A/N: Chuck has been making progress as the year has gone on. Now, he's taken a step backwards. Can Sarah and his friends help him start to move forward again? His mother gave him her version of the 'cup half full' speech. Focus on the positives, not the negatives. Will he heed her advice?
A/N1.5: Sorry for the very long time this chapter has taken me to finish. Real Life got mad that I was spending so much time writing a Chuck story that it decided to show me who's boss. Nothing even remotely close to what other people have had to deal with, but real stuff nonetheless. Then came the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday excitement. Whew! Anyway, on with the show.
Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck. I make no money from Chuck.
Chapter 35 – I Wanna Hold Your Hand
Sunday May 5 – Stanford Hospital ICU – a bit before 11:00am, eight days after Chuck's injury
Sarah Walker was deep in thought. She had been since the previous night and her private walk back to the dormitory after spending an emotional evening with Chuck. A newly awakened Chuck. If she were being totally honest, she'd been deep in thought since the first moment she arrived back at Stanford the prior weekend to learn that Chuck was still alive, if 'comatose.' The moment she'd touched him and felt their shared spark of connection. But he wasn't comatose, not really. What Sarah had seen, instead, was Chuck's biggest fear made manifest. An episode to end all episodes that featured Chuck being held captive by his uncontrolled memories as they ran rampant through his mind. How did she feel about that?
She'd loved him before he got injured. Before his week-long episode. There was no doubt about that. Did she still love him afterwards? Sarah felt that she did last night when his mother was trying to allay his fears, willing him to think better of himself. Did she still feel that way today? Sarah was sure that she did, but was that enough? Was she enough to keep him grounded in the present and to bring him back if he got lost again? Her presence in his life and her love for him, was that enough? That, she did not know. Was she strong enough to go through another week like the one just concluded? Or some length of time even longer? She didn't know that, either. Sarah was smart enough to realize that she needed to find the answers to those questions. Sooner or later other people would be asking her those very things. Her mom. Mary. Ellie. The CATS. Maybe even Chuck at some point. Sarah didn't like not knowing things, so she continued to search within herself and ponder. As was usually the case, she was not alone and her contemplative demeanor didn't go unnoticed.
All four CATS were huddled in the waiting lounge. When they'd arrived a short while ago, Tammi Stiles, one of the nurses on shift, had told them that Chuck was meeting with someone and the friends would have to wait until the two men were finished speaking before they could visit with their recuperating friend.
"Sorry, ladies," Tammi had apologized. "Chuck's got a doctor in there with him. You're going to have to hang out in the lounge for a while." The short-haired nurse had shrugged and waved her hand vaguely toward the, now familiar, room.
"Oh," Sarah had exclaimed. "Are they talking about the surgery to get that device out of his head?" She had been hopeful, since that would probably also mean Chuck was going to be able to lose the other tubes and wires adorning him like so many streamers after a party. A particularly bad party in this case.
"Nope. Sorry, it's not one of those doctors," the nurse had smiled and shaken her head before turning back toward the nurses' station, cutting off any follow-up questions. With that gentle rebuff, the suitemates had followed her instructions and settled down to wait.
The lounge had been empty so Sarah made sure to grab seats for her and her roommates where she could keep an eye on the door to Chuck's room. She wanted to know the minute it opened so she could spend as much time as possible with her newly awakened boyfriend. Mr. Barker would be back around sooner or later for another memory session and Sarah didn't want to interfere with that if she could avoid it. Consequently, she gave a portion of her attention to watching the door. The other CATS realized she was preoccupied so they left her to her own devices, holding quiet conversations and doing a little studying while also keeping a watchful eye on their younger friend.
"Penny for your thoughts, Sarah?" Amy asked when she couldn't stand watching Sarah brooding any longer. It took Sarah a long moment, but, eventually, she looked over at her friend.
"Just thinking about my life, you know?" Sarah said vaguely. "Probably something you guys did long before now."
"What about your life?"
"Well, the fact that school is coming to an end," Sarah began. Seeing the looks her friends gave her, she went on. "Yeah, I know that I've got three full years of grad school coming up, but there's way less school ahead of me now than behind me," she shrugged. "After that real life awaits."
"So, you're wondering about your life after school?" Amy probed, trying to confirm what the younger woman was talking about.
"And how a certain curly-haired baseball player fits into that life?" Carina interjected with a knowing smirk.
"Yeah, that, too," Sarah drawled. "It's a lot." She waved her arm toward the lounge entrance and Chuck's room beyond. "All of this is a lot to take in."
"Yup, it is," Zondra agreed, then she shook her head, giving Sarah a look.
"What?" The blonde huffed.
"You've been taking this all in since last fall, Sarah," Zondra answered.
"Whaddya mean, Z?"
"I mean that you've known about Chuck and his stuff since even before he told us about it," the brunette shrugged. "Maybe not the details, but you knew he was different. Knew that you felt differently about him. From the very beginning."
"Yeah?"
"Well, he told us … told you all about what went on in his head. What his life was like. Every day. You had to know sooner or later that this was going to happen," Zondra continued. When Sarah's eyes widened, the brunette went on before her friend could refute what she was saying. "Maybe not this this. A week-long episode. But you had to figure that he'd get one of those headaches and not be able to stop from spiraling down into an episode like he told us about. What with all of the work he did, work you've seen him doing. More than once. With the baseball on top of it all. We've all seen him so exhausted that he could hardly keep his eyes open. What if he started to lose control? What if a headache hit when he was like that? What then?"
"That's what I'm thinking about," Sarah sighed, shaking her head. "What I'm worried about."
"You're not hearing me, Sar," the older woman frowned.
"Now what are you talking about?"
"Don't you see?" Zondra lifted both hands in supplication to her friend. "You've been handling this stuff since forever." She could see the confusion on the other woman's face and changed course. "How about this? What was your first thought when you heard about Chuck getting hurt? After you got over the shock, I mean."
"That I needed to come back to him as soon as possible."
"Exactly." Zondra nodded. "You were given a chance to come right back here and you took it. Ran straight to his side. And what have you done since then?"
"Spent every minute I could with him. Or near him."
"What else?"
"Nothing else."
"Are you forgetting how you figured out a test to see if he could react to the outside world? Then, when you found out he could, you devised a way for us … all of us … all his friends and family to come together to attempt to reach him? How you asked people to donate blood or gave encouragement to all of those guys standing outside who were giving positive vibes and saying prayers for Chuck?"
"Yeah, well – "
"Yeah, well nothing," Zondra snorted. "You did all of that. You made it all happen. You brought him back, Sarah. You. Without you, who knows what would have happened." The world suddenly seemed to blur to Sarah.
"What else could I do?" She sniffed. "I love him. I couldn't just sit around doing nothing."
"Again, exactly." There was triumph in her roommate's voice. "You did everything in your power to bring him back."
"Of course. Duh!"
"And did you, even for one minute, think of walking away? Save yourself all of the heartache and worry?" Sarah shook her head timidly. "No, you didn't. Have you thought of giving up and walking away, at all, since you met him? Go back to being the Cold Queen of Coronado? Put all of your focus back on school, like you'd been doing since the first day you got here four years ago? Forget about him and all boys like before? Even when you were upset with him over his keeping all of his secrets?"
"Maybe for a little while …"
"Yeah, until I talked some sense into you," Carina jumped in.
"I guess." Sarah flinched when all three women glared at her. "OK. OK. You're right. Both of you," she admitted. "But it's more than that."
"How so?" Zondra wanted to know.
"I'm not just thinking about having a boyfriend for the next three years, you know. Like I said, I'm thinking about my life after school is over."
"Oh really," Zondra murmured.
"Wow," Amy exclaimed at almost the same time.
"So, you're talking about the first one and done," Carina commented. "Are you sure about that?"
"Hey! You were the ones teasing me about that exact thing last fall, weren't you? And well, you guys did point out all of the stuff I did this week. What I've done and how I've acted since he first interrupted our Songbirds' practice back at the beginning of October. And I do happen to love him, so … "
"So, what's bugging you now?" Zondra groused.
