Author's Note: This takes place when Elliot returns after his ten year absence, but what he doesn't know is that he left something very big behind.
The back story of the years Elliot missed is told in chapters one and two through flashbacks, so the dates at the beginning of each section are important. Forgive me if a few of the dates are slightly off, but I tried to get them as close as possible.
The alternate title for this little project is "Abbie's Baby Fic" :) A few months ago after mentioning this fic as a one-shot I was casually working on, Abbie asked (demanded) to read it and encouraged (threatened) me to expand it and finish it. The ending isn't complete just yet, but there will probably be four chapters.
Thanks for reading! I'd love to know your thoughts!
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March 6, 2021
"Liv!"
Olivia froze at the sound of her name coming from a voice she hadn't heard in ten years. Although she'd just seen his wife on the gurney, there was no way he was really here.
Slowly, she turned around and was shocked to see her son's beautiful blue eyes staring into hers. Except it wasn't her son standing in front of her; it was his father.
"Elliot," Olivia breathed in disbelief.
Unable to stop herself, she began walking toward him as he started toward her, a myriad of emotions running through her in the seconds it took to reach him; anger, relief, frustration, fear, and other feelings she couldn't quite identify. When they were nearly toe to toe, they stopped, their eyes taking each other in for the first time in ten years.
Elliot.
Somehow, after ten years of silence, absolutely no contact, Elliot Stabler was actually standing in front of her.
In an instant, while the flames and smoke swirled around her, time seemed to stand still as twelve years of partnership flashed through Olivia's mind, followed by ten years of loneliness. The time she and Elliot spent together had been some of the best years of her life, and the time they spent apart had been some of her hardest. While Olivia had received the biggest blessing of her entire life while he was gone, the grief she felt at experiencing everything without him was unfathomable.
Finally, Elliot spoke. "They tried to kill her. They tried to kill Kathy."
The next few minutes were a blur of lights and sirens. Despite the chaos around her, Olivia couldn't stop herself from drifting back to that day ten years ago, the day her entire life was turned upside down.
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February 9, 2011
Today had been one of the worst days. Olivia continually replayed Sonja Paxton's last moments over and over as she stood under the shower stream. Sonja had died a horrible, violent death, and Olivia could only hope that there would be enough evidence to find the person responsible.
She also replayed the moments after, once Elliot arrived. Olivia didn't know he was on his way back from Quantico, and she couldn't describe the overwhelming relief she felt once she laid eyes on him. He took her in his arms, both of them reaching for each other as if it was a reflex, both desperately needing the comfort of each other.
Once Elliot embraced her, Olivia felt like she could finally breathe. They'd rarely touched like that, only in the aftermath of one other crisis situation, but in that moment, after experiencing a loss in such a violent manner, the safety and protection of his arms was exactly what she needed.
Olivia had just curled up on the couch with a glass of wine when there was a knock on her door. She was surprised to see Elliot on the other side.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
Elliot held up a takeout bag. "Dinner," he answered with a small smile. "I know you, and I know you haven't eaten anything. I also…I know today was hard, and I didn't want you to be alone tonight."
Olivia sighed, wrestling with the decision to let him in. He'd been away from his family for several days, and she knew they needed him. At the same time, he was her partner, and if she admitted it to herself, she needed him as well.
"But you just got home. Won't Kathy and the kids wonder where you are?"
Elliot shook his head. "No one knows I'm back in town yet. I went by the precinct for a bit before getting dinner." He took a step toward her. "So, are you going to invite me in?"
Olivia wordlessly stepped aside to let him inside, and a few minutes later, they were side by side on the couch with their dinner in their laps and a late night talk show on television.
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February 10, 2011
Olivia cautiously lifted Elliot's arm from around her waist, slipping out of bed, trying not to wake him just yet. She locked herself in the bathroom, hoping he'd be gone by the time she showered. Looking up in the mirror, Olivia could see the marks Elliot left on her, evidence of their indiscretion written all over her body. Her hands rested against the counter as she tried to hold herself up, unable to look at her reflection any more.
"What did we do?" she whispered.
As she washed his touch off of her body, Olivia's mind flashed with moments from their night together, the feel of Elliot above her, beneath her, his hands and his lips tracing her every line and curve, his skin and muscles under her hands. It was everything she'd dreamed of and more. For twelve years, she'd thought about it, and nothing her imagination could create would ever compare to the real thing.
It was everything. As horribly wrong as it was, it was everything.
