Chapter 12: Some Moronic Hunks of Steel Mess with the Wrong Plumber

I climbed to the top of the section of blocks and surveyed what lay ahead of me. First was a Checkpoint Flag, which was a relief to see. Beyond that was a path of Red Panels leading to the next section of blocks, while the corresponding Blue Panels were all empty. Thank goodness the Red Panels were showing before Baby Luma abandoned me, or I'd most likely be screwed here. Strangest of all, at the end of the red path was a black hole. Not the things I fall into or the giant thing that Bowser's Galaxy Reactor turned into, but a literal hole that was black. What was this? Was it supposed to represent the Hungry Luma's black hole of a mouth. Wait…if this galaxy is made of the Hungry Luma, what the heck was I walking on now? The Luma's eyes? His brain? Or – shudder – Lubba's vomit?!

But as I was about to walk down the path of Red Panels, what emerged from the black hole/Luma's mouth but a CHOMP!

If there's anything worse than a Thwomp, it's a Whomp. And if there's anything worse than a Whomp, it's a CHOMP! I mean, it could've been a lot worse (i.e. a Chain Chomp, a Flame Chomp, or God forbid a CHIBI WANWAN), but still! For that matter, when the heck did the Hungry Luma eat a Chomp? Or maybe the Chomp coming out of the "Luma's mouth" was metaphorical for the Hungry Luma having a dirty mouth, since Chomps are the dirt of the earth to me.

Well, now I was not happy that the Red Panels were showing, because the Chomp would roll right past the way out of this accursed place, then past the blocks where I was. And by the time one passed me, the next one would probably be coming down the pike. Curses!

The Chomp rolled down the path, but…wait, what the flip was I thinking? The red path traversed a 90-degree turn, which a Chomp could not possibly turn down with no guardrails to guide it. Chomps roll in straight lines and only straight lines. So I just had to wait for it to roll off the path, then run by. I crept up to the edge of the straight-line path I expected the Chomp to take.

Did the universe grant my wish?

NNNNOOOOOOPE!

Somehow the idiotic hunk of steel knew where the drop-off was, and swung the turn it needed to in order to stay on the red path. A turn that, might I add, involved him mowing me down.

I screamed, but turned around too slowly and was knocked off the path and into space.

TOO BAD!

I respawned before the area with the Chomp, still wearing nothing but my tighty whities. Come to think of it, they weren't even really tight. Loosey whities might've been a better term – not the time, Mario! I briefly considered hurling them at the Chomp out of anger, but then I'd be buck necked. And that would be unfavorable, because I suspect Chomp eyes are actually little cameras, given the creepy way they seem to follow me around wherever I go. And the last thing I need is to be broadcast on the 120-inch TV screen in Bowser's throne room in my birthday suit. In my undies with the outline of my junk rather visible is bad enough.

After observing the Chomps that came out of the hole, I found that somehow their knowledge of where the edge of the path is seems to go out the window when they reach the end of the Red Panels and roll off into space, which makes absolutely no flippin' sense. And also, my suspicion that I cannot possibly get from here across the path between Chomps was confirmed.

And so I decided to outsmart the Chomp instead.

Earlier in the section of blocks was a crystal containing a Goomba. Don't ask me why the Goomba was encased in a crystal, as no one in their right mind would ever set him free. Maybe he failed Bowser in some way, like the popcorn he brought him was cold or something, so Bowser punished him by trapping him in the crystal for the rest of eternity.

Well…the rest of eternity until I set him free.

I ran to the Goomba crystal and...DANG IT, I can't spin! And so I spent no less than five minutes kicking at the crystal until my feet were near-broken and the damage I had dealt it was equivalent to that dealt by a Star-Spin. The crystal shattered, freeing the idiotic shiitake. I jumped on the Goomba to turn him into a coin, then grabbed my real prize: a chunk of the crystal the Goomba had been trapped in. I ran back to the Chomp section and prepared to enact my plan. This would require careful timing…. Once one Chomp passed by me, I planned to get as far as I could towards the next section of blocks, then hurl the crystal at the next Chomp as hard as I could. On the rare occasion I partake in a game of Toadball, my fastballs always catch the Toads off guard – and, on one occasion, broke Banktoad's nose – so maybe I could throw the crystal hard enough to knock the Chomp off the path. Or at the very least stab out one of its eyes so its vision is impaired and it rolls off the Red Panels where it logically should.

