my body is a cage – arcade fire

"my body is a cage
that keeps me from dancing with the one i love."

Saturday
9:16PM

Barely three seconds passed after the Weasleys were gone when a cry pierced through the house.

The baby. Percy. Whom they had yet to meet. Lily wasn't too sure about how she'd deal with a crying baby, but she knew she had to do something about it.

She managed to peel herself off the sofa, and step by step made her way upstairs.

She found the baby's room and approached the crib with caution. Would the baby freak out more if he saw her, a stranger?

Lily felt a presence behind her, at the doorway and turned to look at James, who looked dead on his feet but still managed to have a serene vibe about him. Lord knew Lily could only get crankier and crankier when tired.

"What should we do?" Lily asked.

James took a deep breath. "Maybe rock him a little, or get him a binky, we could try a few things."

They tried everything short of actually physically picking up the baby, which Lily was too scared to do.

"There is one thing you could still try," James said. "You could sing to him."

Oh. Right. People sang to babies. Lily had forgotten about that. She wracked her brain but she couldn't remember the lyrics to any lullabies.

She sat on a stool next to the crib, and sang the closest thing to a lullaby she could think of, slowing it down slightly to a tempo she thought appropriate.

"I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream."

She sang the first verse through Percy's cries. She was almost sure it wasn't going to work, when close to the end, the crying started to subside.

"But if I know you, I'll know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
The way you did once upon a dream."

Afraid Percy would wake up when she stopped singing, Lily launched right back into the song for a second time.

By the end of the repeat, Lily was fairly sure Percy was asleep again. She quieted down and stayed perfectly still for a few seconds. Not a peep from the baby. He was sleeping like a little cherub once again.

Very quietly, Lily exited the room. She and James stood outside, looking at each other with winning smiles.

"That was a nice song," James said.

"Oh, yeah, it's from Sleeping Beauty—this movie my sister and I used to love. It was the only thing I could think of."

"Well, it seemed to do the trick just fine."

The door to the right of Percy's clicked open then. A bleary-eyed Bill walked out to the hallway.

"I can't sleep," he declared.

"Why not, bud?" James asked.

Bill looked at Lily and James, seemingly considering them. After a moment of this, he asked, "Are you a couple?"

Lily was so taken aback, she could only gape at the kid. And if James was surprised, he didn't show it.

"Ah... afraid not, kid. I keep asking her out, but she won't say yes," James replied, good-naturedly.

Bill thought this answer amusing. "Why not?"

"Beats me," James said in that aw-shucks tone. "You'll have to ask her."

Bill turned to look at Lily, questioning.

Lily gulped a breath. She could not believe this was happening. "Well, the situation is actually a lot more nuanced than he made it sound." Did she sound shill? That definitely sounded shrill to her ears.

Bill frowned. "What does that mean?"

Oh god, she was really fumbling this up. What she'd give for Molly's brother to finally make an appearance.

"You should go to sleep," was Lily's brilliant answer. "Or your mother will be cross."

Bill looked down at the floor, disappointed. "Charlie's flobberworm won't stop staring at me."

Now Lily felt bad she'd practically snapped at the kid.

"I know what we can do," James said. "Come on, I'll help you."

James went into the boys' room and Lily stayed in the hallway, feeling inadequate.

She made her way downstairs, cursing herself for acting so weird. She hoped she hadn't made Bill feel uncomfortable. He seemed like a good kid, and he hadn't meant any harm with his questions.

Lily went into the kitchen and started on the tea Molly hadn't gotten around to brewing.

She was so inside her own head that she didn't even hear James come into the room until he called her name.

"Is everything okay?" He asked.

Lily didn't turn to look at him. "Of course."

"Listen... I'm sorry if I upset you in any way. I... was only trying to be light-hearted and joking. I thought you'd go along with it, but I was clearly misreading the situation. I'm sorry."

