144.

Dr. Lindstrom's office had not changed, but, to Olivia, it felt foreign. The wall color, furniture, and pictures were the same. Titles of books she recognized were in the exact same spots, wedged so tightly together on the shelves it would certainly take extra effort to remove one. Everything existed as if it had been frozen in time, but Olivia felt like a brand new patient. Maybe, she figured, that was a good thing.

After spending several minutes catching up, Lindstrom delicately brought up the question of why she'd reached out and made an appointment. He'd been listening intently and couldn't unearth a reason based on her updates.

"It's Brooke," Olivia said. "She, apparently, I wasn't there, indicated to Ed she thought Noah might need therapy because of...because of the past."

"You mean Johnny D?"

Olivia closed her eyes. "Yes."

"I see," Lindstrom replied in his best therapists' voice. "Have you asked Brooke about it?"

"No, I came here first."

"Why?"

Not expecting the question, Olivia stared, wide-eyed, at him and stammered, "I, um, well…" When it was clear he wasn't going to throw her a life preserver, she gathered her thoughts as best she could and attempted to explain to him and herself the reason for the visit. "Ed told me last night and, at the time, I thought it was best if I talked to Brooke first, but now I don't know if that's the best move. I don't know what to say to her."

Lindstrom shifted in his chair and twirled his pen between his thumb and index finger. A notepad sat on the table at his side, but he didn't seem to want to use it. "Are you afraid, if, in talking to her you'll have to admit some things you'd rather keep to yourself?"

"Like what?"

He smirked. Olivia always challenged him in one way or another. It was a good sign; when she sat passively, they never got anywhere. "Brooke knows about Johnny D? Knows everything?"

"She and Sarah both do, yes."

"Did you tell them?"

"No, well, I filled in the blanks after they found parts on their own."

"I remember you being worried about what Noah may have inherited from his biological father. And I also remember you trusting the science and research. But for a short period of time, there was a sliver of doubt, wasn't there?"

"Not doubt," Olivia replied, "Curiosity."

"Our questions can betray us sometimes, can't they? There's a great deal of information in our curiosity. If I were you?" Lindstrom spoke casually as if he didn't care whether or not Olivia took his advice, "I'd let Brooke do most of the talking. Find out what she's questioning. I suspect...you'll know exactly how to respond."

…

As usual when it came to a "first" with Olivia, Ed didn't know what to do. Spending the night was becoming a fairly regular occurrence, but, in order to avoid any Noah-related impropriety, he always got up early, made coffee, and behaved himself. If he had to be at IAB and didn't have fresh clothes, he worked more quickly, but he had come to treasure any pace of morning with Noah and Olivia. Today, a Sunday, he'd woken up with an urge he couldn't ignore. Neither coffee nor the newspaper were going to do any good. He needed her. Only, he wasn't exactly sure how she felt about morning sex. They'd fooled around in the shower a few times, but never had Ed done what he was about to do-kiss her awake and then hope she, too, was in the mood.

He started at her shoulder, barely touching her skin. A few seconds and a few kisses later, she stirred and Ed moved closer so their bodies were touching. Olivia's eyes were still closed, but she turned on her side, toward him.

He whispered, "Hey."

She smiled and made a little noise.

Ed waited for something else to happen. He concentrated on the feel of her soft sheets. The way her pillows were firm but not too firm. The way-

"-don't stop," she said.

"Sure?"

Olivia opened her eyes and was greeted by his smitten smirk. "I'm sure," she reached out, hooked an arm around his upper body, and repeated, "Don't stop."

….

Ed knocked out push-ups, sit-ups, squats, and crunches in the center of the living room while the twins played. They sidestepped him, used to their father exercising at random times during the day. Maggie and Wyatt would occasionally draw on their experiences at the toddler gym and do a few clumsy jumping jacks or somersaults; sometimes they piled on Ed's chest and he bench pressed them until they were giggling and too wiggly to safely lift. The twins were not shy about interrupting his reps when a problem arose with one of their toys, and, halfway through a set, Wyatt skipped over with two cars in his hand.

"Door STUCK!" He said with a frown.

