206.

Sarah scrutinized the adults waiting for their children or charges outside of Noah's school and congratulated herself for not yet being one of them. Recently, as she approached her thirtieth year, she had started to feel pressure to, in her own words, grow up. She and Justin were perfectly happy and busy and their lives barely had room for their dog let alone a child, but Sarah knew she wanted a child of her own one day. Admitting that was a huge step. Motherhood had never appealed to her until a couple of years ago, and even now she wasn't sure she wanted to give up the independence and the spontaneity she loved so much. One thing was for sure, though. She would never fit in with these hyper involved parents who were chatting about lessons, highly structured play dates, and the latest pediatric nutrition fads.

When the kids began pouring out of the side doors, two consecutive voices, one Noah's and the other Mia's, greeted her with, "Helloooo, Sare Bear!" The two of them, plus another boy, came running over.

"Hi there kiddos," Sarah said, "Are we taking friends with us this afternoon, Noey?"

"No," he replied matter-of-factly, "Mia and Mateo wanted to say hi!"

"Yeah!" Mia said, "I haveta go to dance today!"

"Oh," Sarah grinned, happy to see Mia and her in-your-face way of speaking to everyone, including adults. "What dances are you practicing?"

"Tap." Mia showed off some fancy footwork but frowned, "I don't have my shoes. It's better with my shoes, you get the tap, tap, tap!"

Sarah nodded and turned to the unfamiliar Mateo. If anyone was more handsome than her Noey, it was this little boy. He had curly brown hair, huge brown eyes, and when he flashed a shy smile Sarah wanted to pick him up and bear hug him. "Hello Mateo," she said, "I'm the Sare Bear."

"Hi," he said softly, "You're on Noah's phone."

"Ah," Sarah said, "I'm sure I am, but, Noey, you're not supposed to have the phone in school!"

Noah grinned slyly but said nothing.

Mia's and Mateo's adults wandered over, probably wondering why the two kids were speaking to a stranger. The women were both nannies, but Mia's was different from the one Sarah remembered. She introduced herself, she and Noah said their goodbyes, and they wandered out of the courtyard and in the direction of Sarah's house.

"Where we goin?" Noah asked.

"I think we shall drop off your bag, say hello to Pearl, and go to Little Island. After that, we can eat on the taco boat."

"Da taco boat?"

"Yes, you've never heard of it?"

"No."

"Well, you're in for a treat, young man."

"Sare Bear I thought we were goin' to da transit museum."

"Noey, we cannot waste this weather," Sarah replied, "Always remember that. Never, ever, waste a nice day inside."

"Kay, but, what if you have school?"

"School does not last all day," Sarah held out her arms, "Case in point. You had school. Now we're enjoying the day."

"Alrighty," Noah skipped along.

His backpack bounced on his shoulders. Sarah noticed it was stuffed and looked heavy. "Noey, what on earth do you have in this pack of yours?" She asked, slapping the outer compartment.

"Books."

"Books? Haven't you heard of the Internet?"

Noah laughed, "I got 'em for Wyatt. They don't have a library at preschool and he loves those dinos, so I checked out dinosaur books for him."

"What about small sister?"

"Small sister likes too much stuff! She doesn't have an o'session."

Sarah cracked up and pulled Noah into a side hug as they walked. "You are too funny," she said, "I'm obsessed with you."

…..

Ed jogged into the bedroom. The twins were both clinging to his back, somehow they both still fit there, and Ed approached Olivia with a worried look on his face. "Liv? Liv—I can't find Maggie and Wyatt anywhere! I know you have to get to the set, but I don't know where they are!"

Maggie and Wyatt giggled uncontrollably. Olivia had no idea how they were still holding on.

"Well, I guess we're going to be late," she said.

"I can't figure it out. They were right in front of me, then, boom! They were gone!" He spun around in circles, faster and faster, until he felt the twins start to lose their grip. He hurled them onto the mattress. They popped up and started jumping, and falling, into the pile of pillows at the headboard. "Oh! There you are!"

