Chapter 31: Zoë Does Not Get To Speak With Management
(Peter)
Because this was the sixth time I'd fallen to my possible death this year, I couldn't summon the energy Grover and Bianca were putting out.[1] Maybe once the ground made its inevitable appearance, I would start freaking the fuck out and screaming bloody murder like a normal person who hadn't gone to hell and back.
At the moment though, I took advantage of my cold detachment and occupied myself by 'swimming' to the edge of this giant shithole. Judging by how Grover's and Bianca's screams were echoing around, we were in a metal chamber. It was a long shot, but I hoped that perhaps I'd be able to slow my fall by using the Sue's bracelet to create friction against the pastel-colored walls.
That's right I said pastel. Unlike the last 5 times I'd fallen from an incalculable height, it wasn't pitch black in here. After the first couple of seconds of darkness, lights had clicked on. The flat fixtures covered parts of the wall. Some of them spelled out motivational statements and other platitudes like:
"Failure is the chance to begin again!"
"We apologize for the inconvenience."
And insultingly,
"Keep Calm and Keep Fallin'"
I would say that line in particular killed whatever dramatic tension this fic was going for. However, said tension returned when I finally reached the wall of the chasm and Zoë shouted over the din, "What are you doing, boy!"
My immediate reaction was to look down at Grover who was below me and curled into a wailing ball, but a second later, I realized she was talking about me. I turned towards her and saw she had her bow out.
Shit.
"I'm trying not to fall?" I replied hopefully.
"Stop trying," she ordered.
I pushed away from the admittedly slick wall. "I only wish to be useful," I said cautiously. I had no plans to fuck up again and die because I swore at the wrong person.[2] And according to my second-hand memories, Zoë could definitely be that person, especially since I didn't have Percy's plot armor and I hadn't helped with the lion. I was just a useless male to her.
Zoë said as much, when she retorted, "If you had wished to be useful, you would have convinced our strongest warrior to stay with the party. I do not know what you said to Andromeda, but I am sure her absence is due to thee or the satyr. If you value thy life and limbs, you will tell me: What did you do to drive her away?"
"I did not do anything worth mentioning," I said which was unfortunately very true…I still needed to apologize.
"Do not lie to me, boy. You bear Andromeda's shield. That did not come about by mere happenstance," Zoë said as she drew her bowstring back with an arrow ready to fly.
A stoic part of me knew it would be quite impressive if she hit me while we were falling, but I tried not to dwell on such fun facts. Instead, I did my best to understand her accusations.
What shield?
I didn't have…oh! Right!
Sunshine's bracelet doubled as her atrocious heart shield. It was probably the equivalent to the shield watch Tyson gave Percy in Chapter 19 of the Sea of Monsters.[3]
"Stop stalling, boy!" Zoë snapped.
"Sorry!" I began and hurried on to say, "I really don't know why Andromeda left or where she is. She basically just tossed her bracelet shield at me and disappeared."
Zoë did not look happy with that explanation, so I rushed to add, "However, I did see her and Grover speaking for a long time and they're friends." Sorry, Grover. "So, he probably knows something."
"You best hope he does," Zoë threatened with a scowl but then she thankfully redirected her bow and snapped, "Satyr! Cease thy baaing and tell me where Andromeda is."
Grover must not have heard us because he kept on baaing as Zoë called it.
Unlike with me, Zoë did not repeat her demand.
She just shot him.
"Ow!" he cried. Grover twisted to see the arrow sticking out like a second tail from his butt. "OW!" he said even louder, glaring up at us.
"Do not be such a kid. It is only a flesh wound," Zoë chided, missing the irony of her reference.[4] "Now answer me, or you will get another arrow: where is Andromeda Sunshine?"
"I don't know where Lady Andi is," Grover said. "She was talking with Bianca, and then she slowed her deer down to talk to Peter," Grover explained, throwing me back under the bus.
Zoë and another strung arrow turned back to me.
Damn it.
