A/N: The after-dinner walk following a day of revelations. What does the evening hold for our two Stanford students?
A/N Addendum: Sorry that this chapter took so long to come out. No writer's block this time around. This time it was deviated septum plus sinus surgery for me back on February 1. The surgery was out-patient and went fine. No pain afterwards. The week after the surgery was 'interesting'. Those of you who've had nasal surgery know what I'm talking about. Gross. No way to sit up over a keyboard without making a mess. The post-op visits for the sinus part of it are still on-going. No details, but if I ever write a Chuck spy story (Shush, Other Voice in my Head, what did we talk about? No, you may not talk to Other Other Voice in my Head.) I have a great idea for a torture scene. The Marathon Man movie is a hint. Then, last week my wife had the first of two eye surgeries to correct vision issues, not Lasix, but close. So, fun February.
Disclaimer: The Yankee groundhog saw his shadow and predicted more winter. The Southern groundhog (Stone Mountain, Georgia) didn't see his shadow, so he predicted an early spring. Then most of the country proceeded to freeze. My ownership of Chuck is similarly confused. I have no legal ownership of Chuck; emotional ownership is another story. Emotional ownership conveys no monetary rewards (i.e. – I make no money from Chuck).
Chapter 19 – I'm Walkin'
November 11
As they walked along, the breeze changed and Ivory Soap, cedar, and that certain something that just said him wafted over to Sarah causing her to shiver. She quickly glanced over at Chuck to see if he noticed, but he was too busy trying to figure out what to do with his hands.
First, he tried crossing his arms, but after a few steps, he gave that up as impractical. Next, he stuck his hands in his back pockets. That didn't seem to work, so he tried sticking them in his front pockets, but that was even more awkward. With a quiet, resigned sigh, he pulled his hands from his pockets and allowed them to swing loosely at his sides, where they had started off.
Sarah held back a grin and tried to ignore the ache in her heart, at the same time. Here was absolutely the smartest guy she had ever met unsure of what to do with his hands while on a walk with a girl. It would have been comical, if it weren't so heartbreaking. Chuck was the sweetest, most unassuming boy she had ever been around. He went out of his way to help others, but he couldn't help himself. Capable of amazing things, but, all the while, uncertain about the most basic social things. Things that everyone else she knew took for granted. Second nature. It was all she could do to not reach over and grab his hand and pull him into another hug. To reassure him that everything was OK, that everything was going to be OK. That he was just fine. She wanted to, but she was wary, conscious of what Ellie had told her about how Chuck might be struggling to process his emotions. More than once, as they walked along, she felt her hand twitch with the beginnings of attempting that reach. Sarah willed her hand back to stillness. The next time she glanced at him, she saw him looking back at her with a frustrated frown twisting his face.
"I don't know what to do," Chuck confessed, looking down dejectedly.
"You don't have to do anything, Chuck. You're doing just fine," Sarah reassured him. "You're walking. With me. We're walking, together, across campus. Two … friends … um … out for an evening stroll." Evening stroll? Good grief. What is this? The 1890's? I'm being an idiot, she fumed silently.
Chuck grinned. "Evening stroll, huh?"
"Shut up!" Sarah pouted, before grinning back at him. "What do you know about it?" Thinking about what she'd just said, she tensed.
"I'm inexperienced, not an idiot," he chided smiling. "I've seen The Music Man movie forty-seven times."
"Forty-seven times? Is that right?" she teased. He nodded. Sarah wondered if he could read her mind on top of everything else. "So, what does that mean exactly?" She looked up at him through her lashes, her lips curved into a coy smile.
"It means that I know all about taking evening strolls. Robert Preston was no slouch," Chuck replied smugly.
"Well then, Mr. Bartowski, we'll follow Mr. Preston's lead and we shall stroll," Sarah smiled. She was gratified to see him smiling warmly back at her. Inwardly, she did wince a little at the apparent childishness of their conversation. Ellie wasn't kidding. This was going to take time.
Their walk took them northeast along Lomita Drive past the Terman Fountain. When they came to the Panama Mall, they followed it southeast back toward Helman Hall. Chuck appeared to be deep in thought. When Sarah looked at him, an image entered her thoughts, unbidden. In her mind's eye, she saw the two of them taking a similar walk. They were older. And there were a couple of kids racing up and down and around them as they smiled at them indulgently. She shook her head to clear it, trying to keep her cheeks from blushing. Get a grip, Walker. He's only hugged you once. You're getting way ahead of yourself. She was at least honest enough with herself to admit the image wasn't distasteful to her. Another mental shake. Focus, Sarah.
They walked in silence for a little longer, before Chuck spoke up. "Was there anything else you wanted to ask me about, Sarah?" he asked, his voice tentative.
"Not really. Not yet, at least," she replied. When she saw his face fall, she quickly added. "You told me so much before that I'm still sorting it out," she shrugged. "Don't worry, I'm sure some questions will surface sooner or later."
"I'm not worried, just curious," he said. After shuffling along for a bit, Chuck looked over at Sarah with a reluctant expression. "There is something else I wanted to say to you," he began. "I'm pretty sure that you would have figured it out once you had a chance to think over all the stuff that I told you today." He was fidgeting with his hands again.
"So, why don't you wait for me to parse your story?" Sarah asked. She cocked her head at him and she could tell that he was nervous. "Chuck, it's OK. I'm not mad or anything. After what you shared with me today, I could never be mad. Overwhelmed, yes. But mad, no. It was a lot of information to hear all at once. You gave me a lot to think about." The feeling of his nervousness receding was palpable.
