Trigger Warning: This chapter contains allusions to sex, possible rape, and gender politics. However, once again, we keep things PG-13 here.

Chapter 26: I Teach Zoë The True Meaning Of Maidenhood[1]

(Andi)

Our tour bus finally stopped when we reached YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK in Wyoming. I didn't know YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK was in Wyoming. I didn't even know there was a Wyoming. I always thought it was a made-up state name, like South Virginia or Arkansas but here we were in the home of Jogi Bear and Old Faithful.[2]

Westlife was popped to be here or at least Mark and Shane were.[3] Apian had slept in with Peter and Hicky was flat-faced, but I was enjoying the chirpy day.[4] The sun was shining down on the forest trees and green grass as I stood in front of the famous geyser.[5] I could not wait to see it go off again. Years ago, I had come here under very different circumstances, and seeing the geyser and hearing how reliable it was unlike everyone and everything else I'd ever met, had been a welcomed hug.

Even if I wanted to forget what happened before I saw Old Faithful for the first time, I was glad to return here. Mark and Shane wanted to go to a viewing area up the road, but I'd been there and done that so I opted to stay with Zoë, Grover, Bianca, and Hicky.

I looked on with awe as the ground shook and rumbled to finally release a gush of water and heat. A rainbow shined through the water as it came back down and I smiled. It was even more majestic than I remembered, but then, I frowned.

I had wanted to show Luke this place. We had talked about it, months ago. And Peter, he should be here viewing this view too. Nico might have liked to see this too.

I missed my friends, especially Luke. I wondered what he would say if he was with me now. Probably something super fruity and sagely like—

"Lady Andi, are you a virgin?"[6]

"What the what!" I squawked out in shock as I whirled around to gape at Zoë.

Had she really just said that?

Zoë looked uncomfortable. "I do not mean to pry."

"Then don't!" I snapped offendedly. "What sort of question is that? Are you a virgin, Zoë?"

Zoë's rosy cheeks turned red. "I…well…"

I eyed her hard.

"She's not prying, Ann-dye," Bianca lied, before turning to her banana kiwis leader and saying, "Zoë, Ann-dye obviously hasn't been listening."[7]

"My name, Bianca, is Andi, Lady Andi," I said impatiently.[8] "And what does listening have to do with anything? What possible reason could there be to ask a girl if she's a virgin?"

Beside me, Grover perked up. "I could thi—"

"Shush it, Grover," I said, automatically, still glaring at the Hunters.

"Lady Andi," Zoë began, apologetically. "Allow me to start from the beginning."

She wanted me to do more listening?

Uh-uh. No way. Not today. Zoë's exposition skills needed help with a capital H and I was not pink enough to give her a crash course right now. I looked for an alternative. Grover was Grover. Bianca was worse and Apian wasn't here.

I turned to Hicky and pointed at him. "You," I commanded, reasonably. "Explain."

"Westlife is going to Seattle after this, so we can't take you to SF," Hicky explained. "Luckily, all five Ceryneian Hinds are in this forest right now and they are super-duper fast and would make a great ride."

"Uh-huh," I said, following.

"Since Artemis is MIA, the easiest way to catch them according to Zoë is unicorn style, i.e., we need a virgin maiden as bait."

I looked over to the rest of the group. They were nodding.

"Yeah. Sure. I can dig all that," I said, understandably, "but why did you ask me to do the deed when we have two Hunters on our team?"

"Regretfully, Lady Andi, I am not…" Zoë started, but her words became too soft to hear.

"You're not…?" I prompted.

"…" Zoë murmured.

I frowned. Not even Nico could have heard that. "Can you give me an answer above a whisper?" I asked, precisely.

Zoë could not. I reluctantly turned to Nico's sister. "What about you, Bianca?"

Bianca loured at me and said vaguely, "I might look like I'm 12, but I spent over 60 years in the Lotus Hotel."[9]

"Bianca…" I said patiently, "that answer was off-topic. You should listen to the question before answering, okay? I'll rephrase—"

Bianca blushed at her mistake, but like a bad student she spoke before I could rephrase my question in simpler terms, saying rudely, "It wasn't off-topic, you blonde bimbo. I was being subtle."

