Chapter 30: Why Can't We Be Friends?
(Andi)
I frowned up at the dark throne before me. As a child of Zeus, I have A LOT of half-siblings, over half of the Olympians and so many others.[1] I liked most of my god brothers and uncles. My goddess sisters were…less peachy. Artemis seemed okay if you're into man-hating tomboys. Athena was Annabeth's mom. And Aphrodite was a floozy grimalkin tart who made Athena's jelly look like harmless honey.[2]
My aunties were the same. Hestia seemed like the nicest, in a spinstery way, while Demeter and Hera were the girliest of girls.[3] Most of the time, even goddesses couldn't help being just like other girls.
That's why my smile was upside down. I had really hoped that my uncle would be here today, but instead, his throne was empty and I was dealing with my big sister, Persephone.
She sat on her shadowy copy of an Olympian throne in this shadowy copy of an Olympian castle in this shadowy copy of Olympian heaven looking like the shadowy combination of Jessica Rabbit and Princess Merida's older sister with a voluptuous body that was covered in a flowing blush pink gown, pale rose skin, luscious copper orange hair, and two novel green eyes.[4] And of course, she had a shadowy copy of the same menorrheal expression that every girl seems to give me when we first meet.[5]
"Andromeda, I wish I could say it is a pleasure to meet you," she said girlily, "but that would be a lie. You have been here for less than a day, yes? And yet, you have already made such a tangle." [6]
"I just wanted to do my civic duty as a person of the world," I told her, my frown narrowing.
"And how does beating up Charon, stealing his ferry for a joyride through Tartarus, stopping to chat with one of our most dangerous residents, and then inviting countless penniless souls to a free boat party across the River Styx, qualify as doing your civic duty?" Persephone asked foolishly.[7]
I just looked at her, thinking righteous thoughts. If Hades was here, he'd understand, but I suppose he was too busy having shadowy fun with Nico.
Persephone sighed judgmentally. "You might be worse than Heracles and that is really saying something.[8] Do you have any idea how much your stunt will cost?" Before I could answer, she added, "No, you don't. Thanks to that fancy card of yours, underworld traffic will be…" [9]
I stopped listening as Persephone droned on and on. She really just didn't get it. Seeing poor unfortunate souls made my tummy ache and my eyes water. I felt so bad for the dead people here, especially for all of the souls stuck on the living side just because they hadn't thought to be buried with their money. The fact you needed money to die properly was total tommyrot just like the rest of the underworld. Even though I'd been here before, I forgot what a sucky Hooverville this place was![10]
I knew that this was Nico's Dad's home, but everything here was just so down-at-the-heels dull and dark and damp and drab and dismal and dim and dingy and dusty and dry and decrepit and dreary and drafty and depressing and just deficient, destitute, dubious, dilapidated, and really really really Dead with a capital D!
The people, the air, and even time was mostly dead down here. Moving around became a Herculean effort. Flying was a big no-no.[11] My mini master bolt was basically a glowing stick.[12] And I just didn't like being down here in the shadowy squalor. This place gave me an Atlantic case of the grump-grumps and—[13]
"Andromeda?" Persephone said with shadowy displeasure.
"Yea?" I replied with shining displeasure.
"I asked why you have come," Persephone said, not unhelpfully I guess. "You know that your Apollo boy is not here, yes? And Nico, he cannot leave yet."
"I'm not here to take Nico or Luke away," I said, explainingly. "I'm on a side quest."
Persephone sat up a bit. "Oh?"
I nodded. "I'd like to take your dog for a walk."
For the first time since I'd seen her, Persephone smiled. "Our brother," she concluded. "I asked him for someone to walk the dog ages ago. My husband, he has been gone so often recently and his dog needs a lot of love and attention. But," she eyed me, "are you positive you can handle this? Even Heracles found Cerberus to be…troublesome." [14]
I turned my own smile right side up. "We got along well the last time I was here." [15]
Persephone nodded. "Yes. Yes. I did hear this. My son, he told me all about it."
"Your son?" I asked confusedly, frowning again. "You mean Zagreus?" [16]
Persephone put a hand to her mouth like she was going to throw up. Her words became strained.[17] "That interpretation, it gets me every time.[18] No, no, not him." She recovered herself. "I was speaking of my son, Nico."
I narrowed my eyes at her. "But you're not Nico's mom," I said slowly, "He's a demi-god." [19]
Persephone lowered her hand and I saw that her smile had turned wicked. She hopped down from her high throne. Her orange hair and pink dress changed. When she landed, she had transformed into a 1940s Italian raven-haired starlet in a black dress, gleaming pearls, and veil.
