A/N: Thanks for coming back for the next few installments! Get ready for even more crazy shenanigans (as well as an irrational phobia) on Mario's part in his quest to save Peach!

I do not own Super Mario.

Chapter 4: Spherical Scourges

About half an hour later, I got sick of waiting for Lubba to make good on his promise we would head after Bowser today, and headed back to the underside of the ship to find him writing in some sort of journal. "What the heck are you doing?" I asked.

"Documenting The Case of the Mystery Pee," he said as though there were no other logical reason for him to be sitting – rather, floating – on his fat, purple ass instead of helping me rescue Peach.

"Well, you told me that today we'd head after Bowser, and I'm still waiting."

"I have to get this down before I forget the details of what happened."

What flippin' details are there to remember when you don't even know who peed on you?!

10. Wastes my time trying to remember nonexistent details about stupid things.

"Don't you want to get your Power Stars back?" I tried appealing to his selfishness, "Without them, you can't…what the heck do you even use Power Stars for?"

"Mostly fuel for our starships," Lubba said, "Occasionally we use them to give ourselves superpowers."

Great, so why the heck didn't he just do that when Bowser attacked and superpower-punch that idiot in the nuts? Bowser presumably struck here before he attacked the Mushroom Kingdom and used the Power Stars to make himself so huge, so if Lubba had just done that, I could've still been in the Mushroom Kingdom right now. I briefly wondered why Bowser didn't use Power Stars to turn huge in my first galactic adventure and, for no apparent reason, just stuffed each of his three Grand Stars inside one of the planets we fought on. Then I realized why: as I've known for a long time and possibly even previously stated in this tale, Bowser's an idiot.

"But I do want the Power Stars back…," Lubba said. "Okey dokey, cap'n, let's do this!"

Did he just call me "cap'n"? As in I'm captain of this starship? And he goes and defies me about going after Bowser?!

11. Defies his superiors.

We floated up to the helm and Lubba said, "Okay cap'n. Now, we've gotta collect seventy Power Stars to travel to the center of the universe. So to start, step in front of the steering wheel."

Seventy – what the flip?! In my first galactic adventure I only had to collect sixty! Here's hoping I can still skip the final Bowser Jr. fight like I did last time because I amassed enough Power Stars to get there without ever going to his stupid Lava Reactor. I don't even know who I would've had to fight there – Bowser Jr. himself or some other idiot he enlisted to do his dirty work for him.

Lubba pointed to a space, currently yellow, in front of the airship-style steering wheel, but it turned orange once I stood on it. Everything vanished in a blur of light, and when I could see again, I was looking at a blue sky with several galaxies scattered throughout it. This was a different sort of world map than what I had to contend with in my first galactic adventure; at least now I can see what's coming in advance instead of having to wait until I can unlock the galaxy to see what it looks like. That's part of what annoyed me about my first galactic adventure. On all my previous quests, there were worlds with decisive themes – snow, desert, clouds, even a completely stupid one like pipes from Super Mario Bros. 3. But Super Mario Galaxy had no such sense of order. Heck, World 4 was grassy (Gusty Garden), desert (Dusty Dune), lava/snow (Freezeflame), sorta-grassy (Honeyclimb), water/haunted (Bigmouth), and then, for the coup de grâce of them all, "dark matter" (Bowser's Dark Matter Plant), if that's even a legit theme.

But back to business…let's see what misery I was in for. Only two galaxies were currently accessible: the first one, apparently the one I visited yesterday, was called the Sky Station Galaxy. Well, it's an improvement over the Good Egg Galaxy (or, as I call it, Rotten Egg Galaxy), but still not a "wow!" name. Next up was a galaxy that looked as though it was a FLIPPIN' VOLCANO IN WORLD 1?! Further down the line was a Hungry Luma (great, so those whiny brats are back); a galaxy that looked like it might've been made of dirt; another one that looked cloud-themed; one that seemed to be made of baby blocks; and then, no surprise here, a castle. What else is flippin' new? And why the heck were there more galaxies in World 1 than there were in World 1 of Super Mario Galaxy?

"You currently have one Power Star," Lubba said, "so, until you collect two more, you can only visit the Sky Station Galaxy, where you fought Peewee Piranha, or the Yoshi Star Galaxy, the one with the volcano."

Wait, Peewee Piranha?! That's IP's real name?! How the heck is he peewee? And if he's peewee, what does the heck he look like when he's full-grown?! Anyway, anyone in their right mind would put off the volcano galaxy as long as possible, even if it does sound like I'll meet up with Yoshi there, so I decided to head back to the Sky Station Galaxy. There's already been a boss there, so I highly doubt I'll be pitted against another one in Mission #2, if this is anything like my first galactic adventure. If there's a third mission, that's a different matter entirely.

So I selected that galaxy, and saw two missions to choose from: the completed "Peewee Piranha's Temper Tantrum" (that's an understatement), and "Storming the Sky Fleet." Oh please don't tell me this is gonna be an airship level! I selected that mission against my better judgment, and then remembered something. I think on that circling-rocks planet in the first mission, when I was running from the Lumas, I saw something gold and glittery on the underside of the planet. Something that looked like…oh no, a Star Coin! There are Star Coins in this game?! If that's the case, then where the heck were the other two in that level? Already Star Coins are playing hard to find? Usually that's not until, like, World 5 or something!

