115. A/N re: the flashback. I think I wrote them getting back together about a million chapters ago, but circumstances changed, so here we go again. Also, the timing is a little off in the flashbacks but since we're one-hundred percent AU now, who cares.

The sky had darkened by the time Noah and G finished their burritos. It wasn't late, but G felt more comfortable taking Noah home in an Uber or a cab, so she pulled out her phone and started to open one of her rideshare apps. With one arm around Noah's shoulders, she started to make the request. Noah peered at the screen and frowned. "Whatcha doin?"

"Getting our car."

"We gotta take da subway." Noah turned around in a circle and squinted at the street signs. "I think da C."

He was correct, this G knew for sure. The Tucker apartment was convenient to a handful of lines, but this particular Dos Toros location was closest to a C stop. "Does Sarah usually take you home on the subway?"

"Yep. Unless we have somethin' big."

From conversations with Sarah, G knew she unabashedly spoiled Noah. However, G wasn't surprised Noah stopped short of asking her to take him shopping. The little boy possessed impeccable manners and had a keen sense of what was an appropriate request and what was not.

"Alright, well, let's go. Do you have your card?"

"Yep!" Noah slapped the side of his backpack, "Always ri'here. Sare Bear always puts da money in it so I can ride a buncha times."

G had always read about metaphorical "warm fuzzies" in fluffy fictional stories, but she was certain, as Noah once again took her hand, she experienced them for real. As Noah's fingers curled around hers, her heart filled with joy.

"So," G said, "we talked about what I do at your school, but we didn't really talk about what you do. What did you learn today?"

Noah proceeded to rattle off the daily schedule. G came to understand his day typically began with math and reading and ended with science and social studies which pretty much matched what she remembered of her own first grade experience. He mentioned recess (indoor) and lunch (eaten at a round table in the cafeteria with Mia, Gabe, and Ewan) and then blew G away with a brief but surprisingly astute explanation of the Triangular Trade. They descended the subway steps and swiped their way through the turnstile. Noah was still chatting away when the C arrived at the platform.

"How many stops?" Noah asked.

"Three," G replied.

"Kay." The car wasn't crowded, but they remained standing. "When there aren't a lotta people I like ta spin around like dis," Noah giggled as he twirled around one of the poles. "Sare Bear always says I'm gonna get dizzy and fall but I never do."

Suddenly G was terrified that he would lose his grip and go flying into one of the hard plastic seat edges. She laughed and gave him a little side hug to slow his momentum. At the next stop, they were joined by more people, enough to force Noah to stand still and allow G to breathe a sigh of relief. They would disembark at the next stop. Her mission to safely return Noah was almost complete.

…..

Olivia steeled herself and took a path to the bar where she was sure Tucker would see her. The wine settled in as she crossed the room, and she strode confidently, sure she appeared to others as if she had no care in the world other than getting her next drink. She ordered her second glass of wine and turned, as planned, in Tucker's direction. The redhead was consumed with laughter, presumably by something another member of their circle had said, for Ed's face was expressionless. When he saw Olivia, he almost appeared ashamed.

She started walking in his direction but stopped when she saw Ed jerk his jaw toward the opposite corner of the room. Ed said something to the woman, she nodded, and he sauntered off, walking parallel to Olivia until he found a path through the tables to meet her.

"Hey," he said casually, as if they'd attended the event together and had merely been off talking to other people for a few minutes.

"Hey yourself," she replied.

"Didn't expect to see you here."

Olivia screwed up her face. "Why not?" She asked, not hiding the fact his comment stung.

"Figured you'd be too busy."

Part of her wanted to stalk off and forget Ed forever, but she quickly realized, though he was attempting to be spiteful, he was actually hurt. He'd firmly set his jaw, but his eyes betrayed his true feelings. Seeing her again was a painful reminder that he'd put himself out there, given her his heart, and she had swatted the offer away by allowing him to leave her apartment without protest.

"I...this was too important to miss." Olivia's insides clenched. She spoke the truth, but she hoped Ed didn't infer he was less important than a fundraiser, no matter the cause. "And it's good to get out every once in a while."

"Yeah." Ed glanced over to the group he'd left and shifted his weight from foot to foot.

Sensing he was ready to end the conversation, Olivia asked, "How have you been?"

"Alright. You?"

"Good."

"Noah?"

Ed's gravelly voice softened when he uttered her son's name. Olivia's heart melted, and she shed the obstinate facade. "Ed," she sighed, "I'm not so good. I…" she looked over to where his girlfriend was standing, "Can we talk? Not here? Maybe some other time?