"I'm not sure what he feels."
"Really?" Carina rolled her eyes, not believing what she was hearing. The girl had to be stone blind not to see what everyone else saw, had been seeing for months. Chuck was the only one more clueless than Sarah. At least he has a good excuse. She kept that comment to herself, though. No reason to start ruffling feathers. "Yeah, well, he's a moron."
Sarah sniffed and dabbed at her eyes with a tissue from her purse, nodding all the while. The sun broke out on her face and she giggled. She still had a lot to think about, but now it didn't seem like such a heavy weight. It sure helped to have friends to talk to about what she was going through. She was looking around for a trash can to discard her sodden tissue, when a sound reached her ears and she looked out in the hall.
The door to Chuck's room opened and an older man stepped out.
Sunday May 5 – Stanford Hospital ICU – 11:20am, eight days after Chuck's injury
Sarah scrambled to her feet and rushed to intercept the doctor before he could escape. He turned at the sound of her hurried approach, raising one eyebrow in silent expectation. The young woman came to a stop in front of him, a questioning look on her face.
"How is he, Doctor?" Sarah asked breathlessly.
Leo Dreyfus's mouth curled into a warm smile beneath twinkling eyes. "You must be Sarah Walker. Chuck's girlfriend."
"How…?" Sarah began, her eyes wide.
"Well, Chuck spoke about you. At length," Dr. Dreyfus chuckled as Sarah's cheeks pinked. "He described you in great detail." Pink cheeks darkened into red. "Even if he hadn't, I could tell that you're someone who cares about him by the way you rushed over here." His grin widened. "Since I know what his sister, Ellie, looks like, I guessed you were someone else special. Taking a chance, I chose girlfriend. Turns out I guessed correctly." By this time her suitemates had caught up with her. The doctor looked them over. "And you must be the roommates. What was it he called you?" Dreyfus narrowed his eyes in thought. "The CATS, was it? Is that right?" He gave the young women an expectant look.
"Boy, Chuckles has sure been telling tales, hasn't he?" Carina snipped. Dr. Dreyfus held up his free hand to forestall any further comments.
"Yes, he did mention you, but only in the most positive way. He's very fond of all of you," the older man assured them. "And that is no small thing."
"Why is that, Doctor?" Sarah asked.
"Leo Dreyfus, by the way. Dr. Leo Dreyfus," he stated. "We've established that you're Sarah Walker." Dreyfus peered at the other CATS. "From Chuck's descriptions, you must be Carina Miller, Amy Monroe, and Zondra Rizzo," the doctor concluded, looking at each woman, in turn. "It's a true pleasure to meet all of you." He shifted his black zippered portfolio into his left hand, extending his right to shake. Once the introductions were concluded, Sarah repeated her question.
"Why is it 'no small thing' that Chuck is fond of all of us?" she asked.
"I'm a psychiatrist-," he started.
"You're the person Chuck's mom called last night," Sarah interrupted.
"The very same," Dreyfus confirmed with a nod. "We've been friends and colleagues for years. Had more than a few conversations about Chuck during that time, too, but this is the first time I've been asked to work with him." Sarah nodded her understanding. "I can't tell you exactly what we've talked about, beyond him mentioning all of you. What we will talk about. Doctor-patient and all that, but what I can tell you is that you all mean a great deal to him. You especially, Sarah."
"Why is that so important?" Amy piped up. The doctor smiled.
"It's important because you give Chuck something beyond himself to focus on. He told me that you know about his past. Before he came to Stanford, he was fairly isolated. He had his family, of course, but precious few friends. Stanford changed all of that. Now, he has friends. People he cares about. He has a lot of work to do, but it gives him a goal to work toward. A goal that isn't entirely focused on himself." Dr. Dreyfus looked directly at Sarah and smiled again.
"You mean he wants to … get better," Sarah shrugged at her word choice, "because of us?" Dreyfus's smile grew and he raised his eyebrows humorously. "Because of me?"
"Is that so hard to understand, Miss Walker?"
"And you weren't sure how he felt," Zondra snorted. Sarah's hands covered her mouth like she was praying, trying to hide her smile, but her glistening eyes gave it all away.
"His recent ordeal has unnerved him pretty badly, but he's determined to work through it. I think you bolster his determination, Miss Walker, and, as I said, that's no small thing. Believe me."
"He wants to get better for me?" Sarah's eyes grew wider, still stunned by the realization. The doctor bobbed his head from side to side a little.
"That's one way of putting it," he admitted. "It's going to take time, but I think he'll get there, eventually."
"I just want him to get better for himself. So he can be happy," she said earnestly.
"Even better," Dr. Dreyfus nodded once and smiled. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and transcribe my notes." He patted his portfolio. "It was a pleasure meeting everyone."
"Very nice to meet you, too, Dr. Dreyfus," Sarah replied. The doctor nodded one last time as he turned and walked rapidly down the hall.
"OK, now that that's out of the way, let's go see the nerd," Carina teased. Sarah was more than happy to oblige her roommate's request, so she didn't even bother frowning at Red's choice of words. She tapped on the door as she opened it.
"Care for some company?" Sarah asked lightly. Chuck's answering smile, her special smile, warmed her from the top of her head to the tips of her toes before centering in her heart. She grinned back at him.
"Look who it is! My favorite person!" Chuck's smile morphed into the beginnings of one of his big Bartowski smiles. Sarah's own smile widened in response as she strode into the room followed by her roommates.
"Hey! What about us?" Amy chirped with a faux frown.
"And you brought along some chopped liver, too!" Chuck smirked and giggled, his eyes dancing.
"Damn, Curls," Zondra laughed, shaking her head.
"Nice," Amy pouted but couldn't keep a smile from sprouting on her face.
"I guess we deserved that," Carina groused. "Good one, Chuckles."
Sarah cackled at her friends' responses. Chuck had learned a thing or two in the past year. The other CATS shook their heads and began to laugh in earnest. Chuck and Sarah took the time, while the others were still laughing, to share a soft kiss.
Monday May 6 – Stanford Hospital ICU – just before 8:00am, nine days after Chuck's injury
Morgan arrived at Chuck's door alongside Cole Barker. When he'd explained what he was bringing to Chuck, the older man had readily agreed to allow him to visit with his friend before he began to work with Chuck for the first memory session that day. Cole knew that Chuck's roommate had been down in Los Angeles all weekend playing baseball and hadn't been there when he'd woken up on Saturday. He also knew that Morgan was Chuck's oldest and, at one point, only friend, so he had no intention of standing between the two of them spending some time together. Chuck's friendships were just as important as his efforts to lock away his troublesome memories. Cole was content to wait, although he would have liked it better if his wife, Gill, was with him, but she had opted to spend time with Mary and Stephen and would be coming by later when Chuck's parents paid their son a visit.
After knocking on the door, Morgan pushed it open quietly, afraid of disturbing Chuck if he was still asleep. "You awake in here, buddy?"
"Sure am, Morgs. Come on in," Chuck was sitting up in bed, still wired to all of the softly beeping machines surrounding him. "Pardon me if I don't get up." He gestured at his attachments.
"Dude," Morgan breathed, suddenly emotional. He carefully placed his burden down against the wall by the door; quickly walking over to Chuck's bedside. He wanted to give into the joy of seeing his friend awake and hug him, but he was afraid of dislodging any of the wires, so he settled for grasping Chuck's outstretched hand and giving him an awkward half-hug. "You're awake," he said, stating the obvious. They had, after all, been in contact the previous day. Otherwise, how would he have known what to bring with him from their dorm room? But Morgan's surging emotions didn't allow him to offer anything more cogent.
"I sure am, Morgs," Chuck grinned, but he rapidly grew emotional himself. "It's good to see you, buddy."
"The feeling's mutual, bro," Morgan squeezed Chuck's hand before letting go and wiping the dampness off on his jeans. "Sorry that I wasn't here when you first woke up." He shrugged. "You know, baseball and all that stuff."
