204.

G noticed Noah balling and unballing his fists again, exactly like he'd been doing earlier when they were alone among the catering staff. He'd been locked in to the action at the soundboard most of the night, and the guys didn't mind him hanging out and asking questions. It was a pretty tame event by their standards, so they had ample downtime to explain how the controls functioned. However, when Noah heard his mother's name and realized it was her turn to speak, he started clenching his fists.

"Y'okay, Noah?" G asked.

"Uh-huh."

"Y'sure?"

"Yeah," Noah replied with a shrug, "I guess I'm a little nervous."

Unfazed by yet another wise-beyond-his-years comment, G crouched as best she could in her dress, and, very seriously, replied, "I heard you've given speeches before. How come you think you're nervous?"

"S'different," Noah said with a chuckle, amused and befuddled by his emotions. "You think Mommy's nervous?"

"Maybe a little. I think everyone gets a few butterflies in their stomach when they have to talk in a microphone in front of a lot of people."

"Idiom," Noah said.

"Huh?"

"Butterflies in your stomach. Dat's idiom."

"Yes it is."

The current full time Benson Center director finished her brief biography of Olivia. The audience applauded, a few people whistled and roared, as the former Lieutenant Benson made her way to the stage. Stunning in her lavender ombré dress, heels, and more makeup G had ever seen her wear, she smiled from ear to ear as she hugged the director and took her place at the dais. G noticed how she twirled her wedding rings with her thumb before she slid on her reading glasses, took a glance at her prepared remarks, then slid the pages and the readers aside. Her knees unable to take more crouching, G stood up and put her hands on Noah's shoulders. From this angle, she could see Olivia was already becoming emotional.

She thanked everyone in attendance for their generosity, acknowledged her former squad members, Sarah, Brooke, and their spouses, and, finally, Ed, who smirked when she admitted he'd had the patience to sit through several practice rounds of the remarks she was about to give. When she spoke about Ed, the love she had for him resonated in her voice and her smile grew even wider, which G previously thought was impossible. She tilted her neck so she could see Ed, who, in his suit, tie, and freshly trimmed hair, was certainly a worthy date. G was always dumbfounded when she admitted to herself that this guy who could be her father was magazine cover sex symbol-worthy.

Refocus, she said to herself.

Olivia began with statistics.

One-hundred percent of special victims had access to the Center's services. Seventy percent showed up for an initial consultation, and half of those clients, mostly women and children with limited means, continued to utilize the various programs available via the Center's vast network of partners. Everything, every visit to a psychologist or trauma specialist or day care center or career counselor, was free of charge, no questions asked. Olivia's voice caught when she drove home this point. G felt Noah tense. He didn't like to see his mother upset, even if the root cause was something positive.

"These are people's lives," Olivia said, a hint of desperation in her tone, "People who would otherwise have to figure out how to take care of their homes, their children, and go to work so they can afford to take care of their homes and their children can get the help they need without fear of financial hardship. Justice, at best, ends with an arrest or conviction, but there can be years, if not decades of healing, which, until very recently, was a neglected or forgotten piece of the process. Healing should not be a sacrifice. It should not be more of an ordeal, more traumatizing, or more humiliating than the crime itself. Finding the Center is easy, confidential, and your support helps to make it accessible for all."

Noah nodded in agreement and clapped along with the audience. He smiled. Teared up. G was conflicted. Should she take him to Ed? Text Sarah or Brooke? But, she didn't have to worry for long. As quickly as Noah teared up, he cracked up, because Olivia followed the most heavy, heartfelt moment of her speech with a lighthearted barb about Fin and Rollins, who were now first and second in command at SVU. G did not believe Noah actually understood the joke, but everyone else was laughing so he joined in.

Olivia concluded with a final, sincere thank you and call to action, but she certainly appeared relieved, at least to G, to leave the stage and take her seat next to Ed who hugged and kissed her, pride spilling from every pore in his body. He was so overcome, he scooted closer to Olivia so their chairs touched and put his arm around her shoulders. He kissed the side of her head, one, twice, and a third time before he managed to regain control of himself. But he didn't take his arm away.

"Wow," G murmured, forgetting for a second Noah was right there.

"Yeah," he said, "It was a good speech."

G chuckled. "Want to go give your Mom a hug?"

"Can I?"