I ducked past the first Chomp, then ran down the Red Panels as the next Chomp appeared.

I reared back my pitching arm.

Hey, battabattabattabatta….

The Chomp rolled closer, its stupid googly eyes watching my every move.

…SWING!

I hurled the crystal at the Chomp, and this did little to no damage. The crystal shattered apart like the Dark Moon after King Boo lasered it with his crown…but the Chomp did roll to the side a bit. Just enough that I could slip by it unharmed, then run onto the next section of blocks once it had passed by. Hahaha! Up yours, you stupid Chomp!

I ran up the block stairs out of that accursed section, but when I looked at what came next I beheld an even worse horror than what I had just left behind.

FOUR CHOMP-HOLES! FOUR!

There were four of those accursed things in this section! Well, it was gonna take a bunch of expertly-timed jumps to get me through this. Expertly-timed jumps…and some more crystal shards from the crystal in front of me. I spun into it and grabbed two crystal shards, one for each Chomp that would roll down the Red Panels. But wait…doing this would require long-jumps, which in turn might require me grabbing onto the edges of the Panels with my hands. Which I couldn't do if I was holding the crystals. Nor did I have any pockets to shove them in anymore….

Oh gosh.

I was gonna have to stuff them in my underpants and hope and pray to God the crystal shards didn't cut me.

I carefully stretched out my waistband and shoved the crystals in there. That sure was uncomfortable, and if the crystals didn't jut out at such odd angles I might've been able to pass off the strange appearance as just me being very well-endowed.

I got on the first set of Red Panels, which weren't occupied by any Chomps, then realized I'd have to jump across a large gap to reach the next set of Red Panels. From there I could do another long-jump to a Chomp-free zone, then two more long-jumps, and-

You've gotta be flipping kidding me.

There was a Star Coin towards the end of the section, hovering over where a Blue Panel would have appeared under normal circumstances. I scanned the sky, looking for any signs of Baby Luma returning. Still nothing. Yeah, I think he's abandoned me for good, going out there and hunting for his "mama," whatever the flip that means.

Fine. I don't need him. I am a solo act and nothing but.

I long-jumped from the Red Panels I was on to the first set of Chomp-occupied ones, but had forgotten about timing and saw that a CHOMP WAS BEARING DOWN ON ME! U-turn, U-turn! I long-jumped back to the platforms I had been on before and waited for the Chomp to pass before attempting the jump again.

After another jump, I landed on the second set of Chomp-free platforms. The next available path was a Chomp-occupied one, and towards the end of it was the Star Coin, hovering just out of reach.

Hmm…. I had one spare crystal. I could use one to knock the Chomp off the path as soon as he appeared, then…would the other function like a boomerang? In that I can throw it at something to collect it? Worth a shot, but if that fails, I'm not agonizing over getting the Star Coin. I still suspect Lubba was lying about them being "Comet Medals," and while in some adventures Star Coins have been the "collect-enough-of-them-to-unlock-new-levels" items, it looks like in this adventure, just like in my first galactic adventure, that's gonna be Power Stars.

I long-jumped onto the Chomp panels right after a Chomp rolled off it, then reached for the crystals and felt that the front of my underpants were wet. I looked down and saw a three-inch-wide URINE STAIN on them! What the-? Oh, don't even tell me this happened when that Chomp was about to mow me down. How did I get scared enough that I peed my pants?! Sigh. Whatever.

I grabbed the crystal and reared back my pitching arm again.

Hey, battabattabattabatta….