"Uh oh!" Ed took the car and fixed the door. "There ya go!"

Wyatt tried the door himself. It swung perfectly on its hinges. "Door no'stuck anymore!" He smiled and trotted away.

Maggie circled the room with a large old-style Tonka dump truck filled with small action figures, dolls, and other small items from the toy box. She passed Ed and he heard the familiar sound of a vibrating phone and called her back. She whirled around and informed him she was going on a trip and she would "Be ri'back!"

Amused, Ed grinned and completed another set while she rounded the sofa, made a lap up and down the foyer, and, as promised, returned.

"Need the phone outta there, Maggs."

"No phone, Dada!"

"Yes, there's a phone in there." Ed sat up and uncovered his iPhone from underneath a pile of My Little Ponys. Sonny had called and did not leave a voicemail, but Ed immediately called him back. Afraid for some type of bad news about Brooke, Ed waited impatiently for his son-in-law to answer. As it turned out, though, Brooke was fine, at least, according to Sonny. The reason for the call was the Wald Case and Ed listened, shocked, as he learned Gary's attorneys notified the DA's office they would be willing to entertain a plea agreement.

"He's gotta go away for life," Ed muttered under his breath. He got up and went to the kitchen in case the twins picked up on the slightest sliver of macabre details. Sonny took a deep, sharp, and doubtful breath. "What's Rachel's family think?"

"They're weighing the pros and cons," Sonny replied. "But, yeah, we're not gonna get a plea unless there's some light at the end of the tunnel for him. It's not like we have the death penalty for leverage here. Hadid doesn't want to go to trial. The grand jury's one thing. A regular jury's another."

Ed grunted. Sonny was right both in what he said and what he implied. Without Rachel and without any other victims coming forward, there was the confession and not much else. However, the litany of charges and the potential of decades of prison time had been enough to get Wald's attention. Yet, at his age, there wasn't any difference between a thirty year or an eighty year bid. In order to reach a plea deal, the DA was going to have to offer much less. Ed thanked Sonny and summoned the twins over. The sound of their bare feet slapping against the floor made him smile.

He lifted Maggie and Wyatt onto the island and wrapped them in a hug. "I love you two," he said. The scent of baby shampoo, fabric softener, and a faint hint of maple syrup comforted him. A lot of men his age would see young children as an inconvenience, but Ed considered himself lucky. The twins' unconditional love and unbridled enthusiasm for just about everything reinvigorated Ed on a daily basis, especially when days included not-so-great updates about Gary Wald.

Ed smoothed the twins' hair. "Want to go swing?"

"Go on scoo'er, Dada!"

"We'll take your scooters."

"Gah'have helmet!"

"I won't forget your helmets." Ed put them back on their feet. "Go get some socks."

Maggie and Wyatt ran off in the direction of their room. They strode close together and giggled when they ran into each other. Ed heard their bureau drawers opening and closing and he was sure he'd find piles of multicolored socks on the floor, but he didn't care.

…..

Dad Day ended in crisis.

Halfway home, Maggie bellowed a pained, "OH NO!" Tears welled in her eyes and she frantically separated each bracelet on her right wrist. Most of them were made of thread and cut off when they became too ragged, but a few were held together by clasps. At the park, Maggie used some of her money to purchase a black wire sharktooth bracelet with an S-hook closure and it had fallen off, Maggie feared, during the ride on the tube. Ed parked and everyone helped her search under and in between the seats to no avail. Trying not to burst into full blown sobs, Maggie stomped to the front steps and sat down with her head in her hands. Noah and Sofia threw up their hands in concession and walked around to the backyard. Wyatt dawdled, unsure whether to follow the others or comfort his twin.

"I got it, bud," Ed ruffled Wyatt's salty hair. "Go see what Mom brought ya."

Maggie huffed and puffed. Her bony shoulders rose and fell and her jaw was clenched so tightly Ed wondered if the dentist would say something about teeth grinding at their next appointment.

"Might be on the boat," Ed said, "Want to go take a look?"

"It's. Not. On. The. Boat."

"How do you know?"