Olivia's remarks were the evening's capstone. Music played from the speakers while the band set up. There had been no rule about Noah coming out to join the adults, but there were no other kids in attendance. Noah was going home soon, back to the apartment where Jessie's nanny was probably watching movies while the twins and Rollins' two kids slept. G wondered how Maggie and Wyatt handled an unfamiliar person watching them and putting them to bed. With all the activity in the home earlier, she doubted Ed and Olivia got them to sleep before they left.

"G?"

"Oh, sorry," G took his hand, "C'mon. I bet your Mom would love to see you."

"Prolly."

Laughing, G led him out to the main room. As soon as he saw Olivia he ran over for a huge hug. She twirled around in a circle and whispered in his ear. When she put him down, he ran over and informed G he was staying at the table until it was time for him to leave. G said okay and turned to go backstage, but Noah returned.

"I gotta say thanks to da guys," he said, sliding past her.

"Yeah, um, okay," G said, a tad bewildered.

Noah returned in a minute with a hug for G. "Thanks," he said, "It was fun bein' your sistant."

"It was fun," G said, finding herself choked up, "You can be my assistant anytime."

Noah grinned.

"Go have more fun," G said."

"See ya later, alligator!"

"After while , crocodile!" G grinned as he trotted off but frowned at the pit in her stomach that was rapidly forming. Having Noah around had been more enjoyable than she predicted it would be. It took the edge off. And now he was with his family, where he should be, and in an hour would be in his bed, safe, looking out at the sliver of skyline visible from his window, and drifting off into the deep sleep reserved for children and those with clear, joy-filled minds.

…

Carisi struggled to keep up with his boss' pace as they walked from the courthouse to somewhere uptown. He wasn't sure of her intended destination, but he was going home. It was late afternoon, they were both off duty for the evening, and he got the sense she was in a hurry. But it wasn't the familiar single-mom type of rush often characterizing her departures from the office. He and Rollins and Fin had been joking, much to the confusion of Sergeant Dodds, that maybe a blast from the past, perhaps Cassidy, was back in the picture, because even though their schedules had been grueling, Benson was not only on top of her game, she had a noticeable extra spring in her step and her confidence. Something was different.

"Lieutenant, I, um," Carisi stammered, losing his breath, running on adrenaline, and feeling like a little kid scraping for forbidden knowledge. "How are things?" The question, weak and awkward, did not faze the Lieutenant.

"Things?"

"You know, outside of work, those things."

"They're good, Carisi," Olivia replied with finality.

"Oh, good. That's good that you're good."

Olivia checked her watch and waited impatiently for the light to change. They crossed the street and she paused at the subway stairs—the start of Carisi's commute home. "So, I'll see you tomorrow," she said.

"Ok," Carisi replied, smiling slyly.

Olivia's expression didn't change until he was out of sight. Of course her detectives sensed there was love in her life. She could no longer hide it. Though her independence and strength were personal points of pride, she loved being in a relationship. She craved being loved and desired, especially by Ed. He was unassuming yet unabashedly devoted to her and to Noah-attentive, thoughtful, kind. And, she could not avoid admitting he was, by far, the best lover she'd ever had. Yes, Carisi was right. It was good to be good.

She stopped outside of the previously agreed upon meeting place and called Lucy. While she listened to the day's updates, Ed arrived. He held her elbow and kissed her cheek before motioning that he would go in and grab seats. Olivia asked Lucy to wait to feed Noah, telling her "Ed and I will be home in an hour" so breezily she didn't fully realize all the significance wrapped up in the simple sentence until she'd placed her phone back into her trench coat pocket and gone inside.

"You do something different with your hair?" Ed asked after he'd kissed her hello for a second time.

"No," Olivia twirled a section of her brown locks, "Windblown."

"Looks different. I like it." Ed smirked, certain the reason he liked her hair was because that's how it looked after he'd made love to her.

"Thank you. How was your day?"

"Can't complain. Yours?"

"Court."

Ed grunted.

"Exactly," Olivia said, "I never thought I'd get here."

"I'm glad ya made it," Ed spoke sweetly, softly, and leaned in for a kiss. "And wait 'til you taste what I'm makin' for dinner tonight. Noah didn't eat yet, did he?"

