Sixty-one.
Caroline's backyard was alive with activity the day before Labor Day. Maggie and Wyatt ran around with plastic Little Tykes golf clubs. Noah had given up on trying to get the twins to play the game properly, so he and Ed played catch with a football while Maggie and Wyatt hacked away at the oversized plastic golf ball. Everyone else was on the deck seated on outdoor furniture Caroline had owned for years. Olivia took advantage of Maggie being distracted and doted on Sofia, whose first birthday was a couple of months away. She and Brooke had spent the day before planning her party, and Olivia was grateful for the rare time alone with the two of them. Sarah was swamped with new projects at work; not only was she missing the cookout, but she had been practically living in her office for the past two weeks. Justin kept busy working as a Teacher's Assistant for one of his former professors in addition to also taking EMT shifts. A year after he earned his Bachelor's Degree, he agonized over which career path to take, and was once again becoming the object of Brooke's tacit scorn. Ed and Olivia, as a couple, made a conscious decision to ignore her, but Olivia, nevertheless, remained troubled by Brooke's continued skepticism and was quietly relieved Sarah and Justin were absent on this final summer weekend.
"Thank God it's not so goddamn hot today," Caroline said, appearing from the kitchen and letting the screen door slam behind her. She handed a pair of tongs to Sonny who was manning the grill. "Eddie trusts you with the cooking, huh, Junior?"
"Hard to screw up hot dogs and burgers," Sonny quipped. "You didn't screw up the potato salad, didja?"
Caroline swatted his back. "Hell no." She pulled up a partially rusted metal wicker chair, glared at Sonny for a few seconds longer, and muttered, "He knows better than that."
"Caroline, your hydrangeas still look so gorgeous," Olivia said, "I'm surprised the heat didn't bake them, especially since they're in direct sunlight."
"Olivia my dear I don't even want to count how many hours and gallons of water I wasted on those damn flowers," Caroline replied, "My water bill's going to be ugly. I may need to take out a loan. Noah! Noah, don't let your Dad throw the ball into my flowers!"
"We're not, Gramma!" Noah called back to her. He then briefly turned his attention to Maggie and Wyatt. "Babies, don't hit da flowers!"
"Fower, NO!" Maggie tossed the golf club aside and ran for the bushes lining the side of the garage. The pastel-colored bulbs were suddenly alluring and Wyatt joined her. Seconds before they tore the petals from the stems Ed scooped them into his arms and deposited the twins on the other side of the yard.
"Monkeys in da middle!" Noah shouted gleefully. "Try ta get da ball, little monkeys!"
Over on the deck, Caroline observed the action with a gigantic smile on her face. "Olivia, it's probably a good thing you retired when you did, those two little ones are getting to have minds of their own."
"And they're fast," Olivia added. "I always feel a little guilty when we take them to the park or out anywhere because Noah is old enough now to keep an eye out and I'm relying on him to be a third parent in a lot of instances."
"I imagine it's hard to relax."
Olivia nodded. "It is...which is why I love these times more than you know. A lot of eyes. Fenced yard."
"I don't know how you do it," Brooke said, "I'm barely swinging it with one."
Ah," Caroline waved her hands in the air, "The first one's the hardest. After this one you could have three, four more and it'll be a breeze."
Brooke rolled her eyes. "Olivia, have you and Dad ever given any thought to moving out of the city?"
"We talked about it a few times before we bought the Delaware house," Olivia said, "But I don't want to take Noah out of his school, and he really loves the city. Having the beach is a good enough balance for now. And...with the center and the show...it's also where I need to be."
"So tell me more about this center and this show," Caroline said.
Olivia took a deep breath and gave Caroline a concise overview of both ventures. She explained how the Benson Center was intended to work as the bridge between all boroughs' Special Victims Units and the complex maze of counseling, housing, and other services survivors were entitled to yet often found overwhelming to navigate. "The Center's staff," she said, "Has a full time social worker and psychologist and they, along with me, will do the intake, make recommendations, and pair everyone with the proper services. Eventually, we'll do outreach, educational programs on prevention, reporting...work with schools...anyone who will have us."
"Ambitious," Caroline remarked.
"It's the...cap on my life's work."
Brooke was leaning forward, hanging on every word. "What about the show?" She eagerly asked.
"It is, eerily enough, patterned after the real SVU...the main character is...well, me," Olivia spoke as if her words had only, right then, made her realize how closely the premise mirrored her own career. "So we have to be very careful with it...I don't want it to become...a joke."
Caroline downed the rest of her drink. "Dearie, I am sure, if you're involved, it will be exactly what you want it to be."
