Chapter 28: The Whacky Wayward Wiggles Weigh In[1]
(Andi)
I had really hoped that Zoë was not like other girls. Even though she was a bit boring and very old-fashioned, she had her own Grover in the form of Bianca, gave me the best nickname, wasn't snotty or catty to me, and spoke sense 2/3 of the time.[2] She also knew how to apologize, spot a god and/or hot guy, hunt and gather, and how to roast a duck like a pro, but as I keep trying to tell Daddy, girls who don't have my:
- peachy attitude,
- compassion,
- loyalty,
- nobility,
- intelligence,
- beauty,
- charm,
- sizable bosoms,
- pedigree,
- fighting prowess,
- patience,
- charisma,
- perseverance,
- cute nose,
- street smarts,
- empathy,
- perfect skin,
- wisdom,
- honesty,
- dedication,
- scent,
- modesty,
- insider information,
- sun-kissed freckles,
- sophisticated fashion sense,
- full lips,
- bravery,
- creativity,
- promise-keeping skills,
- shiny hair,
- fortitude,
- confidence,
- beguiling eyes,
- integrity,
- leadership abilities,
- ideal body,
- self-awareness,
- diligence,
- grace,
- strength,
- sweet temper,
- caring nature,
- superior vocabulary,
- endless humility, and…
Wowzahs![3]
Sometimes even I forget just how awe-inspiringly amazingly Poppins I am![4]
I'm the BEST!
Unfortunately, being the best meant I was basically at the 99.999999999999999999999th percentile while every other Jane was jelly or jammed about being plain unsliced Wheaties.[5] I wanted to share my exquisite marvelous wonderfulness. Boy howdy did I! But people, especially other girls, just weren't ready or able to learn my teachings.
I thought that this time was the time. I thought Zoë was different. For nearly an entire afternoon, I really thought I had cured Zoë of her worse flaws, and that she would finally be ready to be a proper quest-mate and possibly if the stars aligned on a perigee-syzygic Long Nights Moon that she would become my BFFF.[6]
Because I was a jim-dandy quest mate, I set Zoë up for success with a feel-Andi-good hug and a job I knew she could do.[7] I let Zoë work on the hind trap and gather herbs and things because for a Hunter with hundreds of years of experience, I realized she had no experience in what truly mattered for today's tricky-wicky obstacle: modern fashion.[8]
On another time when I was not so crunched, I'd teach her how to dress like the best.[9] For now, though, I contented myself with knowing that my top-notch foresight and leadership skills enabled Zoë to find us a jolly good hunting spot. It was a beautiful meadow that had pretty posies and rosies all in our toesies and a lone log in the center that hollered: Mount a virgin on me![10]
Being the gracious lady that I was, I lionized Zoë for following my super helpful instructions before I got back to my important work.[11] While I had secured Peter to the log and made sure Peter's posture and the angle of his head had just the right amount of come hither with Hicky's and Apian's help, Bianca, Grover, Mark, and Shane had tuned the instruments and Zoë had finalized her trap.
Exactly 2 ke later, everyone seemed all hot to trot.[12] Apian was on the violin. Hicky was on the lyre. Mark and Shane were on backup vocals. Grover had his pipes. Bianca surprised me by taking the drums. Zoë was on triangle and trap duty and I was on lead vocals, sound mixing, and photography. It was my job to make it seem like my voice was coming from Peter and to control the volume of the other instruments so they weren't too loud all while taking pictures of Peter and singing the best girl cover of the Last Unicorn anyone has or will ever hear in this lifetime.
I had looked around at everyone. They had all nodded, including Zoë, so I had counted us off and then began my sacred duty to make the muses cry.[13]
All was bright and clear. Everyone was rocking and popping and I was giving my all while Peter woke up, the hind showed up, and Peter made first contact.
By the time, Peter was stroking the hind's fur, it seemed like not even the sun could outshine us. Then I sang:
"When the last moon is cast,"
The hind suddenly got up and I shivered at the sudden cold as 1 hind turned into 5 hinds, each of them harmonizing like I thought only Kian could.
I smiled. This was it. All five hinds were here!
When I looked over to Zoë, she too was watching Peter and the hinds. She had this intense grin on her face. At first, I thought she also was jazzed to see our prey, but then I tried to get her attention and she refused to look at me.
It was the SMITHSONIAN AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM ladybirds all over again!
Zoë was too engrossed in my superior singing and the rocking mood to do anything but watch Peter and listen to my heavenly voice. Normally, that would be fine and dandy, but she was the one holding the trigger on the trap and she had just missed her cue to ring the triangle!
Grover and even Bianca were outperforming Zoë right now. The two of them and Westlife had their eyes closed and were lost to the music.