"I get it, Morgs. No worries," Chuck nodded. "Besides, between my parents, Ellie and Devon, Sarah and the CATS … the others, it was like a circus in here. This morning is about the calmest it's been since I woke up the other day."
"I hear ya, dude," his bearded friend nodded sympathetically. He knew how much Chuck liked peace and quiet so he could concentrate. Usually. Feeling off-center and tongue-tied, Morgan looked around the room, smiling when he spied one of the posters on the wall. Jerking his thumb in that direction, he said, "Whatcha think of our poster selection?"
"Pretty cool. They do help when I wake up. Thanks," Chuck smiled and nodded, but then his smile faded. "Sarah warned me to be ready for some of the posters." He pointed his chin in the direction of The Phantom Menace poster. "I figured that I have you to thank for defiling my wall with that particular advertisement." Chuck attempted to glare at his old friend.
"Yup," Morgan beamed. "Sorry, not sorry. No way for you to think you woke up in the past with that poster on the wall," he chuckled.
"You've got that right," Chuck agreed. "I'd have hurled if I actually had anything in my stomach when I saw it."
"Still not sorry," Morgan snorted in amusement. Changing the subject, he continued, "Anyway, we went 2-1 against USC, taking the series from them. So, a good weekend. Better after we heard about you waking up."
"Yeah, I heard about it. My dad told me last night when he and Mom were over visiting with me. That's great."
"We lost yesterday, played flat, but we went 5-2 over the last seven games. Pretty good, overall."
"That puts us at 34-8 for the season so far, doesn't it?"
"Sure does. Graham was pretty happy. Hell, even Coach Casey stopped grimacing."
"Really?" Chuck was incredulous.
"Maybe for about ten seconds."
"I find that hard to believe."
"You're probably right," Morgan admitted. "Would you believe eight seconds?"
"Still sounds too long, but I'll let it go," Chuck snickered. Morgan joined in the inane giggling.
Chuck cleared his throat, "Did you bring the stuff I asked you?"
"Course. Who do you take me for?" Morgan huffed. When his recumbent friend gave him a pointed look, he shrugged then went over and picked up Chuck's backpack, bringing it back to the bed. "Everything you asked for is here. Your dopp kit, pajamas, tablet, laptop … just all of it."
"Cool. Thanks, Morgs. It'll be nice to shave and clean up a bit once they take all of this stuff off of me."
"When are they doing that?"
"Might be today. The doctors told me they were going to look at all of the readouts from the machines from over the weekend, since I woke up, when they come by on their rounds. If everything looks OK to them, they'll take all of the wires off of me. Allow me to eat solid food. I'll be able to get out of bed. Go to the bathroom by myself. You know, important stuff," he smiled sheepishly.
Morgan made a face, "If you say so, Chuck." He pointed at his friend's head. "What about that thing in your head?"
"I might hear something about that today, too. They'll have to schedule surgery to take that out, but Dr. Kurtz told me that it wasn't a big procedure."
"Won't that leave a hole in your head?"
"Dunno. Maybe," Chuck shrugged. "I'll have to ask what they do about that. I have no idea." Morgan looked over at the clock on Chuck's table.
"Shit," he exclaimed, moving toward the door. "I've got to get to class. Keep me posted about any developments."
"You got it, buddy. Talk to you later."
"Yeah, later. Glad you're awake, Chuck," Morgan looked back as he exited the room.
"Me too, buddy. Me too," Chuck said to the, now, empty room.
Monday May 6 – Stanford Hospital ICU – 6:40pm, nine days after Chuck's injury
Chuck was tired. He and Cole had worked really hard during their sessions over the course of the day. They agreed that they might be able to finish in the next day or two. That was a good thing considering … A woman's voice interrupted his thoughts.
"CHUCK!" He turned upon hearing the worried exclamation. Leaving the small bathroom and his bruised reflection in the mirror, he saw Sarah staring at his empty bed in shock.
"Sarah, I'm right here," Chuck said gently, hoping to calm his girlfriend down. She started at the sound of his voice, facing him with red eyes threatening to spill over.
"Chuck! Oh, my God!" Unthinking, she wrapped him in her arms and hugged him, reveling in the chance to hold him in her arms after so much time, even if he did feel skinnier after so long without solid food. After a couple of beats, she came back to herself and pushed him away from her by his shoulders. "Baby, they took your wires out! All of your tubes and stuff." Chuck smiled at the look of slow realization that spread across her beautiful face, followed by a relieved smile.
"Yeah, they did. Finally, except for my antennae, of course," Chuck sighed when she hugged him again, a little more gently, which seemed odd to him, but no matter. Pulling back enough to talk, she looked him in the eye.
"When?" Sarah asked, excitedly. She began to bounce on her toes. "Tell me everything!" When Chuck got a mischievous grin on his face, she scowled. "None of your smart aleck tricks, Chuck Bartowski. You behave and tell me about what happened today. Not everything since the beginning of time." She grinned, letting him know she wasn't really upset, but he took his scolding in the spirit it was meant and settled for telling her about his day.
"The doctors came by just before noon, like they promised on Saturday. They spent some time going over the printouts and other data. Apparently, they even talked to Cole and my mom at some point earlier today. After checking everything out and conferring for a while, they decided that it was OK to take out all of my tubes and wires," Chuck told her.
"How do you feel?" Sarah asked, rubbing her hands up and down his arms, enjoying touching him.
Chuck grinned and sighed. "It feels great to have all of that stuff off of me. It feels great to be able to get out of bed and walk around. I even took a shower! Carefully, don't worry! And shaved!"
"I can see that," Sarah grinned. "They let you do all of that on your own? After being in bed all week?"
"Well, they did assign an orderly to help me, at first. But I was able to get around pretty well on my own, so once I had showered, a nurse changed the dressing around my probe. They both left and I've been on my own since then. More or less."
"Chuckles! You've gone wi-fi." Carina walked into the room, Zondra and Amy trailing in her wake. All three women's faces broke into smiles upon seeing their friend up and about. And wireless. Chuck snorted at his friend's quip.
"That's me. A walking hotspot," he grinned.
"You can say that again," Sarah murmured. Chuck heard and gave her a funny look, but the CATS all laughed. The women took turns hugging him, surprisingly chaste.
"When did all of this happen?" Amy questioned, once the hugs were over.
"Right before lunch," Chuck said. "Well, getting all of the wires out, at least. I wasn't able to take a shower and shave until after I had my 12 o'clock session with Cole."
"And you changed," Carina observed. Chuck nodded. "I was hoping to have you model your stylish back-tie hospital gown for us."
"You just wanted to look at his ass," Zondra observed.
"True," the redhead admitted. Chuck's eyes grew wide at that statement. Sarah grinned, but decided to rescue her boyfriend.
"Did Morgan bring the stuff over from your room?" That was another thing they'd talked about the previous day.
"Yeah, I texted him yesterday evening what I needed, so he packed it all in my backpack and brought it over to me first thing this morning. They got back from LA too late for him to bring it by last night. I was hoping the doctors would decide to take out all of that junk and I'd be able to shower and shave and put on real pajamas. Turns out I was right."
They were all still standing in the middle of the room and Sarah wasn't sure if that was something Chuck was supposed to be doing or not.
"Is it OK for you to just be up and about? Or do you need to get back in bed?" Sarah asked, locking eyes with Carina, daring her to say anything.
"I'm fine, but I am a little tired," Chuck admitted, walking back and getting in bed. "Cole and I worked hard today." The CATS all found seats and pulled them up by the bed.
"How's that going, sweetie?" Sarah asked. She frowned at the gagging faces her friends were making.
"Pretty well. We might be done in the next day or so. Depends," Chuck shrugged.
"Depends on what, Curls?" Zondra asked.
"Depends on when they can schedule me to have the probe taken out," he pointed at his head. "It won't be tomorrow, but they'll let me know during their morning rounds if they were able to schedule it for Wednesday or if I have to wait longer."
"Oh, Chuck, that's wonderful," Sarah smiled. "I know you don't know the exact date, but it sounds like it's going to be sooner rather than later."
