141.

The only moving Ed had done during the night was to roll from his side to his back. The arm that had been looped around Olivia was now turned up at the elbow in a right angle, his hand wedged under a pillow he wasn't using. Olivia lifted the sheet and admired the contours of his body. Even in the near-darkness, she could make out the ridges and outlines of his calves. Her eyes traveled up his body, and she saw the three scrapes on the side of his knee, an injury sustained while roughhousing with the kids. His bunched-up boxer shorts allowed a view of thick, firm thighs. Three weeks ago, Ed added more lunges and wall-sits to his workout and it showed. There was an inch or two of his abdomen visible between boxers' waistband and the white t-shirt he was wearing. It always amazed Olivia how his skin kept its golden, summery hue throughout the winter. Was she objectifying him? Maybe a little bit, but admiring her husband's physique certainly couldn't have been wrong, especially since the workouts were partially for her. Ed liked to impress her, he thrived on it, so Olivia had no qualms about staring at his biceps popping out from the sleeves or the way his lower lip fluttered ever so slightly when he exhaled.

An urgent, carnal need caused her to shudder. Belly tingling, she kissed him first behind the ear, then on the cheek, and, finally his lips. She slid on top and whispered in his ear until he half-opened his eyes, smiled, and rubbed her back with both hands. A few minutes later, he used his elbows to prop himself against the headboard just enough to get the angle right. Olivia's hair was tangled and wild and he got lost in it. Dawn broke to the soundtrack of their moans.

"Olivia." Ed pronounced her name slowly, careful to enunciate each syllable. He could feel her breath on his chest and never wanted to come out from under her body. She was so smooth, warm, and, best of all, intensely attracted to him.

"Mmm," she intoned, "I want to stay like this all day."

"You're readin' my mind."

"The twins are going to preschool in the fall," Olivia said, "A whole morning, five days a week, just the two of us."

Ed stuck his lips out to kiss her forehead. "Gotta admit, I'm surprised to hear you lookin' forward to that."

"Trade-offs, I suppose," Olivia murmured. "I'll always miss them being babies, but I do love watching them grow up, become their own little people-"

"-with big personalities-"

"Right. So," Olivia traced the curve of his shoulder, "If they must grow up..."

"It's only a half day."

"Mommy and Daddy time for a few hours."

Ed grinned. "I've always loved preschool."

…..

When Angela was not yet home at ten o'clock, Ed tried to talk himself into not being annoyed. There were dozens of times he'd worked late on a case and either lost track of time or been in a situation where he couldn't provide hourly status updates. It was the nature of the job. Angela was in finance. He couldn't imagine a scenario in which she couldn't spare a minute to pick up the phone. When she finally showed up and eventually came to bed, he pretended to be asleep. The next morning, Saturday, she dawdled next to him. Ed rolled over onto his back and sat up. He sensed whatever plans she had churning through her mind was going to further the rift that was developing between them.

"Morning," he said as casually as possible.

"Good morning," Angela replied, crisply pronouncing every syllable. Despite the formal nature of the greeting, she sounded cheerful. "Sorry I was so late yesterday. I went out to Long Island on a whim and saw some houses."

Ed repeated a few of her words, "You went...on a whim...to look at...houses?" He saw her literally digging in her heels, right there on the mattress, and defiantly peering at him. Ed stood up. "I need some coffee." He didn't bother asking Angela if she wanted anything. In the kitchen, he stared at the coffee drip from the filter and fill the carafe and resigned himself to acknowledge the end of the marriage. It was over. All he would ask of her would be to make it as painless as possible for the girls. He would fight only for their best interests.

Angela was still sitting up in bed when he returned. "It was a last-minute thing," she said, "Dave, one of the partners in my firm, he lives out there and knows a great agent. They had lunch together in the city yesterday and we bumped into each other-"

The explanation continued for a few more sentences, but Ed tuned out. If there was any doubt in his mind about the odds of salvaging their marriage, those doubts were gone, obliterated by several factors, but finished off by Angela's ridiculous high-brow form of speaking. In the city? Goddamn, she was in the city! Why was she speaking as if she were already out on Long Island looking in? More than anything, this new vernacular aggravated him.

"I think we need to start having a different conversation," Ed replied after she finally stopped talking.

Angela pressed her lips into a straight line and nodded.

"Do you want to be married to be anymore?" Ed asked.

Not expecting such a direct, raw question, Angela blinked rapidly. "We've been leading separate lives," she said, "For a while now."

"You didn't answer the question."

