A/N — we're winding down now. I currently expect this story to have 43 chapters. However, I am traveling at the end of January so there may be a slight disruption to the Friday posting schedule. xoxo — kals

x

Ch. 39 — Standards

x

"I missed Stella's conference."

Kara dropped into the chair sitting in front of Andrea's desk, unable to believe that she actually missed her daughter's school conference. "It was on my calendar and I even noticed it this morning when I was reviewing today's meeting. But then I was called out to the yard unexpectedly for an inspection and didn't take my phone."

Andrea sat, pencil still poised above the schematic she was reviewing. "And you are upset about this because?"

"Because I missed the conference, obviously," Kara replied sharply.

Andrea raised an eyebrow, then stood, walking past Kara to close her office door. Sitting down, Andrea lifted her headset and dialed a number. "Nikki? Yes, it's Commander Garnett. Please hold all of Commander Foster's calls unless it's Commander Green or anyone ranked an Admiral or higher." Setting down the phone, Andrea gazed at Kara calmly. "You can resume freaking out now if you want."

Frustrated with her screw-up, as well as starving since she also managed to miss lunch, Kara scowled. "If you aren't going to take this seriously then I'll find someone else to talk to."

Andrea snorted, then she burst out into full-blown laughter, only calming when Kara made to stand. "I'm not laughing at you, Kara. Truly. I'm laughing because I was you. Back when I first had Lily."

The mention of Lily's name mollified Kara slightly, and she returned to her chair, although she could feel her fingers digging into the wooden arms.

But Andrea was shaking her head. "You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Kara. Parenthood isn't a sprint, it's a marathon, and there are going to be times when you stumble. Now, are you upset because you missed the conference or because Stella's teacher had concerns?"

"I don't know."

"Well, what did Danny say?" Andrea pressed.

"He forgot too. He was chatting with Tex and ignored the reminder on his phone." Kara sank down further into the chair. "This is so embarrassing. I had to call Stella's teacher and reschedule. I apologized, of course, but now I look like a flake. I'm already the lazy mom who is always the last one there at pickup and does no PTA activities. Now I'm also the mom that can't make a conference!"

"So," Andrea continued, "if I called Tex right now, he would tell me that Green was also sitting there in a frenzy over missing the school conference?"

Kara scrunched down in her chair. "No. I mean, he said he was embarrassed but he said it happens. We'll make sure we are there tomorrow."

"He's right," Andrea said. At Kara's scowl, Andrea continued. "Do you remember what I told you last summer that first weekend with the girls?"

Despite herself, Kara laughed. "Whatever your standards are..."

"Lower them," they both said in unison.

"You don't have to be perfect, Kara." Andrea continued. "And there's no shame in admitting that you're overwhelmed and need some help. It might take a while, but the girls will understand that you tried your best. Maybe not today but eventually."

xxx

"Hello Mrs. Foster," said Mrs. Hess. "I was hoping to catch you to talk about Kara's progress."

At the sound of her teacher's voice, Kara sank down in the booth at the end of the diner, hoping the woman hadn't seen her. Kara wasn't really supposed to hang out at the diner but unless the place was packed or the health inspector was there, it was a rule that pretty much everyone ignored.

"I can't really talk unless you're a paying customer," her mother replied, voice sounding strained.

Running her finger over the ripped leather of the booth, Kara wondered if Ed was here today. Mom usually had no problem chatting with her customers. Once when Kara asked why, Mom said that people liked it when you talked to them. It made them feel like you cared and they gave bigger tips. But Ed said that Mom's chatter kept people at their tables too long. Not that Kara ever noticed a line at the door.

"Then I'll get a coffee and a slice of pie," Mrs. Hess responded. "What's good?"

"I'll get you apple." Mom still sounded unhappy. Assuming that her presence here had gone unnoticed, Kara picked up one of the leftover fries that Mom snagged from a table when she cleared it. She dipped the fry in the milk shake that Alice, another waitress, had brought over, claiming that they had to empty the machine before they cleaned it. Kara savored the salty-sweet taste, before opening her book back to the page she was reading. This was at least her third time reading From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, but Kara never got tired of imagining living inside a library.

"Did you get a chance to review the information I sent on the enrichment program? Kara's been offered a spot free of charge." Mrs. Hess said a few minutes later. Kara perked up. Jennifer was enrolled in the enrichment program run by the local community college. Every Monday afternoon, her mother drove her over to the school and Jennifer got to do super fun things like make kites and learn about Egyptian Mummies. Jennifer always asked Kara to come, but her mother said that Kara needed permission from Mom and Kara didn't want to ask her mother for the money to pay for the class. "Kara is one of my top students and I know that she would benefit from the extra educational opportunities."

