112. Big week for us #Tuckson shippers. Will we get a final heartbreaking blow? More question marks? Reason to hope? Will I be too distraught to write the blog Friday morning? We shall see...

No one counted on Maggie and Wyatt making it to midnight, but as the clock struck twelve, the twins stood in the middle of the living room alongside everyone else. Simultaneously excited and bewildered, they watched everyone else and copied movements. If Noah jumped, they jumped. If Olivia laughed, they laughed. When everyone started counting down from ten, Maggie and Wyatt did their best to keep up.

Three, two, one…

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Auld Lang Syne blared and everyone traded hugs and kisses. Ed saved Olivia for last and dipped her during the smooch. "Happy New Year, baby," he whispered with her lips still on hers. "I love you."

Olivia's eyes sparkled. "I love you," she replied softly, "Happy New Year, Ed."

"More fireworks out there!"

Noah rushed to the balcony with the twins on his heels. Two hours earlier their own stash and the twins had their first experience with sparklers. Maggie and Wyatt stood frozen and mesmerized by the new experience. When they burned out, both twins begged their parents for "nother one!" Now, everyone gathered on the balcony and watched the skyrockets launched from a pier a mile or so away.

"Lookit!" Wyatt jabbed his arm through the railing slats. "Lookit!"

Olivia picked him up and pressed her face to his chubby cheek, "Isn't is beautiful, Wyatt?"

"Bufful and BOOM!" He said excitedly.

"BOOM!" Maggie echoed. "Hey! Pool down dere! Go sim!"

"In the mood for a midnight dip?" Caroline asked.

Sarah's and Justin's laughter suggested they would be willing to go for a swim, but Ed nixed the idea before anymore discussion could take place. "Time for everyone under the age of twenty to sleep," he said. The fireworks were short-lived and everyone who had come out to watch slowly trickled back into their condos. "Ready to get your bed out, No?"

"Yep! We can watch shows, right?"

"Sure, pal. One show."

"One long show?" Despite his enthusiasm, Noah yawned.

Ed smirked, "Sure pal. One long show. C'mon. Jammies." He motioned for Olivia to hand over Wyatt, and Ed and the kids went inside to get ready for bed. Justin, always looking to help, busied himself with the sofa bed and its sheets and blankets. Sarah sat down on one of the plastic balcony chairs.

"Have a seat," she said, "Cheers." She tapped glasses with Caroline and Olivia, "Ahh, this is the life. We should do this every year. Christmas in New York and then Florida. Best of both worlds."

"I wouldn't be opposed," Olivia said.

"Neither would I," Caroline chimed in, "Sare Bear, you've done good for yourself, dearie. I'm proud of you. Olivia, this one, she was always running around, wild, never took anything seriously, so you can forgive me if I predicted a less successful life-"

"-Grandma!"

Caroline made a smacking noise and swatted at Sarah, "I'm giving you a compliment."

"Oh, I couldn't tell."

"In the short time I've known you," Olivia chimed in, "You've grown so much. I can see why your Grandmother's proud because so am I. Do you remember the first time we met?"

"Of course, Livvie! We surprised you at your office! Speaking of proud, Brooke and I found you all on our own!"

Part of Olivia's insides clenched knowing Sarah and Brooke had certainly found Lewis-related articles written about her in their quest to locate the precinct. It was one of the very few secrets remaining among them; only Ed knew the full extent. Olivia managed to suppress the darkness brewing inside. She smiled and replied, "I remember. That was a great day. Perfect weekend."

"Ah," Caroline sighed after taking a sip of her gin and tonic, "I love reminiscing. So good to have those memories you can wrap yourself up in anytime you want. You know what one of my favorite memories is of Eddie, Olivia?"

"What's that?"

"When he brought you over for the first time. He was so nervous but so thrilled, proud really. I knew you were going to be married and live happily ever after. No doubt in my mind."

"That was one of us," Olivia joked.

Caroline remained semi-serious, "Oh, I didn't think you wouldn't have any bumps in the road, we all do, but those bumps are what make us realize it's all worth it. You come out on the other side, you're still together, you have each other, you're in love...and you stay that way forever. Even when one of you passes on."

