116. Again, I want to stress I'm taking some liberties with the timeline of the actual episodes for the flashbacks and of course pretending they all fit in with the AU I created. So, flashback wise, it's sort of a double AU…#InMemoryofTucker

Noah tiptoed into his parents' room early one morning and climbed into their bed. It was an unusual move, for he enjoyed little bits of independence, one of which was waking up, pouring his own drink-usually apple juice-and finding a twenty-minute show to watch. He kept close eye on the time, and, at seven a.m., he woke up his parents if they hadn't yet appeared. However, this morning, he wrapped his arms around his mother and burrowed his face into her neck.

"Hi, sweet boy," Olivia whispered, hugging him back.

Noah got straight to the point. "Mommy, is Sonny gonna die?"

"Sweetie," she kissed his head, sat up and carried him out of the room and into the kitchen. She placed him on the island, smoothed his hair, and asked a question instead of answering his. "Why are you afraid Sonny's going to die?"

"Cause he's at da hospital and not comin' out! Mia said her Grandma went there and didn't come out then she died."

Olivia held his hands, "Honey, he's getting the medicine and the doctor's attention he needs to get better. If he's at the hospital, the doctors can make sure they're taking care of him super well and that he's not at work or trying to play too much with Sofia."

Noah's lips curled into a small smile. "Yeah...Sonny likesta play."

"He does."

"What's wrong with him, though?"

"He had the flu. But he was having trouble breathing and they found out he had an infection in his lungs, and that's why he's there. Every hour or so the nurse comes in and gives him a breathing treatment. And some other medicine. The doctors just want to keep him close." Olivia hoped this would satisfy her inquisitive son. She avoided an outright assurance that Sonny would not die because, although his case wasn't considered potentially fatal, people had died of pneumonia. The doctors delivered the diagnosis the day Olivia visited.

"I'm gonna make him a card in art today," Noah said. "Can I bring it to him?"

"That's so thoughtful, Noah. And, I'll check with Brooke today and see how he's doing, but you might not be able to take him the card. If not, Daddy or I will go and maybe we can Face Time."

"Okay."

Olivia glanced at the clock. "We're up early," she said, "How about a special breakfast? Just the two of us? Want to go down to the diner?"

"For banana pancakes?"

"Whatever pancakes you want, honey."

…..

Bumping into Ed at the fundraiser ignited all the old flames of affection and desire Olivia had experienced and craved in the early days of their courtship. The next morning, she half-expected him to call, and the weight of disappointment when he didn't was nearly unbearable. Upon further reflection, she determined it was actually her responsibility to contact him, the ball was in her court, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Ed had moved on and found someone else, and this wasn't a soap opera. She wasn't going to barge into his life and break up his new relationship, no matter how much she regretted her decision. For days, she agonized. What was stopping her from sending a simple text? Why hadn't she chased him the night of their breakup, caught him before he got to the elevator, and dragged him back into the apartment for a relationship-saving heart-to-heart? Though she wanted to see him and at least provide them both with a better sense of closure, work and Noah quickly consumed all of her time, and weeks passed until she saw him again.

The day after the squad arrested Aaron Householder for kidnapping his son, Drew, Tucker marched across the squad room toward Benson's office. He ignored Carisi and Rollins and either didn't hear or also ignored Fin who wondered aloud if their old nemesis was back at IAB. Sonny guessed that he was and now that he and Olivia had broken up, all bets were off. They would be under added, jilted-boyfriend spite-driven scrutiny.

Tucker entered Benson's office without knocking. Her head snapped up and she tore her glasses from her face. "What are you doing here?" Clearly annoyed he'd barged in without warning, she gripped the chair's armrests and glared at him.

"What the hell are you doing going into a house unarmed?" Ed matched her hostile tone and aptly returned her glare. Yesterday, when he heard what she'd done in Sheepshead Bay, his head nearly exploded.

"It was a paintball gun."

"You didn't know that."

Olivia shrugged. "Well, chalk one up to luck."

Frustrated and baffled, Ed put his hands on his hips, started to say something, stopped himself, and stared at the ceiling for a few seconds. "You can't keep thinking you're gonna make up for Dodds."

Olivia's jaw dropped. She wasn't sure if she was more angry that he'd been able to dig through her layers and layers of guilt so easily or that he'd had the audacity to call her out on it. Ed paced back and forth in the short space between the seating area and her desk. He was obviously exasperated, perhaps rightfully so, but she took exception to his tone. He wasn't her boss. He wasn't her...anything.