"Yeah, I guess," Chuck pouted. "That'll mean no more signals from the Millennium Falcon or the Starship Enterprise, though." All four women rolled their eyes.
"You're an idiot, " Sarah snorted a nasally laugh, looking at him affectionately all the while.
"Yeah, but I'm your idiot," Chuck grinned.
"Yes, you are," Sarah beamed. She reached out and squeezed his hand, not letting go, choosing to lace their fingers together.
"Gross," Carina grumped. Sarah ignored her auburn-haired roommate. Chuck couldn't hold in his giggles at his childish humor. After he settled down, the friends began to catch up.
Chuck asked about the goings on around campus and the suitemates took turns regaling him with stories from the past week. His eyes got huge and misty when they told him about the people outside holding a round-the-clock vigil for him while he was unconscious and how some people were still out there. The back-and-forth banter reminded everyone of their normal dinner table repartee. At some point, Amy suggested they sing a few of the songs from their competitions to entertain them all, kind of a reminder of when Chuck spent time studying in their practice room. Things progressed from there until they were sitting around his bed doing the Bartusi dance to the song they were softly singing. Chuck was having a great time.
"I gotta say, from the outside looking in, y'all kind of look like you're all doing the pee-pee dance sitting down," Chuck said sheepishly. The CATS all stared at him in disbelief.
"Chuuuck!" Sarah whined. "Why did you have to say that? Now I have to go!" She got up and moved toward the bathroom door.
"Damn it, Chuckles," Carina grumped as she stood as well.
"Curls, you ass!" Zondra growled, standing herself.
Chuck looked over at Amy. She just smiled. "Not me! I just went!" Her smile bubbled over into laughter. Despite himself, Chuck joined in.
Sarah shook her head at her boyfriend when she came back and sat down, but she twisted her mouth to the side trying to hide her mirth. Chuck's comment was funny even if it had triggered a response in his friends. Once Carina and Zondra were back, she spoke up.
"I'm going to ask you guys to wait outside. It's already past visiting hours and I expect one of the nurses is about due to come in here and shoo you out," Sarah said sweetly. "In fact, I'm sort of surprised that they haven't done that already."
"Maybe they were enjoying listening to y'all sing?" Chuck offered.
"Smart answer," Sarah responded, giving him one last semi-glare for his previous antics. He shrugged with just a hint of a ghost of a smile.
"You just want to whisper sweet nothings into his ear," Amy accused her.
"And kiss his face off," Zondra added.
"And hold him entirely too closely and in inappropriately unladylike ways," Carina concluded.
"The answer is yes to all of the above," Sarah admitted, standing up. "So, get out." She made a shooing gesture with her hands. "Chop. Chop. Move it. It's boyfriend and girlfriend time. So out!"
"Damn, girl!" Zondra drawled. Carina gave Sarah a salacious grin and laughed. Amy just giggled her way out of the room. When they were alone, Sarah turned to Chuck.
"You need to get back out of that bed or I'm getting in there with you," Sarah put a determined look on her face and took a step toward the bed.
"I'm getting up. I'm getting up!" Chuck scrambled out of the bed, confirmed his footing, and stood. Sarah opened her arms and they came together in another long-awaited wire-free hug. They both sighed in contentment.
"How's your head, Chuck?" Sarah asked, recalling their 'experiments' in the Fall.
"Just fine, Sarah. Thinking only about you," Chuck replied. She could hear the recognition and humor in his voice.
"Good," she said, reaching up and gently pulling him down for a soft kiss. When their lips touched it was electric. Their connection was there in full force. Maybe even more than before. Sarah opened her mouth when her tongue slipped out to meet his. The kiss deepened as their tongues gently caressed. She could feel herself responding to the kiss, to his touch on her body. And she could definitely feel him responding to her. When both of them moaned, she realized that they needed to dial it back. Although he hadn't said it in so many words, Dr. Dreyfus had made it clear to her that Chuck's episode had done a number on him. She worried that his fears about intimacy were still there and, possibly, even greater than before due to his injury and long episode. Reluctantly, she was going to break the kiss, but was surprised when Chuck pulled back before she could end it. She was just a little ashamed to admit to herself that his soft whimper, when their lips parted, pleased her to no end. Sarah took a breath and let it out slowly, trying to slow her racing pulse.
"I missed you so much," Chuck said.
"I could tell," Sarah grinned up at him. "I missed you, too. Just as much." My love, she thought to herself.
"I was so lost, Sarah," he caught her eyes in his abashed gaze. "I wasn't sure if I'd ever hold you in my arms again, for real. Or kiss you. For real. And I wanted to very much," Chuck said without shame or hesitation.
Sarah's heart flipped and began to pound harder in her chest. She was on very dangerous ground. She knew Chuck needed time, even if her body was saying now, Now, NOW. Let's focus on that. What Chuck needs. Without helping him now there might not be an 'us' anyway. Change the subject. Talking about Dr. Dreyfus should be safe. Right?
"Was it useful? Talking with Dr. Dreyfus, I mean," she asked, taking slow breaths in an attempt to rein herself in. They'd discussed the psychiatrist the previous day after Sarah had accosted the older man outside Chuck's room. He smiled in gratitude, accepting her changing the subject, knowing the reasons behind it.
"Yeah ... well, it will be, I guess. He's trying to help me with this guilt I've been carrying around ... well, forever, I guess. Since I was little. Guilt that I'm so much trouble to all the people I love," Chuck admitted.
"Oh, sweetie ...," Sarah began, thrown back on her heels by Chuck saying the word 'love' without any qualifiers or exclusions.
"No, no, no. It's OK. I know rationally that I shouldn't feel that way, but … well, that's what Dr. Dreyfus is for, right?" he shrugged.
"You do what you have to do. Take all of the time you need. You have a lot of people who want to help you in any way they can," Sarah said with all the sincerity she could put into the words. She slid her arms around him and hugged him to her. Chuck hugged her back. She could feel him sigh in her ear, his warm breath caressing her and she shivered. "And you have me," she said quietly.
"That's the most important thing of all," he whispered. Their arms tightened around each other. Sarah's heart swelled with love and hope. They stood like that for some time.
Wednesday May 8 – Stanford Hospital ICU – 3:30pm, eleven days after Chuck's injury
Chuck was back in his own room, still a little groggy after spending time in the recovery room from the surgery to remove his cranial monitor. The doctors had been able to secure a spot in the surgical schedule sooner than they had anticipated and had informed Chuck about the fortuitous news during their Tuesday rounds. Wednesday was the day. From that moment on, everyone's anxiety had built as the time for the procedure drew nearer. Would Chuck wake up in the recovery room, like normal, or would he fall back into an episode all over again?
When the surgical nurse came out to talk to Chuck's family and announced that he was awake, a collective sigh radiated out over the Stanford campus, as people let out the figurative breath they were holding for the curl deprived student. After the nurse, Melissa Lilliston, added that Chuck had been acting like a smart aleck and calling the recovery room staff names from the Wizard of Oz, the relieved sighs of the people gathered in the surgical waiting room turned into smirks and derisive snorts of laughter. Yup, Chuck was awake.
Now, he was back in his room, his hand firmly grasping his girlfriend's hand while she grinned at his, still recovering, attempts to hold a semi-coherent conversation. Stephen and Mary, along with the Barkers, were congregated at the door. Ellie and Devon were, as usual, in class, but the waiting lounge was, once again, full of people concerned for Chuck. The older adults ceased their hushed conversation when they caught sight of Chuck's trio of doctors coming down the hall. When they reached Chuck's room, they ushered the Bartowskis and the Barkers into the room. Chuck pouted when Sarah let go of his hand and went to stand next to his mother.
"How are you feeling, Chuck? Any pain?" Dr. Kurtz asked while he gave the young man a cursory inspection.
"Still a little woozy, Doctor, but it's getting better all of the time. No pain," Chuck reported.