I would have groaned over Zoë going into Mr. D. levels of friend failure, except I was still singing my heart out like a proper star. It felt icky and tepid to cut my stellar performance short, but when Zoë missed another cue and the hinds started singing offkey, I decided the world simply wasn't fit for my Sirius A+ Scuti one-day-band female cover of the Last Unicorn.[14]
After I finished the next lyric, I flicked my wrist and used my wind powers to cut the invisible line to set off Zoë's trap right as the hinds let out a collective shriek.[15]
Before a second had passed, the hinds were flung into the air. I watched with dull acceptance as they were pulled into the forest trees. Each hind ended up suspended in midair with their legs sticking out of invisible harnesses made of Hunter string so it looked like they were magic reindeer without a slay. There was even snow on the ground now to help with the effect.
Satisfied that they were caught, I threw a gust of wind in the air that eliminated the sound of music and yelled, "Cut!"
Then I turned to Zoë who was looking cut up that the show was over.[16] She was not the only one. Everyone was coming out of their music daze.
"Zoë," I said as cold as the breath-fogging air around us.
She stopped staring at Peter and turned to me. I saw how flushed her cheeks were. She must be pink with embarrassment.[17] "Yes, Lady Andi?" she said in a low voice.
"I know my singing combined with the sight of a girl Peter and the hinds was a cosmic phenomenon," I said reasonably, "so I'm not mad at you, I'm just massively disappointed. You're our quest leader, Zoë. What would have happened if I had not gone rogue and stepped in?" I shook my head. "I expect better from you."
"Lady Andi," Zoë's cheeks flushed a deeper red before she bowed deeply and said in a tight voice, "My apologies. I meant no-"
I held up a hand to forestall her. "You, Bianca, and Grover should ready the hinds for mounting since you all speak deer. While you do that, I want you to think about your actions. TTYL.[18] I'm gonna go check on Peter."
I left our distractible and incompetent leader open-mouthed and marched through the snow and over to Peter. He was in a 'don't splash me with water I just got dry' position and for the 3 horrid Heleks it took for me to reach him, I chewed on the nasty notion that Peter might be frozen.[19]
Again!
But then I tapped his arm lightly and he flinched and let out a strange gurgling sound.
Yuppie!
That was Peter alright!
I smiled and made it extra big. I knew I could do this. Peter Johnson was just another boy. I didn't even have a crush on him or anything. I was perfectly swell, straight, and non-wiggly.[20]
I said peachfully, "Hi Peter. Thank you so much for offering to be our virgin maiden." I gestured at the captured hinds that were still screaming in the trees like toddlers in a grocery store. "The plan worked like a charm."
Peter put down his arms and stared up at me with wide eyes. He was amazed.
Goody Gumdrops! I was doing it.
"Yuppers," I confirmed confidently, "I did a terrific job and you helped!"
Peter continued to gape at me. His gaze went between me and the hinds. He was still speechless.
Then Hicky came up next to me and said helpfully, "You might want to get Peter off that log."
I smacked my head. "Silly me!" I said normally with a super unawkward wiggly-free laugh.
I bent forward and attacked the knots as Hicky murmured to Peter, "If you lift your tongue to the roof of your mouth, you'll feel much better." [21]
"Oh! Do you have a brain freeze?" I asked Peter, making totally normal straightforward casual conversation with the boy I'd put in a coma. Everything was atm.[22]
"I've never had a brain freeze," I added, giving the knots a final tug and freeing Peter, "but I hear they are horrible."
"Yeah," Hicky agreed, "I can remember Nicky getting them. They suck."
I stood up.
Peter was still watching me in awe. Was he envious that I had never had a brain freeze? Was he still having a brain freeze himself? He wasn't moving. It was so cold out here! What if his brain freeze had spread and he'd just been fully refrozen!
But then, Peter blinked, so never mind.
I was such a silly-willy, but it was part of my expansive charm.[23] I smiled even wider and said with the exact right amount of good cheer and volume, "You're free now, Peter. You can get up."
Peter didn't get up. Instead, he said in this wispy croak, "Are…you real?"
Um…that was a complicated philosophical queen of a quandary that I was not prepared for this afternoon.[24] I glanced at Hicky wondering if he could answer Peter's cuckoolier than usual question.[25]
"We're as real as you are!" Apian called, coming over. "Welcome to the land of Sunshine, Peter. So glad you said you'd be up for all this before." Apian winked at Peter.
And just like that, I had the wiggles.[26] They began at the bottom of my belly, but they were not too bad yet. I looked back at Peter and spoke slowly and carefully, hoping that I could lull the wiggles back to sleep by confirming, "You did agree to this, right?"
"Of course, he did," Hicky said, wilily. "Poor Peter is just in shock."
"Oh yeah, Peter told me himself," Apian added.
I wanted to believe them, but Peter was being so quiet and withdrawn. Every other time Peter had been this quiet with me, something bad had happened. The wiggles squiggled. "Peter?" I asked.
