Forty-seven.
It was almost two a.m. when Olivia scratched Ed's belly over his t-shirt; it was the first step in what would be a brief wake-up-for-sex process, especially since Ed hadn't been asleep for long. Olivia was still nestled securely under his arm as she'd been since they crawled under the covers after sending G on her way in an Uber. Ed lamented the movie scene, he couldn't let it go, and Olivia assured him she was perfectly okay, she was used to dealing with occasional reminders of the trauma she'd endured.
"And," she said softly, with a hint of melancholy, "It's always going to be there, Ed. It doesn't leave."
"I hate that," he replied as he kissed her head and pulled her closer.
"I know you do...I do too...but...it's there...it's part of me...and...you," Olivia's voice shook slightly, "You stayed with me anyway…"
"Damn right."
After that, the talking subsided. Ed kept his secure hold on her and rested his cheek against her head. He took deep breaths and fought sleep for a while before drifting off into a deep slumber. Olivia laid her head on his chest, listened to his heartbeat, and concentrated on the feel of his arms, layered across her upper back.
She remembered how he'd held her this same way, years ago, when the entire Lewis story came tumbling out and culminated in violent, uncontrollable sobs. As they grew closer, Olivia revealed her past in bits and pieces, testing his reactions, and, each time, Ed Tucker received the information with a combination of compassion and steely resolve-it was the only reaction that allowed Olivia to be transparent but also comfortable with her vulnerability. Ed listened and told her what, if anything, he knew about the particular ordeal. When Olivia realized he actually knew very little about what she'd endured with Lewis, she worked up the courage to tell Ed the entire story. Afterward, she was an emotional and physical wreck, so much so that she told him she would understand if he wanted to leave.
He cocked his head, smirked, kissed her, collected her into his arms, and told her leaving was the absolute last thing he wanted to do.
Tonight, he'd done the exact same thing.
Cocked head.
Smirk.
Kiss.
Embrace.
And, "I'm stayin' with you forever" followed the "damn right."
He fell asleep and Olivia worked her way from ugly yet comforting memories to an extreme state of gratitude and affection for the man who refused to surrender more than a few inches between them as they slept during the night. She wanted and needed him...all of him.
Ed stirred and his face contorted a bit.
Olivia kissed his cheek and bit gently at his earlobe. She paused to gauge his reaction, propped herself on her hands, and repeated the steps on the other side of his face. By either instinct or reflex, his lower body turned toward hers. She felt his burgeoning erection and smiled as she placed soft kisses all over his face.
"Mmmmm…" he moaned.
"I need you to wake up," she made an obvious show of shimmying out of her pajama bottoms and tossing her tank top aside.
Ed's eyes were still closed but he managed to find her breasts and caress them while Olivia continued teasing him with kisses. At one point, impatience took over and Ed opened his eyes enough to find her lips and connect them with his.
"Baby," he rasped into her mouth.
Hearing the apprehension in his voice, Olivia stopped all movement, including kissing, until he opened his eyes.
"Liv?"
"I need you, Ed."
Her tone was neither urgent nor was it filled with angst. It was filled only with desire. He smiled and cupped the back of her head.
He loved her needing him.
…..
"MAMAMAMAMA!"
"Mommy!" Noah pounded on the door, "Time ta get outta bed!"
"MAMAMAMAMA!"
Olivia and Ed snuggled together in the middle of the mattress. Ed caught a glimpse of the iPad, wondered for a second when they would ditch the device, and grinned at the sight of Wyatt peacefully conked out. Maggie's crib was empty, for Noah had used his trick to spring her from bed.
"The door's open, sweet boy," Olivia called to him. She and Ed chuckled at Noah's faint "oh" and they braced for a Noah and Maggie invasion. Sure enough, Noah boosted Maggie onto the mattress, he followed, and they both bounced around their groggy parents.
"P'CAAAAAKES!" Maggie bellowed.
"I tell Maggs we c'make breakfast!"
Olivia buried her face into Ed's neck and murmured, "I don't know if we have ingredients…"
"I'll go out," Ed replied, "Or...No? You wanna go out to eat?"