"That's good. That's good. Let us know if that changes once the pain medications wear off," the neurosurgeon nodded. "We'll have the ICU nurses keep an eye on you, just in case, but I think things will be fine." Kurtz turned to the people gathered in the room and spoke loud enough for his words to reach the doorway where the CATS and other people from the lounge were listening.
"The procedure to remove the cranial monitor was a success. Fairly standard, but, given Chuck's rather unique situation, we were hyper-vigilant for any complications," the older doctor told Chuck's family. "I'm happy to say that Chuck handled the surgery like a real trooper. No complications."
"What did you do about the burr hole left over from the monitor?" Mary asked. "How did that part go?"
"Fine, just fine," Dr. Kurtz assured her. "As we discussed with you yesterday, we used a plug of polycaprolactone (PCL) mesh to fill the hole. It's made by a company called Osteopore. The mesh will act as a scaffold for bone to grow over the burr hole. Eventually, the hole will be completely closed and the mesh will be absorbed into the regenerated tissue."
"High tech!" Chuck chirped from his bed.
"We thought that you would appreciate that, Chuck," Kurtz smiled. There were chuckles around the room.
"What's the danger of infection? Or rejection?" Sarah wanted to know.
"Very little actually. The mesh is inert to the body's defenses and we engineered the mesh plug to the exact shape we required. It doesn't require any fixation by screws, so the risk of both infection or rejection is minimal. There haven't been any side effects with other patients we've used this technique on and I don't expect there to be any for Chuck, either."
"Like a polycaprolactone mesh rivet," Chuck mused.
"It's exactly like that, Chuck. Good analogy," the neurosurgeon concurred.
"How long will it take for the hole to fill? When can I get back to playing baseball?" Chuck asked. More than one person shook their heads, unsurprised at his eagerness and worried about it at the same time.
"The hole isn't all that large, so it shouldn't take too terribly long to fill. A few months, I would guess. We'll have to watch it to know for sure. As for baseball, don't forget that you also have a skull fracture that needs to heal. I want to be cautious about releasing you to get back on the ball field." Chuck frowned at what Dr. Kurtz was telling him.
"Can I work out, at least? Swim? Jog? I'm not used to sitting around like this."
"We'll have to figure that out, too, Chuck. Right now, I want you to relax and rest. Let your body do what it's trying to do. Heal."
"Fine," the reluctant patient groused. Quiet giggles came from a few listeners. "Can you at least tell me how long you're going to keep me cooped up in the hospital?" Sarah perked up at that question. She wanted to know that answer herself.
"I want you in ICU through Friday, at least. Maybe longer, though. It's possible that you'll need to stay through the weekend. Normal protocol for head injuries is to keep the patient in the ICU for the duration of their stay. It makes for easier observation and faster response if any complications develop. That's also why we've got you hooked up to the normal diagnostic monitors again. It's standard protocol for any surgery involving the brain," Kurtz answered. "We spared you having to be hooked up to the LTM (long-term electroencephalographic monitoring), at least." Chuck twisted his pursed lips to the side, but nodded his understanding and appreciation. "How long you have to stay 'cooped up' here depends on how your head is healing and how your memory work is going with Mr. Barker."
"We've got another day, maybe a day and a half left. At most," Cole said. "Would you agree, Chuck?"
"Yeah, about that long. Give or take," Chuck nodded.
"OK, that sounds good," Dr. Kurtz nodded. "But I don't want you to do anything until noon tomorrow, at the earliest. No memory sessions before then. Allow your body time to recover from all of the anesthetic and other chemicals from the surgery. You need your mind sharp for your technique, don't you?"
"Yes, he does," Cole replied.
"We'll check you out during rounds tomorrow. If everything looks good, and I expect it will, we'll give the go ahead for you to resume your work. OK?" Kurtz smiled, knowing his patient really had little choice but to agree.
"I guess," Chuck shrugged. "At least I'm on real food again. Although having to drag the monitoring stand into the bathroom with me is sort of a pain." Sarah gave him a look that said 'really'? His shrug was greeted by a few sympathetic chuckles.
"As long as you have your priorities straight, son," Mary smirked.
"What can I say? I'm still a growing boy," Chuck grinned, then he thought of something else. "What about my other sessions? The ones with Dr. Dreyfus?"
"I don't see why you can't meet with Leo as you have been." Kurtz looked at Dr. McSparren. "You have any objections, Clark?"
"Nope," Dr. McSparren shook his head.
"OK, I'll give Leo a call and let him know to come by tomorrow like normal. And we'll stop by during morning rounds, like I said. Until then eat, relax, and rest. Sleep. Heal." Dr. Kurtz patted Chuck on the shoulder before leading the other doctors from the room.
"I'd ask Scotty to beam me up, but without my antenna I have no way to contact him anymore," Chuck grumped.
"Oh, good grief," Mary snorted and shook her head at her son, giving him a faux frown.
"I'll see what I can rig up, Charles," Stephen stage whispered.
"You're not helping," Mary said, turning her attention from her son to shake her head at her husband.
"At least the kid gets it honestly," Carina snarked over by the door.
"Ha!" Mary laughed. Stephen smiled and shrugged. "On that note, let's all leave Chuck to rest and relax." She grinned as she shooed the adults from the room, winking at Sarah as she passed.
Sarah resumed her seat next to Chuck, taking his hand in hers. "I'll keep you company, sweetie."
"Does keeping me company involve hugging and kissing?" Chuck asked.
"What do you take me for?" Sarah glared, trying not to grin.
"A hugger and a kisser," Chuck shrugged.
"Well, I never!" Sarah exclaimed. Chuck gave her a flat look. "You think I'm a hugger and a kisser, do you?" Chuck nodded. "OK. Fine." Sarah wrapped her arms around herself, closed her eyes, and mimed exaggerated kissing motions with her lips, paying no attention to Chuck at all.
"That's just disturbing," Chuck snarked. "I don't even do anything like that!"
Sarah's eyes flew open in surprise at her boyfriend's comments, her face drawn up in mock affront. Chuck's carefree laughter warmed her heart and soothed her nonexistent ruffled feathers, she'd just been playing after all. She'd been hoping to get just this exact response from him. Soon, her laughter joined his. Neither one realized that Chuck was taking another step on his road to recovery.
Thursday May 9 – Stanford Hospital ICU – 9:15am, twelve days after Chuck's injury
Sarah was walking down the hall to Chuck's room, a little giddy with anticipation. Her first class, her senior psychology seminar, wasn't scheduled to start until later that morning at 10:30. She was going to spend some time with her boyfriend. After Dr. Kurtz's prohibition against Chuck working with Cole until after morning rounds, she didn't think he'd be occupied. Dr. Dreyfus had been coming to talk with him after his morning memory session and that usually lasted until 10:00 or later. All that meant that there shouldn't be a Cole or a Dreyfus in Chuck's room. The CATS and everyone else, as far as she knew, were busy with classes or projects. Check, check, and check. Nobody around and no distractions. Finally, she smiled to herself. Then she had a thought and almost lost a step. What about his parents? What if they were there? That wouldn't do. That wouldn't do, at all. Shit. Can't do anything about that. Oh well, might was well find out, she mentally pouted, trying to keep the related look off of her face. Instead, Sarah smiled and waved when she passed the nurses' station. She paid no attention to the knowing smiles directed her way, being entirely focused on seeing Chuck. Her Chuck. She tapped on his door but didn't get a response, so she grabbed the handle and pushed it open.
"Chuck? Are you awake in here, sweetie?" she asked with a soft smile on her face. Instead of an answer, she heard a low moan and some mumbled words that she couldn't quite make out. Walking further into the room, she could see that Chuck was definitely asleep and it looked like he was dreaming. And dreaming of something bad. He started to toss his head, toss his whole body, from side to side. Hurrying to his bedside, the words he was mumbling became clearer.
"No … no … I can't … stop … stop … please …," Chuck babbled. His agitation grew. It increased to the point that the alarm on the heart rate monitor went off. Frightened, Sarah grabbed Chuck's shoulder with one hand and his bicep with the other and began to gently shake him.