"It was nothing I swear," I said quickly before Zoë could shoot me like Grover. I had had my fill of arrows thank you very much. "Andromeda just gave her bracelet to me and—"
"She gave you her bracelet!" Grover stared up at me like I was crazy.[5] "Peter, are you for real?"
"Yeah, why would I—"
"Silence!" Zoë shouted. "Everyone needs to shut thy mouths! You too Bianca! Cowering is beneath the dignity of a Hunter!"
Bianca went quiet. Now that the last of the screaming was gone, I realized that the chamber had some elevator music playing softly in the background.
Where the fuck were we?
"What do you know of Andromeda," Zoë asked Bianca. "If these pitiful males are to be believed, she spoke with—"
Flomp!
Flomp!
Flomp! Flomp!
Each of us landed in some sort of dough soft pink cushion. It covered most of the floor.
"Curses," Zoë muttered. "I hoped I was mistaken."
"I didn't!" Grover whispered excitedly. "I can't believe this is happening!"
"What's happening?" Bianca and I both asked.
Before Grover or Zoë could answer, we heard:
"Ding Dong Dong Ding![6]
Welcome To The Remedial Artisan School of Hephaestus.
You Are At The SOUTHWEST LARGE BEING Entrance
If You Are Capable Of Speech, Please State Your Preferred Goddess."
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Grover said excitedly, "Peter, we're back!"
Back? Back where? I had no idea what he was talking about.
"I'm Sorry. I Did Not Catch That.
If You Are Capable Of Speech, Please State Your Preferred Goddess."
"I am Zoë Nightshade," Zoë began, "I wish—"
"I'm Sorry. ZOË NIGHTSHADE Is Not An Available Model. Please State A Different Goddess."
"Damnation to Hephaestus's toys," Zoë complained.
"I'm Sorry. HEPHAESTUS IS NOT A GODDESS THOUGH HE IS FLATTERED BY YOUR PREFERENCE. Please State A FEMALE Goddess."
I stifled a laugh.
Grover didn't.
"Ow!" he cried out.
Zoë had shot him again.
"I'm Sorry. I Did Not Catch That.
If You Are Capable Of Speech, Please State Your Preferred Goddess."
"Silence!" Zoë hissed. "I am trying—"
"Why don't you just say Lady Artemis?" Bianca asked.
"Congratulations!
You Have Chosen ARTEMIS, Goddess of the HUNT.
Artemis Only Associates With Physically Young Women. We Are Legally Obligated To Send A Representative To Confirm Your Physical Age and Gender.
Please Wait Here."
The elevator music returned and was at greater volume this time.
"Bianca," Zoë turned on her.
"What?" Bianca said. "It wanted a goddess. Who's better than Artemis?"
"Guys, what if we did it?" Grover asked before Zoë could say something sacrilegious.
"We are not guys," Zoë said, "and you are speaking nonsense, satyr. That automaton voice was not referring to the real Artemis."
"But what if Artemis came down here looking for a monster and got stuck and she's still here?" Grover asked.
There was a moment of silence. It was a decent idea, but I already knew the truth. "I don't think Artemis is here," I began, "I spoke to Apollo—"
"Do not speak of him to me," Zoë said.
"But why Zoë?" Bianca asked, "Apollo is Artemis's brother and he's pretty nice."
Nice?
Zoë huffed and said, "Lord Apollo may be Artemis's brother, but that does not make him a good or even a nice person. He is full of duplicity. Heed my advice and beware anything that man or any other man tells thee."
Hunter bias aside, there were no arguments from me on the Apollo front. The look on that sadistic bastard's face when he had me pinned down will haunt me until the day I die. Plus, he was fucking annoying.
Grover and Bianca felt differently. "But—" They each began.
"No more buts!" Zoë snapped. "I am tired of thy buts."
I coughed. Bianca bit her lip and Grover snorted.
"You must not be fooled," Zoë continued stoutly, without understanding what she'd said. "All men are evil. That is simply the way of things."
"But I'm not evil!" Grover protested.
Zoë didn't even look at him as she said, "You are not a man."