"Bianca," I said, very patiently, "Insulting people and lying is no way to—"

"I'm not lying, ANN-DYE!"

"It's Andi, Bianca," I reminded her. One day she would see the light that was my name.

Bianca kept talking. Her voice was loud and fast. "I was at the Lotus Hotel for like a lifetime. I got bored, alright? So, I joined a fertility club. I lost my virginity decades ago. Same for Zoë. So, there!" [10]

I stared at her. Bianca, I could understand, but "Zoë joined a sex cult!"

Around us, a few heads turned and Zoë emitted a strangled sound.

"No!" Bianca cried out. "Gods, no. Ann-dye, get a freaking clue."

"I might if you were giving some out. I prefer blue," I said helpfully.[11]

Bianca offered me a scarlet clue instead.[12] She said clue-givingly, "All Zoë did was help out Heracles this one time. Him being a son of Zeus thought her helping him was a sign of interest and well…now she's not a virgin anymore."

Oh…yeah…I grok that.[13] Daddy was always saying that my half-brothers, along with most men, were all rakehells and Zoë, even in her Hunter clothes, was pretty babelicious.[14]

"I'm not a virgin either," Grover piped up, unnecessarily, "Satyrs have this coming-of-age ceremony where—"

I held up my hand. "I get it, Grover." The yucky goat-boy was always trying to bring this up. I did not want to hear it.

"So," Bianca pressed, breathing hard, "Have you done it or not?"

"I'm a daughter of Zeus," is all I said which made it sound way worse than it was. It was simply a case of me being too irresistible and too innocent. Now after the things I'd done, I'd never be truly innocent again.

"I knew it!" Bianca cried. "You better not have done it with my brother!" She accused.

"What the bum-tum!" I cried offended.

Bianca cried back, "I didn't defend his chastity for nearly 70 years for you to—"

"I haven't touch Nico!" I protested angrily. "I'm in love with Luke and Nico is too precious for that…unless, unless you sullied him!"

"You dunce! Nico's my brother!" Bianca shouted.

"You might be a scatterbrain, but I'm not," I chided fiercely. "Nico's told me things, Bianca. I know all about magic mirror time."[15]

Bianca paled, but she stood her ground and glared at me. "You would never understand."

"I don't think I want to," I said, glaringly.

We kept glaring silently until Grover said into the silence, "But seriously, guys, what are we gonna do? Should we find another ride?"

I stopped glaring and considered Grover's semi-helpful suggestion. Then, I threw it out. "I don't think we should," I concluded. Quests tended to be kind of linear. "If there are magical golden unicorn deer here to tame, that's probably what we need to do."

"But how?" Grover asked unhelpfully. "We don't have any bait."

"Well…" I wasn't sure. Not yet.

"I cannot believe I am going to fail Lady Artemis because I am impure," Zoë moaned.

Bianca who had also stopped glaring, patted Zoë's shoulder. "There, there, we'll think of something."

I nodded. I would think of something, eventually. I always did, but this was a tuffy.[16] Why did Artemis own animals that guilt-trip you for making love and whoopees?[17]

To my surprise though, Hicky spoke up. "If you don't mind me saying so, I have an idea," he offered, humbly.

We all turned to him.

"Are you a virgin?" I asked, confused. I was pretty sure I would know if any of the male Olympians were virgins.[18] If a deity is a virgin, they want everyone to know.

Hicky laughed at my question. "No, my Lady, I'm not a virgin, not in any sense of the word."

"Oh…" I hung my head in purpleness and anticippointment.[19] I wasn't used to feeling so…unbefitting and salacious.[20]

"But I know someone who is and they'd totes be willing to help you," Hicky said with Nicky's mischievous grin.

"Who?" I asked, thinking of Shane and Mark. I didn't think they were virgins either.

"You're fifth member," Hicky said smilingly, "Peter."

It took an entire 6 minutes, 1 second and 9 jiffies to convince Zoë that Peter would make a good girl.[21] She kept saying, "Peter Johnson is a boy. He cannot be our virgin maiden."

