uncomplicated. Perhaps someday in the future they could be friends, and grow closer together that way for their children' sakes.
Lily didn't have time to say anything more, since a door leading to one of the departure platforms opened, and out stepped a tall, bespectacled man wearing a broad smile. Azalea didn't see the man just yet, largely because she was still hugging her mother and her nose and eyes were still buried deeply into Lily's robe-clad shoulder. Harry saw him as clear as day, though, he gasped and smiled, and with a loud shriek of; 'daddy!' he leapt out of the chair and dashed across the corridor towards him. Azalea perked up at that, lifting her teary eyes from her mum's shoulder as they tried to focus in vain on the identical pair of eyes present on her father's face. Azalea wiped furiously at the tears in her eyes in an effort to rid herself of her blurry vision and pulled away from her mum's hug.
"Go on pumpkin," said Lily, smiling softly at her precious. "Daddy's waiting for you."
Azalea gave her mother a tearful smile, and with one more quick wipe of her shimmering, brown eyes, she dashed out of her seat over to her dad. James Potter had dropped to one knee with his arms held out wide for his youngest child. Azalea raced into his arms, collapsing against him as James smiled gently and kissed the top of his daughter's head.
"Hello sweetpea, I've missed you too," he said joyously.
"'ve missed you too, daddy," Azalea replied, her voice muffled and thick. Her little arms wound around her father's torso as much as they physically could, which is to say not that much at all.
James chuckled softly in response and hugged her back, then ruffled her head of hair. "Are you ready to come back home with me, sweetpea?"
Azalea twisted about in James' arms, throwing Lily a mournful look, then turning back to James and nodding. "Mhmm."
James' gaze drifted to Lily, who was stood a few meters away with her arms folded across her chest and a little smile on her face. James gave her an awkward smile and a wave, one which Lily tried her best to return but it was forced and strained.
"Lily," he said evenly, nodding once.
"James," she replied in kind.
She stuffed her hands into her pockets and withdrew four, shrunken luggage bags from within. She calmly walked over to James and deposited them in his outstretched palm.
"Thanks," he muttered, putting them back in his pocket.
"That should be all that's needed for a month," Lily said a little stiffly, her eyes resting on his robe pocket before traveling upwards to his face.
James gave her a half smile, then hugged Harry and Azalea to his sides, both children smiling happily as their father's arms wrapped around them.
"Right, well…we'd better head off children, say goodbye to your mum, please."
Azalea squirmed away from James' side and ran as quickly as her short legs could carry her to her mum. Lily knelt down and with broad, outstretched arms, hugged her tightly.
"Goodbye pumpkin, enjoy your stay with daddy, okay?" Lily whispered.
"B'bye mummy," Azalea whispered back, squeezing her arms tightly around Lily. "I love you."
Lily smiled and kissed the top of her daughter's head, her arms rubbing her back. "I love you too pumpkin. Mummy loves you very much."
Not wanting to delay the inevitable, Lily released Azalea from what felt like their umpteenth embrace that day and beckoned her towards her father. Only with a slight prod from her mother, did Azalea feel the impetus to leave and return to her expectant-looking father's side. James hugged her gently around the shoulders and Azalea smiled, but Lily's attention only remained on her daughter for so long since her son was now making his way to her after some prompting from James. She shared a similar moment with her son, hugging him tightly and wishing him nothing but love and the very best for their month-long stay with his dad. Harry promised to look after Azalea and that he'd try to enjoy his time away and to not think about his Mum and Uncle Sev too much; after which, Lily released him from their hug to return to James.
James guided Harry and Azalea over to the door through which they came, but before heading through, he paused in the frame and turned around to face Lily.
"Take care of yourself, Lily, and if you ever need anything—"
"—I'll see you in a month James," Lily said curtly. "And don't worry about me, I'm doing just fine."
James nodded. "Right—well, okay then. I'll be off."
"Alright." James made to leave. "And James?"
He stopped and threw her an odd look over his shoulder. "Yeah?"
