205.

One day, many years after second grade had come and gone, Noah Porter Benson Tucker would look back on memories of Grandma Caroline's house as some of the best times he ever had in his life. Her narrow backyard, bordered on two sides by a rickety stockade fence, and on the other two by the garage, driveway, and deck, could become, with some imagination, any place in the world. Sometimes it was outer space, other times it was prehistoric terrain with "dinos" plodding among them. The garage occasionally became a castle, the blacktop driveway a ring of fire, and more than once a dragon was thought to have lived under the porch. And, on this particular Sunday, the yard hosted a circus featuring Pearl, the almost-two-year-old Labrador, who was given the dual part of Giggo the Elephant and Tiger (name courtesy of Maggie and Wyatt).

"Thanks for letting us crash your party, Livvie," Sarah said. She was sitting next to Justin on one of the old wire chairs Caroline refused to toss. She twisted and fidgeted. "Gawd, Grandma, can't you buy some more comfortable seating?"

"Oh stop it," Caroline retorted with a wave of her hand, "So fussy. Those chairs are excellent for your back! You don't want to be all hunched over when you get to be my age, do you?"

Sarah easily relented, "I suppose not."

"I'll leave them to you," Caroline added sassily.

"Lovely."

The matriarch of the family turned to Olivia and patted her knee, "You make a lot of money last night?" She asked.

"I think so," Olivia replied, "I'll go over the final numbers this week sometime with G, but I'm sure we at least met the goal."

"Good. Sarah sent me pictures—I love your dress, you all looked beautiful."

"Thank you," Olivia squeezed Caroline's hand. The older woman had been invited to the benefit but, citing the late night, declined. Olivia hoped there wasn't more to the explanation. It had been a late night, but Caroline had been out late with everyone before. Maybe she didn't want to burden anyone with a ride back to Riverdale or a night in someone's guest room. Maybe the formal event wasn't really of interest to her. Whatever the reason, Olivia continued to look for signs that Caroline was trying to hide the fact she wasn't feeling one-hundred percent.

Noah bounded up the steps. His face was red and his hair was damp with perspiration. "Mommy," he said, "We need a trapeze."

"Honey, I don't think we can make a trapeze out of anything in the yard." To convince Noah she genuinely wanted to help, she took an extra long look past him and into the yard. The twins were doing somersaults with Pearl bounding back and forth at their sides. There were ride-on toys, the golf set, and an assortment of balls, but no apparatus that could mimic a trapeze.

"Uh-huh," Noah protested, "Over there!" He pointed past the fence to an old, metal, T-shaped post that once served as one end of a laundry line.

"That old rusty thing?" Sarah said, "Noey, you'll need eight tetanus shots if you go near it!"

"Yeah bud," Ed chimed in, "We're gonna have to nix the trapeze act. We can't swing from that pole. It might come crashing down on ya."

Noah took a minute to consider everyone's objections. "Yeah," he finally said, "That would be ugly."

The adults chuckled.

"Guess we're just gonna do acrobatics," he said. "And elephant rides and lion taming."

"Sounds like a good circus to me," Justin said. He jostled Noah's shoulders. "You think you tamed Pearl?"

Noah twisted his lips and peered into the yard, "I dunno," he answered slowly, "She's kinda hyper! But she follows some commands…like she sits, and she always barks, so dat one's easy!"

"When's showtime, bud?" Ed asked.

Noah looked at his watch. "Ten minutes."

"Good timing. Game's about to start."

"Yep!"

Noah trotted back to the yard. Caroline smiled at him while she found the station airing the baseball game. Each spring she had John or Ed come over and mount a small flat screen panel on the side of the porch so she could enjoy watching the Yankees on her patio and deck. Sarah and Brooke helped string small globe lights around the railings. Eighty-something-year-old Caroline had one of the best party backyards on the block.

"He knew what time the game starts," Caroline murmured. "That's my boy. Precious old soul."

"Fastidious," Sarah said.

"Great word," Justin quipped.

"I remember it being on a vocabulary list..maybe in tenth grade," she said, "And I don't think I've used it since."

"Well, it's dead on for Noah," Ed remarked.

"Absolutely," Olivia agreed.