To which Hicky pointed out it was much easier to make Peter look like a girl than to give one of us a virgin texture.

"But…"

Then I pointed out Artemis had sometimes transformed men into women, so it wasn't like this was breaking some sort of Hunter code.[22]

"But we don't have god-like powers to aid us," Zoë argued.

I glared at Hicky. He shrugged. Hermes had said earlier that "Changing Peter into an actual girl would attract the wrong type of attention," the coward.

"So," Zoë concluded, "we cannot physically change him."

"There's still cross-dressing and it's a mythological staple," I pointed out.

"You are thinking of those fiendish Vikings, Lady Andi," Zoë said, incorrectly.[23]

"No," I argued, rightly, "I wasn't. People say Mr. D was disguised as a maiden once and Heracles crossed-dressed and did housewifery for like years."[24]

"We would never make it convincing," Zoë said, not giving in.

"It's not that hard," Grover said from experience.

"Yeah, I have Nico's spare wig and contacts in my bag," Bianca added, not unhelpfully.[25]

"Give me some make-up and the right dress and you won't be able to tell the difference," I added confidently.

"But…"

"I'm sorry Zoë," Bianca put in, "but you did say you wanted Peter to pull his own weight and we don't really have any other options."

"And Peter said he was willing, right?" I asked Hicky. Peter was still asleep with Apian, but Hermes had been exchanging mind messages with Apollo.

"The boy said he would do anything to help," Hicky agreed with a smile.

Zoë looked at all of us. She still seemed very conflicted.

"What's the problem?" I asked. "We're just making Peter look like a girl to trick some judgy deer."

"But that is the problem," Zoë said sadly. "If we can turn Peter Johnson into a virginal maiden convincing enough to fool Lady Artemis's legendary Ceryneian Hinds, then that means that anyone can be a maiden. And if that is the case, then does not that mean anyone can join the Hunters?"

I thought about it. "Kinda? If a boy is willing to be a maiden and forsake all other men then she can. That was already an unspoken rule though, wasn't it?"

"It was easier not to think about it," Zoë said noncommittally.

Bianca patted her shoulder again. "It is kind of crazy to think about. That means Nico could join the Hunters," she said in wonder.

Zoë shivered.

I had no sympathy for such snotty girly cervus attitudes.[26] "Zoë," I demanded, "if you were a boy, wouldn't you want the option to be a girl and join the Hunters?"

"I…" Zoë looked confused and uncomfortable. "I do not know. Maybe?"

"What if Hermes turned you into a boy and you couldn't change back?" I asked, intensely.

Zoë gave Hicky a horrified hate-filled look.

Hicky held up his hands in surrender. "Hey, I'm not an idiot."

"I'm sure," I continued, "Artemis and your sisters wouldn't abandon you even then."

Zoë nodded fiercely. "They would not."[27]

"Goody Gumdrops!" I ran over to give Zoë a hug. As I squeezed her tight, I said convincingly, "So just remember that and stop being so closed-minded and misandrist and let's dress Peter in drag!"[28]

At my words, all of Zoë's old-fashioned biases about maidenhood disappeared.[29] "You're right, Lady Andi," she said sensibly, "If Lady Artemis approves of a new Hunter, they are my new sister, regardless of their past."

I smiled. That's the spirit. "Just so! Now, let's get down to business!"[30]

We all let out a cheer and then the gang split up and searched for virginal items.[31]

Exactly two microcenturies later, we barely had a Bananaquit feather to fly east with.[32] For some reason, not a single store around YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK had any luxury make-up or designer clothes. The gift shops were filled with boneless knick-knacks and the grocery store was far too fruity.[33]

I frowned at our collective haul that was laid out on the table inside the tour bus. I had found some really cute lip gloss, some floral deodorant, clear pink nail polish, and a brass locket that screamed I'm a girl next door. Grover had tried to select some punny t-shirts which Apian liked, but everyone else had been unimpressed.[34] And that was it. No one else had found anything.

"This is not going to work," Zoë said. She was sitting next to me at the table. "We cannot dress Peter Johnson up in novelty t-shirts."

We could. T-shirts are great and plenty maiden-like but I wouldn't call them very virginal.

