Maria sat in her hospital bed flipping through a magazine and enjoying the peace and quiet. It was something she considered a luxury, especially after two days of constant visitors. She never thought she'd say this but thank God for Arizona who shooed everyone away last night and threatened free rectal exams for anyone who showed up before 11:00 am today. The stealthy blonde fetal surgeon also managed to sneak her daughter in for morning cuddles along with her favorite coffee and breakfast sandwich, for which she was extremely grateful. Hearing some rustling at the door, she commented, "It's not quite 11:00 am yet, but I'm curious as to how you would perform your own rectal so come on in." Arizona chuckled, held up some paperwork and answered, "I'm here in an official capacity, thought I'd bust you out of here, Cal says I'm pretty flexible though, so if you'd rather see…" "Eww! Just no. Do you treat all your patients like this?" Arizona tapped her finger on her lip, looked up to the ceiling, and asked, "Do you mean do we let in more than one visitor at a time past visiting hours, make a schedule for childcare and visitation, keep their child overnight in our own homes, bring them to daycare, and sneak in food they shouldn't be eating? Nope, just the ones we don't like." Maria chuckled and turned her head to hide the pain from her doctor.
Arizona pulled up a stool and the bedside table and explained, "You're going to feel a little pain for a couple days whenever you flex that abdominal muscle. It should feel more like a tug after that then dwindle away depending on the amount and nature of the activity. You may always feel a little numbness in that area. No stretching, heavy lifting, sitting, or lying in one position for too long. I trust you know the spiel about getting your stitches wet and keeping them clean. I'll send you with a script for pain and some antibiotics, primarily because there's a tiny germ factory living in your house." Maria laughed and winced again, then revealed, "You're kinda funny when you aren't being a giant pain in the ass." Arizona popped her dimples and admitted, "I've heard that once or twice." Arizona raised the head of the bed and explained all the papers then informed her patient, "I want to see you back in a week, no work until then. If I let you go back the following week, it will be desk duty only. We grabbed you some clothes when we picked up Bella today, Lorraine will be taking you home and Miguel will be there shortly afterward. He has a trial this morning then is debriefing his staff before he takes his leave of absence." Maria furrowed her brow and asked, "Leave of absence?" Arizona nodded and answered, "Word has it his wife just had surgery and he wants to be at home for her." Maria rested her head back on the pillow, closed her eyes and hoped she could fight back the tears.
Arizona put down the railing, slid into the bed next to her friend, and wrapped her arm around her shoulder. Without being asked, Maria explained, "When we first got together, sometimes he would surprise me and call in on my day off. We'd just spend the whole day together. He'd take me to these weird places nobody ever heard of. We used to see who could top who on our birthdays with gifts and surprises. When I was pregnant with Bella, he'd work 12 hour days then come home and lotion my belly and cook dinner. He even took paternity leave so he could be with us. I mean, he did stay home after our child went missing in the woods, but we needed him, now he takes leave when I have surgery, when I'm weak. I made him this huge birthday dinner and he worked late, with her…Kate. I don't understand where I went wrong. Why am I not enough? What does she have that I don't?"
Arizona knew she was already in enemy territory because of her past, but she needed Maria to see and to understand the truth about herself, so she carefully inquired, "May I ask you something?" Maria nodded and the blonde prefaced her question with a statement similar to Maria's a couple days before, stating, "We aren't going to pretend you don't know what led to the downfall of our marriage correct?" Maria nodded and murmured, "I know." Arizona looked her friend square in the eye and explained, "Before I ask this question, you need to know, that I know…what I did was wrong, there will never be anything in this world to make it right, acceptable, or even comprehensible. There's no excuse and I take full responsibility. There will always be a piece of me that hates myself for what I did to Calliope. I don't care who you are, cheating in any capacity is not okay." Maria was shocked, she expected the blonde to defend her husband. From what she understood, Arizona never took responsibility, so this was a surprise. Seeing the expression on the other woman's face, Arizona confirmed, "She knows, we've talked about it and while she's found a better understanding and forgiveness, it's not something I can do just yet. I can't forgive myself, nor justify cheating." Maria nodded and asked, "What's your question?"
Arizona thought for a moment about how to word the question then finally asked, "Did something happen to Miguel shortly before he started talking to Kate? Did he lose a parent, a big case, get injured? Something he experienced, that in his mind, you couldn't relate to?" Maria's brow furrowed in concentration then her eyes widened as understanding washed over her and she whispered, "He was diagnosed with testicular cancer and one testicle was removed." Arizona nodded and asked, "Did he outright refuse or make up reasons not to have sex with you? Not to be close to you…physically?" Maria nodded and responded, "It took almost a year. We have sex now, but he won't let me touch it or you know…um do other things. Even emotionally though, we start to get close, then he picks a stupid fight." Arizona nodded and asked, "What does emotional closeness lead to?" Maria scrunched up her face and responded, "Sex, but…he let himself get close to Kate." Arizona replied, "Emotionally, because he needed that connection but he knew it wouldn't lead to sex with her because he could claim he was married and he didn't want sex. To him, what he was doing wasn't cheating, or at least he was trying to justify it so it didn't feel like that." Maria argued, "I told him it didn't matter to me, I loved him no matter what, I didn't marry him for that, I was patient, I took care of him, and I still wasn't enough. I'm only enough when I'm weak or something is wrong."
