184.

Bzzt!

Bzz!

Bzzzzzt!

Ed groaned under his breath and reached across his dead-to-the-world wife to grab her phone which she'd forgotten to silence. He did a double take when he saw the name on the screen. Elliot Stabler. What the fuck was he doing calling her in the middle of the night? Or at all? But especially in the middle of the night. Ed silenced the phone and shoved in in his nightstand drawer. Wide awake now, he rolled onto his side and gazed at Olivia for a few seconds before succumbing to the urge to kiss her. I'm sorry, he silently apologized, I'm so, so sorry for waking you up.

Olivia wasn't making the task easy. At first, his kisses produced no reaction. Her face didn't even twitch. Ed briefly considered giving up. He bunched a pillow to prop his head and stared. The luck of being here was enough. So many times he'd awoken to see her, usually on her side facing away from him because they'd fallen asleep spooned together. Forever he would remember the first time they made love in the middle of the night and then the very next night when she initiated the intimacy. They'd been addicted to each other for some time now.

"Mmmphmm."

Her sleepy sigh startled him out of the daydream and he started kissing her again.

"Ed." She finally gurgled.

"I love you," he whispered back.

Eyes still closed, she rolled over, into him, and threw her head back.

"Liv?"

"Ed."

He slowly shifted his weight on top of her, pressed his lips to hers, and whispered, "Hey."

"Is it morning?" She asked, sounding a bit out of it.

"No."

"Good," she smiled, raised her head to nuzzle his neck, and whispered, "Keep going."

The bliss, for Ed at least, was short lived. Before he fell back asleep with Olivia in his arms, he remembered the missed calls. Elliot's name. The surge and sizzle of jealousy. He was going to have to come clean first thing tomorrow morning because the guilt would kill him otherwise.

…..

G swore she was the only one awake and took great care to open and close the main porch door without making too many squeaks. The slider was easier, but it also involved moving chairs and drapes and making even more noise. She made coffee and stepped onto the porch, taking a second to savor the view-fire pit, Adirondacks, kids' toys, boardwalk to the beach, and the sea in the distance-and took a deep breath. "So perfect," she murmured.

"Hi honey."

"Oh, gosh, Olivia, hi!"

"Sorry," Olivia replied with a smile. She was sitting on the loveseat that seemed to be permanently reserved for her and Ed. "I didn't mean to scare you. And, wow, you're up early. Sleep okay?"

"I did," G replied, "I guess I've always been an early riser."

"I was trying not to be," Olivia said, "but I woke up, couldn't find my phone, still can't find it, and got worried which I shouldn't do because almost everyone I love is here, but I worry about Caroline when none of us is there, so, anyway, I checked on the kids and...here I am."

G chose the chair opposite Olivia so she had a view of the ocean. "I'm going to miss this the most," she murmured.

"Stay as long as you like."

"I wish I could...work, you know."

"Well, the offer stands. Even if you need to get away when we're not here. All you need to do is say the word."

"Thank you." A little embarrassed by the generosity, G cracked a tiny smile. Olivia grinned back and it lit her entire face. Free of makeup and her hair pinned back in a clip, she still appeared regal and sage-like. It was impossible not to love her.

"How are you holding up?" Olivia asked.

G's eye twitched. She gripped her mug tightly with both hands. "I've lost it a couple of times...when we were out." She waited for Olivia to say something in response, but the experienced police officer patiently waited for her to continue talking. "But it almost feels good, you know? Like, is this progress? That I can go out, drink, have fun, and then have a breakdown on the way home? Sarah assures me it's a good sign."

"Sarah, believe it or not, is often times right even when she's totally operating on instinct and knee jerk reactions."

"She's such a good person. Brooke, too. But, Sarah? She could've easily given up on me as a friend, neighbor even. I really appreciate that. I guess I should tell her, but, Olivia I appreciate you and Ed and everybody, for everything, I…"

"You're talking like this is the end," Olivia said, "It's not."

"In so many ways."

"Yes."

G pinched the bridge of her nose. "I hope there's a day when it's all different for me. When I don't go to sleep and wake up thinking about him. About how it sounded when he hissed in my ear and how I swear I can still feel the bruises and the zillions of mistakes I made afterward-"

"-No," Olivia interjected, "You didn't make any mistakes."

"I should have, I…" G looked at Olivia with desperation etched on her face.