"Maybe we could dress him up like a Hunter," Grover suggested. He was sitting across from me, directly in front of Zoë.

I frowned harder. That would be worse than a t-shirt. The Hunters were too virginal. Their top layer which was a giant coat was basically sexless. I doubted we would tempt any Hinds with that.

Zoë agreed because she said deeply, "I think not."[35]

I sighed. "What about makeup?" I asked, questioningly. "Do you and Bianca have any, Zoë?" I could do Peter's makeover with just lip-gloss, but I wanted Peter to feel like Cinderella which meant I'd at least need eyeliner and stuff for contouring.

Unfortunately, Zoë and Bianca shook their heads. Bianca was sitting next to Zoë.

"What about you, Lady Andi?" Zoë asked.

I held up my lip gloss 5 pack and the nail polish. "What you see is what you get."

The two Hunters frowned. "That's it?" Bianca asked, stupidly.

"At least, I found something," I said accurately.

Bianca made a face and then Zoë said quickly, "I think what Bianca means to ask is: Do you not partake in cosmetics?"

"I don't partake," I told her.

Zoë and Bianca exchanged a confused look.

"Really, I don't need make-up. I just take really good care of my skin," I said, simply. People always assume I'm wearing make-up, but I'm just naturally this flawless.

I am sure Bianca was about to compliment me on my flawless beauty when Apian said, "The band has some make-up. Just eyeliner and mascara though." He was sitting across from Bianca and next to Grover.

"We also have a nail kit and razors," Hicky added. He was sitting directly across from me and next to Grover.

That was a start.

"That doesn't fix the clothes issue though," Bianca complained, unhelpfully.

"I am not giving Peter Johnson my spare Hunter outfit. It would be…" Zoë began seriously, but I stopped listening.

I considered my options. I had no dress, and I was missing a full make-up set. We could leave YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK and come back, but with all the crowds and the re-entry fees that might take too much time. Mark and Shane would be stranded. Phones don't really work here. Plus, leaving and coming back might be considered to be backtracking.[36]

I wanted to do this right. Apollo had told Hermes that Peter was not angry at me, but that wasn't gratifying enough. Peter was just so miffy and oceanic.[37] If I wanted him to have good wholesome fun on this quest, there could be no blatant cheating or shortcuts. I did not need them anyway! Even if all I could use was the stuff found in gift shops, a dinky grocery store, the woods, and the clothes off our own back, I was going to make Peter into the prettiest virgin maiden he could be!

"What are we going to do, Andi?" Grover whined again, worriedly.

I set my jaw. "If we can't buy Peter what he needs, we make it," I said stoutly.

"Sewing is out of the question, Lady Andi," Zoë said, pessimistically. "It would take too much time."

"Sewing? Puh-lease," I said dismissively before announcing, all corrective-like. "Where we're going, we don't need sewing."[38]

Everyone stared at me in awe and befuddlement.

I flashed them my best smile. "Here's what we're going to do. Hicky and Grover, you're on Peter duty. I want him washed, shaved, and scented."

"Anything for you, Andi," Hicky and Grover said in unison.

I turned to the Hunters and Apian. "Bianca and Apian, we're going shopping."

"But we just went shopping," Bianca whined, wet-blanket-cally.[39]

"We have a new shopping list," I said, dry-blanket-cally.[40]

"And me, Lady Andi," Zoë asked, somberly, "What am I to do?"

"What you excel at," I said, supportively, "You're going foraging in the woods."

Zoë's back straightened and she looked more like herself as I listed out all the things that I needed her to find.

"And while you're doing all that, locate us a jolly good spot to catch the Hinds. A river or a nice valley would be foxy," I added, instructively.[41] "Then drop the stuff off back at the tour bus and set up the traps at the spot, so we can nab those Hinds."

She nodded. "I can do that."

"Okie-dokie," I said encouragingly to everyone. "We all have our marching orders. To battle!"

"To battle!" We all cheered. Then we went on our separate missions.

