Thirty-eight.

Noah was utterly floored when, instead of heading to the Subway entrance, Sarah led him to a black Lincoln town car piloted by a formally-dressed chauffeur. When he spotted the duo in the rear view mirror, he greeted them with a businesslike smile and hurried to open the back passenger door.

"Sare Bear? What we doin?"

"We have to pick up a big box of bridesmaids presents and drop them off at my apartment then we shall go eat and drink and buy you some stuff."

Always one to be flexible, Noah replied with a cheerful "kay" and moved on to more important matters. "I need a compass."

"A compass? Like, to draw circles?"

"Yep."

"Alright. We'll get you one. Um...why?" Sarah reached over and secured Noah's seat belt. "If you're not buckled in your parents will never let me see you again."

Noah let out an exasperated sigh,"Sare Bear! You always say dat but it's not true!"

"Figure of speech, Noey. Figures of speech make a point, but they're not aaaaactually true. Like...when I say I'm so hungry I could eat an entire pig."

Noah giggled.

"That figure of speech is called hyperbole...I think…anyway, why do you need a compass?"

"For prac-tis," Noah explained, "We were usin' 'em in math and it was hard! So I need one so tomorrow I can make really good circles with just one hand like da teacher!"

"Then we shall buy you the finest compass in Manhattan."

….

Olivia replied to the last of the emails for the day, uploaded a few documents to various databases, and sat back, satisfied at how much she'd accomplished. Hmm, she thought to herself, maybe a little desk duty isn't so bad after all. After a few minutes of basking in contented near-silence, she picked up the phone and called Ed.

He answered, but held the phone up to Maggie and Wyatt.

"Ma! Hi MA!

"Mamamamama!"

"Hell-lo sweet twins! Mommy misses you and I'll be home soon!"

"Does Mommy miss me?" Ed asked.

"She does. What are you doing?"

"We may have stopped for a cookie on the way back from the park."

"So fun."

"Yeah...everything alright?"

"Yes," Olivia replied, "Just checking in...I wrapped things up here and...I dare say, I'm a little, ah, bored."

"Lieutenant," Ed teased, "I don't believe I've ever heard you say that word before in my life."

"Certainly don't use it very often." Olivia pictured Ed sitting outside of the bakery on a bench with the twins, cookie crumbs ringing their mouths, sitting in the stroller. "I think...I'll be here another twenty minutes or so and I'll head home."

"Want us to come pick you up?"

"No...that's really out of your way. I won't be long."

"Can we at least get ya a cookie?"

"Absolutely. I love you."

"I love you." Ed held out the phone again and prompted the twins, "Maggs, Wyatt, tell Mommy you love her."

"LOVEOOOO MAMA!

"OOOOOO!"

Olivia still wore the silly smile when Carisi and Rollins bounded into the office. They were trailed by a less-enthusiastic Fin. Fletcher, as usual, was either buzzing around the precinct or around Manhattan, zealously pursuing leads and looking to close cases. He rarely sat still, which was a plus. He got on everyone's nerves, but, deep down, Olivia loved him. Fletcher had a sycophantic relationship with his boss and wanted desperately to please her.

"Thought we'd cut out a little early, Lieu," Carisi said, trying a little too hard to downplay the familial relationship between the two of them, "And go grab a drink. Like the good old days. You interested?"

"No thank you. I have a cookie and, I'm sure, a glass of wine waiting for me at home. Have fun."

Fin dawdled, but Carisi and Rollins left as quickly as they'd entered. Olivia saw them on the way out. Someone must have made a joke and they doubled over in laughter. Rollins playfully shoved Carisi by cupping the back of his head.

Olivia mumbled "have fun" to Fin. He rolled his eyes and hurried to catch the elevator. Olivia collected her things and tried not to read too much into what she'd witnessed.

….

Olivia left the hospital first, leaving Fin and Carisi there to entertain Rollins who was out of the woods and starting to go a little stir crazy. She called her new Sergeant to make sure Mike had actually heeded her advice and gone home or at least gone somewhere that wasn't the precinct. He didn't pick up but texted back a few minutes later informing her he had followed orders and was no longer at his desk. Benson asked no more questions.

