Chapter 21: A Lame Excuse for a Boss Fight
I positioned Starship Mario next to the Shop Class Galaxy, and immediately saw that it was not called the Shop Class Galaxy, but the Puzzle Plank Galaxy. Oh gimme a break; puzzles too? I hate puzzles. They're too gosh dang puzzling!
And then the situation went from bad to worse when I saw the first and only mission's title: "The Puzzling Picture Block." So it's hammering home its puzzlingness from the start. Lovely. And for that matter, what in the world is a "picture block"? Is that the puzzle of this galaxy? I have to figure out what a "picture block" is? Well, if that's the case, I'm screwed. Here's my prediction for this galaxy: it's gonna culminate in one of those illiterate wooden bobbleheads from the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy or some other annoying NPC saying to me, "If you seek the Power Star, then you must answer my riddle: what…is a picture block?" That will inevitably lead to a punch-fest between us that may not be as one-sided as you think, because every time I punch the bobblehead, his head'll probably bobble right back up and "punch" me.
So upon entering the galaxy, I was on a wooden planet in a blue sky filled with cumulus clouds. Ugh; this looked like it was gonna be unimaginably boring. The planet was shaped like either an 8, or else an infinity sign. Ha! Infinity for infinitely boring, more like. Anyway, Infinitely Boring Planet was hovering over another wooden planet, that one square. Well, right under me was a ground-pound symbol, so what the heck? It's like this galaxy knew it was gonna frustrate me from the very start, so it gave me a way to vent my anger: by ground-pounding. Maybe this galaxy wouldn't be so bad after all if it gave me the chance to ground-pound throughout it. Then again, frequent ground-pounding is a double-edged sword. It lets me vent my anger, sure, but if I do it too much I bruise my rear end.
Don't laugh. It's no fun to try to go #2 with a bruised butt.
I ground-pounded, and the H-shaped middle of Infinitely Boring Planet dropped away, falling into a slot on the planet below. And circling me now were two WIGGLERS!
If there's anything worse than a Thwomp, it's a Whomp. If there's anything worse than a Whomp, it's a Chomp. If there's anything worse than a Chomp, it's a Chain Chomp. If there's anything worse than a Chain Chomp, it's a Flame Chomp. If there's anything worse than a Flame Chomp, it's Chibi Wanwan. And finally, the holier grail of all "worse than" statements, if there's anything worse than Chibi Wanwan, it's a WIGGLER!
I steered well clear of the creeps, knowing they were prone to irrational outbursts of anger if I hit them, which most other enemies take in stride by dying. Well, there were four ground-pound trampolines, one in each corner of the planet, so I figured I had to jump on one of them to find my way off the planet. The first one I jumped on created a string of music notes that spiraled around the center of the planet, which I didn't even bother collecting because doing so would take me right into the danger zone of those two Wigglers – not to mention probably give me some prize that would be decidedly not worth the time and effort of collecting the music notes. The second one gave me a bunch of coins, the third gave me a bunch of Star Bits, and finally, the fourth one provided me with a Launch Star right in the center of Wigglerville. Ugh; why there?
I wove my way past the Wigglers, eager to cease being a POW on the POW (Planet of Wigglers). Hey, maybe this should be a new thing I do too: name every planet I come across. Infinitely Boring Planet, Planet of Wigglers. Between this and ground-pounding, I might actually make it through this galaxy without sticking my head in the (wooden) oven!
After two more snooze-a-palooza planets, I arrived on a small planet with Lumalee. The first of the two planets, which I dubbed the Triple Tower Planet, had three pillars I had to ground-pound in order to reach the Launch Star. Also present there was a Hungry Luma who was whining for coins, but I completely ignored him because I only had fifteen coins, and no Hungry Lumas are ever kind enough to ask for that few of anything. The second planet, which I called Shop Class, had a bunch of Grinders cutting through sections of wood in the sky. Also present in that section was a Star Coin that I, against my better judgment, collected, even though those things serve ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE!
So yeah. Two planets and no picture block (at least I don't think so, on account of how I have no flippin' clue what a picture block IS), I met up with Lumalee. Are you kidding me? Lumalee only appears when there's a boss fight coming up! So I've gotta solve whatever a picture block is and fight a boss?! Or maybe the boss is one of those bobbleheads asking me what a picture block is. And that situation is meant to turn into a punch-fest. Haha!
However, I was not about to fork over some of my funds to Lumalee and lose Star Bits for no reason. I made that mistake before fighting Bouldergeist in my first galactic adventure, and the Life Mushroom did not save me from getting crushed seven times by Bouldergeist. Since then, I have elected not to waste Star Bits on unnecessary stuff like Life Mushrooms.
Instead, I ran past Lumalee just as he started singing his sales pitch to me, and got in the Launch Star to the next planet. And even though I still had no idea what a "picture block" was, I knew the next planet was it as soon as I landed. But – what? This wasn't puzzling! It was a four-piece puzzle of some artist's horrible rendering of a Mandibug. I mean, for crying out loud, it was green! Whoever painted this was obviously either drunk, or Kamek. Kamek's glasses are impossible to see through, and yes, I speak from experience. If you care to know how I speak from experience, that requires a quick stroll down memory lane to my first battle with Kamek. Well, the first one I remember, since I have no memory of him trying to abduct me as a baby.
Back in Super Mario World, I first met up with Kamek in the halls of Lemmy's Castle, and I quickly got sick of his antics. He would appear right in front of me, giving me no time to stop and causing me to run into him and lose some health. Kamek would taunt me, "You didn't see that coming?" and half the time, after I ran into him, I would fall through a gap in the floor and be killed by the lava underneath it.