Chuck bounced his head from side to side with a small grin on his face. "I guess I'm being impatient. After telling you so much, I feel like I want … No, that's not it." He thought for a moment. "Need. That's the word," he nodded. "I need to tell you this." She gave him a questioning look. "I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. I need you to know this. I need to explain. To help you understand. Where I'm coming from. About all of this." Sarah smiled at him. God, he was so adorable. This was going to be wonderful and difficult all at the same time. As soon as he noticed her smile, he stopped talking. "I'm rambling, aren't I?"
"A little, yeah," she answered. "But, it's OK. I don't mind." His grateful smile warmed her heart. "Why don't you tell me what you can't wait to tell me?"
"Nah, I think I'll wait after all," his grin turned cheeky.
"Chuck!" Sarah admonished. "Don't tease me like that! If you've got something to say, say it." She gave him a faux frown which threatened to turn into a real frown when he kept grinning. When she added a glare, his grin faded quickly.
"Sorry, you're right, Sarah. I shouldn't tease you about this, especially after I said I wanted to talk about it," he said, chastened. He was so honest and sincere that she couldn't even pretend to stay mad at him.
"So?" she prodded.
By now, they had reached the northern end of White Memorial Plaza and the Stanford Bookstore. As they turned to the northeast to cross Meyer Green, Chuck finally spoke.
"I've always lived in a controlled environment. Kind of like the Truman Show movie."
"Do you mean that people were spying on you all of the time? Hidden cameras and microphones? That sounds horrible," Sarah shuddered and her eyes started to tear up.
Seeing her distress, Chuck waved his hands in front of him. "No, no! Not like what they did in the movie. Not that extreme, at least. Were there people observing me? Yes. But not like the movie with people pretending to be things that they weren't. My teachers would observe me in class and labs and write up reports for the psychologists and the other doctors. My coaches, too. And my Boy Scout leaders. Pretty much everyone." Sarah couldn't keep the sadness off of her face. Chuck gave her a sad, sheepish smile and tapped his temple. "What I've got in here is kind of rare and lots of people are interested. I gotta do my part for science," he tried not to sound bitter, but he wasn't sure if he succeeded. "But, that's not what I was trying to say, either." He paused. "Yes, people watched me and reported, but what I meant about the controlled environment was I was always with some sort of adult supervision. In a classroom. In a lab. On a baseball team. Or a swim team. In the Boy Scouts. Even at home. Rarely, if ever, was I out on my own." He suddenly laughed, much to Sarah's surprise.
"Why are you laughing? What's so funny? What you just told me didn't sound very funny." She loved to hear him laugh, but it seemed strange coming at this particular moment.
After a minute, Chuck wiped his eyes. "Sorry. Sorry. I was just thinking about something Morgan once told me," he said, still chuckling. "He called himself a 'free range kid'. That meant his mom kicked him out of the house and expected him to find his own fun, but to stay out of trouble. He would get on his bike and just go. Go wherever. Lots of times he came over to see me, but not always. The only rule, besides staying out of trouble, was to be home at the known meal times. And keep up with his schoolwork. So, I guess that's two more rules. Anyway, he almost always made it back for meals on time. Staying out of trouble and staying current with his schoolwork, not so much. More than once, I was the one trying to help him with both of those things. Took a few beatings for him from bullies, too. That was when we were younger and he was in grade school, before I left for Boston and, then, England."
For some reason, the thought pleased Sarah that he would stick up for his friend, even though the idea of him fighting and getting beat up upset her and she was angry at Morgan for putting Chuck in those situations in the first place. She shook her head to clear it. "I'm guessing that you weren't ever a 'free range kid'?"
Chuck laughed. "Oh, no. Not ever. Not until I came here to Stanford. What we're doing now is the most 'free range' I've ever been." Sarah's heart swelled and began to beat faster. "Living in a dorm. Eating in a dining hall. Going to football games. Or football tailgates. Walking around campus alone. Or with you. Spending time with you. And not an adult in sight. No adults actively watching me, at least."
"How does it feel to be a 'free range kid', finally?" Sarah asked, only slightly teasing. There was more hope than tease in her tone and in her question.
"It feels great," he smiled. "Maybe not as great as roaming all over Burbank with no adult supervision like Morgan, but it feels pretty great just the same." Chuck looked over at Sarah with a frank expression. "And you've been there every step of the way. Thank you, Sarah. I appreciate it more than you can know."
The look he was giving her and his honest thank you sent heat coursing through her body from her chest to each of her limbs and back again. It pooled behind her navel, causing her to blush. Fortunately, the area they were currently walking through was shaded and dark enough to hide her reaction. Or so she hoped. What was going on? She had never reacted to a guy like this in her life before. Certainly, she'd never had feelings for a guy that were this intense at any time in the past. Sarah felt mental mom waking up, so she gave in, not willing to have one of those internal conversations, just then. OK, fine. Yes, I know what this is. At least, I think I do. Calm down, Mom. We're a long way from any of that. A long way.
They'd skirted south of Green Library before arriving on Galvez Mall and turning more to the north. As they came upon the Hoover Institution, Chuck guided them northwest along Jane Stanford Way. When they were approaching the northern side of the Main Quad, Chuck spoke up again. This time much more tentatively.
"Sarah, was it … um … OK when I hugged you earlier this afternoon?" He bit his lips looking uncertain.
She could tell something big was coming, so she answered as honestly as she could. "It was fine, Chuck. Remember that I asked you to hug me."
"I remember. Um … Did you like it when I hugged you?" Chuck asked, looking even more uncertain, if that was possible. She could feel the tension coming off of him like he was vibrating.
Sarah gulped, suddenly nervous herself. "Yes, I did like it. Very much. Why do you ask?" She held her breath.