"He didn't," Olivia raised an eyebrow, genuinely curious but also knowing the move drove Ed nuts, "What's on the menu, Captain?"

"It's a surprise," he replied, "But I need to stop at the market before we go hom-uh-back." His face reddened.

Olivia smiled knowingly. "I did the same thing. A few minutes ago. With Lucy."

"Kinda came naturally."

Olivia faced him and took his hands in hers. "I'm okay with that," she said.

"Good. So am I."

"So, what'd you say was for dinner?"

"Nice try, Benson," Ed retorted, shaking his head. "That's between me and Food Network, at least for the next hour or so."

"Food Network, huh?"

"Yeah. One of the clerks at the office leaves the magazines in the break room. I picked one up. Gonna be delicious."

The image of Ed surreptitiously taking the magazine made Olivia laugh. "I'm picturing you with it rolled up under your arm and looking both ways before running back to your office."

"Except for the running part, you would be right," Ed replied, "More of a power walk."

"Somehow that's even funnier."

"I can probably get surveillance footage for ya," he said, leaning closer to her.

"Not necessary." She tugged at his lapel, "Especially when I have you live in person right here. Are you going to narrate while you cook? Like on the shows?"

"Sure, if that's something you'd like to see."

"Oh, I'd really like to see it."

"Careful," he warned playfully, "You may have just put me on a second career path."

"Maybe," Olivia replied, "We'll see how tonight goes before we send a demo tape to the networks."

They joked for a few minutes about names for the show and how Olivia and Noah might be involved. It was pure frivolity, and when it ran its course, Olivia paused to appreciate how nice it was to be able to have such a lighthearted conversation—important yet of no consequence. She and Ed were doing this a lot lately—taking time to have fun with each other rather than routinely retell the details of their workdays. They were no longer two cops seeing one another when it was convenient. They were building a relationship totally separate from work, and this was why Olivia approached each day with a newfound sense of purpose and optimism. She felt it, and, apparently, Carisi and others noticed. It was one of the amusing ironies about she and Ed falling in love—who would've ever imagined Captain Tucker's presence would be invigorating for her career?

The thought made Olivia chuckle.

Ed didn't ask what was so funny, but he regarded her with a smirk, as if he were reading her mind. Olivia always laughed like that when she acknowledged bits and pieces of their relationship. He touched his leg to hers, pretended to watch the sports highlights airing on one of the flatscreens, and mentally listed the ingredients they would need to purchase at the market on their way home.

…..

Olivia tilted her head back as Ed massaged her shoulders. Her benefit dress, shoes, and jewelry were gone, put back in their places, and she wore her typical bedtime wear-one of Ed's old, shapeless t-shirts and a pair of cotton shorts. It was late. After the benefit, they let Sarah talk them into a nightcap, and they were having such a nice time they found themselves frantically and apologetically texting Rollins' nanny who didn't seem the least bit bothered by the extended stay on the Tuckers' couch. The little ones had been allowed to sleep under a makeshift tent constructed between the twins' beds, and Olivia whispered to Ed to leave Maggie and Wyatt in their cloud of pillows instead of moving them. Surrounded by their blankets and a few sheets from the linen closet, they appeared as angelic as ever. Olivia lingered a while until Ed gently tugged at her elbow, kissed her cheek, and led her to their room.

"I shoulda got us a room for tonight," he whispered.

Olivia suppressed a yawn, turned around, and put her arms around him. "I'm so tired," she said, "It would have been a waste of a romantic evening."

Ed nodded. He hated to have to agree, but Olivia was right. He could barely keep his eyes open. He kissed Olivia's head and nudged her toward the bed. After turning out the lights and leaving the door cracked an inch or so, he slid under the covers, kissed Olivia again, and held her face in his hands. "I am so proud of you," he said softly.

Her mouth curled into a languid smile. "I had to stop looking at you while I was speaking tonight," she said, "You looked so proud. Your eyes…you couldn't stop smiling. That expression…it always…warms my heart, makes me nervous, but, a good nervous. A nervous kind of like, when," Olivia sighed, frustrated she couldn't find the right words, "The feeling you get right before you know something good and life changing is about to happen."