After her shower, Olivia towel-dried her hair and slipped on her thin silk robe. Stepping out of the bathroom, she froze when she saw Elliot was still in her bed. His eyes opened, and she quickly looked away, unable to meet his gaze for even a second.
Rushing to her closet, she gathered clothes for the day. If they didn't hurry, they'd be late for work. Olivia hoped she could get rid of Elliot quickly, knowing the Captain didn't need to see them arriving together, fearing he would know exactly what they'd done.
"Liv," she heard quietly, his voice shaking her from her thoughts.
"Elliot."
"Why are you up so early?" he asked, sleepily rubbing his eyes in a boyish way that made Olivia's heart flutter once again.
"We have work. You have to go, now," she insisted. "We're going to be late, and we can't show up together."
He sighed loudly. "I pick you up for work all the time. It's no big deal."
Olivia scoffed. "No big deal?" she grumbled quietly under her breath.
As she walked past him to grab her undergarments from the dresser drawer, Elliot caught her arm, stopping her in her tracks.
"Let go of me," Olivia said, still refusing to meet his eyes.
"Liv," he pleaded. "Look at me."
"No," she said, her voice shaking as she fought back the flood of tears threatening to breach their dam.
Elliot's grip on her arm loosened slightly, as he heard the turmoil in her voice. He turned her around, rising from the bed as his other hand lifted her chin until her eyes finally met his.
Staring into his eyes, seeing everything he was feeling, Olivia could no longer hold herself together, reluctantly allowing one tear to roll down her cheek. As Elliot reached for it, she softly said, "Don't."
They were unsure how long they stared at each other, their eyes silently conveying all of the emotions they didn't dare to say out loud. Olivia was terrified by the look of affection in Elliot's eyes, and he was heartbroken by the pain and guilt in hers.
Finally, Elliot broke their silence. "Are you ok?" he whispered.
"I'm fine," Olivia answered quickly, too quickly.
"We need to talk about this," he pressed.
"We have work, Elliot," she asserted, trying to pull away from him.
Elliot sighed, accepting that the conversation was not happening, at least not yet. "No I know, we need to get going before Cragen sends out a search party. But tonight, when things are wrapped up for the day, we need to talk."
As another tear rolled down Olivia's cheek, she wiped it as she pulled away from him. Reluctantly, Elliot let her go. He went to the shower as Olivia pulled clothes for him from her closet. A few days ago, she'd taken all of the extra clothes from both of their lockers home to wash, and she hadn't returned his yet. She selected her favorite blue shirt of his, one that matched his eyes perfectly, gently fingering the material before returning it to the closet, something inside of her telling her she may need the comfort of it later.
When Elliot was dressed, Olivia grabbed her keys and phone as she started toward the door. Before she could open it, Elliot was turning her around again.
"I just need a second."
Trying to pull away and avoid whatever this was, Olivia argued, "We have to go, Elliot."
"I know, but I..." He pulled her close against him again, and Olivia could feel tears welling up once more. "When we step out that door, we become Benson and Stabler again. But I just want one more second of Liv and El before we go. Please."
Forever unable to refuse him, Olivia nodded as Elliot's forehead rested against hers. She allowed herself to lean against him as she also allowed one final tear to fall. When she felt herself beginning to sink into his embrace, she pulled back.
"We have to go."
"I know." Elliot sweetly pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, grasping at the final moments of having her like this, before finally allowing her to slip completely from his arms.
The ride to the precinct was silent. Elliot stopped for coffee, as if he knew they would both need it to get through this day. When they pulled into the parking spot, before getting out of the car, Elliot took Olivia's hand, giving it a squeeze.
"We're gonna be ok, Liv. We will."
Olivia nodded, and she wished she could believe him. But deep down, she somehow knew things would never be the same.
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March 25, 2011
Olivia sat on the edge of her tub, her knee nervously bouncing as she stared at the slim piece of plastic on her counter. The pounding of her heartbeat was the only sound, but it echoed throughout her small bathroom, amplified by the cramped space.
It would be the longest three minutes of her life.
As she waited, she was unsure what result she wanted to see. One result would be easiest; an option that would allow everyone to move on without consequence. The other, however, would lead to a lifelong tangible reminder of the greatest moment of weakness she'd ever experienced.
So why did her thoughts continue to drift to the second option?
For as long as she could remember, Olivia wanted to have a child. While she hadn't had a good example of what a mother should be, she had an incredible example of what a mother shouldn't be. Olivia was determined that if she was ever blessed with a child, she would strive to be the kind of mother that she'd always wanted.