"I made a call," she said. "I don't have to explain myself to you, and, with all due respect, you weren't there. Aaron was...is...a distraught, desperate father, not a killer-"

"-you used those same words to describe Utley, remember?"

Olivia pressed her lips into a straight line. Ed was right. She had used those words, but she walked into the Crivello's townhouse under different circumstances. Had she known the danger that lurked inside, she would have never gone alone or would have at least called for the proper backup.

Rather than defend herself, she asked, "Ed, why are you here?"

The muscles in his jaw relaxed and the tension left his shoulders. "Can I sit?"

Olivia nodded.

"I saw you at Ben's funeral," he said, "And I was gonna come over, say hi afterwards, but I couldn't find you. I wanted to apologize for the night at the fundraiser. You caught me off guard, wasn't expecting to see you again, and when I saw you-"

Ed looked at her pleadingly. He, too, had experienced the rush of emotions. Olivia stared at her hands. "I know…"

"-then, later on yesterday afternoon I heard what you did. And I was worried. I am worried."

"Worried about me, Ed? Please tell me you're joking. Because if you were so worried, if you loved me, if you wanted to be with me, be with Noah, why did you stay gone? Do you remember, when we got back from Paris, and we thought it was time to start thinking about moving in together and we said something about finally feeling comfortable with someone knowing us? That we had so many ugly parts in our pasts but we trusted each other to know those parts but we loved each other anyway? Do you remember that?"

Ed nodded affirmatively, "But I don't see how that has anything to do with right now."

"You acted like it was the highest honor in the world to know me so well," she said, "But you didn't know me well enough to realize I wasn't going to call? That you would need to do that? You love me but...not enough to overcome your own pride?"

Ed rubbed his temples, "I didn't want to pressure you. I didn't know what to do Liv other than keep trying to live my life. Leaving the apartment that night was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm serious." He locked eyes with her and let a couple of seconds of silence pass for good measure, "Maybe I shoulda come back, but I guess I was erring on the side of caution. I didn't want to piss ya off even more."

"I wasn't pissed off," she replied with a sigh, "I was tired and, well, mad at myself that I had this wonderful man in my life and I couldn't figure out how to put it all together...why it got so hard all of a sudden."

Ed knew the answer, or, he thought he did. Upon their return from Paris, Olivia dove headfirst into work, insisting she was fine and that the vacation was all she needed to recharge and reset. But she was wrong. He knew it but was too afraid of her reaction to point it out. She obsessed over cases more than usual, spent more late nights at the office than he remembered, and, after a while, their relationship suffered.

Olivia wanted to ask about the redhead, find out if she was still in his life, but the inquiries would have to wait. Sonny burst in, with apologies, and informed her baby Drew was dead and Barba was being escorted in for questioning.

"What the…" Olivia started tossing items into her bag and searched for the keys to the SUV. "I knew something was off with him…"

"Need a ride?" Ed asked.

"No, I," Olivia found the keys in a drawer and caught a glimpse of a stack of photos which she knew contained one of her and Ed in Paris. She looked up and shot him a conciliatory smile. He was smirking at her like old times. "Ed…"

"Yeah, ya gotta go."

"No, well, yes, but...we need to talk. Let me...deal with this, whatever it is, and can we meet for coffee sometime?"

At the risk of his heart being shredded a second time, Ed told her he was available whenever she was ready. "This sounds like a bear, though," he said, referring to Barba's detention, "Take your time."

On her way out, Olivia reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Thank you."

…

Almost every Tucker routine had been disrupted by Sonny's illness. Ed and Olivia were happy to help with Sofia, but there was no denying her presence along with frequent runs to the Brooklyn hospital were affecting normal household operations. The twins weren't napping on their regular schedules, Noah was consumed with curiosity and concern, and Olivia's voicemail and email inboxes were filled with messages pertaining to the Benson Center, the show, and a new book laughed at the idea of writing another book.

"I have no idea when that's supposed to happen," she muttered.

So, when Brooke arrived to pick up Sofia on Saturday afternoon and reported Sonny seemed to be on the mend, everyone smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. Noah danced around and celebrated with the twins, who were happy to scream and giggle and spin around in circles even though they weren't exactly sure why. Ed and Olivia invited Brooke to stay for dinner, they ordered delivery, ate, and let Brooke take their SUV back to Brooklyn rather than bother with a cab or an Uber.