In that moment, with those words, a whole different understanding of both situations clicked in Arizona's brain and words just started to fall out of her mouth. "I used to pride myself on being this strong independent person, I could just go wherever and do whatever…or whoever, I wanted to." Maria chuckled at that and Arizona continued, "When I met Callie, we were the same in that regard and when one of us had a rough day, we'd pick each other up and move on. When her family disowned her, I remember how badly I wanted to be there for her, protect her, be her family. That's when I first realized I was falling hard and fast. I even told her dad I loved her before I told her. Then she came down with the chicken pox and though we'd gone through the tears, we were still in the sexy part of our relationship and oozing pustules didn't fall into that category so I pretended I never had them." Maria slapped her and scolded, "You did not!" Arizona went on, "Not my finest moment, but I watched her suffer all day and couldn't take it anymore so I climbed into the hospital bed with her and that's when I knew I wanted to take care of her for the rest of my life. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to be the strong one. I never envisioned a life where she would come home and find me in a puddle of my own piss or have to drag me into a shower fully clothed or take my clothes off, not because we were about to get freaky, but because I couldn't do it myself. When those eyes that used to be full of desire when she shoved me up against a shower wall held nothing but sadness, it hurt. So when I finally got brave enough to have sex, to give myself to the person I loved more than anyone in the world, I'd start to wonder if she saw the person she fell in love with or the person she picked up off the floor. Did she smell my arousal, my need for her, or my piss? And…and it stopped me…it freaked me out. I'd push her away and say I wasn't ready. I led her on time and time again…for months."
Both women were crying now and Arizona revealed, "I can't speak for Miguel, but everything you did for him, Callie, did for me…and more and I loved her all the more for it, but I resented her for it too. I resented the fact that she had to do it. She didn't sign up for that, she was bound by a piece of paper, not even a legal one. I just didn't know how she could love me or why she would love me and I convinced myself she was seeing the old me because she certainly couldn't love the person I'd become. I didn't even love me. I didn't cheat on Callie because of anything she did or didn't do or who she was. She was enough, she was more than enough. I wasn't enough for her. Callie was and always will be my everything. To put it in a nutshell, that other woman, she didn't know me before, she didn't see me at my weakest point, but she caught me at my weakest moment. It's still not okay!" Maria nodded in understanding and Arizona finished, "Miguel is a dude, his identity is tied up in his manhood, he's there for you during your weakest moments because he doesn't feel whole enough to be there for your strongest moments. Fix it before one of you has to walk away to make you both whole again. Tell him how you feel and make him listen. Don't tell him it doesn't matter to you. Tell him it matters very much, but it doesn't make him who he is or less of a person. But tell him in doing what he's doing, in feeling like he's not enough for you, he's making you feel that you aren't enough for him. You are though. You are enough." Maria hugged Arizona and whispered, "Thank you." Arizona pulled back, smirked and chirped, "And if that doesn't work, tell him at least you match now." Maria stared at her for a minute and declared, "Get the fuck out of my bed you sadistic asshole!" Arizona kissed her on the cheek and both women started giggling.
When Maria howled out in pain, Arizona looked up to adjust the meds in her IV and froze when she saw the figure standing near the door with tears streaming down her face. Maria followed her gaze and saw her best friend leaning against the wall holding her suitcase, trying to contain her sobs. Arizona climbed off the bed, looked from one woman to the other like a deer caught in the headlights, and Maria who noticed her friend still hadn't said anything, whispered, "I'd offer to leave, but…" Arizona nodded, walked to her wife, took the small suitcase out of her hand, set it by the door, then led her to the next empty patient room. Callie walked straight to the bed and sat down. She wasn't sure her legs would hold her up much longer. She always wanted to ask Arizona what took so long to come around to having sex, why she kept stopping them or making excuses. Then when they finally talked, she figured it was the anger from thinking her wife cut off her leg and she just got past it. But now, hearing this, she understood exactly how broken their line of communication was, as well as how extremely humiliating that time had to be for someone like Arizona. Her request for a therapist prior to even finding out if they were pregnant made far more sense now.
