A/N: Happy Sunday Funday everyone. Chapter 21 was pretty long, but I wanted the girls to finish their conversation and their evening. Plus, I just wanted to give you all a treat for being amazing.
Callie walked into the kitchen freshly showered wearing loose fitting sweats and an oversized t-shirt, her hair was damp and the loose waves that remained on the top of her head fell into her eyes. She was a little surprised to see Arizona had beaten her out of the shower and was propped up on the counter preparing two cups of coffee as her crutches rested beside her. Deciding they were a little safer now that they were both fully clothed, she walked up behind the smaller woman and wrapped her arms around her middle. She smiled as the blonde leaned into her and brought one arm up and wrapped it around the back of her neck pulling her head down into a soft kiss. Pulling back, Arizona turned and rested the back of her head against a strong shoulder and closed her eyes just enjoying the intimacy. Taking a deep breath she spoke softly, "Earlier, when I was out in the garden, I did briefly wonder if we were going too fast. But I agree with my mom and think only the two of us can figure that out. I also came to a conclusion though, and what you saw, what you saw in my eyes when you asked if I wanted to talk about it, it was fear. I was worried I would upset you and yes I based that fear on your past reactions. But while I was in the shower, I realized how unfair that was. You haven't given me any reason to believe that you would respond the same way as you used to. Just the opposite in fact. You have been open and honest and so understanding. I just…" She was cut off by the arms wrapped around her middle tightening slightly. "I get it, I do. I feel the same way sometimes. Like earlier when I froze the minute I said I forgot about your leg. Everything inside me tensed up and prepared to defend myself and you have apologized and we talked and I forgive you. But, like we both said, this is a process and even though we talk things through, there's…" Arizona awkwardly turned around and wrapped her own arms around the taller woman's neck as she finished, "Phantom pain?" Callie snickered and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, phantom pain. We just have to remember not to fall into the same trap and work on changing our own reactions. We can't keep going back to the past. Right?" Arizona nodded, "Right." She then leaned forward and placed a sweet peck on a soft tan cheek.
Reaching over, Callie grabbed the crutches and handed them to Arizona then picked up the two cups of coffee the blonde had been preparing. "Do you feel like you can tell me now?" Arizona nodded and laughed at herself, "I can, but you actually already decided the same thing apparently." As they walked outside, Callie looked over her shoulder and asked, "What did I decide?" Arizona responded, "I was going to suggest that maybe we rethink the whole sharing a bed thing. I want nothing more than to go to sleep and wake up next to you, wrapped up with you, but I think we would only be asking for trouble." Sitting the coffee cups on the small table next to the carafe, the brunette looked over and said, "That's it?" She watched as the blush crept up Arizona's neck and cheeks seemingly embarrassed that it seemed so simple. Sitting down next to her, Callie took her hands and pulled them into her own lap and offered, "It doesn't seem so big now. But four years ago, I would have seen that as you going back on your word and become angry and accused you of not wanting to try. It would have been a big ass thing until you gave in and we ended up in the same bed angry at each other and not even speaking or I walked away deciding you didn't want this." Somewhere during her explanation, tears started rolling down Callie's face. She swiped at them angrily as she looked into sad blue eyes and said, "I don't…I don't know how to fix this." Arizona smiled softly and said, "YOU can't fix it. Not alone, we both have to do this. But one thing we won't do, is what you just did. We won't go back into the past and think about what that Callie or that Arizona would have done. We have to trust and believe that this…" She paused to wave her hand between them and started again, "We have to trust and believe that this Callie and Arizona, who we are now, have learned from their mistakes and as much as we need to work on forgiving each other, we have to learn to forgive ourselves." Callie nodded in understanding and pulled Arizona in for a hug settling them both back on the sofa.
The two sat quietly for a few minutes, cuddled together, both staring at the small coffee table that held the carafe. Callie finally spoke up, "The things in that jar, they broke us." Arizona nodded, and added, "They did. But we're stronger now." Callie replied, "And they didn't…they didn't break us beyond repair. They broke us and it took a while, but we're sitting here because no matter what damage those things in there did, they didn't break our love for each other. We are sitting here because no matter what is written on those papers, we are us, we are Callie and Arizona and we don't just want to be together, we belong together." Arizona swallowed back the lump in her throat, Callie was right, they did want to be together and they do belong together. She didn't really know what else to say to that so she reached out her hand and laced her fingers with Callie's. "We're going to be okay." Callie looked at their intertwined hands and agreed, "We're going to be okay." After a few more minutes, Arizona asked, "So, how about we both draw a post-it, decide if we want to keep it, then figure out who should go first?" Callie nodded, "Okay, seems fair." She reached in and pulled out one of her post-its then tossed it on the table, "Processing and listening to your needs. Is there, ah, is there anything else you want to say about this?" Callie asked with just a hint of nerves. Arizona shook her head and said, "No, I'm good. As far as I am concerned, we said what we needed to say and now we just let the wounds heal. Okay?" Callie released the breath she didn't know she was holding and said, "Okay. Your turn." She watched as Arizona pulled out a pink note and sigh in relief as she showed her the note that had LEG written across the front in bold capital letters. Before putting it down she asked, "Did you have anything you wanted to say about this?" Callie shook her head no and reached in for another note. She laughed as she pulled out the note she had also written the word leg on and tossed it to the side. Smiling she said, "It feels less daunting now. Those were two of the big ones." Arizona agreed and reached in and pulled out her next note. After reading it, she closed her eyes and let out a sigh. She was really hoping she wouldn't draw this one first, but she decided to keep it and try to put it behind them once and for all.