"Thanks, Caroline," Olivia said, "That really means a lot. Seriously."
"I think it will be great, too," Brooke murmured.
Olivia smiled at her and lifted Sofia above her head. "We want you and Maggie and Wyatt and Noah in the safest world possible," she said to the baby. "I love you, Sofia Angelina!"
Brooke winced at Olivia's use of the moniker she'd given Sofia with the intention of honoring her mother. However, she was apparently the only one experiencing unease. Caroline baby-talked to her great-granddaughter, and Olivia held Sofia's hands as she stepped across the wooden slats to Caroline.
"I'm going to go help Ed," she explained, "Carisi, how's the food coming?"
Carisi inspected the burgers. The hot dogs were already sufficiently charred and on the warming rack. "Five minutes," he reported.
"You better not be cooking them to death, Dominick!" Caroline snapped.
"Low and slow, Caroline," he said, "Low and slow."
….
Mia blinked against the narrow ray of sunlight piercing Noah's living room from between the curtains. The scent of breakfast cooking greeted her, and she looked up to see Noah working assiduously over the stove in the small kitchen. He slid a steaming pile of scrambled eggs onto one platter and lined a plate with paper towels before stacking the bacon on top. In the toaster slots the thick bread stood ready to be browned, but Noah checked on Mia prior to pressing the button. She was standing now, smiling, and making her way to the L-shaped countertop clad in her pink plaid pajama pants and one of his well-worn high school t-shirts.
"Morning," she said, adjusting her ponytail so it sat directly on top of her head. "You have a regular Waffle House going on here."
"Waffle House?"
"This place...in the South...you don't know Waffle House?"
"No."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"Well, we have to get you out in the world more."
They both laughed, for Noah had been more places in the world prior to turning twenty-five than most people had been in their lives.
"But, anyway, thank you," Mia said, "After last night...I...need breakfast." Her dark brown, almost black eyes grew wide and they locked in on Noah. "Seriously," she said again even though she knew she used the word too much, "Thank you. You're, you've been...outrageously nice."
Noah shrugged. "You're welcome," he said, "But don't give me too much credit. "It's the way I was raised."
"Yeah...that's for sure," Mia said softly.
Noah poured a cup of coffee, arranged it on a saucer, and slid it, a spoon, and the sugar jar toward Mia. "Is that cynicism or jealousy?"
"Maybe both."
"Fair." Noah glanced at his breakfast which was quickly losing its heat. "You wanna eat?"
"Yes."
They shoveled the food in their mouths in relative silence. Mia complimented Noah's culinary skills; he downplayed the praise. Mia asked about the night before and he filled in the blanks with semi-embarrassing anecdotes, including Mia dropping a tray full of steamed dumplings on the floor of a nearby restaurant.
"I'm so sorry," she said.
"In your defense," Noah replied, laughing at the memory of Mia reaching across the table for a condiment, "I was hogging the Sriracha."
"I hate when you do that."
"You'll notice I gave you your very own, this morning" he smirked and nodded at the small tin cup on her plate.
"Thank you. I appreciate it." Mia simpered at Noah as he continued eating, "No?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
Visibly startled, Noah dropped his fork and took a step backwards. Mia had been a fixture in his life since they were in preschool together, but she was unpredictable. After elementary school, she attended a fine arts academy on Long Island only to return a year later to public school and then go back the next year. Her life had taken on the lackadaisical character of the way she'd been parented, yet she and Noah kept in touch and remained friends only for him to have his heart broken when she decided to walk away from the apartment they planned to share in order to pursue her acting dreams. Even then, Noah made excuses. He understood Mia; he was familiar with her restlessness, her desperation to follow her dreams and her heart rather than her head. But that didn't mean he was any less hurt. If anything, he was more dejected that he wasn't part of the master plan she'd been spinning in her head since she was a little girl.
Mia realized she'd completely stunned him, so she continued. "You're...ugh, ugh, I hate to say this because it's soooo cliche, but you're my best friend. Every time I've been lonely or in trouble or having a great time and on top of the world...every single fucking time, No, I miss you. I want you there. I am so," Mia buried her face in her hands, "I am so fucking awful and selfish. I probably always will be, it's...I can't help it….and I don't know what's going to happen, ever, but I do know, at every single point in my life when I've needed someone, you've been there. And when I've wanted someone to... . It's always been you. I'm sorry, I think I might still be drunk, I don't-"
"-Stop." No longer concerned about the food, Noah stared at Mia intently. He gripped the countertop until the cut edges of the granite began digging at his skin. "You know I've always loved you," he said softly.
"No," she replied, her eyes as intense as ever, "No, I don't know that. I've been horrible to you. How could you love me?"