Peter stared at Apian, Hicky, and then me. Then he slowly nodded.
"There's a good lad," Apian said clapping Peter on the back. "You had my flower worried for a bit, but you're alright mate.[27] Breathe in that winter air." Apian turned to me and said reassuringly, "He's fine."
"He's probably just jittery from being dolled up in his sleep," Hicky added, somewhat less suspiciously.
I nodded. "I see. I had not thought of that," I said, thoughtfully and the wiggles too wondered over this new information. While they were working on it, I tried to fill myself with beans instead and said wirily, "It was worth it!" [28] Then I weaved past Apian and Hicky and presented my camera to Peter.
"Look!" I cried, warmly. I showed Peter a photo of himself waiting prettily on the log as the hind approached offscreen. "Aren't you a pretty princess?" I said, not at all frantically.
Peter's eyes focused on the photo.
"I worked steely hard," I added.[29] "There was a whole sequence and everyone, even Zoë, Bianca, and Grover, were involved."
There was a pause. I kept expecting Peter to smile or swear or something. I had this whole plan that after Peter wondered at how wonderful he looked and was all smiley, I'd surprise him with a wicked awesome merry cherry heart-to-heart pathosberry impromptu apology.[30] I had been so sure that between the hinds and the makeover, he would be at least a tiny bit impressed. Grover had told me that Peter geeked out over the littlest things at camp.
However, Peter's face was very still from the non-jittery coma jitters, I guess. I wondered if maybe I should have had Grover do this, just like maybe I should have let Grover invite Peter on the quest.
"Peter?" I asked as my wiggles started to jiggle again. But before I could ask Peter if he was okay, and how he felt and whether he wanted a mirror or to see more pictures to admire his new beauty and understand my great feat, Bianca, with her usual bad timing, shouted, "Move it, Andi! The Hinds are trying to escape!"
I turned in surprise and straightening relief and shouted back, "Did you just get my name right?"
"No!" Bianca shouted, ever forgetful. "Now move it, ANN-DYE!"
I turned back to Peter and said, "We better go," I held out my hand to him before I remembered our hug and Peter's reaction. For whatever weirdo reason, Peter didn't like to be touched.
Daises and dots![31]
I bit my lip and my wiggles hopped and popped, once again expecting Peter to start swearing, slap my hand away, or point out the coma thing, but I guess we were all forgetful today because Peter took. My. Hand!
I pulled him up and over to the hinds. They were still screaming in deer, but I couldn't understand them. I waved for Peter to take the most winsome hind.
Peter looked a little pale, but he climbed on really gracefully which surprised me and the wiggles. These were whacky jitters. Shouldn't he be shaking and quaking or shivering and quivering?
"Peter, I know what Apollo and Hermes said, but are you sure that you're okay?" I asked, worriedly. "And don't just nod. Please. Say something." Anything was better than this silent squiggly wiggly in my miggly anticipation.[32]
Peter looked at me and his sea-green eyes reminded me of Percy's like he'd seen something he shouldn't have. Then Peter said in a hollow voice, "I'm alright, Sunshine, just…tired."
There. He said he was alright and he called me Sunshine. That was a bit better, wasn't it? And despite all the beauty sleep he got, Peter did look worn, weathered, and wane, like really wane, like more wane than Hades wane.
"Okie Dokie!" I said as swelly as I could while ignoring my clinging springing wiggles. I told Peter, "I'll talk to you later then?"
Peter nodded, but he wasn't looking at me. His gaze looked far away.
I really wanted to give him a hug, but…no. I should not risk it, not with the wiggles and our colored past. Instead, I climbed onto my own hind. Before I could look at Peter one more time, the five of us were off.
Hicky was right about one thing. The hinds were really really fast like faster than a bird or a plane. They might even be faster than me.[33] It had only been a jīng and we had left the snowy woods and entered the wide-open flat desertic square states of America.[34]
I rode in front followed by Zoë, Bianca, Grover, and finally Peter. I looked back at Peter. He still looked wane, pale, and possibly sick. What if he was catching a cold? I'd never had one, but I heard they were horrible, worse than even brain freeze.
I wanted to check on Peter and talk to him more but…
Peter said he was tired and I still had the wiggles. Every time, I thought of talking to Peter, they started to do the foxtrot in my belly. I hearted classical dance, but I was never a foxtrot fan. A waltz or a rain dance, that was swimming, but this was drowning…
Well maybe not that parlous, but it kept getting worse, like trying to confess to Luke times e.[35] Maybe I should eat something. Sometimes that helped. Food was…
Oh! Oh! SpaghettiO![36]
Food!
