A/N: This is just a heads up. There is a lot of swearing in this chapter.

Chapter 15: I'll Be Home For Christmas?

(Peter)

I held up a drachma coin and looked into the water of my cabin's fish head fountain. It had taken me awhile to calm down after the meeting from hell and then I had to convince myself to pick this damn coin up out of the fountain.

I knew what I was supposed to do, plot wise, but more than that, I knew I had to do this for myself. I needed to know, even though all I wanted to do was end this fucking day.

I reminded myself that no matter what happened next, I'd be able to sleep after. With that mildly encouraging thought, I jerked my arm forward and tossed the coin in. Quickly before I lost my nerve, I made a short prayer to Iris and then I said the magic words:

"Show me Mom in Queens, New York City, my world."

The mist around the falling water shimmered. I held my breath as an image began to form which meant I was holding my breath for a long ass time. It seemed to take forever for the image to come into focus. But that made sense, didn't it? The message was crossing dimensions or whatever.

I watched anxiously as the scene slowly appeared in front of me. I saw a polished wood floor, claustrophobic shelves piled high with more kitchen appliances, pillows, and random knickknacks than you could ever want. And a woman.

She had her back to me and was crouching by one of the slightly less packed shelves trying to fit even more stuff onto it. Still, even from this angle, I could tell that she was short, had messy dark hair, and was wearing a familiar blue polo shirt.

"Mom?"

The woman's head jerked up and she turned around.

Fuck yes!

It was her. It was really her. My mom, not Sally Jackson, was wearing her Bed, Bath, and Beyond shirt, looking half-asleep because she'd taken too many night-shifts this week because of course she had.

Mom rubbed her eyes and mumbled, "I must be falling asleep." Then she turned away from me.

Shit.

"Mom? Mom! Turn around. It's me, Peter," I said and I knew I sounded desperate. I was desperate.

Seeing her there after so long was like being hit with a fucking train. I hadn't seen or talked to my mom in months. I hadn't really believed I would get to see her tonight either, but now that she was in front of me, I had to talk to her. I just had to.

But instead of acknowledging me, my mom stood up and reached into her pocket.

"Goddamn it, Mom. I know you can hear me!" I shouted. "Turn! Around!"

Mom did turn around. With her phone to her ear, she said in an abstracted voice, "Hello? Peter, is that you?"

I blinked. Why was she talking to the phone when she could just…

Oh!

It had to be the mist. I guess the Iris message was making it? Since Sally Jackson had clear sight, I had forgotten about the mist for a second, but it was probably stopping my mom from seeing me and now it was trying to explain my disembodied voice.

"Hello?" she asked again. She sounded confused and her eyes seemed oddly unfocused.

I swallowed. My earlier panic was gone, but for some reason, my voice shook as I said, "Hey, Mom."

"Oh!" Her expression cleared and she looked like herself again. Thank god. "Peter! It really is you."

"Yeah, it's me." And it was really her. Mom.

I had tried calling my mom on the phone several times since I had come here, but I kept getting the robot message about her number being disconnected or no longer in service. I had had no luck when I tried the house phone or when I emailed her. And when I called Bed, Bath, and Beyond, the number had worked, but it was this world's Bed, Bath, and Beyond. They predictably and rather rudely informed me that Sarah Johnson did not work at their establishment.

It was at that point that I had decided that I wasn't going to be able to reach my mom from this world. But then I got the cabin fountain a few days ago and remembered that Iris messages were a thing. They were magic, so I had half-hoped that an Iris message might be able to reach across the dimensions and connect with my mom in the real world. I knew it was a long shot and until now, I had been preparing myself to be disappointed.

Thank god I was wrong.

"How are you?" Mom asked. "How's boarding school?"

"Boarding school?" I repeated.

"Oh right, they don't like us to call it that. How's your experiential home?"

My what?

"Is everything okay?" she pressed, "Your teachers, or no, your méntores, keep assuring me that you're doing well now and have made friends, but are you happy?"