"One of us will come get it tomorrow," Ed said, "Just try not to get it towed."

Brooke grinned. "Noted."

"I'll walk ya to the car."

When Ed returned, the apartment had been put in order, the kids were in pajamas, and Olivia situated them in Noah's room with the iPad and the bed rail. They had drinks, a bowl of popcorn, and a full charge. Olivia slid her arms around Ed's waist. He hadn't yet removed his coat and the cold made her shiver.

"Let's get this off," she said.

"Only this?"

"For now."

They retreated to the couch and sat together surrounded in the ambient light and relative silence. Occasionally, sounds of the movie and the kids' voices would float into the room, but they soon only heard the animated characters and assumed Maggie, Wyatt, and Noah had fallen asleep. "I'll check on 'em in a minute," Ed mumbled with his lips pressed to Olivia's head.

"Do you know what I saw on the news while you were gone?" Olivia asked.

"What's that?"

"A little girl died this afternoon after drinking bong water laced with meth. Went into cardiac arrest after drinking it...yesterday...the mother was too scared to bring her to the ER when she realized what happened so she thought she'd treat her at home."

"Jesus."

"I don't know why I even watch the news anymore…"

"Habit," Ed replied though he knew the question was rhetorical. "But yeah, can't ever be a good explanation for half the stuff we hear."

Olivia hugged his chest, "Mmmm...I'm so glad to be right here right now."

"So am I."

Ed stroked her back with the tips of his fingers. Olivia made similar movements on his abdomen and then slowly unbuckled his belt. Ed gasped as she started gently touching him through his underwear.

"I want you," she whispered in a raspy, throaty voice. "You...are a perfect father and husband and...I want you." Olivia omitted grandfather out of expediency but also because Ed didn't love the moniker and she didn't need anything to interfere with their night of intimacy. She stood up, held out her hands, and led him to the bedroom. On the way, they checked on the kids. They were sound asleep and Ed ducked into the room to grab the iPad and put it on Noah's desk so it didn't fall and startle them during the night.

After the brief pause, he joined his wife in the bedroom and nearly drooled as she peeled off her clothes. Ed Tucker had always valued routine and order. In fact, he sacrificed a lot of spontaneity for the comfort of knowing what was going to happen. As a result, there weren't a lot of surprises in his life. He knew what to expect. Nothing ever rattled him. But no matter how many times he saw his wife naked, twitches of nervous yet excited anticipation shot through his body. Every time he made love to her was like the first time.

"Ed...God…Ohhhh…"

It was as magical as it had ever been. They kissed and stared into one another's eyes and, as much as the pleasure would allow, whispered how much they loved each other. Ed trembled slightly afterward and Olivia caressed his face. "Are you okay?" She asked, her eyes gleaming with compassion even in the darkness of the room.

He kissed her on the lips before responding. "I've never been better," he replied in a whisper. "I love you, Liv. God, I love you. Mmmmm...I could die right now." He took her into his arms and wrapped his legs around her lower body but quickly retracted when he heard her sniffle and felt what could have been tears on his neck. "Liv? What is it?"

Ed had uttered dozens of off-hand words and phrases before, during, and after sex, and usually Olivia never thought twice about them. But, when he mentioned dying, Olivia recalled her conversation with Noah and also remembered she'd forgotten to tell Ed about it. She took a deep breath, "Noah asked me if Sonny was going to die, I...I'm sorry, the day-"

"-they've all been gettin' away from us," he said, "I'm sorry...you know I don't mean I really wanna be gone."

Olivia grinned, "Oh, I know."

"But Noah?"

"He must have been talking about Sonny at school, or, maybe Mia brought it up because her grandmother passed away, but he was worried because her grandmother was in the hospital and died, so he was wondering if Sonny was going to die."

"Damn," Ed replied, "Too much death talk lately."

"Should we buy the Ireland trip? Tell him about it soon?"

Ed kissed her forehead, "Yeah, that'll be good." A few seconds of silence passed and Ed continued, "Liv...while we're on the subject...I have that next appointment comin' up...just the check, with the, uh," Ed hated to say it, "Oncologist. Next week."

"Thursday."

"Yeah."

"Justin's coming over to stay with the twins."

"You already set that up?"

"Yes," Olivia said, "I did it weeks ago...and confirmed Thursday. I don't want you going alone even though-"

Ed interrupted her with a kiss. "-I'm perfectly healthy."