"We here, Daddy!" Maggie screeched.

"Ah'yer'back!" Wyatt added. "Catch a ride!"

Ed flipped them a few times until Olivia was out of the bathroom and ready to head to the outdoor set at a playground near Chelsea Piers. It was the first time Wyatt was filming outside of the typical set, and Olivia was nervous. She wondered if he would be as good with more distractions. She pictured him chasing birds or begging to go to other parts of the playground. Wyatt was the set darling, and she didn't want geography tarnishing his reputation.

"Alright, let's head out," Ed announced. He and Maggie were tagging along and he had packed a backpack full of snacks, extra clothes, and a blanket. He did not at all think Maggie would patiently wait as Wyatt went through multiple takes, so he came prepared.

When they arrived, the guards, recognizing Olivia and Wyatt, waved their car into an area not open to the public and they went inside. Wyatt walked ahead of them all, knowing exactly where to go, and Ed wondered how the crew would react to almost the entire family showing up. One of the production assistants quickly answered his question—upon seeing Wyatt and his sister, she ran to the smoothie station but not before asking what drink Maggie would like. The showrunner and director came over and reintroduced themselves to Ed—they'd all met before, but Olivia always brought Wyatt.

The production assistant returned and waved Wyatt and Olivia down a corridor, "Want to get him changed? He's in Mets gear today."

Olivia nodded. She knew about the Mets from the script and thought about how happy Wyatt would be to wear the orange and blue. "Do you want to come back?" She asked Ed.

He glanced down the busy corridor and down at Maggie. "How bout we meet you outside? It's the playground right here, right? The one with the creepy slide?"

"That's the one," Olivia replied.

"See you there."

Maggie did not object to being led out of the building. She trotted along, eager to go outside and see the water. "Hey," Ed said when they were on the paved path, "Want to ride the carousel?"

Maggie grinned and raised her arms, "You ride wi'me Dada?"

"Sure, sweetheart."

"HEY!" Maggie stopped in her tracks before Ed could pick her up and pointed south. "NO! NO AN' SAHBEAR!"

Certain she was mistaken, Ed nevertheless followed the path of her tiny index finger. Sure enough, Noah and Sarah were approaching from maybe a hundred feet away. They were absorbed in conversation, maybe even debate, and did not notice Ed and Maggie ahead. Maggie took off, running as fast as her legs could carry her, the pink and white Adidas sneakers Olivia and Ed kept buying her as she grew slapping against the pavement. When Noah finally saw her he ran too and opened his arms wide for a huge hug.

"I don't know how she picked ya out of the crowd," Ed said, a bit breathlessly, when he caught up. He gave Sarah a quick hug.

"Good vision," Sarah said, "A Tucker trait for sure."

"We're goin for TACOS!" Noah said.

"Oh yeah?"

"Tacos, tacos, tacos, tacos," Maggie chanted.

"The taco boat," Sarah said, "Remember? I think I mentioned it last weekend?"

"Oh, yeah, great day for it." Ed put his arm around Noah's shoulders. "How was school, bud?"

"Super good!"

"Super good?"

"Yup! Because we got to use clay to make da skeleton of da human body! And tomorrow we're labeling everrthing! Did you know there are over two-hundred bones in da human body? Kids have more."

"I knew about the over two-hundred part," Ed replied, "I did not know kids have more."

"We don't lose 'em, dey fuse."

"Ah."

"Daddy," Sarah interjected, "I hate to rush your child away from you, but we have a four-thirty ticket and must set sail."

"Oh, sorry, yeah, have fun."

"Do you want to come? I think they had some openings."

"Nah, we're here with the movie star."

"Oh, oh yeah! Where is he? Inside?"

"Yeah, but, I think I just saw a few people starting to come out—they're over there on the playground."

"Not too bad of a living," Sarah said, "Hanging out on the swings…getting paid."

"Not bad at all." Ed looked down at Maggie. She was tugging his wrist and looking longingly at the carousel. "Ready to ride, Maggs?" He asked.

"I ready!"