A Chomp emerged from the Chomp-Hole and rolled towards me, barking its stupid bark.

…SWING!

Once again, the crystal shattered as soon as it hit the Chomp, but unbalanced it as it was rolling around a bend, knocking it off into space.

I ran forth and grabbed the second crystal, taking aim and launching it at the Star Coin. As I had hoped would happen, the Star Coin glittered away and was added to the items I had collected. Haha!

I ran past the Chomp-Hole just as another Chomp emerged from it, and I long-jumped onto another set of blocks.

And ahead of me now was another set of Red-Blue Panels interspersed with electricity. This would be near-impossible without long-jumps, if not completely impossible.

Suddenly, I heard a faint voice calling, "Papa! Papa! Papa!" The Baby Luma! The shrieking got louder, "PAPA! PAPA! PAPAAAAAAGH!" As the Baby Luma got close enough to me that I could see him, he started screaming bloody murder. He then flopped over, landing on the blocks ahead of me.

Did Baby Luma just die?!

I ran over to him and he whimpered, "The…stench…ammonia…." Then he passed out.

Well, that's officially a load of cockamamie balderdash (excuse my French), because I don't smell any ammonia coming from my underpants, and I'm the only one of us who even has a nose.

So I sat there, waiting for Baby Luma to come around. After about ten minutes, I got tired of waiting and shook Baby Luma to wake him up. He was still conked out, so I changed tactics and yelled, "WAAAAKE UUUUP!" He started mumbling gibberish, so, as a last resort, I held him up to my smelly foot. Less than two seconds later, Baby Luma awoke and popped me in the nose. OW! Who knew Lumas could punch so hard? "What was that for?!" I cried.

"Your horrible hygiene," Baby Luma squeaked. "You smell like pee-pee, you have vomit dripped all over your face, and your feet smell like poop."

I was offended beyond all imagining, and the only thing that kept me from giving him a good ol' knuckle sandwich was the fear that he would abandon me again. Then again, he just punched me in the face too, so had I done that, it would have just been karma, and Baby Luma would've had no right to complain.

I begrudgingly let Baby Luma hop on my head again, which probably looked a bit ridiculous given that I didn't have a cap for him to hide under. "Where the heck did your clothes go?" Baby Luma asked.

"I'll tell you when you tell me where you went," I said.

"Home. Now tell me where your clothes went."

"Home"? What the heck was that supposed to mean? Baby Luma kicks open the front door of his childhood home and is like, "Whatup, homies! The prodigal son's back, y'all!"

"…A Chomp ate them," I lied, not able to bring myself to reveal the truth.

In short, I made it through the remaining section, equipped with my Star-Spin powers, and finally got the Power Star. But afterwards, I realized who would be waiting for me when I got back to Starship Mario: Lubba. He was the last person in the world – rather, universe – I wanted to see me like this! Except maybe my childhood rival Wario, if not for the fact that he's already seen me completely naked. Yep. 9th Grade. He shoved me into the bathroom, stripped off all my clothes, and taped an entire roll's worth of toilet paper all over me. Then he flushed my clothes down the toilet, which ended in the school's entire plumbing system somehow getting clogged and the entire basement flooding with water, clean and otherwise. Unfortunately, when Toad Town High School had been built, funds ran out halfway through the project due to many Toads involved in the project engaging in embezzlement, and half the classrooms ended up being built in the basement last-minute. Thus, because of Wario's stunt, school was shut down for about two weeks while the basement was sanitized. That moron.

And so when I landed on Starship Mario, Lubba saw me and shouted, "Oh my gosh! What am I looking at – wait, what's that smell?" HOW?! I still smell absolutely nothing, and he doesn't have a nose either! Lubba continued ranting, "Wait, you wet yourself?! CODE YELLOW! CODE YELLOW! What the heck happened to you?! Go take a shower!" Fine! If it was up to me, I would've landed in the shower when I returned to Starship Mario, but nope, instead the universe just continues its streak of torturing me for no reason.