Ed shoved his hands in his pockets. "Liv, I dunno if that's such a good idea."

Crushed, Olivia swallowed a lump in her throat. "I understand," she croaked. "I, uh, we left things-"

"-we didn't leave things," Ed snapped. "I told ya I was gonna give you space. That I'd get outta there, let you think, but I had no intention of staying away," his eyes darted around the immediate area, making sure no one was eavesdropping, "That last thing I said to you was I love you, and...you didn't call-"

"-Ed, I-"

He raised a hand, "I know you said we were in two different places," he muttered, "But I didn't think we were that far apart. My mistake." He gave her elbow a quick squeeze, "I gotta go. Enjoy your night." With that, he strode away, back to his girlfriend's side, and eased his way back into their couples-only huddle showing absolutely no effects of the difficult words he and Olivia exchanged seconds earlier.

….

Ed and Olivia weren't attired inappropriately, but the sight of them in loungewear at six p.m. flustered G. Noah didn't react as if anything was out of the ordinary, but G lingered in the foyer, and helped Noah with his coat and backpack. Olivia invited her in, and rather than politely decline, G nodded and followed her down the hallway. Before she had time to feel any more awkward, the twins came sprinting in her direction. It hadn't been long since she'd last seen them, but she swore Maggie and Wyatt were even more adorable than they'd been when she laid them in their beds and tucked them in a few days ago.

Wearing jeans, t-shirts, and their trusty zippered hoodies, they ran down the hallway on bare feet shouting "GEEEEEEE!" They piled into her arms, turned around, and announced to their parents that G was there to "bay'sit!"

"We know, sweet twins," Olivia gushed. "G did us a huge favor, but she's not babysitting tonight." Olivia patted G's shoulder, "Thank you so much." She went on to mumble an excuse about the weather and time and planning, but G eyed Olivia's and Ed's sweatpants, t-shirts, and all-around disheveled appearances and couldn't help but let her imagination drift to Sarah-esque thoughts. G was sure she'd been asked to stand in not only out of convenience but also out of romantic necessity.

"We ate at Dos Toros," G said, "So, he's good...glad to help."

"Yummm," Olivia intoned, smiling at Noah.

"You want a drink?" Ed asked, entering the foyer with Sofia on his hip.

Maggie and Wyatt chased each other around G's legs and she nearly teetered off balance. Ed's offer sounded sincere, but G felt like she was intruding.

"C'mon," Olivia sensed her indecision and motioned for G to continue her way into the apartment, "Let us at least thank you with a glass of wine...or something else? Ed? What do we have?"

"Everything."

"Hang up your coat," Olivia instructed, "I think I remember you liking gin? I don't know if we have tonic though, E-"

"-A glass of wine would be great." G followed Olivia to the living room and took a seat on the sofa. Olivia started to ask her about the school's upcoming fundraisers, but Maggie and Wyatt had other ideas. While Noah was at the table unpacking his bookbag, the twins disappeared into their room and emerged with arms full of books.

"Reee, G!" Maggie insisted. She and Wyatt dumped the books on the couch and then climbed up and sat on either side of her. "Reeeee'story!"

G felt her face get hot. Maggie and Wyatt probably remembered the show she'd put on last time. She'd created unique voices for different characters, made all the animal sounds, and dramatically pronounced onomatopoeias. There was no way she was going to put on a repeat performance in front of Ed and Olivia.

"Here ya go," Ed handed her a glass of wine.

"Oh, and, Ed, bring me my phone. G, I'll Venmo you the money for Noah's dinner."

"It's really okay."

"You take cash?" Ed asked.

"I don't need any money," G insisted. She nearly spilled the wine on her first sip. Maggie and Wyatt were still glued to her side and passing books back and forth. She put the glass on the table and chose one of the shorter books. "How about this one?"

Maggie objected. "NO!"

Wyatt handed G The Noon Balloon. The classic children's book was his favorite, and it showed signs of wear. The corners were bent and the spine showed it had been frequently opened and closed. Maggie selected the more contemporary How to Babysit a Grandma.

"Maggie, Wyatt, how about we let G relax and save the books for later?" Olivia asked softly. "We'll read those before bed."

"No bed, Mama," Maggie said, "Read NOW!"

"I'll read them one," G said, feeling bad denying the twins' adamant request. She selected Maggie's book because it contained fewer words and pages than Wyatt's. The twins jostled for space in her lap and she began reading. Noah joined them for the final two pages and then suggested they play a game, perhaps Trouble or Junior Monopoly.