Arizona stood leaning on the closed door with her hands in the pockets of her lab coat, bouncing on the side of her right foot, chewing on the inside of her cheek and studying her wife's facial expression and body language. Though tears were still falling, she didn't appear to be actively crying, her jaw was slack, a full red lip was caught between perfect white teeth, and her gaze was focused on her lap where her hands were ringing furiously. She honestly couldn't gauge her mood. She didn't see signs of anger; her jaw wasn't clenched; her body wasn't closed off. Yet she couldn't tell if her wife was hurt from hearing the story or the fact that she even shared the story, or…or if she thought she was making excuses again. Not knowing what Callie needed from her, she stayed put and waited. She looked up when a broken and husky voice asked, "Will you come sit by me?" Not needing to be asked twice, Arizona rushed to Callie's side and breathed a sigh of relief when a strong tan arm wrapped around her and pulled her close.
Arizona rested her head on Callie's shoulder and her hand on her thigh and admitted, "I should have talked to you." Callie rubbed her shoulder, played with Arizona's wedding bands and asked, "Would I have listened?" Blue eyes lifted to brown in question and Callie revealed, "I was today years old when I finally heard what you heard all those times I said losing your leg didn't matter to me." Arizona snorted and Callie explained, "When you told Maria not to tell Miguel it doesn't matter to her, that it matters very much…that's when I finally got it. Losing your leg was EVERYTHING and your wife, the love of your life was saying it didn't matter and if that wasn't bad enough, you thought I was the one who took that from you. In my mind, I was saying I don't care what body you're in, it's the person inside that I love. But you heard, I don't care…period." Arizona took a deep breath and admitted, "Part of me thought I would handle this like I have dealt with everything else life threw at me you know? I'd get up and keep fighting. I didn't know I'd be so angry." Callie kissed her head and confessed, "Honestly, I thought the same thing. When it didn't happen that way, when you shut me out, I didn't…I was lost." The two sat quietly holding one another, both of them running through an encyclopedia of what ifs.
Callie was the first to speak up, "It never crossed my mind that…I mean it should have…you're such a proud and independent person, but I never even thought about the fact that you would see caretaker and wife as two different roles nor that you would have those thoughts. I didn't understand all those times when you said, 'You're not my doctor, you're my wife'. That…I wish I would have known how hard that was for you, for me to see you like that. For you to wonder what I was thinking." Arizona turned and laid down on the bed, pulling Callie with her so they were face to face, intertwined their legs, and lifted her hand to run through the soft stubble on the side of her head, absentmindedly murmuring, "It's time for a cut," before asking, "What could you have done? I chased everyone away." Callie shrugged, "I could've called your mother." Arizona snorted, "Real mature." Callie snickered and asked, "So all those times we got so close…" Arizona took a deep breath and answered, "At first it was the awkwardness. What goes where? Do I want her touching that? I couldn't get out of my own head. Then when we got past that, I would close my eyes and could only see you picking me up off the floor telling me I stink and crying that this is your life now too and I'd flash to me pushing you against the shower wall and how it would never happen again and started feeling sorry for myself. Then when you tried to go down there, I didn't want your face that close…I didn't want you to look at it and be repulsed by it, to remember you were married to the one legged woman." Callie wiped her tears and pulled her into her chest, whispering words of love and affirmation.
Pulling back Callie kissed her nose, tilted her head and asked, "What changed? That first night we made love, what was different?" Arizona kissed her softly and asked, "Do you remember in the x-ray room when I finally let you look at my leg and you took off the whole prosthetic?" Callie brushed a stray curl behind Arizona's ear and chuckled, "How could I forget? I thought you were going to take my head off." Arizona caressed her face, traced her eyes with her finger, and acknowledged, "That's the first time I let myself see how you were really looking at me. It's the first time I allowed myself to believe you wanted to touch me, you wanted to help. I didn't tell myself you flinched or looked away and when I felt your hands on me, when I felt your touch, it wasn't my doctor or my caretaker, it was my wife and when I saw the look in your eyes, I saw the joy, the happiness you felt from me allowing you just that little bit, just that brief moment of intimacy. That's when I realized how much I truly missed my wife, being intimate, touching you, having you touch me. I was scared to death, but I had to try." Callie kissed her softly and whispered, "I've always wanted you; I'll always want you." Arizona ran her tongue along Callie's top lip and pulled her in for a deep searing kiss. When she pulled back she asked, "Even when your son has me looking like a blonde Jabba the Hut?" Callie laughed and asked, "Depends on if you expect me to wear the gold bikini thing." Arizona looked to the ceiling and smirked, "Hmmm this has possibilities." Callie chuckled, smacked her butt and responded, "I'll especially want you then perv. You'll be carrying my baby."
The blonde got serious and asked, "Are you angry that I shared that with Maria?" Callie rubbed their noses together and answered, "Angry? No. Surprised? Yes. It's just, it's not something you share." Arizona made a face and quipped, "It's not something I'm proud of. But I couldn't let her keep believing it was her fault or that she wasn't enough. I made her promise to go back to therapy." Callie sat up and remembered, "Oh speaking of…our first session is tonight at 7:00 pm." When they started to get off the bed, Arizona bit her lip and asked, "Honey, are we…umm." Callie could hear the nervousness in Arizona's voice, turned and saw it written all over her face, popped off the bed, stood between her legs, and whispered, "We are perfect." She then proceeded to pour all the love she had for her wife into one kiss.