Finally, seventeen lives later, I got sick of his monkeyshines, and the next time I saw him, I resorted to an unorthodox move and kicked him right in the nuts, which was really a shot in the dark at best when you consider his baggy cloak. Anyway, this knocked him into the lava, but my kick was so hard that his glasses came flying off his nose and landed before me. Since I had never encountered Kamek before, he still had an air of mystery about him, and I was like, "Woah, this guy looks like a wizard, do his glasses give people prophetic powers or something?"
So I put them on. They did not give me prophetic powers, but the lenses on them were nothing short of opaque. I have absolutely no clue how Kamek sees through them.
And since that day, my archrivalry with Kamek has never ceased. Yoshi will lie and claim he's Kamek's archnemesis, but everyone knows it's actually me.
Anyway, back to the stupid Mandibug picture block. I quickly discovered that I had to ground-pound the sides of the blocks to slide them into position and complete the puzzle. Once I did, the puzzle started glowing. At first I thought it was gonna give me a Power Star, but then I remembered about Lumalee. Apparently there was still a boss to fight.
Said boss came falling from the heavens in the form of a Mandibug Stack. Oh come on! Didn't I fight these morons before as a "boss," back in "Trouble on the Tower" from my first galactic adventure? For crying out loud, they aren't even a boss! They're just two Mandibugs! Granted, one's a bit bigger and one's a bit smaller than a normal Mandibug, but their net weight is probably equivalent to that of two normal Mandibugs! So I'm fighting regular, unimpressive lowlifes as bosses. Lucky me.
The Mandibugs hissed at me and then charged. I leapt over the attack, but then the Mandibugs did something that has always confused me. When they reach the edge of their attack radius, they stop, their mandibles collapse back into their faces, and they make a noise that sounds like they just smacked into an invisible chain-link fence. It's nothing short of absurd.
During the Mandibugs' painfully slow retreat, I leapt into the air and ground-pounded the top Mandibug into oblivion. Booyah! Suck it!
The bottom Mandibug then got enraged and turned red. Oh, don't get your antennae in a knot, you big baby! It charged at me again, but was blinded by its rage, cut loops like a douche, another…whatever the rest of the lyrics to "Blinded by the Light" are. That's a good song; then again, all of Bruce Springstoad's songs are.
Back to the point….
I leapt up and ground-pounded on this Mandibug too. It was squashed and then vanished, turning into a Power Star. Yay! Finally! I grabbed the Power Star, completing this dumb mission.
Upon arriving back at Starship Mario, I now had nine Power Stars and five Star Coins. This is ridiculous. Five Star Coins. Come on, there's other games where I've gotten, like, 25 of them by the end of World 1! Lubba praised me on my collecting skills, which immediately made me suspicious because of how things had been left after he found me in his room earlier. I decided to get away from him, but didn't exactly know where to go. Well, maybe I should explore this ship a bit more to find a little hidey-hole where I can go for some me time.
First, I went into the secret passage under the bill of the Starship's cap to see if there were any secret passages in the engine room. Nothing much to be seen there except seven display cases, one of which contained a Spin Drill(?). I remember seeing the pedestals when I came in here during the incident with my burning clothes falling back to Starship Mario, but I don't remember the Spin Drill being there then. Then again, maybe it was there, and I just didn't see it with all the fire extinguisher gas in the room back then. Strangely, there was no clear way to open the display case, so…why was the Spin Drill even here?
Half an hour later, after finding no hidey-holes, I decided to make a definitive roster of all my fellow passengers. There were a bunch of other Lumas, along with the pointless Co-Star and huge, idiotic, purple ones. Unbeknownst to me, a Star Bunny was here too, but he was just asking for the knuckle sandwich I gave him for telling me how to spin-jump AGAIN! The Toad Brigade was in orbit on their Starshroom. Yoshi was on the Starship's nose. Banktoad was on the helm, but I wasn't touching him ever again. You see, I had decided that, in addition to not going to him again once I find incriminating evidence of him hiding Star Bits up his butt crack, I will also not go to him unless and until I find proof that he didn't hide them up there. Call that unfair overkill; I don't care.
Well, this was pointless. I didn't feel like going on another mission today, so I decided to just turn in for the night. But first, here's my ranking of missions so far, from worst to first:
9. The Puzzling Picture Block
8. Gobblegut's Aching Belly
7. Digga-Leg's Planet
6. Storming the Sky Fleet
5. Every Planet Has Its Price
4. Think Before You Shake
3. Peewee Piranha's Temper Tantrum
2. Silver Stars Down Deep
1. Saddle Up with Yoshi
And that's all comparative, so anything like "Top 3" or "Top 5" that you could draw from that list means nothing. In other words, so far, this journey has been trash.
I headed back up to the helm and said, "I'm going to bed, Lubba. Night."
You're not gonna believe what he said.
"But it's only 4:30 in the afternoon," he said.
Look who's talking, Mr. Sleepy-at-Noon!
34. Hypocrite.
I shouted, "GOOD! NIGHT!" and stomped into the Starship's interior, then slammed my cabin door shut.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! In case you're wondering, I intentionally misquoted "Blinded by the Light"; that's just what Mario hears when he listens to the song. Heck, for several years, I thought Toto was singing, "I guess it rains down in Africa." :)
Please leave a review if you'd like!
Next up: "Hot-Stepping Dash Pepper," a disappointing secret area, and an embarrassing situation!