"Say bye to No and Sare."

"See ya later!" Maggie said.

"We'll bring ya some tacos," Noah said, "But we can't miss da boat!"

"See you tonight," Ed called after Noah and Sarah, "Love you!"

Noah turned around, jogging backwards, and called, "Love you, too Daddy!"

…

Noah rested his arms on the guardrail and gazed across the Hudson River at Jersey City, savoring what might be his last few moments of childhood innocence. A month ago he'd secretly sent a vial of saliva to the most reputable DNA analysis company he could find, hoping to determine whether or not he was, as his grandmother had claimed, pure blooded Irish. He desperately wished to have another few minutes with Caroline. He wanted to see her angular face and spiky hair and feel her wiry hands cup his face and hear her tell him how wonderful he was and how much she loved him. If his grandmother were still alive, he may not have dared to do this DNA test thing, but, then again, he would have eventually gone through with it.

The October breeze was chilly but not unbearable, and the skies were blue. He remembered how Sarah always told him, on their Wednesdays together, that they could not waste nice days. Sarah and Justin and their family were temporarily thousands of miles away, which Noah understood but secretly lamented. He and Sarah were pals and confidantes. They spoke and messaged often, but if Caroline couldn't be here, he would've liked for Sarah to be.

Yet here he was. Alone. With this unopened information in his pocket.

Why? Why did he do this? He and his siblings knew the stories. They had gradually uncovered the details of their parents' careers and of themselves. Noah could not remember a time when he didn't know he was adopted yet he couldn't remember a time when Ed wasn't his father or Olivia wasn't his mother. It was confusing but also made sense. He was happy. Loved. Smart. And he had had every opportunity imaginable. Ellie would have been thrilled. But the Irish lineage question had started to nag at Noah. It had been such a point of pride, but as he got older he began to wonder if, in fact, he was Irish.

He reached into the deep pocket of his field jacket and pulled out the envelope. If this were a movie, maybe Caroline's voice would've played and caused him to shred the pages and toss the contents in the river. But this wasn't a movie and Noah really wanted to know, he had to know.

As soon as the envelope was opened, it didn't take long to find out. Noah's eyes filled with tears. He smiled and then chuckled. He should've never second guessed his grandmother's intuition. He took out his phone and found one of his favorite photos of him and Grandma Caroline—they were in her galley kitchen in the Riverdale house making bread. Caroline had a handful of dough and Noah was looking on with total concentration, listening to every word she said.

"Don't overdo it," she would say, "The recipe says to mix it well, but we don't overmix it. And recipes are for the birds."

Noah folded the results. He would tell his parents later. Not now. For now, he was content with being relieved. And he didn't want his mother worrying. She worried too much in his opinion, but he understood. Maggie got annoyed with the worrying and he suspected Wyatt did, too, but Noah never did. He understood. And he worried, too, more than anyone realized.

Noah tossed the papers in a bin on his way out of the park. He walked tall and proud, an Irishman, on his adopted native land.

…

Olivia didn't bother with the pretense of reading a magazine or scrolling through her phone. She rolled over, half on top of Ed, and started kissing him. He straightened his back and angled his neck so Olivia had more room, but, as usual, he wasn't able to stay passive for long. "I guess we had a good day?" He asked lightheartedly.

"We did." Olivia peeled off his shirt and smiled at the sight of his bare chest. It had only been a few days since they'd made love, but it felt like years. "I missed you."

"Yeah?"

"Yes." She draped herself over his torso and played with his lower lip, "And even if you didn't miss me…I want you."

"Oh I always miss you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Ed lost himself in her hair and her deep kisses. She smelled so good—he had trouble breathing normally and trying to inhale the scent, some kind of fruity but woodsy concoction—he was breathless before they even got started.

"What's that perfume?" He asked as she slid his shorts off.

"I don't know…I must have picked up—" she gasped as Ed started moving his fingers between her legs —"somewhere."