This time, I knew exactly what to do. It had been a while since I had had to pull out my DIY skills.[42] Daddy usually bought me all the clothes I could ever want and I was really a modest and humble person anyway so I didn't need much.[43]

Today though, I used a portion of those old skills. While Zoë went to go find us the herbal and mineral ingredients to make some make-up, I shopped with Bianca and Apian. We bought some oils for the make-up, tissues, a pair of scissors and some tape. Then we got down to the problem of clothes. We came away from the gift shops with the following:

- One XXXL pale salmon t-shirt

- One XL pale salmon long-sleeved t-shirt

- One M dark sea-green shirt to compliment Peter's eyes

- One super soft XXXL tan t-shirt

- One pair of faux fur insulated tan leggings

- A stack of postcards

And, at Hicky's suggestion, one camera for the golden memories.

"What are we going to do with all this?" Bianca asked when we returned to the bus.

I just smiled and said, mysteriously, "We're going to do some earthen magic. Apian?" I turned to him. "Can I have you teach Bianca how to make make-up?" Zoë had dropped off the goods while we were gone.

Apian gave me the thumbs up. Apparently, Apollo and Hermes could give out godly advice, but they couldn't physically do anything that Kian and Nicky couldn't do. It made things a little complicated, but we were making it work.

"Let's go, Cuisneoir," Apian said instructively to Bianca as he gathered up all the stuff.[44] "Time to make some human face paints." The two of them headed for the nearest hotel lodge.

I turned to Grover and Hicky who thankfully had washed, shaved, and scented Peter as requested. Hicky told me that they even brushed Peter's teeth.[45]

"Brilliant," I said, praisingly. "Now, I'm about to cut what needs cutting outside. In the meantime, I need you to—" I explained what I wanted.

Grover looked confused, but Hicky nodded confidently. At the end of my explanation, he asked, "You sure you're not a daughter of Hephaestus or Athena? These are some serious arts and craft skills."

I shrugged. "I'm a child of Zeus, just like you. I think we're all pretty crafty."

"Don't I know it," Hicky said winkily.[46]

I winked back. I was glad I followed Apollo's advice and made up with Hicky. I had my half-brother back and a stack of favors that were accumulating interest for as long as Luke was missing.

It was a win-win.

During the next hour, 7 minutes, 48 seconds, and 16 jiffies, I worked with Hicky and Grover to make Peter's outfit. First, I had Grover and Hicky put on the tan leggings and Zoë's spare corset. They stuffed the bust with tissue paper and then cinched in the waist to give Peter a passable hourglass figure.

Then they put on the t-shirts. After a snip with the scissor, the XL long-sleeved t-shirt was fitted around Peter's upper chest so that the sleeves remained unused. Then they put on the XXXL shirt and fitted that over the first shirt just under Peter's new bust.

At that point, I returned to the tour bus to help out. I tucked in the sleeves of the shirt skirt and then flipped up the skirt to tape those sleeves to make pockets.

Because all dresses should come with pockets, especially virginal ones.

Then for the upper shirt, I had Grover pull the sleeves over Peter's surprisingly broad shoulders and down to Peter's mid-back. Then I got out what I had been working on outside. It was a simple twisted piece of dark sea green fabric that I had cut from the medium shirt. I wrapped that around Peter's high waist then combined this makeshift belt with the pulled back sleeves in back to make an elaborate knot that looked like a rose.

"Looking good," Hicky said approvingly.

I went around front to observe. Peter appeared to be wearing a salmon pink high-waisted dress with a flaring skirt and a layered boat neckline with a cute faded sea green belt to accent the dress.

"Bibbidi Bobbidi," I nodded approvingly. "Now for the slippers."[47]

I revealed a pair of cloth shoes that I'd made outside from postcards, tape, and the rest of the sea-green shirt. I had Grover put the shoes on Peter. Now, Peter was nearly all dressed. I had made a shawl from the tan t-shirt that I'd expertly cut with my scissors but that wouldn't go on him until I was done with make-up and hair.

Hair was easy. I got Bianca's spare Nico wig and placed it on Peter's head. For a moment, I just looked at Peter. The wig reminded me of being at Circe's Island with Nico.

Nico had made such a cute girl. His large brown soulful eyes, boyish features, and slim frame had made the transformation almost effortless.