"Eddie, you've always been fastidious, so, no wonder," Caroline said, "I know you don't want more police officers in the family, but Noah might be the next one!"

Olivia laughed along with everyone else. She and Ed often tossed around ideas for their kids' futures, and they acknowledged, of the three, Noah had the disposition closest to someone who would join the force. Yet, Noah's inclination toward kindness and idealism, his natural optimism and happy-go-lucky nature always led to his parents concluding police life might dishearten him before he got in too deep.

The thought consuming Olivia's mind, though, was not terror at Noah or one of the twins carrying a gun and badge. It was appreciation for Caroline and how she never hesitated to recognize and point out one of Ed's traits manifesting itself in Noah. She did it for all five of them, but as soon as she met Noah, he became a Tucker. Caroline may have seen Noah as Ed's son before he did.

"Olivia, you're not all that fastidious…are you?" Caroline asked, bringing Olivia back to the conversation.

"Not as much now," Olivia replied.

"She was fastidious as hell on the force," Ed added, making no secret of how formidable a cop she had been.

"Now I'm just enjoying letting things go," Olivia said, "Or trying to…and letting my kids do whatever they want even if…God, Ed, they're a mess."

Everyone followed her eyes to the yard. The combination of somersaults in the grass and Pearl jumping on them with muddy paws had resulted in two very dirty three-year-olds. As ringmaster and lead lion tamer, Noah had managed to stay fairly clean.

"We'll hose 'em down later," Sarah said, "And I think I've seen worse."

"Oh, hey," Ed said breezily, "Ma, did we tell you about the twins' tattoos?"

"I don't believe you did."

"Well allow me to entertain you with that story."

…

The resort was so family friendly that the on-site Irish Pub offered trivia night geared toward kids sixteen and under. When the Tucker trio heard about this from their server, they hustled to the corner of the room where the game host was set up with answer sheets and golf pencils. He explained the rules, handed over the items, and wished them luck.

Maggie whirled around on her heel and informed the man that they had the luck of the Irish and also, they didn't necessarily need it, because the Irish were very clever. "That's what Grandma always said, right Noah?"

"Right," Noah had agreed as he exchanged a grin with the host who appeared to understand life with an outspoken sister.

Wyatt, meanwhile, was brainstorming ideas for a team name.

Ed and Olivia sat back, sipped pints of Guinness, and watched their brood scoot their chairs close together and remind each other to keep voices down when they discussed answers. They even ordered nachos so they could share and not worry about having to concentrate on three separate plates. Wyatt actually said this out loud and Olivia beamed. Ed put his arm around her and whispered, "We did good, Liv."

"We did," she murmured.

"But Wyatt actually got that idea from me," he said, "I always suggested sharing food when I wanted to be closer to you."

Olivia shook with gentle laughter. "You're so full of—wait—you did do that, didn't you?"

"The first time we ever shared a meal…after that, I always looked for an excuse to share something. I loved it. I still do."

"So what are we sharing tonight, Captain?"

Ed picked up the menu and squinted. He left his reading glasses in the room but managed to find the dish he'd spotted earlier. "Yeah, here," he tapped the appetizer section, "Boxty quesadilla. Ever had one?"

"I've had your mother's boxty," Olivia replied, "But not in quesadilla format."

"They're delicious."

"I'm on board." Olivia kissed Ed on a lips a couple of times and smiled. The pub was loud and the trivia announcer was starting the game, listing the first categories, and the kids were laying out strategy. They were certain history would be a lock. Sports was a close second. Science, well, Wyatt was not at all sure of himself in that area, but ever-confident Maggie assured him they would be fine. After all, they always won awards at the annual Science and Technology Fair. Ed snuck a thigh squeeze and smirked at the shiver only he could detect, and Olivia sighed contentedly. She was in love with every single bit of their life.

The kids breezed through the first two sets of questions and predicted victory. Knowing better, Ed and Olivia cautioned them about getting too cocky. It was a warning Maggie, Wyatt, and Noah had heard many times before. Work hard. Nothing is a sure thing. See it all through to the end. In this case, Ed warned, "Don't cheer so much that you're missing the next question. Listen."

"Yeah!" Maggie hissed under her breath and leaned in toward her brothers. "Shhh…focus."