"Chuck! Chuck! Wake up! You're having a bad dream! Come on, baby! Wake up!" she pleaded. Dora Parker sprinted into the room and heard the young woman's pleas. Sarah turned to the nurse with anguished eyes. She was about to beg for help, when she felt Chuck shift under her hands and cough, then sniff, in confusion.
"Sarah?" he grated, bewildered. Another cough. "Can you hand me my water cup, please?" That last part was muffled when Sarah hugged him gently, but fiercely.
Sarah pulled back, sniffling and wiping her eyes, then she smiled. "Sure thing, sweetie," She picked up the cup and handed it to him. "Here you go."
"Thanks," Chuck rasped, taking a long drink. Ms. Parker nodded and went to check the machines on the monitoring stand. "What's going on? Why are you upset?"
"I came to visit and you were asleep. It sounded like you were having a bad dream," Sarah said, taking the cup from him and setting it back on the table, then clutching his hand. "You set off one of the monitors, so I got worried and tried to wake you up. That's when Nurse Parker came in and you finally opened your eyes."
Chuck thought for a minute. "Yeah, I was having a bad dream."
"Can you tell us about it, Chuck?" Dora wanted to know. She turned away from the monitors and began to perform standard vital signs checks on him.
"Yeah … yeah. I was … I was with you, Sarah, and … uh … no, that's not it. I was playing baseball. You were there watching. And … um … I was on second base for some reason," Chuck fumbled. "At least I think I was. That part is pretty fuzzy. Then a baseball was coming at me … um … like before and … and … then you were running toward me. I was yelling 'stop'. You were telling me to just run all the way home. That I'd be safe. But I couldn't … I couldn't move. I was terrified. For you. For me. It was getting dark … going black … Then, I woke up."
Sarah looked horrified at what she'd heard. It sounded to her like Chuck might have been getting ready to have another episode. She shared concerned looks with the nurse.
"Do you have a headache now, Chuck?" Nurse Parker asked. "Have you had one at any time since your surgery yesterday?"
"No, Ma'am. I don't have one now and I haven't had one since my surgery. I haven't had one for a long time," Chuck answered honestly.
"Was there anything else you remember about the dream, baby?" Sarah asked, squeezing his hand to reassure him and comfort herself. Their connection was as strong as ever, even in the face of his troubled mind. Chuck closed his eyes and pursed his lips in thought. She wanted to kiss those lips so badly right then, but he opened his eyes and gazed at her, a little awestruck.
"I felt you, Sarah," he said slowly, as if he were taking the time to confirm what he first thought or felt. "Right before I woke up. I felt you. Our connection. It drove away the darkness and calmed me down."
"Oh, Chuck …," Sarah breathed, unable to say more, overcome by the complete trust she saw in his warm brown eyes.
"That looks like my cue to exit the premises," Ms. Parker joked. "The monitors don't indicate a problem and your vitals look fine. So …"
"Is it against the ICU rules for me to snuggle with my boyfriend?" Sarah grinned.
"Yes. Absolutely. It's like Rule number one or something. There is to be no snuggling in the ICU," Dora intoned in a serious voice, but the twinkle in her eyes gave her away.
"Well, it's best if you do leave then, because I'm climbing onto that bed with my boyfriend and there's going to be a whole lot of illegal snuggling going on in very short order. You've got to go so you can honestly claim you knew nothing about any proscribed activities during your shift," Sarah announced, slipping off her shoes in preparation of following through with her stated intentions.
Dora Parker laughed, "OK. OK. I know when I'm not wanted." She continued to laugh after she left the room and walked down the hall.
Sarah climbed onto Chuck's bed and carefully snuggled under his arm, pressing herself against his side. She was surprised and then again, not, at how comfortable and content she felt lying there next to him. How right it felt. She sighed happily.
"I'm glad that you're OK, baby, and that your dream didn't bother you or upset you more than it did." Sarah draped her arm over his chest and squeezed gently.
"It's you, Sarah. Always you," Chuck whispered, cradling her with his arm. Sarah sighed again and pulled herself tighter against him. A flicker of realization, of understanding, began to grow in Chuck's mind. There was an answering beacon already alight in his heart.
Friday May 10 – Stanford Hospital ICU – 6:50pm, thirteen days after Chuck's injury
Ellie poked her head into Chuck's room. He was lying in bed looking at something on his tablet.
"Care for some company?" she said brightly.
"Heyyy! Ellie!" Chuck drawled grinning. Putting his tablet down on the bedside table, he waved her into the room. "Sure, come on in. I've always got time for my favorite sister." Ellie gave him a flat look.
"I'm your only sister, Chuck," she said.
"See? That's a good thing. That way you'll always be my favorite," he giggled at his own cleverness.
"Are you sure you're alright? No lingering side effects from having your head scrambled by that baseball?" Ellie teased.
"Just remember that being my only sister also makes you my least favorite sister," Chuck retorted, scrunching his face at her and sticking out his tongue.
"Same goes for you, too, buster," Ellie groused. She leaned over the bed and gave him a modified Ellie hug. That meant only hairline fractures in his bones and not completely crushed ones, for which he was grateful. He already had enough to get healed up as it was.
"How come you're alone? Where is everybody? Where's Sarah?" Ellie asked. She knew the answer already, because Carina had called earlier and invited her along for a girls' night out. Ellie would have loved to go out for some fun, but she figured that, with the CATS out on the town, it would be a perfect time for her to visit her brother and find out what he wanted to talk to her about. Privately. She thought she had a good idea what was going on, although she couldn't say for sure where Chuck was concerned. So, she'd given Carina a promise and asked for a raincheck.
"Well, the team is over across the bay playing at Berkeley, so Morgan is over there," Chuck reached up and scratched at the dressing covering his forehead, before his sister gently batted his hand away. "Sarah and the CATS are having a girls' night out. Dinner and a movie, I think. If they do what they told me they were planning to do. Don't ask me which movie. It'll either be some horror film or a romance."
"That's pretty sexist there, little brother," Ellie pretended to frown at him. "Why wouldn't they go see some big action film? Maybe one starring a kickass female star. Or, maybe, just maybe, they'll go see some hot muscle-bound stud exploding all over the place," she grinned, but it dimmed when Chuck didn't rise to her double entendre bait.
"Speaking of muscle-bound studs, where is Devon?" Chuck smirked, but he really was curious.
"He's out playing basketball with some of his friends. Don't change the subject. Mr. Sexist."
"I am not being sexist."
"Then why wouldn't Sarah and her friends go see an action movie? Girls can like that stuff, too, you know."
"I'm well aware," he acknowledged. "And it just so happens, Miss Smarty-pants, that the CATS were over here during the afternoon and told me about their plans for tonight. They literally told me that they were trying to decide which movie to go see and that it was between, and I quote, 'some horror film or a romance'. So there! Nyeh!" Chuck stuck his tongue out at his sister again, looking as smug as you can look with your tongue sticking out.
"I see," Ellie tried to look exasperated at her brother, but was secretly pleased he was alone and being so open and playful. Yet more ways Sarah had changed him.
"Yeah. Sarah was worried that I'd be upset if they went out tonight, but I made sure she knew that I wasn't upset at all. Far from it. They needed a break. All of them. With all of the Songbirds' singing competitions and the CATS trying to finish up with school, hitting the crunch time lately, getting ready to graduate, they needed some time to kick back and relax. And my getting hurt didn't help in that regard," he frowned.
"You're not feeling guilty about that are you, Chuck?" Ellie was worried.
"No. Not really," Chuck said. Ellie gave him a dubious look. "Well, not like I was when I woke up last Saturday, at least. Dr. Dreyfus is really helping me with all of that. You know, my feeling guilty about things that are out of my control."
"I'm glad, Chuck. Really." Ellie smiled and reached out and gave his arm a squeeze.
"I'm making progress. I have to," he shrugged.
"Why 'have to', Chuck? Why put that pressure on yourself?" Ellie questioned. She thought she knew the answer to her questions, but she wanted to hear him say it.