Glitz and glam!
The dame looked exactly like the picture Nico had shown me of his mom!
As my mouth smacked open and closed like a holy mackerel, the glitterati spoke in Italian which I understood perfectly.[20] She said smoothly, "One of the many secrets to a successful marriage to outlast all others is having the ability to shake things up occasionally. Every demigod child of Hades is a child of one of my mortal incarnations.[21] The same is true of my demigod children. Their fathers are all Hades. My husband and I, we make a game of trying to find our mortal selves for each generation. It gives us something to do while I'm away for the summer. It is great fun."
"That's a dolly ditz of a game," I told her frankly.[22] It was Kian and Apian all over again. This was more than a change in eye and hair color. It was a change in soul color.
Maria di Angelo chuckled and flicked her wrist so that her hand made a strange womanly gesture. "You are too much, cara.[23] No wonder why the other goddesses are jealous of you."
"Aren't you jealous?" I asked, warily.
"Che scemo," the starlet shook her head and I watched as her dark hair became copper and Persephone went back to looking like herself.[24]
"No, Andromeda, I am not jealous. I understand the road you walk. There was a time when many thought I was the most beautiful goddess around. Before I met Hades, my life…it was not good. Most people don't understand the frustration of being desired, but unseen. The loneliness is a very heavy burden to bear."
I stared up at her, my eyes wide as stars and twice as bright. I groked that.[25] I groked that so hard.
"Especially yours," she added sagely, "since Aphrodite has cursed you. No, I could never be jealous of that."
"So…" my voice became light despite the dark air. "Can we be friends, Big sis?" I opened my arms, ready to hug my first true sister-sister.
"No way in hell," Persephone sallied, heartbreakingly.[26]
"Oh." I dropped my arms to my sides. My heart crashed into my stomach and I felt like the silliest willy in the whole wide underworld. I knew most girls were just like other girls, but I kept hoping that one would be nearly as special as I was. I don't know why.
My mean siren sister kept talking. She explained. "You belong to Nico, Andromeda. For as long as you are my son's friend, I will only be his mother to you. It is better that way."
"Why is that better?" I asked. How was having fewer friends better? And why did my sister care about being the parent of my friend when my brothers didn't?
It didn't make sense. Girls didn't make sense. The whole underworld didn't make sense. Pe—
"In spite of your boisterous nature, I think that you are a good friend to Nico and I know he values your companionship," she said confusingly. "I do not want that to change and it could if you attempt to befriend me and my son at the same time. Be patient and content yourself with being my son's playmate…and nothing more, yes? I am not stepping to the side for you to beguile my son. My Nico, he is a growing boy and he needs a partner who will provide joy and laughter, yes, but also peace and solace for his tender and well-worn soul.[27] You are not that."
This was getting shadier and shadier. First Bianca and now Persephone, why did everyone think I had the hots for little Nico? We were just friends. He was practically my little brother and I couldn't…
"My hope," she continued, over my thoughts, "is that you find your lost Apollo boy. I suspect others have probably told you, but let me again confirm for you that he is not down here."
"Ti capisco, Dama," I said before biting my lip.[28] We had hit maximum shade. All thoughts of my sister and cousin-nephew-friend were replaced by the most important person in all of existence except possibly me, Luke.
I was glad he wasn't in the underworld. Along with it being boring and lame, the place always made me feel smaller and bluer than a Western Pygmy Blue.[29] Even with my big entrance and grand gesture, I had only saved a fraction of the souls waiting to cross and more people died every second I was down here. I wasn't sure how Nico's parents dealt with the sheer enormity of all the death, failure, and endings. So, it was a good thing to know Luke wasn't here, but where was he?
That was the biggest question in my life right now and I was really struggling to find the answer.
"Do not look so sad and lost, Andromeda," Persephone advised, mind-readingly. "Nico is a better person than I and as for your lover, call it woman's intuition, but I have a feeling you'll find him when you're ready."
That was something and way more than anyone else had said, but it was also beautifully useless. "Could you be more specific, Dama?" I asked. "I prefer to measure my time in jiffies, but I'll take it in bits, shakes, moments, heleks, kè, or even plain old seconds." [30]
Persephone just smiled sagely at me and chuckled before saying, "You really do remind me of Heracles, cara. So, impatient. Now, come. Let me show you to Cerberus's dog house."