Next, she checked in with Lucy. The nanny reported Noah was fed, bathed, and had been asleep for a half hour. "I'm surprised to hear from you so soon," Lucy said, "I thought, by the sound of your voice, you'd be late."

Olivia paused and bit her lip. The race against the clock to find Lily Evans and then her murderer had taken its toll. She was exhausted but also in need of some decompressing...and she wanted to decompress with Tucker. Sitting at a bar with him, making small talk, sipping bourbon, and low-key flirting, was surprisingly soothing. She flipped her phone around and around in her hand, debating whether to call or text. She decided to call. If he had to decline for some reason, at least she could hear his voice.

That. Voice.

He picked up and, instead of hello, said, "Benson" as if he'd been expecting her call.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Busy?"

"Not particularly."

"Drink?"

"Sure. Where?"

"The place last time was good."

"Alright. Gimme about fifteen minutes."

The pub was typical of many older west side bars. Narrow, dark, devoid of any frills, and, on any given night, depending on the games on television, either packed or pathetically vacant. On this particular evening, the crowd was thin but loud enough to provide some welcome white noise in case there were lulls in the conversation. Olivia arrived first, ordered Ed's usual neat bourbon and a Jameson's with a bit of ice for herself.

With each clang of the door opening and closing, Olivia jerked her head anxiously toward the entrance. She and Ed hadn't seen each other in a week and she was suddenly very excited to see him. When he finally arrived, his appearance didn't disappoint. He was wearing a lightweight, military-style black jacket over a black polo and well-worn jeans with leather boots. Olivia would later learn the boots were among the only articles of clothing he considered off-limits to any type of purging.

"Hey," he greeted her casually and took a seat. They were still not sure about how to say hello and goodbye to one another even though they'd shared several mostly-chaste kisses. He leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Glad ya called. I was bored."

"Well, in that case, I'm glad you were bored."

"Thanks for this," Ed tilted his glass toward hers, "Cheers."

"Cheers."

They maintained eye contact during the sip.

"Tough one, huh?"

Olivia groaned. "Extremely. Welcome to the squad, Dodds."

"He alright?"

Olivia grinned. "Did you forget to add the 'not that I care' to the question?"

Ed chuckled and appeared a little embarrassed. Olivia wasn't letting him off the hook for his unforgiving demeanor so easily. At least now they could joke about it, and he did kind of like it when she teased him. "I guess I did," he retorted with a smirk. "But, seriously, it's gotta be tough...coming from any other unit to yours. I couldn't do it. Most people couldn't."

Olivia shrugged off the compliment, "Well, the problem is, with Dodds, is that he's not going to admit it's too much. He'll keep going, tough it out, and that, well, you can't fake it in SVU. You have to...dig deep and have a thick skin but also vast reserves of empathy…"

Ed took her hand in his and ran the pad of his thumb over her knuckles. "I never understood SVU," he said, "I mean, um, obviously, I get it, but I don't get it like you and everyone else. It's too hard for most people. For almost all people. I think...well..that's part of the reason I always went after ya so hard...or, at least, a mitigating reason-"

Olivia put her other hand on top of his. "-You don't have to explain yourself," she said.

"I think about it though. Dissect the interviews. Cringe."

Olivia didn't think much about the Tucker interrogations. She didn't remember many, anyway. The ones that stuck with her were more recent, more serious than Ed accusing Stabler of going overboard.

"I, um," Olivia pulled away from him and looked around, buying time, for she was about to place a whole bunch of trust in the man before her. "I want you to know...I, um, I never felt like you were being condescending or inappropriately zealous...in the past couple of years...with...everything."

Ed took another drink and swallowed hard. "These past couple a years were hard."

"Understatement."