"I just do, that's all," Chuck said, trying to deflect his sister's queries. "But, enough about me, El. How're things with you? With Devon? How're your classes going?"
Ellie had never seen such a blatant attempt to change the subject in her entire life, but she wasn't going to call him on it. She would just be patient and bide her time. Sooner or later, Chuck would tell her what he wanted to talk to her about. Until then, she'd play along and do her best to set her brother at ease. He was on the cusp of a monumental change in his existence and she wasn't going to do anything to derail his journey to that destination.
"Classes? They're fine," the brunette shrugged. "Going as well as you'd expect. We're first years, so the teachers kind of bust our balls a lot of the time. Trying to test our resolve, if you know what I mean."
"Do they have weed-out classes in med school?" Chuck was a little confused. "I mean, isn't med school tough enough to get into in the first place? Why would they pile on weed-out classes on top of that?"
"No, not weed-out classes, as such," Ellie shook her head. "Not like those technical schools that allow almost anyone to apply and get accepted and then kill them with freshman calculus or physics or something." She thought for a minute. "No, it's more like they stress the gravity of what we're studying to become. The importance of being a doctor. The need to be careful and exact in everything we do. How we might be literally holding people's lives in our hands one day."
"It sounds intimidating as hell, Ellie," Chuck interjected, pressing his lips into a firm line and giving her a wide-eyed look.
"It is intimidating as hell, I won't lie," she agreed, but then she smiled. "But it's also exciting at the same time. They stress the importance of what doctors do and how things can go wrong if we screw up. I get all that, I do. Some students can't handle it. But I also see all of the good we'll be able to do. All of the people we can help." She spread her arms and looked around the room. "Case in point right here, Chuck."
"I hear you, Ellie, for sure," he nodded. "The doctors here. And the nurses. The technicians. Everyone. They're all wonderful. It's pretty amazing. Very humbling to witness it all. I knew about it intellectually before, of course, but needing it myself puts a whole other spin on it for me. I appreciated what you wanted to do. You and Devon. What Mom's been doing for her whole adult life. But it didn't hit home until now. Before all of this happened to me, I mostly resented the doctors with all of their questions and tests. But now …" Chuck hesitated before giving her a sincere smile. "I'm so proud of you. You and Devon, both. So proud that I could just burst. Anything you need me to do to help you reach your dream, let me know. I'm there."
"You sure about that, baby brother?" Ellie looked him over with a critical eye.
"Sure. Absolutely," Chuck nodded.
"OK, then," Ellie nodded once. "What I need from you is …"
"Yes?"
"I need for you to heal up and get the hell out of here, so I can concentrate on my studies, you big goof," she gave him a I-got-you-good grin. "Stop trying to kiss one hundred mile an hour baseballs and be more careful, so I don't have to worry about you so much. I have enough to worry about with school. And with Devon."
"Nice. Thanks for that, El," Chuck deadpanned. Ellie smirked in triumph. Then he grew serious. "Everything OK between you and Devon?"
"Sure. Why do you ask?"
"No reason. It's just that you said you worry about him."
"Of course, I do, Chuck. I care about him and want him to be happy. Want him to be successful in school, so he can become the doctor he wants to be. When he has troubles or is hurting, I worry about him," Ellie's voice softened as she spoke about her boyfriend. She noticed the pensive look on her brother's face.
"Do you love him, Ellie? Do you love Devon?" Chuck asked haltingly. "You can tell me to mind my own business, if you want."
Elle looked into her brother's eyes. This was it! She could feel it. This was why he wanted to talk to her in private. Oh my God. Oh my God, little brother! She used every ounce of her self-control to maintain her calm composure. It was time for her to answer his questions. Time to bring him more fully awake and into himself.
"I don't mind the question, at all, Chuck," Ellie allowed herself to sigh. "Yes, I do love Devon. With everything in me, I love him. Very much. I really think he's the one for me, Chuck. I'm not kidding even a little bit."
"Does he ever make you mad? Do y'all ever disagree or fight about stuff?"
"Sure, we do, Chuck. Yeah, he makes me mad sometimes. We fight. Well, argue would be a better word. We never ever hit each other. No way in hell do we do that, but we do disagree. Of course, we're only human. Even if we're extremely good looking, we're still human," she grinned. Chuck snorted out a one note laugh, shaking his head.
"Yeah, Captain Awesome and the Homecoming Queen," Chuck teased, ignoring the sharp glare his sister was giving him. Then he grew serious again. "How did you know that you were in love with Devon?"
There it was. Finally. Now it was time for Ellie to help guide her brother to what she already knew and he already felt in his heart.
"Chuck what's this all about?" Ellie asked, laying a gentle hand on his forearm. "Why the questions about me and Devon?" She saw her brother blush and look down in embarrassment. "Chuck, look at me." He didn't. "Chuck, please look at me." She squeezed his arm and gave it a little shake. His head came up and his eyes slowly met hers. "Are you in love with Sarah?" She said, barely above a whisper.
"I don't know, Ellie. I really don't," Chuck shrugged dejectedly. "That's why I was asking about what you felt for Devon. Asking how you knew you were in love with him."
Poor Chuck, she thought. Ellie's heart went out to her brother. It ached for him, both in happiness and sadness. She thought back over all of her own romantic history. Thought about every halting step she had taken from her first shy affections in grade school all the way up to her meeting Devon and falling deeply in love. Truly in love. A love she thought would last for the rest of her life. Then she looked at Chuck and realized he was going through all of those things at the same time. With the same girl. Not over a long span of years. Holy shit! How was he not just going completely bonkers right now? Her amazement at her brother's strength, strength that he didn't even realize he possessed, knocked her on her heels for a couple of beats. Chuck was treading water here, barely. A few minutes ago, he'd offered to help her any way he could. Here was a chance for her to help him. Maybe, if she could get him to answer some questions, fall back on his logical brain, she might be able to get him to connect the dots for himself. It was worth a shot. It was worth everything for Chuck. And for Sarah.
"Let me ask you some questions and we'll take it from there, OK?" Ellie smiled encouragingly.
"OK," he replied doubtfully.
"Do you like being with Sarah? Do you like being around her? Do you miss her when you aren't together?"
"God, Ellie," Chuck breathed. "Yes, I love being around her. Every second we're together is wonderful. Every second we're apart is terrible. I miss her like crazy."
"Like right now?"
"Right now. Yes. Absolutely," he nodded vigorously.
"Great," Ellie nodded herself. "Now the second question. Is she always in your thoughts?" Chuck looked at her like she was an idiot. "Don't look at me like that. I know about your brain and how you don't forget stuff. Your never-ending movie. What I'm asking is has she impacted that? Changed stuff in your head?"
"You know she has, El." He tilted his head and looked at her, then sighed, his eyes going slightly out of focus. "Yes, I think about her all of the time. Ever since I met her, I've got two movies in my head. I see the world around me, the normal world. Then I have the endless movie of my memories constantly cascading through my brain like I've always had." Ellie nodded and gave him a 'go on' hand wave. "And … I've got a new movie. A movie of just Sarah. Every moment we've spent together. Every thought. Every emotion. Every hug and … um … kiss. All of it. I see it all of the time. I can't forget her. In fact, I have to really work at focusing on my studies or playing baseball. Otherwise, all I'd think about was Sarah."
"Wow," Ellie breathed. She was feeling a little jealous of Sarah and wondered what her and Chuck's life was going to be like after this. "I have to ask, now, was she the reason you got hit by that baseball? Were you thinking about her and got distracted?"
"No, Ellie," Chuck shook his head. "That's not what happened. She's always on my mind. That's true, but when I'm playing baseball or working or doing anything that requires concentration to be safe, like driving, I can do it. It might sound silly, but it's like she wants me to be safe, so she sits by the sidelines in my head when I need her to." He shrugged one shoulder. "It sounded pretty strange to say it out loud, but it's what I feel on the inside." Ellie's eyes widened at his explanation, but she thought of another question.
