Chapter 19: A Boss Battle with a Mario Kart Race
I respawned on the dirt planet and was delighted to realize that my spine had self-repaired when I died. Alright, now I could properly fight Gobblegut. Well, I don't even know what the heck I was supposed to do, because I've never had to fight a train before. The closest thing was probably Monty Tank in New Super Mario Bros., but he was a big flippin' pushover because everyone knows Monty Moles are morons. And Morty Moles…ugh, don't even get me started on them.
Bowser Jr. flew down again in his stupid Spaceball, accompanied by his lame music once more, and got ready to taunt me again. "No, no, NO, hold up!" I cut him off. "You're gonna tell me where the heck that red-and-black jerk the Murk with a Mouth ran off to, and then after I take you down, I'm gonna go kick his butt!"
"Oh, that guy?" Junior asked. "Yeah, I saw him on my security cameras, but I don't know who the heck he is."
What a flippin' lie. I don't know why I bothered asking a liar this, but I asked anyway, "And what sort of name is 'the Murk'? Because even by your standards, that name sucks. Is something about him murky? Like his past?"
"No, you doofus; I'm pretty sure he said 'Merc' spelled M-E-R-C. As in short for mercenary."
Short for – what?! Why have I never heard of this? Well, if that's really the case, then Junior the Idiot is just making my case for me. That scumbag Deadpool is a mercenary who Junior hired to whack Frosty the Snowman for him!
And then Junior broke into his stupid, Snooze-A-Palooza spiel again, "Wahaha! Made it this far, huh? I won't need my dad's help to finish you off! I got a big surprise for you! Ohhhhh, Gobblegut…. Dinner's on! Don't forget to protect your bellyache bulges!"
Why did he start off with his evil laugh and "Made it this far, huh?" as though we hadn't just been talking seconds before? And it's hardly like I "made it" anywhere this time; I just respawned here! Just more proof he's an idiot.
Then he flew away again in his Spaceball. That coward – he isn't man enough to fight me himself. No, instead he throws trains at me like some random lowlife.
Suddenly, I heard a low rumbling and looked up to see what was causing it. It was-
What the gosh dang flippin' garbage nonsense spanking trash-eating FLIP?!
Dragon Driftway was flying towards me!
Don't ask me why it was roaring a bizarre roar that sounded like a train whistle, but there was no mistaking it – it was Dragon Driftway from Mario Kart 8! At least it wasn't a train, but still, how am I expected to fight a race?
Then as it got closer, I could tell it wasn't a race, it was just a…dragon, I guess, that looked an awful lot like the race. I don't get how it's a dragon, though, because don't dragons have to have wings? I didn't see any wings on this behemoth. Com to think of it, neither did Dragon Driftway, so that doesn't make any sense either. I guess I just never questioned it before.
So…did the design team who created Dragon Driftway somehow know that this monster existed, and base the race on him? Or…maybe time-travel was involved, given that I know it exists thanks to Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time. Perhaps the design team traveled to the future, foresaw my fight with this guy, and based the race on it. And then maybe that inspired Bowser to in turn base this creature on the racetrack? I have no idea, because that's getting into the territory of time paradoxes and other trash like that, which I don't understand at all. That's why I can't stand the show Doctor Boo, because every other episode involves some sort of time paradox that the Doctor has to figure out how to resolve through means even more nonsensical than the events that caused the paradox in the first place.
Or maybe Dragon Driftway existed first, no time-travel involved, and Bowser just straight-up based this creature on it. Now, you might think Bowser can't custom design a minion of his based on a racetrack. Think again. According to an exposé last year in the Mushroom Kingdom Herald, Bowser regularly conducts horrific genetic experiments to create new minions. Observe my list of the Top 3 Most Horrible Minion Origins below:
1) Charvaarghs: Baby alligators are thrown into a Molecular Destabilizer Tank filled with lava.
2) Wigglers: Caterpillars are dunked in a vat of radioactive hollijollium.
3) Cheep Chomps: Regular fish are injected with gigantic, nearly lethal doses of Botox every day for a week.
I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and bet that Bowser took a regular snake – excuse me, dragon, or whatever – and made it drink a bunch of toadsworthium (also radioactive), which is known to have side effects including abnormally enlarging body parts. Over the years, some Toads have stupidly tried drinking toadsworthium to make them more…well-endowed, if you will, and ended up with huge hands or feet or ears or something.
Yeah, all this went through my mind in no more than five seconds.