Lily's gaze softened, a slight fluttering in her heart taking hold as she returned his look. "Take care of yourself."
"You too, Lily."
"You already said that," Lily pointed out, a hint of a smile playing at her lips.
"Yeah, I know, but there's no harm in saying it twice, is there?" he jested, throwing in a carefree shrug for good measure.
Lily quite nearly laughed, but didn't, instead settling for a slightly-wider smile as way of response.
There was a hint of his old longing shining in his hazel eyes, the earnest look he gave her was all too similar of the ones he sent her way when they started becoming friends in their sixth year. The fire and passion in his eyes had fizzled significantly, but it was still there. In time, Lily hoped that it would be gone entirely, and that James could move on from his fixation with her that'd lasted ever since their second year. After all, she was already quite invested in another possible relationship these days, and for his sake she hoped that James had moved on to a similar extent.
A few floo-jumps later, Lily was back at the reserve and tumbling out of the fireplace in Severus' office. To her surprise, Severus was waiting for her in the sitting room, she'd been expecting him to either be in his office, or out on the grounds conducting the medical checkups he claimed he had to do today, but instead he was just sat there in his chair with a notebook propped open on his lap. He lifted his gaze from said notebook as Lily stepped through the fireplace and cocked his head sideways in a silent question.
Lily knew Severus well enough to pre-empt him.
"I know what you're gonna ask, and yes, everything went well," Lily said swiftly, cutting across the question on his lips.
"No problems, then?" he inquired curiously.
Lily brushed some soot off her robes and made her way into the sitting room proper, then sat down in one of the chairs. "None at all. Although there were a few tears shed if you can call that a problem."
Severus set his notebook aside and arched a lone brow. "On who's part?"
Her lips twitched upwards into brief semblance of a smile. "Mine and Azalea's, Harry too but only a bit, he was very determined to be all brave and stoic throughout."
"I think he gets that from you."
Lily snorted. "I think from both of us."
Severus hummed, but Lily couldn't tell whether it was in agreement or dissent, either way she didn't care.
"So…what's the plan for the rest of the day, then?" she ventured, sitting up a little straighter.
"I completed the check-ups about a half-hour before you got back, so I'll be inside barring an emergency for the rest of the day," said Severus. "What do you want to do?"
Lily took quite some time to respond. At first, she only slumped back into her chair and sighed, letting her gaze drift upwards to the ceiling. "I don't know," she said at last. "Perhaps just a quiet day inside, I guess. I don't really feel like continuing any of my research right now. Though, is there anything you need help with?"
Severus shook his head firmly. "Unless there's an emergency, in which case one of the rangers will send me a Patronus or floo-call me, then no, no I won't need your help."
"Can you cast a Patronus?" Lily inquired curiously, sitting up straighter again.
For a brief moment, Severus blanched, but quickly masked his surprise with a look of nonchalance. "I can. Why do you ask?"
"Corporeal or non-corporeal?"
"What's that got to do with—"
"—Oh, c'mon Sev, I'm just being curious. Is it corporeal or non-corporeal?" Lily whinged. She sat upright and turned her earnest green eyes on his intently.
Severus actively staved off his blanch this time round, muttering; "Corporeal," under his breath.
Lily's smiled widened at that, and all of a sudden, she stood to her feet, brandishing her wand. "Well then, how about I show you my Patronus and you can show me yours?"
Severus, if it were at all possible, paled some more. He knew that his and Lily's patroni were carbon copies of one another's, rather, his was a copy of her's since she'd managed to cast one first back during their sixth-year charms class. Lily, being the charms genius that she was, knew full well what matching patroni meant, so there would be no confusion on her part when she'd see his patronus in a few short moments.
Brandishing her trusty, willow wand, she swung it in a wide arc in front of her while clearly annunciating; "Expecto Patronum."