Ed tucked a piece of her hair behind her ears, "I know what you mean," he whispered. "I just hope you know, everyone there tonight, they were really listening, Liv. They were sitting up in their seats and hearing you. I'm glad you still have a voice in the fight. You're still a player, even if it's in a different way. Because it'd be a shame if you weren't. I guess, I…I guess I've always been amazed at how you have such purpose. And you always will."

Olivia smiled and gazed at him from the other side of the pillow they were sharing. "You have a way of seeing a lot of grace and beauty in ugly work."

"Only 'cause you bring those parts to it." He pulled her closer for another kiss then wrapped her in his arms. "Goodnight, Olivia Margaret. I love you."

…..

Noah heaved himself out of the pool and frowned at his parents' set up. They had drinks for themselves—a beer and a pina colada—but nothing left for the kids. Ed apologized. Noah grinned and tossed a few barbs at his parents about the oversight. There were no poolside servers in the area, so Noah volunteered to go to the snack bar on the other side of the pool deck. Ed told him to charge the items to the room but gave him his card just in case. Noah held it up, and the expression on his face suggested he was thinking about all the things he could buy with his phone while he was alone with the card for a few minutes.

Olivia watched as he made his way out of one area and into another. The two pool decks were enclosed in the same area but were separated by shrubbery and vines meant to mimic a tropical jungle. Olivia couldn't see Noah after he crossed over to the other side. She rolled her head toward Ed and murmured, "Am I ever going to stop worrying about him?"

Ed reached over for her hand. Olivia did not spend her days in a perpetual state of concern when he was at school or a practice or out with his friends, but there were times when her protective instincts kicked into overdrive. He scanned the area and immediately pinpointed the trigger. On the other side of the pool, sitting on the shallow end steps, was a woman in a floppy hat who resembled the last version of Sheila Porter they had seen. The woman was innocuously reading a book while her two teenagers skipped a ball back and forth across the water. Ed was certain Olivia had seen her.

"He's okay," Ed replied, holding up his phone. A purchase alert had popped onto the screen. Apparently the snack bar attendant denied Noah's request to charge the drinks to the room. Or, it was also likely Noah simply wanted to use the card. A minute later Noah returned with three bottles of water and one styrofoam cup which immediately became a point of sibling conflict.

"Hey!" Maggie said as soon as she got out of the pool. She skipped over, dripping, and squinted at Noah's drink. "You gotta daiquiri! I want one!"

"Me too," Wyatt said. He joined them a few seconds later with his goggles still over his eyes. He clutched their dive sticks, concerned other kids would take over their game. "But I want Mango, not strawberry."

"Dad," Maggie held out her hand, "C'I have da card?"

Olivia and Ed were not often shocked by their children, but the three of them, especially the eight-year-olds, were surprisingly familiar with the different types of daiquiris and Maggie's card request had come a little too breezily. Ed and Olivia smiled, and they were about to offer to take the twins to get their own drinks when Noah spoke up.

"I ordered for you," he said to his siblings, "But they didn't have drink carriers so the guy's gonna bring them." He looked over his shoulder, "See? There he is now."

Sure enough, a waiter weaved his way along the patio with two drinks on a tray. He spotted Noah and served Maggie and Wyatt with a flourish. One mango. One strawberry. The twins happily took their first sips, then thanked Noah.

"Careful," he said sagely, "You're gonna get a brain freeze."

"How'd you know what kind of daiquiris they have?" Ed asked.

"Last night," Wyatt answered, "They were on the menu at dinner."

"Yeah," Maggie chimed in, "We can read, Daddy!"

"Hey, dial down the sass," he sat up and jostled Maggie. She giggled, fell into his lap, and added to her response, "Da food took a 'ternity so we read da WHOLE menu!"

"Oh, good, so you know what you want for dinner tonight then."

"Yep!"

Ed didn't have time to ask about her choice. She took another swig of the frozen drink, put the cup on the table, and sprinted back to the pool. She twisted in the air as she jumped in, surfaced, and shouted for Wyatt to toss the dive sticks back in the water. He stood on the edge, drink in one hand, sticks in the other, and threw them like darts, each one a little farther away from where Maggie was swimming.

Noah sat on the edge of Olivia's chaise. A few minutes later, a whirring sound caught his and a few other kids' attention. He smiled broadly. "The water slide's open," he said, tightening his bracelet which allowed him and the other guests access to the resort's premium areas. "Can we go?"