"Uh…yeah?" I was so confused. This wasn't just a bit of mist. This was crazy. What the hell was she talking about? Had she not even realized I was gone?

Then she started crying, "It's so good to hear your voice. You haven't called in years."

I paled.

Years?

Fuck.

Fuck!

This was bad. This was real bad.

"Peter? Sea slug? You still there?"

I nodded and I had to force out the words, "Yeah. I'm here."

But she wasn't, not really, because this woman I was talking to wasn't my mom, at least not my real mom.

God damn it.

Of course, the Iris message hadn't understood me. Of course, this wasn't my real mom. Even though she looked like my mom and acted like my mom and she had called me by that embarrassing pet name and she was crying and…

Fucking God damn…Fuck!

The woman who looked like my mom had a watery smile on her face. "I hope that this means you'd be willing to visit sometime soon."

A visit?

"Maybe Christmas?" she added hopefully.

I said nothing.

I didn't want a goddamn visit. I wanted to go home. I wanted to talk to my real mom, not this alternative version who thought I hadn't called her in years.

After a bit, the woman asked, "What do you think, Peter? Would Christmas be okay or are you too busy with school or, I mean, your new home?"

"No. Christmas. Sounds good," I managed to say. Even though it was anything but good. It was a fucking nightmare.

"Alright. I'll let Michael know. This will be great. Peter…I…" She shook her head. "You just keep studying hard, okay?"

"Okay."

She looked past me and her eyes widened, "Shit. I mean, shoot. Peter, my manager's coming, so I have to go, sea slug. Love you. Call me again soon, alright?"

"I—"

An angry voice called out from off screen. "Sarah! What did I say about personal calls during work hours!"

Before I could say anything else, the woman hung up and somehow that stopped the Iris message too. The vision shimmered and faded.

I stared at the fountain water.

First, the Big House and now this? This was fucked up.

I missed my mom. I missed her more than I had ever missed anything in my entire life and I didn't appreciate being fucked with like this.

I hadn't liked the fact I couldn't reach my mom before, but it had at least made sense. Most phones don't have inter-dimensional calling and I hadn't thought I would reach a version of my mom from this world either.

Yes, this fanfic did take place in the US, but it was a fictional world with its own cast of characters for fuck's sake. I knew that the world would have the same important people in it, like the president or Bill Gates, but I hadn't expected it to include relative nobodies like my friends, or my mom. But my mom was here or at least a woman, who was called Sarah, looked like my mom, acted like my mom, worked at the Queens Bed, Bath and Beyond and was married to my step-father, was here.

It was fucked up and confusing. What was I supposed to make of this? It threw off everything I thought I knew about this world.

Up until now I had thought that this was an isekai type situation. I was in another world. I was temporarily here until the plot finished like Narnia, Familiar of Zero, or countless fanfics. But now…I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

What exactly had happened to me before I awoke in Camp Half-Blood? Why was I here? Why did this world have a version of my mom in it? Did that mean there was another me in this world as well? Or was it like the Wizard of Oz movie? Was I actually just asleep somehow dreaming all this like in a coma? But why would I dream that scene in the Big House? Or Miss Sunshine? Or any of it?

What if it wasn't a dream and I was just dead? What if this was hell? What if…

What if I never got to go home?[1]

"Argh!" I shouted and punched the stone fish.

It was a mistake. It hurt like hell.

"Fuck!" I yelled, cradling my hand.

I was crying now.

"God Fucking Damn it."

"You should really stop swearing," an annoying voice said from the doorway.

"And you should learn how to fucking knock!" I snapped. Even before I turned around, I knew who it was: Andromeda Fucking Sunshine. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked, now facing her. "Were you raised in a fucking barn?"

Instead of answering my question or sniffing with disapproval at my "language", the Sue just looked concerned. Her perfect little Mary Sue eyebrows were all scrunched up. "Oh, Peter, you're crying. Are you okay?"

I laughed, wiping some tears off my face. Was I okay? "No, I'm not fucking okay," I shouted at her. "Go the fuck away. I'm not—Get away from me!"