When the timer finally sounded, Olivia's shaking hand reached out to grasp the tiny stick from the counter. She closed her eyes as she brought it to her lap, summoning any strength her body possessed in order to deal with the consequences of whatever result she received.
Olivia's eyes finally opened and drifted down to take in the news. When she read the results, tears streamed down her face.
Pregnant.
She quickly calculated and realized it had been around six weeks since their night together.
She was six weeks pregnant. With Elliot's baby.
Elliot Stabler's baby.
"I'm having a baby," Olivia whispered to herself.
Her hand drifted down to settle on her abdomen, trying to process that her child was resting below her hand.
As her tears came harder, Olivia sobbed, "What am I going to do?"
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May 17, 2011
This was bad. It was worse than anything the partners had been through together up to this point. Elliot had shot and killed the daughter of a victim, and now he was on leave pending investigation.
Olivia was fourteen weeks pregnant, unbeknownst to anyone in her squad, including Elliot. She'd planned to tell him, but now, with so much on his plate, it wasn't the right time to share her news.
After giving her statement to IAB, Cragen ordered her home, recognizing both the exhaustion that had lingered around her for the last few weeks, as well as the stress that the day's activities were inevitably causing her.
Olivia was happy to have the rest of the day off, but before she could leave, she slipped up to the crib, knowing Elliot would probably be up there. After the drama of the last few hours, she needed to check on him, needed to see for herself that he was safe.
When she reached the room, Olivia searched until she found him. He was sitting on one of the beds, the one he frequented the most, his elbows resting on his knees as his hands cradled his head. Olivia couldn't help herself, cautiously approaching him.
"You ok?" she hesitantly asked.
After a few moments of silence, Elliot answered, "Fine."
Olivia immediately knew that he wasn't being truthful with her, able to read him even better in the midst of a crisis.
"What do you need, Elliot?"
His head shook, and he responded with a quiet, "Nothing."
"Don't shut me out, El. I'm your partner, and I know you're hurting right now. I'm here for you, ok?"
Elliot finally nodded. "Ok. Thanks Liv."
"Go home," Olivia insisted. "I'll check in with you later."
Olivia started out the door, but stopped, needing to touch him, just to reassure herself that he was here, he'd survived, and somehow, their partnership would make it through whatever was going on.
She approached him again and gently placed her hand on his shoulder. It was the most intimate contact they'd shared since their night together, and in that moment, although she knew it was too early, she swore she felt the tiny flutter of their child growing in her abdomen.
"It's going to be ok, El." She bit her lip, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to come."
Elliot's hand slowly rose to cover hers on his shoulder. "I hope so."
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June 8, 2011
As Olivia dressed for work, she was frustrated when her slacks would barely zip due to her growing baby. She was seventeen weeks into her pregnancy, and it was getting increasingly harder to hide the evidence of her child. Reluctantly, she accepted that there wasn't any way she could keep this a secret anymore.
Olivia had known Cragen and her squad would need to know at some point, but she'd hoped she'd be able to tell Elliot before revealing their news to anyone else. However, after attempting to reach Elliot for weeks, he hadn't returned any of her calls, and it was no longer safe for her to be in the field.
She was out of time.
Upon arriving at work, Olivia decided to take advantage of the quiet of the morning and let her captain know about her condition.
"Captain, can we talk?" she asked, closing his office door behind her.
"Sure. Is everything ok?" Cragen asked, surprised by his detective's need for a discussion this early in the day.
Olivia couldn't stop the unexpected tears from pooling in her eyes, a few slipping past her protective barrier.
"I don't know, Don," she said, shrugging her shoulders before wiping her eyes.
Captain Cragen rose from behind his desk to close the window blinds and lock his door before returning to sit in the chair next to her.
"Liv, what's wrong? Whatever it is, we'll figure it out," he said softly, reaching for her hand.
Olivia looked up at him. "I'm pregnant."
Cragen couldn't hold back his look of shock at the words he least expected coming from his detective. He was confused at the emotions he was feeling; elation over the prospect of seeing the woman he loved like a daughter become a mother, but also heartache for the turmoil swirling in her eyes, this unexpected news clearly difficult for her to grasp herself.
"That's definitely not what I was expecting to hear from you, but I'm thrilled for you, Olivia. I know becoming a mother is something you've always wanted."
Olivia continued wiping at the never-ending stream of tears. "It is. Just…not like this."
"The father?" he hesitantly asked.
"Isn't involved," she answered.
"Do you want him to be?"