"They're two different things," Noah replied.
Mia pondered this while staring at her plate. "You've always taken care of me...always been good, always…been," she groaned, struggling for words, and tears welled in her eyes, "Why, Noah? Why is it that we...can't stay away from each other? That's a sign, right?"
"You keep leaving and coming back," Noah said matter-of-factly, "You happen to be coming back to where I am. Probably because you know it's safe."
"I'm safe with you."
"I don't know if that's enough. To be safe with me…"
In Noah's experience, Mia had never gradually started crying. Since Kindergarten, she either steeled herself against grief and moved on or spontaneously erupted into loud, guttural sobs. This time, it was the latter. Noah didn't have the heart to let her suffer alone, so he rounded the counter and collected her into his arms.
"I want to be with you Noah," Mia murmured through her sniffles. "I know you want to be with me. Please, just say it. Say that we...can be we. I promise I won't leave. I won't…."
Noah closed his eyes while Mia finished rambling. In all of his relationships, not that there had been many, he'd always thought of his parents when he wasn't sure how exactly to proceed romantically. In this particular moment, he realized Mia had grown up seeing his parents love each other, lavish affection on their children, and walk the fine line between giving them everything they wanted and spoiling them to death. As they got older and reached adulthood, Noah had concluded that Mia wanted Ed and Olivia, not him, and that's why it was always so easy for her to wander in and out of his life.
Noah held her by the shoulders, at arm's length, and lowered his eyebrows so she would understand he was serious. "The next time you feel like you want to leave," he began slowly in the most even-toned voice he could muster, "Please talk to me first. Please act like...an adult...act like you're telling the truth that you love me...because you haven't acted like that...for a long time."
Mia reached up and touched his face. "I will. I promise."
Noah pressed his eyes closed for a minute, maybe more. Never in his life did he make spur-of-the-moment decisions unless the situation absolutely warranted it. Sarah and Maggie were better at that. He and Wyatt were thinkers and innately uncomfortable of making on-the-spot decisions. Maggie often got impatient with her brothers, for she saw everything-from what to order for dinner to which parties to attend-as black and white issues and decided things almost immediately. Wyatt and Noah agonized.
"I can't do this again, Mia," he added. "I can't-"
"-You've always been there for me," she patted his chest and cast him a tentative smile, "Let me...let me prove I can be there for you. Like a real couple. I've been awful, but we're supposed to be together. It's fate."
Noah nodded in appreciation, glad he didn't have to drag the admission out of her. "Okay."
"Okay."
Glancing down at the counter, Noah grabbed the forks they'd both abandoned and handed one to Mia. She took it, but, in the process, grabbed his wrist and showed no signs of letting go. "I love you," she said again, this time in a whisper.
"I love you, too." He smiled nervously and kissed her. They'd kissed before, but it had always felt like an experiment, like two friends innocuously finding their way in the world of intimacy. This time, though, Noah felt the spark was almost positive the chemistry was different. He knew. Perhaps he'd known since the day he gave Mia part of his cookie stash in preschool. She was...The. One. She always had been.
"Your breakfast is getting cold," he whispered.
"So's yours."
"Crispy bacon...like you like it. Almost burned."
"Noah?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you going to be terribly offended if I tell you I don't want to eat right now?"
Blushing, he smiled and shook his head. "No," he croaked, "I won't be offended at all."
…
Olivia hopped down the steps and jogged across the lawn with her arms outstretched, inviting a throw. Ed lobbed a pass to her. She caught it and playfully taunted the kids with a celebratory dance.
"Touchdown!"
"Ma! T'down!"
"Mamamamamama! BAH! MY BAH!"
"Maggs doesn't wanna share!"
"Tuh….DOWN!"
"GAH! Gamma! My BAH!"
"Hungy, mama, h'dog?"
The kids circled around their parents chattering loudly until Sonny announced the food was ready. "C'mon," Olivia said, jogging toward the house, "Let's go wash up. You're dirty, sweethearts!" She took the three of them inside and scrubbed and dried their grubby little hands in the small downstairs bathroom off the living room. "Noah, honey, I'll be right out. Will you take the twins back outside?"
"Yup!"
"Thank you, sweet boy."
"Welcome!"
Noah, Maggie, and Wyatt skipped back outside. Olivia washed her hands and splashed some water on her face. When she looked up from the sink, she saw Ed behind her.
"Hey," she said with a start.
"Sorry, didn't mean to startle ya."
Olivia smiled at him in the mirror and turned around, "You need to get in here?"
"Nope, well, yes," he said coyly, "Wanted a kiss."
