A/N: Thanks for waiting for the next installment – I promise the wait was worth it!

I do not own Super Mario.

Chapter 8: Call 1-800-STAR-BIT

Well, I certainly hope I never have to face Digga-Leg again. But because I beat him, I unlocked two new galaxies: the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy and the Rightside Down Galaxy. Rightside Down? That's a paradox. But while the Fluffy Bluff's completion leads to a Star Barrier demanding 7 Power Stars, then the castle galaxy I saw from the beginning of the world, the Rightside Down Galaxy leads nowhere, so I don't even get the point of its existence. Then again, none of the galaxies from my first galactic adventure "led" anywhere, per se, but now I've been spoiled by the more traditional "world map" setup of these galaxies. Well, both of these new galaxies looked stupid (excuse my French), and I saw I was gonna need 3 more Power Stars, so I figured it was time to reconsider Mr. Hungry Luma.

But it was getting late in the day, so I'd worry about that in the morning.

Once I got up in the morning, I tried to figure out how to contact the Hungry Luma. Unfortunately, like everything else in this game, doing so proved impossible. I hovered Starship Mario over the Hungry Luma's icon, but nothing happened. What the flip was I supposed to do?! I scanned the dashboard for any controls that might help me out, but the "best" thing I found was a tractor beam. Then again, the ways of Lumas are beyond my comprehension, and I had no idea if this one would take offense to being tractor beamed and go psycho on me (à la the Lumas in the Sky Station Galaxy).

And I realized with a sigh that I would have to ask my archnemesis for help.

"Lubba! I need someone's help!" I shouted, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of directly asking him for help.

"Wuzzah?" I heard him call, his voice slightly muffled.

What the heck? It sounded like he was coming from somewhere on the face of Starship Mario, so I leaned over the edge of the cap and saw his head poke out of Starship Mario's right nostril.

14. Crawls around in sinuses.

EWW! "FUDGE!" I screamed, scared for some reason. "WHAT THE HECK?!"

Lubba seemed oblivious as to why I was so disgusted, then asked, "What do you need my help with?" Darn, he was good at inferencing!

"Um, how do I call a Hungry Luma to Starship Mario?" I asked. "I can't seem to get him to recognize that we're here, and I don't want to try something drastic like punching him in the face with the Starship." …Yet. I'll save that for after he's shown his true colors as a greedy butt like every other Hungry Luma in existence.

"Oh," Lubba said, crawling out of Starship Mario's nose and trailing space snot everywhere (YUCK!), "it's simple. Just open up the panel on top of the dashboard and look up 'Hungry Luma' in the phone book that's in there. I mean, it's sorta obvious that if you wanna call someone, you look for a phone book." He gave a sarcastic chuckle, but I saw that insult for what it was. How the heck was I supposed to know to call the Luma? In my first galactic adventure they just showed up on the Comet Observatory when the arcane algorithms I assume they operate by told them it was time to show up.

I looked under the panel and found a phone book, not the exploding box of Poochy poop I half-expected to find. I flipped through the phone book, and found that the Hungry Luma's phone number was – ugh – 1-800-STAR-BIT. Seriously? He's got a Word Phone Number (WPN)?! That's Number 6 on my list of pet peeves!

I suppressed my frustration over that and picked up the phone also in the secret hatch in the dashboard and – what the flipping flying heck? The thing that I assume was meant to be a phone did not look like any phone I've ever seen before. It had some parabolic-looking part I assume I was supposed to talk into, but it was sitting on some plastic thing that didn't even have any buttons on it. There was just some sort of…wheel with ten numbered slots on it. I tried jamming my finger into the "1" slot, but it didn't do anything. What the heck was I supposed to do with this stupid thing? Are you kidding me? I'd have to aske Lubba for help AGAIN?!

"Lubba, how does this phone work?" I asked.

"Oh," he said, floating over and fitting his appendage into the '1' slot, "it's simple-"

15. Habitually claims non-simple stuff is simple.

"-really. This is a rotary phone. You spin this here wheel around to the number you want to dial. That's all there is to it."

I shoved Lubba aside and spun the rotary phone to dial 1-800-STAR-BIT, half-expecting the phone to explode in a spray of Poochy poop. I don't know where this sudden fear is coming from. Maybe it's my distrust of Lubba mixed with the alarming frequency with which I see exploding-box-of-Poochy-poop videos on Toad Town's Funniest Home Videos – I swear there's like a five-minute montage of them every week.

I waited as the phone rang and the Hungry Luma eventually picked up, "Helloooooooo?"

"Hey, Hungry Luma," I said, "I need you to come to Starship Mario so I can feed you a bunch of Star Bits and visit the galaxy you create."

"Well, I'm currently in my bathtub relaxing with some soothing bath salts, but I'll be there in about an hour. I'm sure you understand."

No, I don't understand, because I don't use flipping bath salts! Never have, never will! Baths are for wimps – I shower strictly to clean myself off, not for…enjoyment, like this weird Hungry Luma obviously does! "Get here faster!" I snapped. "I don't have all day to wait around for you to finish your bath – I've got a princess to save, thank you very much!"

"Yes, I am sure you're eager to get back to…showing off your little scepter to the princess, if you know what I mean-"

EWWWW!

"-but there are a great many things I'm eager to get to as well. So, uh, yeah. I'll get there when I get there."

I slammed the strange phone down. What the heck was that Hungry Luma's problem?! Never in all my journeys have I met a person or creature so crass! Except maybe Cranky Kong, but he's so weird I can never tell if there's any real subtext to what he's saying or if he's just an unhinged crackpot who says strange things for no apparent reason – my money's on the latter.

So…I'd have to occupy at least an hour of my time until the Hungry Luma decided he was good and ready to arrive. Which meant it was time to head back out into space. Well, I'm always in space, but whatever. Which in turn gave me five options:

1. Get the Star Coin in the Sky Station Galaxy.

2. Get the second Power Star in the Yoshi Star Galaxy.

3. Get the second Power Star from the Spin-Dig Galaxy

4. Get the Power Star from the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy.

5. Get the Power Star from the Rightside-Down Galaxy.

Narrow-down time! No way was I fighting IP or going to the Dinosaur Graveyard Galaxy again, and Fluffy Bluff and Rightside-Down looked absurd. I couldn't even tell what the heck the Rightside-Down Galaxy was supposed to be, but Fluffy Bluff looked like it was taking after Meringue Clouds from New Super Mario Bros. U, which…wasn't the hardest world (that was Soda Jungle) or even the most aesthetically bankrupt (that was Rock-Candy Mines), but was still sort of lame, not to mention inhabited by the infinitely aggravating Foos. So I decided that it was time I returned to the Spin-Dig Galaxy. Sigh.