Olivia shook her head. "It's just…not possible."
Cragen knew he was probably asking too much, prying a little too deep, but he couldn't help her unless he knew where everything stood. "Does he know?"
Again, Olivia shook her head. "He doesn't, and I don't want to talk about him anymore. Look, I just needed to let you know because I need to be out of the field until after it…until it's born."
"I understand. Have you told anyone at all?"
Olivia leaned over, cradling her head in her hand, willing the tears to stop. "Other than my doctor, you're the first. I don't…have anyone to talk to about it."
Squeezing her hand, he asked the question that would confirm to Olivia what he knew she hoped would remain a secret.
"Liv, do you want me to reach out to him?"
Olivia's head jerked up, and she quickly, nervously shook it, adamantly refusing. "No. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to talk to me."
"But I think he'd change his mind if he knew about this. He needs to know, Olivia."
A shocked look came over her as she realized that somehow her captain knew who was responsible for her current predicament. "How do you know?"
He forced an uneasy smile. "You're forgetting I was a detective before I was a captain. There's always been something between the two of you, and I can tell by what you're not saying and by the pain you're clearly in that the only person who could be responsible is Elliot."
"It wasn't an affair, Don," Olivia insisted, her tone pleading with him to believe her. "It was a one-time, terrible lapse in judgment. We never meant for it to happen, for this to happen."
"He deserves to know, Liv."
Raising her voice as she continued panicking about her secret being revealed beyond her captain's office, Olivia said, "I've tried to reach out since the day he left, but he won't answer and won't call me back. It would be better for everyone to keep some distance. I don't want to hurt his family any more than I already have."
Cragen held up his hands, hoping to calm her back down. "You didn't hurt his family, not on purpose, and not on your own. Any mistake that was made, you and Elliot made it together. You didn't do this."
"I should've stopped it," Olivia insisted. "I should've been stronger."
"Olivia, I want you to stop, right now," he said, reaching over and softly placing his hand on her back. "I don't want to hear any more of this. Right now, you need to focus your energy on growing this little one."
Olivia nodded, wiping her tears.
"You know I love you like a daughter, right?" he asked.
"I know," she whispered.
Cragen smiled at her. "I promise I will be here to help and support you, with whatever you need, and when this baby gets here, if you'll have me, I'd love to be a grandfather for him or her."
"I'd love that, more than anything," Olivia said as her captain pulled her into a hug.
"You're going to be an incredible mother," he assured her.
"Thank you." she said, genuinely grateful for his words and his belief that she could do this. "I'm scared out of my mind, especially doing this alone, but thank you for having faith in me."
"I do." He pointed toward the door of his office. "Now, you need to tell your squad. It'll be obvious soon, but since I'm taking you out of the field, they need to know, today."
As nervous as she was to spread her news beyond the office walls, Olivia reluctantly agreed. "Ok. But can we keep the details between us?"
"Of course," he answered. "You only share what you're comfortable with."
Olivia wiped her tears as Captain Cragen opened his door and signaled Fin and Munch to join them.
When the guys were gathered, Cragen closed his office door once again. "Detective Benson has some news that she would like to share with everyone." He nodded toward Olivia. "Go ahead, Detective."
Olivia took a deep breath. "I'm going to have to go on desk duty for a few months, beginning today."
"What?" Munch asked. "Why? Are you ok?"
Olivia nodded. "I'm ok. I'm…I'm pregnant."
She looked around at the collective look of shock on her squad's faces, who, knowing her history, had many questions. Fin was finally the one to break, and he walked over, pulling his friend into a hug.
"Congratulations Liv. That's one lucky kid to have you for a mom."
"Thank you Fin," Olivia said, wiping at the fresh tears rolling down her face.
"These stupid hormones," she thought to herself, frustrated by the tears that she didn't seem to be able to control.
"Agreed. Uncle Munch can't wait to meet the little one," John said as he took his turn to give her a hug.
"Thank you. I…if I'm being honest, I'm a little terrified, especially because I'll be doing this alone." She watched the sad smiles that fell over everyone's faces. "So Fin, I'll take all of the parenting advice you have."
"I don't think you'll need it, because I'm sure you'll be a way better parent than I was," Fin said. "But we're all going to be here for you, so don't hesitate to ask."
"He's right," Munch agreed, squeezing her hand. "We'll help however we can, and one of us will make sure to be there for you for doctor's appointments. You're not going to have to do any of this alone, Liv."
"Thank you John."