Olivia made a show of approvingly eyeing him from head to toe. She could see his navy polo was a little damp from running around in the yard and his neck and arms had a healthy flush. He'd owned the khaki cargo shorts since before he and Olivia had started their romantic relationship and they were frayed at the hems and along the pockets. The muscular curve of his calves gave way to thick, strong ankles. He hadn't kicked off his shoes upon entering the house and blades of grass clung to the soles of his gray Nikes. Olivia stepped forward and held him by the wrists. She kissed his cheeks and neck, not caring that he was sticky and salty; and unbothered by the heat radiating from his body.
"Wish we had time for a shower," Ed said as he took a sharp breath.
"I brought an extra shirt for you," Olivia said, "Extra shirts for you, the twins, Noah...everyone's taken care of."
"I love you."
They locked eyes and Ed finally got his kiss. It was quick yet passionate and he groaned with disappointment when Olivia pulled away, slapped his back pockets, and told him she would see him outside. "Dinner's ready," she added with a wink.
"I'll be out in a minute."
"Okay."
Ed stuck his head into the hallway. "One more kiss."
"One more," Olivia gave him a quick peck on the lips, "I'll get the shirt for you, too."
"You're the best."
…..
Olivia was still in her work clothes when Ed buzzed the apartment. She unlocked the door, perfectly fine with him letting himself in, but he knocked anyway. Grinning, she opened it with a flourish and immediately wrapped her arms around his neck. She had planned on going home directly after court that afternoon, but the verdict and the video leak extended her day. Noah was sound asleep and didn't stir when Olivia kissed him goodnight and whispered yet another apology. Lucy gamely brushed off Olivia's apologies. Now, Ed stood in front of her, smirking, lips puckered, ready for her kiss.
"This suede?" He admired her blazer, rubbing a piece of the lapel between his thumb and forefinger.
"Yes."
"I like it."
"Thank you." She kissed him once more and pressed her body to his. She was still wearing her shield and her weapon and they clinked and crunched against his belt and coat. Suddenly, Olivia wanted nothing more than Ed Tucker in her bedroom. Anticipating the pleasure of Ed loving her sent chills up and down her spine. His black parka was already unzipped and she slid it from his shoulders. "Have you eaten?" She whispered the question in his ear and she was certain she detected a shiver.
"No," he rasped.
"Can you wait a little while longer?"
"Absolutely."
Olivia took his hand and led him to the bedroom. She placed her shield and Glock on top of the bureau and let the blazer fall to the floor. Minutes later, both their sets of clothes were in adjacent heaps and Ed's face was buried in her chest. The frantic start meant they didn't bother to peel back the covers or turn off the lamp Olivia typically left on at all hours of the day, so, afterwards, as Ed entangled his legs with hers and made circular patterns across her back, Olivia studied the sight of their bodies and intertwined limbs and became obsessed with how perfect they looked together.
Ed kissed the tip of her nose and asked, "Whatcha thinking?"
Ordinarily, there were multiple thoughts running concurrently and interminably through Olivia's mind at all hours of the day and night. In contrast, though, this moment brought to her a rare sense of clarity.
"I wish I could bottle right now," she said in a voice only slightly louder than a whisper.
"Only one way to do that," Ed replied, his voice extra deep and gravelly. Olivia expectantly raised her eyebrows and Ed smirked as he answered her unspoken question. "Have more right nows."
Olivia smiled. One arm was positioned under her head and she cupped the side of Ed's face with her free hand. "That really seems possible."
Ed furrowed his brow at the semi-skeptical response. "It is possible, Liv."
"I believe you."
"You sure?"
"I do," she pinched his chin and tilted her head forward for a kiss, "It's just...I'm surprised I believe you. I'm shocked, really, at this. But in a good way...you know?"
"I know."
Olivia glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand. "You must be starving."
"Not starving, but I could eat."
Their food was ordered and delivered within thirty minutes. Ed ripped the bags open and arranged the platters on the coffee table. Olivia handed him plates and he doled out equal portions of the two Thai dishes and topped the presentation with a spring roll.
"Hot sauce or sweet and sour?"
"Both please."
"Here ya go."
She took the plate and leaned in for a kiss. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"So nice," she murmured as she took her first bite. At her request, Ed took care of the ordering and him fixing her plate was adorable and chivalrous. She loved how he doted on her; how she could simply be around him and not worry about anything or anyone other than Noah.
Ed let the comment pass without a response. He sat back against the cushions and ate, suddenly realizing how hungry he was.
"Have you heard anything about the video leak?" Olivia asked.