Chuck visibly relaxed. All tension gone in that instant. "Good. Um … Yeah, good. I thought that was the case. Hoped it was. But I'm not so good at reading people's nonverbal cues. Don't have a lot of practice." A small shrug. Sarah started to relax, but something about the look in his eyes caused her nerves to jump. He started to shuffle his feet again. What could that mean, she wondered? It didn't take her long to find out. "Would it be OK if I hugged you again?" he asked cautiously.
"What? Right now? Here?" she replied, looking around. He wanted to hug her on the side of the street? Not that there was anything wrong with that. But no, that wasn't it, was it? Something else was going on.
"No, not right now," he paused. "Well, maybe." Half of a smile. "What I'm asking is for you to help me." Now Sarah was completely confused, so she just stared at him. "I'm asking for your help. For you. To help me. Would you?" She cocked an eye at him and waited. Chuck looked back at her with his own confused frown. He squinted and scratched the back of his head not sure what to do next.
Shaking her head slightly, Sarah spoke. "You haven't said what you need my help with."
"Oh! Oh, right," Chuck smacked his palm on his forehead. "What an idiot I am. Sorry about that. I'm asking for your help with hugging," he said matter-of-factly as he nodded to her. After a moment of silence, he sniffed. Apparently, he felt that he'd explained himself sufficiently. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Sarah pointed to an empty bench in Dohrmann Grove, outside the Stanford Art Gallery, and led Chuck over to it. Grabbing his elbow, she pulled him down to sit beside her. She tried to ignore the tingle in her hand from where she'd touched him. He was looking nervous again.
"You want my help with hugging?" she asked. He nodded. "What do you mean 'you need help with hugging'? I thought that you hugged me pretty well this afternoon. What are you talking about now? What do you want me to do?" OK, that last question was kind of dumb, but still. Sarah was trying to be gentle. She couldn't help it, this was strange. Chuck just sat there dumbstruck. Taking a breath, she tried a different approach. "It's OK, Chuck. I'm not upset. You can talk to me about anything. Trust me."
"Anything?" Quietly.
"Anything." Emphatically.
He blew out a breath. "OK. Anything. Right. OK. Fine." Chuck nodded and looked at her, turning toward her slightly. Sarah nodded back to him. Suddenly, he reached out and took her two hands in his two larger and warmer ones. They both felt the electric snap when their hands met. Sarah's heart was hammering in her chest and she stared at their joined hands. When she looked up at Chuck, she saw the wonder in his eyes that she was sure was reflected in her own. She wanted to say something, but couldn't. Thankfully, Chuck filled the silence between them.
"What is this?" he asked, whispering. Sarah just shook her head. "I know you feel it, too. I can see it in your eyes. You do feel it, don't you?" She nodded, wordlessly. "Have you ever, in your whole life, felt anything like this before?" Sarah couldn't answer. Chuck squeezed her hands gently and gave them a small tug. "Say something, Sarah. Please. I'm begging you."
The heat that had been coursing through her a little while ago was back, but it was now more like an inferno. It took all of her self-control to not just grab his face and kiss him senseless. What was this electricity? He was right, she'd never felt it before. She was in way over her head. Feeling him squeeze her hands so gently sent a thrill through her, but it gave her something to focus on so she could rein herself back in. Then and only then could she attempt to answer his question. "No Chuck, I haven't ever felt anything like this before in my life. Nothing even close."
"Then you feel it, too. That's good. That's good. This … I don't know … electricity. Electricity? You feel that? The buzz in the air around us whenever we're near each other? The snap when we touch? You feel that? All of that?" He knew that he was repeating himself, but he didn't know what else to say. What else to do.
Sarah smiled and nodded, gaining confidence with each passing second. "Yes, I feel all of that. Just like you." Chuck's eyes widened and he quickly pulled his hands away. She immediately missed the contact, confused by his mercurial behavior.
"What do you think it is?" Chuck asked quizzically.
Sarah had a pretty good idea, but she thought back to her conversation with Ellie that afternoon. And she dodged the question. "I'm not sure, Chuck. What do you think it is?" He was quiet, obviously thinking. Something in her body throbbed. Watching Chuck think was really a turn on. Oh God. Stop. Get a grip.
"I think we have some sort of connection. I've never felt this with anyone else that I've ever met. Not my family. Not Morgan. Not any of the other Songbirds. Just you, Sarah. Just you. We've got a connection; I don't know what it is. I have no frame of reference to figure it out. Do you?"
She dodged the question once more and changed the subject. "Why did you let go of my hands so suddenly? Did I do something wrong?" She needed to stop thinking what she was thinking. Focus, Sarah, focus. Think about helping him, like you promised Ellie.
"What? Wrong?" Chuck was confused. "No, you didn't do anything wrong. It was me. I don't know how I'll react to prolonged contact. With you. How I'll react to prolonged contact with you. Physical contact, I mean." I know how I'll react, she thought. Damn it, Walker! Stop doing that. She thought, instead, about what he'd just said.
Sarah was mildly alarmed. "What do you mean how you'd react to prolonged contact with me? What's wrong with me?" Now, she was confused, again, and getting upset. And the fire inside her was still raging.
"Nothing's wrong with you, Sarah. Nothing. Not one thing. At all. No. I was talking about me. About my head. My hyperthymesia. That's why I was talking about getting your help with hugging." Stay focused, Sarah.
"If you were talking about hugging, why did you grab my hands?" Focus.
"You said I could talk to you about anything," he said. She nodded her confirmation. "Well, I've felt that electric buzz, for lack of a better word, ever since I met you. Every time I'm near you. Even in the same room, but it gets more intense the closer we are to each other. That snap every time we touch each other. When I've shaken your hand. When we've hugged. When I grabbed your hands a second ago. I had to know if you felt it too and if you had any idea what it was." Focus. Listen to your heart, don't listen to any other part of you. But use your head and answer him.