As she looked around the room, Olivia felt a small sense of peace wash over her. No matter what happened with Elliot, no matter how involved he elected to be, she'd have the support of the men in this room, the coworkers who'd become the best family she'd ever had.
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August 10, 2011
Olivia curled up in her bed with a pillow, clinging to it as she sobbed into it.
Elliot was really gone. He'd left SVU without a word.
Over the last few months, she'd left him messages, letting him know she was there for him if he wanted to talk, but he never responded. Now, he'd put in his retirement papers, and she had to find out from Captain Cragen. Her arm moved to cradle her twenty-six-week baby bump. She closed her eyes, her tears coming harder at the realization that her baby really would grow up without it's father involved at all.
They were alone.
"I'm sorry, sweet baby," she whispered tearfully. "I'm sorry it's just you and me. I wish he was here, but we'll figure this out, ok?"
As Olivia spoke to her child, she also hoped that she'd somehow be able to find comfort in her own words, that she'd figure out how to raise this child on her own.
It wasn't fair, not to her or to the baby. While she'd never expected that Elliot would leave his family to be with her, she at least assumed early on that he'd have an interest in being somewhat involved in the life of his sixth child. Now, Olivia wasn't sure if he'd ever know about this baby.
Her hand gently rubbed across her baby and softly said, "I may not know what I'm doing, but I'm going to be the best mom I can. I've got you, ok? I've got you, and I love you, so much."
Somehow, they'd figure this out. Just the two of them. Together.
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August 17, 2011
Olivia wasn't sure what to think about the new detective sitting in the desk across from her. Nick Amaro had shown up that morning, and Captain Cragen had introduced him to the squad, letting them know that he'd be joining their unit, presumably to fill the absence of Elliot.
Olivia studied the man, trying to get a read on him. She felt it was safe to assume that he'd be her new partner, with Fin already falling into a comfortable partnership with Rollins, the other new detective.
Later in the day, Amaro pulled his chair over to Olivia's desk, surprising her by initiating conversation, inquiring about her personal life.
"Your first?" he asked, gesturing to her growing baby bump.
Olivia nodded. "Yeah. My first. I've been waiting a long time for this little one."
"Do you mind me asking how far along you are?"
"Twenty-seven weeks. Getting close, but still quite a ways to go. I'm ready for it to be over, but not ready all at the same time."
Nick chuckled. "Yeah, I remember how my wife was with ours. Nervous for it to be over, but anxious to meet our daughter. Your husband must be thrilled."
A sad smile came across Olivia's face. "There's no husband. It's just the two of us, but we'll be ok."
Nick nodded his understanding, and Olivia could see a new sadness in his eyes. "If you need anything, any help with anything, any advice, I'm here. Don't hesitate to ask, ok?"
"Thanks Nick," Olivia said, genuinely grateful for the offer from someone she'd just met. While no one could ever take Elliot's place in her life or in her heart, it was nice that his replacement was someone she felt she could trust and that cared about her as a person as well.
It wasn't what she wanted, but Olivia would find a way to work with someone that wasn't Elliot. One way or another, she'd figure this out.
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October 13, 2011
Olivia rested her hands on her thirty-five-week baby bump, a small smile on her face as she felt her little boy rolling and flipping around inside. Her little one was active, continually reminding his mother of his existence, and Olivia already felt so connected to her son. She was surprised when she found out she was expecting a boy, and a part of her both hoped and feared that he'd be the spitting image of his father.
Elliot.
Five weeks ago, she'd called Elliot one final time, overcome with guilt at the thought that he'd already missed so much of the beginning of his son's life. She knew she'd be turning his family upside down, but she needed to make contact, if not for Elliot, then for her son. She wanted to be able to tell her boy someday that she tried to include his father in his life.
Unlike before, instead of reaching Elliot's voicemail, the voice in her ear told her the phone number had been disconnected. She'd turned off her phone and curled up in her bed, sobbing into a pillow, just as she had the day he'd retired.
It was really over.
Although Olivia had been preparing herself to be a single mother and raise her baby alone, the realization that she couldn't even contact Elliot anymore hit her incredibly hard. She was really alone.
Over the last five weeks, having the question of Elliot's involvement finally answered, Olivia let go of her fantasies and focused on her son and being as healthy as she could for him. As hard as pregnancy at her age had been, Olivia tried to enjoy every remaining moment, knowing this would most likely be her only opportunity.
Nick Amaro, who'd been officially named as Olivia's new partner, walked by and noticed Olivia smiling and rubbing her stomach. "Is Baby Benson kicking you?" he asked.
