178. Flashback courtesy of JennBenson's brain. And it's a two-parter! Stay tuned!

"Holy shit," Ed nuzzled Olivia's neck and held her close even though they were hot and had kicked the covers off seconds earlier. "Mmmmm, I love you," he whispered, "I love you so much. God you're so good."

"We're good."

"No," Ed's eyes sparkled, "We're fucking amazing."

Olivia smiled and touched his face. She kissed both cheeks and lingered on his lips. "And I don't think we woke anyone up."

"We'll try harder tomorrow." Ed laughed at her attempted frown. "Damn, I'm hungry. You want something to eat?"

Olivia squinted at him. Food after sex wasn't a typical routine, but they had consumed more alcohol than usual and dinner had been hours ago. "I could eat something."

"Grilled cheese?" Ed screwed up his face at her reaction, "What?"

"That's a little involving," she said, "But, if you're up for it, yeah, that does sound good."

Ed smiled and kissed her, "I'll be right back." He stood up and searched for shorts. Finding some, he slid them on, frowned at the fit, but shrugged and started for the door. Hearing his wife's soft laughter, he turned around and raised his eyebrows.

"Those are mine," she said.

"I knew they felt weird."

"Cute."

Ed crawled to her from the end of the bed, "You don't mind if I borrow 'em for a few minutes, do ya?" He kissed her chin and waited with an eager expression for her answer.

"Not at all." The response came out as more of a gasp, and she suddenly wasn't so sure their night of lovemaking was over. "Hurry back, okay?"

"Okay."

Olivia covered herself with the sheet and smiled at the ceiling. She watched the fan blades cut through the air, took deep, satisfied breaths, and thought about how the glorious sex they'd had was the perfect end to a terrific day. After dinner the entire family took another walk on the beach and stopped at their go-to bar for frozen drinks. There was an intense volleyball game being played on one of the courts, so they stopped to watch until the sun began to set. On the way back home Noah asked if they were going to have a bonfire and S'mores and spun around in circles when Olivia said they were. The twins copied his footwork and it wasn't long before all three fell into the sand. The kids stayed up too late. Instead of a bath, Ed sprayed them down in the outdoor shower, and Maggie only fled the bedroom twice before staying put for the rest of the night.

Nobody felt much like playing games after the kids went to bed, so the adults hung out on the porch and talked mostly about the Benson Center Benefit plans. Sarah brought up the subject in the context of talking about their work lives. Other than discussing an initial vision, Olivia had been hands-off during the planning process, and she was amazed at how much G had done in so little time while also being forced into the center of a criminal case. G had been engaged and animated throughout the night, but she spoke with additional pride and excitement when the topic shifted to the benefit. Olivia could tell she got a great deal of satisfaction from her work.

At one point, Ed, having had more than his share of beer, bourbon, and whatever had been in the bar's concoctions, asked G if there would be a time when the namesake of the Benson Center would get a dance with her husband. G deftly responded, "I'll put that in right after cocktail hour."

Olivia lolled her head back and forth and caught a glimpse of the clock. Two a.m. She would be tired when morning arrived, but beach tired was tolerable, maybe even welcome because it was an excuse to be lazy and lounge under an umbrella while the kids built sandcastles and splashed on the shore. Justin would surely be up for skimboarding. Perhaps they would pack a picnic dinner and eat it on the boat or maybe go out for oysters or-

Ed pushed his way into the room with two glasses half full of clear liquid and two sandwiches on a plate. "Room service has arrived, Mrs. Tucker."

"Mmmm, thank you." Olivia took the two glasses and sniffed the contents of one. "Grape vodka?"

"Sounded better than bourbon," he replied, "Believe it or not."

Olivia took a sip," It's good. Sweet. I'll have it after."

Ed fed her a bite of grilled cheese, "How's it taste?"

"Great," she replied, "Yours are always delicious."

"It's 'cause I use way too much butter."

"I don't care," Olivia took another bite, "It's perfect." She leaned over and plucked a tissue to use as a napkin.

"Shit, forgot paper towels."

"It's fine, I just don't want crumbs all over the sheets."

"Yeah," Ed leaned in and growled into her neck, "Don't want that."

She shivered, "Ed!"

"Sorry. I'll behave."

Olivia took another bite and winked at him. "Thank you," she retorted sassily, "At least while we're eating."

….

While Olivia and Ed munched on grilled cheese sandwiches and everyone else in the house slept, G sat at the window seat and stared out into the night. After a smooth first day and evening, she now longed for her apartment. She didn't want to be alone, but, at least there, she wouldn't have stepped out into the hall to go to the bathroom and caught a glimpse of an almost naked Ed Tucker heading down the stairs.

