The Wrong Prince.
Chapter Nine
This had to be hell, nothing could be worse than this. Cersei was sure of it.
The taste of bile was still thick on her tongue and Cersei screwed her eyes shut and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, but her stomach was still rolling, and she was certain that she would be sick again if she tried to eat anything again that morning, what had brought this on was a plate of whiskerfish that had been served with a rich egg sauce and the smell of it had been enough to make her lose her stomach.
There had been nothing in her stomach to bring up and so her chamber pot only had bile in it but that did little to comfort her, and Cersei gagged again but she managed to hold it back and she rose to her feet and averted her gaze from the table as she was sure that the mere sight of her plate would have her bent over her chamber pot once again, she walked over to the door and told the maid waiting outside to come and take the food away.
Once it had been taken Cersei went to lie down on her bed until her stomach settled, her hand rubbing her belly and she had to wonder when the babe would be big enough for her to feel their kicking, she had always wondered what it would feel like, she was sure that she had asked her lady mother what it had felt like when she was pregnant with the little monster that would end up killing her by bringing him into the world.
But she had only been a little girl at the time, and she could not remember what her mother had told her, the more time passed Cersei found that she remembered her less and less, and that thought made tears spring to her eyes and a ragged sob escaped from her throat, the tears were coming more easily to her as of late whereas normally she would always do her best to not cry at all.
She roughly wiped at her eyes, her tears were weakness, and she would not be weak. Cersei rose to her feet and walked over to the door of her chamber and pulled it open and spoke to the maid who waiting outside. "Take my plate away and tell the kitchens to make me a pot of mint tea, and to add a spoonful of honey."
"Yes princess," the maid bowed her head and went to take the plate away before leaving, Cersei shutting the door behind her and moving to sit back down at the table, her hand resting on her stomach.
Her nausea did not go away as time passed, in fact it only seemed to grow, and a pain was starting to form behind her eyes, she had headaches before of course but none of them had ever felt like this. It was sharp, and it made her eyes water.
By the time her maid had returned Cersei felt even worse and the thought of drinking the tea simply made her feel worse. "Go and fetch the Maester, now!" The foolish girl ran off and once she had gone Cersei slid out of her chair and knelt on the floor, the nausea turned into pain, sharp as daggers and she felt something wet trickling down her thighs, and as her heart sank when the realisation set in that it had to be blood.
The maester and her maid found her bent over and sobbing roughly, her blood was turning the pale stone of the floor of her room pink. Her maid screamed and Cersei would have slapped her if she had the strength to stand, the Maester moved to her side quickly and helped her to her feet and helped her over to the bed, her blood was already soaking the covers and turning them red.
Cersei knew that the Maester was asking her questions but she could not focus on any of them, the pain was too great to bear and her heart was aching as well.
The world seemed to flash in and out in front of her eyes, like someone was holding a candle right in front of her eyes to blind her and kept pulling it away for short moments. Cersei felt herself falling backwards, the back of her head hitting the softness of her mattress and she might have been able to fall asleep right then were it not for the pain and the terror and the terrible grief.
When the world came back into focus Cersei's held felt like someone had filled it with a cloud and her husband was standing over her, his lover standing over his shoulder. She had never seen him look so sad before, it surprised her how much she cared about that and Cersei opened her mouth and tried to speak, to say something, anything, when the Maester was upon her and poured some sickly sweet mixture down her throat.
Whatever it had been it it sent her back into the world of sleep, her dreams had been terrible. She had been standing in the shadow of Casterly Rock and the great mountain had split open, a flood of blood and worms had spilt out and came up to her waist and the sky was filled with thousands of giant eyes, all a terrifying green that were flecked with gold, all looking down at her with disapproval.
When she woke again Cersei was alone in the darkness of her bedchamber, the air was scented heavily with lilac and lavender but underneath there was the coppery scent of blood. Cersei stared at the patterns on the ceiling of the room, she had always thought that they were beautiful, the circles within circles almost soothing in a way but now they simply hurt her eyes.
She didn't know how long she laid there, she knew that she did not sleep at all as the room slowly filled with sunlight and yet she had never felt more cold than she did in that moment, all of her joy had fled from her in a rush of blood.