"No, but he's doing a lot of flipping around in there." She took Nick's hand, pressing it against the place on her stomach where she'd been feeling the movement. After a moment, Nick's face lit up as he felt the baby moving under his hand.
"There he is. Hey, little guy," he said, kneeling beside her. He kept his hand on her stomach, marveling at the movement of the baby he'd already fallen in love with. "It's your Uncle Nick. I can't wait to meet you. You have the best mommy in the whole world, and someday I'll tell you all of the embarrassing mommy stories that I have."
Olivia elbowed him. "Keep that up, and you'll get your uncle privileges revoked."
"Yeah yeah," he said teasingly.
Nick was a good partner already. While he wasn't ever going to be what Elliot was to her, he was working hard to prove his trustworthiness and dependability to her and dedication to building their partnership, even while she was on desk duty. She knew he'd heard about her partnership with Elliot, and she felt that somehow, Nick understood that Elliot had been incredibly important to her.
"Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something," Nick said, standing up and leaning against her desk.
"What's up?" she asked.
He looked around, and the squad room was full of people, and Olivia sensed this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have with her in the presence of other people. "Feel like taking a little walk to get some lunch with me?"
"Sure," she said.
They began a leisurely walk down the sidewalk in front of the precinct toward a diner around the corner. Nick slipped Olivia's arm through his, allowing her to lean on him as they walked.
When they were seated and had ordered food, Olivia asked, "So what did you need to talk to me about?"
"First, I wanted to check and see if you had all of the baby items you need."
Olivia sighed. "Not yet. I have picked up a few outfits, and I've ordered a crib, but I haven't had the energy to try to put it together." She rubbed her baby bump. "This is getting in the way."
Nick playfully rolled his eyes. "Ok, well, don't worry about that. I'll come over and put it together for you. How would you feel about a little shopping trip this weekend? I could take you, help you pick out what you need, and then I can put everything together and help get your apartment set up."
"That would be great, Nick," Olivia said, smiling at his offer. "Thank you, for that, and for everything. It's nice to not feel like I'm doing this alone."
Nick reached across the table at took one of her hands, squeezing it gently. "You're not alone, Liv. That's another thing I wanted to talk to you about. I don't know what your birth plan is, or if you've even thought about it yet, but I wanted to offer to be there in the delivery room with you if you want me to be. I've done this before, so I know I can handle it."
Tears came to Olivia's eyes, touched by the incredibly sweet offer from her partner. "Thank you, Nick. I haven't really thought about that part yet, but I will definitely keep this in mind and let you know. I appreciate you offering."
"I just…don't want you to be alone."
She wiped an errant tear rolling down her face. "Thank you. It really means a lot that you'd offer to do something like this for me. I'll think about it and let you know when I make some decisions."
Nick nodded his understanding before changing the subject away from talk about her impending birth.
Olivia could barely concentrate on the conversation, her mind continually traveling to her partner's proposal. She'd been so focused on how she was going to parent alone that she hadn't really given much thought to how she'd handle giving birth alone.
Maybe this was what Olivia needed, the company of her partner. While she wished it could be Elliot, the two of them bringing their child into the world together, the fact was that he'd removed himself from her life, and it was time to move on. She wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with her new partner, but he offered her a friendship that she was missing without Elliot around, and she was grateful Amaro had come into her life.
On the way back to the precinct, Olivia made a mental note to have a discussion with her doctor about a birth plan, and then, she'd make her final decisions about how she wanted her child to enter this world.
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November 12, 2011
Olivia leaned over onto the bed as another contraction hit her. She was sitting on a birthing ball, with Nick behind her, massaging her lower back, trying to give her some relief from the excruciating pain. At last check, she was dilated to an eight, and the contractions were coming closer and closer together. She'd been in labor for 14 hours, and she was exhausted.
"You're doing so good, Liv," Nick encouraged her. "He'll be here soon."
"It hurts so much, Nick," she whimpered, her voice cracking as she fought back tears.
"I know," he said softly, continuing to rub her back. After another contraction, he heard sniffles as Olivia remained leaning on the bed in front of her. Nick's hands migrated from her lower back to her shoulders. "It's going to be ok," he said. "I know it's hard, but you can do this."
"I just…Nick, it's not that I'm not grateful that you're here, because I am, I just…" Olivia stopped, unable to speak through her tears.
Nick answered for her. "You just wish he was here."
"Yeah," she whispered tearfully.