"There is no way to properly react after trauma," Olivia said, "We have no control over it. We want to. The world thinks we ought to, but it's not possible. I had one therapist, she and I didn't last long, who told me that I needed to forgive myself. But, that's not the advice anyone needs. Now, there are a lot of decisions I've made for which I do need a little bit of forgiveness, but not the way I survived the assaults. No, not for those. And the same goes for you. Accept the self-inflicted wounds, but this isn't one of them."

"What's the thing you've forgiven yourself for?" G asked, surprised at her courage to pose such a personal question, "The self-inflicted wound?"

"I think...I wonder sometimes if I would have forgiven my mother," Olivia stared out into the ocean, "That's a complicated story to unpack. But, you know what? I've had to forgive myself for almost running away from Ed."

"What?"

"Mmmhmm," Olivia replied. "It was a scary thing-him-and all he represented."

"Like what?"

"Mostly...he let me be me. And feel comfortable in that skin. It's going to sound very old-fashioned for me to say this, but he's such a man. I never knew I wanted or needed that kind of presence. But to have someone so strong, equally strong as me, in the picture, well, I could relax a little. And, it took a long time and a lot of bumps for me to be okay with Ed taking care of me, of us, and, now, looking back, when I saw myself needing that in my life, it was scary. I remember one night I was alone, after Noah was asleep, and missing him so much...it truly was terrifying because it made me feel inadequate. But, slowly, I accepted and then embraced how the two of us, together, are…"

"Amazing." G murmured.

"Thank you," Olivia grinned, "I agree."

They both chuckled a little and stared out at the beach.

"G. You're going to be okay," Olivia finally said. "One day you'll find a way to stop viewing every day, everything, and everyone as battles you'll potentially have to survive."

G turned to Olivia and leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, "Do you ever wish you had been the one to kill him? Kill them?" G added because she was pretty sure Olivia had had more than one attacker.

"No. I don't think I'd want to carry that around. And I do carry it, for other guys I've had to take out, but, no, I wouldn't have wanted that."

"Are you glad he's dead?" G asked of Lewis, which was the only story she knew.

"Yes. He was pure evil. There's no redemption possible there."

"I think I'm starting to be glad he's dead."

Olivia nodded. "It'll come and go in spurts. The trick is...don't fight it. Don't fight feeling enraged one day because you were fine the previous one. And vice versa. It's frustrating, but, trust me, it's the process. And sometimes it takes a very long time."

"I trust you," G said.

Olivia clutched her hands to her heart. "That makes me so happy."

…

For Women's History Month, students in Maggie's history class were tasked with profiling a woman they admired and creating a one-page feature on her accomplishments to be added to the class. She was annoyed at first, for Wyatt's teacher had not assigned a special project, but then Maggie thought of a brilliant idea. She figured there was no better person to profile than her mother. Her digital art skills were amazing, and she was sure she would dazzle her teacher and surprise her mother with an impeccably researched and presented project. To begin, she took screen shots of the Benson Center website, the two books she's published since retiring from the NYPD, and found one of her favorite family photos to anchor the page.

"Details, details," Maggie mumbled to herself as she created text boxes. She zeroed in on the Benson Center website profile of its namesake. "Her mission as an SVU Detective and then Commanding Officer continues to be at the core of the Center's work," Maggie read aloud, "Thirty years...fighting for justice against heavy odds...a survivor herself...a-" Maggie screwed up her face. What? What did that mean? She typed in her mother's name into the Google search bar, deleted "Tucker" and replaced it with "Benson." The first links popping up were related to the three-season Netflix series inspired by her first book. Maggie jotted down a note, reminding herself to include the show on the list of her mother's accomplishments.

She clicked the next arrow. Clicked it again. And then, on the third page, a headline caught her eye.

Kidnapped Girl Found Alive. Escaped Convict Dead. Sergeant's Actions Under Investigation.

Maggie glanced around the school's Learning Commons as if she worried about being caught doing something wrong. Her peers in the room were locked in to their own screens, many with earbuds in the ears, and paying absolutely no attention to anyone else. Maggie clicked the link and the article displayed before her. Before reading any of the text, Maggie zoomed in on the first picture-her mother's official NYPD portrait juxtaposed with a photo of her being led into a building. Her face was beleaguered and ashen. Maggie checked the article's date and couldn't believe how her mother, today, looked much younger than she'd looked in this photograph.

A message from Wyatt popped up on the screen. Pop quiz in math, he'd written.