The wiggles stopped for lunch because they knew what I knew. Peter was probably pale with hunger. Lots of people got quiet when their tum-tum was empty. Plus, nothing said, 'I'm sorry I broke into your cabin, forced a feel-Andi-good hug on you that you did not want for some weirdo reason, and then put you in a coma for your safety without your permission, but I gave you a makeover and a magical afternoon to make amends for my sins, so let's kiss and make up' like some tasty tidbits![37]
I used my wind powers to increase my hind's drag and slow it down, so I was in line with Grover. He had all the non-Hunter stuff in his pack. I think there were still some cookies left from the lunch that Hicky gave me.
Grover had once told me that Peter loved cookies. They would be the whipped cream and chocolate sauce on my makeup with Peter sundae. Thus, when I got close to Grover, I jauntily ordered, "Grover, hand me the pack."
Grover did not hand me the pack. He just whimpered.
I frowned at Grover. I had been pretty busy talking with Westlife, forgiving Hicky, giving Peter his makeover, stopping Zoë from messing up, and then it had taken me a while to decide to talk to Peter again.
That meant I had left Grover under minimal supervision for…over a kilominute?[38]
Jiminy Cricket, I had a wad feeling about this![39]
"Grover," I asked dreadingly, "what did you do?"
"Nothing!" he yelped, lyingly.
I wrapped air around us to create a sound-muffling bubble around us to make sure the others would not hear. "Grover," I said in a wrathful dangerous voice that promised to shave his hairy goat legs if he tried anything remotely comic, "Don't make me ask again." [40]
"I'm sorry!" he wailed, wimpily. "I just was so busy jamming out on the pipes before and then, Bianca started yelling at us to go and…and…"
"And what?" I prompted, not liking this at all.
"I forgot the pack!" he wailed, woefully.
I facepalmed so hard that I think my hind felt it. I could not leave Grover alone for a single day!
"I'm sorry," he said again.
"Sorry?" I demanded.
Grover was always sorry. He had been sorry when I caught him stalking me, sorry when I found him stealing my underwear, sorry each and every time he interrupted me and Luke sharing a moment, sorry when he told us we should ditch Nico and Bianca, sorry when he got seduced by Aphrodite, sorry when Annabeth betrayed me, sorry when he ditched us to search for Pan, and when Luke disappeared because of him all he could say was…[41]
Sorry!
I felt my hair crackle. I growled, "Do you think saying sorry is the solution to everything, Grover? Do you think if you feel bad enough, it will undo all the trouble You caused!"
"Hey!" a voice called over my glowing wrath. "Is all well?" [42]
I turned and saw Peter. 'Hey, is all well' were the first words he'd spoken since he told me he was alright but tired. Of course, he'd be speaking for Grover's sake and not mine.
GRR!
But Peter was staring at me. He couldn't hear me, but he could still see me. I knew what I probably looked like, crackling hair and storm gray eyes.
I smiled as wide as I could and waved at Peter. Then I removed the air block, so Peter could hear me. "Everything is just swell," I said very convincingly.
Then I immediately adjusted the air pressure around us again and whirled around to glare at Grover. Grover was so lucky Luke and Peter liked him, but what about me?
How was I supposed to apologize to Peter without food or…
Oh.
Oh no.
Oh no woe foe show.
Peter! His clothes! His sword!
Fiddlesticks in a handbasket, this was wadder than wad!
"Do you think Westlife might be able to give us our stuff back?" Grover whimpered foolishly.
"No!" I snapped. I didn't need his whacko words. "Now, shush it, Grover." I needed to...thwink.[43]
I held my womach and thought weal quick.[44] Westlife was going to Seattle, but they wight still be in WELLOWWONE WATIONAL WARK.[45] Wayhap, I could get back there before wey weft?[46]
But that would wean a wot of backtwacking and everyone knew it was tewpting the fates to backtwack on qwests.[47]
Okay, next option.
I could wide my hind to Seattle using my wind powers to accelewate us as fast as possible.[48] That wight work, but I didn't know whewe in Seattle to go.[49] And it would be an unsanctioned wide quest.[50] It wasn't as wad as wacktracking, but the fates would not be on why wide either.[51] Thewe would be no convenient wun-ins or anything like that.[52] I would be wandering the city fowever and I only had houws.[53]
Okay. Okay. So, that was a no-go. What else? What else!?
I put both my hands to my tewples and pwessed why head for wanswers.[54] I wished Luke was whewe, or Nico, but t'was whonly we and why walways whad way wawootion.[55]
Walways.[56]
While why pwessed hawd wrestling with the wily whacky willful wayward wiry wobbly writhing whopping wringing winding wild warped wiggles, wisdom wandered wits way win.[57]
Why wid wot wike wa wawootion, but the wiggles waned, wilted, and withered without me willing them to.[58] They weened this whim of mine was swell.[59]
I let my hands drop and let out a woeful whisp of a wail as Grover whimpered and watched, helping no one, not even the wiggles.