"Why does that matter?" Sarah asked softly.
"Because you're different, Sarah. Like I said, different from anyone else I've ever met anywhere in the world. Male or female. Because I feel a special connection to you that I've never felt with anyone else. You make me feel …," he tapered off into silence. You make me feel amazing, she said to herself. Focus.
"I make you feel … what?" Sarah spoke so softly that she was almost whispering.
"I don't know, Sarah. I don't." She thought he sounded like he was lost, adrift. Maybe, if she tried prompting him.
"Do I make you feel bad? Upset?"
"No not bad. Nor upset. Not at all. No, you make me feel …," Chuck stopped again, frustrated. When he looked at her, he saw patience and encouragement in her eyes. "I don't know. I really don't," he looked down and shook his head sadly. "I'm such a mess."
Sarah's heart broke. She reached out to comfort him, feeling the now familiar snap when she touched his arm. His head came up quickly and she jerked her hand back, concerned. When she saw the confusion on his face change into certainty, she relaxed.
"Human, Sarah," he said sincerely. "You make me feel human. Normal. Whole. Alive. And safe," he nodded. "You make me feel safe." Then his face clouded over again. "And something else that I don't understand." Sarah beamed at him. She knew what she hoped he was feeling. It was someplace to start.
"I make you feel safe?" she asked. He simply nodded. "How do I make you feel that way, do you think?"
"Don't know. It's just how I feel when we're together. Near each other. Even in the practice room. I feel normal. Not so different. Not so distant from everyone."
"Um … wow? I don't know what to say," she said. Liar! You do know what to say, you're just not saying it. That was true, so instead she said something else. "I'm glad that being around me makes you feel that way. Maybe we can figure it all out. Together." Chuck nodded, smiling shyly. "Now, why don't you tell me more about how you want my help with hugging?"
Chuck tried to form his thoughts into coherent words, but sitting so close to Sarah, especially after holding her hands and their discussion about their … whatever-it-was … electricity … made it difficult. More difficult than it normally was for him to talk when she was around. Difficult for him to talk to her at all, in fact. Trying to focus, he looked down at his hands in his lap. They were still tingling from holding her hands. What was he feeling? What was going on? Sarah said that she would help him figure it out. He had to trust her at her word. She'd never lied to him. Taking a calming breath, he focused on what he wanted to say. His confusion melted away into clarity and he raised his eyes to look at her. The blue eyes that greeted him almost made him lose focus, again. Made him want to get lost in them forever. He clamped down on those feelings and brought his full intellect to bear in order to tell Sarah what he was thinking.
"I've not had a lot of human contact. As you might have guessed," Chuck began. Sarah's eyes widened, but she remained silent. "That's not right. Let me try again," he paused. "What I'm trying to say is, like I told you this afternoon, I've not had a lot of experience with girls. Not kissing. Not holding hands. Not hugging. Not just being with a girl that I – that I have … um … feelings for. Nothing. Some of that is just the circumstances I told you about before. But not all of it. Some of it was … is … me. My reluctance. My fear about having physical contact with people. Um … With girls. Fear about what it would do to my head." He reached up and tapped his temple. "Inside. How would it affect my movie? My endless life movie that's running in my head all of the time. How contact would affect my mental doors and the stuff I've pushed in those 'closets'." Sarah knew instantly what he was talking about. It was the same thing she'd discussed with Ellie that afternoon after Chuck had gone to his practice.
"You're not just talking about physical contact, though, are you?" she asked. Chuck looked at her apprehensively. "You're also talking about emotional contact. You're talking about how you're not sure how having an emotional connection with a girl will affect your head because of your hyperthymesia. Am I right?" He twisted his mouth to the side and nodded.
"Yeah, you're right. That's it exactly. I don't know how any of that will affect my brain. But I want to find out. I need to find out, but …," he hesitated.
"But?" Sarah gently pushed. He bit his lip, still hesitant. "You can tell me. It's alright. Trust me," she smiled her encouragement.
Chuck closed his eyes and snorted out a breath, frustrated. He opened his eyes and looked at her. "But, I'm afraid. Kind of terrified, actually. I'm tired of being alone. Living alone. All of the time. But, I'm afraid to be close to someone. Afraid to touch them. Afraid to loosen up my emotions and let down my emotional controls. Find out what they are and what I'm feeling." By now, he was looking down at his hands and blushing his embarrassment.
"Why are you so afraid of your feelings, Chuck?" Sarah thought she knew why, especially after talking with Ellie, but she wanted to hear what he had to say.
"I'm afraid of them because what happens if I mess up? What happens if I make a mistake? Lose control?" He shook his head, tears forming in his eyes. "Will one of my doors open? More than one? Will I have one of my episodes? Could I fall into a coma and never wake up?" he shrugged. "I don't know. I need to find out, to experiment, but I'm both the guinea pig and the scientist. One false move and it could be all over for me. It's kind of a Catch-22. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. That's sort of a theme with me today." He gave her a sad smile and she gave him a sympathetic one in return.
Ellie had hit the nail on the head. Sarah was amazed. She was also heartsick. Chuck sounded so desperate and lonely. And genuinely afraid. All she wanted to do was wrap him in her arms and take all of his fears away. Something shifted inside of her. A light went on in her head. A bright light. A very bright light. Her heart started thudding in her chest again. She refused to acknowledge it. If she did, she knew she'd likely burst into tears. Now was not the time. Chuck needed her. Instead, she pushed it down. Right now, it meant that she'd do everything she could to help Chuck Bartowski. Sarah may have been on a singular mission before, to graduate and start in PT school to help Jack, but now she had a sub-mission to be everything she could be for Chuck. Her Chuck. With that thought, her mind cleared and another thought came into focus. But, first, she wanted him to articulate what he wanted with hugs.