Cersei was not a fool, she knew that the only thing she was valued as was as a broodmare and even here in Dorne, which pretended to be so much better than the rest of the realm was different when it came to that, and now that they had seen her fail once then they would no doubt be plotting for her to fail again, if she could not produce an heir then her marriage could be set aside as easily as it had been put together.
She felt tears running down her cheeks and she could hear her aunt's voice chastising her from within her mind, a lion did not weep and yet that did nothing to stop the tears from falling, it only caused a sharp blade of shame to burn inside of her along side all of the pain that she already felt.
The day passed into night in a blur, every hour seeming to somehow both passing too quickly and too slowly and she tried to sleep as much as the time as she could, though her dreams were no less terrible than the first one had been.
Her maids woke her then, their linen dresses had been dyed black and Cersei realised with a pang that Sunspear must have entered mourning, they had made such a statement when they announced that she was pregnant to all the assembled lords and ladies and now all of them no doubt knew of her failure. "Where is my husband?" She asked Nerrta, the older of her two maids as she was preparing a bath for her.
"Prince Doran is with Lady Mellario, Princess," And now the pang was a knife, sawing in and out of her and for a moment Cersei found it impossible to breath. She had hoped that she would soon be rid of that woman at last, she did not know the full details of the argument between them and she had not asked Doran to tell her about it lest she lost the fondness she had gain but the lowborn loved nothing better than to gossip about their betters.
And so it had not taken her long to learn that their had been an argument between them that same night that they had announced that she was with child and Doran had not gone to see her once since, all of his personal time had been spent with Cersei then and Cersei had delighted in it, in part because she had fond herself truly enjoying his company, his touches, his kisses and the way the bristles of his beard had scratched at the tender skin of her thighs.
But also because it seemed to her that it meant that soon the other woman would be gone from Sunspear, that Cersei's position would be secured and her child would have to do with no threat of usurpation by their bastard sister but now the gods had smashed down her hopes, she had failed and Doran had gone back to her, no doubt they were laughing at her as she was lost in misery and ruin.
Cersei climbed into the bath and stared straight ahead, saying nothing as Nerrta scrubbed her back and Svalla washed her hair, Cersei waited until they were done and dismissed them both before climbing back into bed, she would not dress to endure the pity that would be waiting for her outside the walls.
She was left alone then until her maids returned in the afternoon bring bread and cheese and olives, she ordered them to take it away. The maester came next to check her, Cersei screamed at him to leave her.
The sky was black as coal and the moon was fat when her husband finally came to see her, he looked about as awful as he felt with dull red eyes and black bags underneath them and he looked like a stiff breeze would knock him over. "They tell me you are not eating." His voice was rough, like he had swallow glassed and it had ruined the insides of his throat.
"I do not see what business it is of yours."
"I am your husband, I care about your wellbeing."
"Truly? Then why were you not here when I awoke or the morning after, where were you when the bloody business was done? I woke alone and you were with that woman, instead of at my side." The anger came easily, it was better than the grief and the all-consuming pain just beneath it, if she was to hurt then why not let everyone else hurt as well.
Doran swallowed roughly, "my lady, you have been asleep for days and days, you have been fed with water and honey to keep you alive. The loss of the babe was...it was very hard on your body, harder than it should have been. I have been at your side for many of those days, but Dorne still demands my attention and when you woke, I am not made of stone, I needed comfort."
"So you ran back to your whore," she had not called her that to him in a while, Cersei knew it was the best way to inflame his temper with her and she could see it, the way his jaw set into a harsh line and his eyes burned but as soon as it was there it was gone.
"My lady, I am truly sorry I was not here when you woke. I should have been, but I was not and anything I could say would not be enough to make that right. I am here now, please. Let me offer you comfort, let us be united in our grief." He took a step towards her, and Cersei drew back.
"Just...go, I do not want to see you." Cersei spun and stalked over to her window and stared out into the night, her eyes burning with tears that she would not allow to fall. She could feel Doran looking at her, his eyes burrowing into her. After a time he sighed and she heard him walking over to the door of the chamber and pulling it open, his voice was quiet but firm when he spoke.