Lily gripped the tea jar. Why did he have to be so nice about her little outburst? "No, you don't have to apologise at all. I know you were joking, and it was fine. It's me... I don't know if it's because I'm tired or what." She went to the sink to wash her hands, just to busy herself and so she wouldn't have to look at James. "But you saying that about me rejecting you all those years, made me have a very... visceral reaction, and it made me so mad because I have wanted to say yes to you from the very first time you asked me out, James."

Shit. She hadn't actually meant to say that last bit out loud. The tiredness was truly making her brain glitch. She froze with her hands gripping the counter behind her, as if keeping her from falling. She was finally facing James if only couldn't bear not knowing how he'd react.

He was very still. "What do you mean by that, Lily?"

Lily shook her head. "Forget it, I don't mean anything by it."

She was about to turn away from him, but something in his voice when he spoke made her stop.

"No, Lily. You cannot just drop a bomb like that and not explain." There was something very raw in his voice. "If you truly wanted to say yes from the first time, I need to understand why you didn't. Please, Lily."

Shit. Oh shit. She took a deep breath. Her shoulders slumped. "I... it's a long story."

"Well, it doesn't seem like Molly's brother is showing any time soon, so we've got some time."

Lily steeled herself. "I'm only telling you this because I trust you, James Potter. And I am going to need you to just let me talk before you say anything, okay?"

James nodded solemnly.

"You should sit down, I feel like you might tip over any second," Lily said.

James obliged, and sat on a tall wooden stool by the counter.

Lily sighed. "To understand everything, we have to start way before I ever met you. You remember my sister, Petunia, right?"

James nodded.

"Well, you also know all about her resentment over my being a witch. How it started when I was around eight and met Severus, who told me what I was. But the thing is... Petunia's resentment ran deep. I... don't pretend to know what goes on in my sister's head but... when we found out I was a witch, it was like all of a sudden she hated me. Like truly fucking hated my guts."

Tears pooled in Lily's eyes. She'd tried to be indifferent about her sister for years but the truth was, it still hurt her deeply to know her own sister hated her.

"And after that, it was like she would stop at nothing to make my life miserable. She'd call me names and tease me about everything. Not only about being a freak and whatnot, but also... about my appearance. She made fun of my red hair and my freckles and my face in general. But where she really found her in was with my weight. Other aspects of my appearance, my parents would scold her for judging. But... with the weight thing, she managed to pass it off as concern with our mother. Petunia got in my mother's ear and got her to worry about my weight, and so... when I was nine years old, I went on my first diet. It didn't work. But then, as time passed, kids at school got more focused on looks, and Petunia's teasing got worse... I felt more and more like shit. So, at eleven, I decided that I would lose weight no matter what, and little by little, I stopped eating.

"That one did work. Petunia stopped teasing me about my weight, and my mum seemed pleased. I thought that'd be it. Then one day, after one of my longest streaks of fasting, I passed out in the middle of science class. I was fine. But the first doctor that saw me told my mum that I needed to eat. And told her she needed to be making sure I ate. My mother is not a bad parent. She'd thought she was helping me by trying to get me to lose weight. But after that incident, she was horrified. She made me eat. And honestly, after I got started, it got exponentially easier. Because I fucking missed food. Of course, eating again made me start gaining weight again. And it was around that time that I started Hogwarts.

"I was so fucking nervous then. I felt like I had the opportunity for a fresh start, but at the same time, my self-esteem had taken so many hits, I had no idea how I'd find the confidence to be who I wanted to be. But... somehow I managed it. I made friends, and enough people seemed to like me. I was so hesitant, so unsure during that first year. But things went all right, and little by little, I was getting my confidence back. And then I had to go home for the summer and it was like almost all my progress had been scrubbed. The only thing my sister could talk about was how much weight I'd gained at school. I tried not to let it get to me but it did. I knew I couldn't restrict food again without my mum noticing so I started this diet... which was really just restriction dressed up, and started dropping weight again.