"Well, if you're not," Olivia raised one eyebrow and massaged his chest, "You certainly fooled me."

…..

Maggie massaged her forehead and regarded her coffee with disgust. "Why are there no bacon egg and cheese sandwiches here?" She asked. "I need a street food B-E-C right now." Wincing, she took a sip of coffee, which was good, but the hangover prevented her from appreciating everything from the drink to the pleasant Parisian side street on which the morning cafe was situated. The spot had been a favorite for the Tucker family whenever they visited the city. It was busy enough for people watching yet not so touristy as to be inauthentic.

Noah swigged carbonated water in between sips of coffee. Wyatt, who rarely drank alcohol, swallowed two ibuprofen. On their first full day in Paris, the trio left the hotel with no particular plan in mind and ended up bar hopping all day. They took the Metro to a few off-the-beaten-path locales and had a blast drinking with the locals. Thanks to their solid grasp of the French language, they were able to communicate and socialize even if they didn't quite fit in. They arrived back at the hotel, went for a swim, and ordered pizza. At three a.m., Wyatt woke up on one of the terrace loungers and dragged his siblings inside. A few hours later, they sluggishly walked out into another beautiful Parisian spring day.

"Mom would be so proud," Wyatt muttered.

They finished their coffees and croissants and wandered aimlessly, skirting the river. Eventually, they made their way to the Champs de Mars. "Can we rest?" Maggie asked. "And, can we have some water? I'm so thirsty."

"Go pick out a spot," Noah said, "Wyatt and I will be back."

They returned with more food and two bottles of wine. Maggie grumbled about how their parents always made sure to have a blanket which both her brothers ignored. Noah opened the wine, Wyatt broke off a piece of a baguette and offered Maggie some bread and cheese.

"No," she said, "I can't do cheese right now."

Noah and Wyatt opened the bottles. "You want wine?" Wyatt asked Maggie.

"Yeah. That'll be good."

They couldn't have a proper toast because they didn't have glasses, so Wyatt and Noah raised the bottles. "Here we are, Mom and Dad," Wyatt said, "Tried to kill ourselves last night and paying for it today-"

Maggie and Noah laughed.

"Cheers. We love you."

They passed the bottles around. Maggie took a few bites of the baguette and started to feel better. The alcohol coursed through her veins and she laid back and took in the view of the Eiffel Tower through her dark sunglasses. She closed her eyes. Images of the five of them floated on a loop through her mind. Maggie chose to recall only the memories that included everyone-she still couldn't yet bear replaying the conversations only she and her mother had shared.

Eventually, she sat up again and took another long drink. "Guys," she said, "I think we should put some of the ashes here. This is a place we always went. They loved it here. Mom even had a picture of us here on her nightstand." She patted the ground, "This is the Paris place."

Wyatt and Noah agreed.

"Where's the thing?" Wyatt asked. Years of being a bookworm had gifted him with an impressive vocabulary, but he wasn't sure what to call the cylindrical tube containing the ashes. All the words he had, such as "vial" sounded too crude and crass.

"Here," Maggie reached into her bag. She took a deep breath and unscrewed the lid. "Ready?"

"Just a little," Noah said, "Like, not even half."

"Okay."

She tapped some of the contents into her brothers' hands. Wyatt clawed at the turf, and they solemnly placed the ashes in the soil. Wyatt patted the clump of grass back down. Noah pressed two fingers to his lips and tapped the spot. All three wiped away tears.

"This is so unfair," Maggie said. "What I wouldn't give for another day...a week...a year…one more Christmas."

Wyatt buried his face in his hands. Noah patted his back and curled his arm around Maggie. "They knew we loved them," he said reassuringly, "We didn't leave anything unsaid." Both Maggie and Wyatt nodded. "And they knew we'd have each other to get through this." Noah peered at the Eiffel Tower and let tears of his own run down his cheeks. It wasn't lost on him that if it weren't for Maggie and Wyatt, and for Ed Tucker, he would most likely be suffering alone.

"I love you guys," he croaked.

"Love you, too, brother."

"Love you, No," Maggie said, "But I don't love you for last night. Those shots destroyed me."

"It couldn't have been the afternoon cocktails and the wine at dinner."

"Nope," Maggie grabbed one of the bottles, dribbled a little on the spot where they'd left part of their parents and took a swig, "Definitely the shots."

…

The Saturday morning fog lifted a few minutes before noon and gave way to clear, sunny skies. "It's spring!" Noah shouted, "Mommy! It's spring! C'we go out?"