"I will have food sent up in the morning for you to break your fast, please eat it," And with that he was gone and Cersei was alone and for the longest time she did not move away from the window.
She only drew back when a cry rose up from the city, it was a woman's voice high and thin and the noise it was making was awful. It was joined by another and another and another until Cersei left her chamber for the first time to hammer on the small cell that Nerrta and Svalla shared next to her chambers to wake the older woman up and bring her over to the window. "What is that noise? What are they doing?"
"Is is the old wise women of the orphans of the Greenblood, my princess. They are showing their grief."
"But why are they making that noise!?" Cersei cried, suddenly wanting nothing more than for someone to go down into the city and cut all of their throats in order to make it stop, it was an awful sound and it seemed to have no end, only growing louder with each second that passed.
"It is the wailing my princess, when it comes to grief the orphans of the Greenblood do not believe in showing restraint, grief should be let out, it should be thrown out into the world in order to better move past it, in the first light of morning they will sing the old songs of the Rhoynar so the soul of your poor babe will find their way to the arms of the Mother Rhoyne."
Cersei turned back to the window, in Westeros grief was shown by singing songs and lighting candles and standing in silent prayer in septs as old septons droned on and one, reading from dusty tomes as they spoke of the rewards that would be waiting for the righteous souls in the finest of the seven heavens.
Cersei Lannister did not want to pray, she did not want to sing. Cersei Lannister just wanted to scream.
And so she did, she screamed into the wind. She screamed louder than she had done before in her life, she screamed until her throat was raw and her eyes were red and stinging from her tears and her hands were scrapped raw from slamming them into the ledge of her window, she screamed until she drowned out the wailing of those foolish old woman.
She just screamed.
When she could scream no more she asked for Nerrta to bring her a glass of water with honey added and the drippings of a lemon squeezed into it to sooth her raw throat and when the cup was empty she climbed into the bed and no dreams came to hunt her that night, she was woken by the songs of the old wise women as the sun gently filled her room and though she could not understand the words they were sad enough to bring tears to her eyes, but soothing enough that a part of her did not wish for them to stop.
It was not long after she had dressed that the food her husband had told her about came to her chamber, and with it came Mellario.
"Why are you here?"
"Doran is worried that you will not eat, I am here to ensure that you do," Mellario said as walked into her chambers like she owned them, not even the slightest amount of humbleness about her. Cersei remembered the conversation they had when the older woman told her that she would show her all due deference in public but in private they were closer to equals than a woman like that would be anywhere north of the red mountains.
"You are not my mother, if I choose to eat then I will do it by my own choice," Cersei spat at her and then narrowed her eyes. "Why did you really come? Have you come to mock me? To rub my failure into my face, to enjoy your victory?"
"What did they do to you?" Mellario asked softly, and for a moment Cersei was so thrown by her words that she did not know what to say. "I know Westeros can be terrible to it's children, but what awful place is this Casterly Rock that this is your first instinct? To assume that I would come here to revel in your grief? You have gone through something terrible, a heartbreak that knows no equal and your first thought is that I must be here to enjoy it? Never. This Lord Tywin must be a true monster to have done this to you."
The instinct to defend him was there, right there, at the very tip of her tongue. After all Lord Tywin was her lord father and anyone who besmirched the honour of their house could not be allowed to do so with impunity, Cersei had learned that at her father's knee, and she had always treasured those secret smiles he had given just for her.
But she didn't have time to say anything like that, as Mellario stepped forward and kept talking. "I would never, despite whatever animosity lies between us now and whatever battles that might be fought between us in the future. Princess, Cersei, I am so sorry for your loss and while I know there is nothing I can to do make it better, I would offer you whatever comfort that I could."
Cersei could not respond to that, she didn't know how to. Her eyes were burning again, and Aunt Genna told her not to weep, to never weep, and Lord Tywin told her to never bring shame to their house and that love was worthless and she had to be strong and it was too much.
Cersei's knees buckled, and she began to sob. She sobbed until she could not stop and she sobbed even as Mellario's warm arms wrapped around her and held her close, rubbing her back as she cried.
And Cersei Lannister just kept sobbing.
End of Chapter Nine