A phantasmagorical, white light burst out of the tip of her wand, swirling about in a ball for a moment but not taking shape at all. Lily frowned, normally there was supposed to be—all of a sudden, the swirling ball of ethereal, white light began coalescing. Wings sprouted, tail feathers too, and from the sphere of brilliant light a raven took shape and soared around the room, coming to rest attentively at Lily's side. Lily couldn't rein in her gasp of shock, her eyes wide with surprise as the raven came to rest by her side, head held high, pitch-black eyes glittering intently on the man frozen in shock across from her. Lily's gaze drifted from her raven, standing there dutifully and proudly, to Severus, who by contrast was gobsmacked and dumbfounded by this wonderful revelation.
"I—I didn't…mine's never changed," Lily whispered, bringing her fingers down to trace over her raven's radiant head. "It…I'm not sure if you remember Sev…but it used to be a doe, my patronus."
"I remember," Severus murmured quietly.
He'd never cast a Patronus that wasn't a doe before, not once. He'd only mastered the spell after graduating, the first time he conjured a corporeal patronus it'd taken the form of a doe. Lily's raven had eyes just like his, narrow, onyx, and unfathomably deep. There was no mistaking it, the eyes of her raven were his, it was like looking in a mirror.
"Can you cast your patronus?"
Severus inhaled sharply and shut his eyes. He drew his wand from his robe pocket and without further delay he performed the incantation. A second, brilliant, white light shone out of the tip of his wand, swirling around in a mass of white light like Lily's before. It took far less time to coalesce though, a brilliant, spotted doe forming from the mass and leaping from the sphere of light around the room. Severus watched in wide-eyed wonder as the doe pranced around the room, entirely unaware of the little hitch of breath Lily betrayed as he trained his eyes on his doe. Dancing on nothing but air, the doe made a few loops of the room before coming to rest by his side, nuzzling her snout against Severus' palm.
"I—I should explain, that—"
"That's my patronus," Lily whispered, blinking owlishly as she trained her eyes intently on the elegant creature standing by Severus' side. Her raven flapped its wings and soared to the middle of the room, his doe coming forward to meet it halfway, the two patroni now face-to-face and staring intently at one another.
"Sev—I…that was my old patronus, you have my patronus." Lily was unable to keep the wonder she felt from her voice, she sounded on the verge of tears. Happy tears, Severus hoped.
"Far be it from me to assume," he muttered softly. "But I think you have mine as well."
Lily licked her lips and shut her eyes then, but still, the brilliant, ghostly glow from the patroni lit up her eye lids as she took in a sharp breath. "Yes, I think I do." She opened her eyes again, only to see the light fading as the patroni fizzled out. "Do you know what that means?"
Severus swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. "I—I do, yes."
The air between them thickened as green eyes trained themselves intently on the black. The stillness of the room only heightened their hyperawareness of the other, each subtle movement, each shallow breath, each drum of fingers against fabric. She pocketed her wand and breathed a nearly-silent exhale of what sounded like relief. Then, in purposeful, measured steps, she made her way towards him, and grasped his cool hands in her warm ones. Severus' breath hitched sharply as she brought his hand to her chest, just a little to the left of center, over where her heart would be. Then, bold as ever, she brought her other palm up and placed it flatly on his rapidly beating heart herself. If she noticed the ever-quickening beat of his heart, she chose not to mention it. She shut her eyes and allowed a small smile to tug at the corners of her lips. Severus didn't shut his eyes, keeping them focused on the serenity and contentment Lily allowed so freely on her features as her eyes shut. She'd never looked so at peace before, and Severus knew he'd be willing to do anything to keep that look of contented bliss on her face forever. When she reopened her eyes, they were shining brighter than the most brilliant emeralds, even more brightly than the eyes of his doe patronus, something he didn't think was possible until that very moment.
"Since you know what it means, I don't think I should waste any time lecturing you on the significance of it then, yes?" Lily asked in a low murmur, her eyes twinkling away fantastically.
Severus shook his head, but when he opened his lips to reply, his words crumbled to pieces on his tongue and he came up empty. Lily gave him an indulging smile and withdrew her hand from his chest, the removal of the warmth she bestowed upon him causing Severus to pout.
"You don't need to say anything, Sev, you've shown me all I need to know."