"So, you're worried about your emotions?" she asked. He nodded. "And you want to try hugging to see what that does to you, but you're worried about what could go wrong?" More nodding. "Well, let me ask you one question," she paused.
"What question is that?"
"What happened when you hugged me this afternoon? You didn't fall into a coma or have an episode, did you?"
"No. No, I didn't," He replied with a bit of hope.
"Did any of your mental doors come open?" Sarah watched him carefully.
"No, that didn't happen either. If one had come open, I would've had some sort of episode. That's kind of how they work," he shrugged apologetically.
"Good," she smiled. "So, what did you feel? What was going through your head?" He bounced his head at her, causing his curly hair to shift around. She wanted to run her fingers through those curls so much. Stop. Focus.
"I was thinking about you. About how wonderful it was to hug you." A small smile. Sarah wanted to jump for joy, but didn't. Barely.
"Anything else?" Sarah saw a look in his eye before he looked away.
"Yeah, there was," he sounded contrite. "I was thinking that I really needed to go or I was going to be late for practice and I'd be running punishment poles again." He looked at her sheepishly. "Sorry about that. No offense."
Sarah couldn't help but laugh a little. "None taken. None taken. Perfectly understandable, too." He brightened. She continued, "So, you're telling me that nothing bad happened? That you enjoyed hugging me? That you enjoyed hugging me and there weren't any negative side effects while you were doing it? No doors opening? Not even a crack?"
Chuck nodded, smiling. "Yes, I enjoyed hugging you. Nothing bad happened. No door opened. Not even a crack. No headache. Nothing bad at all."
"OK, that's great. I'm glad. Then I have to ask, why all of the concern about hugging and stuff?" Chuck looked shocked.
"Sarah! It was only one time. One experiment, if you will. I can't form any sort of conclusion about whether it's safe or not for me to let my guard down and go in for hugs. Or anything else. I would have to work up a whole test sequence. Duration. Setting. Repetition. Replication timing." Sarah's head was spinning.
"That's a lot. What sort of 'experiment' are you thinking about?" she asked. It was fascinating to see him in his element, but considering what they were talking about, it was also a bit intimidating. "You're not saying all of this to tease me, are you?"
Chuck looked mortified. "No, Sarah. I wouldn't do that to you. I promised to be honest with you today and I will be. I am being. I'm not teasing. I swear."
"It's OK, Chuck. I believe you," she was emphatic. "Tell me more about your experiment idea."
"Thank you for believing me," he said gratefully. "First thing I need to find out is what sorts of hugs do girls and boys give each other. What locations or settings? How long does each hug last? Do they hug repeatedly? If so, what is the rest time between hugs? Are there people watching or not? If people are watching, how many people? When a hugging session is over how long a time period before the next hugging session commences? Is there any correlation between any of those factors? A correlation such as are certain types of hugs of a particular duration and frequency only performed in specific settings with a specified number of people watching? What if people aren't watching, do any of the other factors change, too, or do they stay the same? Once I've gathered all of that data, I can work up a test matrix allowing for all of those factors. Then, when the matrix is complete, I can create an app we could load on our phones that would signal when it was time for us to hug again. We'd enter the specifics of our current situation and then hug. Over a number of days, probably weeks, I'd get enough data to come to a definitive conclusion. Since we're in classes or taking tests, I'd have to factor that in too, I guess. My baseball stuff and your Songbirds stuff. All that will limit the number of experiments we can conduct in any given day. Hmmm." Chuck pondered. "That may well force me to adjust my time estimate upwards. We might be talking a month or more. Especially when we factor in Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks. Yeah, probably more than a month now that I think about it. What do you think?"
Sarah was stunned. She sat there looking at him open-mouthed. What do I think? I think you're amazing. And adorable. And so lovable. But you're also crazy. She wasn't sure if he was describing an experiment or a workout plan. It certainly wasn't romantic. He just jumped into the deep end of the pool without even looking to see if there was any water in it. Way too much time in a lab and not enough time out in the real world. But that was part of the problem, wasn't it? She had questions. She had to think, but he was waiting for her answer. What to tell him? Sarah had no idea. She needed to say something, so, of course, she said the wrong thing.
"What do I think? I think that's a lot." Chuck nodded happily. "Once you have all of your … um … hugging data, what happens then?"
Chuck was bouncing where he sat. "I'm glad you asked. What happens next is we repeat the process with the next items on the list. Holding hands. Putting arms around each other." More pondering. "I'm not really sure whether holding hands or putting arms around each other should come next. What do boys and girls typically do first, in your experience?" he asked. That depends on the people, she thought. With Carina, it would be to shag each other rotten, but Sarah didn't want to mention that for fear of melting his brain. She stopped with that train of thought and answered him.
"To be honest, holding hands and putting arms around each other can go in either order or even happen close to the same time," Sarah responded.
"OK, well then we can work that out when we get closer to that stage of our experiment regimen."
"Then what?" she wanted to see where he was going and how far. It was a train wreck, but she found that she couldn't look away.
"After the holding hands slash arms around each other experiments, we move on to the kissing stage."
"Kissing?"
"Yes, kissing."
"I see." Pause. "What next. After the kissing, I mean."