Maggie typed a thank you and groaned. She did not have time for a quiz of any sort in her worst subject, especially not now. Unable to focus, she closed the laptop, swiped out of the Learning Commons, and spent the rest of her study period in the park across from the school. What was she supposed to do with this information? She and Wyatt and Noah had always known they were cops' kids, but with their parents both retired, they didn't have to live with the constant worry that they may or may not return from a shift at work alive. But, for a long time, that scenario was true for both her Mom and her Dad. Did Sarah and Brooke remember being scared for their Dad? Did Noah? No...he'd never mentioned anything.

Noah! Yes! He would be able to help at least so she could pass the quiz in her last class of the day. Then she could go home and show her Mom the article and, well, should she show her Mom the article?

Maggie pulled out her phone and frantically texted Noah. He was a senior and his schedule was both different from hers and more flexible. Surely he could find a way to duck away and meet her. Maggie asked if he could come to the park. He said no problem, he'd be there in a couple of minutes.

Maggie sat on a bench and breathed a sigh of relief.

Noah always knew what to do.

…..

Olivia eventually found the phone, or, rather, it was given back to her by a very remorseful Ed. He called her upstairs when he woke up and explained the whole thing-seeing Elliot's name, getting jealous, waking her up, making love, and then hardly sleeping because he was terrified a phantom Stabler would somehow come and swoop her out from under his arms. It was petty, ridiculous, immature, and...wrong.

"I'm so, so sorry, Liv." His voice dripped with remorse.

True to form, Olivia was most concerned about her husband's state of mind. "Why do you feel like you're in competition with anyone?" She asked, "Especially Elliott?"

"I don't know. I can't explain it."

"I'm slightly flattered."

"Good to hear."

"But it's also a little pathetic." She kissed him on the lips and tried her best to shoot him a glare. "And you know I have to call him back, right?"

"I know."

"And you also know, after, I'm going to be your wife and love you and all of this," she twirled a hand around above her head, "Will all still be here."

"I know."

"Okay."

They hugged and Ed buried her face into her neck. It reminded her of the way the kids sometimes hugged her when they needed extra assurance or comfort and it brought tears to her eyes. "Now, go," she gently shoved him away, "I'll be down in a little bit."

"Okay," he kissed her on the lips, "I love you."

"I love you, Ed Tucker. In all your forms. Particularly the jealous version."

"Glad you like it," he said, "Cause it's hell for me."

Olivia caught his hand as he passed her and gave it a squeeze. His smirk assured her he really was okay, though still ashamed, but he'd need no more consoling. Olivia heard the shouts of "DADDY!" coming from the first floor. Surely, the kids would help ease the rest of Ed's guilt.

Now for the task at hand. Olivia sat on the window seat bench and waited for her former partner to pick up. The voicemail message Elliot left was nearly unintelligible. But he sounded desperate. Sad. Pathetic. "Yeah, Liv, uh, pick up if ya-" a few seconds of static, "-sorry about the hour-" more static, "-...tomorrow, bye."

When he didn't answer the callback, she was both relieved and concerned. Maybe he'd simply had too much to drink and the alcoholic stupor turned a minor snag into a monumental challenge. Then again, perhaps there was a real emergency and he was at a hospital listening to a doctor give a grim prognosis about Kathy or one of his kids. Or worse, maybe he was at a funeral home, picking out a casket or an urn, a headstone-Olivia remembered all the decisions she'd had to make in the wake of her mother's death which was strange because, at the time, it had all been a blur.

Olivia Googled his name, but found nothing recent. She sent a text and waited a few minutes, but no reply arrived. Outside in the yard she could see the kids running around in their beachwear, ready for another fun-filled day. They had most likely been instructed to wait for Mommy. Another minute or so passed. Wyatt's goggles now covered his eyes. Maggie had already shoved her sunhat into one of their bags. Noah said something to someone on the porch.

The lack of response from Elliot made Olivia even more sure the calls and messages were the products of a drunken binge. If not, whatever had gone wrong in his world could certainly be handled without her involvement. Olivia quickly changed into her swimsuit, chose one of her favorite, flowery, flowy cover ups, and hustled downstairs to join her family.

….

Cole's daughters were competition cheerleaders and often busy with meets on the weekends. Most times, he and his wife used the events as fun getaways, but regional contests lasted several days and he couldn't be there for the entire time. Ed always knew when Cole was flying solo because their after work drinks became more frequent and lasted longer. He was happy, though, to have the time with his partner, for Draper was the only one who knew the relationship with Olivia had crossed over into personal territory. There weren't many people who knew Tucker better than Draper and Ed was clearly distressed.

"What's the deal?" Cole asked.

Ed swirled the bourbon in his glass. "Is it too much to ask that I want to walk down the street with her, take her to dinner?"