"YEAH!" Noah shouted.
"YEAH!" Maggie echoed. She shrieked and collapsed onto her parents.
Olivia played with Maggie's wavy brown locks and grinned at her precious daughter. Maggie's robin's egg blue pajamas intensified the color of her eyes. The little girl lit up the room. Olivia kissed Maggie's cheeks, punctuating each peck with an exaggerated "MWAH!" Maggie repeated the sound as she kissed Olivia's cheeks and then moved on to Ed.
"We gotta get Wyatt up!" Noah said. "Wyatt always wanna sleep!"
"Wyatt's understands the value of rest," Ed joked.
Noah peered at the iPad, "Brother's still snoozin!"
Olivia lifted her head and looked at the screen. Contrary to Noah's observation, Wyatt was stirring. "I'll go get him," she said and turned to Ed, "Can you get these two ready?"
Ed stuck out his lips for a kiss. Olivia obliged, grinned, and went to rock Wyatt until her little boy was as alert as his siblings. On her way to the twins' room, she heard Noah ask if this particular day was the retirement party.
"No, bud," Ed replied, "That's next week."
"Den we go to da beach!"
"Yep. Gonna be great, huh?"
"Yessss!"
Olivia watched her feet as she plodded across the apartment. A week from now she would no longer be an active duty police officer. No more Lieutenant Benson. Way more of Mrs. Tucker and Mommy and Liv and Livvie and every other moniker used by her family.
She closed her eyes and rotated the shoulder of the arm that had been pierced by the bullet a few months earlier.
Family.
Her family.
"Maaaaaa!"
Her head snapped up when she heard Wyatt calling her. "Right here, sweetheart!" She said, grinning as she entered the room. "Mommy's right here!"
….
When Olivia retired, both she and Ed assumed they would spend much of their free time volunteering at the kids' school; however, the vision was completely and solely in their heads, for the school only solicited help from parents during the holidays and on special occasions. So, the Tucker parents were mainstays in the fall and winter and also during Teacher Appreciation Week, but any other involvement was the same as other families-pickup, drop off, and chaperoning the occasional field trip.
When Ed and Olivia sat down for the conference with the twins' teacher, they had only been in the classroom two or three times since the beginning of the school year. They listened patiently as the teachers politely complained about Miss Maggie Tucker's affinity for conversation and her distaste for redirection. Olivia liked the art and gym teachers best-they raved about Maggie's ability to make friends and her willingness to work with any other student. They reported she was enthusiastic and cooperative, although she did offer her opinion when an activity or a project didn't quite match her vision. The regular classroom teacher, however, relayed a different story.
"Maggie is so enthusiastic, which I love. She loves to learn. However, she has trouble calming down, though, when she gets excited."
"Second grade," Ed murmured, "She should be excited about school."
"True," the teacher replied, "But, for example, we read a book called The Best Chef in Second Grade and Maggie talked so much about cooking with you and her brothers, well, she didn't complete the assignment."
Olivia assessed the area. She needed to make physical contact with Ed before he exploded. "We, ah," she patted Ed's forearm. It was the best she could do. She, Ed, and the teachers were all sitting in a circle with no table between them. "We do cook together a lot, and it's very special for us and the kids. I can see how she would have been more excited than the average student. And we'll talk to her about making sure she does her work. I, um, I didn't see anything in the folder home or online or I would have asked her about it."
Ed sat back and smirked at Olivia's indirect jab at the teacher's record keeping. At the beginning of the year she'd stressed the importance of checking the homework folder and the web-based grading system and apparently had trouble following through with her own procedures.
"Maggie is so smart," the teacher continued, "and so is Wyatt. They're both way ahead of the other kids as far as basic skills, especially reading, reasoning, and critical thinking. I only wish Maggie would focus a little more...she seems to discount the work a lot of times, she'll finish quickly so she can socialize, but the other kids don't finish as quickly. Wyatt does a great job of going to the activity board when he finishes early."
Before Olivia could stop him, Ed snapped, "So, you're sayin, if Wyatt talked more we wouldn't be here?"