"You're making me sad, Grandma."

"Death is a part of life, dearie, and you don't stop loving people because they're gone."

"Well can we possibly talk about something else?"

Caroline yawned. "Sure, but make it quick, I'm losing steam."

Justin closed the door on his way inside, but the kids' jubilant shouts and giggles were audible. Olivia looked backwards into the condo. Ed had been flipping the kids on the bed and tried to end the game by collapsing on the mattress. He should have known better. As soon as he fell flat on his back, Noah, Maggie, and Wyatt piled on. Justin stood off to the side laughing and doubtfully shaking his head. Sleep, at least for the Tucker trio, seemed a long way away.

….

The first act of Hamlet had not yet begun when Olivia leaned over and kissed Ed on the cheek. She stayed put and waited for him to turn his head. Then, she kissed him again. This time on the mouth, and it was clear she didn't care who was watching. Ed dramatically wiped the corners of his mouth and smirked.

"Where'd that come from?"

"I felt a little bad about teasing you earlier. You know, with the tickets not being your idea...at first."

"Well, feel bad anytime, Benson," Ed quickly grimaced, "No, I don't mean that. I never, ever want you to feel bad. But I do know you don't, uh," his eyes darted around the park, "We're still playin' it safe."

Olivia appreciated the consideration. She appreciated Ed tolerating the slow pace of their relationship progression, but the effort to keep things under wraps was starting to tax her own nerves. There were times they would meet for drinks, walk out of the bar, and she was desperate to hold his hand or take his arm but stopped herself. Lately, she started not to care. After all, if they were spotted, what really was the worst thing that could happen?

"I don't think there are many people we know here," Olivia said. The sky was darkening quickly and the dim theater lights provided both a romantic ambience and a heightened level of security. Olivia reached for Ed's hand. "This is so nice, Ed," she said softly. "Thank you."

"I, uh, I didn't mean I didn't want ya to kiss me."

Before she turned toward him she knew his eyes were intensely focused on her. Olivia could feel his stare. She squeezed his hand and leaned her knee into his. "I didn't think you meant that at all," she whispered. The show was starting. People applauded. But Olivia put a hand on Ed's cheek and kissed him again. "I'm tired of looking over our shoulders...at least...for tonight, let's not do that."

Ed adjusted his position so he was flush with the armrest and he pulled her as close as possible. "Lemme know if you get uncomfortable."

Olivia rested her head on his shoulder. "Not gonna happen."

…

Eyes still closed, Ed whined and pawed at Olivia when she slid out of bed the morning of their last day in Florida. She lovingly shook her head and grinned at his pout. Pathetic, she thought, but adorably so. Despite his displeasure at being left alone, Ed didn't force himself awake, for he felt the effects of last night's late hour and having consumed more alcohol than usual. Olivia kissed the side of his head and crept out of the room where she found Noah wide awake, lying in the middle of the sofa bed, flanked by Maggie and Wyatt.

"Hi sweet boy," Olivia whispered.

Noah offered a lazy smile but no words. He warily eyed his siblings, and Olivia suspected one of toddlers, probably Maggie, had tested Noah's stamina the night before. When she decided to be extra difficult, Maggie would pretend to comply and go to sleep only to sit up play by nightlight after the door was closed. More than once Ed and Olivia found her on the floor, organizing stuffed animals or drawing on her LED tablet. When she was discovered, Maggie broke into an okay-you-got-me grin and allowed herself to be tucked back in to bed.

Olivia gingerly picked Noah up and helped him tiptoe across the mattress and off the bed. Maggie and Wyatt rolled into the space he vacated. Their heads bumped slightly but neither stirred. Olivia used the Kuerig to make herself a cup of coffee, Noah helped himself to a juice box, and they went out to the balcony.

"Some people left da fireworks out on the sand," Noah observed from his perch on one of the plastic chairs.

"They sure did," Olivia replied, "Someone will be out soon with the tractor to clean it up."

"People should pick up their trash."

"Yes they should."

"We goin' home tomorrow?"

"Yes. Back to school for Noah in a couple days. Are you going to be happy to be back?"