This time, Ed stepped in. "No, we're gonna give G a break," she said, "Next time she comes over you can play the games. Let's get started on your homework." Ed muttered a few biting lines of criticism about the first grade workload and handed Sofia to Olivia.

Olivia bounced Sofia on her knee, but the youngest of the bunch quickly strained to get down when she saw the twins at their toy box. "We have a full house," Olivia remarked.

"Noah said Brooke's husband is sick?"

"He is. He's in the hospital with the flu, they admitted him last night when they couldn't get his breathing right. I'm worried it's pneumonia, and Brooke hasn't called with updates. I guess they're still waiting."

"Takes forever," G replied, "I had a lung infection last year and when I first went to the ER I was there almost all day."

"When Noah was little we spent too much time in the emergency room," Olivia said.

"He was sick a lot?"

"Yes. Lungs, rib fractures, measles…"

"Measles?"

"Yep. The day he was vaccinated he contracted it at the doctor's office. It was terrible, and, actually, tied into a case we were working at SVU, turned into a whole thing about the right to refuse vaccinations. Luckily," she gazed over at Noah who was poring over his work with total focus and concentration, "He weathered that storm and outgrew everything else. I hate to overuse the word miracle, but that's really what it seemed like."

"You'd never know he's had any challenges," G said, "He's an awesome kid."

"It's a little foolish to say," Olivia replied, "But I hope, in a way, the early obstacles were his major challenge. Maybe the rest of his life will be smooth sailing."

"I hope it will be," G replied, "I don't think that's foolish at all."

…..

Noah let himself into the apartment where he'd grown up and his mother now lived alone. At times over the years, his father good-naturedly complained that they were too crammed in the space, especially when grandchildren visited for a night or a weekend or when the Tucker kids brought home friends from college. No one ever took his gripes seriously, for Maggie, Wyatt, and Noah knew their parents loved being surrounded by family and friends, even though they didn't think twice about retreating to their bedroom in the evenings. Each time Noah came to check in on his mom, he experienced crippling fear if he entered to silence. He'd read about couples dying days or weeks apart from one another, and though he hated to see his mother suffering from the loss of her husband, he and his siblings couldn't bear losing her so soon after they'd said goodbye to their father.

"Mom?"

"In here!"

Breathing a sigh of relief, he went into the room that had originally been an office, became the twins' room, and, eventually, was shared by Noah and Wyatt. When Olivia and Ed became empty nesters, they converted the space to a cozy den. Olivia was sitting in her favorite swivel rocker holding a book and a cup of tea.

"Hey," Noah kissed her cheek and sat in the armchair across from her, "Whatcha doin?"

"I was reading," she said, "But, mostly, I've been sitting here...thinking. It looks like a nice day out there?"

"It's cold," Noah said, "Sunny but cold. Few more weeks." Like his mother, Noah was desperate for spring's arrival. "Hungry? Want to do an early dinner?"

"Sure."

Noah's eyes drifted to another part of the room and he saw a box of framed photographs sitting on one of the sofa cushions. "Changing the pictures?" He asked.

"Not changing. Adding. Do you think you can help me with that this weekend?"

"No problem."

"Bring Mia and and the kids?"

"Of course." Noah walked over and examined the photographs. "A lot of these are really old," he said, "They've probably been sitting in the closet for years."

"Yes. I got them out to dust them." Olivia turned around in the chair, "I want all my favorites on the walls," she said, "So wherever I walk I'm surrounded by all those wonderful memories."

Noah fought tears. He felt his chin start to tremble and set his jaw, copying a technique he'd seen his Dad use over the years when he was struggling to contain emotion but unwilling to show it. "Mom, are you sure you don't want to think about moving? Maybe even to our building? Or closer to Wyatt or Maggie?"

"You don't want me that close," Olivia replied softly, "And Wyatt and Maggie won't stay where they are right now. But, most of all, I want to stay here. I know it's hard for you to come here and not see your Dad-"

Noah started to choke up again but Olivia was composed.

"-But this is as close to him as I can get...for the rest of my life." She looked fixedly at her son before rising and wrapping him in a right embrace. "I have to stay here," she whispered, "Please understand."

…..

Olivia had seen plenty of people in hospital beds over the years, but she wasn't prepared to see Sonny Carisi looking pale, frail, and shockingly un-coiffed under the white hospital blanket. She entered with a balloon and a paper bag of her family's favorite chicken dumpling soup from the deli near their home. Brooke, looking exhausted and uncomfortable, occupied one of the room's two chairs, and Olivia sat in the other.