Debbie grunted, a sure sign that she didn't want to answer the question. "I saw that it's Monday afternoons over in Pratt. I work that day."

Mrs. Hess's response was quick, but her voice was soft. The way it was the time that Kara realized she forgot her lunch and didn't have money on account to buy any. "A few of the other parents are arranging a carpool. I'm sure they would be happy to transport Kara. She's such a polite little girl, and well liked."

There was a pause, and Kara held her breath. Hoping that Mom would let her go with Jennifer — Mrs. Hess might have said other parents but Kara knew better — Kara took a risk and peaked around the side of the booth. Mom's hands were in her pockets, her jaw tight, and Kara just knew that Mom was going to say no. Then Debbie looked up, catching sight of Kara.

"Maybe I can chip in for gas," Mom replied finally.

"A wonderful idea," Mrs. Hess chirped. "I'll just need you to sign the forms and Kara can start right away."

Kara flashed Mom a huge smile before ducking back into the booth. She was going to go to the classes with Jennifer! She hoped that they would talk about mummies again. And Jennifer mentioned they might go on a field trip to Topeka. Kara was so excited that she pulled out her notebook and started a list of all of the things that she was hoping to do.

She was so occupied that Kara didn't notice her mom until she sat in the booth across from Kara, smiling tiredly. "What do you have there?"

"A list of the things the kids who go to the community college classes have done," Kara explained, shooting Mom a grin. "I'm really hoping that I get to see the mummies. I think those would be so cool. Or maybe see an art museum. That would be awesome too. Did you know that some of the older kids went on a trip to Washington, D.C. and saw the White House? Can you imagine that?"

For some reason, Mom looked sad, and Kara's glow began to fade, then Mom smiled. She reached out, tucking a strand of hair behind Kara's ear. "My baby's going to be a world traveler. I just know it."

xxxxx

"My mom used to miss school conferences. And concert and award ceremonies," Kara said, the words spilling out. "She had to work and I knew that but, I guess it bothered me more than I realized. I didn't want to be that kind of parent. But..." Kara paused. "I guess you're right. Now, I think I understand."

Andrea crossed her arms over her chest, gazing out the window for so long that Kara wondered if she should leave. Then Andrea spoke. "Lily had started complaining about me missing things. She turned eleven, well, she would have turned eleven while we were gone. She was upset that I was missing her birthday and so we did a special weekend trip right before the Nathan James left. We went to New York City and had a tea party at the American Girl store."

Kara cracked a smile. "That doesn't quite seem like your style."

"It wasn't," Andrea admitted. She turned from the window, and Kara could see the tears in Andrea's eyes. "I wasn't a perfect mother, Kara. I was gone a lot. I missed a lot. My daughter died without me being able to tell her that I loved her one last time, even over the phone."

Kara thought about Debbie swallowing her pride to make sure that Kara was able to take the enrichment classes. She reached across the desk, touching Andrea's hand. "Lilly knew. Just like I knew that Debbie loved me, even when things were bad."

"Nobody is a perfect parent, Kara. Nobody." After a short pause, Andrea swiped the back of her hand across her eyes. "Now get out of here before Slattery starts beating down the door. Are we still meeting on Tuesday to discuss the fundraiser?"

"The party," Kara groaned. "I forgot that I was supposed to call Peter about the food. I better do that before Mrs. Abbot finds out. She's worse than a drill sergeant."

Andrea smiled gently. "We all have our demons, Kara."

xxxxx

Kara rubbed her belly as she walked into the living room, resisting the urge to scratch at her itchy skin. In the doorway she stopped, puzzled to see Danny bent over his laptop. "I thought you were caught up on paperwork?"

"What do you think about the trampoline park?" Danny asked without looking up.

"I think the girls would love it," Kara replied. She sank onto the couch. "Maybe next weekend?"

"I meant for their birthday," Danny replied. "Since their birthdays are only one day apart, I figured that we would go big. Maybe with a magician or face-painter. Or a petting zoo."

Kara blinked. "I was thinking we would go out to dinner and have cake."

Danny finally looked up. "You were thinking Chuck E Cheese? I think Sam had a party there a couple years back. Peter would probably have a heart attack."

"I meant the four of us having dinner together at Chez Peter," Kara clarified, rubbing at her stomach again. Why didn't anyone tell her that pregnancy was itchy? "I just got done helping Debbie with the wedding, and Mrs. Abbot is already running me ragged with the fundraiser. The girls are busy with activities. We don't really need anything else on our plate right now." Danny's silence was unnerving and Kara glanced over, noticing the rigid line of his jaw. She softened her voice. "Danny? What's wrong?"