With that, she set off down a shadowy hallway.
Before I could follow her, she turned back and added, "Also, no more of this Dama nonsense. You are not one of Artemis's maidens. I am your friend's mother, yes? Call me Ms. Di Angelo." This time her smile was warm and what I imagined a mother's smile should be like.[31]
I gulped down the horrid underworld air and my rotten feelings and made myself say, "Sure thing, Ms. Di Angelo."
Then I caught up with her and we both started moving again. I did my best to skip gracefully along the shadowy stone halls with Ms. Di Angelo leading the way to Cerberus. She told me stories about Nico when he was just a little little kid and I put a happy-go-lucky smile on my face and told myself to focus on the fruit growing in front of me.
My Peter side quest was progressing pretty swelly and I was truly punched that Ms. Di Angelo hadn't added to the scope of it at all.[32] Time worked differently in the underworld, so I could not tell how long I'd been down here. I just knew that every jiffy…no every instant mattered.[33]
Before I could save Luke or Artemis or even make friends with another member of the female species, I had to befriend Peter by saving his stuff which meant I needed to complete my mission to walk my favorite shadowy colossus of a pupper![34]
Footnotes
[1] There are 12 main Olympians: Zeus, Hera, Poseidon, Demeter, Athena, Apollo, Artemis, Ares, Hephaestus, Aphrodite, Hermes, and either Hestia or Dionysus. Depending on how you count it, 5 to 8 of them are children of Zeus. According to Wikipedia, Zeus's children include: Aeacus, Agdistis, Angelos, Aphrodite, Apollo, Ares, Artemis, Athena, Britomartis, Dionysus, Eileithyia, Enyo, Epaphus Eris, Ersa, Hebe, Helen of Troy, Hephaestus, Heracles, Hermes, Lacedaemon, Melinoë, Minos, Pandia, Persephone, Perseus, Pollux, Rhadamanthus, Zagreus, the Graces, the Horae, the Litae, the Muses, and the Moirai. So, yeah…that is a lot.
[2] Alright…a floozy is a young woman who has many casual sexual partners or who dresses or behaves in a sexually provocative way. A grimalkin is a spiteful old woman. A tart is a dessert, but it also refers to a promiscuous woman, a woman who has many sexual partners, or a prostitute. Jelly is a spread, but it also is a way of saying jealous.
[3] A spinster is an unmarried woman who is usually older than 30 which yeah, fits Hestia fairly well. Also, considering what Hera and Demeter are like in the PJO canon…fair.
[4] I love how Andi is just throwing all the shade on the underworld's décor. Ignoring the biased tone, her description of Hades' Palace is pretty canon accurate.
However, Persephone's appearance here differs from the canon. In her introduction in the PJO Sword of Hades side story, she hangs out in her special garden looking like a pale washed-out version of a beautiful woman with multi-colored eyes and a faded rainbow dress. Though to be fair, Persephone changes her appearance often according to the book she's in and presumably the season. She's been described as having blonde hair, black hair, sky blue eyes, brown eyes, watery gold eyes, and multi-colored eyes. Even so, here she's looking quite different. Like another underworld deity we met earlier, Persephone here is a redhead.
Now that that is out of the way, let's move on to the comparison Andi makes. Jessica Rabbit, despite her name, is not a rabbit. She's a sexy ginger and the wife of Roger Rabbit (who is a rabbit) in the movie 'Who framed Roger Rabbit'. Princess Merida is the main character of Pixar's Brave. She has wild orange hair. She doesn't have an older sister, but I assume this was just an effort to age her up.
[5] Menorrheal means the flow of blood at menstruation, so I guess Andi thinks Persephone and other girls look at Andi like they are having cramps (or at least uncomfortable) when they talk to her for the first time.
[6] Yeah, I don't know why Persephone talks like this…it's just a thing, yes?
[7] Yes, I too would have liked to have seen all this, especially Andi's chat with this mysterious stranger. More on this later.
[8] Heracles went down to the underworld for one of his 12 labors. I mentioned this before but: While he was down here, he saved Theseus from his snake chair, but left Pirithous behind. Again, do not feel bad for Pirithous. He and Theseus were being punished because they tried to kidnap Persephone, Queen of the Underworld and wife of Hades, and make her Pirithous's wife instead. Not the smartest of moves for Pirithous or Theseus (Friends should not let friends kidnap other people's wives). This is probably part of the reason why Persephone has a low opinion of Heracles. More info in footnote 14.
