Author's Note: This was a hard one. A lot of tears were shed writing this chapter. Sorry friends.

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Olivia couldn't believe what she'd done, that she'd kissed Elliot and drove away. What had possessed her to act so impulsively?

Deep down, she knew. Watching him with their son, watching him watch their son, watching their son interact and be accepted by his other children, even knowing several were struggling with the news of their new sibling, made her reluctantly fall even more in love with him.

Olivia was in love with Elliot.

She'd been in love with him for years, beginning sometime during their partnership, and upon his return, she realized the feelings never went away, and now watching him learning to be a father to their son, she was falling even harder.

"Tonight was really good, Mom." Noah's little voice interrupted her thoughts from the back seat.

Glancing up in the rearview mirror at her grinning boy, she asked, "Did you have a good time?"

"The best!" Noah's enthusiasm was contagious, and she couldn't help but smile.

"I'm glad you had a good night."

Through a yawn, Noah asked when he'd be able to see his brothers and sisters again.

"I'm not sure, Noah. It's hard to get everyone together, but I would imagine we'll see Elliot and maybe Eli again soon."

"They were all so nice to me. Liz and Kathleen kept giving me hugs, Eli said he would teach me to play soccer, Dickie kept calling me "bro", like real brothers do, and Maureen…"

Olivia held her breath, afraid Noah might have picked up on the underlying feelings Maureen had voiced to her as she and Noah were leaving.

"Maureen said she has two sons, and that maybe soon I can come over and play with them!"

She breathed a sigh of relief. "That sounds amazing, Noah. I'm so glad you had a good night with them."

After a few minutes of silence, Olivia assumed Noah had fallen asleep, exhausted from their evening. She was too, completely worn out from the stress of worrying about how the evening would go.

"Mom, why didn't we ever have any brothers or sisters?" Noah quietly asked.

Olivia wasn't sure how to answer, not in a way Noah could really understand at his age. Brushing her hand over her face, she tried to formulate a response that would satisfy him for now.

"Noah, I…honey, you came along at a time where I was really sad, and I'd almost given up thinking I'd ever have a family. When you got here, I just…it never felt like the right time for us to try to bring anyone else into our family."

"I guess everything worked out the way it was supposed to," Noah said, seemingly accepting her answer. Olivia just hoped that the kids wouldn't break his heart and take away the family he'd spent so much time longing for.

After tucking Noah into bed, Olivia curled up in her own bed, her mind replaying the events of the evening. It surprised her how quickly the Stablers made friends with Noah, and the blending of their two families was more seamless than she'd ever imagined.

As happy as she was, a part of her also began to worry. She and Elliot still had lots to talk about, their past, his leaving, their future. She'd planned to bring up the subject weeks ago, before Elliot pulled away to deal with the Wheatley mess, but now, now that Noah was attached, the conversation had to happen.

As soon as possible.

Olivia vowed that in the morning, she'd follow through with her plans. Elliot was already planning to come over, so she'd see if Amanda could keep Noah overnight, and she'd invite Elliot to her home, and this time, they'd hash out everything, force themselves to have the difficult conversations.

It was the only way to move forward.

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The next morning, Noah snuck into Olivia's bed again, snuggling up next to her. The alarm had already gone off once, but Olivia had hoped for a few more minutes of rest before beginning her day.

"Good morning, sweet boy," she said, pulling her son into her arms.

"Good morning. Do we have to go to school and work today?"

Olivia smiled into Noah's hair, wishing more than anything that they could spend their day together.

"Unfortunately, we do. But, Aunt Amanda has been asking to have you stay with her and the girls, so I'm going to see if you can stay tonight."

Noah pulled away from Olivia, sitting up against the headboard. "Ok," he said sadly, dropping his head.

Olivia was surprised at Noah's reaction, as he was normally thrilled to spend time with the Rollins family.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?"

Noah shrugged before answering her. "I just…I thought maybe we'd get to see Elliot again tonight."

Olivia closed her eyes, her heart aching for her little boy. There was no denying that he was attached to Elliot already, and it made her all the more sure in her decision to have him come over to talk everything out. They had to, for the sake of their son.

She pulled Noah back into her arms, hoping she'd be able to reassure him that he'd see Elliot very soon, and he could continue the relationship they were already building.

"Noah, I'm sure Elliot will come see you soon. He's not going to be able to come over every single day, but he really cares about you, and he's really enjoying getting to know you, so he'll make time for you, I'm sure of it."