"Thanks for comin," Sonny said weakly.

"And for taking Sof," Brooke said. "I really need to get home and get her more clothes."

"I can do that," Olivia said, "Unless...maybe it would be good for you to get out for a while? Go home and shower? Move a little?"

Brooke extracted herself from the chair, stood, and stretched, "Good idea." She went over to Sonny and touched his face, "Do you mind?"

"No, no," he said, "Go. Lieu will stay with me."

Suddenly eager for some time alone and away from the hospital, Brooke asked for no more assurances. She grabbed her coat and left. Olivia scooted her chair closer to Sonny's bed and peered at him. "The DA's office killed you in only two weeks?" She joked.

"Apparently," he groaned and pulled the covers up to his neck, "This is brutal. And I even got the flu shot. Sof okay?"

"She's fine."

"Not sick?"

"Nope."

Sonny stared at the ceiling. "You think this is it? I leave SVU for the more family-friendly option and I die of the flu? Or pneumonia? Or whatever it is I have?"

Slightly amused, Olivia's eyes sparkled as she reassured her former detective, "No, I don't think this is it. You probably picked up something on the plane or at the airport. The doctors will take care of you and you'll be right back in the courtroom."

"I haven't been in the courtroom yet."

"Well...in your office."

"I'm at a cubicle." He saw Olivia frown, "Sorry."

"It's okay," she said, "I know you're feeling hopeless right now. Do you want to try eating something? I brought soup."

"Maybe later." Sonny sighed, "Thanks for getting Brooke outta here. She hates hospitals but refused to leave. I know she's thinkin' about her mom...how she insisted Sarah get outta there and then she took those pills. I couldn't bring myself to tell her I wasn't gonna do that, but I don't think she'd one hundred percent believe me."

Olivia nodded and hoped she would remember to ask Ed if Brooke had always had a bit of fatalism in her personality or if that had happened as a result of the death of her mother and her former student at the hands of her stepfather. When she first met Ed's daughters, Sarah and Brooke were nearly indistinguishable. They'd both weathered some storms since. Sarah emerged more or less unscathed; Brooke showed signs of wear and tear.

"I get the feeling she's never going to be as happy as she was when we first met," Sonny continued.

Olivia raised her eyebrows. Apparently she wasn't the only one concerned about Brooke, and she applauded Carisi for realizing it even while sick and taking strong medication.

"She always seems like she's searching," he continued, "And not finding whatever it is she wants, I don't think she knows. I don't know. I hope she still wants me."

After a glance toward the door to make sure they weren't overhead, Olivia replied in a low voice, "I think she's trying to find a way out of this crisis she's been in for...a couple years now. I think she finds glimmers of hope, experiences some joy and then feels crushed when it doesn't last. Speaking from experience, those moments are devastating...they're almost worse than the initial blow, because you believe you've conquered a demon only to get shoved back down the hill."

"Sisyphus."

"Huh?"

"Sisyphus," Sonny said, "He was punished by repeatedly rolling that boulder up the hill only for it to roll back down again when he got close to the top."

"Ah, yes," Olivia smiled, "But wasn't he evil in the first place? Deserved it."

"Yeah he was," Sonny replied.

"But...same concept," Olivia said. She always enjoyed diving in to his highbrow analogies, "And, of course, we're often subjected to punishments, some self-imposed, we don't deserve."

"I wish Brooke could see that."

"It takes time," Olivia said, "She'll get there."

Sonny yawned and closed his eyes. "Lieu, I gotta sleep," he said, "You can go...I'm gonna be out, I can tell."

His speech was slurred so Olivia had no doubt he was going to fall into a long, deep slumber. He would never know if she ducked out before Brooke returned, but she stayed put, told Brooke via text to take her time, and let Ed know she would need another couple hours. He replied with a picture of the the three napping children. Sofia was in Maggie's bed.

How'd you do that? Olivia typed.

He responded immediately. Promised ice cream.

I better bring some home with me then, she replied with a laughing emoji.

Ed sent a fist, a heart, and #Teamwork.

Olivia audibly laughed and glanced warily at Sonny, but he didn't stir. Her husband was notoriously loathe to accept new forms of popular culture, and he particularly hated hashtags. She was certain he sent the reply knowing it would get at least a tiny grin out of her. Regardless of distance, Ed Tucker always found a way to make her smile.

….

#Tuckson