Angela didn't fidget. She sat there, stoic, with her palms face down at her sides. "The answer is, Ed, I know now I can function without being married. I don't see how I can pursue my career on my terms and also support your career."

"People do it all the time. Just tell me the truth." He wasn't protesting; he wanted her to say what they both knew. He wanted her to say it first.

Angela took a deep breath and sighed. "We don't love each other, Ed. We're going through motions. We've been very skilled at it, too. I cannot spend my days spreading my wings and then come home to be confined. You may not see it, but I do. It is how I feel. And I will not apologize."

Ed had overheard many colleagues gripe about various stages of their divorces, but he couldn't recall anyone mentioning a spouse comparing herself or himself to a fucking caged bird. There were several instances of "we grew apart", stories of changing temperaments, constant arguments, and cheating spouses-wait-was that a factor here? Dave. Dave the Partner. Dave who she described as a mentor. Dave. Dave. Dave.

"Is there someone else?" Ed could have phrased the question differently to give her less of an opportunity to lie, but, for all Angela's faults, her switch from grinding CPA to high-powered finance executive brought along with it no-holds-barred transparency.

"I want the possibility of someone else," Angela replied. "And you should want that, too."

Ed's blood boiled. She was toying with him, and he didn't deserve it. He'd been a loyal husband and a good father. Anything they needed, he was always at the ready to provide without asking for anything in return. He didn't expect anything in return-that was the deal you made when you were family. Families were a team and didn't operate on some arbitrary, favor-exchange system.

Angela seemed to have forgotten he'd even been a part of her life.

"You never let me love you," Ed said in an eerily calm voice.

Unmoved, Angela replied, "I hope you find that person."

Ed glared at her. "I promised the girls a movie today," he said, "Afterwards, we should tell them. I'll find someplace-"

"-No," Angela held up a hand, "I have a place to stay. I'll go."

Of course she would.

"Fine," Ed muttered. "And later, I don't want to lie to them or mislead them. And you're gonna have to think about how you're going to react when they refuse to move."

Angela shot lasers back at him. "They're children," she said, "They don't get to refuse."

….

The day after Ed testified, the grand jury handed down indictments against Gary Wald on multiple counts. Members of the District Attorney's office took to the courthouse steps and triumphantly vowed to see the case through to its bitter end. Sonny let it slip to Olivia that Hadid was confident Wald's attorneys would seriously entertain a plea deal, though there was no telling whether or not Gary himself would accept the terms. The vote had been unanimous, and, by the time the final witness spoke, the jury members were visibly outraged. Olivia remembered how Ed characterized them as generally unemotional, and she wondered if a witness had delivered one specific smoking gun or if the sheer volume and clarity of evidence was simply too powerful to ignore.

They were cleaning up the twins' lunch plates when the news alerts arrived. Olivia watched Ed's reaction with an eagle eye. He solemnly nodded at the words. Seconds later, his phone rang and he took the call in the bedroom. After, Olivia learned Rollins was the caller and she relayed the same information Carisi had already provided. Ed remained skeptical of a plea deal, but he hugged Olivia and sighed deeply into her neck.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"For what, honey?"

"For bein' so strong. For standing by me."

Olivia pecked at his lips. "I will always stand by you. I'll always be strong for you. That's the deal, remember? I love you."

Ed closed his eyes to stop himself from crying. "I love you too," he croaked.

The indictment was a major story and occupied most of the media channels in the ensuing hours, but it was quickly forgotten at the Tucker home. While the twins napped, Olivia caught up on her email and planned to write a few hundred words of her new book. Progress was slow, but when she sat down and focused, she was pleased with the results. However, an email from Noah's teacher put work on hold.

"Ed," she called from the table, "Come here."

Part of the students' return to school included more Social Emotional Learning sessions which were led by the school's counselor and a contracted child psychologist. Families were notified of the sessions, but Olivia hadn't been aware they included one-on-one, semi-private conversations with each student. While she debated in her mind if she considered this an overstep, Ed seethed. If they wanted Noah in therapy, they would have taken it upon themselves to seek out services, he argued.

"Isn't that illegal? Unethical? Something?" He asked.

"I don't know school law all that well," Olivia said, "But I guess not? Did we misread the letter?"

"Maybe," Ed murmured.

At any rate, the psychologist expressed concern when Noah mentioned being worried about his parents. The teacher described the exact story Noah had told Sarah and Justin the day before. Mommy was worried about Daddy. However, Sarah had forgotten to tell Ed and Olivia, so this brand new information to them.

"Does she want us to come in?"