"Before I left for Second Year, Petunia and I had this huge fight. She called me a fat, ugly cow and said my Hogwarts friends only talked to me out of pity. I went back to school and immediately started restricting again. McGonagall knew about my... problem though, my mum had told her. So just not eating wasn't viable at school either, and so I started throwing up everything I ate... it seemed like my only option at the time."

Lily paused, took a deep breath. "And then... and then, you asked me out for the first time. We'd just come back from Christmas break, and I felt like I'd indulged too much while at home. Reasonably, I was probably the skinniest I've ever been, but I felt... like I'd grown to the size of a house over the break. And you... you were just so... cool, and from the first time I saw you I'd had such a massive crush on you. But you were also snarky, and you liked to play jokes on people, sometimes very cruel jokes. And I still felt like my place at Hogwarts was so... tenuous. And even though I'd had a crush on you I'd never thought you'd ever actually look at me.

"I still remember everything so perfectly. I'd just arrived for dinner at the Great Hall, you were sitting there with your friends, being as boisterous as usual, and I walked in with Melanie and Linnea, and before we could even sit down, you stood up on the bench and yelled across the room, 'Evans, will you go out with me?'"

Lily dared a look into James's eyes. His expression revealed nothing, but there was a warmth, a softness behind those eyes that gave Lily the strength to continue.

"I was so... mortified. A million thoughts raced through my brain. My first instinct was to let my heart melt, to listen to that flutter in my chest that was screaming in excitement. But at that same time, my brain could not let me have even this one thing. My brain said watch out, as much as you enjoy his dumb jokes, it doesn't mean he might not make one at your expense. My brain said think about the probability of James Potter actually liking a neurotic, fat, ugly nerd like you. It's probably less than one percent. So, if you say yes, and he's not sincere, you will be the laughingstock of the school, and you might never recover from the humiliation. And if you say yes and he's sincere—which, again, is extremely unlikely—your best friend, the only friend who you know for sure is genuine, who has seen you at every size and stuck with you, will probably never speak to you again. So, either way, you lose.

"And so, it was an easy choice in the end. Reject you, with some of that wry humour my friends liked me for, beat you to your own joke. And that would be it. Only you didn't give up. You asked me out again and again and again. But my reasoning was solid. I would never allow myself to say yes. And so we went back and forth for years. I never admitted to a soul that I ever had a crush on you. I'd rather flat-out lie to my friends, that's how determined I was.

"After Fifth Year, things kind of came to a head with Petunia. I stood up to her like I hadn't before. And I finally broke down and told my mum how she'd really made me feel with all her talk about dieting and about my body through the years. We went to a professional, and we talked some things out. I got some help for my health, I'd done some damage to my body after everything I put it through. It wasn't easy. It still isn't sometimes, but I've... finally gotten to a point where I don't want to die every time I look in the mirror. I know that I'll never be as stick thin as my sister and I've accepted it mostly. I'm trying to... fix my relationship with food. There are days when I'll eat a piece of chicken and feel so fucking guilty, but then there are days when I'll polish off half a pizza and not give it a second thought. But most days, I'm okay.

"I think... that getting my disordered eating under control, and trying to fix my self-image is part of the reason why I finally allowed myself to get close to you last year. Before that, I didn't even want you to look at me. So... yeah, that's basically why every time you've asked me out I've said no, even when I wanted to say yes. I honestly wasn't even sure you'd ever been sincere about it until last year. But I need you to know... I would've said yes last year, and all the times before. I would've said yes. I wish I'd said yes."

The room was quiet.

If Lily didn't know better, she'd say James's eyes looked glassy.

"I..." He took a hesitant step toward her. "I don't know what to say, Lily. I've said the wrong thing so many times, I don't want to fuck up again."

Lily shrugged. "You don't have to say anything, just listening is fine."