I backed up and bumped against the fountain as the Mary Sue quickly came forward with her arms outstretched. Before I could stop her, she wrapped me up in a hug.

I tried to pull away, but Miss Sunshine squeezed me tight and smashed my face against her boobs, saying, "I'm so sorry Peter. I had no idea that underneath your tough and ill-mannered exterior was a sad and sensitive soul, but it'll be okay, Peter. You'll be okay."

I screamed, but the sound was swallowed up into the void that was the Mary Sue's cleavage.

"Shush. There now. Rest easy on my bosoms," she cooed softly, petting my hair as I struggled against her. "I'm about to turn that frown upside down."

That might have made me laugh again if I wasn't so god damn angry and if, you know, I wasn't being fucking crushed against the Mary Sue's big boobs!

Instead, I continued to fight against her herculean strength and regretted all my life choices, while she murmured softly, "I talked with Grover and he has graciously volunteered to give up his spot so that you can join the quest. Isn't that just the peachiest? I know that quests can be dangerous, but I'll be right there with you. And I promised a quest will be just the thing to heal what ails you. It'll cheer you right up and increase your self-worth. Plus, we'll become even closer friends and you'll bond with other people too. It'll be the funest, most fulfilling, most spinetinglingly thrilling thing ever and that's the gospel truth, Peter. I swear it upon all the gods of this earth, you won't regret coming. So, you are coming, right? You're going to come with me on the quest and help me find Artemis and save the day, right? Right~?"

Why was she even asking?

Of course, I was coming.

How could I not when Andi sounded so sure? It would be an honor to go with her on this quest. I wouldn't have to worry about a thing with her around. She would protect me and be a better hero than Percy Jackson had ever been because Andi was a beautiful, well-rounded, interesting, attractive, inspiring, heroic, amazing, generous, cheerful, kind, unique, strong, special, sweet, and perfectly perfect angel of a person who smelled like heaven and was my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

I blinked.

What the fuck?

What the FUCK?

No!

NO!

With great shove, I pushed the Mary Sue away.

She stumbled back.

I stood up and glowered at her shocked expression.

What the actual fuck had I just been thinking?[2]

After a couple days of being civil to her, I was already succumbing to her sueiness and this fanfic's fucked up rules. Well, I wasn't fucking having it.

Today, I had had the three most fucked up conversations I had ever had in my life and it was all because of this fucking Mary Sue. Without her and her fucking fic, I'd be home with my real mom. Save that, I'd at least have Percy.

Because of her, I was stuck here in this fucking shithole of a story.

"Peter?" She reached out to me.

I slapped her hand away. "Don't you fucking touch me," I snarled. I was not going to be fucking bewitched by this Mary Sue again.

The Sue recoiled, and said in a small tinny voice, "But why? I thought we were friends. And friends—"

"We're not fucking friends!" I snapped. "We will never be friends!"

"But—"

"And I don't want to go on the fucking quest with you. So, get the fuck out. Now!"

The Mary Sue didn't move. She stared at me, seeming to not understand my words.

"I said: LEAVE!" I bellowed at her. "How many times do I have to fucking tell you to leave me the fuck alone, you crazy bitch. FUCK. OFF."

The Mary Sue began to cry.

I didn't fucking care.

When she turned away and ran out of the room crying her stupid ass Hollywood tears, I made sure to slam the cabin door shut behind her.

Then I stood there and glowered at the close door.

The Sue was gone, but not really, because she was still alive and well.

So, I was still fucked. Stuck in this shit world. And forced to go with the Mary Sue on a deadly fucked-up fanfic adventure, just so I could see my real mom again.

God Fucking Damn it.

I just wanted to go home.

Footnotes

[1] Although isekai was a somewhat familiar concept back in the old days of the early 2010s, I don't think "isekai death by truck-kun" was a widely accepted idea when this fic came out. Hence why him being dead was not the first thing that came to Peter's mind as an explanation for his predicament.

[2] What indeed? More on this later.