I was off-script and off-quest and this weighty whim was what I had.[60] It would require sacrifice, but friendship was all about sacrifice. I knew that. The wiggles knew that and so did Luke. He wouldn't wonder at my choice. No, he'd be proud of me.
I hope.
I left Grover and Peter's watching wiggle-inducing eyes without another word. Using my wind powers, I forced my hind to go back to the front of the group and I kept going until there were a couple of miles between me and Zoë. Then I removed the muffled air effect and murmur sang my super-secret code:
"Bygones. Bygones. You say bygones.
With presents, the past may move on.
Bygones. Bygones. You say bygones.
So, let us discuss how to move on."
Hermes's silky radio announcer voice was in my ear, saying, "Miss me already?"
After hearing Hermes use Nicky's vocal cords, hearing Hermes's natural voice and knowing he was floating invisibly beside me was not posh, dandy, or even swell.
I frowned hard and ignored how wrathful I was feeling at Hermes, Grover, and everyone else involved with Luke's disappearance.
This was about Peter and making sure I never let him down like I had let down Luke.
I pushed the air pressure to maximum muffle and said, all business-like, "Hey bro, I'm calling in another favor. Grover left our stuff back in YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK. Could you pretty please drop it off at our next stop?" I knew Hermes knew where we were going even if no one else did.[61]
Hermes sucked in air between his teeth. "Hun-bun…"
"Bro," I said, warningly.
"You know, I love you to pieces and would do any ol' thing within my powers to make Your Graciousness, the peachiest personage in Georgia, but there are rules," he said, ignoring my warning.[62] "I can't blatantly help you out when you're on a quest. Big Daddy and the rest of the fam, including Great Uncle Helly, are watching.[63] You know what a gossip he is. If we weren't being so sneaky, they would all already be listening right now."
A pox on the rules and Big Daddy and Great Uncle Helly![64]
"All I know is that I'm watching you," I threatened in my dangerous voice. "You're on Charlotte thin ice and I'm one hot tamale, so you better stop giving me excuses and start giving me solutions.[65] Stat!"
"I get you, I do," Hermes relented, suspiciously, "but have you considered just telling the kid that your satyr mucked up?"
"Bro," I said unansweringly, "Have you considered not insulting my intelligence and giving me a good solution?"
"Insulting your…I would never," he blustered, insultingly. "I just…"
"Now, Bro!"
"I see you are most determined, my illustrious lady," the god spoke quickly. "There is indeed a way for you to acquire what you seek."
"Goody," I declared, without my usual cheer.
"But," he continued, "it's kinda…drastic. Are you sure you are up for such a perilous—"
"Yes!" I snapped.
Hermes just didn't understand! My decision had been made when I had called in my favor. Peter was acting all wonky, saying stuff like 'is all well' which sounded way more like Zoë than his usual weirdo naughty self.
The wiggles wanted to know where all the censored language and wacko mood swings had gone. Because unless my superior tailoring had exceeded even my expectations and completely overwritten Peter's personality, I did not see where all this character development could have come from.[66]
I didn't wike it. I didn't wike it won wiffy of a wit.[67]
The unsinkable Andi-Peter HMS Friend had enough icebergs to deal with, so I was not going to fish out another berg by having Grover tell Peter his stuff was missing right after Peter just woke up from the coma I put him in.[68] Not everyone could pull off wearing the same outfit for days at a time like I could. Peter was not that fashion-forward. If he ever got back to his normal self, he would probably get miffy and rightfully blame me for not keeping a closer eye on Grover and fulfilling my promise to have this quest be an un-regrettable, healingful, friend-making journey that was the funest, most fulfilling, most spinetinglingly thrilling thing ever!
Hicky said that Apian said that Peter said that Peter was not angry, but it did not matter. It was my job to use my mini master bolt wisely and not electrocute my friends, just like it was my job to look after Grover and Peter and Nico and Luke and Zoë and Bianca.
I was the daughter of Zeus. I was the powerful and nearly perfect one. I was the one who always had a solution and the one who always kept her promises.
Unlike Grover, Hermes, Zoë, and other chronically flawed un-super-people, I didn't want to rely on excuses or begging for forgiveness. I was spiderier than that.[69] Because of my Peter, I had learned that:
A truly sweet apology required truly sweet acts of candied flavored favors of goody goodness![70]
A makeover and a once in a lifetime encounter with a rare mythological creature that was a Luke of Biancas more stunning than an actual unicorn, that was some coco moo-moo and gingersnap Merry Christmas cookies, but returning triumphantly with Peter's things after a dangerous side quest than even a God was hesitant to speak of, now that was an Orange Nectarine Cumin Pie![71]
Everyone loved Orange Nectarine Cumin Pie, even Mr. D., and girls.
I was beautifully sure that if I baked the goods, Peter would have to see that we were better off as friends and tell me so in his own probably obscenely profane words![72] That was worth some drastically perilous measures!