She'd dropped her hand from his chest to his side for only a moment, for now she was lifting it again past his chest and neck and up towards his cheek. Severus watched in stunned silence the entire time as it came to rest on his pale skin, her gentle touch returning warmth to his skin like a balmy summer's day. Through mind, body and soul, she warmed him beyond measure; nothing as yet in his life could compare. He found himself leaning into her palm devoid of any conscious thought, he hadn't even realized it until a low, gentle chuckle sounded out past Lily's lips snapped him back to the moment.
"I've wanted to know, so desperately, if there was a chance that I could fan the flames of the love I once held for you in my adolescence, and I now have my answer. You've shown me better than words ever could that you feel the same. She is brilliant, your doe, and it's proof enough that you've loved me from afar without any expectation of reward at the end of it all." She brushed her thumb across his cheek, his skin tingling and glowing in the aftermath as he expelled a long sigh. "My doe wouldn't have come to you after all if it were impure or otherwise tainted. And your raven coming to me…" she paused, swallowing thickly, "…is proof enough of what I feel being real."
Severus withdrew his palm from her chest and brought it up to her face, and as though she were made of fine porcelain, brushed her hair past her shoulder and brought his palm to rest on her cheek. Her smile told him his gesture was welcome and appreciated, and he found himself smiling too.
"And what do you feel?" Severus asked, finally un-jumbling his brain and finding his words again.
Lily opened her lips as if to reply, but seemingly thought better of it as she pursed them shut. Her fingers rose higher 'til her thumb rested against his cheekbone, Severus' cheek warming even more and that pleasant feeling of love and security returning ten-fold. With a gleam in her eye, she stood up on her toes, brought her thumb higher, and brushed her lips against his.
It wasn't much. Only a tentative brush of skin against skin, yet it rendered him utterly immobile. His lips remained sealed, and they're trembling, Lily notes, she pulled away sharply at that and trained her eyes intently on his. The pure anguish on his face broke her heart.
"Sev?"
"I didn't…I'd never thought…and now it's real—you're here," Severus murmured, wiping away at his tears with a swift swipe of his wrist. "I…I'm sorry…It's just that—I never expected—never hoped that you'd—"
"Shh…" her index finger on his lips silences him. "I know what you're going to say, and I think I know what you're feeling right now…but Sev…I am here, and I'm most definitely real. I am here, love, and I want you."
He knew better than to doubt her sincerity, her eyes wide open for his perusal, and the earnest tone with which she spoke should've been enough to solidify within his mind that Lily is ready, that she wants to move on, and she wants to move on with him. Yet there is still doubt, in spite of her obvious sincerity, her yearning for more than just a brief brush of lips; he still can't feel that this is some sick, twisted fantasy he'll be pulled from at any moment.
Severus swallowed thickly and drew away from Lily a step. "This is like…having my cake and eating it too—" he let out a choked laugh, a vain attempt to hide his tumultuous emotions. "—I've never had that before."
Lily grinned in response. "Well, I think you should get used to it," she said firmly, her features twisting in determination. "It's what you've deserved all along, and I feel as though it's high time things start going your way." She spoke with such confidence, such complete certainty of her own convictions that he can't disagree with her, not now. "So, what do you say? Do you want this with me?"
Severus can only nod, his hair now obscuring his face. When he glanced back up at her, the first thing he noticed was her green eyes trained intently on his black ones. Slowly, purposefully, her tongue lathered her lips; and at a measured gait she closed the distance between them. She came to a stop just in front of him, her whole-bodied attention fixed firmly on him. She peered at him intently, green eyes searching out the black, looking for a sign, just one would do, of if her advances are welcome. When he returned her gaze, she received her answer, her smile and twinkling eyes conveying her happiness.