Grover looked like she had shot him with another arrow. "Why do you have to be such a tsun-tsun, Zoë!" he demanded.[7]
Tsun-tsun? Wasn't that an anime thing? It was! Oh, that's right. This version of Grover watched an absurd amount of ecchi harem anime.[8]
"Just because Her—" Grover continued.
"Silence Satyr!" Zoë snapped once again. "Do not speak of things you do not understand!"
"I understand plenty," Grover argued. "Artemis and the Hunters are the best, but Andi is right. Anyone should be able to join the Hunters, even me!"
Blasphemy!
I mean…fuck!
I held my stomach and swallowed hard.
"You!" Zoë sneered at Grover over my muddled thoughts and stomach pains. "As if Lady Artemis would allow thy lustful self anywhere near—"
"Hello!" boomed a deep echoing voice from behind us.
We all turned and saw a bronze foot the size of a fucking bus in front of us. I tried to look up to find the rest of the newcomer, but my eyes climbed up and up and up.
Well…Fuck me! Just what I fucking needed. The circumstances were different, but there was no mistaking it. This was…
"I Am Talass," the metal giant informed us.[9]
Talos, Talass, it didn't matter. I was already doing my best to get the fuck out of the giant robot's way. Standing up on the pink gooey floor was impossible, so I resorted to evasive maneuvers. I tried to roll away like Link, but that didn't work either.[10] I ignored my queasiness and started crawling away like a lowly spider.
Meanwhile, it continued speaking. "I Have Come To Confirm Your Suitability In Order For You To Work With Artemis's Likeness And To Guide You To The Shrinking Ray," it said.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Grover prep his slingshot.
"But There Seems To Be An Error."
Bianca and Zoë had rolled into a defensive position in an inverse Y formation with me and Grover as bait. They had their arrows ready to fly.
"You Are One, Two, Three, Four Beings."
I reached a good position away from Grover to do a creditable X formation with the other Hunters, but while Bianca, Zoë, and Grover had begun their attack, I was stuck struggling with the Sue's infernal bracelet!
How did I activate this damn thing!?
"One Male And One Two Females And One Other," the giant said before it knelt down and Grover and I got a good look at its face.
"Guys," Grover called. "Stop!"
I stopped fumbling with Sunshine's bracelet.
Zoë and Bianca kept attacking from behind, but I agreed with Grover. Seeing her up close, the giant…Talass, she had said, actually looked friendly and professional. She had on square hipster glasses and her metal hair was shaped in a bun.
Zoë managed to hit the giant in the eye by using a particularly impressive trick shot that required her arrow to ricochet off the walls several times. The direct hit only made the automaton blink. The metallic movement created a clacking sound. Talass's head turned impossibly to the 5 o'clock position to face Zoë. "You Are A Hunter," the giant said to Zoë.
The giant's head swiveled to look at Bianca at the 8 o'clock position and Talass repeated, "You Are A Hunter."
Then the head turn back toward me and Grover and the machine actually smiled. Her teeth were black which was creepy as fuck, but her tone was pleasant as she said, "Welcome Back Grover Underwood And Peter Johnson."
"Welcome back?" I repeated, baffled. Her too? I looked over at Grover.
He grinned and gave me two thumbs up.
"Your Aphrodite Bots Have Been Reassigned," the automaton informed us, "But Their Archived Memories Will Be Reinstalled To Newer Models. One Moment." Then Talass rattled off a string of letters and numbers:
"CODE 48756e7465722032
CODE 52657475726e696e67204172746973616e2032
ARTISAN 5065746572204a6f686e736f6e2031393837
ARTISAN 47726f76657220556e646572776f6f642031393738."[11]
While she did all that CPU talk, it finally clicked. I had a good idea about what was going on and I did not like it one fucking bit. I was already dealing with the New Moon nonsense and being sans plot armor and Miss Cheat Code.
Did I seriously have to deal with this bullshit too?
As if to answer my unasked question, Talass reached out with her large as white kidnapping van hands. She didn't touch us, instead, she used some sort of fan suction system to lift us into the air. Then the giant stood and we rose with her and found ourselves hanging several stories up in the air with nothing but wind to tether us.
