A/N: Happy New Year! I hope you enjoy these two chapters – I dare say they may be the most absurd ones yet, probably fueled by my brain being jacked up on sugar over the holidays.

As always, I do not own Super Mario.

Chapter 18: I Suffer Unforeseen Consequences

After running down some more platforms, I came to a Thwomp. And atop said Thwomp was a Star Coin. Ugh. These things again? Should I bother? Shouldn't I bother? They serve no purpose. They're so shiny, though.

I guess I was going for it.

I waited for the Thwomp to fall, then wall-jumped off its side to land atop it, and grab the Star Coin when it rose again. Then I jumped off the Thwomp, landing in an area with another Goombeetle, a lever, and Kamek. All against the backdrop of a gate into the castle that contained the likeness of Bowser Jr.'s face on it, flanked by two more of those dumb statues of Junior. Ugh. All of that was hideousness incarnate. Then again, no more than the Bowser head that's always above the entrance to his castle. Well, except the one time Bowser played dirty (well, dirtier) by having Kamek set off Bob-Ombs to break off the head and try to crush me under it as I crossed the drawbridge.

I headed for Kamek first, and he readied his scepter. What was he gonna shoot at me now? A fireball? A Bob-Omb? A One-Star Bit Goomba (1SBG) like he did in the Yoshi Star Galaxy?

My third guess was right, as one of those pointless things appeared and ran at me. I didn't even give that creep the time of day, instead putting all my energy into Star-Spinning Kamek. He vanished, then I took out the Goombeetle and flipped the level. The Bowser Jr. emblem in the gate spontaneously spun in a circle (to symbolize that Junior is crazy?), and the gate split open, revealing-

Wow.

This was disappointing.

A path over lava patrolled by a pair of Dry Bones. At the end of the path was a Sling Star that led up to the lava planet, and on each side of the path was a small platform with a coin on it. Really? This is what passes as a "castle" now? I mean, I don't want something unnecessarily hard, but…c'mon, Bowser, take some pride in your work! I'm suspecting either budget cuts or good old-fashioned laziness is to blame for this pathetic castle.

The two Dry Bones saw me and came waddling towards me, bones crackling like undead sparklers. I jumped on both of them, then got in the Sling Star and flew to the lava planet.

The planet was comprised of a path of stone platforms over the lava, and as soon as I landed I saw that I'd have to contend with more Dry Bones here, as well as firebars. Still annoyingly simple. Dry Bones are just a joke anymore – whatever happened to the days of Super Mario World, when Dry Bones were legitimately creepy foes? They used to have a scary, mindless quality to them, and now more recently they either dance to the music in levels like regular Koopas or have devolved into quadrupeds.

I stomped on a Dry Bones, evaded two firebars, and then found some sort of television stuck into the stone ahead of me. What the flip? What was this, for the minions' coffee break or something?

I walked up to the TV. Maybe there was something entertaining on to watch for a few minutes, like Mario's Greatest Moments. Then again, this is Bowser's TV. It probably only gets channels like HBO-wser that only air pro-Bowser propaganda and are illegal to watch in the Mushroom Kingdom.

But then the TV spoke to me, saying, "Here's a tip! When you need to land on a tight space, just jump and spin! Want to see how?"

What the heck was that trash supposed to mean? I selected "Yes," and was then forced to watch some mind-numbing video that was basically a tutorial on spin-jumping. In fact, the only useful thing it did was forewarn me that up ahead are another Dry Bones, more firebars, and another 1SBG-spawning Kamek. What was with everyone trying to tell me how to do a basic spin-jump? First that Star Bunny in the Flip-Swap Galaxy, and now this TV? Normally I would've let this slide, but I was still pissed at The Murk for killing Frosty, and if this TV had to be my punching bag…so be it.

And so I yelled at it, "I KNOW HOW TO SPIN-JUMP, YOU IDIOT!" I grabbed the TV and ripped it off its post. The screen fizzled out and I chucked the TV into the lava. Ha! Enjoy your coffee break now, morons! I then tried to ground-pound the TV's post into the stone.

ZZZZZZZZAP!

OW! The post still had live wires in it, and as soon as I ground-pounded the thing, it electrocuted me! I fell right into the LAVA, losing a second wedge of health. "OWWWOO!" I screamed like a maniac, "Aiyeeaiyeeaiyeeaiagh!"

Through nothing short of a miracle, I bounced back onto the platforms, but was still running around like crazy. And thanks to that, I ran into the firebar before the TV, and lost my final health wedge.

TOO BAD!

I respawned at the beginning of the lava planet, and immediately became aware of a low buzzing sound in the background. I looked around for its source, and then noticed that the lava looked strange. It was red-orange like usual, but occasionally bolts of electricity arced up from it or crackled through it. Oh great; I think me throwing the TV into the lava had electrified it. Now if I fell in I'll probably lose two wedges of health: one for the lava, one for the electricity.