"No," he said, "I know they were...prolly no words for how they were for you. But, Olivia Benson, I've seen so many cops with vices, some many incurable personality flaws or traits or quirks. And, I guess, with you? My number one puzzle? It was I knew I could never save you from your heart. You have...the biggest, warmest heart I've ever seen. It drove you. The goodness in you... And, to see that...that life kinda go away for a little while…" Ed trailed off and stared into his drink before downing the rest of it. "Sorry," he muttered. "I don't really have the right to say any of that."

Olivia collected herself. She took deep breaths. Sipped the Jameson's. Stared straight ahead at the liquor bottles. Ed Tucker had never been more raw, more transparent, and it was baffling, admirable, and intriguing all at the same time. "You may know me better than I know myself," she half-whispered.

"I've been around a few cops…"

The bartender approached, and his gruff "another round?" startled both Ed and Olivia.

"Please," Olivia said.

The interruption provided the perfect segue into less serious topics, but he was unable to take advantage of it. Ed breathed a sigh of relief which he thought was unnoticeable but Olivia raised her eyebrows in response. He looked back at her apologetically. He started to say "sorry" but Olivia stopped him with a quick, slightly awkward hug.

"Thank you," she said, "Thank you for being so...brave...to say all that."

"I just wanna make real sure we're on the same page here."

"What page is that?"

He smirked and, once again, grabbed her hand. "I care about you, Olivia. I don't think that's a secret, but I have to say it. I think we're past everything...from years ago...but that doesn't mean it's forgotten, but I also wanna...start fresh too, if that makes any sense?"

"It does."

He grinned, "I guess, uh, if you were lookin to blow off some steam this wasn't exactly what you needed." His breath caught in his throat as he saw her raise one eyebrow and lean in, this time, for a kiss. Ed made the kiss last as long as possible by puckering his lips and Olivia grinned approvingly, even as she pulled away.

"I need nights like these," she said.

Ed partially choked down another sip. Hidden in that statement was an "I need you." She didn't say it, but he knew it. Olivia Benson, somehow, felt like she needed him. It was an honor of the highest order.

"Like I said before," he replied, trying his best to remain nonchalant. "Just glad you called me."

Olivia leaned forward on her elbows and smiled. "Good talk, Tucker."

"Yeah. Maybe, one a these nights, we'll talk about...weather or somethin."

"Weather?"

"Ya know," he shrugged, "Somethin' that doesn't matter."

"I don't know if that really fits our MO."

"We have an MO?"

"I think we do."

…..

The driver offered to assist Sarah with the large boxes, but he was beaten to the punch by her doorman. He loaded the packages onto a dolly and used the freight elevator to deliver them to the apartment. Sarah stopped at the mailboxes and sifted through a fistful of envelopes and circulars, half of which she handed off to Noah for deposit in the recycling bin.

"I don't know why we even get mail anymore," Sarah muttered.

"People like ta get letters!" Noah said. "And boxes!"

"Well, boxes are fun deliveries. And these are bills or other boring stuff, not letters."

"We haveta have da mail, Sare Bear."

"Okay Noey." She mussed his hair and slammed the box shut. "Let's go. I can't wait to see what you think about what I'm giving the bridesmaids."

Noah whirled around on his heel a couple of times and staggered backwards into another resident coming to check her box. It was G.

"Whoops!" Noah giggled and then turned gravely serious when he saw the brace on G's leg. "You got hurt, G!"

"Yeah," she grumbled.

"What happened?" Sarah rushed toward her so quickly the neighbor flinched.

"So embarrassing," G mumbled, "I was taking an old table downstairs and and I totally bit it on a pallet, caught myself, and twisted my knee."

"Did you tear something?"

"I don't know yet. MRI results next week."

Noah, his face scrunched up and full of concern, said, "You needta sit DOWN, G! You gotta bad knee!" He ran to elevator and pressed the button, "C'mon, lessgo." He stood in front of the door, keeping it open while G and Sarah made their way into the car.

At G's floor, Sarah said, "Let us help you get inside." She picked G's bags and proceeded ahead, not taking no for an answer.

