DISCLAIMER: I own nothing from the Naruto universe but I do have an imagination of my own.
Thinking
Biju, etc. speaking
Biju, etc. thinking
Emphasis
A/N: AHH! There are some mistakes you'll see here! Thanks to the fact that apparently doesn't allow "strike throughs" in the text, I was unable to make a few phrases work as I wanted to. I really hope that you can read this well enough, anyway.
Naruto sat in Jiraiya's apartment, feeling utterly lonely. Anko-chan and the other orphans had some kind of field-day going on this weekend somewhere or other, and the clan kids that hadn't reached Genin yet had some big thing they were doing together. When I was in the orphanage we never had a field day… Stupid matron.
She finally got up off the couch, dragging her blankets along with her. The air was just starting to get a little colder in the Konoha mornings, so she shut the window that provided a cross-breeze in the little apartment. Wondering what she could do on such a boring day, she looked around for something to clean. Sadly, the apartment was almost spotless right now, thanks to her daily scrubbings of things, and Jiraiya being gone for so long.
Thinking about those she'd met, she considered the girls that were studying to be kunoichi more. They weren't so bad, really - and there were a few, several even - who had never made fun of her for her size or age in the program that she'd just begun. She really liked learning about flowers and stuff. Maybe she'd go out today and grab some. At least tomorrow everyone would be back. She didn't like "the Academy" at all, (meaning going to class,) but it at least gave her something to do and occasionally she'd learn something, but more importantly, she was able to see her few friends there.
Dusting Jiraiya's big writing desk off again, she picked up the sealed box that contained the letters he'd written to her. She began reading them once again, a small smile creeping up on her face.
Little did either Jiraiya or Naruto know that they were each reading old letters that they'd saved at the same time.
Dear Ero-sennin,
I'm so glad you had me sign the toad contract so I could contact you and find out what's going on! But I want to go to the Mountain! Please?! Oh, and I guess it's a good way to find out how you are, too. Are you okay? You're not in Ame, are you? You know I'll kick your ass if you go to Ame, right? You can just send a toad there, ya know? If you end up dead again, I swear I'll bring your sorry ass back to life and kill you again! You know your gross teammate can help me do it, too! (Not that I ever want to see that guy/whatever he/she/it/them is.)
Please update me on the correct term as to how to properly refer to that snake pedophile.
Sincerely,
Naruto
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Not-Deer Brat,
Number one: stop calling me that! Number 2: You're a hundred years too early to challenge me, you pesty five-year-old! Writing me only to threaten me - oh, the humiliation. Well, it would be humiliating if it wasn't so purely comical. Thanks for the laughs. Number 3: you're too young to get sage training. And don't talk about Rochi that way! I told you, we'll - awe forget it. Just do me a favor. Four) Make some friends, relax a little, and do what you're supposed to at the Academy. No killing or maiming Uchihas or that "Old Mummy," as you refer to him - in fact, avoid them if you can. No pranks, either! Don't forget that your the daughter of the Great Jiraiya-Sama! You have to live up to your heritage, brat! So go be demure or something.
Having fun without you! Hahaha!
The Great Jiraiya-sama
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Dear Ero-sennin,
One can only imagine the type of fun you must be having and I want no part of it. How's that perving going, anyway? Been beaten senseless by any ladies recently? Oh, and your grammar sucks! But you'd better keep writing back, 'cause - well, just because!
Seriously, though: are you okay? I get and see an occasional toad around and all, so I know you're alive and have chakra and stuff, but I worry about you. You're already pretty old and I've changed the timeline, so… You know, be careful. I'd say I miss you but I'm too tough for that!
Love, Yours in fun and Uchiha-elimination,
Unnamed - because I don't want to be declared to be doing something supposedly treasonous or whatever
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Dear Ero-sennin,
I got in trouble after reading your last letter cause that crap you put on the back of it made me mad and I accidentally burst it into confetti and blew some of my new classmates off their seats. I got in trouble and had to clean it all up. I was supposed to apologize to the other kids in my class, but they're older than me and shoulda known to use chakra to keep their butts glued to their chairs, right? Gotta always be prepared, am I right?
I get it about Mom and Dad, Kushina-san and Minato-san, but it's just hard. I never knew that they were close to Kakashi other than him being his sensei, ya know? That's not their fault, it's his. He's a little asshole, anyway, so that helps… No, actually it helps nothing!