Pulling out her third paper, Callie opened it and as soon as she read Penny's name, she said, "Pass." She knew she was probably shooting herself in the foot taking a pass so soon, but she really didn't want to talk about this one tonight and she was hoping to get the other one that really needed to be addressed soon. Arizona nodded then watched as Callie pulled another note and put her first one back. As she opened it, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Whatever was on that paper was going to suck just as much as the one she drew. Deciding to get it over with, Arizona offered, "Since you already went once tonight, I'll start. Is that okay?" Thankful for the reprieve, Callie agreed then thought better of it as she watched Arizona close her eyes, take a deep breath, and run a shaky hand through her damp curls. She knew exactly what was written on that little pink paper when she saw the pain and tears fill those amazing blue eyes as they opened and stared directly into her soul. The heartbreak she saw and felt made everything in her want to pull the other woman into her lap, rip up the paper and never mention it again, but she knew that couldn't happen. She knew it would come up the first time she saw a cute woman pay the slightest bit of attention to Arizona. She also knew for her own sanity and piece of mind she needed to listen and do her best to understand what happened in that on-call room that stormy night five years ago. Still she felt the need to reach out and offer comfort, "Arizona, honey…it's…" She was going to say it was okay, but it wasn't, nothing about this topic was okay so she settled on, "It already broke us, it already did the damage. This is for healing. This is for understanding. We will…we will get through this okay?" Arizona looked up and reached out gently wiping the brunette's tears away. Hesitantly, she leaned in and placed a soft kiss on plump red lips. She was relieved when she felt the immediate response. Finally she pulled back and nodded as if convincing herself she could do this.
Arizona took a deep breath and tried to find the right words, but she knew there were no right words, not for this. She started, "I…" Looking down at her hands, she said quietly, "I…um…I don't know where to start." When she looked up again, she wasn't sure what she expected to see, but it wasn't the calm peaceful face that was staring back at her. Inhaling deeply, she started again. "I cheated on you Calliope." She watched as hurt flashed in brown eyes and Callie nodded and said, "You did." Arizona shook her head then said, "I never admitted that to you before. I always referred to the storm, or just said her name, or…or…I never took responsibility for it before, but I did. I cheated on you, on my wife." Callie took a deep breath trying to get past the sharp pain in her chest caused by those words. It was true, Arizona had never taken responsibility for cheating so it was hard for her to forgive the halfhearted apologies the blonde offered. She steeled herself to hear the same excuses, but she was surprised when she heard, "Do you, um do you want to hear what I was thinking, what was going on in my mind at the time?" Before the brunette could even register the question, Arizona continued, "Its not…I'm not making excuses. There is no excuse. There's no reason, there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING I could ever say to make this remotely okay or to make it forgivable, its not, its inexcusable. But, but…um, I'd like to tell you. I don't even expect you to understand, I just…" The blonde stopped her ramble and dropped her head in her hands. She was fucking this up all over again just like she knew she would.