"He didn't see me," G whispered to herself, "He would've stopped or said something." She hugged her knees to her chest. The room felt hot and cold all at once and her heart pounded. She replayed the one-sided encounter in her mind from the second she slowly turned the doorknob to when she heard a floorboard creak at the opposite end of the hall to when she poked her head out to see Ed grip the newel post and descend the stairs. Her breath caught in her throat, for the shadowy backdrop made her think, for a second, he was completely unclothed. Upon second thought she realized he had on a pair of very small shorts or maybe underwear. He was definitely shirtless. G quickly scurried to the bathroom, holding her breath. While there she listened and heard faint clanging. Ed was either cooking or searching for something in one of the cabinets. Having done her business, she darted back to her room, carefully closed the door, and leaned against it, gasping for air, until she managed to shuffle to the window seat.

Around three a.m. G began to doze off and at three-twenty she jerked awake after nearly falling from the seat. She curled back under the covers-they smelled like gardenia and lavender-and tried to be confident Ed had not seen her. What would have been the big deal anyway? Surely he'd run into one of their guests before, maybe not in the middle of the night, but it wasn't impossible. The only thing to do was to try and sleep and gauge his behavior the next morning. Although, he'd been noticeably loopy when he and Olivia went to bed. If they were still awake and had started their own little after party for two in the master bedroom, it was possible his vision was blurry and his memory fuzzy. He'd also appeared to be in a hurry to get downstairs; it was likely he'd been so focused on their snack (G eventually picked up a faint scent of food) and whatever was to follow that he didn't care to notice anyone or anything else.

Melancholy threatened to set in. Ed was the perfect husband. So was Justin. Part of G wished Olivia and Sarah were awful people because, if they were, it would be so much easier to be jealous of them.

…

Olivia checked her hair and makeup in the rearview mirror. Visits to Internal Affairs were almost always unsettling and nerve wracking, but this would be the first time she entered the building since she was called in to give her statements pertaining to William Lewis' death. The ordeal felt incongruously like a distant memory that happened yesterday. Compounding her nerves was the fact that this would be the first time she encountered Tucker since, well…

That night.

Olivia closed her eyes and remembered the phone call. Seeing his name pop up, she cursed and wondered what in the world he could want now. Couldn't he leave her alone? The case was closed. Over. Tucker himself had said he didn't give a damn if Lewis was dead. Had there been a new development? Her stomach twisted in knots. New developments in closed cases were rarely good news.

But the shot of instantaneous worry was unwarranted. His voice was soft and full of concern. He only wanted to know how she was doing, and, Olivia, caught off guard, mumbled she was not holding up as well as she was pretending.

Olivia stretched the corners of her eyes back toward her temples and checked the mirror for makeup smudges. At her side on the passenger seat was the iPad containing dash cam footage that would exonerate Amaro and hopefully get him back into the SVU squad room. The evidence was irrefutable, the easy part. Facing Tucker after...what had happened that night a few months ago, was going to be excruciatingly difficult and sitting here in the car fretting about it was not helping.

Tucker had been so gallant-holding doors, paying for the drinks, offering to walk her home-and Olivia liked the attention. She soaked up the experience of having someone care for her, listen to her, make her laugh, which Tucker was surprisingly good at. Who could blame her for not wanting the night to end? The alcohol had a euphoric effect on her brain. For a few hours she saw the future through rose-colored lenses. It was okay. It was all going to be okay.

So, she invited Lieutenant Ed Tucker up to her apartment. There was no pretense. No offer of a nightcap. No coffee. No take out orders or television. From the second they stepped into the elevator together, she wanted only one thing.

Him.

Tucker asked her no less than five times if she was sure. He was both nervous and cocky, a combination that only heightened Olivia's desire. Tucker's machismo carried over into the bedroom. He was attentive and careful and generous with his touches and kisses. There were no awkward moments. No hesitation. For a while on that early spring night they shed all preconceived notions, all prior assumptions, all past bad acts, and started over. It had been one of the best nights she'd ever had.

Only, they didn't start over.

The next morning, Ed said a sleepy goodbye a few minutes after the sun rose. Olivia grabbed his hand before he left and thanked him for checking in on her and for helping her temporarily forget about all the ugliness in her world.

No plans for a follow up date were made.

Had they been implied?

Then life hurtled forward in double time. Judge Linden granted Olivia custody of Noah. Thrown unexpectedly into motherhood, her life took on a new sense of dual purpose. There was little room for anything or anyone else. It had been a blur. Olivia hated using the phrase because it always felt like such a coward's strategy to explain away a lack of commitment or follow through, but there was no other way to describe how her life had changed in a matter of a week.