I was gonna do that twice over and cut through things when the time came for me to apologize to Luke. That's why I was going to find him, keep my promise, figure out how to break Aphrodite's curse, and earn my happy ending with my prince charming in shiny hair![73] And when I did, I was positive that a properly clothed Peter would be there too!
I felt pinker, peachier, and straight-up wiggless when I briskly ordered Hermes to "Tell me what I have to do."
"Very well, my lady," Hermes said dutifully before he whispered a secret that not even the nosiest god could hear.
At the end of his instructions, I nodded and said, primely, "Roger that." [74]
After that, I slowed down my hind one more time to sidle up to Bianca. First things first, I needed to ask her about something.[75]
Footnotes
[1] I like to call this chapter: The Return of the ~Wiggles~!
You know when you re-read/re-watch something and you're like: Oh yeah…this one. This chapter was that for me. No trigger warnings are needed. This one is just…very Andi.
[2] So, I was curious about Andi's claim of Zoë making sense to her 2/3 of the time. I think it goes like this.
In the nonsense category:
1_Zoë refused to invite Peter on the quest
2_Zoë wanted to befriend the ladybirds
3_Zoë freaked out when Andi stunned the ladybirds
4_Zoë did not want Peter to be made into a virginal maiden
On the sense category:
1_Zoë shut Bianca up so Andi could fight the lion
2_Zoë praised Andi for defeating the lion
3_Zoë (eventually) apologized and then praised Andi for defeating the ladybirds
4_Zoë praised Andi's choice of quest direction
5_Zoë accepted a ride from Westlife
6_Zoë identified Apollo
7_Zoë praised Andi for insulting Hermes
8_Zoë praised Andi's work in giving Peter a makeover
So yeah, I might be missing some things but that would put us at 2/3.
[3] Wowzahs! That indeed was a lot of fine qualities (44 to be precise). Also, wowzah (there is no plural form) = wow + yowzah. And Yowzah basically means wow. So Wowzah is kind of like saying double wow. I think it's safe to say, Andi is in a good mood.
[4] I think Poppins is a reference to Mary Poppins who is practically perfect in every way.
[5] Andi used too many nines. It should probably be more like 99.99999999 which would make Andi like 1 in 10 billion. She's probably saying Jane as in Plain Jane which is kind of like the female version of an average Joe. It means a very normal and somewhat homely person. Jelly probably means jealous here. I'm not sure what jammed means, maybe just angry? Wheaties is a boring breakfast cereal made from wheat. The term 'unsliced' (Wheaties should be sliced) is probably a reference to saying that some random thing "is the best thing since sliced bread".
[6] The stars or planets aligning is a rare event in plenty of fantasy stories. A Long Nights Moon is a full moon in December. The perigee-syzygy of the Earth-Moon-Sun system means a Supermoon which is a moon that looks bigger because of its relation to the sun and earth. Basically, if they get lucky, Andi would allow Zoë to be her BFFF which probably means best female friend forever.
[7] Jim-dandy means excellent or notable. It can be an adjective or a noun.
[8] Tricky-Wicky is a song by Cobario. It's pretty good if you like guitar and violin.
[9] Crunched as in time-crunched which means there's not a lot of time. Also, imagine if Zoë dressed as 'sophisticated' as Andi does i.e. a t-shirt and cut-off jeans.
[10] I'm not sure about the rosies, posies, and toesies. The closest thing that I can find is the classic nursery rhyme about the black plague (Yes, I said plague. Look it up):
Ring around the rosie
Pocket full of posies
[11] Lionize means to praise someone in front of a crowd.
[12] Ke is a Chinese unit of time. It's 1/100 of a day or 14 minutes 24 seconds. Hot to trot means keen to do something (usually sex).
[13] This was originally a much longer section with Andi describing everything, but there was hardly any new info and the descriptions are very similar to Peter's, so with my Delta Reader's blessing, I decided for once to save y'all the trouble and boredom and cut it. Forgive me. Below is the only new info we got, the pertinent lyrics to the Last Unicorn:
When the last eagle flies
Over the last crumbling mountain
And the last lion roars
At the last dusty fountain
In the shadow of the forest
Though she may be old and worn
They will stare unbelieving
At the Last Unicorn
When the first breath of winter
Through the flowers are icing
And you look to the north
And a pale moon is rising
And it seems like all is dying
And would leave the world to mourn
In the distance hear her laughter
Of the Last Unicorn
I'm alive, I'm alive
[14] Sirius A is the brightest star in the galaxy. UY Scuti is arguably the largest star in the universe.
[15] I think the lyric she is speaking of is:
Over the last star of morning
[16] Cut up could be referring to Zoë being unhappy or it could mean she is behaving in a naughty or unruly way.
[17] Yeah…more on this later.
[18] TTYL means talk to you later.