While they were walking back toward Maria's room Arizona asked, "I thought Lorraine was taking her home." Callie chuckled and responded, "It appears our dear friend has secrets." Both Maria, who had the help of a nurse getting dressed, and Arizona looked at her questioningly and Callie explained, "Do you remember how she said she was a nurse once upon a time?" Both women nodded and Callie clarified, "Apparently she's kept her certification active by volunteering in free clinics and going to conferences, so rather than scramble to put someone less qualified in your place, she's got Kim doing her job while she does yours." Both women chuckled and the nurse asked, "So am I going to even have a job when I return?" The ortho surgeon nodded and replied, I'm sure custodial has something open." Arizona laughed then stated, "That still doesn't explain how you're free." Callie answered, "I didn't have any surgeries scheduled today, finished my consults, did my morning rounds and left evening rounds and two reductions of the radius for Harding." Arizona nodded and answered, "Sounds fair."
The fetal surgeon signed the paperwork, handed the folder and prescriptions to Callie and when Maria started to get up, both surgeons gently pushed her back on the bed and her boss reminded her, "You know the drill." The other brunette huffed and grumbled her way into the wheelchair with the nurse's help. Arizona smirked at her wife and whispered, "Have fun." Callie leaned in to kiss her and suggested, "I'll pick you and Sof up at 4:30 pm, we can grab dinner, drop her off with Stevie, go to our appointment and see if I can't finagle a haircut out of them when we pick her up." Arizona brushed their lips together once again, smiled and replied, "Sounds good. I love you." Callie returned, "I love you too," as she walked out the door.
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Maria hobbled out of her bedroom, freshly showered and dressed in her most comfy pajamas to find Callie sprawled out on her loveseat drinking a Mountain Dew and watching TV. She settled into the bed her friend had made for her on the sofa and quipped, "No, please, make yourself comfortable." Callie laughed and asked, "Was I supposed to stand by the door and twiddle my thumbs? Besides, I made you a bed first." Maria reached for the bottle of water and prescription medication her friend set on the coffee table and asked, "Do I even need to ask what we're watching?" Callie turned up the television in that way people do when they think they are politely telling you to be quiet and replied, "Nope!" Making sure to pop the 'p'. Maria asked, "What is it with you and cooking shows anyway?" Callie explained, "My abuela Ortiz taught me how to cook, along with our chef growing up. After I got back from Botswana, I took a few classes. Arizona loved my cooking, when we met she could barely boil water. We would watch a lot of cooking shows together and I taught her to cook a few dishes. When Sofia was born, that's how she and Mark bonded, they took a cooking class together. It drove me insane. Anyway, after the crash, it brought us back together again. We wouldn't say anything, just watch American Bake-Off, then Top Chef, then this guy. I mean, food has always been a part of my life, but it's a passion Arizona and I share. The second night she was here, we fell asleep together on the couch watching food network." Maria nodded and turned her attention to the television.
After a few minutes of watching the baker sculpt a cake shaped like a tiger, Maria exclaimed, "Hey! Isn't that the place in Baltimore everyone raves about?" Callie turned down the television and responded, "Yeah, that's Duff Goldman from Charm City Cakes. I love this guy. He's so talented but so real and down to earth." She chuckled and admitted, "I actually tried to get him to make our wedding cake, but he has a waiting list going into next year. There was some big controversy a couple years back. He used to do all these cakes for famous people, even did Obama's cake for his Second Inaugural Ball, but the next president had a replica of the same cake made…not by him and he took a lot of shit for it. Now he won't have anything to do with politics." Maria made a face and admitted, "Not sure I would either." The two finished watching the show, periodically making comments about something that was said and the whole time, Callie couldn't help but think about how much more fun this was with Arizona.
When the show finished, Callie heated up some soup for Maria and herself and while they were eating, Maria asked, "So um, what were the tears for earlier? Are you two okay?" Callie swallowed her soup and took a drink of her pop and answered, "One of our biggest problems was we never talked. We're talking now, to each other and to other people and learning things we never knew. Things that make you wonder, 'If I knew that then, how would I have responded and if I responded differently, would she have responded differently?' and it takes you through this whole what if cycle." Maria nodded and asked, "What did you learn today?" Callie ate another spoonful of soup and thought about her answer then responded, "I learned that I never thought about her pride. I never understood why she was so adamant about me being her wife and not her doctor. I never knew she had those thoughts when we…when we tried. I never understood the damage I did when I told her it didn't matter to me. Most importantly, I learned just how broken our line of communication was. But I was also crying because she shared that with you. Maria, when I say she has never talked about that with anyone other than me and her therapist, I mean NEVER and NO ONE!" Maria dropped her spoon into her bowl upon hearing that and asked, "So why tell me?" Callie stirred her soup around in the bowl for a minute, she really wasn't sure herself.