This time, I did join in on the screaming. Even Zoë participated because fuck.
The Hunter was actually the loudest, saying, "Let go of me and my underlings this instant! I demand to speak with thy manager!"
"One Moment," Talass said as she turned her body and headed towards the far wall. Ignoring our screams, the arrows Zoë and Bianca shot at her, and the complaints the older Hunter sent her way, Talass continued in her loud cheery voice, "I Am Sorry. Management Is Unavailable At This Time. However, You May Rate Our PR Team Later.[12] We Hope You Give Us A 10 Out of 10 Would Do Again."
I almost groaned. However, at this point, we'd reached the wall and Talass hadn't slowed down. My irritation at corporate corniness was overridden by my fear of becoming a flattened piece of Peter for the 8th time in my life![13]
Thank God, that at the last possible moment, the wall opened to make way for us and suddenly I was no longer bothered by all the ways I could go crazy, get hurt, or die right now. All my focus was on the sight before me.
It left me speechless.
Footnotes
[1] I guess this must have happened a lot in Peter's Apollo dreams.
[2] And that's what I call character development.
[3] I really like that moment so I'm going to gush a little. All book Tyson was working on that watch and then to find out it was a gift for Percy…so precious. Anyway, Chapter 19 of PJO the Sea of Monsters is called "The Chariot Race Ends With A Bang" and yes, it predictably has a chariot race and more importantly, at the end, Percy claims Tyson as his brother in front of everyone. Again…so precious.
[4] A kid is a baby goat. This has to be a Monty Python Reference. There, the flesh wound in question was a missing limb.
[5] Andi is very protective of her bracelet. She had originally hoped to give it to a special someone as a gift.
[6] I don't know if this is intentional, but "Ding Dong Dong Ding" is apparently the Danganronpa sound effect to announce a dead body.
[7] Tsun-tsun refers to someone who acts cold, blunt, or curt. The onomatopoeia itself is actually the sound of someone sticking their nose up in the air, or turning away in disgust. Anime fans will recognize Tsun because it's usually paired with the word dere to describe someone who is initially cold but can be very affectionate.
[8] Peter still seems to be trying to remember stuff about his immediate situation…which is a little sad. Here though it might be confusing for you because even though Peter acts like this is a known fact, this is like the first time we see Grover talk about anime in this story. I have to assume that Peter and Grover have discussed anime at some point off-screen. However, in the Lightning Thief fic, Grover talks about anime a few times. He is a big fan of Love Hina and he compared Andi to Moka of Rosario +Vampire (both the sweet pink-haired civilian form and the step-on-me-please-senpai white-haired Over-Powered form) more than once. He also (wrongly according to Andi), prefers Special A to Maid-sama.
[9] So not quite Hephaestus's giant automaton from Titan's Curse aka Talos, but close.
[10] Rolling and backflips are some of the fastest ways to get around as Link in Legend of Zelda. I assume Peter's New Moon-self wanted to do the same.
[11] When I first read this, I had no idea what these numbers meant. However, my Delta Reader told me this was probably Hexadecimal and what do you know it is. Here's a translation:
CODE: Hunter 2
CODE: Returning Artisan 2
ARTISAN: Peter Johnson 1987
ARTISAN: Grover Underwood 1978
I assume 1987 and 1978 are birth years. I am pretty sure they match the chronological year where Thalia and Grover ought to have been born.
[12] PR means People Resources perhaps?
[13] More bad dreams I suspect.
A/N: Well, look at me go! The speed of this chapter getting out is due to a very special someone. You know who you are. Thank you!
I hope the rest of you enjoyed it. It was in my opinion more PJO-like than usual perhaps because a certain walking talking cheat code is missing at the moment? Next time we will check in with her and her unauthorized side quest. It'll be a very...let's call it "special" chapter. It'll probably require a trigger warning...but if you are still here at this point, it's nothing you can't handle.
See you later!