"After the kissing?" he asked. She nodded. "Kissing is a big stage, isn't it? Even though I don't know much, I do know that there are all kinds of kisses, so that stage will take a pretty long time. Probably even longer than any of the earlier stages. But since you asked … Hmmm?" A pause and some more pondering. "Well, all that's left is, I guess, sex. That's right isn't it? There's not something else people do together. Physically, I mean. Right? Hugging. Holding hands. Putting arms around each other. Kissing. Having sex. That's all there is, right? I didn't miss anything did I?"
Sarah's cheeks were burning, but the darkness hid that fact, much to her relief. "Well, to be honest, you forgot snuggling." She knew she needed to say something, but she didn't know what to say or how to say it. How had this conversation gone so completely off of the rails?
"Snuggling? You mean in bed. Or on the couch? Or someplace else?"
"All of the above, yes. Snuggling," she coughed to cover her growing embarrassment.
"OK, so we insert snuggling into the list. Where should it go? Should snuggling be before or after kissing? Or somewhere else?"
"Snuggling is sort of like holding hands and the arm action. It can happen at any time."
"Arm action?"
"Sorry. It was getting tough to keep saying 'putting arms around each other," Sarah explained. She didn't explain about other types of 'arm action'. She was not going to think about that right now.
"Right. So, snuggling can come any time after we finish the hugging experiments."
"That's true, but snuggling is kind of related to hugging, but sitting or lying down. And it tends to last a lot longer than hugging." Sarah was feeling a little crazy, but Chuck was being completely serious.
"Then I'll put snuggling just before kissing. Make sense to you?"
"Fine by me."
"That just leaves sex. At the end. The last experiment." Chuck nodded, like it was just the end of a logical chain of events.
"Sex?" Sarah couldn't keep her voice from going up an octave.
Chuck panicked. More than a little. And said the wrong thing, of course. "Oh, not with you!" he blurted, waving his arms in 'no' motion.
"Whaddya mean, not with me? Who were you planning on having sex with?" She was incensed. She knew she shouldn't be, knew that they'd left logical about twenty miles back and had taken up residence in Crazytown, but she couldn't stop herself.
"No, that's not what I meant to say."
"What did you mean to say?" Sarah pursed her lips and squinted at him trying to give him some stink-eye, but it was probably too dark for him to see it. He wilted.
"I have no idea, Sarah. No idea at all. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking," Chuck apologized.
Three thoughts struck Sarah at the almost same time. First, she realized that Chuck really did have no idea what he was talking about and was using his education and training to try and make up for it. Second, she noticed that he hadn't stuttered or stammered at all when they were talking since their walk started. He'd fumbled a few times. Maybe a little stammer, but otherwise he was completely articulate. He'd been pretty good that afternoon, but tonight he was even better. That was a huge step in the right direction. The third thing she realized was her previous thought about Chuck's headaches. That gave her an idea. But she had to fix the current situation before she could tell him her idea.
"Chuck, it's alright. I understand. I'm not mad." Chuck looked at her in disbelief. "You just applied your prior experience, your education and training, to the problem. Science and math and experiments. All that stuff."
"Yeah, you're right. I did do that. Sorry for going Weird Science on you."
"Gee, Mr. Science, that's OK. You can go Weird Science anytime you want. It was kinda cute." Chuck gave her a goofy grin. It was more than cute, but she wasn't going to mention that. Yet. "But you didn't consider one factor in everything you were telling me."
"What factor was that, Sarah?" Chuck cocked his head to the side with an expectant expression.
"You never mentioned your headaches." Realization bloomed on his face.
"You're right, I didn't mention them," Chuck nodded.
"Have you ever had an episode that was not preceded by one of your headaches?"
"No, I haven't. At least, not since I was much younger and learned the mental controls that I now have."
"OK, then can't your experiments simply be trying things that you want to try and seeing if you start to get one of your headaches? And if you feel a headache coming on, you stop what you are doing and perform your meditation exercises to fight it off, like you did the first day we met?" Sarah asked hopefully. It would make things a lot easier allowing her to focus on what she thought the real issue was.
Chuck pursed his lips and twisted his mouth around while he squinted, thinking about what Sarah had just told him. He looked at it every way he could think of. Tried to poke holes in her idea. Give it a good scientific once over. Her idea was a good one for what they'd been talking about, but there was another side that they'd not really discussed much.
"What you're proposing makes sense and is a lot easier to implement than what I was talking about. More realistic and natural, too. The one thing you didn't mention was, well, actually something we talked about earlier but didn't factor into what I was saying."
"Are you talking about figuring out your emotions, Chuck?"
"Yeeeah," he drawled. "That's what I was referring to. My pesky emotions." Chuck started to say more, but closed his mouth instead, considering, looking at her. After a moment, he tried again. "Sarah, you're my friend, right?"
"Of course, I am. Why would you ask me that?"
"I'm asking because I think you're my friend. I feel that you are. And I like you. As a friend."
Sarah got very still. Hopeful. Anxious. "And you're telling me this because … ?"
"I'm telling you this because I don't know if I'm capable of anything more," he said dejectedly. "I've had feelings for people before, like characters in movies or TV shows. Actresses. Some people older than me, a couple of times. The few girls that I went out on those dates with. Even a teacher, once, from the short time I was in grade school. I'm guessing that's what people call 'having a crush'."
"Yeah, that does sound like it could be you were having a crush."
"But I've never had any other kinds of feelings for anyone, like I've read about. Or seen in movies and TV. Romantic feelings. I don't know if I even can have those kinds of feelings."
"Because of how your mind works, you mean?" Sarah choked out. She was struggling to hold back her sudden tears. What could she do to help him ease his obvious pain?
"Yeah, because of my stupid brain," Chuck replied, screwing his face up. She could see the unshed tears of frustration glistening in his beautiful brown eyes. Her heart was beyond aching. It hurt. She could feel it physically. Sarah squeezed her eyes shut. Help him, Sarah, help him, she begged herself. Then she had an answer. No, she had the answer.