Lifting up a spoonful and watching it fall back into the bowl, she revealed, "I wasn't there for the whole conversation, so I don't know what started it, but based upon the part I did hear, she was trying to help you not end up like us, the Seattle version of us. She also wanted you to know, to understand, this really isn't about you. You are enough. She doesn't want you to feel how I felt for all those years. This is about how Miguel feels about himself. When you were in therapy before, my guess is you addressed the cheating. This time, I think you need to address your feelings. You need to make him admit how he feels about losing part of his manhood and you need to tell him how shutting you out feels. Maybe, I don't know, but you might have some feelings about losing an ovary once things settle down. Me and Arizona, we never got to that point, talking about…anything. We were too busy being angry and hurling accusations." Maria pondered that for a minute and admitted, "If you ever tell her I said this, I'll deny it, but Arizona, she's a really good person and a great friend." Callie chuckled, "No worries there, she wouldn't believe me." Both women laughed and finished their soup.
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Callie and Arizona sat in the booth across from Sofia and chuckled as she slurped on her milkshake, linked her fingers together then asked, "So how is Maria feeling?" Callie shook her head at their mini adult and replied, "She's all settled in at home now." Arizona took a bite of one of the cheese sticks they ordered as an appetizer and groaned as it continued to ooze and refused to break. Callie took the other end, popped it in her mouth and the two chewed up the gooey cheese until their lips met. Sofia giggled and commented, "You looked like Lady and the Tramp!" Callie glared at her daughter and asked, "Are you saying I'm a scruffy old dog?" Sofia's eyes widened and she corrected, "No, I'm saying you're romantic!" Both mothers pursed their lips and said "Mmm hmm," at the same time. When the waiter came with the food, he called out the orders, "Grilled chicken sandwich, pickle on the side, roasted vegetables?" Arizona raised her hand and he continued, "Spicy chicken wrap and fries?" Callie raised her hand and he guessed, "And the burger with fresh oranges must go to the little lady." Sofia nodded, they all said thank you and he took their empty cups for refills.
While Callie and Arizona were going through their little ritual of trading food and talking about random stuff, both women started to understand why their daughter didn't order her normal chicken tenders and fries when an extra pickle appeared on Callie's plate and an extra tomato on Arizona's. The two women smiled at one another and each took a small helping of fries and vegetables from their own plates and added them to their daughter's plate without a word. Sofia beamed her super mega-watt smile from the other side of the table and if humans could turn to goo, each of them would swear they just did.
Callie took a bite of her wrap and asked, "So you never told us how the party went, only the horseback riding." Sofia swallowed her bite and waved her hands excitedly and exclaimed, "Oh my God! You were right. While Jess was unwrapping presents, two girls sat in the back and were snickering and giggling saying they were too big for toys and this was a baby party." Arizona's eyes got wide and she whispered, "Uh oh." Sofia continued, "When she got to my gift, one of the girls said, 'Oh wow, who still plays with babies?' So I stood up and said, 'I do, and Jess does and most of the kids here do because we are kids!' Then Kayla, the girl from the store stood up and said, 'What about Mr. Nanners? Isn't he in your bag right now? We are allowed to be kids as long as we want to be.' Then Stevie said, 'I have a room full of toys, Legos, cars, planes, all kinds of things. It's okay if you don't want to play with toys, but in my house, we don't laugh at people who are different than us. If you'd like, we can call and have your parents pick you up'." Callie and Arizona both smiled at their daughter and Arizona gushed, "We're really proud of you big girl. That took a lot of guts." Sofia sat up straight and tall and answered, "Thank you, Jordyn said I get it from my mommies and something about apples falling from trees." Callie nearly choked on her French fry from laughing so hard.
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After dropping Sofia off at Jordyn and Stevie's and talking them into a cut afterward, Callie and Arizona were on their way to Dr. G's office. Arizona giggled and asked, "You think someone was feeling left out of our little ritual?" Callie laughed and replied, "I swear I nearly turned to mush right there." Arizona shook her head and cooed, "That smile though." Callie replied, "And the story she told about the party, I'm just so proud of her." Arizona nodded, "Me too. It'll feel good to be just the three of us home this weekend." Callie nodded, "It's been one hell of a week." Arizona agreed and turned to look out the window.
Seeing the thoughtful expression on her wife's face, Callie took her hand and suggested, "If you don't feel comfortable with Dr. G, let me know. It won't hurt my feelings. I'll continue to see her individually but…" "Calliope?" Arizona cut in softly. The brunette glanced over and hummed in question, "Hmmm?" Arizona linked their fingers and answered, "You've said this every time we've talked about seeing someone together or me seeing someone out here. Be honest with me, are you not comfortable with me seeing Dr. G?" Callie let out a slow puff of air and asked, "Honestly?" Arizona nodded. "That's the only way we do things now." Callie nodded, bit her top lip and admitted, "Honestly…I wasn't comfortable with Dr. Dawson and didn't say anything because I was afraid you'd think I wasn't open to therapy because I complained about it so much and didn't go the first time you asked. So I just, I went and I tried, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I didn't trust her enough…maybe I…I just…I'm scared Arizona, we aren't having any problems, but I'm scared because the last time we were in therapy together…I just…I want you to be comfortable too and not just go because I like her." Arizona thought about that for a moment. It all made sense. Even the part about Callie not trusting Dr, Dawson. It was clear, but Arizona did think it was just reluctance. Kissing her wife's hand, she promised, "That's all understandable, it is, but this time it's different, we're different. If I don't get a good vibe, I'll tell you. I swear."
