"What the hell are you doing here?"

Lexi flashed a glance over her shoulder; it wasn't a rough voice. It carried no intimidation. In fact, if anything, it was a tired voice – one that cracked around the edges, sounding like it needed a break.

Perhaps more importantly, though, it was a voice Lexi knew well. Too well, she often thought to herself. So, simply encountering the voice didn't unsettle Lexi. What did unsettle her was encountering it while leaving Fez's house at one o'clock in the morning. By most accounts, there was a conversation to be had – a conversation which needed to be had – about that little fact, including what lead up to it, but Lexi had been skirting around the discussion for a while.

She let out a sigh and turned on her heel. "I…don't know what you mean." A stab at prolonging the inevitable.

"You don't know what I mean?" Rue pushed herself off the wall opposite of Fezco's front gate and stepped into the ray of a spotlight. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion, searching Lexi's face for some semblance of an answer.

"Nope," Lexi answered, "not a clue."

"Alright," Rue said, playing along, "then let's say, hypothetically, I ran into you as you were leaving Fezco's very early in the morning after being there for hours. What do you think could be an explanation for that?"

Lexi chewed on her lip as she considered a response, but then something occurred to her. "Did you follow me here?" she demanded.

"What?" Rue scoffed. "Why would I follow you here?"

"How else would you have known I've been here for hours?"

"Ah, fuck," Rue slapped a hand to her forehead as she realized she'd let too much slip. "I just…I mean…lucky guess?"

"Rue."

There existed a long list of things Rue was unsure about in her life, but one thing she was absolutely certain of was that no one said her name like Lexi did. It never came out in a breath of anger or disappointment, even though it frequently should have. When Lexi said Rue's name it was always searching, as if those three quick letters held the potential to give her what she needed or wanted to know in a moment. Rue was all too aware she took it for granted time and time again.

This was not going to be another one of those times.

"Okay," Rue yielded after a moment, "Fez has been ignoring me when I come to the front door these days, so I decided to bypass that all together tonight. He leaves one of the windows in his grandma's room open for her; I wedged my way in there and was halfway down the hall when I heard your voice." Rue wrung her hands together nervously. She wasn't sure if the nerves were due to explicitly admitting to sneaking into Fez's or because, in retrospect, the whole thing felt like some sort of unintentional encroachment on Lexi's privacy.

"You broke into Fez's house?" Lexi asked. She tilted her head to the side.

"Well, technically, I didn't break anything," Rue pointed out with a wry grin, and she would've sworn a smile flickered across Lexi's lips.

"You entered Fez's house through a window," Lexi said deliberately, "and then you quickly left the same way?"

"Yup," Rue confirmed with a nod.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

Lexi had to think about her own question for a second. "Why did you come here?" she wondered. Then, almost as an afterthought, she tacked on, "And why did you leave?"

To buy time, Rue slowly unzipped her sweatshirt and shoved her hands in her pockets. "I needed to get something from Fez," she muttered. A pang of guilt hit her because she knew Lexi would be able to easily infer what she had really come for.

"Why'd you leave?" Lexi repeated her second question, deciding not to comment on Rue's motivations yet.

"I didn't want to interrupt," Rue said. That was true – eavesdropping on Lexi and Fez and hearing them talk to each other like they were actual friends came as a shock to Rue's system, so much so that for a fleeting moment, she had forgotten about the drugs she thought she wanted. It was also enough to send her back out the window through which she climbed only minutes prior. She posted herself up outside of Fez's front gate afterwards, mostly due to not having anywhere else to go, but also because she was curious about the situation.

"You wouldn't have interrupted," Lexi answered softly. "Well, I suppose you would have literally been interrupting, but it would've been okay."

Rue nodded in acknowledgement, and a second later, realization dawned on her. "You redirected this fucking conversation so it was about what I was doing and not you."

"I have a lot of practice of with deflection," Lexi said with a shrug.

"That's—" Rue could conjure up quite a few words that would describe Lexi's sentiment: unfortunate, tragic, just downright sad. She didn't think it was the right circumstances to take a deep dive into analyzing that; instead, she settled on, "I didn't even realize you and Fez were on speaking terms."

It wasn't that Rue had an aversion to the two being friendly, but she had firsthand experience with the type of people who frequently came through Fez's living room: the ones with loaded weapons and bags containing brand new experimental drugs, whose intentions and goings-on were the textbook definition of sketchy. The thought of Lexi Howard in that world didn't sit well with Rue. And if she were being honest, it filled her with fear on behalf of her friend.

"We kind of hung out on New Year's," Lexi explained. She crossed her arms to shield herself from the cold. She hadn't planned on staying so long, and the night/early morning air had chilled considerably.

"New Year's?" Rue asked in slight confusion. "Where? At the party?"

"Yeah," Lexi replied. "I mean, if you consider sitting on a couch in the middle of a crowded room while discussing the pagan origins of Christmas 'hanging out', then yes, we hung out at the party."