He continued massaging Olivia's back, hoping the distraction would help her relax and get a little bit of relief. "I know, and I'm so sorry. But you're not alone, Liv. I'm here, and Fin, and Munch, Rollins, and Cragen are all out in the waiting room, and they are so excited to meet your little boy. You have a family here that's going to support you every step of the way. I promise you, once you see your son's face, it will all be worth it."
"I know." Olivia wiped at her tears. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess."
"You're not," Nick assured her. "This is all completely normal."
Just then, a much harder contraction hit her. Nick resumed rubbing her back, reminding her to breathe as she fought through the pain.
"Call the doctor," she said when the contraction was over. "I think he's coming."
Nick called for the doctor, and a few minutes later, Olivia was ready to push, as she was fully dilated, and the baby was in position.
"I don't know if I can do this," she said nervously, looking up at Nick.
"You're ready," he promised her. "Everything is ready for him, and he's ready to meet you. You can do this, and I'm right here with you."
Thirty minutes later, the doctor's voice announcing, "It's a boy!" rang out through the room, and rivers of tears rolled down Olivia's face as her son was placed on her chest for the first time.
"Hi, precious boy. Hi, sweetheart. I'm your momma. I love you so much." Olivia kissed the baby's head, nuzzling her nose into his full head of dark hair.
"He's so beautiful," Nick said, gently stroking the baby's cheek with his finger. "He definitely looks like you."
After a few more minutes of snuggling, the nurse took the baby to the other side of the room to weigh him and run a few checks, just to make sure he was healthy, and to give time for Olivia's doctor to finish up with her.
When it was time and the baby was given the all-clear, the nurse said, "Daddy, would you like to hold your son?"
"Oh, I'm not his father," Nick said.
"I'm so sorry," the nurse said, embarrassed at her blunder.
"He's his Uncle Nick and my best friend," Olivia said, smiling as she watched them. "You can hold him."
A huge smile crossed Nick's face as the baby was placed in his arms. Next to his daughter Zara, Olivia's son was the most beautiful baby he'd ever seen. He didn't know who the boy's father was, but he could definitely see that he was nearly identical to his mother, and for Olivia's sake, Nick was grateful. He carefully made his way over to Olivia's side.
"Hey, little guy. It's Uncle Nick. I'm so glad to finally meet you. I'll give you to your momma now," he said, gently placing him in Olivia's arms.
Tears returned to Olivia's eyes as her son snuggled up against her, seeming to instinctively know he was in his mother's arms. Nick sat down on the bed next to her, watching in awe as his partner silently got acquainted with her new baby. He could tell the tears rolling down her face were a mixture of love, elation, and sadness. She'd never spoken to him of the baby's father, never gave him any indication of who he might be, but he knew she longed for the presence of the absent man, and his heart broke for her.
"Does he have a name yet?" Nick asked.
Olivia nodded, her eyes never leaving her son. "Noah."
"Noah," Nick smiled. "It's beautiful, just like he is."
"I can't believe he's mine," Olivia whispered, wiping at her tears.
Nick softly squeezed her shoulder. "He's perfect, and he's so lucky to have you, Liv."
Olivia forced a smile through the tears that wouldn't stop, wrestling with the rollercoaster of emotions. "I love him so much. I mean, I loved him before, but now that he's here, now that he's in my arms, its…so overwhelming."
"I understand," Nick agreed. "It's indescribable."
"It is. I just wish…" she closed her eyes, unable to speak as her tears came harder.
Nick moved to sit beside Olivia, putting his arm around her and pulling her into his side. "I know. You wish his father was here."
"Yeah," she whispered. "How pathetic is that?"
"It's not," Nick said. "It's understandable. He's missing out on a lot."
Just then, a nurse came in to check on them once more and asked Olivia if she'd tried to nurse yet. Nick took that moment to slip out of the room and give Olivia some privacy. He'd already agreed to stay overnight to help her, but he knew she'd want to be alone as she learned how to feed her son.
Before he left, Nick snapped a few photos of her and the baby to share with their squad in the waiting room.
"Do you want me to share his name?" he asked.
Olivia shook her head, continuing to stare at her boy. "No. Wait until they meet him. I'll call when we're ready."
"Ok great." Nick kissed both of them on the head. "I'm so proud of you, Liv."
"Thank you. I couldn't have done it without you."