Wyatt and Noah smiled. Maggie had certainly been told to focus enough times to know when the advice was required.

"And, in Geography," The announcer began the third round, "The Titanic's final European port of call was in a place now called Cobh. Cobh is in what country?"

Maggie rolled her eyes.

Noah smiled triumphantly and nodded at Ed. The questions certainly were getting more challenging for others, but not for the Tuckers. Wyatt was the only one showing a bit of hesitation.

"You better put Republic of Ireland," he said, "Just so he knows we know."

Noah held up the pencil in agreement.

"How old is he again?" Olivia whispered to Ed.

"Eight," Ed replied, "He's eight. I'm pretty sure."

"Amazing…"

Ed nuzzled her cheek and whispered, "He takes after you."

…..

Ed frowned. The kids were in bed. It was early. He had a new pumpkin spiced whiskey in the nightstand, and they had the rest of the night, a good four hours, to themselves. Olivia, though, was preoccupied and distracted. He could tell the minute he started kissing her. Sensing the half-heartedness, he pulled back, apologized, and made some room between them.

"Honey…" Olivia put a hand on the side of his face. "It's not, I, I, I keep thinking about how I never got one-on-one time with G. I didn't thank her. It was such a beautiful night…and it's now been almost two days and nothing."

"Give her a call," Ed suggested.

"You don't mind?" Olivia asked, puckering her lips.

"Of course not. Go," Ed gave her a little shove, "I'll be right here when you're done."

"Okay."

Her response was delivered in a deep, raspy tone which made Ed shiver. He turned on the television and half-watched baseball playoff highlights while Olivia was out of the room. The Yankees had won. They were moving on to the World Series. And he was determined to use every single contact he had to get tickets so he could take his mother to a game. Caroline had a passion for the Yankees rooted in more than neighborhood pride or a love of the sport. Upon arriving in the United States, rooting for the Yankees made her feel like she belonged, and it provided common ground with people in the neighborhood. Team not playing well? You could grouse about the slump. Team on a winning streak? You walked with your head a little higher. Ed was certain the Yankees would never get to another World Series in Caroline's lifetime, so, yes, he needed tickets, good tickets, and he compulsively checked his email to see if anyone had replied with good news.

Ed scrolled, and, before he could hunt for baseball-related replies, he saw a message with the subject Congratulations. Seeing the sender's name made Ed screw up his face in confusion. Why would this guy email him and not Olivia? How did he even know Ed's personal email address?

Olivia returned before Ed could read the email. He tossed the phone aside as soon as she climbed back into bed. "G and I are meeting for coffee tomorrow morning," she said, "Want to come?"

Ed kissed her lips because it was clear that's what Olivia wanted and smiled. "Nah…"

"Sure?"

"I think I make her nervous."

Olivia threw her head back and laughed, careful not to be too loud. When she calmed down she stroked the side of his head and made sure the sympathy was etched on her face. "Lingering occupational hazard," she said softly. "But if it makes you feel any better you no longer make me nervous."

"No?"

"No."

"Well that's all that matters then." He sat up, kissed her deeply, and eased her onto her back. "But, while we're on the subject, you still make me nervous."

"Still?"

"You always will," Ed admitted with not the least hint of shame, "And I'm totally fine with that."

…

Ed was surprised to see Olivia still awake when he opened his eyes after having dozed off for what, judging by the news, about fifteen minutes. It had felt like she was asleep against his chest, but upon glancing down he noticed her eyes wide open but not exactly focused on the screen. At first, Ed worried his cooking had maybe given her heartburn or an upset stomach, but, by now, he knew the dull, distant look in her eyes meant there was something more bothering her than the spice level of the chicken shawarma bowls they'd eaten earlier.

"Hey," he kissed her head. "Want to go to bed?"

Olivia took a deep breath but didn't immediately respond.

"Or want me to take off? Or stay right here?"

"I'm sorry," Olivia said, "You're tired."

"So are you," he stroked her upper arm, "But…"

Olivia jolted up and faced him. Ed blinked, taken aback by the sudden movement when they'd been more or less still for almost an hour. "Do you know what I did today?" She asked.

Ed shook his head and shrugged, "You said court?"