Kara leaned over to take his hand, but Danny shook her off, moving back to the computer. "I can make the reservation."

Kara tried again, this time capturing Danny's hand. "Danny, what's wrong?"

His jaw moved, then moved again, the way it did when he was pissed but trying not to show it. "Zack and I were both April babies." There was another pause, but if Kara had learned anything over the past five years, it was that pushing Danny to talk never worked. Instead, she waited, rubbing her thumb over his hand. "We always celebrated together. Even used to do a joint party. When I think about being a kid, I remember those moments. The four of us all so happy."

"What type of parties?" Kara asked, taking the opportunity to close the laptop.

Danny stared into the distance. "We did Chuck E Cheese once. The movies another time. We rented out the entire movie theater and had a special showing of Jurassic Park."

"I didn't know that you were into dinosaurs," Kara replied when Danny stopped.

"I wasn't." Danny shrugged. "Zack loved that shit, though. The next year we did a batting cage for me. The year that Zack turned eighteen, we got to pick two friends to go on a ski weekend to Vermont."

"You picked a girl, didn't you," Kara teased, drawing a chuckle.

Danny settled back against the couch, slipping an arm around Kara's shoulder and tugging her until her head rested on his chest. "I tried but Mom was very clear that it was male friends only."

"She knew you too well."

"I wish," he stopped, and when he began again his voice cracked. "I just wish that they could see me now. My mom especially. She was probably the last to die based on..." He trailed off and Kara stroked her hand up and down his arm.

Remembering that night years ago when he first found out for certain that they were dead. Their bodies located and identified.

His parents, his brother, his sister-in-law and nieces.

All dead.

Long before Danny even knew about the virus.

A night when, despite all that there was between them, Danny came to her for comfort.

And she hadn't understood how much that meant.

That, when he was at his lowest, he came to her. Knowing that there was a real chance — a likely chance — that she would send him away.

Taking the risk because of how much he loved her.

Had always loved her.

Kara's throat tightened and she wanted to shake her former self for being such an idiot. For being so focused on protecting herself that she couldn't see how much she was hurting him. But even as she mentally berated herself, Kara knew that path would only lead to more guilt and turmoil.

"She watched Zack and Mandie and the girls all die and she didn't even know where I was," Danny rasped. "I just wish that she knew."

There was nothing to say.

Nothing that could make the heartbreak any better.

"I wish they could be here to see the life you built," Kara whispered, squeezing his arm. "They would be proud of you."

Danny swallowed. "I miss them."

Such simple words.

That held so much heartbreak.

Tears burned against the back of her eyes and Kara wondered, again, how any of them were still standing. Danny had lost his entire family — as well as their baby. Andrea lost her husband and daughter. Mike lost his son. Alisha lost Sarah. And yet, somehow, they all carried on.

Because they had to.

But no, that wasn't quite right. None of them had to go on. There was another path — one that Frankie and Amy Granderson and who knows how many others chose. Kara couldn't even say that it was the wrong path. But it was one that Kara never considered, some part of her unable to let go of that tiny grain of hope.

That the future would be better.

"I wish that I could have met your mother," Kara said, before correcting herself. "Met any of them. You once said that Zack and I had a lot in common. Although I never cared about dinosaurs."

Danny chuckled. "Zack grew out of that phase but what I meant was that you both always knew what you wanted and went after it. Once Zach made up his mind to do something, nothing was going to sway him from that path. No waffling." Danny's hand rubbed against her stomach. "On the other hand, I was the kid in a candy shop, unable to pick just one thing that I wanted. I was always switching from one sport to another or losing interest in new toys before Christmas was over. Mom stopped asking me who I was dating after a while because she said there were too many to keep track of."

"I think you're being too hard on yourself, Danny," Kara said softly. "Lots of kids want to try different things. Think about Stella and that painting class. We wouldn't have known how good she was if she hadn't seen the random poster and asked to sign up."

Danny didn't reply, and Kara waited, uncertain of what he was thinking. "Sometimes I can hear my dad's voice in my head reminding me to open the door or think twice and speak once. But I don't know what he would say about parenting a little girl." Danny's hand moved to Kara's belly. "Or about taking care of a baby."

"We could have the party at the trampoline park," Kara said a few minutes later. "If nothing else, it will wear them out."

Danny squeezed her arm. "The girls will love it. I promise."

Kara felt a lump forming in her throat as she imagined Stella or Delilah as an adult, sitting with their partner, laughing about the time they had their birthday party at the trampoline park.

The memories of the things they did as a family.

She squeezed Danny's hand. "So will we."