"Chuck, there's nothing wrong with your brain," she began, becoming more certain as she was speaking. He just watched her with a questioning look. "You are a human being. With regular human emotions. All of them. Happy. Sad. Joy. Anger. Hope. Love. And all the rest, too." Chuck shrugged. "You say that you have feelings for your family. For Morgan. Right?" He nodded. "You like people and consider them friends. Yes?" Another nod. "You've had what you consider crushes before?"
"Yeah, Sarah, I just told you that."
"I know. I'm just trying to make a point here. Bear with me," she said, smiling gently. "You're afraid that you don't have the capacity or ability or capability or whatever to have romantic feelings, though. Right?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying."
"OK. OK," Sarah took a breath. A lot was riding on what she said next. "Then explain to me what our connection is? Our electric connection, as you called it. You said that you've never had that experience with anyone else you've ever known. Never felt that way before. Couldn't that mean that you feel differently about me than you've felt about anyone you know? Could it be that you like me, not just as a friend, but just for me? You like me because I'm a girl?" She held her breath and looked at him. He was thinking hard. Tense. His eyes were unfocused as he processed everything, she'd told him. He was exploring unknown territory for the first time. It was sexy. He was sexy. And exciting. And a whole lot more. Please, please, she mentally begged him. Please see some of what I see. Then he relaxed and his face wore the ghost of a smile.
"I've thought about what you've said. I've looked at it from every angle I can think of, which, admittedly, doesn't mean too much, given my lack of any kind of experience …"
Sarah interrupted. "You're spiraling, Chuck. Take a breath and just tell me." He listened and did as she requested.
"I like you, Sarah," he said awestruck. "I like you! And you're a girl! You're a friend of mine who's a girl that I like because you're a girl. I like you. I like you. Oh my God! I like you! I'm not a complete alien after all," his joyous laughter both warmed her and brought tears to her eyes. Then he suddenly stopped and his expression turned uncertain once more. "What if that is all I'm able to feel? What if all I can do is like you and nothing else?"
"I don't believe that's the case at all, Chuck, but I understand your concern," she smiled reassuringly. "How about this? We try my simpler experiment suggestion with hugs and all of the rest over time and we talk about any and all emotions you feel. In general, or about me specifically. Whether we're experimenting or not. How does that sound?" The look on Chuck's face warmed her all over.
"That sounds great, Sarah. Just great."
"I'm glad, Chuck."
"So … You're going to be my what? My lab partner?" There was that goofy grin again.
"Sure, Chuck, I'd love to be your lab partner." For now. Lab partner with benefits. Stop. It. Focus. She looked up at him through her lashes and took a deep breath. Letting it out, she spoke. "You need to know that I like you, too, Chuck. I like you very much." His grin threatened to split his face in half.
"OK, partner. I think it's time for us to start experimenting," his grin became a gentle smile. He stood and reached out to pull her up. They felt their, now familiar, electric snap. "Can I hug you?"
Wordlessly, Sarah smiled and opened her arms. He stepped into her embrace and they hugged tightly for a few moments. She could feel him shaking. Pulling apart, she looked up at him. He really was so tall.
"Are you OK, Chuck? I felt you shaking," she said, concern in her voice.
"Yeah, I'm OK, I think. Just realizing how huge 'free range' actually is, that's all. Makes me more than a bit nervous, to be honest."
"Nothing wrong with being nervous. I can help you whenever you feel nervous. That's just one of those pesky emotions you were talking about," she grinned and he grinned back. "But to the point, everything is OK in your head? No headache coming on?"
"Nope, I'm good," he gave her one of his slow smiles. "Great, really." He paused and turned serious. "Sarah, I'm processing a lot right now. Even more than I normally am. I know you are too, after everything I told you today and all of this we talked about tonight." She nodded. "I'm gonna need to take this slowly. There's a lot going on for me with school and baseball. For you, too, with your school and the Songbirds. I need for you to think about everything I told you. Ask me questions, when you think of them."
"I understand, Chuck. Don't worry. I'm here for you. I've got your back. I'll help any way I can." She took a deep breath. "I'm in it for the duration. Whatever you need," she paused. Once more she said something other than what she really wanted to say. "Partner."
"Me, too, Sarah. I'm in it for the duration. I want to figure this stuff out. With your help. Partner." He looked down at her and gave her a new smile. One that she'd never seen from him before. And it melted her insides. Her face broke out in a huge smile of her own. His face morphed into one of his patented Bartowski megawatt smiles that lit up her whole universe. Sarah inclined her head back toward the sidewalk they'd left to find, what would forever be, their bench. It felt so long ago. So much had changed in a very short time. They walked out of the grove side by side. More small steps that were also so huge. Sarah knew that the road would be long, but they were firmly on it. Together. Chuck just didn't fully realize it, yet. But he would.
Chuck and Sarah spent the rest of their walk in companionable silence, each of them lost in their thoughts of the day and each other. They'd passed the north side of the Main Quad and turned back southwest on Lomita Mall. When they were almost back to Roble Hall and the end of their walk, Chuck cleared his throat. Sarah looked over at him expectantly.
"I wanted to ask you another question. You said that I could talk to you about anything, right?"
"Yup, you can talk to me about anything," she confirmed.
"OK, good. I've got an important question then. Morgan and I go back and forth on this all of the time. Maybe you can help settle it once and for all."
"Sure, if I can. What's the question?" Sarah wondered what sort of important question they'd been debating for so long.