"Got it," Rue said for lack of a more elaborate answer. She saw a chill sweep through Lexi and took her sweatshirt off to hand over. "Here," she said as she offered it, "you look like you're freezing."

"No, I'm good, I'm—"

Rue rolled her eyes. "Don't be ridiculous, Lexi, just take it."

"Thank you," Lexi murmured. She pulled the sweatshirt on and zipped it up. It was big on her, with the sleeves swallowing her arms, but it proved to be a help against the cold immediately. "You're gonna be the freezing one now, though."

"Nah, I'll be fine."

For the first time that night, Lexi really took in Rue's appearance. There were bags under her eyes and Rue looked like she hadn't seen sleep in days. Her hair had been tossed up in a messy bun at some point, and the faded green tie-dye t-shirt Rue wore was littered with holes; Lexi recognized it as the shirt Rue won playing a game at the town carnival the summer before high school.

"When was the last time you slept?" Lexi inquired.

"I'm not high," Rue said quickly. That was also true – for the past few days, she had managed to keep a distance from any and all drugs that harbored a distinction of tempting her. It was an excruciating process, resulting in Rue feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. She had thought about bringing the early-stage-recovery to an end by going to Fez's, but perhaps Lexi's presence there was a saving grace.

"I didn't say you were." Lexi's gaze was nothing but curious. Even after everything Rue had done and said – or failed to do and say – to her, Lexi never automatically assumed the worst.

"I…" Rue started, "I know. Sorry. That's what people typically assume these days." She shuffled in place. "I've been clean since…that night."

That night. That night with the actual trespassing and running from authorities and stealing pills from Suze Howard's medicine cabinet. That night where she imploded any kind of friendship that had been between Cassie and Maddy. Everyone knew what that night meant.

"That's awesome, Rue," Lexi said with a tentative smile.

"Yeah, thanks. Thank you."

"Rue?" This time her name came out of Lexi's mouth as a question.

"Yeah?"

Lexi struggled with how to deliver her query in a diplomatic manner. "You said you haven't used since that night, and I believe you and I'm proud of you, but…" she took a deep breath before finishing, "you also said you came to Fez's tonight because you 'needed' something."

It was the exact paradox Rue had struggled with on her way over: being clean for the longest time since coming out of rehab yet feeling like the mental and emotional toll of staying clean was enough to drag her back into using. She knew it came with the territory of being an addict, but that didn't mean she wasn't prone to attempting to grapple with such a condition.

"Yeah," Rue admitted eventually. "Like, I guess…I came here because I knew Fez would say no to giving me drugs. He's good like that, believe it or not. And I thought, after, I would either steal some from him and relapse or I'd get annoyed with him and go home to throw a tantrum."

"You were…testing yourself?" Lexi asked uncertainly. She wanted to understand; what she wanted to avoid was being too overt so that Rue wouldn't shut down and subsequently shut Lexi out as she so often did.

"I guess, yeah," Rue said. "I seriously could not tell you which direction I would've leaned. I think it may have been a good thing you were here tonight, to be honest."

"Well then, you're welcome," Lexi responded with a smile.

There was a lapse of exchanges for a minute. Both girls shifted their weight between their feet; neither of them could exactly pick out the last time they talked at length when it was only the two of them. Moms, sisters, friends, classmates –these days there seemed to always be a third-party present when Lexi and Rue saw each other.

"I should—" Lexi began.

"It's getting—" Rue said at the same time.

"Sorry," Lexi said, "what were you saying?"

Rue shook her head. "I was just gonna say, you know, if you, like, were headed home…I, live in, like, the same direction, so…" It shouldn't have been a difficult statement, but Rue struggled in stringing coherent words together.

Lexi did not suffer from the same affliction. "Yeah, Rue. Let's go."

They started the trek towards their respective houses. Lexi burrowed into Rue's sweatshirt, while the crisp air skated over Rue's skin, forming goosebumps in its wake, but she had no intention of telling Lexi that. To somewhat reconcile the situation, she shoved her hands into the pockets of her sweatpants.

A silence enveloped the girls as they walked. Despite the absence of one-on-one conversations in recent years, it wasn't uncomfortable. The world appeared still around them, making Lexi and Rue feel like they were in their own corner of the universe. It was a sensation which had evaded them since early elementary school days when building forts and climbing trees were the biggest of priorities. Before fathers were lost in different ways and drugs and alcohol became more than the topic of school assemblies.

The silence served as a reminder it was easy for them to be in each other's company. They'd had their fair share of obstacles – many of which, when feeling particularly honest, Rue would take responsibility for – but when everything was stripped away and the girls were given a quiet moment with no complications or tempting factors, they could resume a routine they continued in their perfect, imagined worlds. A routine stumbled upon in preschool that brought with it happiness and comfort and a sense of belonging. And a routine both Lexi and Rue were desperate to always keep alive, even if they had never said so out loud.