Severus had a million chances to pull away, and he knew what was coming next, yet he didn't. He watched on in wide-eyed wonder as Lily leaned up on her toes, cupped the sallow skin of his cheeks in her palms, and pressed her full, red lips against his. For a moment he can only stop and stare, utterly broken and shattered with but a simple kiss. Pleasure has been a fickle friend of his for nearly the entirety of his life, but this, a simple kiss from the woman he's loved since he was a boy is enough to blow everything he's ever felt out of the water. For a long moment he's rendered helpless and immobile, unable to respond to the sudden influx of pleasure and desire that's radiating off of Lily in waves—even a blind man would've felt it. Lovely notes of jasmine, vanilla and citrus flood his nostrils en masse—it's intoxicating him, and all of a sudden, the floodgates are blown open and he needs more of her—of Lily, only Lily. He returns her kiss passionately, and she releases a muffled moan of contentment. He found he quite likes the sound of that. Still, it's obvious to Severus who the more experienced of the two of them is, and he's quite happy to let her lead for the time being, he'll follow along as far as he's comfortable.
His hands fall lower to her hips, grasping her through the fabric of her robes as if they belong there—he finds they fit perfectly and Lily sighed happily to accentuate the point. All the while, Lily's lips are moving softly against his, a gentle, coaxing motion, seeking to open him up to allow her in. As with most things, Severus doesn't deny her and parts his lips just a fraction, the promise of tasting her too much to resist. Just a sliver of separation is all she needs to slide her tongue in alongside his, flooding Severus' senses with all things Lily. Just as he indulges her request, deepening their kiss in turn and prodding his tongue past her heavenly-scented lips, she pulled away. Severus feels a brief surge of pride at the deep flush that has risen on Lily's cheeks and nose, but then realizes from his own heated face that she's elicited a similar, but even stronger reaction from him. Even more heat flooded his cheeks, and now he's sure he's as red as a cherry tomato. Lily seems to find it endearing in any case, if her bubbly laughter and beaming smile are anything to go by; a chaste kiss following it, full of promise, before pulling away. Her impish smile doesn't recede, only making him blush harder as her eyes pored over him. She doesn't tell him, but she likes seeing him blushing, knowing that she's the one responsible.
"I think we need to talk," Lily said simply, her impish smile supplanted by a genteel one.
Severus shared that sentiment so he gave her a ready nod. As fate would have it, the moment was broken when a rabbit patronus belonging to one of his rangers burst through the wall. Sighing, Severus stood to his feet to attend to the problem. He threw Lily an apologetic look, but before she could say anything in response, he spun on the spot and apparated away with a pop. As Severus apparated away, Lily could only sigh and shake her head to the emptiness of the room, already missing and mourning the loss of his lips pressed against her's.
They would come good on that promise later in the day after a sumptuous dinner prepared by Poesy. Though they silently both hoped that there'd be plenty more kissing involved rather than just talking. Now sat out on the front porch nursing glasses of brandy, the talk they'd been side-tracked from earlier in the day. Lily brought her glass to her lips, relishing in the burn of the liquid down her throat as she swallowed. She then set the glass down and turned towards Severus, who'd been staring at her as he sipped from his own glass.
"The failings of my last relationship make it quite clear that we should always strive to be open and honest with one another," Lily said quietly, but earnestly. "So, I think we should start off by perhaps…airing any grievances we have, or sharing some things we've been keeping secret from one another—don't pretend you're not, we both know that's not the case Severus."
Severus sighed softly and took another swig of his brandy, licking his lips and then setting his glass down. "I wasn't going to deny it," he rebutted. "But I was going to say there's a lot you don't know about me, so I wanted to know what you want to start with."
Lily licked her lips in anticipation, then cocked her head ever so slightly to the side. "I think that decision should rest with you, shouldn't it? You're the one that'll be divulging secrets, and when it's my turn, I'll decide what's appropriate."
Fair enough, Severus said with a nod.
"Alright then, I suppose I should start things off when it all went bad for us the first time around," he said quietly.
Lily nodded earnestly, then, reached across the divide between them and rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb. Her touch filled him with more courage than brandy ever could, her small but true smile doing much the same. Severus drew in a deep breath, calming himself and raising his confidence, before beginning his tale.