"Uh-huh! I'm gonna see everrone and there's more learning and then, um, when's soccer and baseball?"

"Not for a couple of months," Olivia said, "Do you want to do both? Or pick one?"

"Both."

"Tell me what you like about both of them."

"Like soccer 'cause Coach TJ was super nice last time and I gotta get new shin guards and socks, and it was super fun last time kicking da goals."

"Coach TJ is a good guy…what about baseball?"

"I like it 'cause we play in da park!"

"It is nice to play ball in the park, that's for sure."

Noah twisted his lips and said, "I wonder if Mia wantsta play...nope...she can't 'cause sometimes da games are on Saturday and she always goes to da stables with her mom then. Stables are super far away…and I don't think Mia likes soccer and baseball anyway 'cause when we have it at school she doesn't play right."

"What do you mean?"

"She likes ta do flips and play tag."

"Ahhh…"

"Mommy, what's all da way across da water?"

"Well," Olivia pulled up a quick mental map of the globe, "If you kept going straight you'd hit Mexico. If you went a little bit this way," she pointed east, "You'd go to Cuba."

Confused, Noah crinkled his forehead, "Mexico's by Texas."

"Yes, it is," Olivia said, "It's kind of under Texas then it curls around," she made a loop in the air with her hand.

"Ohhh…"

"I know you want to go to Texas, but where else do you want to go?"

"Ireland with Gramma."

Olivia smiled more broadly than she should have. They still hadn't finalized Ireland plans, but they were in the works for the spring. She couldn't wait to see Noah's face when they surprised him. "I know that one, too. Where else?"

"H'waii 'cause Brookey said it was really fun there and Paris 'gain, cause I have pictures of me there but I don't 'member it that much! And then prolly Arg'tina, 'cause Sare Bear goes there sometimes for her work."

"All very good plans. You're going to get to see so many amazing places in your life, Noah."

"Yeah…" Noah took a sip of his water and asked, "Hey! Mommy, where you wanna go?"

"I want to go to Ireland, too. And Italy."

"Not Texas?"

"If you're going to Texas, I'd like to go with you."

"We can dress like da cowboys!"

"Yes we can. I think we'd look great in those hats."

Noah giggled, "Me too."

….

The driving lesson proved to be simultaneously hilarious and nerve wracking for both Ed and Olivia. They compliantly watched from the sidelines as the kids and their instructors wove their way around the course which was, to Olivia's initial horror, located atop a parking garage. Noah, conscientious about driving well, kept two hands on the wheel and listened intently to direction. Maggie chattered away while she drove, and her instructor had to tap her safety brake more than once. Wyatt was confident but too preoccupied with how his siblings were doing. He frequently craned his neck around to get a glimpse of Maggie and Noah and he, too, needed instructor intervention more than once.

"Distracted driver," Ed murmured during one of the times Wyatt veered off course. At one point, as he passed close to his parents, Wyatt shot them a broad smile and waved. Ed doubled over in laughter. "That kid…"

"I love him so much," Olivia said. She sounded relaxed enough, but she hadn't loosened her grip on Ed's forearm. "He hasn't changed since he was a baby." She checked her watch and murmured, "Fifteen more minutes."

"Ready to get outta here?"

"In addition to being nervous, I must admit, this is boring."

Ed laughed again and slung an arm across Olivia's shoulders. He kissed her cheek and kept her close. "I'm happy to be here in London with you watching our kids drive."

"I'm so happy," Olivia replied, "And I'll be happier when we go back to more touristy things...like shopping."

"Where to next?"

"I'll have to look at the map to see what's closest. Notting Hill? Carnaby Street? Covent Gardens? There were a few markets we had pinned, too. Maybe one of those today, we'll eat, and get back to the hotel a little early so they can swim. So funny how kids don't get tired of some things…"

Ed leaned in again and replied, whispering in her ear. "I never get tired of you."

"That's very good news," Olivia said, "Because you're never getting rid of me, Ed Tucker."

…...