As soon as they walked in, Arizona saw a friendly looking older woman with greying red hair standing at the receptionist's desk. The woman smiled and exclaimed, "Cal and you must be Arizona, congratulations!" She turned to hug them and Arizona was surprised when her wife backed away declaring, "Oh no. You don't get to skip out on my wedding, say congratulations, then just hug me like nothing ever happened. I want my gift!" "Calliope!" Arizona was horrified, she had never seen her wife act that way. The older woman rolled her eyes, huffed, opened the door that led to several offices, and grumbled, "Come on then." When they reached the last office, the therapist opened the door and Arizona saw a large box with a bow on top and a small purple envelope sitting on the box. She handed Arizona the envelope and Callie the box and the blonde watched while her wife ripped it open like a kid on Christmas. Arizona looked at the ornate wooden frame which held a picture she had never seen before of the two of them in the back stairwell of the hospital, she was in her scrubs and white coat standing on a step above Callie gripping the lapels of her leather jacket pulling her in for a kiss. Under the photo was a small note written in calligraphy that said, 'True love conquers all'. On the very bottom of the frame was a small bronze plaque that said, 'Only if you're lucky enough!.'
Arizona shook her head, pointed to the frame and asked, "What is that?" Callie answered, "The first time I came in here, I told her I was getting my wife back. After I told her everything we'd been through, she said 'only if you're lucky enough'. I sent her this picture Lexie took of us in the stairwell and told her I expect her to frame it and have that engraved on the frame as a wedding gift." Arizona put her head in her hands and realized she was still holding the card. Callie prompted, "Open it!" Arizona carefully opened the envelope to find a small handwritten note and a Visa gift card. Reading the card it said, 'Dear Arizona, My condolences. Dr. G'. The blonde burst out into laughter then noticed the value on the card and said, "We can't accept this." The therapist nodded her head and said, "Of course you can dear, this visit more than covers the cost." Arizona looked from her wife to her therapist and was starting to realize the woman just couldn't form normal relationships. Then she wondered what that said about her.
After sitting down, Stella and Arizona formally introduced themselves and Stella explained that because she had other patients in Callie's circle of friends, she didn't want to make it uncomfortable for them and truly apologized for not attending because this was something they had worked hard for. Picking up her tablet, she smiled and said, "Since you've only been married two weeks and based on the smiles on your faces, I'm assuming you haven't run into trouble already, so what brings you here today?" She looked at both women and could see Arizona appeared to be calmer whereas Callie was tense and fidgety. She also noticed Arizona was aware of it and tried to soothe her wife by holding her hand. Deciding not to wait for an answer, she prompted, "Cal, talk to us." Callie looked at Arizona and answered, "The last time…the last time we were in therapy together…it was the last time I called Arizona my wife and I'm sitting here and I can only see the look of devastation on her face when I got up and walked out the door." Arizona closed her eyes briefly, looked down at their joined hands and up into brown eyes filled with such remorse. Standing up, she walked in front of her wife's chair, crouched down, took both hands in hers and said quietly, "Look at me Calliope. We talked about this. It was devastating and hard on both of us. But we were in a never ending cycle of pain and blame and I refuse to allow either of us to enter that cycle again, even if we are blaming ourselves. That's not why I asked to come the therapy. We are past all that. This is a new version of us." Callie visibly relaxed and nodded, she knew this, though she didn't realize how hard it would hit her until she sat down.
Stella was extremely impressed with the way Arizona handled that situation and could see how quickly Cal had settled down. Looking to the blonde, she asked, "Why did you want to come to therapy Arizona?" Looking to her wife to explain, Callie filled Stella in on the entire situation with finding Mark's letter, how they felt about it, even how Sofia felt about having a sibling and finally about their insemination attempts on their wedding night. Stella looked at the pair and said, "Wow! You two don't do anything half-assed do you?" Both women chuckled and shook their heads. Stella asked again, "So why therapy if everything is going well Arizona?" Arizona took a deep breath and replied, "I'm here for tools." Stella furrowed her brow and asked, "Tools?" Arizona nodded and explained, "I'm not expecting you to break any confidences here, but I'm assuming you know two of my biggest weaknesses are my inability or unwillingness to ask for help and my complete and utter failure to communicate my feelings and needs when its most important. I need tools, coping skills."