I missed him. I hoped he was jake down under with his dad and not missing Bianca too much.[48] If I had time, I really should visit Nico on my way back to camp. Maybe I could even force Bianca to come. That would make him sandy.[49]

"Do you need any more help, Andi?" Grover asked annoyingly.

I sniffed and then smiled. "Nah, I'm just swell. You and Hicky wrestle up some lunch for yourselves. I'm going to keep going."

"Alright!" Grover said way too brightly. "See you later."

He and Hicky left.

I fussed with Peter's hair. I didn't want it to be too sexy, but I did want it to look cute. I decided to give Peter bangs and then simply brushed his new hair 33 times so it shined.

Then I applied the clear pink nail polish to Peter's nails and let them dry. When I finished with that, Apian and Bianca arrived with the make-up. I told them it was lunchtime, but first Apian and then Bianca offered to stay.

I was gobsmacked.[50]

"You really have worked some magic," Apian said appreciatively. "Hasn't she, Cuisneoir?"

Bianca nodded. "I can't believe you turned a bunch of t-shirts into that dress. It's so pretty."

I smiled. "I can tell you how I did it if you want."

Bianca looked surprised. "You would?"

"Sure," I said, generously, "we're quest mates," and it's what Nico would have wanted. I was sure.

Bianca, Apian, and I spent the next 32 minutes, 21 seconds, and 10 jiffies discussing DIY fashion as I worked on Peter's make-up. The look I was shooting for was subtle. I wanted to highlight Peter's more feminine features without seeming like I was trying to hide his manliness.

It was stunning how much there was to hide.

Peter was so short so I figured he wouldn't be that hard to girlify, but his shoulders, his jaw, and his nose which had a certain classical vibe really did have some Kyleness to them.[51] Still, this was me, so in no time I fashion-whizzed even those features into something lady-like and soon, I had Peter looking as delicate as a debutante with that all-natural make-up look that everyone assumed I did to myself on a daily basis. I was even able to make Peter's adorable freckles pop.

I dabbed on the last bit of blush on Peter's nose and his face was done. Finally, I finished up by fastening the brass locket necklace around Peter's neck and adding the tan shawl.

Just as I was admiring my work with Apian and Bianca, Grover, Hicky, Mark, Shane, and Zoë returned to the bus. Mark and Shane nodded at us and then went up front, but Zoë was frozen.

"Andromeda Sunshine," she breathed, her cheeks going pink, "you…" she glanced at Hicky and Apian.

"It was all her," Apian confirmed. "She was the head designer."

"Yeah," Hicky added, "Apollo and I didn't lift a finger. Advice only."

Zoë looked back at Peter. "Beautiful."

I beamed. Peter really did look like the peacock's tail.[52] After a half-day of prep, he had become a glassier version of Camp Rock Demi Lovato mixed with a less mean version of Raquelle.[53]

"I never dreamed…" Zoë sat down. "Wow."

"I know, right?" Bianca piped up cheerily. "So different than before."

"Yeah, this beats my cross-dressing attempt by a landslide," Grover added unnecessarily.

Still, I kept my voice humble as I said modestly, "Come on guys, Peter has always had potential. I just used my superior skills to bring out the swan beauty that lives in every ugly duckling."

"You truly are special," Zoë concluded. "I must apologize again for ever doubting you on this quest, Lady Andi."

I smiled. If Scroogey Zoë approved of my holiday miracle, then surely Peter would too.[54] What would he say? Maybe I'd get a thank you. From Peter!

The idea of it made me want to squee out in triumph.

This is why I adored quests!

They were such a ball! I had taught Zoë a valuable lesson on not being a sexist girl's club man-hater, enabled Bianca's education on cosmetics and DIY fashion, kept Grover from messing up everything, saw a historical landmark that reminded me of my dark past and bright friends, and gave Peter a totally consensual fairytale princess makeover that he would hopefully, no definitely, love and the sun hadn't even set yet![55]

"You got the spot ready?" I excitedly asked Zoë. I was eager to stay positive and keep the fruity times growing.[56]

"Yes, Lady Andi," Zoë said greatly, "The trap is laid. The instruments have been set up and I told those two," she pointed at Mark and Shane, "where to go."