With a little bit of help from the nurse, just a few minutes later, Olivia was successfully nursing her son for the first time. He seemed to figure out what to do very quickly, and the new mother was very relieved. When he was finished, the nurse left her alone, informing her that she could have visitors whenever she was ready, but also encouraging her to take a few minutes alone, to breathe, to rest, and to bond with her baby. While she was anxious for her squad, her family to meet him, she was overcome with intense emotions that she needed to deal with before allowing anyone else in the room.
Elliot.
As overjoyed as Olivia was that her son was here, and both she and baby were safe and healthy, her heart was breaking all over again, and she was overcome with how much she missed Elliot. Nick had been such a rock for her, and the rest of the squad had been so supportive and worked hard to continually keep her spirits up and share in her excitement. But at the end of the day, she was still alone, and her son was still without his father. Elliot didn't even know he had another son, and as Noah's eyes fluttered open, Olivia was met with Elliot's beautiful blue eyes staring back at her, causing another flood of tears.
"Oh, sweet boy," she said softly through her tears. "I love you so much. I'm new at this, but I promise I'm going to be the best mom I possibly can, and someday, I'll tell you all about him. But for now, it's just you and me, and I'm sorry for that. But we'll figure it out, you and me. We'll make this work, and we'll be happy. I promise, Noah."
As his eyes closed again, Olivia laid Noah against her chest, cradling him close as she felt him squirm against her, before releasing a contented sigh, so very comfortable nestled against his mother. She closed her eyes, allowing her tears to freely fall.
While Olivia was feeding her son and grieving their shared loss, the waiting room was impatiently waiting for news.
When Nick reached them, the entire squad stood, anxiously awaiting news on their detective.
"It's a boy!" Nick said excitedly as everyone began to cheer.
"Congratulations, Uncle Nick," Captain Cragen said. "How are they? Is Liv ok?"
"Both mom and baby are doing very well," Nick answered. "Liv was incredible, and the baby is absolutely perfect. Full head of dark hair, and to me he looks just like her. He's the cutest baby boy I've ever seen."
He pulled out his phone, showing off the pictures to everyone.
"When can we see them?" Fin asked. Although Nick assured them that everything was fine, until he saw his friend for himself, he was unable to relax. He knew this would be a hard day for her, and even though she hadn't offered up any information on the baby's father, Fin had his suspicions, and if they were correct, he knew that as happy as the day was, it would be equally hard for Olivia.
"She's trying to nurse right now, so she'll call when she's ready for us to come back."
Awhile later, after receiving the call, the squad followed Nick back to Olivia's room.
They all filed in behind Nick, and immediately everyone could tell Olivia had been crying; her tear-streaked face and puffy eyes were clear indicators, and everyone's hearts broke for her.
"Hey guys," Olivia said, forcing a smile. "I'd like you all to meet my son, Noah."
"Noah!" Amanda squealed. "Liv, he's gorgeous."
"Thank you," she said, handing her son to Amanda. She sat back and watched everyone fawning over her boy, and she couldn't help the fresh tears at the glaring absence of the one person she wanted beside her the most.
After taking his turn with the baby, introducing himself as Grandpa Don, Cragen sat down on the bed beside Olivia.
"How are you doing, Liv?" he quietly asked.
"I'm good," Olivia said, trying to hide her heartbreak. "He's…perfect."
Cragen agreed. "He is. By far the most beautiful baby I've ever seen."
"Thank you," Olivia said, squeezing his hand.
"How are you really doing though?" he asked, his eyes telling her exactly what he was asking about.
Olivia wiped at the new flood of tears. "I wish he was here," she whispered before covering her face with her hand.
Cragen pulled her into his chest, holding her close as she cried against him. He knew this would be a hard day, and he was angry with Elliot for cutting off contact with all of them. He also knew that if Elliot had been aware of this child's existence, nothing would've kept him from being there, for both Olivia and the baby.
"What do you need?" he asked.
Olivia shrugged. "I don't know," she answered honestly.
He rubbed her back, pressing a kiss on top of her head. "When you figure out what you need, no matter how big or small, you ask, and I'll do it."
"Thank you."
Later, when her guests were gone for the night and Nick was asleep in the chair next to her, Olivia sat quietly in her hospital bed, her son napping on her chest. Her fingers gently stroked the thick hair on his head, amazed that the tiny, perfect little boy cradled against her was actually her child, hers and Elliot's.
As much as her heart ached, Olivia knew she couldn't dwell on where things stood. It was time for her to fully accept that Elliot was out of her life instead of wondering what could have been. As hard as it was, and as heartbroken as she was, she couldn't hate her former partner. After all, he'd given her the greatest gift, the one thing she wanted most in life.
A son.