[9] It looks like Andi used her infinite money credit card to pay for the passage for those penniless souls. I sort of love how in this fic, the underworld has rules against people traveling without a paid fare to keep lines reasonable, sort of like the worse Disneyland ride ever.
[10] Hoovervilles were named after US President Hoover. They were shantytowns built in the US by unemployed and destitute people during the Great Depression of the early 1930s.
[11] Andi has been able to fly for a while, so she discovered she could not fly in the underworld during the Lightning Thief fic.
[12] I assume this has to do with the fact that Andi's mini bolt isn't that good against the dead and undead. I doubt she can smite souls.
[13] Atlantic as in the Atlantic Ocean which is the second-largest ocean on earth. The grump-grumps probably just means grumpiness.
[14] Heracles had a bit of trouble with this particular labor because he couldn't harm Cerberus, Hades' beloved dog, with weapons. Instead, Heracles wrestled the dog to the ground and then he escorted the dog to his quest-giver, King Eurystheus of Mycenae, who freaked the hell out and told Heracles to send the dog back.
[15] Andi and Nico tamed Cerberus together in the Lightning Thief fic.
[16] In some stories, Zagreus is the son of Hades and Persephone and in others, he's the son of Zeus and Persephone. Zeus is Persephone's father…so ew!
[17] I believe Persephone is laughing. The reason why is in the next footnote.
[18] Sometimes, Zagreus is just considered to be another name for Hades.
[19] Andi, girl. Rude.
[20] Now, why does Andi know Italian? Her fluency was mentioned in the Lightning Thief and Sea of Monsters fics, but not explained. I have a theory, but more on it later. As for the words: holy mackerel and glitterati are both 1940s slang. A mackerel is a type of fish. Holy Mackerel is something to say when you are surprised and glitterati is a term to describe rich people.
[21] Here we are with this mortal reincarnation concept again. I actually really like this. Hades and Persephone are basically the OTP of Greek Mythology. Ignoring the fling with Adonis (there's always something), they and Psyche and Eros are about as functional as high-profile couples can get in the ancient myths. The existence of PJO Hades demigods implies Hades cheats on his wife often-ish and that's…not great. So, I appreciate this change. It also means that Hazel and Nico in this universe are even more related than the typical godchildren.
[22] I assume Andi means doll dizzy which is 1940s slang for a boy who is crazy about girls.
[23] Cara means dear.
[24] Che scemo roughly translates to: How silly.
[25] In case you forgot, grok is a Martian word that means to understand profoundly and intuitively. It comes from the novel "Stranger in a Strange Land".
[26] Sally, along with being a girl's name, has a couple of other meanings. According to Google, it is both a sudden charge out of a besieged place against the enemy(as in sally forth) and a witty or lively remark or retort made as an attack or as a diversion in an argument.
[27] Is this a reference? No…the timing does not work, but it is an interesting coincidence.
[28] Ti capisco, Dama means: I understand you, Lady. Dama is an interesting choice. There are a few words that mean lady in Italian, but Dama also means draught (as in a cold draft from a window) and checkers, so Andi might be calling Persephone cold and calculating. Even so, this is the most respect Andi has shown a woman since the Lightning Thief fic.
[29] A Western pygmy blue is the smallest known butterfly in North America. It has a wingspan of 0.5 inches or 1.3 centimeters. They are also not very blue.
[30] These are all measures of time. I think the only one we haven't seen before is shakes. A shake is 10 nanoseconds or 10 to the -8th power.
[31] I suppose Andi thinks that because she is an orphan who was abandoned at birth, she wouldn't know.
[32] I assume Andi means pleased as punch as in happy. I also love that she's concerned with the scope, of all things.
[33] As established, a jiffy is 1/50 or 1/60 of a second. An instant is the smallest non-zero non-negative amount of time possible i.e. 1/infinity. Also, if Andi had been listening to Persephone, Andi would know that she has been down here for less than a day.
[34] You probably guessed that pupper is a way to say dog or puppy. Colossus means a statue that is much bigger than life-size, but I think the more apt definition here is a person or thing of enormous size, importance, or ability. Also, considering Andi's tendency to make multi-references, I don't think it's a coincidence that this sounds similar to the title of a very popular 2005 game called Shadow of the Colossus (it is a very good game).
A/N: Hi all,
I made a major breakthrough on Of Rats and Royals. So while that is stewing, I decided I should publish Sue's Curse.
I hope you enjoyed the beginning of Andi's underworld adventure. Next time, we will see how Peter and crew are doing.
See you later!