Inside, Noah hesitated. He peered curiously into the apartment which was a carbon copy of Sarah's except G's was a one bedroom and had a smaller terrace. "Dis place has gray walls and Sare Bear and Justy have white walls! And your couch is PURPLE!" Noah kicked off his shoes and ran to the chunky three-cushion sofa. Then, remembering the reason they were there in the first place, Noah shot up and grabbed a throw pillow. "G, you sit here and put your foot here," he placed the pillow on the coffee table, "And Sare Bear you get G a snack and a drink."

Overwhelmed, G followed the orders without a word. Sarah dutifully went to the kitchen. "Alcohol or no alcohol?" She asked.

"I better not have any booze," G replied, "I'm on some pretty strong meds."

Sarah brought over a glass of ice water. "Want any food?"

"No thanks."

"We're gonna eat ta-qui-tos, G! And guac'mole!"

"Yum," she replied in an exhausted voice.

"I can bring you some food," Sarah said, "I probably won't be back for a few hours though. Want me to text ya?"

"Sure. Thanks."

"No problem. We'll get outta here."

Noah was still inspecting the brace. "You get ta take dis off ever?"

"Sure. When I got to sleep I'll take it off."

"C'mon, Noey. Let's let G rest."

"Kay!" Noah skipped toward the door and shoved his feet into his sneakers. "We'll text ya, G!"

Sarah and G both chuckled. Noah's casual, adult words delivered in his six-year-old little kid voice were always hilarious. Once inside Sarah's apartment, they opened the box and Sarah held up the main part of the bridesmaids gift-embroidered tote bags. Sarah explained she was going to stuff them with all kinds of goodies-perfume, lotion, and maybe some makeup.

Noah looked skeptical at first. "Dis for all da girls?"

"Yes."

"They gonna like it," he finally declared. "Girls like all dat stuff. Did you know small sister tries ta get Mommy's bottles and makeup in da bathroom? She always tries ta climb up and she gets the stuff!"

Sarah doubled over in laughter, thinking about the bottle of lube. Oblivious, Noah followed suit, laughing harder than required.

"Small sister," he sighed.

"Yeah," Sarah said, "Small sister…"

"Sare Bear you gotta give small sister a bag too."

"I will."

….

The doctor had delivered this type of news many times before, so, to Sarah, he sound bored and unsympathetic. She didn't ask questions and absorbed the news with a blank expression. It wasn't really news, anyway. A combination of gut feeling and Google searches had allowed her draw her own conclusion. Pregnancy, at least in the traditional sense, was not possible.

"In vitro?" She asked.

"I can give you a referral," he said, "But the key to in vitro is egg quality. And that's what's challenging us here."

Sarah collected her purse and her coat. "Well," she said slowly, "Thank you. For your time."

"Call me if you have any questions, Sarah."

"I will."

Before walking out into the blustery December day, Sarah bundled up in her coat, scarf, and gloves. Though it was late afternoon and daylight was quickly fading, she put on her sunglasses, adding an extra layer of protection against strangers' eyes. Sarah had never felt more dejected, more worthless, in her entire life. She gripped her phone inside of a pocket, knowing she had to call Justin, but she couldn't bring herself to make the call right away. Telling him would make it real. At the moment, she was in a fog. Earlier, before she left home that morning, she'd insisted that Justin go to work instead of accompanying her to the appointment, and she had made the right decision. Solution-oriented Justin's optimism would have been irritating. Sarah knew she would want to be alone for a while and let herself be sad.

At a light, she looked down at her feet. Expensive heels. Her suit cost more than most people made in a paycheck. The entire ensemble, including the matching Burberry trench-scarf-glove combo amounted to well over three thousand dollars. Ahead, on the next block, was a bar she frequented, and Sarah planned to spend the rest of the afternoon hours there. She would order a steak, run up a huge tab, blow off work because she'd been promoted over and over again and could pretty much do whatever she wanted.

Except have a baby.