Ed grinned and climbed on top of her. Olivia blinked a few times, overcome once again by the sheer desire on his face and in his eyes. It was clear he was more happy and content than a human being was ever supposed to be. He was in love—and loved—and maybe it was the ever-present novelty of comparing this Ed Tucker with nemesis Ed Tucker, but Olivia found nothing more enticing than the totally smitten version before her now, willing to do anything and everything to ensure she fell asleep satisfied.

Long ago she'd stopped rating their lovemaking. Too many times she'd thought or said it was the best only to have the next time be even better. The truth was, they were made for each other in every single way. It had been a journey to get together, but, after that, their marriage involved no hard work, no dogged determination, all of that happened in the first couple chapters of their story and now they got to enjoy it all, even the tough times, because, no matter what, they had a bond that would never, ever, be broken.

Ed went slowly and methodically tonight. He shifted positions a couple of times, careful to stay in control, accurately sensing Olivia wanted him to take charge and also wanted things to last as long as possible. A second before he came he whispered, "I love you," into her ear and those three words, perhaps coupled with the rasp in his voice and his final few thrusts made her arch her back again, hold on for dear life, and cry out his name.

Ed smirked and breathed heavily into her neck. He remembered telling her once she would be the death of him.

But, the reality was, she had given him life.

….

Olivia spotted Ed pacing in front of her building as soon as the cab turned onto her street. He could have gone up, but the way they parted earlier that day surely had left him discouraged, even bitter, and unsure of himself. His hands were shoved in his jeans pockets, and he wore his heavy pea coat, a garment too stylish for his taste but one he wore anyway. It looked good on him, and a soft spot in Olivia's heart opened, for she knew the coat was a gift from his daughter and he hadn't had the heart to request an exchange.

She greeted him with a friendly "hey" and a quick kiss on the cheek, rushed, for the temperature had dropped and she wanted to get inside. He held the door and followed her into the elevator where they made extremely banal small talk. Yes, they found the missing five-year-old. Yes, the day had been taxing for everyone. Yes, she left the paperwork until tomorrow morning. Some things could wait.

Inside the apartment, after Lucy went home and Olivia went to check on Noah, she noticed Ed still had the wounded look in his eyes. In the past year, she had never snapped at him, lashed out like she did earlier when he suggested they take a quick coffee break. Now she realized he was both missing her and trying to help her clear her head. The case came about quickly and intensely and Ed had always been one to favor stepping back for clarity in the heat of the moment. Sure, there were times this technique wasn't possible, but, in hindsight, Olivia had had fifteen minutes to take a breather. And she didn't have to be so rude.

"I, uh, I won't stay long," he said, taking a chair facing the kitchen while she rummaged around in the cabinets, "I, Liv, about earlier, I'm sorry if I was smothering you, I shouldn't have shown up when I did. I should've known better."

Olivia took a long, deep breath. "Ed…you don't owe me an apology. I was…well…you didn't deserve that."

They stared at each other for at least a minute. Her eyes glistened. His were apologetic, but sparkling.

"I feel like we're not connecting," Olivia finally said, "Well, actually, we aren't connecting. Not like…not like before."

Ed was certain he visibly deflated. "You're right. We're not."

"I…we're so…I don't know…"

"Am I a burden on you, Liv?"

"What?"

"Am I a burden? When you think about me, if you think about me—" Ed cringed. Okay, that barb wasn't necessary. But he couldn't take it back. "—do you feel like I'm someone, something, you have to deal with, someone you have to handle?"

"No…"

"Do you need to take some time? For us to take a step back?" Ed pressed on, which he hated to do, but he needed an answer. He could not continue waking up each morning wondering if today was the day Olivia was going to call it quits. And he knew a "step back" was not a pause but the end.

Olivia's jaw stiffened, and she replied through semi-clenched teeth. "What I need," she sighed and stared at the ceiling, "What I need…" She drifted closer to the counter and leaned forward.

Ed considered this to be a good sign, but he didn't say a word.