Avoiding Tucker had been a matter of chance, not intention, but he didn't know that.

Olivia took a deep breath, checked her appearance one more time, and grabbed the iPad. "Okay," she whispered to herself, "Time to get Amaro back." Maybe if she kept the conversation professional it wouldn't be weird. Yet, when she saw Ed, her heart immediately flip-flopped and the "Tucker" that came out of her mouth was delivered in a tone bordering on apologetic.

He was gruff, agitated, and either unable or unwilling to hide his anger. After viewing the dash cam footage he sarcastically brushed off both Olivia and the point she was making. Even when she implored to him she was short-staffed, the urgency barely registered. Red-faced and impatient, his eyes darted back and forth from her to the notes on the table. He dismissed her without saying good bye and she waited an extra split second before turning to leave to see if he would change his tune. But, he let her saunter away without another word.

Back in the car, she stared through the windshield. Her tears and the falling rain distorted the streetscape. She hadn't expected Tucker to treat her as a friend, but she certainly didn't foresee reverting to enemy status. Olivia sighed. Another bridge burned. Another opportunity lost. She did not regret the night they'd spent together, but she was sad and annoyed at how he'd reacted to seeing her for the first time since. No, she had not reached out to him. But the phones worked both ways. How dare he treat her so abrasively?

Bzzt! Bzzt!

"Life goes on," Olivia murmured. She reached for her phone expecting to see a text from her nanny or one of the squad, but the name on the screen was his.

Ed Tucker.

Olivia rolled her eyes and shoved the phone in her pocket. For now, Ed Tucker would have to wait. Maybe Olivia felt she was making him pay for his boorish behavior, or, equally likely, maybe she didn't trust herself.

It was a one night thing, she told herself, nothing more. She started the car, yanked the gear shift into drive, and hoped, at the very least, Tucker and the other IAB suits would set aside ego and do her a solid by reinstating Amaro.

….

Probably out of habit, Olivia woke up at her usual time. Her internal clock was too keen, even on vacation. She listened for any signs of movement, but the house was quiet. Ed whimpered pathetically when he felt her leave the bed, but by the time Olivia closed the bedroom door he was sound asleep again. Downstairs, she turned on a few lamps because she liked the way they made the living space more cozy and inviting, even in the daytime. She made a cup of coffee, smiling, for she used the hated Kuerig. Ed swore the coffee tasted like plastic, but Olivia knew part of his loathing was due to the one-at-a-time nature of the machine.

She only had a few minutes to herself on the porch when she heard stirring inside. Unable to see who was in the kitchen, Olivia got up and saw G through the window. "Grab coffee and come on out," Olivia called through the screen. G nodded and joined her a few minutes later with her own mug of plasticky coffee.

"I hope I'm not stealing anyone's mug," G said. "I know families can be particular about that kind of stuff."

"We are a little bit," Olivia said, "The kids always like us to drink from the ones with their pictures on them."

"Phew. I'm safe."

"I'm sure they wouldn't mind you borrowing one," Olivia replied, "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah, well, about as well as I can these days," G replied breezily. She remembered seeing almost naked Ed and her breath caught in her throat until she realized Olivia sounded normal as ever. "The bed is super comfortable. And I love those window seats."

"One day the room you're in will be Maggie's," Olivia said, "For some reason I always pictured a little girl in a room with a window seat. Maybe I saw it in a movie once. But, for now, the three of them like to be together. I think they sneak movies. Did you hear anything last night?"

"No," G replied, "Totally quiet as far as I know."

"I get not being able to sleep well," Olivia circled back to the previous topic, "Story of my life."

"Tell me it gets better eventually?"

"It does." Olivia pressed her lips in a straight line, "Do you feel like taking a little walk?"

"Okay."

Olivia fetched two plastic mugs with lids from the outdoor kitchen and handed one to G. Travelers in hand, they walked across the lawn and over the short boardwalk to the sand. "Such a treat to be able to walk on the beach in the morning," Olivia said, "Before everything comes to life. So peaceful."

"Yeah," G murmured. She didn't know Olivia that well, but she sensed the older woman was in a reflective mood. G was still wondering if she knew about the almost-encounter with Ed. If he had told Olivia, she wasn't letting on.

Seconds later, thoughts of Ed completely disappeared. Out of the blue, Olivia launched into a soul-baring soliloquy.