"I just miss him, Mom," Noah mumbled against her chest. "I've wanted a dad for so long. I wish he could be here all the time."

Olivia threaded her fingers through Noah's unruly morning curls. "I know, but that's just not how this family is going to be able to work. We'll see Elliot as often as we can, but it won't be every day."

Noah sighed, reluctantly understanding how things had to be. "I know. Maybe someday."

Olivia let his comment go without response. There wasn't any way that Elliot would be there for them every day, but she didn't want to upset Noah even further by correcting him.

"Ok Noah, it's time for us to get ready for our day." She squeezed him one more time before letting him go. "I love you, sweet boy."

Noah clung to her for a few more moments. "I love you, Mom."

While getting ready for work, Olivia texted Amanda, hoping she'd be willing to take Noah for the evening, giving her and Elliot the night alone. Elliot was expecting to see Noah, and Olivia, fearing he'd cancel if he knew the truth, was content to just let him think he'd be spending the evening with her and their son.

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Later that evening, Olivia opened her door and was immediately greeted by Elliot's sparkling blue eyes. They were so beautiful, so full of hope that she momentarily got lost in them.

"Liv. Liv, can I come in?" Elliot asked, finally breaking the spell it seemed she was under.

Olivia shook her head, trying to get herself back under control. "Of course," she said, stepping aside to let him in.

Elliot looked around the apartment hopefully, and then Olivia watched him visibly deflate when he didn't see Noah anywhere. Turning back around to Olivia, he sighed, "He's not here, is he?"

"No. He's not."

He brushed his hand over his face, and Olivia could tell he was trying to hold back anger that she'd led him to believe he'd be spending the evening with her and their son. "What's going on? What's this about?"

"Can we sit? Please?" Olivia asked, taking a few steps toward the couch.

After a moment, Elliot slowly followed her, sitting beside her, leaving a little bit of space between them. Olivia could feel the wall Elliot was putting up, and she had to speak quickly before he completely shut down on her.

"I'm sorry I let you think Noah was going to be here tonight. I just…wasn't sure you'd come if I told you that I wanted us to spend this evening talking."

Elliot put his head in his hands for a moment. "Liv, I…I know we have a lot to talk about, but now? Really?"

Olivia nodded. "Now. Really." She stopped, fighting back the tears that were already threatening to come. "Elliot, Noah had an incredible night last night. Before things go any farther, before he gets even more attached than he already is, we've got a lot of things to talk about."

Elliot uncomfortably fidgeted in his spot on the couch, and Olivia watched as he slowly began to accept the conversation they'd neglected to have since his return needed to happen now. Finally, he quietly agreed.

"Ok."

"Ok," Olivia echoed.

Elliot opened his mouth, but suddenly found himself without words. His hands gestured nervously as he searched for the right thing to say, the right way to begin.

"Where?" he finally asked, and Olivia knew immediately what he meant.

Olivia took a deep breath before blowing it out, trying to settle herself before starting.

"I think we start with the night we made our son."

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After pouring them each a glass of wine, Olivia settled back next to Elliot on the couch, preparing for what was sure to be a marathon conversation.

"Why did you come over that night?" she asked, figuring the best way to start the conversation was to just jump right in with the tough stuff.

Elliot sighed before answering her. "I don't know, Liv. I just…I worried about you so much back then. Being away from you that week, knowing you were dealing with Sonya plus a hard case was so hard for me. I was feeling so close to you in those days, and I think if it hadn't been that night, it would've happened another night. We were just…too close."

Olivia nodded her agreement. "We were too close. I wouldn't take it back, because I wouldn't have Noah, and I won't regret him, not ever, but I wish I'd been strong enough to stop what was happening. Knowing your kids were hurt by what we did…I have a lot of guilt."

Elliot disagreed. "Liv, we were caught up in the moment, in how we felt about each other. We weren't thinking about anyone else."

"But I was," she said tearfully. "I knew exactly what I was doing and exactly what kind of damage we were doing. I thought about your wife and your children, but I...I didn't care. I wanted you, Elliot."

She stopped, desperately fighting the sobs that were threatening to burst out.

"I knew that it was only one night. You are too good of a man to walk away from them, no matter how we felt about each other. So I knew one night was all we had, but I wanted it."

Olivia reached for Elliot's hand, unable to stop herself, needed to feel connected to him as she continued, no matter how wrong it might be.

"We had every part of each other except for that, and I wanted you. I wanted, just for that night, to have all of you, and I wanted you to have all of me. I thought we'd have our night, and then we'd go back to being Benson and Stabler. I never thought that we'd have this…permanent reminder of what we did."