"After our…well, when I tried to apologize to you…my new goal was to cement myself within my group. Malfoy's group," Severus said softly, speaking with what Lily thought sounded like regret. "I was…I was on thin ice as it was in fifth year. Mulciber and Rosier thought that…I was too soft, too much of a pansy to actually dole out curses like they were doing. Sure, I laughed and I called people mudblood, but when push came to shove and it was time to actually curse and harm people, I never followed through…"
"I know that," said Lily. "Out of all the complaints I've heard when I was Head Girl, never once have I heard you hexing another student just for fun, well, except the Marauders that is but that's understandable." She gave a light chuckle and an indulgent smile. "In any case, I knew you were still running in those circles, but never did hear a word about you hexing for fun, as I said.
Severus flashed her a wisp of a smile in return. "But as it was, I was on thin ice since I wasn't proactive enough within the group. So…after I left the tower, I went back to the dungeons trying to think of ways I could become more prominent…so I wouldn't always be on the proverbial chopping block." He swallowed thickly then and gave a visible shudder. "When I went back to the dungeons, Rosier told me that they were kicking me out of the group. Apparently, my performance at the lake was…abysmal. I'd been caught off guard and made a fool of by a bunch of Gryffindors. And the fact that I couldn't fight back, forget that it was four-on-one, was enough reason for them to cut me out of the group and leave me to fend for myself."
"But you fended for yourself anyways," Lily pointed out. "I mean…whenever James and his mates went after you and hexed you, you were always by yourself. I can't remember a single time that Avery or Mulciber ever came to help you out."
"They never helped me against Potter and Black, true," Severus acquiesced. "But they supported me within Slytherin."
Lily's furrowed brows told Severus that she was still skeptical of his claim, but she was considerate enough not to lend voice to said skepticism.
"I—um, so after that happened, after they kicked me out. I got low, and I…I wasn't really sure of what to do any more. The sixteen-year-old me believed that the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord were my one path to greatness, and I'd been juiced up with propaganda and house pride all the way. So, to have that taken away from me…I got low, and for a time, I even contemplated…ending my life."
Lily's breath hitched and her pupils widened massively in alarm. Without so much as a word, she scooted closer to him and kissed him on the lips, the aftertaste of brandy still present on her lips, along with the familiar notes of citrus, vanilla and jasmine from their first kiss. Under her ministrations, Severus parted his lips and she wasted no time taking advantage of the opportunity she was presented, delving into his mouth and furthering their kiss. He hummed in contentment and brought his hand to her side. He slid out his tongue in turn and tasted her, striving to return her enthusiasm and passion as best he could, lest Lily run away with complete control.
Her breath was heavy when she pulled away, her eyes shining with sympathy. "But you're alright now, right?" she murmured softly, still close enough that he could smell the heady waves of brandy radiating off of her.
"I have been for quite some time, please don't worry about that," Severus remarked with a light-hearted chuckle. "I mean…I appreciate the concern, I really do. And if you choose to express your concern over my well-being with kisses like that, far be it from me to stop you."
Lily couldn't resist smiling then.
"But I truly am alright Lily, I am. I've…believe me when I say I haven't felt like that in a very long time."
Lily shut her eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. She kissed him again then, chaste and sweet, before pulling away.
"I—um, so I was in a bad place. And I was at a loss over what to do next. I'd lost you, and I'd lost my dream of becoming a death eater, which at the time were the two things I cared most about. So I briefly entertained the notion of ending it all, because I—I didn't see anything worth fighting for any longer."
"But Sev, surely there were other things going for you that you could've pursued. You had stellar marks in Care of Magical Creatures, and don't get me started on your prowess in potions and—"
"That wasn't the only reason my sixteen-year-old self thought it might be a good idea to die," Severus said harshly, cutting across her. "I was also tired, Lily, tired of fighting and tired of just…living in my fucking, miserable life. Without the Death Eaters, I couldn't think of a way I could escape Spinner's End, and escape my circumstance. I wanted out, and I was just…so sick of having to fight and claw for everything I wanted every day. I hated myself, and I hated my life." He flashed her a meaningful look. "I trust you know what that's like yourself, don't you?"