Cole returned the questions with a stare.

"Maybe I need to suggest a weekend away."

"With her son?" Cole asked, eyebrows raised.

"Well, yeah. That's a little presumptuous, right? Hey, lemme take you away and oh, by the way, get Lucy to sit for the weekend."

"You know the Nanny's name."

"Yeah, I've met her."

"Well, that's a good thing." Cole examined his partner's anguished face and offered genuine advice, "Look, man. From what you've told me. And what I know about her. You're gonna have to keep tiptoeing into this. You met the kid? The nanny? Great. But tap the breaks. Trust me."

"How is it you know her better than I do?"

"I don't," Cole replied, "But you have blinders on. And she probably does, too."

"So lemme ask you this," Ed screwed up his face. "Why was she okay having her other relationships out in the open, but not this one?"

Incredulous, Draper replied, "Is that how it went down? Because I remember her keeping Cassidy under wraps for a long time, same thing, well, the rumors about that ADA, I forgot his name, unfortunately, if the past is any indication, she's not gonna prioritize anything, other than her son, over her job. So you might want to get used to playing second, no, third fiddle...if that's such a thing."

"There's gotta be a way…"

"I'm sure there is," Draper replied.

"I'm not giving up."

"Sure that's totally your decision?"

"It's not," Ed admitted, "But I think I can help her get there."

"You sound confident."

"We trust each other," Ed replied matter-of-factly. "Anything's possible."

In a patronizing way, Draper, chuckled and sipped his drink. "If you say so."

…..

As late afternoon approached, the topic shifted to evening plans, and Sarah pointed out Ed and Olivia had not yet been out on their date. The two insisted they had time since not all the other adults were leaving the next morning, and suggested another barbecue surf-and-turf feast. It was their favorite beach house meal, and Noah immediately volunteered to accompany whoever to the market so he could pick out the claws, crab legs, and shrimp. He did point out that he was "not it" when it came to "gettin da poop out of da shrimpies."

"Other than being reminded of shrimp poop," Brooke said, "Sounds like a great idea. And we haven't had a fire yet." She swung Sofia around in her arms and cooed, "You want s'mores, baby girl?"

"Neighbors are here," Ed muttered.

"Sheesh, Daddy," Sarah said, "What's wrong with them? They're nice."

"They're always coming over to say hi."

Olivia laughed and patted his arm, "It's called being friendly," she said, even though she understood Ed's point. The Sullivans were a little too friendly, and she could tell they wanted to be close friends with the Tuckers. "But we may have given them the wrong idea when we asked them to help the contractors when they laid the base for the hot tub."

"They're certainly not shy about cashing in that favor."

"Dat guy's weird," Noah chimed in, "You know what he calls me? Sport! He say, 'hey, sport, how're da waves' and I'm not sport!"

Olivia grinned at her son. "Sport's just a nickname some people use."

"He probably forgot your name," Sarah said.

"So I think it's decided that guy and his wife aren't invited tonight?" Sonny asked.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Noah, the trip to the market now fresh in his mind, bounced from foot to foot impatiently, "Who's gonna go with me to da store, Mommy?"

"I'll go, Noey!" Sarah said.

"I'll go, too," G chimed in, "I haven't been to this market you love so much."

"It's da best," Noah said.

"Get some things for a green salad," Olivia said, "And maybe some asparagus...or corn if they have it."

"Got it," Sarah said.

Maggie noticed a few people getting ready to leave and she ran over wailing, "MAGG GO! MAGGOTOO!"

"Small sister, you're filthy," Sarah said. Maggie's red, white, and blue bathing suit was saturated with saltwater and sand as usual. "But I guess you can go if we change you real quick. Livvie, is that okay?"

"Sure."

"Her clothes from this morning are on the porch," Ed offered.

"Alrighty. Let's head out, kiddos and G!"

Ed grumbled a mildly serious warning, "No stopping at a bar."

"Busted," Sarah said with a mischievous grin. "Party pooper!"

Maggie shouted, "PAR POOPER PAR POOPER!"

The four market-goers trudged through the sand to the house with Maggie still chanting. Ed turned to Olivia, "Why am I gettin' the feeling that we're gonna be called in to preschool for a conference because Maggie called the teacher a party pooper?"

Olivia laughed but she knew Ed's premonition was entirely plausible. Right now, though, her toes were in the sand, the sun was bright, the sky clear blue, and her family was happy. Worrying about the use of "party pooper" was the last thing on her mind.

…

#Tuckson