Please tell me what you're doing and if you and your comrades are wounded or okay! I really want to know what's going on and if you're getting yourself into terrible situations out there like you have a tendency to do. You-know-who might still be alive at this point, and I don't know how strong he could be or if his "allies" are with him… I would think they are. Stupid Zetsus.
Love,
You Know Who
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Deer Brat,
Don't keep getting into trouble at the Academy! If I hear one more thing from sensei about you, I feel like I'll scream! Behave yourself like a good girl should. Seriously, Naruto: Sakumo-kun's given me some great information about things like discipline and stuff, so you'd better behave.
I can only say that I'm sorry that the masked dog brat never spoke up about your you know whos. That reminds me, keep my correspondence under blood-sealed storage or better yet, just destroy them. You know kid, I've got several books on fuuinjutsu on the middle shelf in the living room. You could start learning, but DON'T ATTEMPT ANYTHING UNTIL I'M THERE! You can read the first two, but that's it for now. Promise me, Naruto. The best thing you can do to live up to your heritage - both as an Uzumaki and as the daughter of the legend I am - is to practice your calligraphy. You should be learning that in kunoichi classes, ne?
One favor: Saku-kun is always bragging on his bratty kid, so I expect you to live up to challenge that little masked runt, okay? My kohai had the nerve to say that canines are better than toads! As if! Stupid dogs can't even do jutsu. What the hell's he talking about? Supposed to be a genius. Don't tell him I said that you brat.
Love and absolutely zero kisses,
World's Best Dad, AKA His Powerful Greatness The One and Only Jiraiya-sama
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Dear Ero-Dad,
The title works, ne?! Oh, and I guess I promise about not doing the sealing stuff, so don't go worrying your giant head about it. I was already reading the Introduction to the Sealing Arts book and it's super interesting, but it says the same thing about calligraphy, and that the stuff in there is supposedly theoretical: it's really not, though! Why don't they teach this stuff at the Academy? I went to the library and got some good stuff about calligraphy and it's been super helpful. When you come back can we at least practice together? Say yes or I'll find something to blow up! Like, say, the Uchiha compound! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
Ugh. You won't believe it, but I approached Obito-kun in an attempt at friendship. (BOO HISS!) Oh! And I made a new friend, too, and maybe a few more? I'm not sure. But my new friend is Anko-chan and she's great. Once upon a time, she was THAT GIRL who the pedophile snake hurt and marked. If he so much as touches her this time, I'll Rasenshuriken his ass straight to hell; count on that!
Oh, by the way, I've already got all our stuff under a seal only I can get into. At least I can do storage seals, right?!
Hey, are we technically at war? And who exactly are we at war with?
Naruto
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Dear Gaki,
Where's the love?!
I ran into someone interesting that I think you'll be glad to meet.
Don't worry your pretty little blonde head off about stuff above your paygrade, brat.
More soon,
Jiraiya
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Dear Jiraiya,
What the hell kind of letter was that?! Now I'm scared, or I would really really be if I weren't so tough! Are you okay? Were you hurt during a battle or something? I would ask if that snake pedophile was with you and if he bit you or something, but I know you're like at least two decades too old for him. And anyway, well - you're stronger than him. I know that you're stronger than anyone, but don't get cocky old man!
Love,
Naruto
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Dear Naruto,
I'm sorry to have made you worry. Not that you were actually scared, of course, because you're a very stubborn, savvy, and tenacious young lady. Sometimes it is easier and I have more time to write than others.
I've come up with an idea for us to get a better place. I hope that you're sleeping in my bed and not still on the couch, Naruto! A growing girl needs good sleep, and there's no way that you can get that on my old couch! Actually, I want to apologize that you're staying there at all; I know it's not much, but as YOU know, I've rarely been in the village for years and years. That will change, of course, since you're there.
I haven't forgotten about you, chibi-chan. I could never.
Okay, so here's my idea! I got from your memories that I was, naturally, a best-selling author, but you said that my first book THAT JUST GOT APPROVED BY THE PUBLISHERS, NARUTO - HOW BOUT THAT?! - wasn't a best-selling success. How ridiculous! Anyway, my very first idea for a book was a little different - I didn't even write a hundred pages of it cause I was worried about how it would be received, even if it was really compelling! I was going to call it Sexual Paradise: Love and Longing on The Island of Death. Is that what made me a bundle of money? Don't knock it, Naruto! If you actually DO know my books as well as it seems you do, help me write them and we can get a much better place. I'm not being greedy! I want to properly take care of you!