"Yes, but, before that…I was one phone call away from having a woman, a mother, deported. Can you believe that? I actually picked up the phone and was going to have immigration come and take her from my office."

Stunned, Ed replied, "Uh…we, well, no…I can't believe that. And," he reached for her hands and was taken aback by how her fingers almost magnetically fused to his. "You said you were one phone call away. So you didn't do it. But, if I know anything about Olivia Benson, it's that she doesn't play hardball for no reason."

Olivia's shoulders slumped, which constituted progress. She'd been tense all day, ever since she nearly poured a heaping dose of salt on a family's raw wounds.

"It must have been necessary," Ed continued, more softly, "It's heartbreaking sometimes, but it's the bigger picture that matters. The law doesn't get that. Ethics doesn't always get that."

"I think I was going to do it," Olivia said.

"You don't know that for sure."

"How many times did I leave a room where Stabler or someone else had roughed up a perp or threatened that he'd kill him and been disgusted? I did the same thing."

"No you didn't."

"I don't think she would've seen the difference."

"Maybe not," Ed replied, "At least not now. But, long term, you may have done her a favor. Whoever she was involved with, wrapped up in, she was probably trapped, if you're involved, who knows what she'd been through and what you, through some ugly methods, may have helped her escape."

"Escape…"

"Yeah."

Ed noticed a shift in her mood and her general disposition, and he took great pride in that he had a part in not only relieving much of her stress but also nudging her into a state where he could collect her into his arms, hold her for the rest of the night, and just sit in silence, together, until they fell asleep.

"I suppose we all need escapes," Olivia murmured.

"You've been mine," Ed said without thinking.

"Funny," Olivia said, "I was thinking the same thing."

A few silent seconds passed. Ed rested the side of his face on top of Olivia's head. He listened to her breathe and watched how his arms rose and fell with each inhale and exhale. "I love escaping with you, Liv," he said, hoping he wasn't sounding too corny or too desperate.

To his delight, Olivia replied, "I wouldn't mind escaping with you forever."

Ed beamed. "Me neither," he whispered into her hair and repeated, "Me neither."

…

G arrived at the coffee shop meeting with Olivia armed with graphs and spreadsheets and everything else a person with Olivia's stature and position should have been interested in after a fundraiser. But Olivia, after giving G a huge hug, politely slid the neatly arranged binder aside. She did mention she was thrilled the Center could depend on this yearly event to boost their coffers and ensure full time, qualified staffing, but it didn't take long for Olivia to pivot to more personal matters.

"I am so amazed at what you pulled off," Olivia said, "Not because I didn't have faith in you but because there is so much you're carrying with you, and you did this all on your own—"

"—I did have some help from Noah," G pointed out.

"You did," Olivia replied with a smile, yet, she wasn't going to let G get away with changing the subject. "I know you made a lot of sacrifices, had a lot of late nights and early mornings to pull this off. And I am so, so appreciative."

G smiled but stared at her hands. It wasn't like she had done everything for free. But she knew Olivia's words contained deeper meaning. "It went better than I predicted. Your speech was great. Everything, really, was fantastic. And the venue…it added…even if something was terrible, you can't beat the view."

"Ed shares the sentiment…he kept looking outside."

"That's hard to believe." G clasped a hand to her mouth. She couldn't believe it. She had become Sarah. "I mean, your dress…you just…you were stunning." She was embarrassed yet slightly relieved she'd finally been able to articulate her admiration for the woman sitting across from her. G had spent many sleepless nights Googling old news articles that mentioned Olivia Benson. She read all about the heroics and her worst moments. G had also read her book twice and often picked it up to re-read passages she found especially powerful or inspiring. And, the truth was, everything about Olivia was stunning—her work, her life, the way she treated everyone with kindness and an open mind and heart even though she had every reason not to do so.

Olivia made G feel at ease. She laughed and acknowledged how Ed's jaw had dropped when he first saw her in the dress. "It was a total stroke of luck to find it," Olivia said of the gown, "We were wandering in and out of some shops, not really looking for anything, and there it was."

"That's the best," G said, "When the clothes find you."

"Absolutely." Olivia removed her cardigan finding it stuffy in the confines of the small cafe. "So, what are you working on now?"