The teacher's face fell. Olivia felt a tiny bit bad for her. She was young and idealistic but also terribly inexperienced, especially in parent conference protocol. A veteran teacher would have addressed the immediate issue only and left Wyatt out of it.
"We'll speak to Maggie," Olivia smiled brightly and started to stand up. "And we don't condone her being disrespectful or not following directions. You can expect an improvement immediately."
Ed remained silent. When they shook hands, he mumbled an insincere "thanks." Olivia cast him an annoyed glance out of the corner of her eye and, once they were alone, she reprimanded him for being so standoffish at the end of the meeting.
"You could have cut her a little slack," Olivia said, "She's only trying to make sure she has control of the class."
"I get that," Ed replied, "She doesn't have to compare the two of them. What the hell was that all about? Wyatt goes to the activity board...what the hell does that have to do with Maggie?"
"What's the activity board?" Olivia asked in an effort to try and calm him down.
Ed turned to her and smirked. "I suppose...it's what they do when they finish first?"
"Yeah…"
"Our kids always finish first."
"Sounds like it." They waited for the light to change and Olivia leaned in for a kiss. "You're such a good dad. A little overprotective, but a very good dad." She gave him a gentle nudge to punctuate her friendly barb.
"Our kids, Liv…"
"I know."
…..
Olivia spent her final week at SVU tidying up certain cases and preparing her office and files for Rollins who had spent the past few months preparing to take over. She'd taken and passed the Lieutenant's exam and had spent several days shadowing Olivia in order to truly get a feel for the job. Lieutenant Benson was out in the field more than most commanding officers, and Rollins soon developed a newfound appreciation for how hard Olivia had to work to keep up with both the administrative and investigative sides of the job.
The final day began normally-she kissed the kids and Ed goodbye and arrived at the precinct with her bag slung over her shoulder and coffee in hand. Upon entering the squad room she was met with a huge banner reading Thank You Lieutenant Benson and a spread of bagels, lox, and cream cheese.
"Man, Liv," Fin said, "Been quite a ride."
"Sure has," Olivia murmured. "You're next, Sergeant."
"Countin' down the days." Fin put in his retirement papers a few months after Olivia and was going to retire at the end of December. Olivia was secretly pleased he was staying on. She trusted Rollins, but it would have been a tricky adjustment for SVU to lose its two longest serving officers all at once.
"So whatta we doin today, Lieu?" Sonny asked.
"You...are working," Olivia said. "And so am I, at least, for the morning. We have the Stuyvesant Town assaults to look into, remember?"
"Tucker comin by?" Amanda asked.
"Later...to pick me up." Olivia steeled her jaw and wrapped a napkin around the rest of her bagel, "Okay, let's get started." Once in her office, she noticed something on her chair. It was a small envelope addressed to her in Ed's handwriting.
Dear Liv,
I know you're having some mixed emotions on your last day. I hope you have a good one. I also hope you know how important your job at SVU has been and how much you've elevated the prestige, professionalism, and efficacy of the unit. I know you don't like taking all the credit, but you deserve it, Liv. When I see you later today, I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am of you.
All my love,
Ed
P.S. I didn't mean to make you cry first thing…
Olivia grinned and wiped away a few tears that had pooled in the corners of her eyes. She sent an I love you text message to Ed, sat down, and powered on her laptop. For the rest of the day, she lost herself in the investigation, took a break to go out to lunch with the Chief of Detectives, and returned to her office where she worked until the late afternoon. Either intentionally or not, the squad left her alone for the hour or so before Ed was scheduled to arrive and surprise her with the Benson Center reveal.
Olivia carefully packaged what was left of her personal belongings-a few favorite photos, desk knick knacks, and an NYPD coffee mug she'd received on her very first day of work. It was still shiny, unblemished, and new-looking; Olivia hoped she'd weathered the past thirty years just as well as the mug had. She thought of herself then-a twenty-something newbie trying to both learn the ropes and change the world, full of idealism and lofty goals-Olivia never considered, in those early days, that the job would take her to the darkest depths of humanity and torture both her body and soul.