Lily nodded mutedly, for there was no use in lying. She knew all about what it was like to lose the will to fight, that sudden urge to throw in the towel and be free of pain and suffering.
"So, for a time I thought killing myself would be rather nice," his voice cold and emotionless. "I'd get to see my mother again…and since I wasn't a death eater, hopefully I'd be admitted through the pearly-white gates of heaven rather than the depths of hell. But then my suicidal thoughts ceased one day when Lucius invited me to his manor."
Lily's eyes widened in surprise. She knew that for about a month between their fifth and sixth year, Severus had left Cokeworth and was nowhere to be found. She knew he'd gone missing one day simply because he no longer showed up at the park they both frequented during their pre-Hogwarts years. Now she knew that the place he'd gone to for that month was Malfoy Manor.
"Malfoy is rotting in Azkaban was we speak," Lily said, a hint of triumph in her voice. She loathed that smarmy, evil prick.
"Yeah, I know that," said Severus, his head still hung low. "I imagine he isn't all that happy about that; but in any case, the summer before our NEWT years, he helped me out by vouching for me and convincing Mulciber and Avery to allow me back into the group. So with that, and my potential path to becoming a Death Eater open again, my suicidal thoughts ceased as I now had a goal to strive towards," he explained.
Loathe as she was to admit it, she couldn't deny the fact that Malfoy quite possibly saved his life. "Malfoy saved your life then."
"Inadvertently, but he may very well have," Severus said glumly.
The urge to say something cutting about Malfoy isn't there for Lily, not this time. She hated Malfoy with a burning passion, but in this present moment, she grants him just a little gratitude for helping Severus, sort of, just this once.
"That's about all there is to it, for that segment of my life at least," said Severus.
Lily shut her eyes and released a soft exhale. "I guess it's my turn then."
Severus set his glass aside and turned to face her fully, a look of concentration on his face as he gave her his undivided attention.
"There's some things from the war…that I don't think I've told you about yet," Lily began, sounding trepidatious. "You remember me telling you about Samuel Avery, right?"
"And how he defected after the Dark Lord killed his fiancee?"
"Yeah," Lily murmured. "He and I…we spoke a few times over the course of the war. Not much, to be honest, since his spying duties meant he mostly reported to Albus directly and didn't speak to much of anyone else…but we got talking about a lot of things…and one of the main things that came up was you."
Severus blinked slowly in surprise; his eyes owlishly wide. "Why me?"
Lily finally turned to look at him then, wearing a gentle smile. "You, Sev, were one of the few things we had in common," she said, pointing at him with an outstretched finger. "But yeah…Sam wasn't that bad, and the two of us talked some over drinks. Most of the rest of the Order still didn't trust him all that much…so adjusting to being a spy for our side, among people that hate you was difficult for an ex-death eater…I wanted to make it a little easier, y'know? To be a friendly face."
"No, I imagine it isn't," Severus agreed. "So…you got talking with Sam then…"
"Mainly about you, and—uh, about our perceptions of you," said Lily. "You practically vanished off the face of the earth when school ended, Sev, needless to say you confused a lot of people with your sudden disappearance, me included."
"That was what I had in mind," Severus said with a hint of superiority. "I can hardly imagine that a bunch of snobbish, pureblood death eaters would have any concept of how a muggle airplane works, after all."
Lily chuckled in agreement, the mere thought of a herd of death eaters trying to navigate an airport terminal enough to bring hysterical tears to her eyes. "I can just picture it now," Lily laughed, all the while wiping tears from her eyes with her sleeve. "A bunch of death eaters in their stupid masks and robes trying to find their way around an airport terminal. O-oh my god, that'd be just too hysterical to watch!"
"Hence why I chose to leave England using Muggle transportation. They hadn't a hope of tracking me that way," Severus said smugly.
"Yeah, Avery said as much," Lily replied, her laughter beginning to subside. "He said that—uh, well he was in the thick of the Death Eaters then, and he claimed that Riddle wasn't happy that you'd snubbed them, but at the same time he wasn't all that stressed about hunting you down or trying to track you here."