"When I was working," she said, "I had a few very bad things happen to me. Terrible, horrible experiences. But, the worst, was at the hands of a guy named William Lewis. You may have read about it or heard about it on the news but maybe you didn't live here then," Olivia paused, maybe waiting for G to tell her how many years she'd lived in New York, but G was tongue tied so Olivia went on, "He was a psychopath. Violent. Manipulative. Smart. Evil. The worst of all combinations. And he fixated on me, kidnapped me, brutalized me. And after I was rescued, some time passed, he escaped, and I...went after him."

G was walking, copying Olivia's snail's pace, but her breath caught in her throat. Even if she were capable of speaking, she had no idea what to say.

"It is the type of thing, from which, most people would assume one could never recover."

"My God," G finally croaked.

"And it all ended because...he killed himself."

"What?"

"He...took me and a little girl...to this abandoned factory, or granary, and as we were walking upstairs, surrounded by all that rusted metal, all alone, I was certain one of us was going to die there and I would have put money on it being me." Olivia stopped walking and looked G in the eye, "But I was wrong."

"He…"

"Took his own life. In front of me. In front of the little girl who I was determined to save."

G's jaw dropped.

"Sarah knows all of this. Brooke knows. Even Caroline knows. Ed, of course, knows more than anyone other than me. But for the girls and Caroline, well, for them, knowing is more, I don't know, shock value. They can't totally understand and I would never want them to. Ed's understanding shows in how protective he is. A lot of people would call him possessive, but that's not it. Deep down I think he'll always be terrified I'll be in trouble and he can't get to me." Olivia drank some coffee and made sure G was paying attention, "I'm telling you all of this because I may know better than anyone how you feel. When Lewis killed himself there was a great deal of relief, but also confusion and anger. There were many people around me who were thrilled with the outcome and expected me to be as well. But it was never that simple for me. So, G, honey, I know what it's like to see the world keep moving on and to feel stuck in place without a total resolution. And I want you to know I'm willing to listen, or talk, or just be around if you need me. No pressure, but I'm here."

G's chin trembled and she collapsed into Olivia's embrace before she began to sob. "Thank you," she managed to say, "I...don't know...if..." She stammered and hiccuped and had trouble finishing the thought.

"Shhh," Olivia said, stroking the back of her head, "You don't have to know. You don't have to do anything but keep breathing and keep living, G. One day at a time. That's all. And if one day is too much to think about, then one hour at a time. And, gradually, it'll get easier. I promise it will. And we'll help you get there as much as you'll let us."

"I'll let you," G mumbled. "I'll try."

"Good," Olivia said softly. She let a minute or so pass and they stared into the waves, "Now. I bet we have some little ones back at the house wondering where the two missing adults are."

G wiped her face with a corner of her t-shirt and managed a smile. "They're so sweet."

"They are," Olivia cooed, "And they love you and they're so excited you're here. I think Noah has a huge sand castle project planned for today and I hear you're an integral part of the construction team."

This made G chuckle. "I better bring my A game!"

"Absolutely." Olivia slung her arm around G's shoulders and they made their way back to the house. They rounded a slight bend and passed a dune that partially blocked the view of the house from the beach. When the Tucker yard came into view, Olivia grinned at the sight of Ed meandering down the boardwalk.

He smiled and waved. When G and Olivia were within earshot, he held out his arms and pretended to be annoyed. "Ya left me to hold down the fort all on my own!"

"Justin and Sarah are here," Olivia replied, "Remember?"

"They're still in bed. Not much help."

"MOMMY! GEE!" The kids were standing on the top porch step, waving and jumping up and down.

Olivia and G waved back.

"I told 'em they were frozen on the porch until I got back."

"They don't look frozen," Olivia retorted.

Ed shrugged, "They're on the porch."

"MOMMYYYY! GEEEE!"

"UNFREEZE!"

"UH! FREEEEEEZE!"

"I'll go, uh, unfreeze them," G said.

"Okay," Olivia gave G's arm a squeeze as she passed then put her arms around Ed's waist, "Good morning, handsome."

"Morning." He kissed her on the lips and sized her up with a smirk.

"You're looking quite proud of yourself," Olivia said, "Any reason why?"

Ed shrugged, "Maybe 'cause I can walk out of my back door and kiss the prettiest woman on the beach."

"What a nice compliment."

"I have tons." Ed kept his eyes on Olivia's, "Have a nice walk?"

"We did. Talk about it later on?"

"Sure, everything's alright though?"

"It is," Olivia replied, "Or, well, it will be."

"Okay," Certain she would elaborate later, Ed kissed her forehead and glanced at the empty mug, "Need a refill?"

"Yes."

"You're in luck. Made some in the Bodum."

"Mmmm. Much better than the Kuerig," Olivia teased.

"Ah!" Ed grinned, "She's finally seein' the light."

….

#Tuckson