Trying to fight back the tears, she finally sat up and asked quietly, "Can you ummm, will you hand me my crutches please?" When Callie eyed her warily she said, "I'm not…I'm not leaving, I'm not walking away, I just, I need to move." Knowing her own penchant for pacing when she was nervous, Callie understood and leaned over to pick up the crutches she had placed on the ground at the end of the sofa. Handing them over she said quietly, "I would very much like to hear what you have to say Arizona." Nodding, the blonde settled the crutches under her arms and took a few steps away from the sofa before turning around. She looked down at her missing leg and said, "I hated my body. I hated how I looked, how I felt, how people who knew me looked at me. I had just…" She trailed off for a moment, she didn't want to bring this up, but it was part of what was happening in her mind. "My body kept failing me, and it just…it failed me again and I was so angry with myself. My body failed us and I couldn't even…I couldn't even be a wife to you." Feeling the tears burning her eyes, she turned briefly to calm herself. It took Callie a minute to understand what Arizona meant by her body failing them and her being a wife, then it hit her and she let out a sob. Just weeks before that night, Arizona had lost their baby and…she closed her eyes when she remembered her reaction to the miscarriage and her need to push them through and try again. Tears sprang forth when she remembered her wife's response, I can't take another loss, Callie. Arizona wasn't talking about Mark and Lexie, or Nick like she thought she was. She was talking about the losses her own body endured. Just like that, she was starting to get it. This was another instance of her pushing. Arizona must have known exactly where her head went, "Oh no! No Calliope. Absolutely not. This was not on you. Not one bit of it was because of anything you did or didn't do. That's what…that's what is so fucked up about the whole thing. It had nothing to do with you. I cheated on my wife and you were the one who was hurt the most by it and it had nothing to do with you." Arizona was exasperated with herself. She was so angry at what she did, who she was at the time. She watched as Callie scrunched her face in confusion at her words. She knew from their discussions about George that Callie took most of the blame for that even if she said otherwise. She knew Callie blamed her own shortcomings and worried that she wasn't enough for George. It only made sense that she did the same with her wife.
She looked her ex-wife straight in the eyes as she continued, "People cheat for many reasons. Mostly because they are unhappy in their marriage or with their partner. But that wasn't why Calliope. I had this amazing, beautiful, talented, intelligent, sexy wife who loved me, adored me. For over a year, you put up with my bullshit. You just stood back and took it. You cleaned up after me, took care of me as much as I would let you, you took full responsibility for our daughter when my head was so far up my own ass I couldn't, and despite all of that, you still wanted me. I lost my leg, I was an ass most of the time, but you still loved me and still wanted me. If anything, that last part, the fact that you still wanted me…I couldn't believe it. I didn't trust it. I didn't even like looking at myself, how could my wife want to look at me? Touch me? But you did. You did and my fucked up brain convinced itself it was because you had to. You had to want me because I was your wife." Running out of steam, Arizona finally took a seat in the chair across from her ex-wife who was staring at her intently. She still didn't see any of the anger she expected to see, however the hurt was still very prevalent based upon the tears streaming down her cheeks.
Callie stared unseeing into Arizona's face. She knew she was crying but couldn't bring herself to care at that moment. She wasn't even sure what was causing her tears. After the initial stab she felt when Arizona finally admitted to cheating, none of the rest of the pain followed in its wake. The anger she expected to feel when her ex began to explain was nowhere to be seen. In that moment, the only thing she could grasp was this had nothing to do with her and though Arizona's words made sense, she wondered if there was anything that could have kept this from happening, but before she even completed the thought, she knew. She knew if they had just talked, if she handled things better, if Arizona didn't close up and shut down…but that's not who they were at the time. She had already admitted to herself that the Arizona she married wouldn't have cheated on her and she knew for a fact that the Arizona who sat across from her now, full of self-loathing by that single action, wouldn't either. But the Arizona she was married to at the time, nothing about that woman was the same. Nothing about her behaviors and actions could be reconciled with the pre-crash Arizona.
She broke from her musings as she heard the woman across from her clear her throat. "When she first got to the hospital, she flirted and I shut her down. I told her I was married to this amazing woman." Arizona closed her eyes then and said, "She kept flirting and I…didn't flirt back, but I didn't put a stop to it. I…there was this stranger and she didn't know me from before the crash. She didn't look at me with eyes full of pity like others who weren't on the plane, or eyes full of pain and understanding like the others who were, or with…with love and compassion and fear and everything that always swirled in your eyes when you looked at me. She just, she knew about the leg and still found me attractive. She didn't know who I was before and it felt…" Arizona brought her hands up and covered her face rubbing at her eyes trying to gather strength to keep going. "Ugh, I hated it, but it felt good. It felt good to be looked at for the person I had become. It was shallow and selfish and horrible and it was…it was everything I was at that time. I know now, I wasn't even physically attracted to her. She could have been anyone. It was the attention she gave me. This sounds so awful, makes me sound so awful, but I was then. I was a horrible wife, person, mother, and friend at that time. But it wasn't about you or her, it was about a selfish need to feel attractive. You always paid so much attention to me Callie and always told me how much you wanted me, but I was certain it was because you had to or you were attracted to the old me. I know now I was so wrong." Arizona looked up to see that Callie had wrapped her arms around her stomach as if holding herself together. She stood up and made her way to the other end of the sofa and sat down trying to give her space if she wanted it. But she did extend her arms and turned her hands palm up in invitation for the other woman. She let out a breath of relief when Callie looked at her extended hands and immediately placed her own hands on top of them and let the blonde link their fingers together. She then scooted closer to the blonde and looked her in the eye. Arizona swallowed thickly, she knew this was the part that Callie deserved most, the part she had been waiting 5 years for. Looking directly into dark chocolate eyes she said softly but clearly, "I am so sorry I let what I had with you leave my head for even one moment and I am so sorry I hurt you more than anyone in this world and fucked up our whole life together. But more than that Calliope, I am truly sorry it took me so long to own up to what I did, to give you the apology you deserved." She could taste the salty tears as they streamed down her face but she was reluctant to break what little contact they had to wipe them away.