Gobblegut whistled like a train again and then started following me around the planet. I ran away from him, waiting for him to make a move. C'mon, do something already! I can't stand it when bosses take forever to let me attack them. That's half the reason I got three game overs before I beat "Boss Blitz" in Super Mario 3D World. That coupled with the time limit; at least I didn't have to concern myself with time constraints right now. But seriously, King Ka-Thunk had to do his stupid "fly-in-the-air-and-flip-around" routine, Boss Brolder spun around and launched rocks at me for way too long, and that doofus Boom Boom wasted an unreal amount of time spinning around in his shell in an attack that I can count on zero hands how many times it succeeded. Heck, I can count on three fingers how many times he's hit me in the entire history of me fighting him. First in World 3-Fortress 1 from Super Mario Bros. 3, when I was shocked by the fact that he'd suddenly sprouted wings. Second in World 7-Airship from Super Mario 3D Land, when I had to simultaneously contend with him and Pom Pom. And third in Grinding-Stone Tower from New Super Mario Bros. U, when I'd forgotten that he could sprout wings and was caught off-guard when he suddenly did it again.
Gobblegut ate a chunk of the planet behind me, then whistled again, then smashed his head through the planet where I had been a second before. What the heck? Was he trying to concuss himself? His chin had a bunch of scars all over it, so I have to wonder how many times he's done this before. Even though I haven't been here for him to fight before, so he wouldn't have been doing it to attack me. What was he, some masochistic weirdo?
His head busted through the far side of the planet and then looped around towards me again. But as his body burrowed through the planet, a red, swollen area on it that looked distinctly like a tomato briefly got stuck in the planet. And then that one made its way through the planet, but another segment farther down his body got stuck. I looked along his entire body and saw a total of six of the tomatoes. Wait…were those the "bellyache bulges" Junior mentioned? He told Gobblegut to defend them, so they were probably where I had to attack him.
As the third bellyache bulge got stuck in the planet, I ran over and Star-Spun it. The bellyache bulge exploded, and EEW! Snake/dragon blood splattered all over me! Geez, good thing I didn't wear my tux!
Strangely, his skin underneath the bulge was undamaged, so I have no idea where the blood came from. What, there were just six giant sacks of blood around his body? This was absurd. And now that I knew for sure these were Gobblegut's weak spots, why the heck did Junior draw attention to them while I was right there? God, he's an idiot! You'd think he would do some sort of pre-boss fight pep talk where he's like, "Okay everyone! Goombeetles, be useful for once! Kamek, attack Mario with something more dangerous than a flippin' 1SBG! TV, lure Mario into punching you and electrifying the lava! And Gobblegut, protect your gosh dang bellyache bulges!" Nope, he does it when I'm clearly in earshot.
Gobblegut roared in pain and circled back towards me again. The fourth bellyache bulge was about to get stuck in the planet, and I Star-Spun it just before Gobblegut's head reached me. More gosh dang blood sprayed on me, and again, it seemed as though the bulges had no connection to his circulatory system. So what he was doing with a bunch of blood sloshing around in these bulges was a mystery. Was it like those sacks of fake blood that Toads wear when filming movies to fake being shot or stabbed? Was Bowser filming a movie with Gobblegut, and then he suddenly had to be called away to fight me? Well, his role would have to be recast, because I was gonna take Gobblegut down! But if these bulges were just sacks of fake blood, why the heck did he roar in pain when I ruptured them? This made no sense, but then again, fill in the blanks here:
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _!
Gobblegut wheeled around to face me once more, then dug up another chunk of the planet behind me. I tried to get back to his initial hole through the planet in time to rupture the fifth and/or sixth bulges, but was too late, as the tip of his tail had passed into the planet by that time.
Gobblegut then flew over me and whistled again, then did his nosedive-into-the-planet routine. I leapt aside, then quickly returned to where I had been and spun the first bulge.
Suddenly, Gobblegut vanished from where he had been and was twisting around in the sky overhead. What the flip? He was just burrowing through the planet, and now suddenly he's in the sky overhead? Oh, wait a minute. This was what I call the "Cutscene Paradox," where bosses move from where they currently are to partake in a cutscene, and then afterwards they don't return to where they were before (which would be the FAIR thing to do!), they reset to the position they were in when the battle started. Which is especially annoying, like in this situation, when I've got the boss in a favorable position where I can beat the snot out of them, and then they get a free reset/escape. Come on, I might've been able to take out all the remaining bulges one right after the other if that hadn't happened!
And so Gobblegut set about wasting time and following me around the planet, occasionally digging up the dirt behind me but coming nowhere close to actually harming me.
Inevitably, he then whistled again and crashed through the planet. I turned back and spun into his second bulge once it got stuck in the planet. A second before I did that, though, Gobblegut's head emerged from the opposite side of the planet and turned back towards me. C'mon, let me bust open your fifth and sixth bulges before you reach me!
I hid on the far side of Gobblegut's body from his head, hoping that he wouldn't see me and would leave me alone. But the monster's loopy-looking eyes must have been equipped with Mario-Vision or something, because he zeroed in on my location anyway. Why do the bad guys always get cool powers like this?! Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I had to retry "Mystery House Brawl" in Super Mario 3D World because I couldn't find the flippin' Coin Coffer in Room 5.