"No," Olivia replied, "She attached a PDF, as if we don't know how to talk to our son, and wanted to make us aware. I'll pick him up today. I'm sure he heard me on the phone, but, he has to understand that it's okay to talk to us no matter what. A seven-year-old shouldn't be stopping himself from talking to his parents because he's worried about us being more worried."

"Poor kid," Ed mumbled, "He's been carryin' this around?"

"Breaks my heart," Olivia replied.

"On the plus side, no one will ever accuse him of being insensitive?"

Olivia chuckled and nodded. "Right you are, Captain Tucker."

…

Maggie bounded down the stairs, her ponytail bouncing along with her steps, and loudly proclaimed, "It's DAD DAY!" Thirty minutes earlier, Olivia, Carmen, Brooke, and Sarah departed for a day of shopping in the quaint towns along the coast. The younger girls were invited, but Maggie weighed her options and decided her time was best spent playing mini golf, racing go-karts, and eating ice cream on the boardwalk. When she opted to stay home, Sofia followed suit.

Down below, everyone else was hanging out around the kitchen table, waiting for her. Barely into double digits, Maggie paid close attention to the outfits she chose and how her hair was styled, and she was spending longer and longer in front of the mirror before leaving the house. Although Olivia made sure to pay close attention so she could intervene if Maggie showed signs of problems with body image, her daughter's preening mostly amused her. She loved how Maggie valued her opinions and indulged her passion for different flavored lip balms, hair ties, and funky bracelets. Ed, on the other hand, accepted the stage with reluctance, for it was around this time in their lives when his bond with Brooke and Sarah started to slacken.

Upon joining the others, Maggie hugged Sonny around the neck. He arrived late the night before, a day earlier than expected, and was showing signs of weariness, but there was no way he was going to stay at the house and miss the fun. Besides, Justin and Ed needed the extra hands. After nearly choking Sonny, Maggie sidled up to her Dad, hugged one of his arms, and listened to the final plans. They were going to an amusement park seven miles south and would definitely need two vehicles. Justin double-checked JJ's bag and loaded the stroller and they divided themselves amongst the two cars.

"Can I take a drink, Daddy?" Maggie asked.

Ed played with her ponytail and nodded. She skipped to the refrigerator and chose a Snapple. Even on the quickest errands, Maggie had a habit of taking a bottle of water or other beverage with her. Ed and Olivia joked that, at some point, she must have been desperately thirsty and since vowed to always have a drink at the ready. They loved all the little quirks their children had, and they were especially charmed at Maggie's habit of always asking permission even though she knew her parents would say yes.

"Let's head out," Ed grabbed his keys and made sure the back doors were locked.

"I'm sitting in front," Wyatt said. "It's my turn."

"Okay, but I'm first in line at Go-Karts and I get the baby blue ball in mini golf," Maggie said.

Noah and Ed exchanged knowing eye rolls and grinned. This was the extent of the twins' disagreements. Even when at odds, they were so nice and kind to one another the exchanges were almost corny. "You can ride with me on the go karts, Sof," Noah offered. Sofia wasn't quite tall enough to drive her own car yet.

"Okay," she replied in a soft voice, biting her lip.

"I won't go too fast."

"Okay," she said again. On the way out of the house she stood straighter and whispered to him, "You can go fast if you want so we can win."

Noah grinned. "Tell me if you want me to go slower."

"Thanks," she smiled and climbed into the back of the SUV.

In the front seat, Wyatt punched in the address on his phone. "Eleven minutes," he said.

"Let's go," Maggie urged, "So we can be first."

Sofia snapped her seatbelt into place and wondered if there was any part of the Tuckers' lives that didn't involve friendly competition.

…..

Olivia carried Noah's backpack so he could practice tossing two rubber balls in the air and catching them as he walked. The PE teacher, in an effort to find activities that didn't require sharing of items or kids touching one another, decided to teach the kids how to juggle. They were starting simple and would toss in the third ball in the coming days. Cognizant of the potential for the balls to careen into the street, Noah didn't throw them very high and waited until they were in the park to fully engage in the activity. He concentrated hard and propelled the spaldeen-like orbs higher and higher until the practice became a one-man game of fetch.

"C'mere, sweet boy," Olivia patted the bench, "Come sit with me for a few minutes."

Noah cheerfully complied and swung his legs back and forth as he took in the scene of others enjoying the sunny early spring afternoon. His eyes tracked cyclists until they zoomed out of view. One family was flying a kite and he giggled when it swooped downward and crashed. A trio of teenagers played catch and Noah mentioned how he wanted to play baseball instead of soccer but would still keep his soccer gear in case he joined a team in the fall.