"Who do you think would win in a fight between Superman and The Incredible Hulk? DC versus Marvel. Mano-a-mano. Or should that really be Mano-a-Hulk-o?" Chuck asked. Sarah stopped walking and just gaped at him. He looked and sounded completely serious. After all that had gone on that day. Everything he'd told her that afternoon. Everything they'd talked about on their walk. This? This is what he wanted to ask her? She knew that he'd been sheltered, but this was ridiculous. It was beyond ridiculous. Plus, she had no idea and said so.
"I have no idea, Chuck. None," she answered, shaking her head.
"So, apparently we can't talk about absolutely anything after all," he grinned, his eyebrows doing a funny dance.
Oh my God! He'd been pulling her leg! Her Chuck was teasing her. Her boy— ahem … lab partner … was teasing her. She wanted to laugh and jump for joy, but this could not stand. No way. She wore a silly grin, but glared at him. He wasn't so inexperienced that he didn't know what that glare meant. Ellie was his big sister, after all. And she packed a mean punch.
"Time for me to exit stage left!" He grinned and took off running toward the dorm.
"Chuck Bartowski! You come back here!" Sarah took off running after him, briefly thankful that she had decided to wear her trainers to dinner that evening. Chuck continued to run away from her, cackling all the while. She couldn't help her own laughter, her heart filling with happiness.
He dashed into the dorm lobby and opted to race up the stairs taking them two at a time, ignoring the elevator. Sarah was not too far behind, but his long legs and her being careful of her freshly healed ankle, meant it wasn't much of a contest. The students they encountered, during the chase, were amused when they saw who was the source of all of the commotion. When Sarah made it up to her floor, she found Chuck leaning against the wall near the door to her suite, with a smirk on his face. She usually hated smirkers, but the relaxed freedom he displayed with his pose and his smirk told her that he would always be the exception to that rule. Sarah stopped running and sauntered up to him as casually as she could muster. She really wanted to pounce on him. Sauntering and bantering would have to do. For the time being.
"You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Bartowski?" she grinned.
"Ehh. I might have heard that line before," he grinned happily. She adored that grin and the confidence behind it.
"Don't let it go to your head," Sarah teased.
"Who? Me? No way! I've got too much rattling around in there already," he snorted. Then he sobered. "Thank you for coming with me on my walk tonight, Sarah. I really enjoyed it. And everything we talked about." He gave her that new smile she'd seen earlier.
"Me too, Chuck. Thanks for asking me. I enjoyed it, too. Our talk, especially," she said. Hesitating, she looked up at him through her lashes and tucked an errant lock of air behind her ear. "Is it time for another experiment?" Her heart was hammering in her chest and it wasn't from all of the running.
"I hope so," he answered, opening his arms. They stepped into one another and hugged, holding each other as hard as they could. For a long time. She felt calm, but her heart was still hammering and she thought she could feel (and hear) his beating its reply. Drawing apart, Sarah asked the expected question.
"Everything OK, Chuck?"
"Just wonderful," his reply sounded a little dreamy.
"What were you thinking about when we were hugging?"
"You, Sarah. Only you."
"Good answer, lab partner," she grinned, opening her door. "I'll see you tomorrow, right?"
"Yup, tomorrow. At dinner. All afternoon practice from now on," he said, a little sad. Sarah shared his sadness as she stepped into her room. "Night, partner. Sweet dreams, Sarah."
"You, too, Chuck. Sweet dreams, partner." She smiled and waved. He did, too, before turning and walking down the hallway. Sarah closed the door and leaned her back against it, sighing. She stared off into space with a faraway look in her eyes and a huge smile on her face. Her three suitemates looked at her then at each other, their eyes getting huge.
"Are you OK, Sarah?" Zondra asked.
"Never better," Sarah giggled.
"Blondie, what's wrong? You look drunk," Carina asked.
"No, I'm not drunk. Nothing's wrong,"
"If nothing's wrong and you're not drunk, then what is going on? We've never seen you act like this," Amy said.
Sarah's head came down and she focused on her friends. "I'll tell you what's going on." The older CATS leaned forward as one. "I love Chuck Bartowski and I know exactly what to do about it." Her smile got even bigger and she looked like she was glowing. All three of her friends gasped.
Carina looked at the other two. "What did I tell you? Momentous."
When Chuck got back to his room, he found that Morgan was still out. Probably with Alex. This gave him the opportunity to call Ellie like he'd promised that afternoon and fill her in on the day's events. After his walk with Sarah tonight he had even more to tell her. Pulling out his phone, he called his sister's number.
"Hi Ellie, it's me."
"I've been waiting. Patiently," Ellie said, ignoring Devon's snort. What did he know? For her, that was patient. "Spill, little brother. Tell me everything."
And he did. He told her everything. Her squeal upset all of her neighbors within earshot. Given it was an Ellie squeal that was a lot of people from quite some distance away. It took Devon a while to staunch her joyous tears when their call was over.
Both Chuck and Sarah did have sweet dreams that night. Sweet dreams of each other.
A/N2: Chapter title comes from the song by Fats Domino. A classic, upbeat song. Both Chuck and Sarah are feeling the lyrics. On the inside. On the outside, well … It's complicated.
A/N3: A constant thank you to WillieGarvin for all of his essential advice and support. He puts up with all of my bullshit. This story wouldn't be possible without his unending patience. He is a prince among men. And not a bad evil typewriting monkey wrangler.
A/N4: Thank you for reading. Please drop me a PM or leave a review. Let me know what you think. For those of you who have left reviews or PMs previously, thank you. I appreciate each and every one of them.
A/N5: If you enjoy Chuck fan fiction here on the fanfic site, go over to Facebook and join the Chuck Fanfiction group that's there. You'll find nice folks who share your interest in our favorite spy couple. You are not alone.