She looked at Callie and clarified, "I asked to come to therapy because every time something has happened in the past, we haven't had tools in our toolbox to fix it. Even if it's something good like a baby, I want tools. I want to know if we should expect the hormones to trigger my PTSD and if they do, what can we do? Are there depression meds that won't hurt the baby? I want to know it's okay to ask for your help when I can't put my leg on or get it off when I get too fat and what we will do if you get called for an emergency in the middle of the night or if I have to pee. Pregnant people pee a lot. Or, or…or morning sickness, I'll have to sleep with my leg on. I want to have coping skills…with dignity, no bathroom chairs by the bed, no bed pans…no…no cleaning me up…unless it's after the birth and I need your help. I need to know what to do so I don't go back to that dark place if we don't get a leg built in time and I need to be in a wheelchair for part of my pregnancy. I want to be able to see the payoff is worth it. I want to know how to accept help from my overprotective wife who isn't going to want me to lift a finger and understand it's because I'm pregnant and not because I'm disabled. Most importantly, I want to be able to properly communicate those things with you and not shut you out. Tools Calliope. I need to know we can fix things before they break." Both women watched as tears ran down the blonde's face. Callie realized for the first time just how scared Arizona was but she wasn't scared of pregnancy; she was scared of breaking them.
Callie got up from her chair, scooped Arizona up, walked her to the small sofa near the window, and held her while she sobbed. Stella watched as the two women interacted. She hadn't even opened the 6 inch file Arizona had transferred from Dr. Dawson's office. She preferred to form her own opinions then refer to previous treatment if need be. What it sounded like to her is Arizona didn't want tools as much as she wanted a plan which made sense given what Callie had already shared about her type – A personality. Tuning back in, she heard, "I just don't want to mess this up." Furrowing her brow, Dr. G asked, "A pregnancy?" Arizona shook her head and waved between the two of them. Callie took a deep breath and soothed, "Baby, you didn't break us alone." Stella nodded and confirmed, "I have a son about to start his second year at Hopkins who can confirm that." Callie shot her therapist a glare and Arizona giggled. Stella handed the blonde a box of tissue and suggested, "It sounds to me that you want more of a plan or a back up plan. Am I correct?" Arizona wiped her eyes and nodded.
Stella pulled out her tablet and started, "Let's talk about your biggest concern first. I'm assuming that's the PTSD." Arizona nodded and Stella continued, "While it is possible for a pregnancy to trigger PTSD, the disorder is usually already active and being treated and the pregnancy hormones heighten the depression and anxiety. In some cases, 3 out of 4 in a college study, show that signs and symptoms of PTSD are lessened. When was your last episode?" Arizona looked at Callie sheepishly and said quietly, "Two years ago, when I came out to enroll Sofia in school." Callie took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She hated thinking about seeing Arizona that way. Stella nodded, she remembered that as being Callie's trigger point for realizing what she'd done and responded, "If by chance yours returns, we treat it with a low dose of antidepressant and talk therapy. Now your second biggest concern would be?" Arizona looked at Callie and answered, "My leg, but we are working on one to make concessions for balance and weight gain." Stella nodded and offered, "May I suggest you consider a removable strap to help pull it on?" Both women looked at one another and smiled. That was a perfect solution. The older woman suggested, I know you won't like the idea, but as your baby grows, crutches aren't safe, so if Cal isn't there to help you, I'd suggest keeping your wheelchair by your bed. Also, Sofia is old enough to help now." Arizona nodded, she didn't want her children to have to deal with that, but she knew it was that or her dignity.
Callie added, "A lot of women have evening sickness, so that may not even be a concern." Arizona realized how many of her patients say they get sick in the afternoon or evening so she supposed she could be jumping the gun on that. Dr G pointed her thumb at Callie and declared, "And this one, you married her honey, twice. You knew what you were getting yourself into. But yes, you have to remember that Cal doesn't see your leg as a disability and doesn't do things for you because of it. She does all the things she does as romantic gestures and because you're her wife and its who she is, and once you get pregnant, she's going to be a giddy, excited, ever-loving pain in the ass!" Arizona threw her head back and laughed then looked at her wife, who was scowling at the other woman, kissed her cheek and proclaimed, "Yes, but you're MY ever-loving pain in the ass." The older woman sat back and proclaimed, "The most important tool you need is within you Arizona." The blonde arched her brow in question and asked, "Me? I already have it?" Stella nodded and revealed, "It's your voice. Just like you told Callie you needed to come see me and you told us what you wanted and needed, you need to keep doing that and you, your marriage, and your baby, will be just fine." Arizona breathed a huge sigh of relief, relaxed into Callie's body, and pulled her arms around her. Callie looked up, saw Dr. G watching them closely, and smiled when her therapist said, "I get it now."