Sincerely,
XXX000
Not sure what that means, but I've seen Sakumo put that on his messages to his boy.
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Dear Ero Dad,
First off, never EVER put that "XXXOOO" stuff in a message to me! The Os are supposed to signify hugs and the Xs (YUCK!) are kisses! It's hilarious, however, that that brat Kakashi is getting mushy letters from his dad, though. It's super funny because I've seen the same thing when his fangirls - which are everywhere I tell ya - write him notes. What is wrong with girls in the Konoha (aside from me and Anko-chan, of course?)
ANYway, thanks for that letter, Ero-sennin. I'll keep it forever and - well, yeah. After a lot of thought, your idea is pretty good, too. And I mean, me being here has already changed the timeline, so I guess why not? It's almost too bad that your first book has gone to the publishers because since you brought up your book series (yes, it was a series - now settle down you egotistical old goat,) I couldn't help but wonder that if you'd "spiced up" the Gutsy Ninja story if it wouldn't have sold better. What do you think?
Oh, and that title: no. It won't work! People will be too embarrassed to peruse it at the bookstore, ya know? It DOES sound like it could be the same book that was the first in the Icha-Icha series, though. It was called Icha-Icha Paradise. I'm not sure how much I should tell you about it. It HAD to have sold a lot of copies though, sadly. Or not! I dunno. My old sensei, you know who, was a total perv, reading it at every single moment - even when he was jumping through the trees on missions!
How can I help you with it since you're not here, though?
Love,
Naruto
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Ero-sennin! What the hell?!
I'm sitting here in class and a toad spits out part of a porn book? Seriously!? No accompanying message, no nothing else? Sensei wanted to send me to the nurse for the coughing fit I had!
I'm drawing a cover for it here at home, but don't you dare put the title on it!
Are you okay? What is happening with the war and what are you doing? Who are you with?
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Dear Naru: OOPS and haha!
I really like the cover: it totally works! The publisher will eventually stylize it, but good work there, kiddo.
I thought about asking the publisher to allow me to rewrite/update the Tales of a Gutsy Ninja, but FORTUNATELY realized that if I was sexualizing a character with the name he has - well, that wouldn't be a good thing, now would it, NARUTO?
Nice try on getting me to say the village's status, brat. I can tell you that I'm with two very dear friends and some other comrades whom I'd currently like to send an oil-enhanced fireball at. It's all good: they're just young, lesser experienced, and completely annoying. They remind me of you! Just kidding, chibi. You can't tell me that I'm not hilarious.
Love,
Your Super Gallant SuperFather XXXOOO
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Perv!
Don't make me want to barf with those Xs and Os!
Oh, here's a new cover - or one that only has the one side captured on it. I'm glad I caught this before I lifted the book up and started reading your newest chapter in class! It would've looked worse than odd for me to be reading something that had "Not for under age 18" signage, right?!
School is SO boring. Can I please stop going and just be a Genin?! Oh! I found a really great taijutsu master, although he won't let me call him that. I don't care that he's a Genin, though; he's strong as hell. Seriously, I think he's as good as you in taijutsu! Don't get all pouty about it! I'll be graduating soon, so I've gotta find people to help me get stronger as fast as I can! I want to help you out there, ya know?!
Love and absolutely no hugs and kisses,
Naruto
OOO - Damn you!
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Dear "Dad,"
Are you seriously mad that I said someone is as good at taijutsu as you are? It's been weeks and I haven't heard anything! Kakashi-kun even was all pouty (I guess) and asked about you and his dad, too - and he's an introverted jerk! I had to ask the messenger toad to go and make sure that you were still listed as an alive breathing summoner! I may have also asked about Minato-san, too. He's alive, too, by the way. Can't say much more than that, though: damn your silence. Please write just anything to say you're okay? Tell Kakashi-kun's dad to send something along, too, if you're still together.
And if you're not, can you tell me? I think it would make him feel better.
A bunch of kids has been promoted early, both in my class and in some others. War must be close, huh? Will they give newly-promoted Genin missions out there on the front lines? Some of the kids will be cannon-fodder if they do Ero-Sennin! Maybe I should break some of their legs and stuff to hold them back? I'm serious!