"OK, let's move on," she thought for a minute. "If you had to choose between Sarah and baseball or Sarah and finishing up with school. If you couldn't do it all and had to choose only one of them, what would you choose?"
"Sarah. Always. Nothing else even comes close," he said emphatically. Ellie grinned at the speed of his answer. It was instantaneous. He didn't need to think about it at all. Three out of three. She was having a harder and harder time keeping herself under control.
"Can you picture your life without Sarah being part of it?"
"No! Absolutely not. Living without Sarah would mean going back to my life before Stanford and that is something that I never want to do," Chuck's firm answer gave way to another dreamy faraway look. "I can see us going places. Places I've been that I want to share with her. Places she's been that she wants to share with me. New places that neither one of us has been to before where we can experience them together for the first time and make those memories ours."
Ellie's own face softened when Chuck voiced his dreams. They were the same dreams she had for her and Devon. And that answered what would have been her next question, too, so he was now five for five.
"I know the answer to this, but I'm going to ask it anyway," she said. "Have you ever had any feelings for any other person like you feel for Sarah? Have you taken notice of any of the other pretty girls here at Stanford, the ones who notice you all of the time?" Chuck snorted in disbelief, just like she knew he would. He was so naïve and sweetly clueless about his attractiveness to women. Ellie reasoned that it was a good thing because most women wouldn't have been able to be what her brother needed. They would either have taken advantage of him or hurt him like the few girls he'd tried to date in the past. No, it took that chance meeting with Sarah to break him out of his shell. She was literally perfect for him. A true soulmate.
"No, Ellie," Chuck frowned. "I haven't looked at any other girls since I met Sarah. Well, to be honest, since before I met Sarah. The hurts in my past had made me pretty withdrawn as far as girls were concerned. When I got here, there was Jill Roberts who was pestering me, but all she saw in me was dollar signs. I'm inexperienced, but I'm not stupid," he laughed derisively. Ellie narrowed her eyes and growled a 'hmph' at the mention of that gold-digger. Six for six.
"OK, last question," Ellie looked into her brother's eyes. "Do you want to be with her? Physically, I mean. Be with Sarah in every way? More than holding hands, hugging, and kissing? I don't want details, just a yes or no." She definitely saw longing in his eyes, but fear clouded them quickly. This was his biggest issue. The highest hurdle he faced. His face reddened, not in embarrassment, but in shame. Ellie could see that he wanted Sarah but was afraid of what might happen.
"Ellie, I … ah … I -," Chuck stammered, he grimaced and his face was almost crimson.
"Chuck, it's all right. You don't have to tell me anything more. I understand," Ellie spoke as soothingly as she could, squeezing his arm to emphasize her words. Chuck gave her a determined look.
"I do want to be with Sarah, Ellie. I do. I want to be able to show her how I feel. I want her to be happy. I want the world for her. It's just that I'm …" he faltered, his voice trailing off.
"Would it have helped if I'd brought along the old 'A doctor talks to 9-12-year-olds' book?" Ellie said, trying to lighten the mood. When he barked out a laugh, she knew she'd made the right choice.
"Oh God. That book. I had to read that for health class and take a test on it," Chuck shook his head in memory and grinned ruefully.
"Me, too, Chuck. Me, too," Ellie giggled at their shared childhood embarrassment.
"Yeah, try doing it when you're seven," he pouted. She realized he wasn't trying to one up her or bring up their past conflicts. He was just pulling up his uncomfortable memory. "Some of those drawings scared the crap out of me back then."
"Ewww," Ellie giggled. When Chuck started to laugh, her giggles turned to laughter as she joined him. After a little while their laughter subsided. Ellie took a tissue from the box on the bedside table and dabbed at her eyes. When she saw the look of wonder, of awe, on Chuck's face, she stopped what she was doing and waited.
"All of those questions you were asking me, El … is that how you feel about Devon?" Chuck's yearning expression nearly undid her.
"Yes, it is," Ellie nodded.
"Even the … um … physical part?" Now he looked concerned and more than a little uncomfortable.
"Even that," she said matter-of-factly. "I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of loving Devon. I love my life with him. The life we're beginning to build together."
"I don't know if I can … ever be like that. With Sarah. Or anyone," he hung his head again. "I just don't."
"Don't worry about that part, Chuck," Ellie gently patted his arm. "All of this stuff is new for you. All of it. Let things work out as they will. Don't push things and don't worry about them either. It'll be alright, I promise."
"You sure?" His need for reassurance broke her heart.
"Absolutely," Ellie nodded, mustering a small smile. She remembered hearing about New Year's Eve when Chuck finally kissed Sarah. His concerns here were, maybe, more valid, but she was sure his total focus on Sarah was the key to their mutual happiness. And she was sure that he'd see it in time, too. She just wasn't sure when that would be. When she came back from her thoughts, she saw a question on her brother's face.
"Are all of these feelings I'm having love? Like the feelings you have for Devon? That's love?" His face brightened like a blind man who was seeing the sun for the very first time.
"Yes, you big dope. That's love," she replied through the happy tears now running down her cheeks.
"I'm in love with Sarah Walker!" he said quietly, in awe at the realization. To Ellie it sounded like the loudest shout she'd ever heard.
"Don't tell me. I've known it for months," she smiled through her tears, overjoyed to witness the love she saw on his face. In his eyes. Understanding what he felt in his heart and knew in his head were, finally, in sync. She knew that Sarah would know, too, the instant she saw him next.
"Wait. What? You have?" Chuck looked at her incredulously.
"Of course, Chuck. I've known."
"How?"
"Every time I saw you with her. Every time you looked at her. Every time you talked about her when you weren't together. The time you were apart over the holidays and going a little crazy. Like I was," she chuckled. "Every word. Every gesture. I could go into detail, but you remember everything, so think back on all of it. It's been there for a while and I saw it. It was obvious. Now, you've admitted it to yourself, so you know, too."
"I love Sarah Walker," he said, still amazed at his discovery. "I've got to tell her how I feel!" Chuck declared, his eyes shining in wonderous excitement. Shining with love.
"Yes, you do." She patted his arm before getting up and heading for the door. Opening it, she stopped and looked back at her newly enlightened brother. Happy for him. Almost beyond words. Almost.
"Word of advice."
"Yeah?"
"When you do tell her how you feel, make sure you're wearing something other than that racing swim suit of yours. You might not survive, otherwise. Just a suggestion," she smirked as the door closed behind her. Ellie was proud of herself for somehow containing her squeal of joy for her brother until she got back to her apartment.
And just like that, Chuck took the biggest step in his life, up to that point, without ever getting out of bed.
A/N2: Chapter title comes from the song by The Beatles. The lyrics sum up where Chuck is right now. He can't hide his feelings for Sarah from himself any longer.
A/N3: Dopp kit is a term particularly in use in the US for toiletry bags. The name derives from the early 20th century leather craftsman Charles Doppelt, whose company designed the case in 1926. Toiletry kits had been issued by the US military services during World War I, becoming a standard possession for many men from that point onward.
A/N4: Did anyone catch the very vague Get Smart (old TV show, not new-ish movie) reference?
A/N5: Osteopore is a real company that makes various types of polycaprolactone meshes used to aid in bone and tissue regrowth for injuries. Pretty interesting. Much better than the older choices of leaving the holes open (under the skin), bone grafts taken from elsewhere on the body, or titanium plates screwed over the holes.
A/N6: WillieGarvin has my thanks, like always. He helps me craft a story that y'all are interested in reading and has done so for a very long time. Thank you, my friend, for your continued support and encouragement.
A/N7: Thank you for reading. Please drop me a PM or leave a review. Let me know what you think. For those of you who have left reviews or PMs previously, thank you. I appreciate each and every one of them. Thank you to everyone who's followed or favorited this story, too. Your support means a lot to me.
A/N8: If you enjoy Chuck fan fiction here on the fanfic site, go over to Facebook and join the Chuck Fanfiction group that's there. You'll find nice folks who share your interest in our favorite spy couple. You are not alone.