Chapter 22: I Wish Peter Was A Princess
(Andi)
"Andi!" Princess whined, "If we don't land right now, I swear I'm gonna crash! I'm hella tired, and hungry, and thirsty, and I need to go number 2 real bad!"
I looked over at Princess the Pegasus. I had done my best to support my noble steed with my wind powers, but it had been a long flight. Grover and the Hunters were asleep. I hadn't eaten anything besides Grover's supply of peanut butter lemon curd sandwiches all day and it was almost sunset.
I looked down. We'd passed Chicago a while ago. Now we were flying above Idaho? Ohio? Illinois? One of the countless I-states, who can keep track?[1] The road below was pretty empty looking but just ahead was a patch of water and some buildings. "There!" I pointed.
Princess whinnied in pleasure and dove down like a spur-winged goose after seeing a tuber.[2]
"Wait!" I called after her.
Grover woke up and started screaming. Bianca joined in. Even Zoë let out a short cry of distress.
I sighed and flew down after them.
Princess slammed onto the ground and screamed, "Get off me! Now!" The Hunters and Grover rushed to obey. Then Princess galloped to the lake.
I touched down softly beside Zoë. She was looking around. "Where have you brought us Lady Andi?" she asked, calmly.
I smiled wanly and said knowledgeably, "The Sleepy Hollow RV Park & Campground." I had seen the sign as I had landed. I also found out we were in Iowa.
"Well done," she said, sagely. "Let us go to the lake. You and the Pegasus ought to rest awhile while food is found."
"I got more sandwiches," Grover said, disgustingly.
Zoë ignored him. "Bianca, we are going fowl hunting," she commanded.
"But…" Bianca whispered. She had been quiet, all ride. At least, I could say that she was improving.
"Come!" Zoë snapped. "We will see you later, Lady Andi."
I nodded solemnly before the two Hunters wandered off.[3] Then I turned to Grover. "Find a vending machine and get more food," I ordered, nicely.
"What!" he cried. "But…where would I find one? And what about money?"
I sighed again. This wouldn't be a problem if he had thought to get food while we were at the museum. Now, thanks to him and only him, our options were very limited. I pulled out a green card from my pocket and said, "Here. Don't lose it."
Grover goggled at the card. "You kept that?" he asked impressedly.
I frowned. "Yeah." For some reason, I had been the only one to think to keep my infinite money credit card from the Lotus Hotel.[4] Because I cared more about maintaining market equilibrium in the mortal world's diaphanous socioeconomic system to avoid the peccancies of hyperinflation than my own material gain, I only deign to use this blest card in the most dire of emergencies.[5] And today was totes an emergency. I was hungry enough to eat a goat.[6]
"Go on," I said to the satyr, shaking the card at his goatee. It was hard to hold onto it and Peter at the same time.
Grover took the card still in awe, but then he glanced at Peter. "Are you sure—" he began stupidly.
"Go Grover," I ordered, decisively, "Now!"
"Alright!" Grover whimpered. He scrambled away.
I made my way to the lake, making sure to stay far away from where Princess was powdering her nose. Then I put Peter in the water. Grover had once told me that he overheard Peter and Percy talk about water healing their wounds, so maybe it would help Peter now.
I looked down at Peter's frozen body. He looked like a weird wax statue, but at least, the expression on Peter's face was no longer a grimace of pain. I had fed him some nectar through his teeth and had deliberately flown through some clouds on the way here in the hopes they would help Peter. The clouds and nectar did help. He wasn't as stiff or angry looking, but he still hadn't woken up.
I sighed again and sat on the dirt land a bit away from him. I summon my mini master bolt and looked at it to confirm what I already knew.
My mini master bolt was very special. Most people assumed that it had like one setting but it actually had like a bazillion settings for all different kinds of scenarios and people.
- For me and Daddy, it was totally harmless.
- For most mortals, I had it set to sticks and stones.
- For Demi-gods and minor gods, it was set to pointy hot stick. It would give them a mild burn if I hit them, but it wasn't life-threatening.
- For major gods and titans, I had it set to French fry stick. As it was only a mini-bolt, I couldn't smite them, but it could inflict serious burns.
- For regular monsters, I usually had it set to regular smite stick.