She stopped, her eyes catching a favorite picture of her and their little boy hanging on the wall. "But I love Noah so much, and honestly, he's all that kept me going, especially that first year after you left. If I hadn't had him, I might have completely fallen apart, but I had to stay strong for him."

Elliot's eyes filled with tears, his heart breaking. "I'm sorry, Liv. I'm sorry you had to do this alone, but I'm thankful you've had him. I have always wanted you to get to be a mom because I knew you'd be incredible at it. And I...I'm glad that my son gets to have you as his mom because I know he's had more love than any child could ever need."

Olivia turned back to Elliot. "I love him more than anything. I'm so grateful for him, and I…I'm glad you're his father, and I wish you'd been here from the beginning."

"I know," he whispered, barely able to speak due to the overwhelming ache and regret coursing through his body. "I'm sorry I wasn't here, Liv. I hate that you've had to raise him on your own. I hate that I've missed everything."

"Thank you," Olivia said sincerely, feeling his remorse and fully accepting his apology. "But we've been ok, Elliot. We've had an incredible support system. But we missed you."

Elliot sniffed, wiping his eyes. "I missed you too."

Olivia took a deep breath, blowing it out as she launched into her next question. "What would you have done if I'd told you about Noah before you left SVU?"

"I would've been here, however you'd let me. I would've wanted him, Liv," he insisted. "I would've wanted to be his father. I would've wanted to be with you."

"What about Kathy and the kids?" she pressed. "Especially Eli?"

"Kathy would've kicked me out as soon as she found out. The last few years…she was convinced we were sleeping together anyway, so it would've confirmed her suspicions, and I would've been out of the house. I would've spent as much time with Eli as possible, and I would've fought for that, but I would've fought for you and Noah too."

Olivia nodded, sitting silently as she processed the heaviness of his words. It was a lot to take in already, and they'd only just begun.

"What now?" Elliot asked, feeling the need to move on to their next topic, certain he'd fall apart from the guilt if this conversation continued on the current path.

"Let's jump ahead to now," Olivia suggested. "Did your kids know?"

"Know?" Elliot questioned.

"About you and Kathy? The divorce?"

Elliot covered his face with his hand for a moment. "I think Eli knew, or at least suspected. I didn't say anything to any of the kids, but I don't know if Kathy told any of them."

Olivia processed silently for a few moments, needing more, needing to ask questions, needing to get all of the rest of it out on the table. But sitting next to him while asking her questions hurt too much, so she stood and stepped away, needing the distance.

"What were your plans when you came back, Elliot? Take Noah out of the equation, and tell me what you expected to happen when you got here?"

Elliot put his head in his hands as he tried to find the right way to answer her question. It was hard to put into words how he'd always felt about her, and he wasn't sure she was ready to hear how he missed her, how he longed for her, how he ached for her the entire ten years he was away from her. Their relationship, whatever it was, was so new and unsteady that he worried too much honesty could drive her away.

But his relationship with his son was at stake, and he had to do what was best for Noah, and that meant he needed to tell Olivia everything. She was right; it was the only way to move forward.

"I was coming home, Liv. I was coming home to you, you and Noah. I just didn't know about him yet. My hope was that you and I would find a way to be in each other's lives again. While I was gone, Liv I…missed you, so much. I thought about you every single day I was away. I know…I know how awful it makes me, but selfishly I hoped you'd be here and that you'd be single and we could pursue…something."

"And if you came back and I was married? With a family?" she asked.

"I'd be your best friend and Uncle Elliot to your children. I wanted to be in your life, however I could be, but yeah, I hoped we'd have a chance to…have it all."

He choked back tears before continuing. "I knew there was a chance that I'd come back and you would be happily married to someone else, and I wanted that for you, really, but I hoped that maybe there was still a chance we'd get to have something. Now…now that the circumstances are different, I…there just seems like a whole new world of possibilities, for us, for our family."

Olivia's hands went up immediately. She needed some sort of barrier between them as she attempted to take in everything Elliot had just thrown at her.

"Wait, wait, wait. Elliot, we…we can't," she started.

"I'm not," Elliot interrupted. "We're supposed to be open and honest tonight, so I have to tell you how I feel. No expectations. I just can't hold it in anymore."

Olivia stood silently, still unsure she'd actually heard what she thought she heard.

Elliot took her silence as an opportunity to continue. "Tell me this, Liv. I want you to be honest, and I want you to tell me the truth, not what you think I want to hear, not what you feel would've been best for my family or for anyone else. I want you to tell me your truth."