She recalled certain victims and perps who would be, for different reasons, forever etched in her memory. She wondered what it would be like to not have to bear all the job-related weight, the stress of trials, and the heat of tense investigations. A few uniformed officers hustled through the squad room. They both held plastic evidence bags and their black belts gleamed even in the dim light. Olivia patted her Glock. She couldn't remember life without that accessory. Would she miss clipping the shield to her belt each morning? Would she even notice?
It was an odd feeling to be on a precipice from which she could see her past and her future-two starkly different panoramas. On one side were the hundreds of women, men, and children on whose behalf she'd fought for justice for three decades, Noah included. On the other were the faces of her husband and children-it was strange to think that, in a couple of hours, they would be the only people in the world Olivia had to worry about.
After a deep breath, Olivia took one last look around. Tomorrow, Rollins would move in and adorn the walls and shelves with relics of her own career and family. The occupant would change, but the office would always, in a way, belong to Lieutenant Benson.
….
Olivia picked up her office phone and barked a gruff "hello" into the receiver. She didn't feel like dealing with IAB because of Carisi and his almost-brother-in-law. They had a solid case backing Tommy's accusation, and she was already on the defensive, ready to parry an attack on her leadership. She predicted the first question out of Tucker's mouth would be why she allowed Carisi anywhere near the case after the initial disclosure.
"Sergeant," Tucker greeted her in the familiar, gruff voice.
"Hello Tucker."
"Feel like bumpin' in to me later?"
"Pardon?"
"I gotta officially tell you to watch your detective closely on this case and I'd rather do it over a drink."
Olivia hid her smile as if he could see her. Butterflies fluttered around in her stomach and she rolled her eyes-Tucker was making her smile? Make her feel giddy? Had the world completely flipped upside down in the past few weeks?
They met at a bar equidistant between their two offices and Olivia joked about whether or not she was allowed to order a glass of wine.
"Thought ya took to the bourbon," Tucker replied, pretending to be hurt.
"Wasn't bad."
"Just a wine kind of day, huh?"
"I think so."
Once they were served, Olivia assumed Tucker would launch into his procedural spiel, but he drifted further and further from the reason he had given for the impromptu meeting. He talked about the frigid February temperatures, asked about Noah, and expressed his frustration with his younger daughter's lackadaisical attitude toward adult life.
"I cannot believe a member of the Tucker family is having trouble being serious," Olivia teased.
"Baffles the hell outta me."
The bartender approached them to say his shift was over and that he was transferring the tab to "Jordy" who promptly appeared from the kitchen and said a hearty, too-friendly hello. He wiped a place at the corner of the bar which had been recently vacated and asked if he could get Ed and Olivia anything else.
"Another round?" Ed asked her.
"Sure."
Jordy quickly swapped their empty glasses with freshly poured ones. "There ya go. Got a good start to date night goin' on there."
He strode to the opposite end of the bar to check on other customers, leaving Ed and Olivia to exchange coy smiles in silence, each daring the other to speak first, thus setting the stage for how serious they would take the comment.
"He likes to talk," Olivia finally said of the bartender, "Hope word doesn't get out that I was on a date with Lieutenant Tucker."
Ed smirked. "I don't know that I'd mind all that much if word on the street was I was on a date with you."
Blood rushed to Olivia's cheeks, and she was certain she'd never been so pleasantly embarrassed in all her life. "Do you...do you date much?"
"Nah. Lately, not at all. You?"
"Me? Yeah, sure, a bunch. With Noah."
"No Cassidy?" Ed diverted his eyes and took a gulp of the bourbon. Though he knew it was risky to ask that particular question, he had to know.
"No," Olivia replied, "That's...very much over and would be kinda tough anyway with him in Florida." Olivia emphasized the last two words because Ed knew damn well Cassidy had retired and moved down south.
"Oh, yeah," he mumbled. A devilish smirk formed on his face and he added, "Guess I committed a date no-no...bringin' up old boyfriends."
"Definitely a faux pas."
"Damn, my reputation's gonna take a hit."
"We'll pretend it didn't happen."