"Justy always checks!"

"Tell ya what," Ed adjusted the curve in the brim of his ball cap, "Let's go check the boat and if it's not there we'll go get ya another one."

"They only had two!"

Ed jumped to his feet, dragging Maggie with him. "Then we better hurry."

…

From twenty feet away, Brooke's appearance rang alarm bells. Her skin was blotchy and greasy strands of her dark blond hair peeked out from the baseball cap she was wearing. When Olivia sat down and saw Brooke's eyes, they were bloodshot and seemed more deeply set and darker than normal. The skin around her fingernails was red and raw and she incessantly fiddled with sugar packets, straws, and the label stuck to the outside of her iced coffee cup. Had Olivia planned to be malicious or vindictive, one look at Brooke would have required an alternate strategy.

At first, they both pretended this was another casual coffee date. They traded brief updates about the kids, talked about how cautiously relieved they were that the pandemic was over, and, in a fleeting moment of excitement, expressed relief the Ireland trip was still on. Talk of the trip made Brooke's eyes cloud over.

"I'm not sure I'm still invited," she mumbled, her eyes downcast.

"Of course you are," Olivia replied.

Brooke shrunk in her chair.

"Your Dad told me there was a little tension at the bar the other day."

Brooke forced a sarcastic chuckle. "A little?" Olivia's calm demeanor unnerved her. Brooke figured out Olivia was going to make her talk rather than take the easy way out and level a denigrating rant in her direction. "Sarah won't answer my calls or texts. Dad did, but it was so obligatory. You know how you can hear people's tone, even in typed words?"

Olivia nodded.

"Yeah, well, that's how Dad sounded. Like he was replying because he had to."

"Your Dad isn't upset with you," Olivia said.

Brooke sniffed sarcastically.

"So, what happened?"

Brooke tugged at the edges of her eyelids with both index fingers. Her memory was fuzzy yet she clearly remembered the three words that had incensed Sarah and caused her Dad to walk out. "Dad told us about the counselor at school, about Noah being worried. And, me, thinking I'm an expert in child psychology, told him it might be a good idea to get Noah into therapy." Brooke eyed Olivia and wished this simplistic explanation would suffice. Olivia sat still and waited patiently for Brooke to speak again. Brooke winced and added, "I also, mentioned, Noah's past."

"His past."

Was her reply a question? A statement? Rhetorical? Brooke chomped the insides of her cheeks in contemplation. "Olivia," she said, "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

Now Brooke was starting to get annoyed with Olivia which almost never happened. "You must know. What I said. What I meant."

"I know what you said," Olivia replied, "I don't know what you meant. And that's why we're here. You didn't have a chance to explain it. Now you have that chance. And, so you know, I'm not upset, Brooke. I'm not mad."

Brooke sat in dubious silence.

"Tell me," Olivia urged. "Let's...get it all out there."

Remorse flooded Brooke's entire psyche. If she got it all out there, she wasn't positive there was a way back. "Olivia, I don't want to do this," she said. "I…-"

"-Brooke, you have to do this. We have to do this." Authoritarianism was not going to get her very far, but Olivia had to nudge things along. "And I want you to know that it's okay. You can talk to me. It can all stay between us. I'll forget it after."

"You won't forget it," Brooke said, forcing a smile.

"I probably won't. But I probably shouldn't, either."

"Olivia, have you ever wondered about the man who, well, the man who got Ellie pregnant?"

"I've never wondered about him," Olivia replied, "I know him. I know who he was and what he did."

"And who he was and what he did doesn't scare you?"

"Brooke, what scares me, what really, truly terrifies me, is that Noah, with all his wonderful, amazing qualities, was so, so close to a very different life. Had we not found him, had we not moved that night on that motel, he would've been gone. Can you imagine? Can you imagine all of us? Our lives? Without Noah? I can't."

"I can't either," Brooke murmured.

"There is something uniquely special about that boy," Olivia said, "And to think, ugh, I-" She pressed her eyes shut for a minute, "Brooke, what's scaring you?"

"Do you worry that Noah will be like Johnny D?"