Love,
Naruto
P.S. I pranked the Hokage. He had the time to be in my and Anko-chan's business, so he had the time to look like a girl! You should've seen him! He makes an absolutely hideous woman, I tell ya. WRITE BACK SOON!
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Dear horrible brat,
Are you trying to kill me with your nonsense out here?! Pranking the Hokage? Let me tell you since sensei apparently didn't speak to you about this: he does not appreciate having wigs or anything else glued to his hat. The man has sensitive skin and he's getting pretty bald Naruto. Behave yourself! By the way, did you get a picture of him in the wig? If you did, make plenty of copies (50+) and send them along ASAP. Enclosed is some ryo to do just that as well as getting some food into the house.
Why didn't you ask for money? Out here on the lines, I didn't even think about it! And don't you dare spend this all on ramen!
Alright, onto something very serious: I understand that you haven't been to a SINGLE one of your kunoichi classes! What is that about?! Do you really want to fail this year? I thought you were sincere about EVENTUALLY aiding me out here?! Actually it's fine if you want to spend a longer time at the Academy: really! Sincerely! I have, however, asked an enormous favor of the kunoichi sensei, and she has agreed to tutor you and catch you up. I think she must be secretly in love with me. (A little old for my tastes, though. That stays between us, brat. Consider this a test!) Whether or not you want to graduate this term, you'll have to take those classes at some point in order to graduate, Naruto. The choice is yours, of course!
Love,
Your Benevolent Father
P.S.: No breaking limbs on purpose.
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Dear Meanie,
Just kidding! Check out what's in the seal: it's got 75 photos of the oh-so-not-lovely Sandaime-sama in drag. Well, not drag, but with that cloak/coat thing he wears plus the wig and lipstick and all, it looks like it, right?! His wife wanted some pics, too. I'd never met Biwako-sama before, but she seems really cool. She gave me a ridiculous amount of money for the photos and told me to keep up the good work! As you can imagine, I've taken my friends to the ramen stand a bunch!
And I didn't even know I had to go to those classes or I wouldn't graduate! I just ignored them and even got Anko-chan to skip with me so we could beat up the boys in taijutsu class. Now I feel kinda bad about it, but Hitomi-sensei agreed to catch Anko-chan up, too. Anko-chan says she really doesn't like the classes that much because she doesn't like flowers or makeup, and some other things she didn't mention. I like flowers, (of course, I do! I'm like Senju Hashirama's reincarnate or something close to it, for gosh sake,) and we've even learned about using plants as poison and medicine. I don't like the makeup and kimono crap I've also been learning about, but dancing sounds kinda fun plus I've never played an instrument before. With shadow clones, I should be able to learn how to play one pretty fast.
I never told you! I found a puppy and it was Kakashi-kun's summons from the future! It was in a box and I gave it to him of course, but I don't know if he even realizes it's not a regular dog. Hey, what's the deal with a summons being a tiny little baby? I mean, I saw the tadpoles I initially summoned way back when (stop laughing,) but they went right back to the Mountain. Why is that little one staying there with Kakashi-kun and those big wolves? Wolves are cool, by the way!
Hey, you know what's funny? You mentioned the "lines" you were on! Is that the front lines? I hope not, but tell me! You already partially left the cat out of the bag! I won't tell anyone, I promise!
Sensei almost caught me with your book last week - I forgot to tell you! I didn't know you'd trained the messenger toads to like avoid capture or whatever. That's so cool! I really need to go to the Mountain and learn more from them.
Love,
Naruto
Naruto sat "criss-cross applesauce" on the cool grass with a flower crown on her head that matched Anko-chan's completely. The girls in the kunoichi class were mostly quiet and reserved, except for the two of them and some of the snotty civilian-born girl who gave them a hard time. Kurenai-chan (and wasn't THAT a weird thing: she was once and probably will again be Kurenai-sensei in the future, known for her genjutsu prowess,) was sitting next to Anko, and Naru came to like the quiet girl because she didn't mind her and Anko's rowdiness. Next to Kurenai were two Hyuuga girls who really looked alike but were very distant cousins, then a pair of -yikes- Uchiha twins, a Yamanaka whose name did not start with Ino-something, but Naruto didn't know it. Finally, there were some civilians that always used to make fun of her for being small until Naruto beat them up, and at the head of the ovular circle was the so-nice Hitomi-sensei.