Olivia nodded her agreement, although she was terrified of what he was about to ask her.

"If I'd stayed, what would you have wanted to happen?"

Olivia swallowed thickly. "With what?"

Elliot let out a frustrated sigh. "Liv. What would you have wanted to happen with us? With Noah? With…with everything?"

Olivia took a few steps away, turning her back to him as she looked out the window. He'd insisted on honesty, and it wasn't something Olivia was sure she could give him if she was looking at him.

"One of us would've had to leave SVU. There's no way Cragen would've let us both stay, let alone be partners. It would've been too dangerous for us to work together. You'd have transferred, maybe to Homicide, hopefully still in our precinct so that we'd still get to see each other during the day. Your new captain would let you off for all of my doctor's appointments, and you'd be overbearing in that way that made me crazy, but I always knew you did it because you cared."

She took a deep breath, realizing that there were tears rolling down her face as she vocalized for the first time the life she'd dreamt of all these years.

"You would've threatened my new partner Nick that you'd kill him if anything ever happened to me, even just a scratch. Instead of Nick, you would've been the one putting together the crib and helping get my apartment ready. You would've insisted I move to a bigger place, maybe even one together, but I would've been difficult and insisted on staying in my place, because there would've been no way for me to agree to more than a co-parent relationship so quickly after your separation. As I neared the end of my pregnancy, you would've insisted on staying with me. You would've said it was "just in case I went into labor in the middle of the night", but really, it would've been because you wanted to spend every moment possible with me. You'd sleep next to me, and after I'd fall asleep, you'd pull me into your arms and cradle my belly with your hands because you knew I wouldn't let you do it if I was awake."

Olivia rested her hands against the window sill, leaning against it as her body began to shake with sobs. "You would've been beside me when I delivered Noah, and we would've cried together when he was finally here. You would've told me how much you love him and how happy you were, and it would've been a perfect day. You would've come home with us. I'd only agree to let you stay a few weeks, but we'd never talk about it again, not until Noah was a year old. It would've taken me that long to acknowledge what we'd become, the family we'd become. Only then would I have agreed to move somewhere else, somewhere with more space for Eli and your big kids to stay with us. We'd have been a real family, Elliot."

Her heart was breaking with every statement, as every difficult memory from the past fought for attention in her mind. While this wasn't how she'd ever intended for him to find out about the harder parts of the last decade, the moment felt right.

"If you'd stayed, if you'd been here, you would've known that a monster was in my apartment long before my squad knew. You'd have called Cragen and insisted something was wrong. Maybe you'd have known before he took me out of my apartment, but if not, I know you would've bullied your way into helping with the search, and you probably would've found me quicker than the four days it took for me to free myself. You'd have shown up at the beach house, and you would've beaten him to death. He wouldn't have survived the beating, he wouldn't have traumatized me again at trial, he wouldn't have gotten me a second time, and he wouldn't have shot himself in front of me. I wouldn't have had to worry who had my son, where he would go if something happened to me. I wouldn't have had to worry that my death would be the way you found out Noah existed. I wouldn't have the PTSD, the nightmares, the anxiety…if you'd been here, I would've been safe."

Olivia stopped when she heard sobbing behind her. She wiped at her own tears before turning around. Elliot was on his knees, crying harder than she'd ever seen him cry, ever. Slowly, she made her way to him, kneeling beside him and gently rubbing his back. Elliot lifted his head and pulled her hard into his arms, clinging to her as he cried into her neck.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed against her skin. "I'm so sorry, Olivia."

She squeezed him tighter as she spoke softly into his ear. "I'm ok, Elliot. It was…awful, but I survived. I'm here, and I survived."

Elliot allowed Olivia to hold him until his tears began to subside and he pulled away, a little embarrassed for her to see such a big display of emotion from him. But he was broken, shattered, filled with shame, regret, and hatred for himself. He'd promised her for better or worse early into their partnership, and not only did he abandon her, leaving her to raise their child alone, but she went through hell without him, a hell he was sure he could've protected her from, if only he'd been here.

It seemed as if Olivia could read his mind as she quietly said, "This isn't your fault, and I'm sorry I put this on you like this. This wasn't the way I wanted you to find out about it."

He pulled back, taking her face in his hands, his thumbs gently brushing her tears away. "You're really ok?"

Olivia nodded. "I'm ok. I-I wasn't, not for awhile in the beginning, but with a lot of therapy, Noah, and the support system around me, I got through it."