Olivia didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't spring and it was very likely to snow this time next week. She checked the temperature and and dressed the kids in jeans, sweatshirts, and their fleece jackets. It was warm enough to forego the mittens and hats, but she stuffed them in her tote anyway. Noah shoved the soccer ball in the lower stroller storage compartment and pulled his scooter from the closet.

"Babies," he said, "I'm gonna ride dis but I'll stay close."

"Wa' ride, No!" Maggie strained against the straps and looked pleadingly at Olivia.

"We'll get you on your scooters soon," Olivia replied. "But today you're in the stroller. Sorry, Maggs." The twins had owned scooters of their own for a while, but they weren't great at balancing on them last summer and fall. Olivia was sure they were probably ready to try again, but Ed wasn't home and it was too risky to try and keep tabs on two toddlers and Noah all on wheels.

They walked to the nearby park and found many families out and taking advantage of the warmer weather. Noah and the twins raced for the jungle gym and took several trips down the slides. Olivia snapped a few photos but tried not to hover. She stepped back, leaned against a tree, and gave them some space to play semi-independently. The area wasn't large-one jungle gym and a set of monkey bars and the three kids stuck together-so Olivia was able to relax and observe from the sidelines.

Each day, the three personalities became more defined. Noah took his big brother role very seriously, almost too seriously at times. He was encouraging, protective, and made sure to explain even the most minute details of their sibling adventures. Maggie was a leader, active, maybe even a little hyper, and the more vocal of the twins; however, Wyatt was not always a silent follower. He could be headstrong, and it wasn't uncommon for Olivia and Ed to hear "No, Magg!" several times a day. The three Tucker kids complimented each other well. They loved playing together, even though Olivia sometimes felt bad for Noah when the twins couldn't quite match his speed or intellect. He never complained the babies were too young for him, so she tried not to worry about it. After all, he had a horde of friends at school who he adored.

Olivia never let Maggie, Wyatt, and Noah out of her sight, but she must have been more checked out than she thought, because Ed arrived and she didn't realize it until she heard a chorus of "DADDY!"

The kids ran to Ed and he grinned, thrilled to be getting a hero's reception among so many onlookers. "Hey there, young Tuckers," he said, "Snuck off to the park without me?"

"You were at Grandmas, Daddy!"

"I know bud," Ed mussed Noah's hair, "She says hello and she sent cookies."

Noah grinned, "We c'have a snack after this. Daddy, I have da soccer ball. You wanna play after we slide a few more times?"

"Sure do."

"Kay! C'mon, babies, lessgo slide, four, no, five more times! Daddy, Maggs wantsa go down head first but I told her no. C'you tell her no, too?"

"Slide on your butt, Maggs," Ed swatted his daughter's behind. "Show me how ya slide. Let's see it."

"Go fass, Dada!" Wyatt said.

"You gonna go fast, pal?"

Wyatt grinned and ran toward the jungle gym. Maggie and Noah followed. The twins no longer needed assistance climbing the bars, but Noah went up last so he could catch them if they slipped. Sure enough, at the top, Maggie swung her body around and went down headfirst on her stomach.

Ed shook his head, "Might have some trouble with that one."

"Probably." Olivia kissed him on the cheek. "Everything all set?"

"Yep. Flight, hotel, and car all booked. I printed the plane confirmation. Maybe we can tuck it in the Irish book so Noah finds it tonight?"

"He won't go to sleep."

Ed shrugged, "It's Saturday."

"It is," Olivia looped her arm around Ed's and put her head on his shoulder, "And a beautiful one at that."

"You gonna play soccer with us?"

"Of course. Why?"

"We'll probably be on opposite teams," Ed replied, "Care to make it interesting?"

Laughing, Olivia said, "I'm game, Captain. They only have three more slides...better work out those terms."

Ed smirked. He glanced around at other parents, other couples. None of them looked connected to anything other than their phones. "Either way," he said under his breath, "We both win."

"I love our friendly wagers," Olivia murmured.

"Gonna be a little more than friendly if you catch my drift."

Heat rose to her cheeks and she smiled against the burn. "Ed Tucker…"

She recalled a few of the times she'd sat across from him in an interrogation room. Who would have thought that Tucker would become this Tucker-flirty, silly, and unabashedly in love with her?

No one could have predicted it, but it happened. Now, Olivia couldn't imagine her life any other way.

…

#Tuckson