James had taken another step and was now right in front of her. "I'm just..." Gingerly, he raised a hand to cup Lily's face. He stroked a thumb up her cheek. He was looking at her, holding her like she was some precious thing. "I know you don't need my validation but I just need to tell you that you are the most beautiful, kindest, intelligent, warmest, most lovely person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. And every compliment I've given to your appearance or your character has been from the bottom of my heart sincere."

Lily's insides warmed. James pulled her into his chest, his arms locking her into an embrace. She fell into it most content. She could spend eternities in his arms.

It hit her just then, how much she fucking adored James Potter. She'd spent so much time denying any feeling but indifference towards him, now she wanted to shout from the rooftops how much she cared for him.

Tears fell from Lily's eyes. Partly because of the emotional toll it had taken for her to tell James everything, partly because of how much she loved him.

James kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry."

"What for?"

"I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I'm sorry your sister is so horrid. And I'm sorry the first time I asked you out I yelled at you from across the Great Hall like some kind of savage heathen."

Lily let out a laugh. "You don't have to apologise for that."

"No, but I do." He pulled away so he could look at Lily properly. "Because... fuck, Lily. I was so stupid. I was so absolutely struck by you from the first time I saw you. You were so... enchanting, and smart, and funny, and oh so beautiful, I was fucking obsessed with you, it was ridiculous. I tried for weeks to work up the nerve to ask you out, and..." he let go of her for a second so he could pinch the bridge of his nose. "Well, Sirius, being the way he is told me that day that if I didn't ask you out by dinner time, he'd tell you this dumb embarrassing story about me involving a bad prototype of my dad's hair elixir.

"I meant to do it properly, you know. I'd had plans of a thousand lilies in your dorm but I was twelve so that wasn't going to happen. But I was at least going to ask you privately. But then... you walked into the Great Hall and you were laughing with your friends, and it was one of those moments, that I still get sometimes when I see you and it feels like an absolute punch in the face. When I see you and I get struck by your... there isn't even a word to describe it. Loveliness, call it what you want. I only know that there are no words that do you justice. But I get that sucker punch feeling and it's like my brain is reduced to some sort of primal form... and that day... it's honestly as if I'd blacked out. I only know I got up with the intention of asking you for a word outside, and I ended up on the table, yelling at you from across the hall. And it was so stupid. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I did that to you."

Lily couldn't help the laugh that escaped her.

"Are you laughing at me, Lily Evans?" James asked with a glint in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said through laughs. "I appreciate you telling me that. But you don't have to apologise. It would've very probably been the same if you had asked me properly. Though now I do want to hear that story about you and that hair elixir."

"Absolutely not," James said.

Lily wiped the tears from her eyes. "Please don't beat yourself up about anything, I felt so... awful about myself during that time, no matter what you'd done, I was very committed to doing whatever mental gymnastics necessary to justify to myself rejecting the boy I liked."

James let out a shuddering breath. Then slowly, smiled a very nice smile. He seemed like he was going to say something, but he remained quiet. Then, the took a step forward, caging Lily between the counter and his body.

Lily's heart raced. He raised his hand so he could brush gone hair out of Lily's face. Slowly, his face got closer to Lily's, and she couldn't help but startle. "What're you doing?"

James didn't retract. "Would you stand still?"

Lily did. Then, he closed the gap between their faces until his lips brushed hers. Lily's breath hitched. After a brief moment of hesitation, James kissed her. Sweetly, softly, slowly. Perfectly.

Lily returned the kiss just the same. It was a chaste kiss, but it still felt exhilarating to her.

She wished he hadn't hesitated, that he knew by now that she really really wanted him to kiss her. But she knew the reason behind his hesitation. He still didn't know why Lily had stood him up. In his eyes, she'd still crushed his heart without reason.

It felt like that unresolved tension still hung right over their heads, but James Potter was fucking kissing her, so Lily allowed herself to stop worrying for a few seconds and just... enjoy it.

James Potter had kissed her, and it was everything.