[19] This is a new one, or an old one? A helek is a Babylonian time metric. 1 Helek is 1/18 of a minute so 3 Heleks is 10 seconds
[20] I don't think Andi is referring to her sexual orientation here, but I could be wrong.
[21] I think we can guess who had Peter gagged.
[22] I assume she doesn't mean an atm machine, so maybe she's talking about atm as in Atmospheric pressure.
[23] I think instead of silly-willy she means silly-billy which is a synonym for a foolish person.
[24] I think (and this might be a stretch) but I think this is a reference to the Queen song Bohemian Rhapsody. The first lyric is:
Is this the real life?
[25] I assume she means cuckoolier as in the cuckoo and not, cuckolder or cuckold. Cuckoo refers to the bird or being crazy. Cuckold is a term for a man having an affair.
[26] One of the more questionable metaphors used in the Lightning Thief fic was the dreaded wiggles. I would compare it to 50 Shades of Grey's inner goddess or Tiger's Curse's little love plant.
[27] According to Randy Feltface (No, that's not a joke. Randy is a Muppet comedian), "You're alright, Mate" can be a very passive-aggressive statement in some cultures. I am unsure whether this is true or if this was the reason why Alpha R used that phrase, but I thought it was worth noting.
[28] You may remember being full of beans is a phrase that means excited. Thus, I assume that Andi speaking wirily or being wired is also being used to describe Andi's excitement.
[29] Steely instead of really because steel is hard, I guess.
[30] Uh…there is no such thing as a pathosberry. But pathos is the Greek argument style that focuses on appealing to emotion. As for the rest… cherries are sweet, so I guess Andi just wanted to give a super sweet and heartfelt apology.
[31] I assume this is a reference to Whoopsie Daisy which is a fancy way to say 'Oops', but Andi's version is a new one for me.
[32] Miggly = middle + wiggles. It is the exception to the rule of wiggles. More on this below.
[33] I think this refers to the saying "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Superman!" This classic Superman comic quote is also a Musical by David Newman and Robert Benton. Of course, for us, Andi is taking the place of Superman.
[34] Jīng is another Chinese length of time. It's 1/10 of a day or 2 hours and 24 minutes. The desert square states are probably referring to Colorado and/or Utah.
[35] Parlous means dangerous and bad. As for the rest, Andi tried to confess to Luke nearly a dozen times in the Lightning Thief fic, but she was always interrupted, by Grover, Annabeth, or Bianca. 'e' or Euler's number is a mathematical constant approximately equal to 2.71828. I'm surprised Andi knows this. I don't remember learning about 'e' until college (though my Delta Reader tells me I probably learned it in high school). Yes, I'm a college grad and this is how I spend my time. Stay in school kids?
[36] The phrase is 'Uh-oh SpaghettiOs'. It comes from a song written by (and I'm not making this up) Fun Kids Hip Hop Band.
[37] Out of context, this sounds horrible. That is all.
[38] A kilominute is not a real measure of time as far as I can tell, but it would be 1000 minutes or 16 hours and 40 minutes.
[39] Jiminy Cricket is Pinocchio's conscience. Wad = wiggles + bad. Here is the standard wiggle dialect. We will be seeing more of this. Be prepared.
[40] I think this is a combo of Grover being comic relief and the phrase "don't try anything funny," which basically means follow my orders and don't do anything I would not want you to do.
[41] So, my Delta Reader suggested more clarification here, so here I go. Most of these gripes are from the Lightning Thief fic. Grover was creeping on Andi at the beginning of the fic to recruit her. After it was known that Andi was Zeus's daughter, Grover tried to steal her underwear for the good of the Andi fan club. Grover also cockblocked her and Luke (sometimes intentionally, but most of the time it was accidentally). Grover didn't like Nico and Bianca because they smelled of death and Grover thought they might be spies for Hades, so Grover recommended leaving them behind. During the final confrontation between Aphrodite and Andi in the Lightning Thief fic, Grover was put under a love spell and taken hostage. Aphrodite used him to illustrate a point. She said that the only men who would ever love Andi would be like Grover and then the goddess explained that she cursed Andi to never have requited love. Raw moment. And then after Annabeth was revealed to be the spy, Grover apologized to Andi for encouraging her to trust Annabeth. Grover also tries to comfort Andi and Luke about Annabeth leaving, but they both get mad at him. In response, Grover goes off to search for Pan on his own leading to his capture in the Sea of Monsters fic. Then Luke was lost during the rescue mission and the rest as they say is history.
[42] I'm not sure why Andi can hear Peter, but he cannot hear her…I think this is probably a good old-fashioned plot hole. However, I do have another explanation which I will expand upon (you guessed it) later.
[43] And here we go, the wiggles have truly activated. It is time for the invasion of the w's. The next few paragraphs and footnote 43(this one) to footnote 58 are all about the wiggles. So, since you're already here, you might want to hang out for a bit to find out what Andi is saying.