"Peaches and cherries!" I said, pinkly. "Let's grab us some Hinds!"

Footnotes

[1] Also known as: It was a different time, a makeover time. Be warned this chapter has some childhood-ruining conversations, but considering the last chapter, if you're still here, you're probably fine.

[2] First off, just like Wyoming, Arkansas is a real state. However, South Virginia is not. Instead, we have West Virginia which I believe was on the North's side during the US Civil War. The Jogi Bear thing seems to be a letter substitution. Instead of Yogi Bear of Jellystone (a cartoon character), Andi thinks Yellowstone has Jogi Bear. There is no Jogi, unfortunately, but Grizzly 399 is quite famous for being friendly.

[3] Popped as opposed to being jazzed or excited.

[4] Chirpy as in birds chirping.

[5] Yes, I too am aware it's supposed to be winter.

[6] This sets the tone of the chapter. If you don't like where this is going, now might be a good time to leave.

[7] Andi probably is just using bananas to say Zoë is acting crazy, but the combo of kiwis and bananas brings another image to mind.

[8] I wonder if this is a James Bond reference to: "Bond, James Bond."

[9] Uh… yeah. This is dark.

[10] So, this is some major artistic license. Here we go. In Greek mythology being a virgin was a requirement for being one of Artemis's maidens. However, it is less clear in PJO if this is a requirement to be a Hunter of Artemis. The oath is: I pledge myself to the Goddess Artemis. I turn my back on the company of men, accept eternal maidenhood, and join the Hunt.

Maidenhood could mean virginity or just being young and unmarried. And in Titan's Curse Artemis says you have: To forswear romantic love forever, to never grow up, never get married, to be a maiden eternally.

Again, no mention of sex, just being a maiden and not falling in love, but Percy points out Artemis wants the Hunters to be: like her. And Artemis is like the virgin goddess. I know there are others, but she's the one who makes a huge deal of it. So, yeah, this was a serious stretch in my mind when I first read this, and even now, I am not exactly cool with it.

[11] I think Andi might be referencing Blue's Clues.

[12] Scarlet as in scarlet letter (a symbol for adultery) perhaps?

[13] Ugh. Grok means to understand completely. It comes from Stranger in a Strange Land which is a weird-ass book and quite fitting for this chapter.

[14] A rakehell is a regency term for a bad boy. They are known for their drinking, gambling, and having a lot of sex that may or may not be consensual. Babelicious means sexy and beautiful.

[15] This is thankfully less gross than it sounds. In the Sea of Monsters fic, Nico revealed that Bianca liked to dress him up as a girl during their special 'magic mirror time'. This again is stereotypical 2000s and 2010s anime older sister slightly creepy and abusive stuff.

[16] Pretty sure she means toughie as in a tough one, but she could also mean Tuffy, the mythological beast. Like this was a monster of a problem.

[17] Making love and making whoopee are both expressions for sex.

[18] No male Olympians, but rumor has it that Thanatos the personification and god of death, Morpheus the god of sleep and dreams, Hymenaios the god of marriage (This one tickles me, but Artemis is the virgin goddess of childbirth so shrug), Notus the south wind, Euros the east wind, and Geras the god of old age are all male virgins.

[19] Anticipointment is a real word. Surprisingly. As you can probably guess, it means feeling disappointed after anticipating something. Purpleness is harder to place. It could be a reference to the song 'Purple Disappointment'.

[20] Unbefitting and salacious mean unworthy and impure respectively.

[21] Who is ready to discuss gender politics via a Mary Sue fanfiction from the 2010s?

No one? Not even me?

Well, here we have it anyway. There is nothing particularly ground-breaking here by US 2022 standards, so sit back, read, and try not to panic.

[22] Indeed, we have already met Sipriotes (Sip) in Chapter 21.

[23] Did you know that both Thor and Loki have myths where they disguise themselves as women?

[24] Yup.