The one thing Sarah wanted would not, or, most likely could not happen. She thought about Noah, Maggie, and Wyatt and how she'd so outrageously spoiled the trio that Brooke enacted a limit on the amount she was allowed to spend on Sofia. Sarah took a deep, cleansing breath and crossed the street and waxed philosophical to herself for a few seconds. Maybe her Dad was given Olivia and Noah and the twins so she could have a little piece of motherhood.

….

Ed and Olivia "flew" Maggie and Wyatt at Noah for goodnight kisses. Noah barely noticed the intrusion, for he was concentrating on drawing circles with his new compass. Spread out before him were multiple sheets of plain white paper showing his progress from wobbly, unfinished versions to where he was now. Tongue wedged in one corner of his mouth, he was attempting to create a circle using the one-handed swoop of his teacher.

"NO!" Wyatt bopped his brother on the head. Noah looked up and Ed lowered Wyatt, upside down, in front of Noah's face. "Uppidedown, NO!"

"Night, night, Wyatt," Noah said. He looked up and waited for Maggie. "Night, night, Maggs."

"Stoey, No!"

"Arready had your stories, small sister! And I'm workin' right now!"

Olivia leaned down and kissed the top of Noah's head. "Alright, sweet twins, time for bed." Maggie contorted her body, desperately trying to get down, but Olivia responded by holding her more tightly. "Sweet girl, MWAH! Gotcha!"

Maggie grinned, kissed Olivia, and copied the "MWAH!"

Ed smiled and followed the pair to the twins' room. He tucked Wyatt in and flipped on the planetarium projector. Wyatt popped his Wubbanub in his mouth, he now only used it at bedtime, and curled up under his blanket. Maggie twice tried to get one of her parents to pick her up, but they only laid her back down. On the third try, she complied and sweetly cuddled her baby.

"Night, night Maggie May."

"Stah! Dada, Stah!"

"Yes, sweetheart. Lotsa stars. Close those pretty eyes of yours. I love you."

"Oooooo, Dah!"

They left the door slightly ajar and reminded Noah of his final 30 minutes of awake time. He mumbled a "kay" but clearly had no intention of focusing attention on anyone else or anything other than the circles. Ed and Olivia retreated to the sofa with glasses of wine. They took their usual evening spots-Ed on the chaise end and Olivia reclined against him.

"You're going to think I'm crazy," Olivia said, "But...I have to tell you something. Something I saw today."

"Okay."

"I don't want you to get upset."

"I prolly won't."

Olivia chuckled. "Okay…" She described the exchange between Carisi and Rollins. "It was a couple of seconds, if I would've blinked I may have missed it. It's nothing, right?" She immediately sensed the story agitated her husband and placed a hand on his thigh. "Coworkers. Joking around."

"You ever find out if they slept together?"

"No."

"Think maybe you're readin' too much into it because Brooke's so off?"

"Very possible." Olivia tilted her head back, "I just want everyone happy. Like us."

Ed puffed out his chest. "Well, I don't know if that happy is possible for everyone."

"Oh, and I forgot to tell you, Sarah saw the, um," Olivia lowered her voice, "the bottle."

His body shook with silent laughter. "As soon as you sent her in there I thought about it. Then I thought...it looks pretty G-rated if you don't actually read the label, but I'm sure she read everything in there."

"Probably."

"We gonna need that bottle in a couple hours?"

"You know what?" Olivia kissed his face along his jawline. "Let's not."

Ed raised his eyebrows.

"I want...original us tonight."

"You, Olivia Margaret," Ed tapped her nose, "Get whatever you want." He peered over the back of the couch at Noah. "Ya know, he's so obsessed with that compass…"

"Ed!"

"Just sayin."

…

Forty blocks south, Sarah placed a dinner order, timing it so the food would arrive a few minutes after Justin returned from his shift. In recent weeks she had been dropping hints about his schedule. He could easily lose the two long shifts he worked on Mondays and Wednesdays. Sarah didn't want to force him into a different career, nor did she want to diminish the importance of his current job, but the hours were grueling and she didn't see the point in unnecessary self-torture.