"Settle down girls," Hitomi said to get the attention of everyone, although the only ones acting up right now were the civilian-born children. "We haven't spoken about this in two weeks, and I'm sure some of you girls have noticed that our ranks are smaller now?"
Naruto looked around at all of the girls' nods, along with their much too serious faces, and frowned. Anko had grabbed her hand and interlocked their fingers, and Naru noticed that her purple-haired friend had done the same with Kurenai. What could be so… scary? Intimidating? What could it be - and did it actually scare away some of the other girls? They didn't die, did they?! Surely Anko-chan would have told her if that had happened. Naruto and Anko had been friends for a couple of months now...
"Some of the young ladies that have left felt that they could not continue our classes in order to be kunoichi based on the information I shared with you a few weeks ago. I'm proud that everyone here will continue to serve Konoha with all they have," sensei said with a proud but somehow pained look on her face.
Naruto noticed that the boy's extra taijutsu practice - the one she had been missing now that she had to go to these kunoichi classes regularly - had just let out and the guys were headed their way. She would've pouted at and lamented the fact that the boys were going to possibly get stronger than she and Anko-chan would, but Anko was gripping her hand even more tightly now.
"As we spoke more... directly about last month, the art of seduction begins with…"
"Ano, what did you say sensei?" Naruto interrupted. "Are you seriously talking about, ano... SEDUCTION with a bunch of well... prepubescent girls?!"
"I'm already going through puberty, shrimp," a civilian girl - maybe her name is Aki(?) - scolded before turning red in the face as a few boys laughed or choked at hearing that as they walked back towards the classrooms.
"Girls! Yes, Naruto-sama, kunoichi are often required to seduce their targets, and we must all be properly prepared through..." Hitomi-sensei didn't get much farther than that!
"YOU HAVE GOTTA BE FREAKING KIDDING ME! I'M A FRONTLINE FIGHTER, LADY!" Naruto could barely contain both her and Kurama's fury at the mere idea of being used like that! How did I never know this about kunoichi life?! "IF YOU THINK FOR A MINUTE THAT I'M GONNA SPREAD MY LEGS AND LET SOME ASSHOLE STICK HIS PROBABLY STD-RIDDEN DICK IN ME, YOU CAN THINK AGAIN!" Jiraiya had taught her about pervs and the men (especially) to avoid during her training trip back in her first life! Naruto didn't notice or even care now or later that the entire boy's class was standing still, listening to her rant. There were some students hanging out of the Academy windows now watching the scene she was causing, too.
"Naruto-sama!" Hitomi-sensei scolded angrily.
"WHY THE HELL AREN'T THE BOYS LEARNING THIS STUFF?! They - they can henge and stuff! They can get like, used and abused, ne?" Naruto was shaking. She didn't want to do this kind of thing, whether it was now at age 5 (GROSS!) or when she's 18 - or anywhere between or over that! "It's NOT RIGHT," was the next thing she yelled with more than an octave-wavering voice, scaring her sensei and at least surprising her friends when her eyes began to turn red and slit and her whisker-marks darkened.
Hitomi-sense lost control in fright and slapped Naruto's cheek, the reasonable part of her hoping to make the girl regain her senses. To her, the girl seemed almost demonic right now. Oh Gods, I just struck Jiraiya-sama's daughter! The blonde then growled at her, low and menacingly, facing only her.
"I'll go along with flower-arranging and all the rest of that shit, but unless every single boy has to go through these lessons, too - and you better not even think about arranging for someone to TouCH me - I'll never do these bullshit lessons."
Hitomi-sensei scolded her harshly before dismissing the class, "The boys you are imagining doing such a thing ARE the frontline-fighters, young lady! Pull yourself together or leave the program," She was headed to the principal's office, and then to the Hokage, and dammit! Why did that have to happen in front of all these boys, additionally? "Back into the classroom, gentlemen!"
Naruto ran as fast as she could back to Jiraiya's apartment before her friends, (now former friends? Will everyone be scared of me and hate me again? She wondered,) could even react. She summoned a messenger toad who listened to her cry about what she'd learned before he poofed away, wondering how to describe it all to Jiraiya.
Kurama sat, scowling, in his seal, disgusted by what he just heard. Oh, he knew about the "kunoichi arts!" But his kit? HIS vessel? No fucking way would he allow her to soil herself in such a manner. He'd destroy the whole damn village and every other one before that happened against Naruto's will.