Satisfied she'd come clean, Olivia relaxed and breathed a sigh of relief. "I did. But, after doing a lot of reading, a lot of talking, and a lot of soul searching, I learned there is no genetic predisposition to violence and realized I was the greatest influence in Noah's life, at least, until you and your Dad and Sarah and everyone else came along." Olivia saw Brooke's shoulders shake in soft laughter, "I get that you've wondered about Johnny D. Because I have. But I don't anymore. Someday, Noah may want to know more, and we'll deal with that when the time comes. But, right now, he knows he's adopted and knows he was adopted because I, and then your Dad, wanted him so much. Right now, he's good with that. We're good with that. And we don't complicate every crisis with, well, Ellie and...him."

Brooke let the words sink in. Olivia had a way of making her recognize the errors in her thinking without making her feel like shit. Nevertheless, all she could think to do was to say she was sorry. "I love Noah," Brooke said, "But, honestly, I can't help but wonder. I, uh, when I was teaching in the Bronx there were so many kids who went from sweet to monsters in a few months. Obviously, there's more going on there, but, well, Sarah hasn't seen what I've seen and she judges. I mean, I warned her about Justin, I thought, in a friendly way, I didn't say 'don't pursue this he's a gang member' but I tried to explain that he grew up differently, has different experiences-"

"-you thought Justin was a gang member?"

"Where I taught, which wasn't far from his neighborhood, teenage boys had very little choice."

"Justin's not a gang member."

"I know," Brooke replied, "But, as usual, in trying to explain something, I was misunderstood. Why, in this family, am I constantly misunderstood?"

The question was probably rhetorical, but Olivia knew the answer. "Because you keep your thoughts to yourself until the last minute," she said. We can debate and discuss and all of us toss around our opinions, but you, well, there's something always holding you back. I don't know what it is, but, Brooke, I'm quite sure that's why you feel the way you do. I'm sure that's why, almost five years later, this is the first time you've asked me, really asked me, about Noah."

"I, just…" Brooke swallowed a sob, "Didn't want to bring up bad memories. I didn't want to upset you."

Honey," Olivia reached for Brooke's hands, "Anything you want to talk about...anything you want to ask me about...it's not going to be a surprise. You're not going to hurt me. Especially if the topic is my children."

"Liv, I love Noah. But, I can't help but wonder..."

"Wonder?"

Brooke bent her straw in half. "What if the research is wrong?"

…

Ed's slow, careful, steady rhythm rendered Olivia incapable of doing anything other than holding him close and moaning and gasping in pleasure. All of the regular sensations were heightened. Maybe early morning was the best time to have sex, before the day's stressors took their toll and when one's nerves were rested, relaxed, and raw so every touch felt brand new and exhilarating. Also, and she smiled a little when she thought of this fact, Ed was so good at this. He read her reactions, found spots she didn't know drove her crazy, and, after, held her so possessively he hesitated to let her go, even when Noah's soft voice filtered in through the baby monitor.

"I better go get him," she made apologetic circles on his chest.

"Yep," he kissed her hand, "Okay if I get in the shower?"

"Of course," she raised herself push-up style over him, grinned, and gave him a kiss. "What do you want to do today?"

Ed's stomach flip-flopped. Hell, he didn't care as long as they were all together, but he had to be decisive. She would appreciate options. "Want to get outta the city for a while? Or, if you wanna stay close, how about the botanical gardens?"

Olivia grinned from ear to ear. He'd been paying attention. Last week she mentioned the gardens opening while reading the newspaper. She wasn't even sure it had registered, but now, here he was, gazing up at her with a flushed, hopeful face, and a little proud of himself for remembering.

"I'd love to go to the botanical gardens," she said.

"I'll get the tickets," Ed reached for his phone.

Olivia finally climbed out of bed. She kissed him again before going to get Noah. "Coffee?" She knew he wanted coffee, but she loved the whole routine of asking, him saying yes, and then drinking it with him while Noah watched cartoons.

"Yes, thank you."

"See you after your shower."

…..

#Tuckson

(Don't love ending on a flashback but I had to split a long chapter somewhere!)