On their first morning back in New York, Olivia awoke to Ed softly kissing her face. She could feel the apologetic undertones in his movements, yet the urge to love her proved too strong. Her lips curled into a smile and she rolled over, scratched his back, and encouraged him to continue. Since officially ending their minor yet troubling rift, Ed and Olivia had enjoyed a lovemaking streak comparable only to the one they'd experienced after they'd both almost lost their jobs in the wake of the church scandal. It didn't matter that they'd spent a week in the crowded condo or that they had three very active children, morning and night they found time and space for intimacy.

"Whatcha got goin on today?" Ed asked after they'd fallen sated back on their shared pillow. He rested his head on his hand and played with her hair. Makeup-free and flushed, she was gorgeous as ever.

"I don't know," Olivia said in a raspy voice, "Getting Noah ready to go back to school Monday. And I told Justin I'd put him in contact with Barba. At some point we'll go out for coffee."

"Got time for a date?"

"Always," Olivia replied. She scooted closer to him, "What do you have in mind?"

"I dunno yet but I was thinking, we haven't been out, just the two of us in a while. Any place in particular you want to go?"

"Do you mind if I leave that up to you?"

"Not at all."

"You're always so good at that sort of thing," Olivia traced his cheekbones and smiled, "And to think, at one point, I thought you were solely a hole-in-the-wall dive bar kind of guy."

Ed pretended to be offended. "Olivia Margaret Benson thought I was that predictable? That, um, one dimensional?"

"For a little while, yeah I did. I still liked you, though."

"Thank God."

A few chaste kisses turned into a more passionate liplock. Ed flicked his fingers between Olivia's legs and slid down her body, cognizant of the fact their alone time was running out. Seconds after he coaxed another orgasm from her body, they heard the sounds of the kids congregating in the kitchen. The refrigerator door slammed, the television volume came on too loud, and the trio all shouted their ideas for the perfect morning show to watch.

Ed rested his chin on Olivia's abdomen and gazed at her with lazy, desirous eyes. "Good?"

Olivia scratched the top of his head. "So good."

"Meet back here later?"

Her laughter jolted Ed's body. "Yes, sir. I can't wait."

….

Strolling at a leisurely pace, Ed and Olivia made their way out of the park. Olivia checked in with Sarah and Brooke. They reported Noah had been fed, played with, read to, and was now sound asleep on the couch between them. When Olivia mentioned she and Ed would be back within the hour, Brooke insisted they take their time. She and Sarah were watching a movie and promised to eventually put their charge in his bed, but, right now, he was too precious to move.

"Drink?" Olivia asked after she stowed the phone back in her purse, "Or...want to walk a bit?"

"Let's do both," Ed replied. He was slightly disappointed to leave the PDA-friendly confines of the park. Before they stepped onto the sidewalk of Central Park West, Ed nudged Olivia to the side of the path and planted an assured kiss on her lips. "I'm glad we did this."

"So am I," Olivia replied with a twinkle in her eye, "And the play was great, too."

Laughing softly, Ed kissed her forehead and put a hand on the small of her back. "There's a little place up ahead, not too far, on Amsterdam behind the museum. That okay?"

"Sounds great."

Olivia kept her distance on the walk, but once they were at the bar she made sure to sit close enough to Ed so their legs touched. Over cocktails, they discussed the play's dominant themes, revenge and madness, and both admitted they were not the theater connoisseurs they'd like to be.

"I could probably write a thrilling book," Olivia said.

"Mine would be boring as hell."

She threw her head back and laughed. For anyone else, the action would have been considered normal, but such a sudden outburst of any time of emotion was rare for Olivia Benson and each time it happened, Ed considered himself the recipient of the most valuable fortune.

Ed shrugged and added, "There's not much you can do to dress up IAB investigations as entertainment for the masses."

"I don't know," Olivia replied, "There were a few times you were after us...not exactly the run of the mill case."

"At the end of the day, they all are."

Olivia sighed. "I suppose...you wouldn't put trying to kill Cassidy in a book."

Ed grinned. "I was not tryin' to kill Cassidy."

"I'm not sure I one-hundred percent believe you," she said, "But then, I question everything."

"There is one case though," Ed turned on the stool and faced her, "The one with the biker."

"You mean the one where you arrested me?"