Hearing everything Arizona said to her, Callie realized, it made sense. It wasn't an excuse, it wasn't a reason, it wasn't something made up to appease her. It did help, it helped tremendously knowing that her wife didn't turn to another woman because of something she couldn't or didn't provide to their marriage. It all hurt like hell, but for so long, she never understood why she wasn't enough and some random stranger was. Now she knew, she knew and she finally believed that it really didn't have anything to do with her. She could go through so many scenarios on how things could have been different, but they weren't. Things happened how they happened and the only thing she could do now is choose to hold onto the pain and continue to make them both suffer or to forgive and move on. While time lessened the pain, the questions were still there up until now. But now, she finally found the closure she needed. From this point forward, she would do her best to let this particular wound heal.
Arizona sat still waiting for a response. She wanted to run, she knew she couldn't, that was the old Arizona. But God how she just wanted to bail and not look into those painfilled eyes. She kept her gaze down at their intertwined fingers and tried not to fidget. It felt like hours of frozen silence before she watched one of Callie's hands pull away and felt a finger on her chin urging her to look up. What she saw when she looked at that beautiful face was a softness she hadn't seen in so long, she saw an encouraging smile, and those gorgeous chocolate eyes were full of tears and forgiveness. "You never apologized before, you never explained, you never took responsibility. I know that even through all the fights and screaming matches, this right here was the hardest thing you've ever done. Thank you Arizona and I forgive you." Callie then lowered her head to meet Arizona's and placed a soft kiss on her lips. Arizona just sobbed and fell into her arms. Once again, the two ex-wives held one another and cried tears of healing and forgiveness. Arizona pulled back and looked into her ex-wife's eyes and spoke softly, "I'm sorry Calliope, I…there's no excuse and…" Her ramble was cut off by a soft finger being placed over her lips, "Shh…what did we say earlier? We leave this here and we move on. Yes, it hurt and it probably always will. But you need to know, I figured out a long time ago that the Arizona I married, she never would have cheated on me, and this Arizona sitting in front of me now, there's no way she would either. That doesn't make it okay, it doesn't make it hurt any less, but it makes it easier to find forgiveness, to rebuild trust. I need you to promise me something though." Arizona nodded and said, "Anything." Callie smiled softly and looked down at the woman in her arms and said, "Well two things. First, I need you to start working on forgiving yourself because I know you haven't even tried. Secondly, I need you to trust and believe that if you ever sleep with anyone again, new, or old, I will kick the crap out of you." Arizona smiled at the familiar phrase then asked, "Are you ever going to come up with your own material?" Callie laughed and held the smaller woman tight, then said, "But you're right and your awesome!" as she flipped the end of the blonde's hair behind her shoulder. Arizona laughed and just shook her head at her ex-wife.
Settling into a comfortable silence, Callie looked down at Arizona and asked, "Are you ready for me to go?" Arizona thought about their evening so far and their day as a whole. She didn't want to stifle Callie, but she was emotionally drained and just wanted to spend a little time enjoying each other. Lifting her head up she replied, "If you really want to talk about it tonight, we can. But I, we covered a lot and if I am being honest, I'd like to just spend a little time together before we go to bed if that's okay." Callie breathed a sigh of relief and said, "I am so happy to hear you say that. I am pretty sure we are both on the verge of dehydration. How about we put on a movie and cuddle on the couch?" Arizona pulled back then and smiled, "That sounds perfect. Ooh can we have popcorn?" Callie laughed and stood up pulling the blonde with her and handed her the crutches. "You can have your popcorn; in fact, I bought you kettle corn, but I have hot chips." She said as she wiggled her eyebrows knowing how much her ex-wife hated them. Groaning, Arizona made her way into the house and headed straight for the living room to pick out a movie. Going into the kitchen to gather their snacks, Callie called out, "No Disney!" and smiled as the blonde groaned and she could hear a DVD being placed back on the shelf. As she put the bag of popcorn in the microwave, she smiled as she thought back to their conversations. They have tackled three huge issues and not a single angry word was had. For the first time since her family arrived, Callie felt completely at peace and certain they were going to be okay.