I got back to the area of the planet with the TV, and saw that the post was still sticking up from the ground with no TV atop it. Huh. Strange. Usually enemies reappear when I lose a life, but this one didn't. Unless it either wasn't technically an enemy, or Bowser Jr. overrode the whole reappearing thing so that the lava would stay electrified.

I jumped over a gap in front of me, then jumped on the Dry Bones I had seen on the TV. Ahead of me now was the Kamek I had seen too. This has always confused me: is Kamek a singular Koopa or a species? I mean, what exactly is the difference between Kamek and a Magikoopa? Is Kamek a special Magikoopa? If so, how is he any different from them? How do I know when I'm facing Kamek instead of a normal Magikoopa? But like I said, are they even really any different? Is Kamek just a head Magikoopa or something that everyone treats as special for some arbitrary reason?

As I knew would happen, Kamek summoned another 1SBG for some reason. Maybe he's telepathic and he knows that 1SBGs aggravate me to no end, so he's just messing with my head and trying to distract me from my real objective here: exact my revenge on Bowser Jr. and The Murk. That could be the case; I don't think anyone knows the full extent of Kamek's powers. I jumped on the 1SBG to get a coin (at least I don't get one third of a coin or something), then Star-Spun into Kamek. I jumped up a set of steps, dodging two more firebars, and then got in a Launch Star.

That's when things got really strange. As I flew away from the planet, the lava started fizzing more loudly and emitting larger bolts of electricity. Suddenly, the ENTIRE PLANET EXPLODED (!), emitting a giant shockwave. I was hit by it and knocked out of my flight path, which was taking me towards a boring-looking dirt planet. NOOO! I rapidly lost altitude, and suddenly fell back into the gravity well of the hardly-a-castle. Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!

I fell and smashed my back onto the castle's right wall before falling into the lava inside the castle walls. I bounced on it twice before finally landing on the stone platforms. Again, I screamed, "OWWWOO! Aiyeeaiyeeaiyeeaiagh!" When I finally stopped screaming like a maniac, I fell down next to the Sling Star, and was surprised to see that I was still alive. I thought for sure that falling onto the castle wall would have cost me a wedge of health, in addition to the two lava-induced ones, but I guess it didn't. This isn't Super Mario 64, after all, where for some reason I lost health after taking a big fall. Just more proof that the Yoshi died after jumping off Peach's Castle's roof there: because that was in the only game where long falls could actually harm you.

I tried to get up, but suddenly heard a loud crack. Ow, my back! That fall broke my flippin' back, gosh dang it!

I fell backwards into the Sling Star and, without thinking, spun to activate it. No! This was just gonna…where the heck was this even gonna send me?! The lava planet was gone! The Sling Star blasted me through the remains of the lava planet. Just as my flight path started to falter and I worried I would either fall back into the castle or, worse, all the way to the Mushroom Planet, I got caught in the gravity of the dirt planet and fell towards it.

I crumpled to the ground as soon as I landed, and I hoped against hope that this wasn't the planet where I'd have to fight Gobblegut, because my vertebrae were still in ruins.

Then I heard a familiar cackle. Oh no. Bowser Jr. I strained to look up, and saw him in some sort of strange ball-shaped thing zipping towards the planet. His arrival was accompanied by a fanfare that I assumed was supposed to sound dramatic but flew a couple light-years wide of the mark:

Da-da-da da-da! Da-da-da da-da!

What happened to his airship? At least that was cool-looking and had the alarm sound that announced its arrival, which made sense, but this thing just looked stupid (excuse my French). As it got closer, the light from its headlights shone on me, forcing me to look down again so I wasn't blinded.

Junior called to me, "What happened to you, Mario? You're looking even wimpier than normal."

I flipped him off, hoping I was aiming my middle finger in the right direction.

Junior then went into some dumb rant, "Wahaha! Made it this far, huh? I won't need my dad's help to finish you off! I got a big surprise for you! Ohhhhh, Gobblegut…. Dinner's on! Don't forget to protect your bellyache bulges!"

I was going to demand he tell me where The Murk was, but then I heard him fly away in his Spaceball, as I'm calling it. I tried to look up to see what Gobblegut was gonna be, on the off chance it was something I could fight with a broken back. But I overexerted myself, and as soon as I tried to prop myself up on my arms, my back snap-crackle-popped like a bowl of Magikrispies. OWWWW! I flopped to the ground again, and then heard a noise that sounded like an approaching train whistle. Bowser Jr. was sending a train flying at me?! What was it, the train the Toads are on that flies around N64 Rainbow Road?

I quickly rolled over, ignoring the distinct feeling that something had dislodged from my spine and was rattling around inside me. All I saw after I looked up was a giant mouth that closed around me, causing me to lose my last wedge of health.

TOO BAD!