First translation: I needed to...think.
[44] Translation: I held my stomach and thought real quick
[45] Translation: Westlife was going to Seattle, but they might still be in Yellowstone National Park.
[46] Translation: Mayhap, I could get back there before they left.
[47] Translation: But that would mean a lot of backtracking and everyone knew it was tempting the fates to backtrack on quests.
My thoughts on this one. I think this explains some things. I mean out-of-universe, it makes sense to not repeat locations, but in-universe, I would think having a network of safe places to stop at during quests or having the ability to go back to grab something useful would be standard procedure.
[48] Translation: I could ride my hind to Seattle using my wind powers to accelerate us as fast as possible.
[49] Translation: That might work, but I didn't know where in Seattle to go.
[50] Translation: And it would be an unsanctioned side quest.
[51] Translation: It wasn't as bad as backtracking, but the fates would not be on my side either.
[52] Translation: There would be no convenient run-ins or anything like that.
[53] Translation: I could be wandering the city forever and I only had hours.
[54] Translation: I put both my hands to my temples and pressed my head for answers.
[55] Translation: I wished Luke was here, or Nico, but it was only me and I always had a solution.
[56] Translation: Always.
[57] Translation: While I pressed hard, wrestling with the wiggles, wisdom wandered its way in.
[58] Translation: I did not like the solution, but the wiggles waned, wilted, and withered without me willing them to.
And that's it for full-on wiggles…for now. Thank goodness. The full power of the wiggles is always a bit much, even for me.
[59] Ween means to have an opinion or to believe. Also, whim means an impulse but it can also mean an idea, usually a rash one.
[60] Hmm…more on this later.
[61] Because Hermes is the God of roads and travelers, I assume.
[62] The state of Georgia is known for its peaches here in the US.
[63] Great Uncle Helly is probably Helios.
[64] "A pox on" is part of a phrase from Romeo and Juliet. It's an insult. I think it basically translates to: "Get sick and die."
[65] Charlotte as in Charlotte's Web, the book, and the web of the book's titular character, Charlotte the spider. So, I guess Hermes is on spider web thin ice. Hot tamale is a type of food but also means an attractive person.
[66] Uh…I think she's referring to the expression that the clothes make the man, so she's wondering if her maiden outfit is encouraging Peter to act more like a Hunter.
[67] One more time. This translates to: I didn't like it. I didn't like it one jiffy of a bit
[68] All aboard the Friend Ship! HMS stands for Her Majesty's Ship in many countries, though not in the US.
[69] Spiderier as in Spider-Man and the famous line: With great power comes great responsibility.
[70] Her (Our) Peter as opposed to Peter Parker aka Spider-Man.
Also, have I mentioned, my Delta Reader the witty and wise March4fun is writing a Spider-Man Hero Aca fic? Because he is and it's full of wonderful characters: Old Man Tony Stark, the Last Avenger, is snarking. Jean Grey is trying to be her own person, instead of just Scott Summer's girlfriend. A Tom Holland-like Peter is trying not to screw up his shot at being the number 1 hero. There's a whole slew of other Marvel faces (Vice Principle Magneto, Teenaged Black Panther, Gwenpool, Groot, Ned, Hulkling, and more~) and all of them acting within the wicked cool Hero Aca premise of what happens when the mightiest hero, in a world of professional heroes and dastardly villains, has to retire and his successor is some wholesome greenhorn. Needless to say, it's a ~super~ fic and that concludes my plug.
[71] Coco Moo Moo is another way to say chocolate milk. As for the Orange Nectarine Cumin Pie, I have literally never heard of one existing. Though a part of me wonders if this is a really bad pun for Gomen or Gomenosai which are both Japanese words for sorry.
[72] Beautifully sure instead of being pretty sure.
[73] Andi promised Luke that he would get to see Grover again in the Sea of Monster fic. Prince charming in shiny hair is probably a combo of the prince charming archetype and a knight in shining armor.
[74] Primely as in primed which means ready.
[75] I forgot how freaking long this chapter was. I blocked out the wiggles from my mind, I think. Anyway, another footnote record smashed for better or worse. Lastly, besides this footnote, we could not find a single reference to the Wiggles TV Show in this chapter which my Delta Reader finds weird.
A/N: Phew! I am beat. I have a soft spot for every chapter in this fic, but this one...well. There is a reason this chapter took a bit to come out and it's not just because of the 75 footnotes, real-life problems, or the fact the site was broken for Outlook and Hotmail users last month (though all of those definitely contributed). This was just a LONG chapter(and you got the abridged version).
So since we're basically at the end of the arc, I'm officially going on break again. I'll come back when the taste of wiggles and burnout leaves my system. As always, I appreciate reviews and such...
Idk, I don't have a fancy outro or sales pitch today.
TTYL folks.