Dionysus had a rough birth. In the standard version, when Dionysus's mom is pregnant with him, she was tricked into asking Zeus to show his true form. Zeus did and she was vaporized leaving an "unborn" Dionysus. Zeus was like no biggie and sewed Mr. D into his leg. Dionysus was born a bit later. Hermes took baby Dionysus to a mortal couple and in some versions, Hermes told them to raise Dionysus as a girl to hide him from Hera.

As for Heracles, after he went mad again and murdered Iphitus, a possible future brother-in-law who was the only one in his family that thought they should give his sister away to the guy who murdered his wife and kids (yeah…Disney doesn't cover that bit), Heracles was sentenced to be Queen Omphale's slave. She made Heracles work and dress as a woman for like 3 years. Afterwards, they got married.

[25] Yeah…this is a thing. See footnote 15.

[26] Cervus is a Latin word for deer.

[27] Uh…I'd like to say I'd believe her, but the Hunters are pretty misandrist and come off as kind of heartless sometimes. See the next footnote.

[28] Misandrist means showing contempt, hatred, or prejudice towards men.

[29] Um…somehow, I doubt this.

[30] To seduce, the Hinds~

[31] Look, gang! It's another Scooby-Doo reference. I think if I had to put people in boxes: Andi is Fred. Grover is Daphne. Hicky/Peter is Velma. Zoë is Shaggy and Bianca is Scooby-Doo. Although, my delta reader says Peter ought to be Scooby and Bianca should be Scrappy.

[32] A microcentury is one-millionth of a century or 52 minutes and 35.7 seconds. The expression "not a feather to fly with" means poor. A bananaquit bird is the state bird of the US Virgin Isles and (this one took some searching) east is the direction of the Virgo constellation whose symbol is a virgin.

[33] Perhaps boneless knick-knacks is a reference to "knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone" which is a lyric of an English nursery rhyme. As for the fruity grocery store, I have no idea whether she means sexy or full of actual fruit. With Andi, it is hard to tell.

[34] Apollo has woken up, but Peter has not.

[35] I think Zoë has other reasons for her agreement on this.

[36] More on this concept in Chapter 28.

[37] I believe this is a call back to Andi calling Peter taciturn like the sea in Chapter 4.

[38] Uh… I think this is a Back to the Future reference?

[39] A wet-blanket is someone who is ruining the mood and good cheer with pesky things like logic and common sense.

[40] This is not a thing, but I must assume being a dry-blanket is the opposite of being a wet blanket.

[41] Foxy… because foxes are hunted for sport?

[42] DIY stands for Do It Yourself.

[43] Right, Andi has to be the humblest person I know.

[44] Cuisneoir means refrigerator in Irish.

[45] Remember this.

[46] I assume Hicky winked at her.

[47] That's the third Cinderella reference so far.

[48] Jake is another word for okay.

[49] Sandy in reference to the expression "happy as a sandboy".

[50] Gobsmacked means surprised.

[51] I think this might be a Kyle XY reference. Did anyone else watch that show? It was cancelled way too soon.

[52] I am guessing this is like being the bee's knees or the cat's meow. Both those expressions mean an excellent person or thing.

[53] Glassy as in Cinderella perhaps? During the days of the Jonas Brothers and Camp Rock, Demi Lovato looked like a total girl-next-door down-to-earth type person. I think the Raquelle Andi is talking about is the raven-haired frenemy of Barbie in the show "Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse".

[54] Scroogey as in Scrooge from A Christmas Carol.

[55] Uh…yeah, we'll see.

[56] "Keep the fruity times growing" is probably Andi's way of saying "keep the good times rolling".

A/N: I forgot how incredibly long this chapter was...wow, I am tired. Well, I hope you all enjoyed it. I know it was...unusual. Don't worry if this sort of racy and risqué stuff isn't your favorite thing. We ought to be leaving it behind soon.

However, if it is your thing, then maybe you'd be interested in my new fic, High Priestess Marci (seamless transition ;). It's about the best character from DOTA: Dragon's Blood, my girl Marci (she is mute and cute), and her adventures with Davion (eats 5 dozen eggs a day type body) the Dragon Knight. Much simping and fun thus far.

Otherwise, onward!

It's time to turn back the clock and check in on New Moon and Poor Peter. I miss that boy.