Taken aback and a bit disappointed by her switch to work-related conversation, Ed blinked. "Yeah...heard about it as soon as it happened."
"Oh...did...Chief Dodds handle it?"
Shaking his head, Ed replied, "Nope. I assumed it was Rollins after she pulled that unauthorized UC stunt."
Olivia laughed. "Hah, me too. But Mike let it slip, or, well, let me infer that it was him."
"Mike Dodds?"
"Yes."
Ed shook his head in disbelief. "Wow...good for him."
"Ed?"
"Yeah?"
"Why didn't IAB go after Rollins a little harder?"
"Draper handled the original complaint," he replied matter-of-factly, "I imagine if they woulda been convicted their lawyers would've made a bigger deal about it. That aside, she didn't know they'd lawyered up, so doesn't rise to the level of misconduct that we'd worry about. Command discipline?"
"Probably not. She's been through enough, I suppose, maybe she's finally learned a lesson. Maybe I need to talk to her, mother-to-mother, so she gets the risk. It's not only her career she could jeopardize, it's her ability to take care of Jesse. She's got to make better decisions."
"I get the instinct," he said, "But you're right. Especially with her jacket…"
"Right." Olivia took another bite and worked up the courage to ask another, more pointed, question, but Ed beat her to the punch.
"Lieutenant, even if you still hated me we wouldnta gone after Rollins for this one."
Olivia, chagrinned, ducked her head for a second, but when she met his eyes again she was smiling and clearly amused. "I'm not used to being with anyone who's capable of being a step ahead of me."
"I think we match wits well."
"We do."
"But," Ed put his plate on the table and gripped her legs above her knees. "I promise you, no matter what, no matter how good it gets between us, SVU won't get any special favors from IAB."
"Well don't overcompensate," Olivia said, "I'd really hate to go back to the times when we all muttered horrible things under our breath when you walked into the precinct."
"I don't think we're going back there, are we?" Ed moved even closer. He took her plate and put it next to his.
Olivia gripped his head. "No," she replied with utmost sincerity. "No, we're not."
They traded a few kisses. At a pause, Ed glanced at the table and said, "Food's getting cold."
"I have a microwave."
He shot her a mischievous smile. "Well then…"
"I want more right now," she pressed her forehead against his and stared intently into his eyes. "I want you."
"I want you, too, Olivia Benson."
They fell into each other's arms kissing passionately, slowly at first but then more fervently. Olivia rose to her knees and then put her feet on the floor, dragging him with her. They clumsily kept kissing on their way back to her bedroom where they made quick work of disrobing once again. The clarity returned, and as Olivia and Ed moaned and whispered and cried out with pleasure, the sole realization in her mind was that she was sure she was falling in love with this man.
…
The steam from the shower filled the bathroom and clung to every surface. In their rush to strip and get under the water, Ed and Olivia had forgotten to turn on the fan. Ed held her face and kissed her with enough force that Olivia had to take a step backwards for balance.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
"I know you won't let me fall," she whispered back.
"Never."
"Ed, come here." Olivia adjusted the shower head, circled around, and sat on the corner bench. She waved him over and repeated, "Come. Here."
"Liv."
"Let me. You're always...giving...all the time, everywhere," she reached forward, clutched his hips, and looked up, "Just a little? Okay?"
Ed swiped back locks of her hair that had become glued to the sides of her face. "You don't owe me anything, Liv."
"That's not what this is," she replied.
Ed wasn't so sure. "Thirty seconds," he said with a hint of jest in case his hesitance was beginning to cause her frustration.
"Sort of diminishes it a little if you're timing," Olivia massaged his thigh and placed several slow, methodical kisses in a line below his belly button. "Relax," she whispered.
"God, Liv," Ed threw his head back and let the water rush over his face. One of the reasons why he was always so wary of receiving oral sex with her was that he enjoyed it too much. Normally he could pace his arousal, but not in these rare instances. His knees buckled, swirls of pleasure encircled his midsection, and as soon as he felt himself begin to lose control, he pulled away, propped one of her legs on the bench, and they resumed the ferocious kiss while he rocked against her.
"I don't know how I'm still standing," Ed rasped into her mouth after he came. They resumed their position directly under the pulsating water and he buried his face in her neck. "I love you, Olivia," he sighed and nuzzled her skin, "You're so beautiful, so perfect, God," he held her as tightly as he could, "I'm so lucky. How did this happen? That I got so lucky?"
Olivia stroked the back of his head and concentrated on breathing normally. "You took a chance and bought me a drink," she cooed, "And now we're together forever."
"That bourbon made everything all right with the world."
She grinned and nibbled his earlobe. "What a great drink."
…..
#Tuckson