Olivia told him she agreed with the very smart plan. Noah batted his eyelashes and smiled. He was so precious and looked so innocent; it was a shame she had to bring up a gloomy topic.

"Honey, your teacher told me you talked with Miss Foley this morning."

"Uh-huh, and her friend!"

"Yes, her friend-"

"Natalie."

"Natalie, yes," Olivia remembered the name and the picture of her smiling face. It was included on the PDF. "They mentioned you were worried about Daddy and me."

"Cause you said you were worried 'bout Daddy! On da phone!" Noah quickly became agitated and kicked his legs more rapidly. "And Miss Foley said it was good to say if you were worried—that means you're kinda scared—so I said I was!"

Olivia put her arm around him and held him close. "Honey that's okay. I'm glad you told Miss Foley you were worried. You're not in trouble." She rocked Noah and nuzzled his head. "It's okay to be worried. And, worrying doesn't always mean you're scared. It means lots of things. Like, you're thinking about something or someone a lot because you love them. So, when I said I was worried about Daddy, it really meant that I love him so much and wanted him to be okay when he had to talk in court."

"Why'd he have to talk in court?"

"When he was police, he knew someone who did bad things, so Daddy told the police about it and now he told the lawyers in court." Noah's forehead crinkled, and Olivia could tell he couldn't quite understand why this would cause any angst. "I was worried because Daddy felt sad about what the man did, and I don't like it when Daddy's sad."

"Daddy still sad?"

"A little," Olivia said, "But he feels better now. Your teacher was right, it's good to talk about things that bother us. And it was good for Daddy to talk about it." She gave Noah another tight squeeze, "And, when you're worried or scared or you can't stop thinking about something, it's okay for you to talk to me or Daddy. Even if you think we're scared, too."

Noah sniffled.

"Oh, honey," Olivia lifted him into her lap, "It's been hard, lately, huh?"

He nodded.

"Sometimes there are hard things and bad things happen," she said, "But you are so lucky, Noah. You have so many people who love you and who will do anything to keep you safe and happy. So, when it's hard and you see bad things, always know you have your Mommy and Daddy and everyone else to talk to and to hug and to help you feel happy again." She felt Noah's breathing even out and wiped a few undried tears from his cheeks. "I love you so much, sweet boy," she cooed.

"I love you, Mommy," he replied sweetly.

"What would you like to do tonight? Let's have some fun, okay?"

"Kay," Noah broke into a grin. "I gotta think 'bout it."

Olivia laughed, "Absolutely. You think about it."

"Mommy?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you good at juggling?"

Again, Olivia laughed, but this time, with an air of irony. Of course she was good at juggling-twins, a husband, a first-grader, writing a book, mothering adult daughters, keeping in touch with Caroline-she had years of life-juggling experience.

"I think I'm pretty good," Olivia replied. "But I've had a lot of practice."

"I'm gonna get good, too," Noah declared.

"Are you going to practice a little more before we go home?"

"Yeah," he said, "Cause I don't think I can practice with those babies runnin' around!"

Olivia grinned. "I think you're right."

"Miss Grady said a good way to practice is to jus' play catch," Noah said, "But we c'only play with our family, so, wanna play?"

"You bet I do," Olivia said, "Let's go over there to the grass where we have more room."

Olivia and Noah tossed the balls back and forth until the sun started to set and the temperature dropped. On the way home, he half-skipped and thought aloud about how they should spend their evening. Noah's resilience continued to amaze her. This wasn't the first time he'd gone from upset to his usual, cheerful self in a matter of minutes. She hoped the transformation was genuine. Had she missed something? Had she asked the right questions? Did she give him the right answers?

At their building, the doorman greeted them with a smile and a hearty hello.

"Hi, Jimmy!" Noah said.

"Welcome home," Jimmy said, "Have a good day?"

"Yup! I'm learnin' to juggle!"

"Oh? Joinin' the circus are ya?"

Noah giggled, "No, it's for PE!"

"Ah, I see," Jimmy winked at Olivia, "You'll have to show me your skills sometime."

"I will!" Noah hit the elevator button with his elbow and waved, "See ya later!"

The doors closed and Noah made silly faces at his reflection in the stainless steel. Olivia laughed at his antics and watched the numbers climb on the digital display. When the doors reopened on their floor, she could immediately hear the twins' voices. Were they too loud or was her ability to hear her children incredibly keen?

Either way, she was glad to be home.

….

#Tuckson