Order placed, she grabbed a bottle of prosecco and went out to the terrace. It was a beautiful spring night. People milled about on the streets below, darting in and out of bodegas, cafes, and restaurants. She sat in one chair and propped her feet on the other. In a way, she wanted company. Sarah was not one to desire or value alone time. Yet, on the other hand, she was content in this partial solace. The pedestrian and traffic noise was soothing and pleasant. She thought about a handful of her closest coworkers who commuted from the suburbs every day. One lived fairly close to Angela's former house in Connecticut. Sarah grimaced-she saw herself neither as a suburban dweller nor as a thick-skinned commuter.

For fun, she priced houses on Zillow, but she was only halfway through photographs of a Victorian on Long Island Sound when Brooke's face popped on the screen.

"Hey Brookey," Sarah said, "What's up?"

"Are you aware Olivia told Sonny my marriage was in trouble?"

Sarah wasn't used to hearing such venom in her sister's voice. Reacting, she stiffened one leg and inadvertently propelled herself backwards.

"What the hell?" Brooke snapped at the commotion.

"Sorry, geez, I almost fell."

"Are you drunk?"

"Not at all." Sarah collected her glass and the bottle and went back inside. "Why do you think Livvie said that?"

"Because Sonny told me!"

"Huh?"

"He had this trip all planned...apparently Dad and Olivia are watching Sofia? So we can get away and reconnect." Brooke pronounced the last word slowly as if its meaning were completely anathema to her existence.

"A trip where?"

"Quebec."

"Well, I don't think that's such a terrible suggestion."

"She talked to Sonny! Behind my back. And criticized our marriage!"

Sarah could not believe what she was hearing. "She used those words?"

"I don't know, Sarah. I wasn't there."

"Brookey, I'm on your side, but...don't you think it might be better to talk to Olivia before you bend yourself really really far out of shape?"

Brooke released a violent, guttural groan. "My marriage is not her business."

"When has Livvie taken it upon herself to nose around in our business? I wish she would nose around in mine!"

"You are not helping."

"Okay, okay. Want me to talk to her? Is that it?"

"Yes."

"Someday you'll learn to be a little confrontational."

"Just...don't say I called you specifically for this…" Brooke paused, searching for the right words, but settled on, "You know what to do."

"That I do, Brookey," Sarah replied, "That I do."

…

On the nightstands, Ed's and Olivia's phones vibrated constantly for several minutes. When Olivia didn't pick up, Sarah called Ed. Then she called Olivia again. Then Ed. She repeated the cycle four times before giving up.

"How's original us, Liv?" Ed had Olivia pinned in the corner of the shower where she could prop one foot on the built-in stool. The water wasn't actually reaching much of their bodies, but they were engulfed in a cloud of flowery-scented, sensual steam.

"God, Ed, so perfect." Olivia's hands flew all over his head and back. The combination of his mouth on her neck and his precision in this position was making the formation of words increasingly difficult. "Oh, baby...Ohhhhhhhhhhh." She practically melted into his arms. He held her and continued. Emboldened by her reactions and proud of his stamina, he kept going for another minute or so.

Sated, they swayed in each other's arms under the pulsating water. Olivia nestled her head under his chin and hugged him tightly, noticing the muscles in his back, though firm and toned, were completely relaxed.

A few minutes later, Ed kissed her forehead and reached for the shampoo. He squeezed a healthy amount into his hand and massaged it into her head slowly, pausing every few seconds to kiss her on the neck or collarbone.

"You're so beautiful," he rasped.

"In house hair care," she sighed. "Does the trick."

"Not just your hair," he pressed his forehead against hers and stared into her eyes. "You're the most beautiful person, inside and out, I've ever seen."

Her tresses were nowhere near rinsed, but she kissed him anyway. Suds trailed down her face and transferred to his. Ed maneuvered them so they were fully underneath the spray and he kissed her until the shampoo was swirling at their feet.

…

#Tuckson