Trying to suppress my paranoia, I flew towards the starting planet, and was immediately horrified.

CHIBI WANWAN!

The whole planet had been infested with those pesky miniature Chomps, CHIBI WANWAN!

If there's anything worse than a Thwomp, it's a Whomp. If there's anything worse than a Whomp, it's a Chomp. If there's anything worse than a Chomp, it's a Chain Chomp. If there's anything worse than a Chain Chomp, it's a Flame Chomp. And finally, the holy grail of all "worse than" statements, if there's anything worse than a Flame Chomp, it's CHIBI WANWAN!

One of the menaces rolled right into my legs and I fell over, losing a wedge of health. I then got up and ran, pursued by two Chibi Wanwan. Now I was really scared! I saw a Warp Pipe ahead of me and mindlessly jumped down it, emerging on the planet's underside.

What was there but more CHIBI WANWAN! This had to be a nightmare! Fortunately, these were rolling in circles and I wasn't too close to any of them.

But then I saw that next to me was a Luma trapped in a cage. Oh, how original. He told me there was a key to unlock the cage and that and that I needed to find it. He then asserted that the cage was smelling bad, which made no sense because I didn't see and of the slime inside it.

Let's see…if my first galactic adventure taught me anything, it's that Bowser is under the delusion that it's clever to trap the key inside one of his minions through God knows what means, probably shoving it up their butt or down their throat or something. But seeing as how the only enemies present were those blasted Chibi Wanwan, I deduced I had to use the Stretch Plants they were circling to break them open, given that normal means of murder like jumping and Star-Spinning don't work on Chibi Wanwan.

As it turned out, I was right (as usual), and the third Chibi Wanwan I destroyed was hiding the key to open the cage. The Luma escaped and turned into a Launch Star. I hopped into the Launch Star and continued on my quest, hoping I wouldn't encounter any more Chibi Wanwan.

The next planet was a see-through cylinder with lots of platforms and stuff moving around inside it, and at the far end of the planet was a ring of Banzai Bill Cannons that encircled the planet. Then they all loaded Banzai Bills and prepared to fire. Oh mamma mia. Then I noticed a few small barricades further up the planet, behind which I could presumably hide from the impending barrage. And strangest of all, inside the planet was a Launch Star saying, "In here!" Um…since when the flying flipping heck could Launch Stars talk?! Lumas can, but they give up their ability to talk when they turn into Launch Stars! Wait…are all Launch Stars secretly Lumas? I thought they were just…Launch Stars, unless I actually witnessed a Luma turn into one. Man, this day just keeps getting stranger and stranger.

I ducked behind a barricade as the Banzai Bill attack began. Stranger still, I still haven't seen a single airship – where the heck were they? When you name a level "Storming the Sky Fleet," there is the obvious implication that airships will be involved! Not that I like airship levels. I don't, but misnomers are one of my biggest pet peeves. They're up there with…come to think of it, basically everything else in the universe.

And then the marathon of strangeness continued, as I saw a hatch on the far side of the planet that led to the planet's interior…with two spotlights shining up from it. What the flip was this garbage? What purpose were they supposed to serve – I could barely even see them! I only noticed them as an afterthought once I had already seen the hatch. I waited for the string of Banzai Bills to pass by or explode on a barricade, then ran for the hatch. But during my dash across No Man's Land, more Banzai Bills loaded and barreled at me. I wasn't given sufficient time to dodge them, and ended up getting hit by a Banzai Bill in midair. OW! Dang, both Banzai Bills and Bullet Bills only take away a wedge of health, but the Banzai Bills hurt so much more when they hit me! Great, so between that and the stupid Chibi Wanwan who ran into me earlier, I was down to one wedge of health.

I made it into the hatch and then jumped down several wooden platforms. Unfortunately, I was jumping blind, just wanting to get out of this dumb place. I landed and ZZZZZZZZAP!

TOO BAD!

When I regenerated, I was at the checkpoint on the interior of the planet. What had hit me that third time?! First it was that stupid Chibi Wanwan, then the Banzai Bill, and then what?! Whatever. I'd discover this time around, seeing as how I was back up to three wedges of health, and didn't have to get past my first two attempted murderers again. So I ended up right before where I died before, and looked down to see what had killed me. AMPS! Those morons had zapped me and killed me! I leapt over the electric morons, landing on a (literal) "round-trip" elevator that encircled the center of the planet.

After two more round-trip elevators and another near-miss with an Amp, I saw the Launch Star to my right. AMPS! Two of those morons were encircling the Launch Star. I tried to leap through them, but my aim was off ad I got electrocuted again. I fell back onto the round-trip elevator, and circled around the planet. By the time I got up again, the Amps were coming up fast. I leapt past those spherical scourges the Amps and got in the Launch Star.

I sorta wondered how the Launch Star was gonna get me back out of the planet through that house of horrors I'd just traversed. Turns out it had no intentions of doing so; it just blasted me through the SURFACE OF THE PLANET! OW! See, this is why I line my cap with Kevlar, to protect me from concussions whenever I get hit on the head, or hit a Brick Block with my head.