"Sure," Olivia said, "Do you have your Go Pro? I'm going to get some pictures of you coming down."

"Yep—in Dad's bag."

Olivia found the camera. Noah and the twins were already rushing to the line. "Are you coming in with me?" She asked Ed.

"I was gonna try the slide," he replied.

Olivia grinned and held out her hands to help him up. "Alright, Captain, let's go."

"We can't let the kids have all the fun," he said, "Just don't lose the Go Pro. We don't wanna get in trouble."

Olivia laughed because Ed was not kidding. Noah had always taken very good care of his belongings and kept them in pristine condition. The Go Pro had been purchased with money he earned doing odd jobs last spring, and he collected footage from boat and jet skis all summer. At the end of each day, he cleaned the device and put it back in its case. Once, after Ed used it to record the kids coming back to the house at dusk, he left it exposed on the porch table. When Noah discovered it there he groaned and put it away. Ed felt guilty because Noah blamed one of the other kids, but he didn't fess up.

At the water slide line, Ed and Olivia cut in front of their kids.

"Hey!" Wyatt said, "You're going?"

"Yup," Ed replied. "We're gonna test it out first."

"I didn't know old people were 'lowed," Maggie said.

Olivia pointed at the required height sign, "We're tall enough," she said, "So I think we're allowed."

"I bet we're faster than you," Noah said.

"I'm gonna race Mom," Ed retorted, "Then I'll show ya who's fastest."

The kids immediately began organizing the different combinations of two-person heats ahead. They created a point system and prizes in a matter of minutes. By the time each Tucker had taken their first turn, plans for the water slide wars had been finalized and agreed upon by three of five members, a split all too familiar to the older members of the voting bloc.

…

Maggie was the first child awake the morning after the benefit, and, having been unsuccessful in waking Wyatt, made her way into her parents' bedroom. She skillfully wedged a foot between the mattress and box spring and heaved herself on top of Olivia's legs. "Hi baby girl," Olivia cooed, the sleep still heavy in her voice, "Good morning!"

"You got home!" Maggie said after she shimmied to the pillows.

"Yes," Olivia finger-combed Maggie's wild, "Did you have fun last night?"

"We made a tent an' ee'pahcorn!"

"Oh! That sounds like a good night!"

Maggie rattled off a few more details. The group played with dolls, did a puzzle, played a game of hide and seek, and created some artwork on the large drawing tablets Olivia kept on hand for her crew. It sounded like Jesse, who was closer in age to Noah, concentrated mostly on her electronics and on the TV, but Maggie did say she helped with Barbies. Maggie owned a vast collection of Barbie dolls, every single one of them purchased by Sarah.

Shifting topics on a dime, Maggie flipped herself over and examined Ed's face. "You seep, Dada?"

"Yes," he rasped.

Maggie giggled and pressed her nose to his, "You talkin!"

"I'm talking in my sleep," he said.

Maggie turned back to Olivia, "Dada Kay-zeee!"

"Yes," Olivia said, "He is a little crazy."

"Hey!" Ed opened his eyes and sat up a little, "If I'm crazy, you're crazy," he said, poking Maggie in the side.

She jumped on top of Ed and he bench-pressed her a few times. "Fy me, Daddy! Fy me!"

Ed did his best to fly her while still lying on his back. He crash landed her a few times only for Maggie to shout, "GAIN!"

Olivia glanced at the time. Eight-thirty. Wyatt and Noah were certainly taking advantage of the last day of the weekend. "Maggie, sweetie, what should we do today?"

"See Gamma!"

"We can do that," Olivia said. She got out of bed and ducked into the bathroom. When she returned, she picked up her phone and motioned to Ed she was leaving the room. "I'm going to call your Mom and then G. I didn't get a chance to talk to her last night much at all. Want to see if your mom wants to do a late lunch?"

"Yeah," Ed replied, "Yankees are on later."

"Baseball and a barbecue?"

Maggie jumped on Ed's chest once again. After he absorbed the impact, he lifted his daughter in the air and grinned at his wife. "Sound good." Olivia disappeared down the corridor and Ed dropped Maggie into the heap of pillows.

"GAIN! GAIN!"

"How 'bout we fly to the kitchen for coffee?"

"FY for app'juice."

"Good idea," Ed replied, "You don't seem to need any coffee."

….

#Tuckson