Wincing, Ed took a sip of his bourbon and nodded. "That's the one." They'd already hashed out that part of their lives, but he'd never asked her about one element of the case. "What, uh, I was wonderin' though is, what ever happened to that car? The Mustang?"

"I sold it."

"Wow."

"Combination of bad vibes and the fact I rarely drove it."

"It was nice."

"You saw it?"

"Of course," Ed replied, "We saw everything. Too bad, it was a nice car. But I can see why you'd want to get rid of it. Especially if it wasn't, ah, gonna spark joy."

Olivia screwed up her face. "Spark joy?"

"Marie Kondo," Ed answered matter-of-factly, "The organizing guru?"

"I've heard of her," Olivia was clearly amused, "But you, obviously...you're an acolyte of hers, Tucker?"

"Nah," he replied, "Sarah was obsessed with her last year and went to one of her talks. I tagged along. She has some great points, good tips, but, uh, there's a spirituality to her system that I guess I don't quite understand."

"Maybe I should go to one. I think I may have to enlist some help when I winnow Noah's toys down. It's getting out of control."

"I used to just sneak stuff out when the girls were away or asleep."

"The Tucker method?"

"Yep," Ed replied with a smirk, "The foolproof Tucker method. Never fails."

…..

In the backseat of the Tucker's SUV, Maggie swung her legs and chattered her observations about the passing cityscape. She mentioned boats and bridges, police cars and taxis, and when her view was obstructed by snow-covered trees, she sadly reported the boats were "all gone."

"We'll see them again in a few minutes," Olivia said.

It was late Sunday morning and traffic was light. When she and Ed unpacked their luggage the previous evening, they realized they had one of Caroline's small carry ons and a few items she'd purchased but hadn't had room for in her own suitcase. They'd forgotten she'd packed a vase, a small beachscape canvas, and a set of local hot sauces in the bag Maggie and Wyatt shared. With nothing pressing on their schedules, Olivia decided to return the items. She invited everyone, but Ed, Wyatt, and Noah were playing with a vintage set of Lincoln Logs still dressed in pajamas and didn't seem motivated to do much else.

"Are you going to be happy to see Grandma?" Olivia asked Maggie. She peeked in the rear-view mirror at her bundled-up daughter and smiled.

"Gamma at da BEACH!"

"Not anymore," Olivia said, "Now we're all back in New York at home."

"Seep in my bed at home!" Maggie said. She rambled on about the difference in set up between the condo and their Manhattan apartment. After a week of sleeping all together on the sofa bed, it had been a challenge to get everyone back in their separate spaces. On the plus side, when they woke up, they were old enough now to get their own drinks and occupy themselves in the living room. Ed and Olivia relished the extra thirty minutes or so of alone time.

At Caroline's, Maggie tugged off her coat, mittens, and hat and made a beeline for the toy basket. Caroline gave her a cookie, kissed the top of her head after she cooed a sweet thank-you, and unwrapped her Florida purchases.

"Ah, these will brighten up the place," Caroline said. The vase was constructed out of pieces of multicolored glass. She placed it on her dining table and looked around for a place to swap out the beachy painting for one hanging on her walls. "This snowman can go." She secured the new painting and set the one with the winter scene next to the staircase.

"Do you want me to take it upstairs for you?" Olivia asked.

"I'll have Johnny do it when he comes over later. He has to put the tree and everything away. Time for spring!"

"I second that."

"I'd offer you a drink," Caroline said, "But Eddie may have me sent to AA if he gets wind of it."

Olivia regarded Caroline with a knowing smile. "He's just worried," she said, "He considers part of his job to make sure everyone's okay. And, yeah, he was bothered a little by all the drinking in Florida."

"Don't tell him I had wine today at communion," Caroline said.

Olivia shot her a semi-stern glare.

"Oh, dearie," Caroline sat in her recliner and cradled the train pillow that had been the chair's accessory since Noah was the twins' age, "The truth is, yes, I probably have too many cock-a-tails, but it's not a habit I'm up for breaking anytime soon. At my age, we get to do what we want, within reason, but we get a little more latitude."