The walk home allowed the girls to get lost in their own thoughts, but as they turned onto a street perpendicular to Fez's, one particular notion nagged at Rue more than others.

"Can I say something?" Rue asked abruptly.

"Of course."

"I really don't think you hanging out with Fez is the greatest of ideas." The words came out quick and forced, but Rue felt relief when they touched the air in between her and Lexi.

"What?" Lexi stopped in her tracks.

Rue took a couple of more steps before discovering Lexi was no longer in sync with her. When she twisted around, Lexi was rooted to the spot, arms crossed again, and staring at her in confusion.

Rue heaved a sigh. "It's just…he's a fucking drug dealer, Lexi," she said. "And just because he's good doesn't mean…I've seen some of the people he does business with. They're, like, legit and they're fucking terrifying—"

"Hold on," Lexi interrupted. She waved a hand around in disbelief. "Since when do you give a shit about what I do or who I hang out with?"

It was a valid question. An inclination to check in on Lexi's daily, mundane activities, and who she spent them alongside, had not occurred to Rue for a longer period of time than she'd care to admit.

The ground looked appealing to Rue as all she could muster was, "Lex, I…"

"No, don't 'Lex' me." Lexi's voice grew in firmness. Underneath lied a vague hint of pain. "You have been in-and-out of, and occasionally completely nonexistent in, my life for quite some time now, Rue. And I get it – you've been dealing with shit no one should ever have to deal with. But it sure as hell does not give you the right to tell me what I can and cannot do."

"I'm not," Rue said, now on the defense. "I'm just suggesting—"

"You don't get to suggest anything either!" It was the closest Lexi ever got to yelling at Rue at the top of her voice. Her fists were clenched at her sides, but there still wasn't evidence of her being genuinely angry – she was simply disappointed, which, Rue realized, was somehow worse.

Anger was a raw emotion directed at a person's actions; disappointment stuck around to remind you of the potential seen in you and how you failed to live up to it.

Nevertheless, though Lexi was justified in her reaction to the initial suggestion, it still struck a nerve with Rue. "Oh, well, fucking excuse me for having your well-fucking-being in mind, Lexi. My bad."

"That's not—"

Rue decided to take a turn interrupting. "Yeah, yeah, I fucking know I've done and said a lot of shit to you I shouldn't have done and said. And I'm sorry for all of it, but it's not like I ever stopped caring about you. It's not like I want you to get hurt or kidnapped or fucking murdered by other drug dealers."

The silence that followed was deafening. Rue knew she had developed a reputation for not telling the truth, but this moment defied that notion. For Rue, to be truthful meant to admit her admiration towards Lexi Howard – in spite of neglecting to do so for too long.

It was another minute before Rue received a reply.

"You have a colorful imagination." Lexi said the words with a smile so sincere it broke through Rue's haze of irritation instantly.

"I can't help it."

"I'm sorry," Lexi went out as she let out a breath. "I shouldn't have said any of that."

Rue shook her head insistently. "No, you're right. I…have been lacking in basically all areas of friendship when it comes to you. I'm the sorry one." She stared at Lexi in a way she hoped conveyed all of her emotions, all of her unsaid words she couldn't form yet.

Lexi wriggled a little under the intensity of the gaze, but her smile didn't fade. "It," she paused, "is okay."

"It is?"

"It is." Lexi ran a hand through her hair. "We are standing, arguing in the middle of the road at 1:30 in the morning. Regardless of what life has tried to throw at us, here we are, working through it or whatever. I'd say that's a good definition of caring about each other."

"You have a weird definition of 'care'," Rue said, "but I'll allow it."

Perhaps more should have gone into the reconciliation – more words, more apologies, more everything – but Lexi and Rue felt a page turn in their friendship as they resumed their walking. There remained things to be said and wrongs to be righted, but it was the deepest, realest kind of conversation the two had in ages, and it harbored hope for the future.

Rue decided the Lexi-Fez-drug dealer situation could wait for a new day.

"Thanks, by the way," Lexi said after a few more minutes.

"For what?"

"For not wanting me to get hurt or kidnapped or murdered by drug dealers."

"Ah," Rue replied with a grin. "Of course. My pleasure."

They had reached the intersection that would force them to go their separate ways homes, and they turned to look at one another.

"You know I never stopped caring about you either, right?" Lexi wondered.

"Interestingly enough," Rue started softly, "that is one thing I have never in my life doubted."

Lexi grinned in response. "Good." She started to unzip Rue's sweatshirt to return it, but Rue stopped her.

"Keep it."

"What? No, Rue, I—"

"Keep it, Lexi," Rue repeated resolutely. "Give it back to me tomorrow when we hang out."

Leaving no room or time to inquire or argue, Rue turned around and started her solo hike, leaving a smiling, slightly bemused Lexi to watch as she went.