"I knew that if I'd actually taken the mark and then bolted, he would care a whole lot more and would spare no expense in trying to find out which corner of the earth I'd disappeared to," Severus said sagely, showing that he'd left no stone unturned when it came to planning his rapid exodus of Britain.
Once their talk reached its conclusion, neither Severus nor Lily felt like watching a movie, so they headed upstairs to retire for the night. Reaching the top of the stairs, Severus walked Lily to her room and the two paused just outside said room as Lily whirled around to come face-to-face with him. Without any conscious thought and acting on pure instinct, Lily rose up on her toes and kissed Severus once more on the lips. Unlike earlier, he responded quickly, sliding a palm along her hip and pulling her closer, returning her affection with gusto as he parted his lips in silent invitation. Her scent flooded his senses—all smells he's associated over the past few months with Lily, but in the here and now it's so strong it threatens to overload him. Groaning softly at her heady scent, loving her careful, well-practiced ministrations, he parted his lips just enough for Lily to nip at his lower lip, startling him, but not deterring him in the least as he mimicked her actions mere seconds later. Severus drew away then, ending the kiss with a playful, precise nip of Lily's lower lip, one that left her pouting and yearning for more as he stepped back. Her needy visage falls soon after, though, replaced by a contented smile and sparkling eyes; he finds he loves that expression on her just as much—especially since he'd helped bring it forth.
"I think it's good we had that talk, and that I got to see your Patronus too," Lily said gently, still smiling up at Severus.
"I enjoyed it too," Severus said quickly, and when she raised her brows, he quickly added on; "n-not just the kisses, but the…talking too. I was…as surprised as you were that your patronus is seemingly mine now."
Lily's eyes glinted impishly as she reached for his hand, and like earlier, placed his palm over her heart. "I think it just reflects what I've been feeling in here," she said simply. "Patronuses can't lie after all…and I do think I'm beginning to feel something quite a bit stronger than friendship for you."
Severus' throat suddenly felt a whole lot drier than before. "W-well I don't think there's any use rehashing how I feel about you. I—erm, yeah—I'm really happy you think that way, Lily."
Lily drew away slightly and Severus' hand fell from her chest, but she still held his outstretched hand in-between her two own. She gave a gentle tug of his hand—a silent request for him to come in, but to her confusion, Severus didn't budge an inch.
"I—no, Lily, no. Not yet," Severus said swiftly, his head shaking in disapproval. "Maybe in the future, but I…I don't want to rush things and make a fool of myself."
Lily knew that pushing her point wouldn't get her anywhere, so she nodded in understanding. Even so, she still wore a slightly put-out look. "I understand Sev," she said knowingly. "Sometime soon, I hope? My bed is awfully large after all…and it could do with some warming," she added, a teasing smirk tugging at her lips.
Severus deigned her with a smile. "I'd like that. But for now…I just want us to take things slowly, if you're serious about us actually giving romance a—"
She cut him off with yet another kiss, and unlike before, she didn't draw away. Severus once again found himself drowning in the euphoric depths of her intoxicating scent. He felt as though it was too much, but at the same time not enough, and he wanted so much more of her, of his beautiful, incandescent Lily. Opening up to her in every sense of the word, and once again yielding control to Lily, he found himself being taken on a beautiful journey by his old friend—who he now hoped he could call her something more than that. Before they could get carried away however, they had the presence of mind about them to pull away, neither making an effort to disguise the deep-seated longing and need on their faces.
Severus took a step backwards out of the doorway, and Lily did the same in the opposite direction. "I'll be right here Sev, provided you'll have me, I have no intention of leaving anytime soon," she said with a soft smile.
He understood her words perfectly well.
Take your time, I'll be right here, and I'm looking forward to spending my future with you.
"Goodnight, Lily."
"G'night, Sev," Lily uttered in reply.
Severus' eyes softened in warmth, and with a ghost of a smile, he turned away from her and headed off down the hall to his own room.
A/N: Hope you all enjoyed the chapter!