"I didn't know," he insisted, pulling her even tighter against him. "I would've been here if I'd know, but I didn't. No one told me."

"I know," she whispered tearfully.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Someday," she said. "Just not tonight."

Elliot threaded his fingers through her hair, as his hands continued to cradle her head. His eyes traveled over her face, taking in every tiny detail, reminding himself that she was here and even though she'd experienced something horrific, she was really here, right in front of him.

"I've really missed you."

"I've missed you too, El."

He continued holding onto her, staring into her eyes, almost as if he was seeing her, really seeing her for the first time since he'd returned. There were new lines he didn't remember, signs of the ways they'd both aged during their time apart. There was a dimness in her eyes that hadn't been there before, presumably due to whatever she'd experienced while he was gone, and even though there were shades of Detective Benson there, there was something new, something he couldn't quite identify, and he knew it had to be a result of her rise through the NYPD ranks. The captain in front of him was stronger, harder, and he was so proud. It was an achievement he knew she was more than worthy of, and it reinforced what he'd already assumed, that he'd held her back, that maybe her life really had been better without him.

"I'm so proud of you, Liv. You've accomplished so much while raising Noah, and I'm just…so proud of you."

Olivia shrugged nervously, uncomfortable with the praise from him. "I've done ok. It was hard, but it's…good."

"Liv, I…would you have promoted if I'd stayed? Would you have made it all the way up to captain?"

Olivia shook her head, a little confused about why he was asking the question. "I don't know."

"I do. You wouldn't have. You would've stayed a detective, and you would've stayed my partner, and you wouldn't have any of this."

As Olivia's tears began falling hard again, her hands rose to grasp on to his wrists. "But I would've had you."

"Liv."

"Noah would've had you."

Elliot pulled Olivia closer to him until their foreheads rested against each other. "I wish I'd been here," he whispered tearfully.

"Me too."

He pressed his lips against her forehead, holding her close, needing to feel her skin, needing to feel the connection with her, but knowing it was too soon for anything more.

Finally, Elliot pulled back, and their gazes immediately found each other's, their eyes saying so much more than they could ever put in words.

"Can I stay? Please?" he asked, afraid he might not survive leaving her, not after everything they'd put out on the table tonight.

"Yeah," Olivia quickly answered, wiping at her tears. "After talking about…what happened to me, I might have nightmares tonight. The PTSD hits hard sometimes when I have to go back to those dark places."

Elliot pulled her back into his arms. "I'm here. I'll be here."

She reached for his hand, and they finally rose from the floor, relocating to Olivia's bedroom. As she reached for her own pajamas, Olivia also pulled out an old pair of sweatpants that once belonged to Elliot, tossing them to him as she excused herself to her bathroom to complete her nighttime routine so they could get some much-needed rest.

When Olivia walked out of her bathroom, Elliot was sitting at the foot of her bed, waiting for her. She walked over to him, standing between his knees and settling her hands on his shoulders. He tentatively placed his hands on her hips, and when she took a couple of steps closer to him, Elliot wrapped his arms around her waist, burying his face against her stomach as Olivia's hands cradled his head against her. He breathed her in, feeling the weight of the last ten years lift from his shoulders. For the entirety of their time apart, he thought about her, missed her, longed for her, and he dreamt of holding her again. Now that she was in his arms, he felt a peace begin pushing away the turmoil that had consumed him for so long.

It felt like coming home.

Olivia finally stepped back and said, "Let's sleep, ok?"

"Ok," Elliot agreed, and together they pulled back the covers and climbed into bed together.

Olivia immediately tucked herself into Elliot's arms, needing the closeness of him to hopefully ward off the nightmares she was sure were lying in wait. Hopefully Elliot's presence would calm her and keep the nightmares away, but she needed to prepare him for what could potentially disrupt their night.

"If the nightmares come, just talk to me. I may try to fight to get away from you, but keep talking to me. It'll help, ok?"

Elliot rhythmically and soothingly trailed his hand up and down her back. "I've got you, Liv. I'm here, and you're safe, and I won't let anything happen to you."

He pressed a few kisses on top of her head. "Goodnight Liv."

She sniffled, fighting back fresh tears, both amazed and comforted that Elliot was in her bed again, after all this time. There was still a long way to go before they could have more, but tonight was a start, a place to begin, and a chance to repair what was broken. But he said he'd be there, for her and Noah, and she couldn't do anything except believe him.

Closing her eyes, she quietly said, "Goodnight El."