I ran around Gobblegut's body to try to buy myself some time until the fifth and sixth bulges arrived, which looked to still be several seconds away at least. C'mon, you big dummy, catch me if you can! It seemed my game of playing hard to get was occupying all of Gobblegut's attention, because he didn't even realize that he was constricting his own body in the process of hunting me down. The rear half of his body, which included both remaining bulges, started turning purple. Ha! He was cutting off his own circulation! Unexpected bonus!
Suddenly, his last two bulges self-destructed…which I was grateful for but, again, made no sense, on account of them being cut off from the rest of Gobblegut's circulatory system. I don't even know that I can say "the rest of," because I'm not entirely convinced the bulges are part of his circulatory system, period.
Once again, the Cutscene Paradox took effect, and Gobblegut appeared above the planet, spiraling around as he began glowing. I'd know that light anywhere – the light of a Grand Star! Yay, finally I'd be out of this garbage dump called World 1! Not that later worlds'll be any better; I'd bet almost anything against that.
Gobblegut, don't ask me why, burped and then exploded into a Grand Star. What was that burp about? I'd get it if he coughed up the Grand Star or something, but he straight-up exploded into it. How that caused a burp, I have no idea. But anyway, the Grand Star settled atop the planet. Let's see…what dramatic move should I use to reach the star? Triple jump? Star-Spin? Ground-pound? Or…triple jump, then Star-Spin at the apex of my third jump and ground-pound onto the star! The only shame would be that I didn't have my phone with me to film it all.
I triple-jumped.
I Star-Spun.
I ground-pounded….
…and I missed the Grand Star by a fraction of an inch. Are you kidding me?! Way to ruin the dramatic moment, physics!
So I got up to try the routine again, but in getting up, I got close enough to the Grand Star for it to be registered that I grabbed it. Oh come ON! Why don't I even get a shot at redemption?! And I didn't even learn where The Murk is hiding out so I could exact my revenge on him! Gosh flippin' dang it!
And so the whole scene of me grabbing the Grand Star and whatever played out, but for once I was distinctly unhappy when "You got a Grand Star!" was displayed.
Next thing I knew I was flying back to Starship Mario with the Grand Star. Back to Starship Mario and…ugh, Lubba. I guarantee you, he'd find more ways to annoy me before we even entered World 2. Once I landed on the helm, the Grand Star, instead of flying into the miniature Beacon that was in the inner workings of Starship Mario, it flew in front of the Starship and created a portal. Huh. Now this is probably the only way in which this adventure has made more sense than my previous galactic adventure. I never really bought the whole "Grand-Stars-give-the-Comet-Observatory-energy-to-travel-the-cosmos" thing. Grand Stars opening portals to new worlds makes far more sense!
I landed on the helm and saw that I'd now collected eight Power Stars and four Comet Medals…excuse me, Star Coins. Hang on, I gotta sneeze. Ah…CometMedalsdon'texistCHOO!
Lubba, floating nearby, said, "Wow, lookit that! You did it! You brought back a Grand Star!"
Oh, so he didn't think I could do it?
29. Has no confidence in me.
"That's great!" Lubba continued. "Now we can use the power of that Grand Star to travel to another world! We're one step closer to retrieving your special one, buddy!"
30. Thinks we're friends.
…I already put "Thinks I'm married to Peach" or something to that effect on my Grievances List, right?
But because he wasn't tired of hearing himself talk yet, Lubba droned on even more, "Through space and time to an unknown world we go!"
…What?! We're traveling backwards or forwards in time to reach World 2? Since when?! Or was this just another stupid lie like the thing about the Comet Medals? Or did he even just have a penchant for theatrics and decide to overdramatize the fact that, technically, time will be passing as we head into World 2? Sigh. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt with this one because, on the assumption that my final guess is correct, that's the exact same sort of thing Luigi would say, and I wouldn't necessarily hold it against him. Then again, after that funny business with him liking the video of the Paragoomba Incident, I might hold it against him after all. Whatever.
"I'm jiggling just thinking about it! Ready, Captain?" Lubba finished.
First off, I don't want to hear about you "jiggling," because I have no doubt what parts of your body are doing said jiggling.
I stepped up to the helm and grabbed the steering wheel, the piloted Starship Mario through the portal into World 2.
A/N: So this chapter ended up being longer than I thought it would. I considered splitting it into two, but couldn't find a convenient place to do so in the battle with Gobblegut. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed World 1 so far. Mario will be coming back here eventually to get the rest of the Power Stars…I just have to figure out a good reason for him to return, given that he doesn't want to complete any more levels than absolutely necessary.
And in case you didn't figure it out, the answer to the fill-in-the-blanks puzzle above is "Nothing else about these adventures ever does!" The commas in it don't actually have any purpose, I just put them in there so the formatting would register the sets of blanks as separate words; otherwise they all got grouped together as one giant string of blanks.
As always, please leave a review if you'd like!
Next up: the "war" between Mario and Lubba continues, and "The Puzzling Picture Block"!