"Thanks, Sergeant, I owe ya one."
"Anytime. So," Olivia turned so she was completely facing him, "Are you working up the nerve to ruin this lovely conversation and browbeat me about having Carisi on the case?"
The words visibly stunned Ed. He blinked and replied, "Nope. 'Cause that's not what this is. Well, I told ya on the phone...Minute you think he's losing objectivity, he needs to stand down."
"Understood."
Tucker didn't like the formal reply. "So, now that that's done...you, uh, you want to, uh. Let's revisit this whole date thing." He grinned and asked, "Can I take you out to dinner sometime? Get us both outta the drought?"
"Wow, um," Olivia brushed a few strands of hair off her face, "Yes, I think...I think that'd be nice."
Engulfed in nervous silence, they both sipped their drinks and stared ahead into the arrangement of bottles stacked in front of a grimy mirror. Ed wasn't used to being this unsure of himself; Olivia processed the shocking fact that Tucker had asked her out on a date. When they dared to resume their conversation, their drinks were almost gone.
"Prolly gotta go?" Tucker asked.
"Yes," Olivia replied. "I'm on a streak of being home in time to put Noah to bed. Don't want to break it."
She eyed the bills Tucker produced from his wallet, thanked him, and said she'd pick up the tab next time. The temperature and winds were frigid, so what could have been an awkward, protracted goodbye ended with Tucker giving her arm a quick squeeze.
"Stay warm, Sergeant."
Olivia smiled, nodded, and replied, "You too."
On her way back to the precinct parking lot, Olivia laughed at how she was admittedly disappointed Tucker hadn't tried to kiss her.
…
The retirement party unfolded in three stages. First, cocktails and hors d'oeuvres were served and Olivia was surrounded by clusters of well-wishers. People like Don Cragen, Casey Novak, Alex Cabot, and Elliot Stabler commandeered most of her time. They huddled together around the bar and caught up on one another's lives. Across the terrace, Ed and Cole leaned against the brick wall and stared into the downtown skyline. Cole didn't exactly qualify as a close Benson friend, but Ed invited him anyway so he would have someone to talk with. Most invitees who were members or former members of the NYPD barely managed a muttered hello when they saw Tucker.
"Brooke and Sarah look good," Cole remarked, "And I met your new son-in-law. Seems nice."
"He's a good guy," Ed replied, "And kinda tempers Sarah, so that's a plus."
"Where's your mom?"
"Carisi went to go pick her up. She had somethin' at the church this morning," Ed looked around, "Too bad Jeannine couldn't come. I haven't seen her in a while."
"Now that you and Liv have all this free time we'll have to get together."
"We'll do that. Goin' to the beach next week with the whole family, so we'll set something up for when we get back."
"How long are you staying?"
Ed smirked, "Who knows? Until Noah has to start school?" He let out a long, satisfied sigh. "Cole, man, I can't tell ya how glad I am I'll...have her...this is gonna sound bad, I'll have her to myself more."
"I understand," Cole said, "You can make up for lost time, and, Tucker, I've never seen you look at anyone the way you look at her."
"A couple weeks ago Brooke joked that we'd get sick of each other, but I don't think that's possible."
"Well," Cole said, "She's got the Center and the show...and kids' stuff. You can get breaks every now and then."
"Yeah…" Ed acknowledged the point but didn't look the least bit interested in taking breaks from being in the presence of his wife.
"You know you're gonna have to give her some space," Cole warned.
Ed hardly heard him. He'd shifted his gaze to his wife who was listening intently to something Alex was saying. On her face was a sympathetic smile, probably in response to the work Alex had been involved in since leaving the DA's office. After a few moments, she felt Ed's eyes on her, looked up, and winked at him. Ed's heart melted and his face turned beet red.
Cole noticed. "Ed, man…"
Ed shrugged. "Can't help it."
"Are you saying a few words later?"
"Sure am."
"You gonna be able to say 'em without passing out?"
Ed chuckled, "Absolutely. But...I'm sure some of these people would enjoy seein' that."
Cole laughed. "Probably."
….
#Tuckson