Caroline's expression and tone suggested she considered the matter closed. Olivia conceded her central point-if having a few cocktails a day was what made her happy, as long as she wasn't driving or endangering herself, there was nothing to be worried about. On the other hand, it was clear to Olivia that Caroline was experiencing some added loneliness or despair, but she wasn't sure how or even if it would do any good to bring it up.

"I think I understand sort of how you feel," Olivia said, "Because he's called me out on my drinking before."

Interested, Caroline sat on the edge of the chair, her elbow on her knees. "Way back when?"

"No, relatively recently," Olivia replied, "It started, well, around the time when, I don't know if Ed ever told you, but my nanny asked me to check up on a family and...we were held...by some people...looking for money-"

"-I heard about that on the news," Caroline said, "But Eddie never mentioned it and I didn't want to bring it up."

Olivia smiled appreciatively. "It happened before...but much worse...I know you know and after this time I convinced myself that everything was fine, it was just part of the job, a blip, nowhere near what I'd survived before." She paused, glanced at Maggie, and continued, "But I was so alone. After work, after Noah was in bed, there I was with...nothing but my thoughts and memories and this, well, all these existential questions hanging out there. Why do I do this? What's it for? Am I good mother? And I'd pour a glass of wine, tell myself I deserved it to help me relax, contemplate all those uncertainties. And I was seeing Ed, but our routine was always drinks, dinner and drinks, so he didn't notice until we both had to step aside-"

"-because of Eugene."

"-right. We were spending a lot more time together. And it was, well, other than the fact we were both facing career changes, it was great. I'd blow off work in the afternoons, we'd hit a bar, let off steam...it's strange to think that we got closer during all that chaos...but Ed noticed my relationship with alcohol wasn't exactly healthy, he let it go for a while, but he finally said something. And he was right. And I fixed it."

"Being judged by Eddie isn't the easiest thing in the world…"

"That's the thing," Olivia said, "I didn't feel judged. I felt...loved. Cared for. So it was easier to hear and process what he had to say. Ed loves you so much."

"I know. And he's probably getting scared."

"Scared?"

Caroline smiled sweetly, got up, and went to the kitchen to get another cookie and a sippy cup of chocolate milk for Maggie. "Come sit with Grandma, baby girl." Caroline took her hand and sat in the recliner with Maggie in her lap and continued, "Scared of the day I die," she said, "Mortality's frightening. I'm not worried, though. I've had a good life. But Eddie? He probably realizes that he, too, is getting older, so it's not so much about me as it is about him. He sees his life as perfect right now, and he doesn't want anything to change. Me being gone is a change, but, the way he sees it? He probably figures that puts him next up, even though Johnny and Margie are older."

"I don't know that-"

"-Oh, he'll never admit seeing things that way," Caroline said, "But I know my boy and I assure you, deep down, that's what he's feeling." Caroline saw the despondency in Olivia's face. "But I don't worry," she added, "Because he has you to love him. You make him so happy, Olivia. I'll always be so grateful he found you."

As Olivia fought tears, Maggie wiggled around in Caroline's lap and covered then uncovered her face with her hands, "PEEK BOO, Gamma! Found you!" She grinned, revealing her pearly white teeth and her dark blue eyes sparkled. "Now you peek boo," Maggie grabbed Caroline's hands and helped her with the movements. "FOUND YOU! Found GAMMA!"

When Maggie stopped giggling, Olivia asked her if they should take Grandma out for lunch. Maggie patted her belly and said she was hungry. Caroline mentioned the names of a few restaurants nearby.

"Wa'chicknuggs!" Maggie exclaimed.

"Jesus, Olivia, speaking of addictions…"

"Definitely one ding in our parenting record," Olivia said, "Over reliance on chicken nuggets."

"Better than over reliance on bedtime cough syrup."

Olivia gave Caroline a loving, Brooke-esque eye roll. "Come on, ladies," she grabbed Maggie's outerwear, "Let's go to lunch."

"Chicknuggs?" Maggie asked sweetly as Olivia zipped her back into the parka and adjusted her beanie cap.

"Yes, Maggie May, we'll go somewhere with chicken nuggets." Olivia kissed her daughter's cheeks and bopped her nose. "I promise."

….

#Tuckson