"Every single part of me right now, the gloomy parts, the parts that aren't used to…this," she held out her hands, palms up, "You…those pieces of me want to step back. They want to slam on the brakes. But my heart…my heart, Ed…I want more of you, not less. I just can't seem to figure out how to do it sometimes. And I know you need more, and, yes, that's a concern for me. Not a burden, I…I want to be the person you deserve as much as you want to be that for me."

"Hey," he reached for her hands and looked her square in the eyes like only he could. "You remember the second or third night in Paris? The day the jet lag kinda caught up to us and we didn't do much of anything? Just sat around in parks, eating cheese and bread, having wine, Noah running around?"

"I remember."

"That night, the sun was setting, we were walking back to the hotel along the river…the three of us…I don't know about you, but it was one of the best moments of my life, Liv. Everything so simple and perfect."

"You're right."

"That's what I was thinking about today," he said, "Every day I think about that. So if you're busy or stressed or plain tired, just know, that day is what I know to be true about you, about us, even if it seems so long ago and so far away."

Olivia could not stop her chin from shaking. She started crying, sobbing really, from relief, gratitude, and sheer disbelief that someone had the patience and relentlessness to love her. Ed came around and held her tightly. For a long time they swayed together there in the kitchen, the only noise coming from the ice maker occasionally expelling more cubes.

After a while, Olivia finally tilted her head back, revealing a tear-stained but no less beautiful face. "I'm going to get better at this," she said, "I promise."

He smiled, kissed her, and replied, "Me too."

…..

The typical weekday morning in the Tucker household began with Ed waking up, making coffee, and making sure the school bags were in order. He was always careful to be as quiet as possible, mostly because he was certain life owed Olivia at least a few years' worth of sleep but also because none of the kids operated well when they didn't have enough sack time.

A few days after the benefit, Ed crept out of the bedroom earlier than usual. He had not had a great night of sleep, waking up almost every hour, and when he looked over and saw five a.m., he decided to start the day. Instead of starting the coffee, he left the building and strolled to the corner bodega. The neighborhood was as dead as ever, and he took an extra few seconds to appreciate the stillness. He remembered being a beat cop patrolling at this hour, his "day" almost over, and a bit of nostalgia set in. When he started out he made barely enough money to scrape by and was assigned the least desirable shifts, but he had loved the life for a while.

He purchased his coffee and went on his way, opting to walk a bit before heading back home. In a reflective mood, he chuckled at how his twenty-something self would have probably been appalled at his career trajectory but certainly impressed with the bit of wealth he'd been able to accrue. These days, Ed was obsessed with money and making sure they were putting enough away for the kids while also providing for an amazing childhood. This was a reason why Ed was less hesitant than Olivia to let Wyatt continue with the show. Their toddler was getting paid an impressive sum for what Ed saw as innocuous work. Most of the time, Wyatt was on set "playing" his normal, adorable self. And, at the end of the day, he had a decent jump start on college tuition.

A phone alert jolted Ed out of his thoughts. The alert itself wasn't important, but it reminded him of the email. The email he'd received after the benefit from Elliot Stabler who had been invited but chose not to attend. Ed sat on a concrete ledge, pulled out his phone, and read the message again. Stabler apologized for not attending but was sure Olivia and Ed understood. He and the family were still healing after the horrific death of their son and brother. There were several Catholic-based references to God and the afterlife. Halfway through the email, Ed speculated that Stabler, overcome with grief, was losing his mind. But then he read the final sentence.

I hope you thank God every day for Olivia, Stabler had written, she will always be one of the great loves of my life and you're an astoundingly lucky man for her to be yours.

Even now, at the break of day, when Ed's head was always the clearest, he couldn't decide what to do. Delete? Show Olivia? Show Olivia with a snicker? Show Olivia with concern and sympathy? He had no idea. Dead son be damned, the email pissed him off.

He checked the time and started back toward their building. It was time to begin the waking-up process, Maggie first, because she took the longest. Thoughts of Stabler faded as Ed thought about what song he would sing to his three-year-old daughter to bring her, somewhat peacefully and compliantly, out of her slumber.

…

#Tuckson