- And, for undead monsters and a subset of mortals that would remain unnamed, I had it set to ash stick.[7] Because some things are so sinful and unnatural that they shouldn't leave a trace and then, there were the undead who I couldn't kill, so this was the next best method of attack.[8]
All these settings made my bolt really easy to use assuming you could speak lightning and air and had Daddy's blessing like I did. Earlier, I had changed the regular monster setting to stun stick, because Zoë hadn't wanted me to kill the ladybirds. By checking the settings now, I saw that it was still set to pointy hot stick for demi-gods and stun stick for monsters like I thought.
I frowned. Even if I had set it to stun stick for demi-gods, Peter should be up by now. I had used the solar hour stun stick setting on the ladybirds and it had been way longer than that.[9] If I hadn't checked Peter to make sure he was breathing earlier, I might have thought he had expired. Instead, he was…
I looked over at him hopefully. Peter had finally unfurled his body from that 'must avoid getting wet position' and was peacefully sleeping with the nice kind of fishes in the lake. The water had brought back more color to his features too.
I put away my mini-bolt and scooted closer to him. Then I tried to shake Peter awake. "Peter?" I asked. "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey?"
His eyes didn't open. He looked like Sleeping Beauty or maybe Snow White since he had dark hair. Maybe I should kiss him awake? I scooted even closer to the water and put his head on my lap. I could remember the first time I did this. I leaned forward, tense in case he tried to cough like last time, but he lay still, his beautiful lips plump and ready.
I licked my own lips. This, unfortunately, wasn't my first kiss because of all the things I had to do in my dark past, but it would probably be Peter's.[9] I felt nervous for him. What if he was a bad kisser? He would be so embarrassed.
I moved a few inches closer. Even if Peter was a bad kisser, I could teach him. Then we'd have another activity to do together as friends. He might even be so thankful that he'd forgive me for putting him in a coma.
A tear fell on Peter's face.
I had put Peter in a coma.
A second tear.
I had done a wicked thing and I didn't think I could undo it with a kiss. This wasn't a fairytale. Peter wasn't a princess. I didn't love him and he didn't love me. Not even a little. Sometimes, I wasn't even sure Peter liked me.
How could he like someone who put a person in a coma? That was the sort of thing evil queens and stepmoms did.
I let out a sob and cried out tragically, "I don't want to be a stepmom!" [11]
Someone put a hand on my shoulder.
"Ey, youngwan, story horse," said a beautifully accented baritone voice.[12]
I turned and found myself looking into a gorgeous set of baby blue eyes and a chin that could break through wood faster than a karate chop. My heart leaped and danced as wildly as a quirky girl who thought no one was watching her.
Gosh Golly Gee and a Pat Boone's Whitakers![13]
It wasn't Luke, but this person was almost as good. They were worth at least three and a half Nicos. And even better, they weren't alone![14]
Footnotes
[1] Andi is yet another victim of the US public school system and thus, sucks at geography.
[2] A spur-winged goose is a fast bird that hails from Africa. They like root vegetables aka tubers. Though why the goose would be able to see an underground vegetable while flying is a mystery to me. Maybe that's why they would be so excited to see one.
[3] See, what I tell you. Andi is basically over it.
[4] Seriously though, why don't people keep those cards?
[5] Basically, Andi doesn't want to break the economy by using her infinite money credit card all the time.
[6] I suspect Andi used goat instead of horse in respect for Princess who she values more than our poor goat-boy.
[7] I assume this means vaporize? Which is pretty dark considering that there's a set of people she'd consider doing this to.
[8] Who are these sinful and unnatural people? They are part of Andi's dark and tragic backstory, of course. It will be explained in more detail in a later chapter, but you can probably figure it out before then.
[9] A solar hour is basically an hour.
[10] See. Already another clue as to her backstory.
[11] But I guess Andi would be okay with being an evil queen?
[12] This translates to: Hey girl, what's going on?
[13] Pat Boone is a singer. One of his songs is Gee Whitakers!
[14] I can honestly say, you will never guess who these people are. So, in this instance, I ask you not to try. Shocking I know. You can thank my delta reader who claims to be overwhelmed by the number of laters in this fic.
A/N: I hope that was a fun chapter for you. How many of you thought Andi was going to go for that kiss? Were you disappointed or relieved?
Also, I want to thank everyone for putting in their guesses for New Moon so far in this fic. It's not required and I don't expect you to batman/sherlock your way to the answer. I just find it fun to ask and I hope you're having fun puzzling over the clues. As promised next chapter, I'll reveal another one of my incorrect guesses. See you then!