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On the way back to pick up Sofia, Callie stopped at a smoothie shop, ordered their favorite drinks, passed Arizona hers, linked their fingers, and asked, "Do you feel more settled?" Arizona took a big drink until she winced in pain from brain freeze and answered, "I do, thanks for indulging me. I just, our life is so amazing now and I guess sometimes I do find myself waiting for that other shoe to drop. How do you feel?" Callie shook her head and answered, "I didn't expect to have that reaction. I…It wasn't easy on me either baby, I had nightmares about it for months." Arizona squeezed her hand tight and promised, "No more nightmares. Only good dreams." Callie kissed the back of Arizona's hand and asked, "Will you do me a favor?" Arizona returned the kiss, smiled and said, "Anything." Callie pulled into Jordyn's driveway, put the car in park, took both of Arizona's hands and asked gently, "I need you to try to start forgiving yourself. I know the cheating may take longer, but Arizona, you are taking on all the blame for the breakdown of our marriage and that's not healthy and it's just not the case. You were an awesome girlfriend and an amazing wife and we both made mistakes before and after the accident. Even after the accident, we were good for a while, after the cheating, we were good for a while. I'm not responsible for all the good and you aren't responsible for all the bad. We both made mistakes. I made monumental mistakes and you've forgiven me, you even defend me, please work on forgiving yourself. I have forgiven you." Callie wiped the lone tear that rolled down Arizona's cheek and kissed her softly. The blonde nodded and promised, "I'll try." Callie pulled her in for a long passionate kiss and replied, "That's all I can ask." Arizona smiled, tousled the back of Callie's hair and teased, "Let's go get you groomed tramp." Callie opened her door and drolly replied, "Ha ha. I see what you did there."
While the girls and Steven were in the bedroom playing, Jordyn and Stevie filled Callie and Arizona in on the birthday party and the talk they had with the girls' parents afterward. Arizona was laughing so hard she could barely breathe and wheezed out, "I can't believe you gave the gifts back!" Stevie defended, "One was a top of the line makeup kit like we use at the shop and the other was a miniskirt that could have passed for a head band!" Jordyn added, "The makeup dad was very understanding, apologized for the gift, gave Jess a 50 dollar bill and made his daughter apologize. The mini skirt mom had some very off-color and offensive things to say about Stevie and our family and we showed her the door." Callie Just shook her head and said, "As hard as we try, we can't keep them away from it." Stevie nodded and remarked, "Fortunately, our kids were in the bedroom, but her daughter heard it and will no doubt be repeating it."
When Stevie was finished with the top of Cal's hair, they looked to Jordyn and asked, "Can you go get Arizona's gift babe?" Arizona and Callie looked at one another in confusion until Jordyn came out with a pink plastic case much like Stevie's black one. When she opened the box and saw a brand new pink set of clippers and all the guards, she put it on the table and started backing up and waving her hands saying, "Oh no. Nope, un unh, not gonna happen." Callie furrowed her brow wondering what her wife was freaking out about, looked in the box, and for some reason she couldn't explain, the idea of Arizona shaving her sides made her feel all warm and tingly inside. It was intimate and sweet and something they'd never done before. This was a part of her Arizona could share in like she used to braid her hair. Grabbing Arizona's hand, she pulled her onto her lap and whispered in her ear, "Come on honey. Just try it. It can be our thing. Wake up on Saturday or Sunday morning, have our coffee, do my hair, shower to get the little pieces off. It's a part of the new me you can share in like when you used to do my hair or makeup. Stevie can still do the top once a month, but this way I don't get so shaggy. You have a steady and precise hand, I'm not worried." Arizona bit her bottom lip, the idea did appeal to her especially the way Callie made it sound and it was a way to share in her new identity. Nodding, she got off her wife's lap and asked, "What do I do?"
Stevie explained how the clippers worked, showed the blonde how to switch out the guards and declared, "I even labeled them with directions. This here is a one and you use this first all over the shaved part in an upward motion even over the ears." They demonstrated a couple rows then let Arizona take over. After she was finished, they showed her how to go back and clean up the curves of the skull. After that she demonstrated the point five and where to start ant stop, then the zero and how to fix the hairline. When she was finished, she was extremely proud of herself and the others were thoroughly impressed. Callie kissed her cheek and gushed, "I knew you could do it!" Arizona grinned mischievously and warned, stay on my good side Robbins-Torres or you'll wake up with my name shaved in your head." Stevie started to laugh and Jordyn asked Callie, "Why do I believe her?" Callie shivered and said, "She's a Scorpio, they don't make empty promises or threats."
A/N: Another chapter with a lot going on. I'm really liking the bond between Maria and Arizona. Also thought I'd give a little more background on Maria's marriage. A long time ago a reviewer said they'd like to know why it took Arizona so long to come around to having sex and this just kind of presented itself. Also, I believe it was Mondlerfankay who said something about Arizona learning to cut Callie's hair. Hope you enjoyed. Remember, this is one finger typing, so when I gain full use again, I'll go back and make corrections.
For the reviewer who asked who Jeffrey Adam is to Callie, there's a little easter egg in this chapter that gives away his identity.