"Fall fundraisers for a couple of different schools," G replied, "Noah told me about his fall festival, but it was so funny, he scrunched up his face and told me he didn't think it was for making money that it was just for fun."

"He would be right," Olivia replied, "But I recall forking over some cash for game tickets and cotton candy, so not all fun. But certainly not in the scope of what you do."

Worried she'd insulted G for snubbing the financials, Olivia took back the binder and paged through. She skimmed the figures, hunting for bottom lines, and murmured that their bookkeeper would be thrilled. "Honestly, I'm not a finance person," she said, "I have very little to do with the operating costs of the Center. I simply tell her to offer competitive salaries so we attract the most qualified people."

"So important," G mumbled.

"I always hated having to send people into the labyrinth of services after they left my office," Olivia said, "And that's what we're trying to fix. At the very least they go into a warm, welcoming environment. Hey," Olivia cocked her head and narrowed her eyes, "Have you actually seen the building?"

"No," G said, "Not in person. I…I guess I should have visited…"

"Let's go there now," Olivia was already pushing her chair back and starting to stand up.

"Um, okay…"

"If you have time."

G nodded. "I do…and I'd like to see it." She had a suspicion that Olivia was both playing tour guide and reminding G that she, too, could take advantage of the Benson Center's resources. Either way, she was delighted to spend a little more time with Olivia. G hoped, one day, to emulate her grace and strength.

"Gosh it's a nice day," Olivia said, tossing her hair with the wind and sliding on her aviators.

G looked up. All around them, buildings glistened in the sun. The breeze reminded her it was autumn. Up ahead, at a small corner park, she saw leaves on the trees beginning to change color. All around them, people seemed invigorated, happy, and cheerful. It was a nice day, G agreed. And, maybe, just maybe, she could, for a couple hours, forget about everything else, follow Olivia's lead, and appreciate it.

…..

Ed collected the twins from preschool and headed directly to the pub where they were meeting Brooke and Sofia for lunch. Even though Brooke and Sonny were settled in their Brooklyn neighborhood, she kept a few ties to the old neighborhood. One of those was the family dentist. She and Sarah refused to let anyone else clean their teeth. Even though their first dentist had retired, his daughter and son took over the practice, and as new Tuckers entered the world, they also became patients there. Ed ushered the twins inside and they immediately spotted Brooke, Sofia, and a surprise guest, Aidan.

"Who you?" Maggie asked as she climbed into the booth.

Wyatt noticed a familiar bag peeking out of Brooke's larger tote. "New toobruss!" He said. "You getta toobruss, Bookey!"

Aidan, slightly hurt Maggie didn't recognize him, gamely extended a hand in her direction. "I'm Aidan," he said, "Remember me?"

Maggie shook his hand playfully, grinned, and cocked her head to the side. As she did so, she caught a view of the side of Aidan's neck. She giggled and pointed. "Tattoo!" She exclaimed, climbing over Brooke toward Aidan to get a closer look.

"Uh-oh," Ed grumbled good-naturedly before smiling at Aidan. The boy certainly had changed his appearance since the last time he'd seen him. He was dressed in all black—the dark clothing contrasted with his pale skin, had grown his hair to shoulder-length, and, yes, sported not only one but two tattoos. Ed quickly explained how the twins had drawn on themselves in preschool which made Aidan smile. Doing his best not to stare, Ed hunted around for a hint of his ex-wife's features in his face, but Aidan didn't resemble her at all.

Aidan might have been trying to present himself as edgy and aloof, but Maggie and Wyatt easily disarmed him. They piled into his lap and at his side and examined the ink on his neck and left forearm. Ed offered to take the twins, but Aidan waved him off and explained every detail of the art to his fascinated audience.

Ed turned to Brooke, "I'm gonna have to search them for markers before they go to school tomorrow," he joked.

"Preschool pat down."

"Good one," he said, chuckling.

"They say teachers' kids and cops' kids are the worst."

"We have a table full of problem children then," Ed remarked.

"Hanging out in a pub day drinking," Brooke added.

Ed shrugged and lifted his beer glass, "That's how we roll," he said.

Brooke giggled, "Oh my God Dad…"

"What?"

"Nothing…I…I'm glad…we're here."

Ed's eyes sparkled. "Me too."

…

#Tuckson